[nurse2be03]

Yesterday was a little better. I attempted to exercise. I had been doing No More Trouble Zones (Jillian) since the beginning of the year, was doing really good with it, even had to up my weights. Well didnt comcast take it off of exercise tv. I have to go buy it now I guess. Anyway, so yesterday I decide to do 30 Day Shred and I cant believe how much strength I've lost in 6 weeks (its been that long I hate to admit). My 5 lb weights were heavy and I had to do modified push-ups grrr,none the less I gave it a shot. . .then gave up half way through when my 2 yr old daughter unexpectedly runs up from behind me and gets hit in the face by my weight while I was doing biceps curls. . .I felt so bad that I ended my session right then to console her. An hr later I felt bad that I didnt finish so decided to hit up the treadmill but couldnt even run for a 1/4 mile so I walked. . .more slowly than usual. But, I still felt happy that I tried since it's been a while. Yesterday was ok. Today was horrible.. .

DH has been putting in long hrs at work, he's a nursing supervisor, picking up hrs on 2cd shift. We're used to his 8 hrs, its been 12-14 all week and I am struggling with our 3 kiddos by myself, been feeling like a single mom lol (dont know how you guys do it). They were really bad today, fighting with each other, making messes I couldnt keep up with, carrying on running through the house, and for some reason, they just do not listen to me as well as their father. I think they just think they can walk all over Mommy since Daddy's been gone all week. So thats one part of the horrible day. Six more weeks till 2 are back in school? Cant wait, is that horrible of me?

I didnt get much done today, stayed up way too late last night, trying to find someone who would board our mean dog so we could go to the beach with my MIL who has been battling Pancreatic Cancer for a year. No one wants to take care of a mean dog, can;t blame them though, so there goes our trip
So Icouldnt get out of bed till 9, (at least one plus from the kids not going to sleep when they were supposed to last night is that they slept later), I slept through the alarm AGAIN. So I dragged myself around all day, managed to get the dishes and laundry done but that was about it, leftovers for dinner, thank God I didnt have to cook. Sooo, I felt horrible that I wasnt moer productive after my semi-ok day yesterday.

And my younger sister and I were arguing through text messaging over something stupid, both equally guilty of not letting it go. We dont fight often but when we do it takes a few days to make up, so I feel really bad about that, she's my best friend.

Oh and money troubles, as usual, books for my first clinical semester cant come out of financial aid so that $800 we have to somehow scrounge up, ugh. If I wasnt so blah I could deal with all the issue, take it on the chin, thats not possible this time though.

Anyway, I am totally just rambling so you guys dont really have to read this, it just feels good to let it out. This whole episode since coming off of WB (well it really started weeks before I decided to stop taking it, I think it pooped out on me and doc cant up the dose) is getting bad. It is starting to rival the episode I had my when son's father left me for another woman while we were in the midst of planning our wedding (the other woman left him last yr, thats a funny story Ill have to share it sometime, FYI my DH is way better for me and Im much happier in this relationship). But at least then I had a reason to be depressed, I was heart broken. This time, there is no reason, just cant seem to pull myself out of it. I have no steam and find myself zoning out and even not eating when Im hungry, I just dont feel like preparing any food. And I know it's bad if that's the case since I am usually a binger. . .

I have a doc app in 2 weeks, thinking of trying to get in sooner, thought I could tough it out until then but today I just felt so horrible that I dont think i'll be able to. I have been contemplating the psychiatrist thing, does anyone have an idea of how long it takes to get into see a doc like that? I just gotta get this under control in the next 5 weeks, cant really care for patients if I cant care for myself Thanks to anyone who had enough spare time on their hands to listen.

PS I was never a big poster but I am now finding it therapeutic however, as you guys get to know you'll realize Im a talker (or writer in this case) lol All my posts will probably be long and you'll learn to avoid clicking on my threads

[alaskanlaughter]

lots of hugs for ya

i stay home all day long with my son and 4 other kids that i do childcare for so i can understand about all the messes and arguments and not listening well sometimes

[theox]

Seriously, get that book. I think you might find it very helpful.

[nurse2be03]

Thanks Guys! I appreciate the support. It put a smile on my face to see that you guys were listening. My hubby, when we first started dating (I was a month shy of my 20th bday with only one child who was about to hit the big 01) asked me what my dream job was. At the time I was struggling working the night shift as a CNA in a LTC home and watching my infant son during the day. . . really hard, I got NO sleep. And I responded with "I'd like to be a stay ay home Mom" and then proceeded to list all the great things about that career. Now, every time I mention that I miss working or that the kids arent listening or something, he feels the need to remind me that I have my "dream job". . .all in good fun of course. He hates his job and if we could financially handle the switch we would, but I couldnt even make in a month what he brings home on one paycheck. I had the idea once upon a time to do the home daycare thing but after a while I learned that I dont think think I could handle more than my own 3 children. More power to ya alaskanlaughter lol. And yes, next week when I order the rest of my nursing books Im going to look for the one you recommended, theox, and sneak it in the order, hehe

I think I will take the kids to the park today and let them run off their energy, and theyve been bugging me to take them to the dollar tree, DS has $20 in bday money he wants to go bye 20 different items for a dollar each. . .oh my, I'm telling myself today will be better!!! Thanks again guys

[IsabellaOlivia]

I think you need to find some good methods to get rid of the stress.You seem overwhelmed.

What about a massage
mani/pedi
A good cup of tea/coffee with a friend
Trip to the zoo ( I find the zoo funnier as an adult actually)
Lightening some candles.
Go to the movies

When you go to the doctor, ask for a referral to a therapist.

[WendeeLou]

Nurse2be03- I am sorry you are having a rough time with everything, but I have to tell ya, I have been there. In fact, I still kind of am. I only have one child though. I dont stay home anymore.. I tried that for about a year, and it just wasnt for me. The only way I think staying home works is if everything else is figured out. Look at it this way, if you had the means to keep your kids busy, for example- involved in some sort of sports or summer camp or other activities, they wouldnt be so inclined to fight and argue. They would enjoy their time together more if they werent around eachother 25/7. In order to do that, financially things have to be good. You mentioned the finances stress you out, and I hear you on that! when I stayed home, we were on a budget. Let me tell you, that is not the life for me. I would much rather work and be comfortable.

You say that you are going to school? Do you plan to work when you get done? As a nurse? I work for Hospice at a local hospital here in my town, and I know a lot of the nurses work part time or flex positions. Maybe that is something to think about. That way you have your YOU time, bring in a little extra money, and have some time away from home.

I hope things get better for you, because I really understand where you are coming from and how you are feeling. I have been on EVERY antidepressant made since I was 15, but what REALLY worked for me and was PERMANENT was getting healthy. I think I incoorperated a lot of yoga and meditation in my workout routines as well. I feel more connected to myself both physically and mentally. And I dont need any medication to get me through my days! You are on the right track girl! And just remember, nothing is ever a lost cause, you will find what works for you and get back to lovin your life!

[WendeeLou]

I guess I just type 25/7 like there is some hidden hour in the day.. my bad! **24/7

[nurse2be03]

WendeeLou- My children are ages 7, 5 and 2. My son, 7, is going into 2cd grade this fall and my 5 yr old daughter starting kindergarten, and thank God it's all day lol. When it was just 2 kids, and my first daughter was 6 months old, hubby and I were both working nights in the LTC home, trying to split the day time hrs for sleep and childcare between the two of us, we were at each other's throats, it was not working lol. My monthly pay would have only been just enough to cover day care so we decided then it would be a better investment in our time for me to quit working and go to school. So thats what Ive been doing for 5 yrs now. Its been a rough road but there's finally a light at the end of the tunnel, 3 yrs of part time clinicals and Ill go back to work right when our youngest daughter starts kindergaten, excellent timing. You are right, I am overwhelmed, lol (and when I start feeling really crazy I start begging for another kid because I miss having babies Then I come to my senses and remember babies grow up lol and change my mind). I think some of this will calm down when the two older are in school next month. I looked into camp and programs, cant afford any of it lol, and sports dont start till fall but again the two older are set to start football and soccer. You are totally right though, if they werent around each other all the time, they wouldnt fight lol

Ive been considering my own well being lately and I think it would be good for me to get out of the house and be a woman and not a mom all the time so I applied to the local hospital and also to the hospital where I'll be attending clinicals for a part time CNA night position. I have no idea how I'll pay a sitter for the 3 week day shift training, or how we'll mange juggling even more on our schedule but I think I need to put my scrubs back on and go to an environment I enjoy. I miss being in the field, and I think having the opportunity to go and come back would make me better able to handle my home responsibilities.

I also think youre right about the permanent healthy life style. This year has been the longest Ive stuck with healthy food and exercise but since coming off WB I cant make myself move. Im struggling but trying and I think eventually I will get it unassisted, right now I think I just need a little push lol. Thanks so much for relating to me, its good to know my feelings are shared and I am not alone.