Weight Loss Support - weightloss/friend issue/ social life




stimkovs
07-14-2011, 12:13 PM
Hi, I am very frustrated and just realized this is probably the perfect place to vent.

Just a quick synopsis, I am 23, I work a full time job, and have many social commitments. I moved out of my parents place (about 4 1/2 hours away from where I live now) when I was 19, and my first year of university. I have always been overweight/obese. I smoke, and I enjoy going out (I am a self-professed foodie), I do drink as well.

At the begging of my 3rd year of university I joined weight watchers and starting watching my food intake, and did pilates once a week and lost about 60 lbs. This was Sept- April of 2010. Long story short, I started up again on the weight loss in about April of 2011 having taken a break, but I have always maintained my newly acquired eating habits, I went on vacation, and then started doing Bikram Yoga in May of 2011. I like to do Bikram as much as possible, and currently go about 4 times a week (optimally I would like to be doing 5-6 a week). The classes are 90 minutes.

For anybody not familiar with Bikram, it is a high heat based form of Hatha yoga, which essentially means you NEED to shower right after class (I like to go home, because my hair uh, procedure takes about another hour minimum).

I have also been eating very healthy.

As I mentioned before, I have ALWAYS had an exceptionally busy life, and my friends are amazing people, who have understood this, they don't mind planning around my schedule, and if I happen to cancel plans, they don't bite my head off. In fact, I have been blessed with amazing friends who I am thankful for everyday.

I am open about desire to drop another 40 lbs, and with the weightloss and yoga, I have been getting over some fairly significant 'monsters in my closet'.

Now, through my time, I have always been known as the "party girl". I like to go to bars, and DANCE (sometimes indulge in tequila), I am SINGLE and have been for a long time, mostly due to really enjoying it, as well as leading an exceptionally busy life.

Now, here is the issue now that you have a whole essay of background. I have this friend, I have known her since I was 19, first year of university. We have always been fairly close, and I do consider her to be an amazing person. But, she has some issues- she has an eating disorder, sleep disorder and is on meds. She has a fiance who I played some inadvertent part in her proposing to (who may I say doesn't necessarily dislike me, but is definitely intimidated) - she says that he is not allowed to have an opinion of me because she treasures our friendship. Regardless of that though, having started bikram yoga, I have had absolutely no desire to drink, or party or really even go out- if I had the time and strength I would just do bikram all day every day. I am also toying with the idea, that if I continue to love it as much as I do, to pursue teacher training (minus another 40 lbs though).

School wise- I am en route to law school, and work for the governemnt as well as another job.

The real issue is, this friend "Cathy" - she is a foodie as well, but she likes to eat to the point of feeling sick, and I LOVE food, I love to binge out, and it takes a lot for me to maintain a strict eating pattern. She always suggest that we go out for dinner, where she will always have a few drinks or glasses of wine (she'd have like 3 bottles in an hour if she didn't drive) or WILL drink 5-6 drinks in front of me and get her fiance to pick us up. I do enjoy drinking, but limit my intake to when I am going out- and feel as though I would enjoy my time more with a few social drinks. I don't see the point in having a couple of glasses of wine, and then going to bed - these are useless calories to me. Also notice, if I have a couple of drinks and go dancing- I feel like I burn off at least some of these calories.

So this friend, keeps trying to schedule eating plans with me- and she knows my yoga schedule pretty well, but I feel as though she is uncomfortable with my weight loss, almost jelous. She asks me for tips, and when I offer them, she blows them off. She is a bigger girl, I used to be bigger then her at 5'8 269 lbs, and now she is bigger at about 5'4 220 lbs. Her doctors have suggested that she needs to lose about 40 lbs.

At this point in our friendship, I do want to see her, and spend time with her, but I have started to dread our plans because I always feel like S--t about myself afterwards. Has anybody ever experienced this with any of their friends?

How did you deal with it?

What do I do?

I feel really bad because I keep canceling commitments, but I am not comfortable with it, and what do you put first, your health and well being, or a friendship?

At the same time, she never invites me to social gatherings because they are "too coupley" and I am very definitely single, but at the same time she always wants to eat with me - it's like she's hiding our friendship in the big fat eating closet?

I am almost at the end of my wits about this. I do apologize for the essay. But I really needed to vent. I get these feelings every time we schedule things together.


zoodoo613
07-14-2011, 12:32 PM
Do you two ever do anything together besides eat? Can you try to book some time together that doesn't involve going out?

Most of my current social circle is overweight. Times I see them generally involve food. And it's thrown me off track a time or two, but I'm (mostly) OK with that. I'm conscious of it, and try not to go too overboard, but ultimately, seeing them is worth it to me.

If her friendship is more stressful than it is enjoyable, than theirs no point to it. But if you truly value it, then you'll just have to find a way to fit her in without throwing yourself off. Or tell yourself that the extra calories you have when you see her are the price you're willing to pay for her friendship.

lucky8
07-14-2011, 12:46 PM
hey i can relate , i was once the life and soul of the party but since gaining weight and being in a long term serious relationship ive wanted to calm down and there for i dont want to do all those things much anymore and its not because i have a partner, its because i to find it a waste of calories when youve tried so hard and also takeouts and alcohol is a waste of money.
I have a group of friends that i generally only ever see when it involves a night out or eating. The eating part doesnt bother me as much as im on weightwatchers so i can tweak my plan to allow this. However drinking i am now terrible at cant handle it like i used to and i get terrible hangovers but i just dont seem to be into it as much as them anymore. A bar crawl just seems like a chore these days :(. But i feel guilty sometimes that i feel that way???
I just feel like im 26 now and i dont wana spend my 30s being over weight. I have the best support network ive ever had - weightwatchers-my partner whos doing it all with me- and the gym - and 3fc so why let it all slip ?? because some one selfishly wants you to............ask your self if shoe was on other food and they were doing so well and in a pattern would they do it for you? answer is there prob feeling so good they dont wana spoil their self so answer would prob be no.
Congrats on your loss and your exercise routine its brilliant some people strive to find the motivation to be able to make that kind of commitment.
Never feel bad about putting your life first health and well being you only live once people come and go :)


lin43
07-14-2011, 02:10 PM
I agree with Zoodoo's advice to try to find some other activities you can do with her. Or, since you both enjoy dancing, can you go out with her and be sure that it's followed by going dancing (that way, you burn off some of the calories you're drinking). Whatever you do, be upfront with her. Tell her you want to go out and have a good time, but that you can no longer pig out or drink as much as you used to because you're watching your weight. A true friend will understand that and support you.

FassGal
07-14-2011, 02:17 PM
:hug:
Another :hug:

Now the solution/truth:

The next time she invites you out, just level with her. Tell her that you don't feel comfortable binge drinking and eating and perhaps suggest something fun that both of you can enjoy together and that does not involve food. Please don't accuse her of anything and keep the conversation short (one sentence, maybe two tops), as the terms of your new lifestyle are not up for negotiation. If she's a good friend then she'll work with you to find a happy medium between her habits and yours. She may choose to grab something to eat when you're out, but as long as the activity isn't food centered (such as going to a restaurant) you should be okay. Then teach her with your actions. Politely decline any offers of food or drink, unless you really want it and can have it, and don't do anything that you know will make you feel bad or uncomfortable. If she does something or insists on doing something that makes you feel bad or uncomfortable, then politely end the outing (you have a lot to do, it's late, etc.) with no further explanation. She'll get the message and will know the real reason why. You don't want her to okey doke you into doing something you'll regret later, and the terms of your new lifestyle are not up for negotiation. Furthermore, don't be afraid to part ways; your health depends on you putting yourself first. You'll make new friends who live a more compatible lifestyle anyway, whether she remains a friend or not.

Another thing, please don't let her call her fiance for any reason when she's out with you! That's crazy and if I were in his shoes I'd resent it (and you). Whether you realize this or not, your girlfriend is taking advantage of his love for her. By letting him give you a ride, you are too. Think about it: he didn't have the benefit of participating in the fun, so why should he be stuck with the work? He won't tell you "no" because he loves your friend, which just makes him feel worse. If you were dating a guy, who you both knew had her bag of issues, and he called you to not only pick him up but also chauffer his friend, how would you feel? Her fiance is not in love with you, so whatever feelings he has about playing chauffer to two grown women who can't control their alcohol consumption will automatically be channeled to you. You both are grown-ups; call a cab! Call a girlfriend! Don't call the fiance and don't let her call him either. If she calls her man then you call a cab for yourself. He is there to be her knight in shining armor, not yours. It is no fun playing chauffer to grown folks who've had too much to drink. It's sloppy, disgusting and a bit irresponsible. Please don't put him in that situation. Please don't ruin your reputation by putting yourself in that situation (a lawyer's reputation is his/her most valuable asset. Now's the best time to start protecting yours!).

Lovely
07-14-2011, 02:41 PM
I'm curious about something... are you the one uncomfortable with "coupley" events or does she just assume you're uncomfortable with them?

Why don't you choose the plans sometime? Or invite her to your place to hang out instead of going to "food up" at a restaurant? Cook a meal together. Watch a movie together. Do something where you can either control the food/alcohol, or it's a non-factor.

JayEll
07-14-2011, 03:15 PM
what do you put first, your health and well being, or a friendship?

I think you know the answer to this. It's really kind of obvious, isn't it?

If you don't enjoy going out and having the food issues, tell her so. And say you'd like to do things with her that don't involve just eating and drinking. Such as, a movie, a long walk, a museum... there are lots of things to do that don't have food as the center of the activity.

She'll either say OK or she won't be interested.

Friendships change as time goes on. You are going to meet many, many people in your life. You don't need to keep doing a relationship out of habit if there is nothing in it that sustains you. But see what happens if you try to change the focus.

Jay

InsideMe
07-14-2011, 03:30 PM
Honesty is always the best policy and if she is a true friend she will respect your life choices. Friends love and don't judge. Just be honest and say hey I'm trying to really change me how about we cook some healthy foods together or lets go for a tea instead, or how about a leisurely walk? Being honest with yourself and what you want and need in a realtionship isn't a bad thing, it's a great way to remain true to yourself and honest in a relationship. If you and your friend have a deepness things will work out.

tuende
07-14-2011, 03:45 PM
Put your health first, but that doen't mean sacrificing a friendship. You just have to define your friendship in new ways (for me, this meant cutting the co-dependent crap). What you put in your body when you go out with these people has nothing to do with your friends and everything to do with you! You can eat healthy food at pretty much any restaurant. Like other posters have said, I think it is an awesome idea to invite her to do other things with you. Instead of hitting up happy hour, I ask my friends to go on a hike or go kayaking with me. You could even invite your friend to try yoga with you. Maybe seeing you in your element would help them understand the passion you have for it and some of the reasons behind the new lifestyle. If these friends are unsupportive or are unwilling to do these things with you, again, this probably has almost nothing to do with you and everything to do with them and their issues.

stimkovs
07-15-2011, 09:35 AM
hey i can relate , i was once the life and soul of the party but since gaining weight and being in a long term serious relationship ive wanted to calm down and there for i dont want to do all those things much anymore and its not because i have a partner, its because i to find it a waste of calories when youve tried so hard and also takeouts and alcohol is a waste of money.
I have a group of friends that i generally only ever see when it involves a night out or eating. The eating part doesnt bother me as much as im on weightwatchers so i can tweak my plan to allow this. However drinking i am now terrible at cant handle it like i used to and i get terrible hangovers but i just dont seem to be into it as much as them anymore. A bar crawl just seems like a chore these days :(. But i feel guilty sometimes that i feel that way???
I just feel like im 26 now and i dont wana spend my 30s being over weight. I have the best support network ive ever had - weightwatchers-my partner whos doing it all with me- and the gym - and 3fc so why let it all slip ?? because some one selfishly wants you to............ask your self if shoe was on other food and they were doing so well and in a pattern would they do it for you? answer is there prob feeling so good they dont wana spoil their self so answer would prob be no.
Congrats on your loss and your exercise routine its brilliant some people strive to find the motivation to be able to make that kind of commitment.
Never feel bad about putting your life first health and well being you only live once people come and go :)

thank you thank you, you're wonderful. i agree on the terrible hangovers, i've actually developed a reputation for them. but i mean it's really funny- i posted this during the day yesterday, went to yoga, got home and way doing something around the apartment. low and behold i get a phonecall, from the same friend, who is out with her fiance at a fancy resteraunt near my place. inviting me out for drinks + desert. She was like "i know you don't want to eat out but atleast have desert. CALORIES!!

I am actually also on weight watchers, but doing yoga- i find that there's essential nutrients that i absolutely need to take in, and things that my body craves. i have never before enjoyed chocolate, but it seems as though my body craves very very (99%) dark chocolate, in bits every day. i am okay with that, but the moral of the story, is that i don't have points left over at the end of the day for spur-of-the-moment desert. AHHHH.

stimkovs
07-15-2011, 09:44 AM
:hug:
Another :hug:


Another thing, please don't let her call her fiance for any reason when she's out with you! That's crazy and if I were in his shoes I'd resent it (and you). Whether you realize this or not, your girlfriend is taking advantage of his love for her. By letting him give you a ride, you are too. Think about it: he didn't have the benefit of participating in the fun, so why should he be stuck with the work? He won't tell you "no" because he loves your friend, which just makes him feel worse. If you were dating a guy, who you both knew had her bag of issues, and he called you to not only pick him up but also chauffer his friend, how would you feel? Her fiance is not in love with you, so whatever feelings he has about playing chauffer to two grown women who can't control their alcohol consumption will automatically be channeled to you. You both are grown-ups; call a cab! Call a girlfriend! Don't call the fiance and don't let her call him either. If she calls her man then you call a cab for yourself. He is there to be her knight in shining armor, not yours. It is no fun playing chauffer to grown folks who've had too much to drink. It's sloppy, disgusting and a bit irresponsible. Please don't put him in that situation. Please don't ruin your reputation by putting yourself in that situation (a lawyer's reputation is his/her most valuable asset. Now's the best time to start protecting yours!).

While initially a great and suggestive reply, which I do appreciate, maybe I miscommunicated the situation. My firend and her fiance live together in a suburb of Ottawa (about a 20 minute drive), their arrangement is when one drinks, the other will pick up if the need arise. For myself, I do typically call a cab- but I feel that everybody alternates the 'chaffeur' duties it is acceptable. Simultaneously, there is a difference between being "embarassing" and having 2 or 3 glasses of wine. The law here is anything over 0.04 is over the limit (that's one glass/ one beverage).

Wannabehealthy
07-15-2011, 10:18 AM
So this friend, keeps trying to schedule eating plans with me- and she knows my yoga schedule pretty well, but I feel as though she is uncomfortable with my weight loss, almost jelous. She asks me for tips, and when I offer them, she blows them off. She is a bigger girl, I used to be bigger then her at 5'8 269 lbs, and now she is bigger at about 5'4 220 lbs. Her doctors have suggested that she needs to lose about 40 lbs.

At this point in our friendship, I do want to see her, and spend time with her, but I have started to dread our plans because I always feel like S--t about myself afterwards. Has anybody ever experienced this with any of their friends?

How did you deal with it?

What do I do?



I have an idea for you that would depend on how strong you are in your committment to lose weight and be healthy. Since you do value her friendship and want to continue it, you could go out to eat with her, but order something that is "on plan". Most restaurants are offering healthy choices and listing nutritional values on their menu. As far as drinks are concerned, you could probably find a lower calorie choice and nurse your drink. Alcohol hits you harder when your stomach isn't full, and this might be why you can't handle it as well as you did before. You don't have to say you're doing these things to stay on your diet, but emphasize that this is what you want to order. Since she also needs to lose weight you might set an example for her and she might want to change her ways, too. It seems strange that she doesn't invite you to social events and let you decide if you want to attend a "couply" thing or not. If she is just hanging on to your friendship so she has someone to "pig out" with, you'll find out in a hurry by not allowing her to influence you into joining her.

If you don't think you can pull this off, and some ARE tempted by what others are eating, then you would be better off to chose your health over her friendship. If you can't find another way to enjoy time together, then maybe it's time to let go. Taking exercise classes give you the opportunity to meet other people with the same interests as you and makes it easier to move on.

Good luck,
Carol