Weight Loss Support - "There's no way you're that big!" "But I am. Now shut up."




Snoofie
07-17-2011, 07:23 PM
I might be the only person who's actually annoyed by this, but I cannot stand it when I have the following conversation with someone:

"My god, you've lost a lot of weight! Don't go overboard."
"Well, actually, I'm bigger than I look. I still have a ways to go."
"You're no bigger than 130 pounds! You can't be!"
"I'm closer to 170."
"There is NO WAY you're that big. No way."
"No, I really am. And that's much too big for my height."
"Well, how much more are you going to lose?"
"I'm not sure yet. I'll know when I get there."

It drives me absolutely crazy when people don't believe I'm as big as I am. It's like, dude, I get weighed every week. I have proof. And unless these people are doctors -- and, specifically, unless they're my doctor, they've got no right commenting on whether or not I've lost enough weight.

I do wonder if it's because people just aren't used to seeing me at a normal weight, and so seeing me like this just throws them off to the point where they can't help but butt in where they have no business doing so.

I mean, I don't mind compliments, but this almost feels like a backhanded one, you know? "Oh, you've lost so much weight....but don't lose too much!" Half the time I feel like shooting back, "Just because you wish you could do it too, that doesn't mean you get to dictate what I weigh."

Does anyone else feel this way, or am I just weird? *L*


bargoo
07-17-2011, 07:35 PM
Most people don't know what 170 pounds look like, or 270 pounds for that matter. I avoid these types of conversations by never talking about my weight. If I absolutely have to answer how much I have lost , I just say "some" and change the subject.

zoodoo613
07-17-2011, 07:38 PM
I have one friend that I have this conversation with all the time, except not having anything to do with me having lost weight. She's tiny, and no many how many times I tell her, she refused to believe that I'm the size I am. When I was pregnant, she sent me her maternity clothes, including size 2 maternity jeans, and a size large shirt. Not maternity large, just large. I know she didn't mean it to be mean, but if felt like she was just rubbing it in how big I was compared to other pregnant women.

A couple years ago, we went shopping together for a dress for our reunion, and I said I'd need to look in the plus department and she flatly denied it. As if I didn't know what size clothes I was wearing. As if it's not hard enough to say "I have to look in the plus size department," she makes me make an issue of it. Recently she scoffed at the XXL I was trying on. Haven't we been through this already? Gah. It's frustrating.


MedChick87
07-17-2011, 07:54 PM
I definitely have frustration over this as well, but I try to remember that most people probably mean what they say as complimentary. They're trying to make you feel better by disagreeing with your size. I know personally, if someone were to say to me "I'm an XXL"...i'd feel bad AGREEING with them. And I think a lot of us here would be upset if someone did agree with them when they say they need a larger size. Sometimes it's hard for those who aren't losing weight to win with us overweight people. I'm not saying this to say that our complaints aren't valid, just to offer a different perspective.

I know, for me, even though I've lost weight and love getting compliments, I still feel hesitant to say anything to someone else who's lost weight. It's just such a touchy subject, you never know who will be offended by what. Personally, I try not to get too upset at comments unless they are rude comments on how I look. I try to remember that most people really do mean well and probably just don't know how to express that.

Jen516
07-17-2011, 07:55 PM
I totally feel you! I started at 288 and now, at 215, people are saying how "skinny" I look! Ha! Right. Makes me think, geez, how big did I look that 215lb looks "skinny"???? And I agree with bargoo that as a society we so rarely talk about wieght truthfully that it can be hard to know what 170lb really looks like!

Zoodoo's comments on clothing size makes me think of a convo I had with a coworker. This is a coworker than knows about my weight loss and we talk nutrition often. I'd bought a new dress in an XL. This coworker complimented the dress and I said something like "yeah, I got it in misses too, it's an XL!" And she looks confused, so I explain that I haven't worn an XL in quite some time. And she says "There's sizes after XL?!?" Seriously. I nearly smacked her. :devil:

ahyessophie
07-17-2011, 07:55 PM
I think people think they're being nice by underestimating a friend's weight, when really it just makes you think more about how much you have to lose.

sontaikle
07-17-2011, 07:59 PM
My mother thinks I'm weighing myself wrong and I can't possibly be 170. She thinks I'm 130 and constantly tells me to weigh myself on another scale. I did and I got the same weight. Still she refuses to believe it.

I know I'm a bit smaller than someone of the same weight (I'm a size 10), but I've always been that way.

Snoofie
07-17-2011, 08:04 PM
I think people think they're being nice by underestimating a friend's weight, when really it just makes you think more about how much you have to lose.

I think you've hit the nail on the head. I never thought about it, but this is exactly why it bothers me! It just makes me think about the 50 pounds I still have to lose.

UrthWurm
07-17-2011, 08:27 PM
Snoofie, I completely know what you mean! I remember my grandmother commenting a while ago after I had lost a significant amount of weight for the first time in my life. I was about 160lbs at the time, and Vegan (I'm Pescetarian now). I had gotten a bit dizzy after doing some chores to help my mom out, who was moving at the time. This was directly related to a car accident I had been in a few months prior and was still recovering from. My grandmother decided that I must be malnutritioned (due to my eating habits), and said that I should probably be eating more. She said she was concerned that I had lost so much weight. When I told her that I still had a good deal more to lose, she seemed distressed. She proclaimed that I couldn't be over 130 lbs, and when I denied that and told her I was truly 160, she outright REFUSED to believe me! :dizzy: People's perceptions of us can be so skewed sometimes. I believe it has something to do with seeing us as close to a normal weight when they're so accustomed to us being much larger. This is probably doubly true for those who have been overweight-obese their entire lives, as I had been. Still, I shudder to think how she'll react when I actually am 130-120 lbs!!

AZ Sunrises
07-17-2011, 08:46 PM
No one believed my younger sister was wearing a size 12 at 5'4" and 195 lbs--lots of muscle. She got annoyed and dragged my aunt over to the scales and forced her to look at the number.

kaplods
07-17-2011, 08:47 PM
It takes a lot to get me annoyed. Some of it is just experience with a wide range of different people. I've worked with a lot of people from different backgrounds and from different cultures, and I've learned that rude and annoying are in the mind of the beholder.

What people have "no business discussing" is by far not universal - it's not only cultural, it's also subcultural and familial. What's rude to discuss to one person, may be rude not to discuss by another (for example complimenting a person's children in some cultures is considered bad luck). In some culture's it's polite (and virtually mandatory) to inquire about a person's health when greeting them, and in other's that's in very poor taste.


I learned that no topic or even gesture could be taken for granted (in some cultures if you let someone see the sole of your foot, it's the equivalent of flipping them off).

So, I don't assume someone is meaning to be rude or trying to run my life if they share an opinion I don't share, or discuss a topic I'm not comfortable with.

If I don't like the topic, I have the right and the ability to say so. And if I'm calm and friendly when I say "I don't want to discuss this topic," Nine times out of then, people will comply.

I prefer straight-forward communications to expecting folks to know my wishes as I suffer in silence.

Most people are just following a "script" they've been taught. They're just saying what they heard other people say in the same situation. They're not trying to control your weight loss, they're just on autopilot. You can educate them by telling them how you feel, or you can assume they mean well and ignore what they have to say, because people have all sorts of opinions that are nonsense - or you can do what you're doing now, say nothing and feel annoyed.

I don't like feeling annoyed, so when I'm uncomfortable with something someone is saying, I either dismiss it as nonsense, I change the subject or tell them I don't like being told what they're telling me, and tell them why.

Open communications works a lot better, in my experience, than wishing people would act differently without ever telling them so.

Of course I'm also ridiculously open with people, and believe that most taboo subjects shouldn't be. So I'm also often sticking my foot in my mouth because I like discussing health and weight loss topics and my opinions regarding them. And I don't even mind disagreeing with people (and people disagreeing with me) if it makes the conversation interesting.

Lovely
07-17-2011, 09:00 PM
I think a huge part of this is that people really do not know what a person weighs based on how they look, and strangely enough they usually underestimate by a lot.

From my own side, I'd see a conversation happening this way:

Them: "My god, you've lost a lot of weight! Don't go overboard."
Me: "Thank you! And no worries. I won't. *smiles* Hey how's the family?"

astrophe
07-17-2011, 10:52 PM
I've had that in the past. "You don't look like you weigh that much" but I got used to just not engaging.

I'm like Lovely. In your convo above I would have been more like

"My god, you've lost a lot of weight! Don't go overboard."
"'OK, thanks!"

And ended it there. My biz is my biz. *shrug* I do not feel the need to discuss it in great detail with people. They keep pushing me, I'll add "Ok, Heard you the first time. But this topic is not up for discussion."

Now that I'm def up in obese territory it's the same.

"You need to lose weight!"
"Ok, thanks!"

and shut the convo down.

In the end it is me having to do the work, and this forum is where I vent and talk about my struggles. IRL -- I def do not.

A.

heathermichigan
07-17-2011, 11:03 PM
You know what my pet peeve is?
When people notice that I've lost weight and say "How much WEIGHT have you LOST?"
I just want to smack them and be like NONE OF YOUR D*** BUSINESS!
But I settle for just smiling and saying "A lot."

No one knows how much I weigh or how much I've lost other than my doctor and you guys. Why should I have to tell if I don't want to, you know?

Chubbykins
07-18-2011, 06:07 AM
I think people are just trying to be likable and polite when they say so.
Unless you are a muscle-woman it is very healthy for you to lose more weight of course. The BMI charts may not be the absolute tool but they are dependable to a safe degree.

Snoofie
07-18-2011, 09:00 AM
kaplods: In most circumstances, it takes a lot to annoy me, too. But when *everyone* I know seems to think I'm exaggerating when I say I still have a lot of weight to lose, I've discovered it gets old VERY fast.

I'm pretty open about things, too, especially when it comes to how much weight I've lost. And I've found that I've had to also become very open when it comes to how much I actually still weigh, especially in cases where people just flat-out don't believe me.

I understand that in some cultures things are different, but I live in a culture where someone's weight is no one's business (although people have a way of making it their business.) What is offensive/annoying/bothersome is in the eye of the beholder, I do agree with you there, but by the same token, no one has the right to tell me what I should or should not be annoyed by.

mamakat
07-18-2011, 09:04 AM
How funny, because I get that a lot..."no way you're THAT much". I haven't had mirrors for years except in the bathroom and over kitchen sink (to brush teeth in) so I really don't "know" what I look like. I look down and all I see are a great set of boobs :p So when people say that I think "wow, I'm really hiding 150 lbs?" Of course then I'll get a glimpse of myself in a window at the mall, oh I'm not "hiding" anything.
Then I start wondering "are they blind" "are they just saying that to make me feel better about myself" or do they not understand fat to height ratio, you know I don't know what it is. I have never ever had a problem of telling people how much I weigh. I already figure they can see that I'm fat/obese no reason to hide it (at least for me). I also take hits/comments better or I pre empt them. There's a few times strangers have hurt me with comments (but it was only because my children were near by). Otherwise I would have :censored: off buddy.
I don't take it as a compliment when people say that. I did have people who have given me things to wear that my thigh wouldn't even look at let alone go in. I don't if they're trying to be mean or ignorant so I just shrug it off. There's just too many comments/insults to field so I don't bother anymore. Someone says anything I stay quiet then they wonder for the rest of the day "what the heck just happened, we were having a nice chat." LOL keep them guessing for awhile...I'm tired of doing all the guessing work.

kaplods
07-18-2011, 05:15 PM
kaplods: In most circumstances, it takes a lot to annoy me, too. But when *everyone* I know seems to think I'm exaggerating when I say I still have a lot of weight to lose, I've discovered it gets old VERY fast.

I'm pretty open about things, too, especially when it comes to how much weight I've lost. And I've found that I've had to also become very open when it comes to how much I actually still weigh, especially in cases where people just flat-out don't believe me.

I understand that in some cultures things are different, but I live in a culture where someone's weight is no one's business (although people have a way of making it their business.) What is offensive/annoying/bothersome is in the eye of the beholder, I do agree with you there, but by the same token, no one has the right to tell me what I should or should not be annoyed by.


I wasn't telling you what your should or shouldn't be anoyed with. YOu most definitely have the right to be annoyed by anything or everything. I was just saying you don't have to be annoyed if you don't want to be, and that annoyance breeds stress which slowers metabolism, so be annoyed as much as you want, but the more annoyed you are, the more you hurt yourself, not those you're annoyed with.


I would also argue that most of us do not live in a culture where weight is no one's business. We live in a culture in which we SAY weight is no one's business, and yet we ACT very differently. We SAY it's no one's business, and yet we gossip, speculate, and laugh about people behind their backs, we post celebrity "fat pics" on the covers of magazines and bash them in print and in speech. We come here (and all sorts of other places, and in person) and ask how to confront a friend or family member about their overeating or not eating or other disordered eating or weight.

We may say weight is no one's business, but we don't act that way. Our culture acts as if it's everyone's business.


You have choices other than (or in addition to) the annoyance. I was just reminding you that you had a choice. It what is being said is "getting old" then say so. Say so before it gets out "I know where this is going, and I'm going to have to ask you to stop now, because I find that annoying."


You can't MAKE anyone believe anything, but you have the right to speak up - and usually speaking up, especially if you do it calmly then no one has to be annoyed (but everyone has a right to be, if that's what they want).

It is a "no win" situation though, because for everyone who wishes that people wouldn't comment, there's at least one who wants people to. And yet most don't want to say what they want, they just want everyone to "know better" (essentially read their mind).

And if someone is used to seeing people pleased when they're told "I can't believe you weigh that much, you don't need to lose any more weight," how are they to know you're one of the people who don't like hearing it unless you say so.

Not long ago, a friend recently was griping about her own weight (she brought up the subject, I didn't), and mentioned her weight (over 200 lbs). I was absolutely astonished because she's almost exactly my height. I did have a shocked expression and blurted "You've got to be kidding." She laughed and offered to step on my scale. I dug out a picture of myself at that weight to show her, why I'd been so surprised.

She tried to be polite (she didn't say "Holy He** you've got to be kidding, you had to weigh more than 2** lbs in that picture). But it was obvious to both of us, that she had to be at least 3 clothing sizes smaller than I had been in that picture. I think she wears a 12/14 and I wore a size 22 (I know clothing sizes tend to run about a size larger nowdays, but the difference was still very visible).

We discussed the reasons that people can weigh the same and look very diffierent. It's not a big mystery why I looked fatter at the same weight. My friend is extremely athletic and I had not been (I was more active than I am now, but I was no athlete). She runs, she walks, hikes, bikes, and is an avid camper/geocacher, she kickboxes and lifts weights. She never sits still. Even when she knits, she's constantly in motion.


But we both enjoyed talking about it (or my friend was a very good actress. I doubt it, because we were laughing so hard, we almost wet ourselves).

The point is though that no one knows it annoys you unless you tell them, especially since many people like hearing what annoys you. The only way to avoid the annoyance is by telling people what you want.

I've found that most people are more than happy to work with you. If you don't like something the're saying or doing, and you say so (politely) they will do as you ask - therefore no one has to be annoyed.

It doesn't matter if you think they "should know better" the fact that they're doing it, shows they do not - so you have to (if you want it to stop) say something about it. In my experience, most people will meet you half way if you ask them to.

April Snow
07-18-2011, 06:13 PM
I think a lot of people lie about their weight and they are probably used to so many women who weigh 150-160 lbs claiming they weigh 130, that's what they think it looks like!! And then someone who really weighs 130 looks "too skinny" in comparison! lol!

more seriously, I would never tell anyone my exact weight while I was losing. I may or may not share that info when I get to where I want to be, most likely not. And I am not sure if I will share exactly how much I lost - if it does end up being 100ish lbs, I may be proud enough to want to claim that. But if my final goal ends up being something I'm happy with, but that most other people would consider overweight (there is a possiblity that this could be the case), then I don't know that I'd want to say I lost 75 lbs because I don't want someone thinking "you lost 75 lbs and you're still fat?!?!"

christine123
07-18-2011, 06:56 PM
I think a lot of people lie about their weight and they are probably used to so many women who weigh 150-160 lbs claiming they weigh 130, that's what they think it looks like!! And then someone who really weighs 130 looks "too skinny" in comparison! lol!

Bingo. This is what I also believe.

foodmasochist
07-18-2011, 07:10 PM
i honestly do believe some people carry it well..... some people are more proportioned or whatever, i have felt that way about people as well, i am shocked when they tell me how much they weigh. i am not saying it isn't other things, like being nice, or like other people said, people do frequently lie, but some people do carry it well. ~fm

KittyKat1465
07-18-2011, 07:19 PM
I get it all the time! This guy at work didn't believe I weighed as much as I did and bet me money. So I brought in a scale and made myself $25!!!!! He said I carried it well. Well guess what?! Soon I won't be carrying it at all!! Booyah!!!!!!!

runningfromfat
07-18-2011, 07:26 PM
I think a lot of people lie about their weight and they are probably used to so many women who weigh 150-160 lbs claiming they weigh 130, that's what they think it looks like!! And then someone who really weighs 130 looks "too skinny" in comparison! lol!

I certainly think this is true to some extent. There's been situations where I've fudged my weight (not in related to weight loss) because I just didn't think it was anybody's business. Case in point: I had a German class where we had to translate our weight into kilos and tell it to our random partners... um, no way am I telling my real weight to all the other kids in my class (and this was years ago when I was at a healthy weight).

I also think people really have no clue how differently people carry certain weights. I'm just slightly above average (5"6" and the average height in the US is 5"4") so to me 140lbs seems REALLY skinny for my bone/muscle structure. However, there are a number of smaller women on here who have that as a starting weight and sometimes it still catches me off guard. Then if I check their BMI I realize, yeah, just like me they still have plenty of weight to lose to be healthy. Realistically, I have no clue how 140lbs would sit on someone who is 5'2", for instance. I've even seen other women at my height at 140lbs and it can look very different on them than it looks on me! :dizzy: Just see how many posts there are here comparing height and clothes sizes, it's insane!

I also remember a friend of mine in high school who was roughly my height and I thought my weight too. Then I found out she was wearing a size 12 while I was in a size 8 at the time. These things are just incredibly hard to tell by looking at someone!!!

ChickieChicks
07-18-2011, 08:42 PM
It drives me crazy when people dont believe how much I weigh? If i was going to lie about it, why would i go higher?? LOL

Plus it is so deceiving on shorties, like us. most people have no idea that we are overweight, weighing as little as 120-135 pounds!!!!!

Kahokkuri
07-18-2011, 09:57 PM
Wow, I've gotten that same thing. I lose a little--even five pounds is enough to start the comments--and everyone's freaking out that I'm so small/I need to be careful/I shouldn't lose so quickly when I still have a huge ways to go. I've lost about 15lbs but I've still got at least 40 to lose. It feels nice when people notice the results of my hard work, but they can keep the rest of the comments to themselves!

abejune23
08-07-2011, 10:46 AM
Most people are just following a "script" they've been taught. They're just saying what they heard other people say in the same situation. They're not trying to control your weight loss, they're just on autopilot. You can educate them by telling them how you feel, or you can assume they mean well and ignore what they have to say, because people have all sorts of opinions that are nonsense - or you can do what you're doing now, say nothing and feel annoyed.


Yes, that is certainly it, because that's the way I am! When I don't know how to react in situations, I pull out what I see when other people were in similar situations. I wholeheartedly agree that people should explain their feelings, so that at least I would know what's going on, therefore affecting how I would react. It's so hard to tell what people think and feel nowadays, and it'd be nice to be told explicitly, rather than doing a pointless, endless, confusing tango.

heathermichigan
08-07-2011, 11:12 AM
I recently got a comment from a coworker that I'm getting so skinny, soon there will be nothing left of me!
I laughed and thanked her. She really meant it--she is the sweetest woman. But clearly...I still have a ways to go. ;)

MelloFatto
08-07-2011, 01:09 PM
I just hate it when people do the "don't go over board thing"... "keep losing weight you're gonna look sick!"

I'm just like..
http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lo6gbsLGB41qj9e69.gif

kaplods
08-07-2011, 01:15 PM
It drives me crazy when people dont believe how much I weigh? If i was going to lie about it, why would i go higher??

Well, where age is concerned, I've always argued that it makes more sense to lie up so that people think "Wow, you look good," instead of assuming that you're lying or that you look terrible for your age.

I suppose that could hold true for weight too, but it would take balls to actually do it.

I am serious about the age thing though. If I'm ever tempted to lie about my age, I'm going to lie up so that people think I look awesome.