General chatter - I have no idea where or who to turn to..
07-06-2011, 05:54 PM
I'd like to begin with first saying thank you for taking the time to read this it's going to be a bit lengthy but I don't know what to do at this point.
So after a spat with my husband about his choice of friends (he doesn't see it as an issue to have single lady friends yet I can't have any male friends at all)
We agreed to come to a compromise about the whole friends situation. I an over analyzer of every single thing ever couldn't go to bed and just started feeling lonely and depressed. A lot of what he said really hurt, mainly it was him pointing out that I don't like doing things he likes and when I asked him what he couldn't come up with an answer. He always makes excuses for not wanting to go out for date night saying he is tired or he just doesn't feel like it, but if it was any one else male or female invites him out he is raring to go.
This morning he called and I just had to tell him my feelings, I let him know that I was feeling lonely, depressed, and just pushed aside. He let me know he had been feeling the same way since Christmas. This shocked me because he never mentioned anything (a guy thing maybe?). When I asked him why he just said he didn't know and that it should eventually go away, I told him why I felt the way I did and he stuck with his story "I don't know, it'll go away, it's a rough patch, just leave it alone" I didn't pressure him any further in fear he will just keep shutting down so I just stopped asking.
I guess my question here is if anyone has any experience with this sort of thing. I feel like our marriage has just been one big sham this year. He has never expressed these feelings before but something inside me is saying he is just saying this to keep me quiet about my feelings. Everything else has been normal when we do have our occasional spats it doesn't last more than an hour or two. We are still intimate and he was excited about working on his car. Maybe this was all a red flag? We had a great weekend at his parent's house went out to watch a show he had been dying to go to so I am lost...help!:?:
07-06-2011, 06:04 PM
i dont know if this is similar or not but A.LOT(!) of men go through PMS-like symptoms and i know for sure that my DH gets that....where he goes through a week or two of really super grumpy moods...won't talk about it, picks fights with me, gets angry over everything, snaps at everyone, wants to change jobs, etc...nothing in particular can bring it on, it just happens...when he gets in moods like that, he tends to look back and only see the negative things, or view things in a negative light, and doesn't realize that it's only his perspective....and once he's through his moods, he's just fine and like it never happened....he's in one of those moods today but i know it's brought on by a busy holiday weekend (he has sensory disorder), a rough work day and today his cousin was buried also and he wasn't able to travel to her funeral....i just tend to not engage him in conversations when he's moody like that, keep to myself or at least out of his way, and eventually his mood will improve....
07-06-2011, 06:18 PM
OK, well --- the red flag I see here is him blaming you for his behavior. It's blameshifting when he says that he hangs out with Miss Thang because you don't do X, Y and Z. So not fair. What should matter to him most is stopping the behavior that hurts you. First and foremost! You two got married for a reason. Find again what it was that brought you two together in the first place. And it's ok not to have the same interests but it's equally important, if not more, to have something you share together. And Miss Thang can't be the only person out there that he can share such-and-such with. That's a bunch of crap. And him hanging with her is a very slippery slope especially if he has a wife that is feeling lonely and neglected. He should be chomping at the bit to go out with you and having fun. It worries me that he is not putting in as much of an effort with you that he does with his friends. He's taking you for granted. :(
Have you considered counseling? It might be time.....
I'm sorry you are going through this sweetie.
07-06-2011, 06:21 PM
My husband and I were having pretty much the exact same problem. We went to a councelor and things got better. If you can get a third party involved it could possibly be a big help. It took someone else explaining it to him for him to understand, heck if I know why, but she really helped us a lot. I'll also suggest the book The Five Love Languages. Someone suggested it to me when we were having our problems.
I hope things get better. I know how lonely it can be and how much it can hurt your feelings.
07-06-2011, 07:49 PM
I'd definitely suggest counseling as well. What worries me is that he doesn't want to do date night anymore. Avoiding you won't fix anything!
07-06-2011, 09:00 PM
I would suggest counseling as well. Even before that I would remind him that married men do not go out with other women, this is guarenteed to cause a BIG problem. If he wants to do some guy things, just guys to a ball game or something.OK, and you should be able to go out with girlfriends, no guys allowed. I do not know your husband but he sounds very immature to me.
07-06-2011, 09:08 PM
I echo an appointment with a couples counselor.
I think what I don't like about it... is that he's just shoving it under the rug. "...leave it alone...it'll go away" Ignoring problems don't make them go away. It's different if people just need a few days to think about something, but I don't see solutions just popping up when a problem of that kind is ignored.
...And then it's always worse when it rears its ugly head some time down the road.
Best of luck with what you decide!
07-07-2011, 12:16 AM
Thank you ladies so much for your words.
There is an update....
I got a call from him this afternoon he was at work(he is a truck driver and there are docks in both southern and northern cali) when he sees his father's car now a quick background they haven't spoken in over a year and a half over a fight that got out of control and it ended in his father telling him never to call or text with him or any of the family again, mind you he still talks to his mom and step dad just fine his birth father is a whole slew of problems best saved for another thread. Anyway he sees his father and an awkward conversation ensues after 10 minutes its over and he calls me to apologize and to promise that I will never let him turn into his father who used him as a confidant of all his extra marital affairs when my hubs was a teenager.
I told him about counseling and he said yes. So I made a couple of calls today so I just need to set a date for that. Hopefully this will only get better. Once again thank you so much ladies :)
07-07-2011, 12:50 AM
Awesome! It's a good sign that he's willing to go to counseling with you. It shows that he cares enough about you AND the relationship to try to fix it! Good luck!
07-07-2011, 04:21 AM
This is what i have learned so far..
Guys go to there cave..aka: they need there space to be in there man world..Its kind of like..being around so much estrogen at home..makes them want to go hide away and do testosterone minded things..So if he is taking time out..its probably just because he needs to get back to the part of him where he was doing things that made him happy..manly things..and on his own.. or with his buddies-hence the car happiness..
As far as the whole "ive been feeling that way too"..Some men have a hard time expressing there feelings..but obviously he feels just as "un-desired" or "un-wanted" for a lack of a better term.. He feels how you feel his..except in his own guy way and so i think it might be time to start talking some more about what the "real" issue is..cause its obvious there is a real issue at the core..but you havent gotten to it yet..
With that being said..its important not to push too much..you dont want to be controlling...you want to be loving..and its hard to just leave things be for women most times..we can be so analytical..but for now..just leave it if he says to leave it..he will come around..
As far as the whole "he can have single girl friends and you cant have single guy friends"...Well its obvious he doesnt want anyone hanging around his prize possession!!..He sees a guy hanging around you as making him feel threatened..but because he trusts and knows himself, he doesnt feel like its an issue with him hanging out with a single girl....see there is a positive side to that in one sense.. however..i believe that if the OP is going to hang out with a single friend..then you should be able to do the same..there should be no controlling things going on here.. just my opinion..
07-07-2011, 05:57 AM
I don't really see anything positive about it being ok for him to have female friends but it not being ok for her to have male friends. It's controlling and just not cool.
07-07-2011, 08:17 AM
I told him about counseling and he said yes.
This is a good sign! :hug: Best of wishes!
07-07-2011, 08:31 AM
Good news about him agreeing to counseling. Hope it works out for you.
07-07-2011, 09:51 AM
Maybe the friends thing could be because he may feel antsy about being cheated on, either because a former partner cheated on him or because of his father's history, but he feels securely that he won't cheat on you, so he doesn't see his side of things as something to worry about.
I've had unfaithful partners in the past. When I got together with my partner, there were two things I made sure we did. One was to sit down and go over our respective sexual histories before sleeping together, the clinical side of things rather than the emotional side of things. The other happened a few weeks later. We curled up and had a good long talk about monogamy, what it meant to us individually. It wasn't the sort of talk where you tell someone what to do, it was the sort where you talk about how you really feel about things. As I'd expected, we are both wired to be monogamous (not everyone is, I have several friends who are polyamorous for instance, and others who have been on one or the other side of cheating), but I didn't want to take things for granted in this relationship.
Anyway, I'm really glad we had that talk, and that we continue to talk about such matters. It helped build trust and intimacy, and it also meant that we don't worry about each other's friends or if one of us is home later than planned. Of course we have friends of both genders, and would be horrified at the idea of restricting each other's friends. It would be pointless anyway, as we're both bisexual and many of our friends are queer. We both feel free to ogle actors on TV, and sometimes one of us will ask, "What did they just say? I was distracted by the cleavage," and the other will respond, "No idea - so was I!" We also both feel comfortable enough that if someone tries to chat one of us up, we'll come home and tell the other one about it, and and we had a good giggle at some of the strange things that happened when he went to a stag weekend recently (not that I'm upset that he declined the strip club part).
I am much, much happier this way than in some previous relationships, where there was this horrible feeling of not quite knowing, and feeling antsy when the other partner was talking about a clingy ex or a woman who'd tried to grope them or what have you, and where I never dared ask.
07-07-2011, 01:38 PM
As far as the whole "he can have single girl friends and you cant have single guy friends"...Well its obvious he doesnt want anyone hanging around his prize possession!!..He sees a guy hanging around you as making him feel threatened..but because he trusts and knows himself, he doesnt feel like its an issue with him hanging out with a single girl.
This is what he has always told me and while some might see it as a show of how much he cares I just see it as him not trusting me and usually (I've watched this type of thing happen before) when a married man hangs out with a single woman then it's asking for trouble. It's not a road that I want to travel in, the only reason I brought up having male friends was because I wanted to know how he would feel if I did have them and he was clearly uncomfortable with the idea. Now I'm not saying that it's impossible to have friends or that cheating only happens with singles, I know it's happened between married couples too.
But I do understand everything else you posted and thank you for your insight.
I hope no one thinks it's about me not wanting him to hang out with friends that has never bothered me really I admit I use to be a really jealous person, but I have worked my way passed that in the last 5 yrs we have been married. What did bother me was him not wanting to go out with me.
We are planning our counseling session it's more of him asking for a day off from work so he will let me know what they say today. I'm excited that he doesn't want to just give up, the visit from his father was a blessing in disguise.
On a plus note..I didn't go to my go to feel good remedy I abstained from going crazy with the tub of ice cream! I didn't have any actually :carrot: but boy oh boy has it been humid here!!
07-07-2011, 02:50 PM
usually (I've watched this type of thing happen before) when a married man hangs out with a single woman then it's asking for trouble.
Good heavens, what an extraordinary statement. No, of course that's not the case, just as it's a myth that all men are biologically driven to rape women if the latter happen to be wearing remotely slinky outfits. I think the pair of you have some very deep jealousy and trust issues you need to work on, hon. I'm glad that you've both decided to go to relationship counselling.
A friend of mine has just escaped from a relationship where his girlfriend was so jealous that she isolated him from all his friends. In other words, domestic abuse. He's in a terrible state. I think the girlfriend had serious mental health issues, but whatever caused her behaviour, it was not remotely acceptable and caused him a lot of damage. Please don't travel down this road.
07-07-2011, 03:35 PM
Esofia I didn't mean it as a generalization of all men, it was just an observation of what I have seen/experienced before and I don't see how that in anyway in comparable to the rape statement, rape is a terrible thing for anyone male or female to go thru and to blame the victim is a terrible thing to say even if some people think that myth is true. I admitted to having had jealousy issues and I have tried to work passed them. Things have changed a lot since we were first married, the friends he knew at the time that we met were heavily into drugs and drinking, he himself has told me that he knew that he wasn't heading in a good direction hanging out with them all the time.
I understand that having interests outside the relationship is healthy and I support that but like I pointed out and I don't think I am wrong or am I? by asking him to spend some time with just me, to go out on a date with me it doesn't have to be a fancy dinner or anything something as simple as going out for a hike, just a walk in the park, or the movies. We don't see each other much because of his work he comes home on the weekends and leaves usually on Sundays. He is a truck driver and we try to keep the lines of communication open by talking to each other on the phone.
The only thing that bothered me about the single woman was that since she came around I have been in a way banned from going with him on trips because he "fears" that I will yell at her. In the all 6 years I have known him I have never been one to cause a scene, never once in my life. That raised my suspicions, he used to complain about the dealing with the people in the office and would tell me about everyone not because I was poking and prodding for information but he would tell me when he wanted to vent out his frustrations, and I had never heard of this woman until they became facebook friends. I asked who she was and he said oh its a friend. When she commented on something of his that I had also commented on I saw a picture of just boobs...yeah not what a wife wants to see on her husbands friends picture.
07-07-2011, 04:15 PM
I was very clear with my fiance from just before we became a couple.
If he wants to have lonely dates with other women he can turn around and just do that without me in his life.
I don't mind us going out together with other single women in the group, I don't mind getting to know all his girlfriends and be friends/acquaintances with them too, but as I won't go out alone with single guys (and God knows I could do that every day) he won't either.
I was not *****ing, I was not demanding, I didn't opress him. I simply stated how I want my life and asked if he wanted to live like that too. He accepted and we have had 5 years of spotless joy and plenty of fun with common friends.
There is nothing wrong with making clear what is important to you and what you expect from your man/woman. In fact there are many things wrong in expecting the other party to guess what you want and be sad whenever they fail.
I did my part of course in hearing out what he wants and adjusting to it.
07-07-2011, 05:03 PM
Chubbykins I totally agree with what you said! I don't see it as controlling just about being a part of his life. I know everyone has different views on relationships and things such as friends or whatever but I just asked to be included or to be the one he wants to go out with sometimes, you know?
07-07-2011, 05:41 PM
my DH has many friends who are girls, mostly relatives of some sort, some co-workers, etc....he is always honest with me about where he is and what he's doing and always asks if i'm okay with him doing x-y-z because neither of us want to do something that would make the other one uncomfortable....he's gone out to the bars with his co-worker friend and her friends to celebrate her birthday, things like that, and i'm not bothered by it...i know her and she's been to our house and it doesnt bother me...and likewise i wont do things that make him uncomfortable either...he came from a relationship where his gf cheated on him so trust is very important to both of us
but again, it has to be a mutual thing where you both trust each other and agree on things like that...neither DH or i go out very often together but we will on special occasions, and that's just fine by both of us...he's never given me suspicion not to trust him, and i am trustworthy to him also