General chatter - Don't mix business with pleasure




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fitness4life
07-15-2011, 04:39 PM
Ugh! My bf and I both work at the Y and recently I accepted the position as "boss". The Y took measures so ensure that I was not officially my bf's boss. My boss is his boss, too.

But I still have to make the work schedule. We have a new employee. Since he was hired during my transition to boss, there have been many miscommunications. The end result is that NO BODY is entirely happy.

That's called compromise.

Anyway, my bf is PISSED at me. Worse yet, the hours I scheduled him for he "suddenly" can't work. More like won't.

I understand being pissed at your work scheduler. I understand being pissed at your girlfriend. What I cannot accept is bf sabotaging my very first week at work and my ability to make a great first impression to staff, bosses and clients.

Small town, a lot of people know about this situation. It's downright embarrassing to me.

Uner normal circumstances, this type of betrayal/mistrust would cause me to dump the bf.

We already have some issues recently that I was previously considering dumping him for.

Now....wth do I do? He and I have not spoken at all. I emailed him an apology for wrong-doings on my end - more like misunderstandings - and I asked him to get back to me after he processed it.

No word from him other than he got my email.

This is just a vent. But if you have any input or experience with something similar, please feel free to share your story and to give me advice.

:(


EZMONEY
07-15-2011, 04:55 PM
The only advice I have is from personal experience.

As the boss of my dad/brothers/bil/cousins/friends in construction companys I have owned or been a superintendent or foreman of all I can say is show no favorites.

Work is not personal!

I know it is very hard to separate it but it really needs to be done sometimes for everyones benefit.

Good luck.

EDIT ~ And YES I have fired family and friends and also have hired them back! We all deserve second chances...even me!!

Lovely
07-15-2011, 05:38 PM
This is rough :( I just wanted to send out a :hug:

I can absolutely understand how you'd feel annoyed that he's making your startup in your new position that much more stressful. At the very least, he could try to be a little more mature and give you a chance with the scheduling. I've seen people test the boundaries of new bosses just like toddlers do with their parents. They want to see how much they can "do" and "get away with". We don't want to see that behavior in our loved ones, but it crops up just the same.

Unfortunately, it's very hard to work with people we know sometimes. A work situation suddenly becomes an everything situation.

I'm not sure when you sent the e-mail, but it's possible he's still processing. I might give it a day and then try to reach out, again.

In the meantime, at work do your very best to stay as professional as you can and keep your wits about you. Even if he can't separate it, you must. There's a reason you received this position, after all. They know you can handle it! :yes:


Nola Celeste
07-15-2011, 05:54 PM
I'm sorry this happened to you. From what you describe, it sounds like he's being thoroughly unfair. You're trying to do the right thing and not show favoritism, it seems, and he wants you to give him the choicest hours because of your personal relationship.

Maybe he needs more time to come to his senses and realize that if he continues to act like a big pouty baby, he'll risk his relationship and his job satisfaction (and possibly even his job). For your sake, I hope he comes to that realization soon.

theox
07-15-2011, 08:27 PM
:hug:

fitness4life
07-16-2011, 02:32 PM
Thanks you guys. I still haven't had any more communication other than general text.

His best friend's dog unexpectedly died last night. He has loved this dog for over 12 years. I know how upset he is. Yet, his text merely mentioned that she was dying. I had to find out the aweful truth from others today, and only because I happened to go to work and 2 of our friends were there. I sent out 2 texts about the dog. One at 11 pm last night asking about her status, and the other at 11 am this morning saying I was sorry to hear she passed. Both got no reply.

There is a going away party today for the person I am replacing. While she and I are friendly, she is the topic of the only 2 fights bf and I have ever had. Bf defends her to the Nth degree and we agreed to disagree on both fights. She's not a bad person, but she is a manipulator and she is also remotely involved in this scheduling debacle. Since she has reached out to me and acknowledged her role in the debacle and apologized, I think she is Ok enough but still not someone I fully trust.

Anyway, bf and I were supposed to attend this party together. I went out and bought here a going away gift. I found out thru others that bf won't be at the party.

OMFG, reallt? He can't even go to the party? He must be really hurt, too. But honestly, how the heck would I even know what's going on with him? He has not contacted me in any way.

We're done. It's over. I won't deal with this bs behavior. I'm too old for this and he knows that's always been my attitude post-divorce. I can't waste a week of my life being miserable. Just rip off the band-aid and I'll get over it quicker.

But he seems to be refusing to even touch the band aid.

So mentally, I'm moving on. I'm sad but I'm actually doing fine with it. The worst part is him not participating in the official end. I just want it to officially end.

Then there's the work part. Luckily, we don't HAVE to be side by side at work. If it were any other employee this subordinant, I'd have him fired. But I won't/can't do that to him. So some how, I'll have to keep on keeping on with him at work.

I never in a million years expected this new job to be this complicated so soon.

Ugh.

Lovely
07-16-2011, 03:23 PM
:hug: :hug: :hug:

fitness4life
07-17-2011, 09:39 AM
Thanks, Lovely.

Bf was leaving the home where the party was to be held as I pulled up to go to the party. I guess he came to help set up. He told people he had something to do with training the football team, but we all know you don't train the football team on a Sat night for 5 hours.

Largely, no one spoke a word about this. Privately, the host of the party gave me a hug and asked me how I was. I couldn't talk about it without breaking down so all I said was just that.

At the end of the party, three of us discussed this and honestly, IDK what to think. They've obviously spoken to bf. They are sharing info with me. They do say that didn't expect Kevin to act this way and how out of character it is, but then they make excuses for his behavior and tell me maybe he'll mature some day. He's 52. So that's just laughable.

Either way, when I say that it's over and we just need to end it, nobody disagrees.

Do I call him? He prob won't answer. Do I just go to his house and ambush him with the break up? Maybe then I could also bring over all his stuff he has left at my house.

I just need to get over this. I have GOT to get this started or it'll never be over.

Skittlez
07-17-2011, 09:45 AM
I'm glad to see you're mentally moving on, he sounds extremely childish. Everyone has bad days and pitfalls, but that doesn't mean he should be ignoring you. And it's totally crazy for him to expect you to give him the shifts HE wants. You have to do what's best for you and the job, and the fact that he tried to jeopardize your job week one is terrible. If he continues to be subordinant, relationship or no, you SHOULD fire him (or get the other boss too). You shouldn't have to deal with any employee acting that way, and it's probably doubly hard coming from someone who is supposed to care about you.

Edit: I would try calling him, and if he doesn't answer leave a message saying you need to talk. Give him a few days to respond and if he doesn't just drop his stuff off at his place. IMO :)

fitness4life
07-17-2011, 12:27 PM
New info just came in. The main reason for this whole debacle is another employee, I'll call him B. My bf has a better read on people than I do. My bf should have told me directly his perception of B as a bad apple. My bf did not communicate anything directly to me, but others have shared that bf loathes B.

I haven't seen anything too negative about B, but my perception is that he's a snake and a manipulator. For instance, he made it totally clear and necessary that he has this weekend off to go to a friend's wedding 5 hours drive away. More on that in a sec...

Turns out bf was totally dead on about B being a bad apple.

The person I'm replacing as boss happened to be out of town eating breakfast in a restaurant this morning. B happended to be dining there as well. This was in the next biggest town 29 miles away. B was overheard by the old boss boasting how he manipulated me to giving him the whole first weekend off and boasting how he got me to committ him to 3 out of 5 opening shifts. (He wanted 5 but I gave bf two at his choice, so he only got 3. THIS is the problem. They both wanted all 5 and bf only got 2. However, bf can work nights, too, and B can't. So bf ended up with far more hours. This is something he requested. I thought it was a decent compromise. WRONG!)

Anyway, B proceeded to rip on bf at the restaurant, calling him a "fat, old, big baby" (true. Sadly.) And ripped on the entire organization. This, in the town where our main branch is. There could have been members within earshot, or board members, or CEOs, and most definitly, prior employees.

This guy, B, totally sucks. I'm going to fire him tomorrow. We have only fired one other employee before and it was for something similar. She had spoken ill about another employee, unknowingly to a board member. It was just unprofessional and she was dead wrong in her opinion. There were other staff issues as well so they let her go.

And the biggest thing with B??? He obviously wasn't 5 hours away from town at his best friend's wedding.

Why he had to lie? IDK, he could've simply said he wanted the weekend free and he would have gotten it. But he lied. He boasted about "fooloing" me. And it was in a public place that was over heard.

So here's what I got now. Bf works till 3 today. My kids will be gone. I'm gonna talk to him then, come **** or high water. I won't tell him verbatim what B said, but I'll give him acknowledgement that he was right about B and that B will be fired.

Do I still break up with him? This is coming full circle. I think I was mostly wrong. But bf still "stuck it to me" and in my book that's a total deal breaker. But IDK? Opinions?

nina125
07-17-2011, 02:02 PM
meh, too much drama. The last thing you need is more drama in your workplace. And it doesnt look like your bf knows how to handle problems professionally and like an adult.

It sounds like you have already made your decision. Go with your gut.

Lovely
07-17-2011, 04:20 PM
This is me, obviously, so I'm not sure it'd work the same for you...

I'd keep the B thing short and separate. (What a huge waste of oxygen that guy is, btw!)

And then I'd attempt to talk to the BF about your private issues. Now, if he was open to talking about what's been going, then maybe some resolution can be found... or maybe it'll be more amicable whatever the outcome. From some of your posts it sounds like you're pretty fed it up with a lot of his antics (whatever they may be), but at least this gives you guys a chance to talk about it. Who knows what the other is thinking without discussing it?

However, if he closes down or doesn't want to talk about any of it when clearly you are wanting some communication... then I'd take it as a sign and move along. Because at 52... frankly how long is a person going to wait to "mature"?

And more :hug:!

Edit to add: I don't think you were "wrong". You did the best that any boss would've done in those situations given the information you were given. (ie... B gave you information (albeit false, but who assumes that right away?). BF did not tell you anything he was thinking.) Soon as you got new information... you're correcting it! A mature adult would communicate problems in one way or another. Not avoid a person altogether. In fact, for me nothing gets me riled more than when I'm just trying to discuss something that clearly needs discussing and get shut out. (/sarcasm Yeah. Ignoring each other solves problems. /end sarcasm)

fitness4life
07-18-2011, 08:40 AM
Thanks again, you guys.

It's over. Done. No chance of reconciling because he showed me everything in a guy that i HATE during our discussion.

I had written him an email Thurs nite because at least even if he was avoiding me, I could get stuff off my chest.

He came over after work and I know he knew it was over because he told me he couldn't stay long. Total bs - he's got nothing to do.

He got the email on his phone and picked it apart. The first half of the email was me acknowleding what I did wrong, why I did what I did, that I was so sorry and I never intentionally hurt him. He never acknowledged I said I did wrong, he never accepted my apology. He simply argued about my reasoning, telling me my thinking was wrong.

Well, duh, that's what I was saying. I did abc because I thought xyz. I was wrong and I'm sorry. If he can't accept that as a solid apology, screw him.

Then, the second part of the email was saying stuff like, "I just wish we could have found a way to communicate so we could have avoided this whole thing." All he did was say that he DID communicate with me and that I didn't communicate with him. When I brought up 4 examples of my attempt to communicate, he simply said, "You never did that". And that was the final straw.\

I'm a domestic abuse survivor. My ex husband was verbal/emotionally abusive. When someone tells you something didn't happened when you know for certain it did, that is defined as abusive. In this case, it's not a big deal, it's just an arguement, but boy did it get my red flags up.

I raised my voice, he got up to leave, I showed him his pile of stuff to take home with him, and I'm pretty sure he knew, he was never there to make up. I had already made up my mind, too.


He later texted me saying he's quitting his job in a few weeks.

Lovely
07-18-2011, 11:45 AM
:hug: I'm sorry it had to happen that way, Fitness4life. I am, however, glad that you cut things off when your red flags went up.

Munchy
07-18-2011, 12:00 PM
I'm a domestic abuse survivor. My ex husband was verbal/emotionally abusive. When someone tells you something didn't happened when you know for certain it did, that is defined as abusive. In this case, it's not a big deal, it's just an arguement, but boy did it get my red flags up.

Me too, and you're absolutely right.

djs06
07-18-2011, 12:41 PM
Lots of red flags here. I'm so glad you got out of this when you did. You cannot reason with someone who is clearly not rational. And good that he's quitting his job. What a big baby.

NemesisClaws
07-18-2011, 04:31 PM
I'm coming into this discussion a bit late, but goodness! He's 52 and can't even answer your emails, let alone be mature and handle the new shift changes at work?
I'm not even gonna ask how he handles the more important things in life.....good riddance to that one!

fitness4life
07-18-2011, 06:10 PM
My boss wants him to stay and actually, I do, too. I know I can be mature and professional to handle it. There's not much side-by-side working anyway. If he's there training when I'm there, we can avoid one another.

There was supposed to be a meeting today, but he was running late and i couldn't delay my next appointment so Idk when we're gonna meet.

He told my boss that he was planning on leaving after we hire new staff to replace him, but my boss indicated she thought he would stay after he cooled down.

But scary thing is, he told my boss that he didn't know if he could handle staying. That he was too pissed not be do his job the best he could because he'd always be grumpy there.

He won't accept any measures of change to correct the problems he currently has. At least he said he wants to quit so he won't sabotage my career any more. At least he indirectly identified that he already has tried to screw me.

Yes, he is a big baby. Yes, he is incredibly immature. But he's a darned good Y employee, demonstrating he is committed to our mission.

We'll see what happens...

fitness4life
07-19-2011, 08:29 PM
After meeting with him and our supervisor, some things became totally clear. He is acting just like a block head man. After talking with several men about how men think, act and the difference between how they think and act, I'm sure about this. He is totally not an abusive man. He is just a regular man.

I thought about this constantly all day. He (in his man way) made it clear he totally loves me. He made it clear that this was in his mind, just a fight and not a break up and when I broke up, it was showing that he was crushed and he never wanted that.

Yet, he could not apologize, saying he was still "too pissed".

I decided to be open to dialog to investigate this further.

I asked him to keep an open mind. So we are going to talk. When he's ready.

I love him. He's the best man I've ever dated in so many ways. He's not perfect, but I'm not either. He told me things today that I never knew and make sense for his behavior. And it's all based in the difference between men and women.

I'm gonna post a Q in the men's section for more input. more to come, I'm sure.

Thanks again for your replies.

xoxo

CrystalZ10
07-19-2011, 09:09 PM
Sorry your dealing with this stuff. :hug:

fitness4life
07-21-2011, 05:51 AM
Extending the olive branch brought him straight outta block head man-ness.

Without asking, I got a HUGE apology and admission to all his wrong doings. He admitted he'd gotten out of control and learned a lot about himself.

We still have more to talk about but at least on the work front, things are totally back to normal.

We agreed to slowly investigate being a couple again. We admitted our deep, true love for one another. Many other people have told me they see clearly a couple with too much in common, too perfect for one another to let this fight tear us apart.

So we'll see. I will proceed with caution.

Nola Celeste
07-21-2011, 07:27 AM
Ah, I hope that the original stressful job event that precipitated all of this for you both turns out to have a happy ending--or more accurately, a happy continuation.

Proceeding with caution is always a wise decision, but leaving the door open for reconciliation was even wiser. Love isn't always enough to glue a relationship together, but without it, there's no chance at all, so you're already ahead of the game if you and he have that.

fitness4life
07-23-2011, 01:48 PM
What a turn in emotion! Turns out that making up with this bf is the best thing ever for our relationship. It's as if we zoomed right back to how it was when the gotta-have-you-now spark was still there.

I have heard him apologize umpteen times. We spent the night together doing our usual things with a renewed love, a deeper love and understanding, and a spoken re-committment. We renewed trust and acknowledged wrong doings, apologized again and made a committment to get over it and learn from it and a new focus on the future.

AND on the work-front, I supported him in his volunteer effort that was covered by our local paper. We had a blast with our HS football team challenge that not only highlighted his talents as a trainer, it highlighted his volunteerism and community involvement and mostly, it was free PR for the Y in a very good and desperately needed way.

Lastly, I realized why I love him so much. First, I have never been so proud of the man I was with. Yes, I found pride in other things like success in business and pride in physical stature with my ex and with previous bf. This is different. My core value in a person is good character. I have never been with a man with such good character before. To have it exemplified in a small way that will be made public, and in a way that helps my career in the meantime, just fills my heart with pride, not to mention it more than makes up for when I perceived he was sticking it to me in spite.

End of thread. :)

CrystalZ10
07-23-2011, 01:57 PM
I am happy he apologised and things are good for you again.:)

TamTam
07-23-2011, 02:36 PM
Tell him to put his big boy draws on and get over it! Men can be such babies at times!

jimmyk1006
07-23-2011, 03:05 PM
I couldn't agree more.

Lovely
07-24-2011, 02:19 AM
:) I'm glad things worked out, Fitness :hug: