General chatter - What not to wear...(not the show!)




Lori Bell
07-10-2011, 06:36 PM
Okay, this is going to sound terrible to some. I shouldn't even be thinking about it because it is totally none of my business, and I probably need to keep my mouth SHUT but YIKES!!!!

I have recently met a woman at church who has lost 130 pounds on her own...kind of the way I did it. She is a newer member, I'd say around 6 months, and we became friendly when a mutual friend introduced us as "weight loss twins". So, like I said, she has lost 130 pounds, and I'd say she probably has 30-40 pounds to go to be in a normal weight. She is in her mid 50's and seems like a really nice person. BUT...(here goes)...she dresses like a hoochie mama... Like today, she wore a white cami with nothing under it, (no bra) and nothing over it....You know the kind, with the cute little lace bottom and spaghetti straps. OMGosh, it was terrible. I know losing weight makes a person feel more self confident, but oh my. It was bad. I wouldn't dress like that to run to the post office...at night, when it's dark...lol. I have a few "church clothes" outfits that I didn't get rid of yet when I did my big purge...(because I had spent quite a bit of money on them). Do you think I should offer them to her? Or should I just keep my mouth shut?


Lovely
07-10-2011, 06:42 PM
I don't think there's anything wrong with offering her a few clothes for her in-between sizes. More of a general good idea that if she does have a use for them, then all the better. If not, then they were eventually going to be donated anyways, so no loss, and no harm done.

I'd probably stop short of mentioning how she currently dresses, though. (Not that you would!) After all, maybe she dressed like a hoochie mama at her highest weight, too!

astrophe
07-10-2011, 06:44 PM
I have a similar problem with a casual friend. She dresses too small/too tight and I say nothing at this point because I know she has a weird body image thing to work through. I don't think her actual body matches her brain body. YKWIM? And I'm not going there. No way.

A.


EZMONEY
07-10-2011, 08:26 PM
Tough situation Lori Bell...

here is my take on it....

You have both done something superior :carrot:

you have that in common....sisters in weight loss

both attending the same church....sisters in Christ

My suggestion would be to offer her the clothes AS you share your weight loss story...maybe over coffee or something else comfortable to you where "it just happens to come up" ;)

She may always dress like a hoochie mama ...

but He has placed you in a situation where you may be able to advise her in a supportive way.

Final suggestion from me (what we do in our house)...

Pray about it...give your thoughts and prayer 3 days and see if something comfortable comes up....works many times in our lives...

:hug: Prayers for you and her as you go forward.....:)

bargoo
07-10-2011, 09:48 PM
Has she been attending church a long time? If she is new to church going she may not be aware of what is appropriate for wearing to church.
I wouldn't say anything about today's clothes but would make an offer of clothes that you no longer can use, if she is still dieting she shouldn't be offended by that. She may get the idea of what is appropriate of what other women wear and also from your generous offer.

berryblondeboys
07-10-2011, 09:56 PM
Ok, the idea of her dressing like a hoochie mama with 130 more pounds than now is frightening even to me! But then, I'm about as 'anti' hoochie mama a person as you can get.

I run into this problem a 'bit' with my MIL. She wears her clothes TIGHT. Like, you can see the bra strap clasps through her shirt. And her pants look like they are painted on her. She's just shy of 76 years old and it's completely inappropriate. They are conservative clothes, but worn like she's got a hot, 30 year old tight body.

She 'says' she wants people to tell her that things don't look good or not, but when we make subtle suggestions, she gets mad and says, "it needs to be this way".

So, saying something isn't going to work (from you anyway).

Scarlett
07-10-2011, 10:13 PM
I would go with your gut. Whatever feels right, don't force yourself to say something if it feels wrong.

I will add, some people are CRAZY CLUELESS. I had a similar situation a few years ago where I was contiunally doing something rude and didn't know it. Until a friend politely suggested I do something different, I was grateful, I got the message, and fixed my behavior. Looking back on it I don't know what I was thinking.

Some people would want to know and would be super grateful, others don't take criticism (or polite suggestions) well at all. Go with your gut.

Nola Celeste
07-10-2011, 10:37 PM
Yikes...braless white camis in church does sound a bit hoochie, and I'm not usually one to notice or remark on such things. No wonder you want to help this chick out. :D

I don't think there's anything wrong with offering the clothes to her, but people sometimes have a very quirky sense of style and they may be as little to her tastes as you (okay, and me too) find her teeny lacy camisoles, so she may decline. Or she'll accept, but quietly donate the clothes to Goodwill and keep wearing the tighty-whitey stuff. I don't know about you, but I would find it hard to give some favorite clothes to someone, only to see them not wear them; I wouldn't bring it up to them, but I'd secretly believe that the person thought I dressed funny and it'd make me feel a little odd around them.

But that might be because I dress funny. I couldn't say. :D

On the other hand, she might simply be wearing clothes she had from decades ago, the only clothes that fit her new leaner shape. She might love to get a bunch of more appropriate clothes, and you can easily strike up a conversation about how hard it is to stay in nice clothes when your size changes so much on your way down: "By the way, I have some nice things that I shrank out of too quickly to enjoy, I'd love to see them get some use; would you like them?"

So my vote is to offer the clothes in as friendly and casual a fashion as possible, hope she wears them, and bite holes in your tongue if she doesn't. Your impulse to help the woman out is generous, but she either knows she's letting "Flopsy and Mopsy" run loose more than they should and doesn't mind, or she's unaware and would be mortified if she thought other people noticed.

Your solution of offering her clothes is a good one when you can't actually say, "Hey, did you know I can see your areolas?"

MariaMaria
07-10-2011, 10:44 PM
ISTM that we've seen a lot of women here at 3FC really eager to fit into and wear all sorts of, erm, odd choices for clothes when they've finally lost weight. It's like they're wearing what they wanted to wear at age 18 and couldn't, and now that they can, they will.

I think I'd let another competent adult dress herself without my input, especially if I didn't want that adult's candid opinions on how I present myself, you know?

Nekomania
07-11-2011, 05:00 AM
I think the best thing you can do is offer her the clothes. Tell her they don't fit you anymore and that you'd like her to have them as in-between sizes while she continues to lose weight.

I think that's about as subtle of a hint as you can drop and not risk upsetting her in any way. She'll probably appreciate the gesture and might even change her style a bit.

You've met someone who you seem to have a lot in common with. Try not to let something as silly as fashion come between you. ^-^

bargoo
07-11-2011, 08:10 AM
I once had a neighbor who clearly needed clothes, I took some very good tops, sweators and pants, too big for me but in excellent condition, I put them in a plastic bag , hung them on her door with a note," from your guardian angel, if you can't use them, pass them on." I never saw them again., she continued to wear the same old tattered clothing everyday.

nina125
07-11-2011, 09:59 AM
Personally, I would just keep my mouth shut unless she asks me specifically asks me for advice on the matter. Most people go to church for spiritual & emotional support, and not to be criticized on superficial things like how they dress. No matter how good intentioned you are, people will still take offense if you give unsolicited advice about their appearance.

bargoo
07-11-2011, 10:48 AM
Personally, I would just keep my mouth shut unless she asks me specifically asks me for advice on the matter. Most people go to church for spiritual & emotional support, and not to be criticized on superficial things like how they dress. No matter how good intentioned you are, people will still take offense if you give unsolicited advice about their appearance.

Some things are just not appropriate in church or the workpace either, I had to send someone home to change once,she came to work wearing a bare midriff top, that is just not appropriate in a place of business dealing with the public, just as a cami with no bra is inapproriate for church.

TamiL
07-11-2011, 10:57 AM
I would also have to side with the "don't say anything" camp. If she is happy with what she is wearing.....more power to her. Self expression is a wonderful thing. She sounds like a confident lady to me.....

nina125
07-11-2011, 11:09 AM
Some things are just not appropriate in church or the workpace either, I had to send someone home to change once,she came to work wearing a bare midriff top, that is just not appropriate in a place of business dealing with the public, just as a cami with no bra is inapproriate for church.


Church and work are not the same thing. Most people do not have a choice when it comes to work, however they can chose to go to church or not. It is well within your right to make & enforce dress codes in your place of business, but playing fashion police at church is really not what a "christian" should be worrying about.

Personally, I'd rather go to a church where people dress inappropriately rather than a church where old biddies cluck their tongues at other people's fashion choices. Again, that is just my personal opinion.

I really don't want to turn this into a religious debate, so I am going to politely bow out of this thread.

Riemontana
07-11-2011, 11:46 AM
I think that your intentions are good but I would advise you to use caution. I have had fairly close friends pass on clothing to me as I have been losing weight. Almost always, they dont fit or look terrible on me. It is sometimes hurtful when they give me clothes that are more suited for my heavier self than this one.

Perhaps a better strategy would be to invite her for a day of shopping at a discount place and look at clothing. You could suggest an appropriate top or two for her to try on....

Finally, I think that what she wears to church is not that important. If it is grossly revealing, the minister should quietly speak to her.

Shannon in ATL
07-11-2011, 11:59 AM
I have been known to wear a white cami like you describe before, mine has a liner so isn't see through. I can't say I would wear it to church without something over it, but I would definitely wear it around town without thinking anything about it. Maybe she thinks it is casual rather than inappropriate?

bargoo
07-11-2011, 06:37 PM
I wear tank tops to church, but always have a jacket on. I don't think a cami with no bra is appropriate, she may not realize how it looks to others or may not even think of it as out of place. I would not say anything to her. I am just trying to get a handle on why she would dress like that.
I am not comparing work clothing and church clothing just saying there is a right time and place for everything.

evilwomaniamshe
07-11-2011, 06:39 PM
I see many peeps wearing things they shouldn't be wearing & I just gasp to myself & I say to myself, I will probably see them in my next issue of Glamour in the DON'T section, yanno the one with the black bar across their face!!! :D I guess some peeps don't do a mirror check before leaving the house! :dizzy: Me thinks this gal is OBVIOUSLY comfortable in her own skin, so unless you have anything see-thru to give her Lori Bell, being I'm sure she's from the camp, if you got it flaunt it! :D

Or perhaps she doesn't like wearing bra's in summer, yanno too many layers!!! ;)

EZMONEY
07-11-2011, 06:41 PM
.....

Or perhaps she doesn't like wearing bra's in summer, yanno too many layers!!! ;)

Reminds me of being a teen-age boy in the '60's.....ahhh.....good times :D

dragonwoman64
07-11-2011, 07:56 PM
Personally, I would just keep my mouth shut unless she asks me specifically asks me for advice on the matter. Most people go to church for spiritual & emotional support, and not to be criticized on superficial things like how they dress. No matter how good intentioned you are, people will still take offense if you give unsolicited advice about their appearance.

It's my opinion saying something or offering her clothes wouldn't end up in a good way. She's bound to be embarrassed and angry, no matter how well intentioned you are or how tactfully you put it. If some representative of the church felt the need to speak to her about her clothes being inappropriate because her outfits cause a ruckus or whatever, hopefully someone she has a good history with, then so be it. My 2 cents for what it's worth!

Ursula745
07-11-2011, 08:12 PM
You know, I think I would say something like...

"I have some clothes that don't fit any longer that you might like. I know it's tough when we're in between sizes not to spend a fortune as we get smaller. I'm unable to wear these now, so if you want them, you can have them. I guess I need to go find some more church appropriate attire since I can't wear these any longer!" :D

IsabellaOlivia
07-11-2011, 08:21 PM
Church and work are not the same thing. Most people do not have a choice when it comes to work, however they can chose to go to church or not. It is well within your right to make & enforce dress codes in your place of business, but playing fashion police at church is really not what a "christian" should be worrying about.

Personally, I'd rather go to a church where people dress inappropriately rather than a church where old biddies cluck their tongues at other people's fashion choices. Again, that is just my personal opinion.

I really don't want to turn this into a religious debate, so I am going to politely bow out of this thread.

I agree. Jesus did not create church for us to judge. Only God should be doing the judging in the very house of God.

theox
07-11-2011, 08:29 PM
I'd be kind of wary about saying something. If she's happy at the church and growing spiritually, that's what's really important, right? Clothes are kind of irrelevant from that perspective, and it would be a shame to make somebody feel judged or unwelcome over something that's ultimately so insignificant.

Now, if her dress is causing problems for the other members and the clergy aren't already aware of it, I might mention to them that so-and-so is such a great addition to the church, but her clothes do seem to be a bit distracting, and could they maybe say something to her about that?

Of course, if the subject of clothing just happens to come up and it seems like she might be receptive to the idea of new and/or different clothes, I think it would be nice of you to offer her your old church duds as a gesture of friendship/fellowship. Of course, she may be happy with what she's wearing or may not like your taste in clothes, so there's no telling whether she'd accept your offer or wear the clothes if you gave them to her.

EZMONEY
07-11-2011, 09:10 PM
Just a little hijack here...

We wear just about anything to my church from shorts/flip-flops and T's to full on suits...

but I gotta tell ya all that are criticizing some here....

boobs hanging out anywhere where children are is not appropriate!

FrouFrou
07-11-2011, 10:59 PM
Like you said, it's really none of your business what she wears and I definitely would not say anything to her, maybe just offer the clothes. Who knows she might even take them.

Nola Celeste
07-12-2011, 06:13 AM
Yeah, I got the impression that what the lady's wearing falls under what EZ referred to as the "boobs hanging out" category, so my advice was predicated on that. I'm anything but judgmental about a person's individual style, at church or anywhere else, but...I don't know, I'm funny about near-nudity in church, I guess.

The real irony there is that I don't even belong to a church and consider myself a wishful agnostic. When I went to England a number of years ago, I wouldn't even enter a church in shorts; I would have felt disrespectful of others if I went into a church dressed in the typical tourist regalia. (Not to say I dressed like a nun, either, but I put on a dress and nicer shoes to see the cathedrals.)

Maybe I'm just weird about that.

Or maybe I just have a different mental image of the camisole in question. I'm thinking of a fiftyish woman with no bra and knowing how I look as a fortyish woman with no bra, there is no way I could wear such a flimsy garment without looking downright obscene. The woman in question might not have the same...uh...endowments and prominent anatomical temperature gauges, let's say, that I do, but if she does--yeah, I can see how people would notice that in church.

It's weird that I feel it'd be none of anyone else's business in any other venue but a church, yet I'm a little aghast at someone being one summer rain shower away from taking second place in a wet t-shirt contest while at church.

EZMONEY
07-12-2011, 08:16 AM
It's weird that I feel it'd be none of anyone else's business in any other venue but a church, yet I'm a little aghast at someone being one summer rain shower away from taking second place in a wet t-shirt contest while at church.

:D

Anyone here that knows me knows that I am a Christian, I go to church almost every single week....and I am certainly not a prude....

and yes I need a lot of forgiveness! ;)

As I mentioned before our congregation comes in all shapes and sizes and colors....and clothing!

I can remember mother's absolutely cringing back in those "girls wearing thong underwear out of their pants" days....

kneeling in the pews was a fine art that wasn't mastered!

Now, I am a "normal" :?: male...I love to sneak a pick or two at a pretty gal...

I am all for being yourself...

we all do our own judging of things...whether we admit it or not....

But no one should knowingly wear clothing that would make the people around them, in any situation, feel uncomfortable.

I think that's all Lori was asking....how to share that...not judging.

MindiV
07-12-2011, 08:47 AM
I think you can offer her the clothes without commenting on her current style of dress. Just tell her you're cleaning out your closet and think some of your things might fit her...that you'll donate them if she doesn't want them. Have her come over for coffee or tea and snacks and try some things on. Make no judgments about what she picks or doesn't pick. Just make it a fun, relaxing afternoon.

evilwomaniamshe
07-12-2011, 09:29 AM
Reminds me of being a teen-age boy in the '60's.....ahhh.....good times :D

ROFLMAO! :D Your welcome for the flashback Gary! :D

I'm known to sport the 1 less layer look sometimes, :o but I doubt I cause any uproars or judgement being I am not that well endowned & I stick to black or pink & have athletic pecs! ;)

Lori Bell
07-12-2011, 10:16 AM
Great suggestions and comments everyone. I really enjoyed reading what everyone had to say. Okay, so I came up with an idea. I've been known to bring a box of garden veggies to church to share on numerous occasions. Matter of fact I'm beginning to have an over abundance already of summer squash. SO, when I ask the pastor to announce there are "free veggies" in the fellowship hall, I will also have him announce there is also a box of "free clothes". If she needs/wants them she can look through the box, if not...well then, maybe she'll take some zucchini!

Oh, and as some of you guessed, a mid 50's woman, who has lost 130 pounds, in a see-through cami, really is on the borderline of "adults only". :)

theox
07-12-2011, 10:26 AM
Oh, and as some of you guessed, a mid 50's woman, who has lost 130 pounds, in a see-through cami, really is on the borderline of "adults only". :)

Oh dear.:o Definitely sounds like something to make the preacher handle, to me.

I think your plan is a good one, Lori Bell.

EZMONEY
07-12-2011, 10:31 AM
Good idea Lori Bell....

if she picks up on the clothes awesome...

if not...

pray for an early winter....