Weight Loss Support - Too fat to make love...




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Porthardygurl
07-02-2011, 06:26 AM
Tonite i sat in my room heartbroken after the pause of silence that came from a comment that i never thought i would hear my fiancee say to me..
"Have you ever thought that maybe your too fat and too big for me ..and so its hard to have sex with you!"....

I couldnt believe what i had just heard. There is no denying that since meeting him i have ballooned another 50 pounds bigger than what i was when i first met him. I was well aware that i am "Fat" and i was well aware that are relationship lately was becomming rather..lacking..in the love area.. I had asked him earlier this week if we werent as sexually active because i was too fat or he wasnt attracted to me to which his response was "no..." But tonite when i heard that i was too fat and too big...it hurt like none other.. I had never in my life had ever been too big for a guy to sleep with me or be with me.. and alll of the sudden i hear it out of the mouth of my fiancee..the one person that i thought would always accept and love me..

His words of being too fat came with a pause..and then a speech that went like this: " Dont you think it kills me everytime you stuff food in your body which is making you unhealthier..to the point where you could die?"...

My response wanted to be : "Well maybe i wouldnt stuff my face all the time if i wasnt so unhappy.."

Cause my thing is "Feel unhappy..eat...feel stressed...eat" And guess what? Lack of sexual intimacy and lack of love in your life can cause unhappiness...

Im not throwing myself a pity party..and im not saying he is wrong in saying what he did..and im not denying that i need to lose weight or get healthy... i know that i do..and i know that its a life or death thing for me..

I guess it was the kind of slap in the face that had a huge shock factor..and i guess im still trying to take it in..im trying not to be hurt by what he said..but maybe it was the stark reality..that says its time to do something now..

Thoughts?


IsabellaOlivia
07-02-2011, 07:25 AM
I'm going to be a litt harsh, but when you asked him if your weight was a factor in your lack of sex life, you cannot be mad at him for answering you with the truth.

gagalu
07-02-2011, 07:43 AM
um lack of sex didn't make you fat hun

if you want to say that you're fat because you're unhappy, that's a really unfortunate cycle you're going to be stuck in -- because from the sounds of it, you're also unhappy because you're fat.

you need to be the person to pull yourself out of it. he's voiced his opinion on it -- you wanted to know and he answered. the question is just whether or not you're willing to do something about it.

it's hard to hear, but at least take comfort in the fact that if you want to change the situation you're in, you can. diet and exercise is one of the only things that you can have 100% control over.


sacha
07-02-2011, 08:00 AM
Are you receiving any professional help for depression/postpartum depression?

I wouldn't put energy into trying to be hurt by what's said - you WILL be hurt by it. That's a given. The question is now, where do you go from here? I think to change the outside we must always work on the inside. If you are struggling with PND (which I think I recall you saying once), you'll need to focus on that too. Good luck, I've been there, have my good & bad days (my boy is 13 months), but it's like a dark cloud on your life outlook.

Nola Celeste
07-02-2011, 08:07 AM
I'm sorry you're hurt; I can imagine how such a thing would crush me. :hug:

At this point, I think you need to stop involving him in your weight loss. He has the right to his own feelings, but he doesn't have the right to know how much weight you've lost, how you're losing it, how you feel about your losing it, whether your current meal is on-plan or not. Treat those things as personal--I mean really personal, and if he wants to continue to offer advice and opinions, tell him the subject is off limits. And mean it.

It's tempting for me to want to bash a guy who says something like this, but...well, our partners do get affected by our weight. They do have a right to their own feelings as painful as the outcome of them may be. It's one reason why I never asked my husband if my weight was an issue for him; I feared the answer, even though he never gave me cause to worry.

So make the subject verboten in your household. His feelings hurt you too much for you to hear them without feeling pain and probably at least a little righteous anger. Your weight loss efforts apparently cause him distress if it's "killing him" to be involved with your dietary habits.

You know you need to do this for you--you and your daughter--not for the rest of the world, not even for him. I read a lot of your posts and you have such a sense of urgency, of needing the weight off quickly and drastically, but I wonder if you're feeling so much pressure because of yourself or because of external things like your relationship? If that's so, then honey, let me tell you, going at your own pace instead of meeting someone else's deadline will save you SO much agony. I've lost 45 pounds in 7 months--not blazing speed there, not at all--but it's cost me nothing and it's stayed off with ease. Try the slower, steadier way and love yourself to health instead of trying to punish yourself thin.

I'm sorry to hear you're unhappy, but is a lack of intimacy the cause of it? Or is it a symptom? It's easy to blame relationship woes--"Fine, he doesn't want to play, I'll just eat another slice of pizza because there's no use trying to get fitter for him"--but sometimes it takes more effort thinking about why there's unhappiness in your life or why you're struggling on your diet.

I think you know it's time to do something. You've been posting here almost as long as I have, and your posts are fraught with a kind of white-knuckled tension about how difficult you're finding things. People can't sustain that kind of tension in their lives without something breaking, and in your case it's been your diet. Honestly, I think you push yourself too hard; you might struggle so much with your eating because you're trying to eat food that wouldn't sustain me and I'm twice your age and almost a foot shorter than you. I'd feel a constant sense of doom and panic if I felt I had to eat crap and lose on a deadline.

Please don't do that to yourself--and don't let anyone else do it to you either. Make your diet about YOU, and he'll come around. For a lot of men--I mean a LOT--it isn't fat that turns them off, it's the way in which some of us react to it: obsessing about it and hating it and not letting them see or touch us and agonizing over the food we eat or the food we don't.

I hope you feel better soon and that he apologizes for hurting you. No one has to apologize for his feelings, but he should apologize for causing you pain.

sacha
07-02-2011, 08:25 AM
For a lot of men--I mean a LOT--it isn't fat that turns them off, it's the way in which some of us react to it: obsessing about it and hating it and not letting them see or touch us and agonizing over the food we eat or the food we don't.

I hope you feel better soon and that he apologizes for hurting you. No one has to apologize for his feelings, but he should apologize for causing you pain.

That is SO insightful Nola.... and I think this ^^^ is a very good insight.

Lori Bell
07-02-2011, 09:26 AM
I'm sorry your guy hurt your feelings, but sometimes these kinds of comments are just the wake up call we need. Weight does effect the quality of sex, and it is difficult to maneuver around a large stomach...(I've been there, done that).

Just suck it up and get the weight off. It's not going to get better unless you do. In the meanwhile...know that lack of sex isn't why you are depressed, it's more than likely lack of excercise, and poor nutrition that is doing it. :hug:

onic28
07-02-2011, 09:55 AM
um lack of sex didn't make you fat hun

if you want to say that you're fat because you're unhappy, that's a really unfortunate cycle you're going to be stuck in -- because from the sounds of it, you're also unhappy because you're fat.



With no offense intended, this poster has it wrong.

I completely understand what it means to suffer from depression that is not caused by weight gain, which in turn makes you WAY more susceptible to gaining weight. There are many of us out there who turn to food because we are sad, and emotional eating is definitely a terrible but real way to lead to being overweight. Of course after the weight is gained, you are also unhappy because you are heavier, but the cycle that you REALLY need to break is your self depreciation. You're beautiful right now... unhealthy? Yes. But still beautiful. If he isn't wanting to have sex purely because of your size then he needs to GO. If he isn't wanting to have sex because of how you treat yourself, then you should re-evaluate the way you're looking at yourself. But you're on the road to losing weight... if he can't handle you at your "worst", he doesn't deserve you at your "best".

Chubbykins
07-02-2011, 10:11 AM
When it comes to sex you can't blame a man (or a woman as a matter of fact) for wanting a healthier partner.
Sex is after all a lot about physical attraction and games. Of course there is emotion, bonding and love, but that exists also when you're making tea or walking with him. During sex, weight is just a lot more hindering and important.
I know some men actually like it more if their partner is not of an ideal weight, but like with so many other things there is a limmit. After a point contact is harder, sweating is more, the form isn't feminine, washing gets harder, being the active partner gets nigh impossible... so many things.
If you are at that point you should actually apologize to yourself for making your sex life so much harder and less pleasant than it should/can be, not be angry at him for pointing out a truth you asked to hear.
Even if he said "everything is ok..." you probably would not have believed him right?
I know it is painful and embarassing and plain hard, but that is all because of excess food and fat, not because of an honest fiance.
So turn that frustration towards your REAL enemy and problem, which is overeating.

Food is not what comforts you when fat causes you trouble, food is what caused your problem in the first place.

I wish you all the best on your weight loss! You can do it :D Let those night of passion return

justaloozer
07-02-2011, 10:14 AM
I'm sorry you're hurt; I can imagine how such a thing would crush me. :hug:

At this point, I think you need to stop involving him in your weight loss. He has the right to his own feelings, but he doesn't have the right to know how much weight you've lost, how you're losing it, how you feel about your losing it, whether your current meal is on-plan or not. Treat those things as personal--I mean really personal, and if he wants to continue to offer advice and opinions, tell him the subject is off limits. And mean it.

It's tempting for me to want to bash a guy who says something like this, but...well, our partners do get affected by our weight. They do have a right to their own feelings as painful as the outcome of them may be. It's one reason why I never asked my husband if my weight was an issue for him; I feared the answer, even though he never gave me cause to worry.

So make the subject verboten in your household. His feelings hurt you too much for you to hear them without feeling pain and probably at least a little righteous anger. Your weight loss efforts apparently cause him distress if it's "killing him" to be involved with your dietary habits.

You know you need to do this for you--you and your daughter--not for the rest of the world, not even for him. I read a lot of your posts and you have such a sense of urgency, of needing the weight off quickly and drastically, but I wonder if you're feeling so much pressure because of yourself or because of external things like your relationship? If that's so, then honey, let me tell you, going at your own pace instead of meeting someone else's deadline will save you SO much agony. I've lost 45 pounds in 7 months--not blazing speed there, not at all--but it's cost me nothing and it's stayed off with ease. Try the slower, steadier way and love yourself to health instead of trying to punish yourself thin.

I'm sorry to hear you're unhappy, but is a lack of intimacy the cause of it? Or is it a symptom? It's easy to blame relationship woes--"Fine, he doesn't want to play, I'll just eat another slice of pizza because there's no use trying to get fitter for him"--but sometimes it takes more effort thinking about why there's unhappiness in your life or why you're struggling on your diet.

I think you know it's time to do something. You've been posting here almost as long as I have, and your posts are fraught with a kind of white-knuckled tension about how difficult you're finding things. People can't sustain that kind of tension in their lives without something breaking, and in your case it's been your diet. Honestly, I think you push yourself too hard; you might struggle so much with your eating because you're trying to eat food that wouldn't sustain me and I'm twice your age and almost a foot shorter than you. I'd feel a constant sense of doom and panic if I felt I had to eat crap and lose on a deadline.

Please don't do that to yourself--and don't let anyone else do it to you either. Make your diet about YOU, and he'll come around. For a lot of men--I mean a LOT--it isn't fat that turns them off, it's the way in which some of us react to it: obsessing about it and hating it and not letting them see or touch us and agonizing over the food we eat or the food we don't.

I hope you feel better soon and that he apologizes for hurting you. No one has to apologize for his feelings, but he should apologize for causing you pain.

I completely agree!

I'm sorry your guy hurt your feelings, but sometimes these kinds of comments are just the wake up call we need. Weight does effect the quality of sex, and it is difficult to maneuver around a large stomach...(I've been there, done that).

Just suck it up and get the weight off. It's not going to get better unless you do. In the meanwhile...know that lack of sex isn't why you are depressed, it's more than likely lack of excercise, and poor nutrition that is doing it. :hug:

Totally agree!


About 2yrs ago I wrote a very similar post to yours. Our love life was really suffering because of my weight. My husband had had enough of me not being me because I hated myself. Our love life was uncomfortable for both of us due to my weight. I was completely devastated, humiliated, and ashamed. I couldn't believe I had let myself go SO much and never once thought about how it would affect anyone else. I thought it was a wake up call but here I am, still fat. Losing and gaining back those same 40lbs, all the while remembering our conversation that night. I was trying to lose weight while suffering from depression which is really hard. I wasn't dealing with the issues I was having which made me turn back to food for comfort.

Finally, as of May 2011 I have myself on track. I feel a lot better when it comes to my depression. I am no where near "fixed" but I have made some changes recently that I feel have bettered my situation. I still stumble and make mistakes. I still sometimes even turn to food for comfort. I may even binge. But every day I remind myself that I don't have a choice when it comes to losing weight. My children need their mother. My husband needs his wife. And I can not be who I need to be if I don't lose this weight and love myself again. :hug:

blueheron777
07-02-2011, 10:21 AM
You asked the question and you got the answer.

Miserable though you feel hearing the truth, let it be the wake-up call that motivates you to do something serious about your weight. It must have been very hard for your fiancee to tell you that--now you can do something about the information you asked for.

He does not need to apologize for causing you pain. He was honest with you and your reaction is your problem, not his.

I may sound harsh here but this is a situation that you can do something about. You have a child and a sweetheart, both of whom need you to be emotionally and physically healthy for a long and rewarding life together. If you need external support, this forum is a great place to find it, and your doctor may be able to point you to resources in your community to help you in person.

Again, remember that you were the person who asked the question.






I wish you all

mimi86
07-02-2011, 10:29 AM
Sometimes men are easily misunderstood--what he said probably felt cruel and horrible, but you know what would have been worse? If he left you, or cheated on you, because he was not attracted. He respects you as a human being and at least cares for you enough to also point out the health aspect of it. He cares about your relationship, otherwise he wouldn't have said anything!

bargoo
07-02-2011, 11:19 AM
I am going to disagree with the above posters a little. People who love us do not say cruel, hurtful things to us. If he had said "I love you the way you are but am concerned for your health, how can I help you?" Barbs rarely help us they only cause resenment and hard feelings.

MissSMcC
07-02-2011, 11:39 AM
:hug:
ouch. no matter if your guy was in the right or wrong, you must have felt terrible hearing that, just wanted to send some love your way x

Lyn2007
07-02-2011, 01:00 PM
That is a really hard thing to hear.

It actually sounds like he cares about you and is very concerned for your health and happiness, though. Sort of like if you were watching him with a gambling or alcohol problem... you have to say something. The way he framed it sounds like concern, not vanity.

You can break the habit/cycle by doing something *different* when you are unhappy. Find other ways to cope. It is hard but you can do it!

Lovely
07-02-2011, 01:28 PM
Nola Celeste has a very thoughtful and, I think, spot on post. You might want to go back, read it again, and let it sink in.

I discussed this post with my husband looking for some insight, and he said almost exactly what she did. His words: I don't know that lack of sex was the cause of unhappiness to start with.

If you're not getting the kind of support you need from your husband, then don't involve him in this part of your life. As sad and frustrating as that may be, not every human we love is "best" for every part of our life. He doesn't seem to be able to provide what you need in this area of your life. Look elsewhere.

Did you ask him a question that you wanted an honest answer to? Or did you want to hear something and asked -hoping- to hear a specific answer?

I'm very sorry that what he said hurt you. It would hurt me, too, if someone said it. I'm not sure how much comfort this will be, but his second comment makes me think that he does truly care about your health and well-being. That it's not just about the weight, but about how you're caring for yourself.

xty
07-02-2011, 05:43 PM
This is a really wonderful opportunity for you and your fiance in a few different ways!!

You were brave enough to basically ask for help by asking a question that you knew was likely true, but that you also knew would be incredibly hard to hear the answer to. Your fiance is also brave for coming back to you with the truth. He wants to help.

Opportunity is 2 fold here :)

1) You can use this as an opportunity to change your lives as a healthy couple. Suggest you need support, and that the best way is through everyday living: cook together, walk together after dinner, bike on the weekends, create some sort of fitness based competition with non-food prizes?! Get creative, but do it together. This embeds support, but doesnt focus on the weight loss -- it focuses on a healthy life for you both.

2) Talk. Your fiance obviously could have chosen his words to be considerably more sensitive and offered direct help. If you can acknowledge you appreciate his bravery, honesty and express your ongoing desire to work to change I bet he will acknowledge he should have been more sensitive. Working thru this problem effectively can foster better communication, increased trust/honesty/intimacy.

Dont worry about the sex right this second. Worry about your health and confidence. If you dont feel attractive, it is not realistic to expect others to feel attracted to you. Work on how YOU feel.

I think you needed to hear the truth out loud, even though you already knew it, so that you could face the full truth of your present reality. Your fiance didnt betray you and he didnt run away. I think he loves you deeply and was very insensitive on a subject he probably has zero experience discussing. *hugs*

QuilterInVA
07-02-2011, 06:35 PM
You asked and her told you, not what you wanted to hear but what he truly felt. Eating for emotional reasons is eating for no reason. Food is fuel for you body and that is it. Some men seek out fat women and some look for thin, we aren't all the same. You can dump him and find someone else or you can do something about your weight. Let me tell you, I was 356 when I saw the light and I'm so much happier and feel so much better thin.

gagalu
07-02-2011, 08:13 PM
With no offense intended, this poster has it wrong.

I completely understand what it means to suffer from depression that is not caused by weight gain, which in turn makes you WAY more susceptible to gaining weight. There are many of us out there who turn to food because we are sad, and emotional eating is definitely a terrible but real way to lead to being overweight. Of course after the weight is gained, you are also unhappy because you are heavier, but the cycle that you REALLY need to break is your self depreciation. You're beautiful right now... unhealthy? Yes. But still beautiful. If he isn't wanting to have sex purely because of your size then he needs to GO. If he isn't wanting to have sex because of how you treat yourself, then you should re-evaluate the way you're looking at yourself. But you're on the road to losing weight... if he can't handle you at your "worst", he doesn't deserve you at your "best".

saying that your weight gain doesn't come from depression or vice versa and then saying your depression comes from self deprecation doesn't make a whole lot of sense. i don't know anything about this person other than what she just posted, which is why i said it sounds like her image is causing her to become even more depressed which in turn causes her to eat more, which is exactly what you just said. i'm not sure where i'm wrong or where you actually disagreed with me other than some semantics related issue.

my point is that self deprecation stems from somewhere -- luckily, when you're overweight, if you don't like the way you look, you can do something about it. my only intention was to encourage the OP by telling her that she can do something about this and that those feelings of hopelessness are purely mental.

astrophe
07-02-2011, 08:28 PM
I've been reading your posts here for a while. I'm going to go gently on a limb and say that I think you put a lot of pressure on your fiancee's plate to be your emotional picker upper everything guy.

You asked a question. And he told you his truth. NO, it isn't that he's not attracted to you. He IS attracted to you. But it "kills him everytime you stuff food in your body which is making you unhealthier..to the point where you could die."

Clearly your weight/body image/emotional eating are a burden on this relationship.

He's worried, but can't seem to talk about this with you without it turning into a thing. So it sounds like he's just as stuck as you. Because he can't magically disappear it either.

I'd suggest counseling. Maybe with the help of a third party you guys can have the health conversation that needs to be had?

GL!
A.

BodyByButter
07-03-2011, 12:16 AM
Remember that intimacy isn't limited to intercourse. Until you make changes that make that more comfortable, there are still things you can do as a couple to keep the spark going.

Mickey79sf
07-03-2011, 01:52 AM
first of all.. :hug: i don't care what anyone else says that was a jerk thing to say. there are many ways to express his feelings about your weight to you without being an *** about it. i had a very similar experience with my fiance. we had been fussing at each other for a while (not over my weight just in general) and one morning he says "maybe the reason we are having problems is because im not attracted to you because of your weight". my response was to turn side ways in the bed, put my feet in his back and shove his butt right out the bed! reality set back in when he hit the floor.. no matter what weight i gained with the baby, you will not disrespect me, you will not be cruel. i can lose 250lbs real fast by putting him out the door. mama, you are beautiful, no matter your weight, because you are a beautiful soul. you know what you need to do about your weight and you will do it your way in your own time and if he loves you he will be supportive and helpful. thats what my fiance did, hitting that floor made him realize that me being heavier, didn't change who i was or how he was going to treat me. you walk with that head up and you do this for you and he will either be a good man and walk beside you or he can walk without u. lots of love!
mickey
ps i don't care if u did ask the question, he could have had better tact than that! point blank period!

LAKERSKB24
07-03-2011, 02:18 AM
Mickey79 - AGREED!

painfullystoic
07-03-2011, 07:33 AM
I am torn as to what to say. Because sometimes we need tough loving. My mum and I had a huge row when she said the same thing to me (Don't you think it kills me every time you stuff food in your body which is making you unhealthier..to the point where you could die?). But at the same time, I need to hear that.

I suffer from depression too. I almost started cutting last year, and I also started having suicidal thoughts again. But right now, I am happier than I have been in years. I live all alone. My parents live halfway across the world and I don't have a partner or many friends. And trust me, a nagging relationship can be so much better than no relationship.

My point is that, sure I hurt a lot. But sometimes we need to take stock of the people in our lives. How our actions can hurt them.

I recently lost my grandmother who has been extremely ill for years. She was 60. She tried to live a healthy life after she had been diagnosed with all her illnesses, but she was struggling to stay alive. After she passed, my entire family turned to me and said. "You need to do something because I don't think we can lose someone else like this. You are young and can change it, you may not be able to prevent getting the illnesses because it is in your blood, but maybe you can increase your lifespan."

I might think of death, but I don't want to die most of the time. I have so many things to do. So much love to give. I can't cut that short.

You have someone who loves you a lot. He loves you enough to never say anything unless you ask. But you need to take what he says with a grain of salt, especially if you eat your emotions. Because trust me when I say, that sometimes our eating habits can hurt our loved ones more.

I am not condoning what he said in anyway. I hate when my loved ones talk about my weight or force me into those discussions, but that is also because I never ask them for input- they do it themselves. But I understand how you feel and how it may have angered you.

But I also know that when my parents eat sugary things, my heart is in my throat because they are both diabetic and sugar can kill them- especially since my mum's blood sugar levels are completely out of control. But until I do something about my own health I have no right to say anything to them. But I know exactly how your boyfriend probably feels too.

sacha
07-03-2011, 08:42 AM
I've been reading your posts here for a while. I'm going to go gently on a limb and say that I think you put a lot of pressure on your fiancee's plate to be your emotional picker upper everything guy.

You asked a question. And he told you his truth. NO, it isn't that he's not attracted to you. He IS attracted to you. But it "kills him everytime you stuff food in your body which is making you unhealthier..to the point where you could die."

Clearly your weight/body image/emotional eating are a burden on this relationship.

He's worried, but can't seem to talk about this with you without it turning into a thing. So it sounds like he's just as stuck as you. Because he can't magically disappear it either.

I'd suggest counseling. Maybe with the help of a third party you guys can have the health conversation that needs to be had?

GL!
A.

I have to agree with astrophe.

I too am familiar with your posts and might suggest that your fiance is under enormous pressure to bear YOUR personal happiness. One person cannot do that.

dragonwoman64
07-03-2011, 01:36 PM
This is a really wonderful opportunity for you and your fiance in a few different ways!!

You were brave enough to basically ask for help by asking a question that you knew was likely true, but that you also knew would be incredibly hard to hear the answer to. Your fiance is also brave for coming back to you with the truth. He wants to help.

Opportunity is 2 fold here :)

1) You can use this as an opportunity to change your lives as a healthy couple. Suggest you need support, and that the best way is through everyday living: cook together, walk together after dinner, bike on the weekends, create some sort of fitness based competition with non-food prizes?! Get creative, but do it together. This embeds support, but doesnt focus on the weight loss -- it focuses on a healthy life for you both.

2) Talk. Your fiance obviously could have chosen his words to be considerably more sensitive and offered direct help. If you can acknowledge you appreciate his bravery, honesty and express your ongoing desire to work to change I bet he will acknowledge he should have been more sensitive. Working thru this problem effectively can foster better communication, increased trust/honesty/intimacy.

Dont worry about the sex right this second. Worry about your health and confidence. If you dont feel attractive, it is not realistic to expect others to feel attracted to you. Work on how YOU feel.

I think you needed to hear the truth out loud, even though you already knew it, so that you could face the full truth of your present reality. Your fiance didnt betray you and he didnt run away. I think he loves you deeply and was very insensitive on a subject he probably has zero experience discussing. *hugs*

terrific post. I'm on the side that he fumbled that play. that doesn't mean he's evil or hates you, he just vented his fears and frustrations in not the best way (at all) to suit the situation. I agree as much as you can seize this opportunity to change things for the better for you and him. I'd even tell him, look, it's not going to be easy for me to forget how you put that to me, since I found it pretty hurtful, but let's make a plan to move forward.

sex has a big mental component. yeah, it might be more fun if you're both acrobats, in perfect shape and completely turned on by each other. plenty of people of all sizes have satisfying sex lives (and plenty in shape people may be completely frustrated).

what somebody says, and what they really mean to say is a mixed bag, so it can be counterproductive to label what he said as "the truth," more like there's some truths mixed in there. I'd imagine there's a bunch of stuff going on, some of it not even related to weight.

I know it's difficult, esp if you're already feeling down, but I hope you take the road not to use this stuff your bf said to beat yourself up with. Good luck!!!

sniperhil
07-03-2011, 01:52 PM
Mickey79sf

Amen girl! I'm right there with you. Your post is inspirational and everything the original poster needed to see. U r awesome.


Wow. Some of you other people have got it all wrong. This man is not just some random guy on the street. This is her fiancee. Someone she has to live with and be married to. Tough love, my @$$. You don't even know her. Or him. She's looking for support, not "well you asked, and it may not have been what you wanted to hear...". you think she doesn't know that?!


Porthardygurl
Honey, you are a strong and special person. If my husband ever said anything like that to me, whether i asked or not, you had better believe there would be consequences. It's the love that keeps you from hurting each other. If he is concerned about your weight, he could have put it differently. If your stomach is too big, try a new position. There are ways around it, and yall can have fun trying. :D You're working on bettering your health, and that's what's important. Don't listen to some of these posts. They shouldn't have even said anything.

Snaplet
07-03-2011, 01:52 PM
I think it's great that you two had that discussion. I think it shows love, bravery and trust from both of you. You were brave to ask, he was brave to say what he knew you didn't want to hear. If he didn't love you, it would have been easier to dodge the question or walk away... I do also agree that maybe he didn't do the best job of communicating gently, but overall it sounds to me like this was a GOOD thing even though it hurt like a *******.

I applaud the suggestion for counseling. In my experience it can be a great thing as individuals and as a couple. It doesn't have to be *therapy* as much as another opportunity to learn more about yourself, each other, and that's always a good thing, right? :-)

canadianwoman
07-03-2011, 02:24 PM
If he didn't love you, it would have been easier to dodge the question or walk away.

This is true. He could have walked away instead of telling you how he felt. I had the same thing happen to me. My guy told me my weight embarrassed him and I did nothing about it. In fact I got even bigger and he did walk away. I wanted to marry this guy but now he is married and has kids with someone else. Someone a lot fitter and healthier then me.

If I could go back in time and actually LISTEN to what he said instead of getting all mad at him I might have seen his comment for what it truly was and done something about my excess weight at the time instead of regretting my non-actions now.

bopbot
07-03-2011, 02:42 PM
i can lose 250lbs real fast by putting him out the door.

Oh, God. I laughed for a year.

I'm very blessed with a partner who's never anything but completely respectful and supportive of my efforts, and has even made lifestyle changes to accomodate me.

I think if my partner were to say what OP's fiancee said to her, he'd mean it and I'd be able to take it as genuine concern for my health. It's very possible that OP is being oversensitive AND he is being less than respectful.

I'm in line with Nola Celeste's post and recommendations.

kaplods
07-03-2011, 03:08 PM
It's very easy to take someone's words out of context, especially when we hear only one side of the story. We don't know what you say to him and how you say it. I'm not accusing you of provoking him, or assuming that you say equally inapropriate things to him, or any of that. I'm just saying that without hearing both sides, we have to guess and make assumptions and try to take possible biases into account. Maybe he's a jerk. Maybe you're a jerk. Maybe both or either of you hurt each other a lot. I don't know enough about your situation to even guess at which of those may or may not be true.

Although I have a masters degree in psychology, I've never been a marriage or relationship counselor, but I've been in a position to mediate conflicts when I was a probation officer and in other areas of social work. And often the two sides of a story don't match up. Both people believe they're telling the "whole truth," but they only see the situation from their own side (and it's impossible to see it from another person's side even when we try).

I know in my own relationship, there have been times that If I were to tell other people what my husband said, they would say "dump him, he's a son of a b****." And likewise my husband could tell his friends what I said in the same argument and they would tell him "dump her, she's a *****."

I don't think what he said is nearly as important as what you've said. If your fiance treats you in a way that you cannot be happy with, maybe you do need to leave him. Notice though I didn't say "in a way that makes you unhappy." Because no one can make you happy. It isn't possible. Happiness is a choice you make for yourself. Sure there are situations that are not conducive to that choice, and you've got to decide what to do about it. If he can't be someone you can be happy with, you've got to take that understanding and do something about it. Whether that's leaving, couples counseling, or something else, I can't say. Your life, your choice.

But assigning someone the task and responsibility of making you happy isn't going to work. It can't, because your fiance has virtually no control over your happiness (he has a little bit of input, but ultimately it's your responsibility, not his).

Depression does make happiness difficult, so make sure that you're getting help for the depression. Medications can be very helpful, but it still takes serious mental work. It still takes recognizing that you have a choice in the matter.

You have made comments that suggest you have a tendency to blame the situation or other people for what is happening inside your head. I understand that. I grew up in a household with parents and grandparents who blamed others for their sitation. When they were unhappy, it was always someone else's fault. Sometimes they lay the blame at us kids - if we were better behaved their lives wouldn't be so miserable.

Even as a kid, I suspected that they were choosing to be unhappy or at the very least it wasn't really anyone's fault - because no matter how hard I tried to make them happy, it rarely worked. When I did feel like I succeeded in making them happy, it never lasted nearly as long as the misery.

Living in that did shape my experiences and my own personality. I do sometimes tend to blame my husband for my own choices. He was raised in a similar household, so he does the same thing. We're both people pleasers by nature. Hubby's a white knight who wants to solve everyone's problems. I tend to put everyone's needs before my own, and then resent them all for not appreciating it or returning the favor (and I keep my resentment to myself until it boils over).

But in the light of day. When I'm being reasonable me, I realize that only I can make me do things, including being happy. I have to know myself enough to choose happiness.

Choosing happiness can mean removing someone from your life, but what it almost never means is changing someone. People can change, but usually the changes are subtle not complete personality-transplants. I've changed tremendously, but it's all been a lot of work, and I still have to fight the impulse to blame others (just because my auto-pilot reflects the environment I was raised in. When I'm thinking I know this, but when I'm reacting, I forget).

I think your relationship with your fiancee needs work (by both of you), but so does your relationship with yourself.

I think counseling would help a lot (and not because I think you're crazy). I think most people would benefit from having gone through some kind of counseling. It's nice just having an objective ear who you know isn't going to gossip about you all over town or make the conversation all about him/her - someone who's heard it all before and isn't going to judge you, because he or she has seen and heard a lot worse.

I know counseling isn't always feasible, but if it's possible, I think you would find it helpful.

Mickey79sf
07-03-2011, 08:55 PM
There is a couple of things that are bugging me about some of these post. 1. is that the op is being to sensitive.. really!! there is not one woman out there who if she were trying to snuggle up to her man and he said something like this, you know you would feel the same way. hurt to the bone. 2. that she is expecting to much from her fiance in terms of making her happy.. what the h3ll is he suppose to be there for! thats his job! just like its her job to make him happy and bring joy and support into his life. i understand that her weight may have been bothering him but you don't motivate someone with humiliation, embarresment or pain. if she is depressed, its her mans job to come to her and ask whats wrong how can he help, ride the storm out with her. 3. when a man loves you, they just love you, fat, skinny, extra toe. don't matter. if his comment had been soley about wanting you to lose weight for your health, i'd be right there with him. but when he threw the sex thing in it, he took a left turn. just my two cents :)

misski
07-03-2011, 09:13 PM
Too fat to have sex? I hope I'm not saying the wrong thing here, but I... er... I've seen things... And, nobody is too fat or too skinny for sex... Nobody. :)

I think he genuinely cares about you, but it came out the wrong way. People we love and people who love us say hurtful things sometimes. That's just the reality of relationships. :)

berryblondeboys
07-03-2011, 09:33 PM
It's very easy to take someone's words out of context, especially when we hear only one side of the story. We don't know what you say to him and how you say it. I'm not accusing you of provoking him, or assuming that you say equally inapropriate things to him, or any of that. I'm just saying that without hearing both sides, we have to guess and make assumptions and try to take possible biases into account. Maybe he's a jerk. Maybe you're a jerk. Maybe both or either of you hurt each other a lot. I don't know enough about your situation to even guess at which of those may or may not be true.

Although I have a masters degree in psychology, I've never been a marriage or relationship counselor, but I've been in a position to mediate conflicts when I was a probation officer and in other areas of social work. And often the two sides of a story don't match up. Both people believe they're telling the "whole truth," but they only see the situation from their own side (and it's impossible to see it from another person's side even when we try).

I know in my own relationship, there have been times that If I were to tell other people what my husband said, they would say "dump him, he's a son of a b****." And likewise my husband could tell his friends what I said in the same argument and they would tell him "dump her, she's a *****."

I don't think what he said is nearly as important as what you've said. If your fiance treats you in a way that you cannot be happy with, maybe you do need to leave him. Notice though I didn't say "in a way that makes you unhappy." Because no one can make you happy. It isn't possible. Happiness is a choice you make for yourself. Sure there are situations that are not conducive to that choice, and you've got to decide what to do about it. If he can't be someone you can be happy with, you've got to take that understanding and do something about it. Whether that's leaving, couples counseling, or something else, I can't say. Your life, your choice.

But assigning someone the task and responsibility of making you happy isn't going to work. It can't, because your fiance has virtually no control over your happiness (he has a little bit of input, but ultimately it's your responsibility, not his).

Depression does make happiness difficult, so make sure that you're getting help for the depression. Medications can be very helpful, but it still takes serious mental work. It still takes recognizing that you have a choice in the matter.

You have made comments that suggest you have a tendency to blame the situation or other people for what is happening inside your head. I understand that. I grew up in a household with parents and grandparents who blamed others for their sitation. When they were unhappy, it was always someone else's fault. Sometimes they lay the blame at us kids - if we were better behaved their lives wouldn't be so miserable.

Even as a kid, I suspected that they were choosing to be unhappy or at the very least it wasn't really anyone's fault - because no matter how hard I tried to make them happy, it rarely worked. When I did feel like I succeeded in making them happy, it never lasted nearly as long as the misery.

Living in that did shape my experiences and my own personality. I do sometimes tend to blame my husband for my own choices. He was raised in a similar household, so he does the same thing. We're both people pleasers by nature. Hubby's a white knight who wants to solve everyone's problems. I tend to put everyone's needs before my own, and then resent them all for not appreciating it or returning the favor (and I keep my resentment to myself until it boils over).

But in the light of day. When I'm being reasonable me, I realize that only I can make me do things, including being happy. I have to know myself enough to choose happiness.

Choosing happiness can mean removing someone from your life, but what it almost never means is changing someone. People can change, but usually the changes are subtle not complete personality-transplants. I've changed tremendously, but it's all been a lot of work, and I still have to fight the impulse to blame others (just because my auto-pilot reflects the environment I was raised in. When I'm thinking I know this, but when I'm reacting, I forget).

I think your relationship with your fiancee needs work (by both of you), but so does your relationship with yourself.

I think counseling would help a lot (and not because I think you're crazy). I think most people would benefit from having gone through some kind of counseling. It's nice just having an objective ear who you know isn't going to gossip about you all over town or make the conversation all about him/her - someone who's heard it all before and isn't going to judge you, because he or she has seen and heard a lot worse.

I know counseling isn't always feasible, but if it's possible, I think you would find it helpful.

Yep, Yep, Yep, Yep and Yep.

Angie
07-03-2011, 09:41 PM
I think you've had some great advice here. Particularly from Nola Celeste and Kaplods.

On the lighter side, did you think about suggesting that perhaps it's not that your body is too big, but that his penis is too small for you guys to have sex comfortably? :cool:

kaplods
07-03-2011, 10:32 PM
If my husband told me it was my job to make him happy, I would tell him "if that's true, I quit."

I like doing nice things for him, and he likes doing nice things for me, but being responsible for each other's happiness, that's too big a job for any person. Especially when the expectation of mindreading comes into play.

If you're going to argue that we're obligated to do what makes our partner's happy, then I guess the OP would be obligated to make her husband happy by losing the weight (or are only men obligated to provide happiness to their partners).

I was raised in a family in which it was expected for the men to make the women happy (and sadly not the reverse), and unfortunately nothing the men did ever made the women happy.

In my extended family, there are families in which the reverse was true. The women were expected to make the men happy, and the men didn't have the same responsibility - and sadly the same was true that no effort on the part of the happiness provider was ever "enough."

No, I don't think that men or women are obligated to "make" their partner happy, because I don't think it's possible. Happiness is more often a choice you make, not a gift that anyone can give to you. Sure good relationships are built on both making the effort to make life better for their partner, but no one can "make" you happy, without your cooperation. If you're determined to be unhappy, nothing anyone can do will ever be good enough.

There's no doubt that OP's fiance said something hurtful, but is it worse than things she's said to him? There's no way to know that, so I give advice based on the premise that anything could be true. The fiance could be an A1 butthole and OP could be a saint. Or she could be a mean, horrible nag and he could be the mostly innocent victim. Or (and the most likely) they're both imperfect human beings who have said horrible things in the heat of anger, or just because they're human and didn't realize how they would sound.

You can't judge anyone by one statement, even if it's a super horrible one, especially when you haven't heard both sides of the conversation, from both sides.

Well you can of course, but it's likely to be a false judgement.

Mickey79sf
07-03-2011, 10:55 PM
it is my job to try and make my man happy in whatever lil ways i can and its his job to do the same for me. it shows him i appreciate him and vice versa. thats just the kind of woman i happen to be. i disagree with your post.. but thats the beauty of america. we can agree to disagree. happy forth!
mickey


If my husband told me it was my job to make him happy, I would tell him "if that's true, I quit."

I like doing nice things for him, and he likes doing nice things for me, but being responsible for each other's happiness, that's too big a job for any person. Especially when the expectation of mindreading comes into play.

If you're going to argue that we're obligated to do what makes our partner's happy, then I guess the OP would be obligated to make her husband happy by losing the weight (or are only men obligated to provide happiness to their partners).

I was raised in a family in which it was expected for the men to make the women happy (and sadly not the reverse), and unfortunately nothing the men did ever made the women happy.

In my extended family, there are families in which the reverse was true. The women were expected to make the men happy, and the men didn't have the same responsibility - and sadly the same was true that no effort on the part of the happiness provider was ever "enough."

No, I don't think that men or women are obligated to "make" their partner happy, because I don't think it's possible. Happiness is more often a choice you make, not a gift that anyone can give to you. Sure good relationships are built on both making the effort to make life better for their partner, but no one can "make" you happy, without your cooperation. If you're determined to be unhappy, nothing anyone can do will ever be good enough.

There's no doubt that OP's fiance said something hurtful, but is it worse than things she's said to him? There's no way to know that, so I give advice based on the premise that anything could be true. The fiance could be an A1 butthole and OP could be a saint. Or she could be a mean, horrible nag and he could be the mostly innocent victim. Or (and the most likely) they're both imperfect human beings who have said horrible things in the heat of anger, or just because they're human and didn't realize how they would sound.

You can't judge anyone by one statement, even if it's a super horrible one, especially when you haven't heard both sides of the conversation, from both sides.

Well you can of course, but it's likely to be a false judgement.

mzKiki
07-04-2011, 12:38 AM
What a horrible thing to have to go through. I can only imagine the devastation that you feel.
But I say try not to dwell on it. The guy lacks diplomacy I will say that, but it sounds like he is frustrated as well. You sound so sad honey. And I mean sad in general, not just about the comment he made.
If you're suffering from depression then you really HAVE to get some professional help, because depression doesn't just go away. You can lose 100 pounds and still feel just as down.
You have lost some weight, so you can definitely do it! But you have to work on the inside at the same time.
You have been given some great advice by the people who have responded before me & I hope that you have found some solace in their words.
It'll get better, it will, but you have to work at it.
Feel better hun.

Nola Celeste
07-04-2011, 12:58 AM
I could never see making my husband happy as my job. I prefer to look at it as something I choose to do--a little (or sometimes big) gift I'm giving him of my own free will. When I make him his favorite dish or watch the show he likes or do his laundry for him as a little surprise, it's not because I feel a sense of obligation, but because I love to see him smile. He does the same for me.

I suspect that we're all talking about the same thing, though; some of us say "job" and "duty" while others say "choice" and "gift," but what it all boils down to is that happy relationships require some give and take. We can't say what PHG's overall relationship is like; we don't know who's doing more giving and who's doing more taking.

What we DO know, by her own admission, is that her weight is causing relationship strife. I think the advice to seek counseling is very sound. That may shed some light on things regardless of who has done what and to whom.

kaplods
07-04-2011, 01:19 AM
Another issue here, which I think is really important, is the possibility of clinical depression. When you're clinically depressed, choosing happiness is beyond your control, and beyond anyone elses either. If you can't make yourself happy, no one else is going to be able to do it for you.

And that's my problem with assigning the task of my happiness to anyone else. No one can make me happy if I'm unable to choose happiness for myself. My husband could buy me everything I ever dreamed of wanting, he could do every thing for me I could ever imagine, and I still won't be happy if my brain chemistry is off because of clinical depression, or if I do not choose happiness. He can help me be happy, and I can help him be happy, but we can't MAKE each other happy. Happiness is something you have to choose and allow to happen - and when clinical depression is going on, that choice is taken away from you by biochemistry. Counseling will help determine whether OP's unhappiness is because she's living in a toxic relationship, or whether her biochemistry is preventing her from being happy.

My mother was an unhappy woman for most of her life - she blamed my father - her parents - her kids - unfriendly neighbors - everyone outside of herself for her unhappiness. Everyone tried to make her happy, and failed. Eventually everyone (including my father who loves her dearly) stopped trying, because they never were successful.

I begged her to consider an antidepressant, if not counseling (both to her meant she was crazy). For 25 years she refused, and for more than 40 years she was miserable. Then my youngest sister (the only person in the family my mother admires, even a little bit) went to counseling and was prescribed an antidepressant. The change in my sister's happiness inspired my mother to finally talk to her doctor about medications and counseling. She hasn't yet sought counseling (and I may never convince her to), but the change in her mood and outlook at life since she's been on medication has dramatically changed for the better (to the point she seems like a woman I've never met, certainly not my mother). She's feeling better and has more interest in life and has stopped seeing her life as being ruined by everyone around her. The medication has opened her heart to the possibility of happiness.

I don't know that this is OP's situation, and whether it is or isn't, counseling is the best way to find out. If OP's fiance is a super toxic jacka**, able to singlehandedly ruin almost anyone's life, then counseling is going to bring that out too.

The point isn't who is to blame (that doesn't usually help the situation, even when there clearly is a person to blame), it's finding a way to get a decent quality of life for the both of you. Hopefully that's together, but if it's not, better to find that out too.

astrophe
07-04-2011, 01:23 AM
Haven't heard from you Port, so I hope you are doing ok and feeling a bit better. :hug:

I hope you and fiancee talked it out and reached a new understanding.

The problems you describe in this thread and others -- depression, body image, emotional eating, stress, sex life problems, etc. -- that's a lot!

You have to cope with these issues with or without the fiancee. Whether you continue the relationship or not those other things are still on the table.

I certainly hope he can be a part of your support team, but that's the point I was trying to make originally. He CANNOT be your everything guy here. He's only one guy and he's got his limits. Treating mental health stuff like depression or body image... that's probably not in his job skills. He can try to be supportive, but he can't magically wish it away for you even if he wanted to. Since you asked... I think you guys could use a third party to help.

Try your best to seek out counseling and get more people on your team to help you through this, ok?

GL!
A.

Looking4Me2011
07-04-2011, 01:33 AM
[QUOTE=sniperhil;3918784]Mickey79sf


Wow. Some of you other people have got it all wrong. This man is not just some random guy on the street. This is her fiancee. Someone she has to live with and be married to. Tough love, my @$$. You don't even know her. Or him. She's looking for support, not "well you asked, and it may not have been what you wanted to hear...". you think she doesn't know that?!


I gotta agree with sniperhil. I think he could have at least put a little tact in his response. I know in my situation whenever I say something depressing about my weight, my husband will say, "well if you don't like it, do something about it." But he's absolutely correct and he is never nasty when he says it. He's very sweet and gentle about it. No one can change it but me. And no one can change it but you, but do NOT do it for a man. Do it for yourself. Do it only because you're ready to feel better about yourself. My mom always told me, "you cannot change someone until they are ready to change themselves" and this holds true for soooo many things.

First, learn to love yourself. Only then will you find the strength to say, "this is for ME." You can do it. Absolutely you can do it.

Feel free to buddy me if ya ever need someone to chat with :) Hang in there. We're all pulling for ya! :carrot:

SunnyJee
07-04-2011, 02:01 AM
Hmm, something that made me pause to think:

What if you were with someone that you loved, and they started to gain weight, then continued to gain weight...
What if your attraction to them physically was dwindling, and you still loved them, and throughout the relationship, they never lost the weight (or kept gaining)...?

Where is the line? IS there a line?

Must love be unconditional, and if you commit to your partner, then that's it, even though there may never be a reconciliation of the conflict (eg. the person ever losing the weight)?

I've been reading this thread, and see both sides of it, but for me, if I was with a partner whom kept gaining weight, and couldn't (or wouldn't) lose the weight, what would I do? Would my love for them end up hurting me by binding me to them and not feeling the physical pull that they once had on me? Would I be able to see beyond the weight and still keep the physical attraction?

This is a question that I truly pose to the OP, and everyone else.
I know there is more to love than physical attraction. And so, what would YOU accept in your partner for the weight gain? If they kept gaining...do you think you would EVER leave? If the conversations were had (over and over again), and they wanted to lose the weight, and still didn't.... What would you do?

I think for myself...there would have to be a line where I wouldn't be able to stay. Does that mean that my love is conditional? I don't know, but I feel in my heart that I am a good person, and so this makes me sad to admit...

jendiet
07-04-2011, 02:21 AM
That is a really hard thing to hear.

It actually sounds like he cares about you and is very concerned for your health and happiness, though. Sort of like if you were watching him with a gambling or alcohol problem... you have to say something. The way he framed it sounds like concern, not vanity.

You can break the habit/cycle by doing something *different* when you are unhappy. Find other ways to cope. It is hard but you can do it!

This. He did seem concerned about your health. I also think he was being honest. Sometimes when our loved ones can't shake us any other way---they hit us where they know it will hurt. It did hurt, but will it motivate you?

kaplods
07-04-2011, 03:31 AM
I think for myself...there would have to be a line where I wouldn't be able to stay. Does that mean that my love is conditional? I don't know, but I feel in my heart that I am a good person, and so this makes me sad to admit...

I think "my line" is very loosely drawn, but I do think there is one. Not only related to obesity, but other issues as well. And I know it's true for my husband too. And sometimes hitting below the belt is even necessary (or at least it seems so in the moment).

I went through a phase where I was so physically incapacitated that I was not able to bathe as often as necessary. I was even afraid of bathing, because getting in and out of the shower didn't feel safe. I was afraid of falling. My husband had to tell me that my bathing issues were starting to affect HIM. Not a fun conversation, but necessary.

Should he have kept his mouth shut and just left me (or waited patiently and silently for me to die?)

We married at our highest weights, me just under, and he just over 400 lbs. If either of us had gained another 100 lbs, I'm pretty sure we'd still be together, still trying to work it out (though I probably would be bed-bound or dead). But what if either one of us, instead of losing 80-90 lbs, one of us had gained 600 more. At 1000 lbs would it be ok to mention that sex was getting rough?

My husband and I have both talked about how our weights and weight loss (and our other health issues) have affected our sex lives (both positively and negatively). My husband has admitted that having to be in the caretaker role had made it more difficult for him to switch into sexual partner mode. As a psychologist, I understand this. As a woman, it sucks. We have to work at our sex life, it doesn't come naturally. We've had to be brutally honest at times, because the alternative would have been no sex life, and I think that would have destroyed our marriage (I'm not sure if I need sexual intercourse in my marriage, but I do need shared sexuality). And if something comes between my husband and I, I'm willing to hurt his feelings and mine to resolve the issue.

I had to tell my husband that he HAD to get his bad tooth fixed, because I found it unpleasant to kiss him (I tried persuading him to do it for HIS health, but that didn't work, so I had to be honest in hopes he would deal with it). Saying so hurt his feelings tremendously, but the alternative would have been to remain silent, and become more and more turned off by my husband every time he kissed me (a rotted tooth smells like death, and it's hard to be turned on by someone who smells bad - my husband had to tell ME that and I had to return the "favor" and tell him the same). Both times it sucked for both of us, but losing the marriage or at least our attraction for each other within the marriage would have sucked far worse.

Knowing when it's appropriate to criticise and when it crosses the line of decency isn't always easy to determine. We can all only do the best we can. I can't say that OP's fiance did the best he could, but I can't say he didn't, either. Only OP would have a clue. Is this a guy who always criticises on every detail or is he someone who holds his tongue until he can't hold it in any longer and out of frustration rants and rages and says nasty things (I've been on both ends of of the frustration rant, not fun either way).

I have sympathy for OP and for her fiance, because my husband and I have each been on both sides. We're committed to staying together, but we can't guarantee that we're split-proof either. We only hope so, and work at making it so. There are things he could do that would be dealbreakers (dealing drugs, hitting me, and possibly infidelity or gaining 1000 lbs. I can't say for sure on the possible dealbreakers). I'm sure there are dealbreakers for him. I know I couldn't help take care of him if he gained 1000 lbs. If he gains 200 lbs I think it would be pretty rough. Sex is difficult at our current weights, it would be nearly impossible 100 lbs from now (even though it's the weight we met at, we have health problems now that we didn't have then). How much could either of us tolerate without telling the other that sex was becoming uncomfortable physically AND mentally - probably not much, because we've always been open about our feelings, even the negative and shameful ones we wish we didn't feel, but do anyway.

I think all of us can only give advice based on our own experiences, and that OP will have to read them all and decide which apply most to her own situation. Is this a dealbreaker or not? If it is, that's ok. If it's not, that's ok too, but decide based on what is best for each individual in the family and for the marriage and family unit itself. It's not always easy to sort out, and it's impossible for strangers on an anonymous forum.

Porthardygurl
07-04-2011, 03:42 AM
Ok so i need to clear a few things up here..to help give some insight to those with questions or thoughts..

1) Whoever said it had to do with him having a small penis...um..thats wrong..its got nothing to do with his penis being too small.

2) For those who have a deep pyscological point of view and say we should do counselling---we are..we go once a week.

3) For those who say i have depression or "clinical depression"...I saw a therapist--he doesnt believe so..so why should i think i do?

4) For those who knew me to have Post Partum Depression..yes i suffered from it..treated it with anti-depressents and no longer take them anymore because ive finally been cleared to stop taking them.

5) For those who say "Well..you asked him..." You obviously need to read my post again... I said " I asked him one time" and that was A FEW MONTHS AGO... I clearly asked him if my weight was causing an attraction issue or causing any challenges in our relationship to which he said NO...! When he told me just the other day that I was too big to make love and too fat..I DID NOT ASK HIM FOR HIS OPINION OR ASK ANY LEADING QUESTIONS REGARDING SEX CHALLENGES. I merely asked him why it was that we werent having sex as often.. He is aware just as i am aware that i am trying really hard to work on my weight problem...I am actively seeking help for it and ive just started..its not like its been a week yet so how can i lose 100 pounds in a week.. i cant.. Which means that yes.. i am big..and yes im bigger than i was when he first met me..

To those of you who said "it must have hurt"...yah..its caused a lot of pain for me to hear what he said.. To the point now..where i wont let him touch me and i wont let him see me naked and i wont even eat in front of him.. I feel as if i have lost the feelings of acceptance that i once had from him. I feel like i have lost my security and i feel like i have lost the feeling of being loved by him for who i am as a person. I feel scrutinized by him now and i feel like im not good enough..And this has hurt me to the point where i cant think of even being intimate with him right now because all i can think of is 1) What if in his head he is thinking "eww grose an ugly fat person" and 2) How do i protect myself so he cant hurt me again the way he has..cause it was emtionally damaging for me..Ive dealt with many many people being horribly mean to me growing up and i have had many people judge me and i suffered from eating disorders when i was younger for years and for the man that i love with all my heart to turn around and say what he said...it hurt more than many of the things i have heard..and i say it hurts more..because i love him more than i have ever loved another and my trust was placed in him..

So yes.. he was insensetive beyond words..and yes he said something hurtful and to date..he has said sorry and has apologized to me profusly because he claims he did not mean to say it how it came out..But for me..even though i forgive him..the hurt is still there..and i think its going to take time to get through this..because for me..its like being re-traumatized all over again from when i was younger..And its going to take to trust him again..because a few months ago..he lied and said that my weight wasnt the issue..and now he claims it is..so there is a trust issue..and im honestly not sure when im going to feel comfortable making love again..because how do i let go of what he said when im in that position of trying to be intimate? So..thats where im at right now..Im trying to recover from it...

To all those who have given your support and your empathy..thank you..and for those who tell me to toughen up...well..i will take that advice too..when i can deal with the hurt ..

Mickey79sf
07-04-2011, 06:31 AM
First :hug: and second im glad to hear from you again. :D i think you know how i feel about the situation lol if you need some one to talk to pm me and we can exchange numbers if you like.. we r both kinda sitting in the same boat. both with baby girls and fiances :) im here for you.
Mickey



Ok so i need to clear a few things up here..to help give some insight to those with questions or thoughts..

1) Whoever said it had to do with him having a small penis...um..thats wrong..its got nothing to do with his penis being too small.

2) For those who have a deep pyscological point of view and say we should do counselling---we are..we go once a week.

3) For those who say i have depression or "clinical depression"...I saw a therapist--he doesnt believe so..so why should i think i do?

4) For those who knew me to have Post Partum Depression..yes i suffered from it..treated it with anti-depressents and no longer take them anymore because ive finally been cleared to stop taking them.

5) For those who say "Well..you asked him..." You obviously need to read my post again... I said " I asked him one time" and that was A FEW MONTHS AGO... I clearly asked him if my weight was causing an attraction issue or causing any challenges in our relationship to which he said NO...! When he told me just the other day that I was too big to make love and too fat..I DID NOT ASK HIM FOR HIS OPINION OR ASK ANY LEADING QUESTIONS REGARDING SEX CHALLENGES. I merely asked him why it was that we werent having sex as often.. He is aware just as i am aware that i am trying really hard to work on my weight problem...I am actively seeking help for it and ive just started..its not like its been a week yet so how can i lose 100 pounds in a week.. i cant.. Which means that yes.. i am big..and yes im bigger than i was when he first met me..

To those of you who said "it must have hurt"...yah..its caused a lot of pain for me to hear what he said.. To the point now..where i wont let him touch me and i wont let him see me naked and i wont even eat in front of him.. I feel as if i have lost the feelings of acceptance that i once had from him. I feel like i have lost my security and i feel like i have lost the feeling of being loved by him for who i am as a person. I feel scrutinized by him now and i feel like im not good enough..And this has hurt me to the point where i cant think of even being intimate with him right now because all i can think of is 1) What if in his head he is thinking "eww grose an ugly fat person" and 2) How do i protect myself so he cant hurt me again the way he has..cause it was emtionally damaging for me..Ive dealt with many many people being horribly mean to me growing up and i have had many people judge me and i suffered from eating disorders when i was younger for years and for the man that i love with all my heart to turn around and say what he said...it hurt more than many of the things i have heard..and i say it hurts more..because i love him more than i have ever loved another and my trust was placed in him..

So yes.. he was insensetive beyond words..and yes he said something hurtful and to date..he has said sorry and has apologized to me profusly because he claims he did not mean to say it how it came out..But for me..even though i forgive him..the hurt is still there..and i think its going to take time to get through this..because for me..its like being re-traumatized all over again from when i was younger..And its going to take to trust him again..because a few months ago..he lied and said that my weight wasnt the issue..and now he claims it is..so there is a trust issue..and im honestly not sure when im going to feel comfortable making love again..because how do i let go of what he said when im in that position of trying to be intimate? So..thats where im at right now..Im trying to recover from it...

To all those who have given your support and your empathy..thank you..and for those who tell me to toughen up...well..i will take that advice too..when i can deal with the hurt ..

sacha
07-04-2011, 09:47 AM
I DID NOT ASK HIM FOR HIS OPINION OR ASK ANY LEADING QUESTIONS REGARDING SEX CHALLENGES. I merely asked him why it was that we werent having sex as often..

And its going to take to trust him again..because a few months ago..he lied and said that my weight wasnt the issue..and now he claims it is..so there is a trust issue..and im honestly not sure when im going to feel comfortable making love again..because how do i let go of what he said when im in that position of trying to be intimate? So..thats where im at right now..Im trying to recover from it...


PHG, nice to see you back. Hope you have been doing better these past few days. I think your fiance is probably a good person, but from what you write above, I see some contradiction.

If he tells you the truth, you are angry. If he doesn't tell you the truth, he's a liar and you can't trust him. I think he is backed into a corner and nothing that he can say or do is right.

Is there anything he can say or do in that situation that is right? Because I'm not sure he can.

noregrets4me
07-04-2011, 11:01 AM
Man, my guy has said terrible things to me, and Ive said even worse things to him. Then we go to separate rooms, think things over, and talk to each other about what we said and how can we resolve the issue at hand. I have felt horrible about things I've said. But we both know we love each other and we both understand that our relationship is something that we are committd to and have to work at all the time. Relationships are not like rowboat rides on a quite lake -sometimes they are like riding a dingy in a stormy sea. You've got to hang on tight. I'm glad you're both in counseling.

When Jim and I argue, sometimes I think that's it, I'm done, I'm out of here. But then I calm down and think things thru. I'd be miserable without this guy. Because even though we argue, we care for each other deeply. Sometimes I'm right, sometimes I'm wrong. Sometimes I apologize and sometimes its him.

Your guy has apologized and acknowledged he was insensitive. I don't think he lied to you a few weeks ago when he said no when you asked the question - he probably didn't want to hurt your feelings. But apparently it was on his mind. You guys have to keep talking. Be calm and be honest with him. Does he do anything to try to help you on your program? Have you asked him for help? You feel betrayed by him -- does he feel betrayed by you? Not talking about it, not eating in front of him, not wanting to be intimate -- that will definitely lead to more problems.

To be in a successful relationship both parties have to give and take. Look at the big picture, not this one incident. What are the good things; what are the bad things. Do the good outweigh the bad? Are you generally happy with each other? Don't believe that dumb saying "Love means never having to say you're sorry" .... Both parties eat crow sometimes -that's life.

I hope you both continue to work together and dont give up on each other!

Mary

astrophe
07-04-2011, 02:40 PM
Glad you are back, Port. Also glad to hear you are already in counseling. Maybe at your next appt you can bring some of this stuff up?

I'm sorry you are hurting, but I am glad you already have another person on your team to help sort things out.

GL!
A.

dragonwoman64
07-04-2011, 03:09 PM
.But for me..even though i forgive him..the hurt is still there..and i think its going to take time to get through this..because for me..its like being re-traumatized all over again from when i was younger..And its going to take to trust him again..because a few months ago..he lied and said that my weight wasnt the issue..and now he claims it is..so there is a trust issue..and im honestly not sure when im going to feel comfortable making love again..because how do i let go of what he said when im in that position of trying to be intimate? So..thats where im at right now..Im trying to recover from it...


not to beat this into the ground if you feel like you've shared enough about it...but a couple of thoughts. I think it's good you have the insight that part of your reaction is fueled by childhood experiences. Obviously you're sensitive (as most if not all of us are) about your weight and your SO's reaction to it. Saying that, you might consider that he probably is very unsure how to approach you about these issues -- and so it's may be less of a matter of his "lying" in that light. I think you might have to teach him to some extent the safe (meaning most productive in the context of your relationship) ways for him to talk to you about it.

good luck!!

MaryB75
07-04-2011, 03:30 PM
Ok so i need to clear a few things up here..to help give some insight to those with questions or thoughts..

1) Whoever said it had to do with him having a small penis...um..thats wrong..its got nothing to do with his penis being too small.

2) For those who have a deep pyscological point of view and say we should do counselling---we are..we go once a week.

3) For those who say i have depression or "clinical depression"...I saw a therapist--he doesnt believe so..so why should i think i do?

4) For those who knew me to have Post Partum Depression..yes i suffered from it..treated it with anti-depressents and no longer take them anymore because ive finally been cleared to stop taking them.

5) For those who say "Well..you asked him..." You obviously need to read my post again... I said " I asked him one time" and that was A FEW MONTHS AGO... I clearly asked him if my weight was causing an attraction issue or causing any challenges in our relationship to which he said NO...! When he told me just the other day that I was too big to make love and too fat..I DID NOT ASK HIM FOR HIS OPINION OR ASK ANY LEADING QUESTIONS REGARDING SEX CHALLENGES. I merely asked him why it was that we werent having sex as often.. He is aware just as i am aware that i am trying really hard to work on my weight problem...I am actively seeking help for it and ive just started..its not like its been a week yet so how can i lose 100 pounds in a week.. i cant.. Which means that yes.. i am big..and yes im bigger than i was when he first met me..

To those of you who said "it must have hurt"...yah..its caused a lot of pain for me to hear what he said.. To the point now..where i wont let him touch me and i wont let him see me naked and i wont even eat in front of him.. I feel as if i have lost the feelings of acceptance that i once had from him. I feel like i have lost my security and i feel like i have lost the feeling of being loved by him for who i am as a person. I feel scrutinized by him now and i feel like im not good enough..And this has hurt me to the point where i cant think of even being intimate with him right now because all i can think of is 1) What if in his head he is thinking "eww grose an ugly fat person" and 2) How do i protect myself so he cant hurt me again the way he has..cause it was emtionally damaging for me..Ive dealt with many many people being horribly mean to me growing up and i have had many people judge me and i suffered from eating disorders when i was younger for years and for the man that i love with all my heart to turn around and say what he said...it hurt more than many of the things i have heard..and i say it hurts more..because i love him more than i have ever loved another and my trust was placed in him..

So yes.. he was insensetive beyond words..and yes he said something hurtful and to date..he has said sorry and has apologized to me profusly because he claims he did not mean to say it how it came out..But for me..even though i forgive him..the hurt is still there..and i think its going to take time to get through this..because for me..its like being re-traumatized all over again from when i was younger..And its going to take to trust him again..because a few months ago..he lied and said that my weight wasnt the issue..and now he claims it is..so there is a trust issue..and im honestly not sure when im going to feel comfortable making love again..because how do i let go of what he said when im in that position of trying to be intimate? So..thats where im at right now..Im trying to recover from it...

To all those who have given your support and your empathy..thank you..and for those who tell me to toughen up...well..i will take that advice too..when i can deal with the hurt ..

I have stayed out of this conversation because I knew what I had to say would not be appreciated but I have been keeping up with it. Now I feel like I have to say what I think. I agree with everyone that says that you asked him and he was being honest. As far as the things you said in # 5 I have to disagree. First you say that you asked him months ago if your weight was a problem. I went back just now to be sure and in your first post you said that question was this week. Which I take to mean the same week the conversation came up in which he said those things.

Second I consider you asking him why you aren't having sex so often a leading question. If it is because of a weight issue then it only sounds like he answered the question honestly. Maybe he regretted not being honest the first time you aske him earlier in the week and was grateful for the chance to be honest withou having to bring it up himself.

It does sound like he cares about you and said those things because you asked him about his feelings.

Porthardygurl
07-04-2011, 04:17 PM
I dont deny that he doesnt care for me cause i know he does and we did have a chance to talk some more last night. He said his expectation for me is that i would lose some weight..cause he notices it most around my mid-section.. and i said "well my expectation then, is that we have sex more often". I think its fair that if he can have an expectation for me to be healthy and lose weight then i think its just as fair for me to have an expectation to have a healthy sexual relationship.

For those of you who thought i was crazy for not wanting to ever have sex again..as part of trying to get past it..we did try last night..It was difficult and not without reservation.. We tried..and well..point blank..it sucked..cause i couldnt get out of my head what he said.. i just feel so self-conscious. But as of today.. im holding up my end of the agreement and am trying really hard to stay on plan and lose weight.

lucyford
07-04-2011, 04:30 PM
I remember your posts from the spring and I seem to remember you wanting to withhold sex from him? I'm glad to see you guys are in counseling.

In Feb you posted "So... ive been really frustrated and discouraged with my fiancee. Ive been wanting to buy a treadmill for a long time. He promised me that we could buy one after i was done being pregnant but he never ended up buying one. Then we coudnt buy one because we didnt have the money. Now he has an opportunity to get a loan from the bank to buy one and im willing to settle for one not as high quality as i wanted so that it can be lowered price..but he tells me just to save up for it..Well that would be nice except i clothe my daughters back and i buy some of the groceries oh and should i say that i only have about 200 something dollars a month because thats how much i get from the government while he goes to work and makes a good sum of money and yes he does work full time but i cant work full time because i have to stay home with are girl, so i rely on him to help me buy things that i want. So far..he has invested in a nice 2010 jeep patriot and a new electric fireplace which looks gorgeous and he's getting a new phone and then the next item will be a couple G's computer for himself becaue he broke his other one..But he wont help me buy a treadmill even though i offered to pay monthly installments so that its basically me paying it off 100$ a month at a time..But he wont..So i told him..No intimacy in the bedroom until i lose 5 pounds..And for every 5 pounds i lose, we can have a night in the bedroom together..Well right now, weight loss is about 2 pounds a week..so that means once every few weeks we can be intimate..He asked why i was doing this..and i said to him "Just so you can understand the desperation that i have about losing weight. You can feel that desperation and that need that i have for a treadmill in our house"..because we have a crappy gym up here and its too rainy to go walking and i cant run outside..Do you think its too harsh to give him a taste of his own medecine? Cause i feel like he doesnt see my need..His claim is that its a lot of money..and my thing is that its my health at stake and i rely on him to provide things for me and my daughter..and my health is more at stake than anything..."

Angie
07-04-2011, 04:31 PM
1) Whoever said it had to do with him having a small penis...um..thats wrong..its got nothing to do with his penis being too small.


That was me...sorry if I offended you. It was meant to be a lighthearted jab back at him.

luciddepths
07-04-2011, 05:41 PM
Yes what he said was a bit harsh but you did ask! I think to you either way he would be in the dog house.

I understand needing to hear him support you and show it to you, that is understandable but if you are expecting that, best start expecting honesty.

You're best bet might be to not ask him about weight...or bring it up. Maybe ask him to go for walks with you and your daughter. Get him involved that way. But it's a personal journey and you can't expect him to know/understand it in the same way you do.

I agree with alot of the ladies who posted on here, take ownership of your weight and do it for you!

Also should a man love you through thick and thin? Yes, but expect him to find you attractive 100lbs over weight? No, no one should expect that. (just a general statement not directed at ANY one)

kaplods
07-04-2011, 07:08 PM
You've both used sex as a weapon and a means to control the other. You talked of giving your husband a taste of his own medicine by withholding something he wants (sex), because you wanted a treadmill that you and he probably can't afford (you've also talked about how tight your food budget is. I know you wanted the treadmill, but healthy, wholesome food needs to be a higher priority than exercise equipment or a fireplace for that matter). Perhaps a credit counselor would be as much help as a couple's counselor (and I don't mean that flippantly. Credit counseling helped my husband and I tremendously! It was too late to prevent a bankruptcy, but we're now in much better shape, even though our income is 1/3 what it was before the bankruptcy. We've learned to live on a lot less, moreso than I ever thought possible).

It kind of sounds like he may be trying to give you the same taste of the medicine you gave him over the treadmill. Which I suppose makes it your turn to strike back. But one of you has to be the first to call a truce, or you're going to keep poking at each other's soft spots, probably getting more and more vicious, fighting dirtier and dirtier, because these things tend to escalate if nothing changes for the better.

Neither of you deserve that.

noregrets4me
07-04-2011, 07:44 PM
Being a stay at home Mom involves a lot of sacrifices .... any possibility of you getting a part time job? It would be good for a few reasons -- get you out of the house and with others, which is a plus, and gives you some money that you can use. When I was younger (so many years ago :)) I found an excellent day-care for my daughter so I could work fulll-time. It was great for my daughter so she could be with other children to play with and learn with, and I could earn a living. My husband was disabled and could not work or babysit.

Keep talking to each other - and neither of you should use sex as a weapon (IMHO) -- nothing good will come of it. :(

Mary

KrazyBeautifulMe
07-04-2011, 08:19 PM
I, too, have a husband who is very truthful. If i ask him something, he will def give me an honest answer... so i know how you feel, bc i have had the same issues as far as not feeling up to par so to speak in the intimate areas...
my advice to you: if you dont feel sexy, change it.
thats what i had to tell myself (my hubby tells me too when i complain about myself. altho he loves me how i am, i know. . .)

we're all here for you! :)

JohnP
07-04-2011, 10:21 PM
In my opinion

A) If you're not having sex now before you're married and sexual intimacy is important to one or both of you than I fail to see how the relationship can survive. Being married won't make anything easier. Maybe I am misunderstanding what you're saying ... I don't understand why you're not being intimate now with a person you're in love with enough to marry?

B) Many people who take action and change their lives do so because of one catalyzing moment. I suggest you use this moment to change yours.

ADL
07-05-2011, 01:36 AM
I have a similar issue. My husband doesn't think i'm too heavy but I feel so unattractive because of my weight that my sex life is suffering. To help I decided to actually have more sex. You see, exercise increases my libido which makes me want to have more sex and feeling sexy makes me want to eat less. Maybe trying to push through this rut to have more sex would increase your resolve to diet. I'm sure your fiancee would be willing to agree to that goal.

amfay11
07-05-2011, 02:09 AM
well my hubs only made one reference to my weight back when i started... it was our first night alone without our daughter (she was 8 months) and i put on some music and tried to do a sexy dance for him and yea, i had some jiggle... he smiled and i asked what was so funny and he said "gym membership" I immediately shut off the music and went to bed and cried myself to sleep. The next day he apologized profusely about what he said and that he'll join with me at the gym and be my support... Men don't often censor themselves and most don't realize it hurts. Ive been there and hugs to you for his words.
All you can do now is try to move past it and try to use his words as fuel to lite the fire inside you to start being healthy and taking care of yourself. :) HUGS! <3

kaplods
07-05-2011, 02:52 AM
well my hubs only made one reference to my weight back when i started... it was our first night alone without our daughter (she was 8 months) and i put on some music and tried to do a sexy dance for him and yea, i had some jiggle... he smiled and i asked what was so funny and he said "gym membership" I immediately shut off the music and went to bed and cried myself to sleep.

It's funny how very similar situations can be interpreted so differently. One day my husband and I came home from a walk, and I was very tired and sweaty when we came home, so I went into our bedroom to change. I stripped out of my clothes before removing my shoes (can't even say why, usually I remove my shoes first), and hubby came into the bedroom as I was standing there, buck-a** naked except for my socks and New Balance walking shoes. He burst out laughing and said, "Now that's a SEXY look," with a tone of voice that I strongly suspect was sarcasm, but there was a twinkle in his eye, and instead of getting angry, I started laughing too and did a little "dance" for him naked. We laughed so hard, and it lead to amazing (well, you get the idea).

We both know we're funny looking naked. We both know that sex can be difficult and with our health issues, it can even a comedy of errors, but we take it in stride, because we love each other enough to see the humor in our situation.

The naked in tennis shoes has become our private joke. Instead of lingerie, the naked in tennis shoes is still the fastest way to get hubby interested in sex (even though I have no illusions that it is my stunning attractiveness in said state of dress, that is sexy). It's the shared joke that's sexy, not 300 lbs (or nearly 400 lbs the first time) of naked flesh, cotton crewsocks and a pair of worn cross-trainers.

"Should I put on my running shoes tonight," has become one of my ways to suggest sex.

My husband says I'm the least feminine woman he knows (I did almost get mad at him for that one). He meant it as a compliment, so I took it as one. He went on to explain that I don't think like most women he's met, and that I wasn't as "crazy" and hard to understand (in other words, I think more like guy - which I have to say is sort of true. I tend to be more straight-forward, and I hate coy games and talking around a subject rather than dealing with it head on).

Of course I teased hubby back that it must mean he must have homosexual tendencies to have fallen in love with such a masculine woman (and he said joking back that it could explain all the same-sex passes he's gotten at the bar).

I don't know if we're freaks because we don't offend each other easily, or if we're just secure enough in our relationship that we choose not to see negativity. (Well, with the exception of during TOM. I'm a completely unreasonable b**** three or four days a month, and hubby has to remind me "If I say something that can be taken be taken two ways, please assume I meant the "good way." And except for those three days a month, I do.

Porthardygurl
07-05-2011, 06:37 AM
Lol that hilarious..

Yes i admit to witholding sex back in last February..but i certainly have not done it for a long time..In fact.. i gave up said thoughts on treadmill and switched over to focussing on diet.. and to the person who suggested a part time job.. i did get one ..in the evening..which has caused a lack sex life but has given me more zest for life..cause i connect with other people besides my own daugher and hunny..

I guess..we just have to have forgivennes for the other person in our lives when they are quick to say something without being sensetive to our feelings..its true..men speak a different language than women..

serendipity907
07-05-2011, 07:05 AM
"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent." -Eleanor Roosevelt

It sounds like the main issue is you have very low self esteem. I know how hard it can be to grow up with positive self esteem when you are called names as a child, they can cause so much pain. But you are not a child anymore, you're a grown woman and you really have to decide you're not going to let past times spoil your quality of life anymore.

I've always been incredibly sensitive to weight jibes and had extremely poor self esteem. It's only in the last 6 months, through counselling, that I've started feeling like I'm worth something. I have stopped apologising all the time for "not being enough".

We all like our partners/family/friends complimenting us but you don't *need* anyone else to tell you that you're smart/beautiful/kind etc. You have to really know it yourself, and know you're worth peoples time, you're worth being healthy, you deserve a great life. If you don't, you'll never really believe anyone else when they tell you.
In my opinion, the only way to really 'protect' yourself from other peoples hurtful words, is to love and accept yourself just for who you are right now.

I think Kaplods made an excellent point to, injecting a little humour into situations which could otherwise be not so great is helpful, sometimes we take ourselves a little too seriously.

It's also worth saying sometimes you need to try a few different counsellors to find one you really connect with.

noregrets4me
07-05-2011, 07:14 AM
PHG I am so glad things are going better for you. I thought the part-time job would help because it gets you out and with other people. I don't work now because I'm disabled. I ruined my health because of my obesity. On one hand I love not going to work everyday - but I definitely miss being with other people - it can be depressing at times and I have to push myself to get out into the world.

Hopefully you and your fiance will continue to work things out. Make sure the two of you have "special time" (and I don't mean sex time) so you can relax together and enjoy each others company. I have a daughter who lives with her boyfriend and they have a one year old daughter. They have a lot of stress, but I tell her how important it is to have a date night every 3-4 weeks to lift their spirits.

Good luck to you and your guy. :hug::hug:

Mary

Nebuchadnezzar
07-05-2011, 08:37 AM
So many people defending such a shallow person. ALL RIGHT he gets a little credit for being honest and upfront, but what he said was humiliating and debasing. Insensitive. SHALLOW.

He cares, he cares, he cares....he cares about how you look when you are f*cking? Excuse me, but very few people are too big to have sex with.

Just saying.

sniperhil
07-05-2011, 08:54 AM
originally posted by Nebuchadnezzar

So many people defending such a shallow person. ALL RIGHT he gets a little credit for being honest and upfront, but what he said was humiliating and debasing. Insensitive. SHALLOW.

He cares, he cares, he cares....he cares about how you look when you are f*cking? Excuse me, but very few people are too big to have sex with.



:cp:

MaryB75
07-05-2011, 09:10 AM
So many people defending such a shallow person. ALL RIGHT he gets a little credit for being honest and upfront, but what he said was humiliating and debasing. Insensitive. SHALLOW.

He cares, he cares, he cares....he cares about how you look when you are f*cking? Excuse me, but very few people are too big to have sex with.

Just saying.

He didn't say anything about her looks. He said her size makes it hard to have sex! I'm 60 lbs overweight and that makes it uncomfortable for me which probably makes it awkward for him. I never ask and he never says. I guarantee if I asked he would be honest. So unless you are hiding under their bed you have no idea what he is referring to or what goes on in their room

justaloozer
07-05-2011, 09:11 AM
So many people defending such a shallow person. ALL RIGHT he gets a little credit for being honest and upfront, but what he said was humiliating and debasing. Insensitive. SHALLOW.

He cares, he cares, he cares....he cares about how you look when you are f*cking? Excuse me, but very few people are too big to have sex with.

Just saying.

I may be wrong, but I believe he said the problem was it was difficult to make love with her, the problem is NOT how she looks while they are intimate. THIS DOES MAKE SENSE. Certain positions ARE difficult due to weight. Honestly, I went through the same thing. It HURT. But I am so glad dh told me the truth instead of letting me live in denial.

Skittlez
07-05-2011, 09:17 AM
He was extremely insensitive. It's one thing to admit that weight does impact the sex life, it's another to say it the way he did. I totally understand the low self esteem issues. I don't have a clue why my husband wants to have sex with me, I hate the way I look naked. But there's nothing hotter to him than me walking around in my underwear or flat out naked. Don't ask me why! I'm just grateful he accepts me at my size and even when I was heavier. But I get in funks where I don't think of myself as sexy and that makes it hard to want to intimate, I find then that actually just doing it helps A LOT. I feel more sexy just feeling wanted, I read somewhere that most women aren't in the mood for sex until it actually starts gonig down. If you don't feel comfortable totally nude, buy some sexy outfits that cover up a bit! :) You may not be totally comfortable with your body, but you should still have fun with it :-P

Edit: Oh and as far as weight limiting the sex, sure some things are harder to do heavier. But most of them can still be done, there are plenty of positions that being heavier won't interfere with much :-P

MaryB75
07-05-2011, 09:25 AM
I'm not sure there is a way that could have been said that would be sensitive, it is a very touchy subject. We also don't know for a fact that those are the words he used.

sacha
07-05-2011, 09:28 AM
I wonder how much of these responses are fueled by a projection, an anger from someone's own personal experiences with a partner? Have people read the OP's follow up posts to see how SHE is reacting to this after thinking about it?

Okay, let's call him a shallow insensitive person. Now what? The last thing OP needs in this relationship is more angry confrontation and hurt words. How can she constructively deal with this process?

MaryB75
07-05-2011, 09:30 AM
I wonder how much of these responses are fueled by a projection, an anger from someone's own personal experiences with a partner? Have people read the OP's follow up posts to see how SHE is reacting to this after thinking about it?

Okay, let's call him a shallow insensitive person. Now what? The last thing OP needs in this relationship is more angry confrontation and hurt words. How can she constructively deal with this process?

I agree

EZMONEY
07-05-2011, 09:59 AM
So many people defending such a shallow person. ALL RIGHT he gets a little credit for being honest and upfront, but what he said was humiliating and debasing. Insensitive. SHALLOW.

He cares, he cares, he cares....he cares about how you look when you are f*cking? Excuse me, but very few people are too big to have sex with.

Just saying.


Will the person that has never been insensitive in thought or action please step forward....

ok...how about the person that never has said something stupid and regretted it......

BetterLikeMel
07-05-2011, 10:08 AM
At this point, I think you need to stop involving him in your weight loss. He has the right to his own feelings, but he doesn't have the right to know how much weight you've lost, how you're losing it, how you feel about your losing it, whether your current meal is on-plan or not. Treat those things as personal--I mean really personal, and if he wants to continue to offer advice and opinions, tell him the subject is off limits. And mean it.

It's tempting for me to want to bash a guy who says something like this, but...well, our partners do get affected by our weight. They do have a right to their own feelings as painful as the outcome of them may be. It's one reason why I never asked my husband if my weight was an issue for him; I feared the answer, even though he never gave me cause to worry.

So make the subject verboten in your household. His feelings hurt you too much for you to hear them without feeling pain and probably at least a little righteous anger. Your weight loss efforts apparently cause him distress if it's "killing him" to be involved with your dietary habits.


I'm not trying to cause trouble, but I disagree with this...

Although my personal weight loss has been something I've wanted and have channelled energy into myself (and for the most part have done as a single person), I think it's really important to involve your life partner in your lifestyle changes.

I'm sorry if I'm speaking out of turn, as I don't know you, and some of these posts have suggested that you have further depression that just weight-woes.

You need someone to lean on to take the pressure off of what is a difficult journey - physically and emotionally. No woman is an island (even though we are a tough breed!) He obviously wants you to get better for the sake of your health and your relationship, so maybe it would be a good idea to do something together; start walking a mile or two a day together (you'll be outside, you'll have time alone together to talk and focus on things, not distracted by the TV or anything like that).

My sex life has improved with weight loss and I have a boyfriend who gives me body confidence - but he's also involved in my weight loss, he helps me to say no to things I don't need and keeps actively interested in my exercising. His interest spurs me on as I know that our sex life is improving all the time, but it also brings us closer as a couple.

Maybe you should address the way that he put it to you... it sounds like he was being a typical guy, not thinking about what he was saying. Tell him you were hurt but then decide whether you do or don't want his support in the coming months - it's personal preference at the end of the day and maybe Nola's suggestion will be the better approach for you.

blueheron777
07-05-2011, 10:23 AM
Here's the flip side of the picture: My husband weighs 350 lb. I love him but we don't have sex because 1. I am not attracted to him with the huge rolls of fat 2. it is extremely uncomfortable to be physically intimate and 3. the few times I have ever brought up the weight & intimacy issues, he got all upset and defensive. I heard all the rationales and excuses that most overweight people use.

When I lost 30-odd pounds, he got quite interested, but still stays fat himself.

So unlike your fiance, I don't take the chance of hurting his feelings, and anyway, he never asks how I feel....so we have no sex life.

At least your fiance gave you good feedback to YOUR QUESTION and the ball is in your court now.

SouthLake
07-05-2011, 11:25 AM
I think we all want to think that our partners will be attracted to us no matter how much weight we gain, no matter what we do to our bodies. But that isn't the case. If I were to tattoo my entire face- my husband would still love me, but I'm willing to bet his attraction to me would be through the floor.

But, consider this- how many of us think that weight gain is purely physical? We can gain weight and nothing happens to our emotions and psyche? Nobody? That's because gaining weight doesn't affect just the way we look, it affects just about everything else about us as well.

I gained 80 pounds in the first four years of my marriage. Physically, I went from a size 8/10 to a size 18/20. But the emotional damage was even worse. My husband fell in love with me because I was confident, take charge, physically active, and an overall positive person. With this weight gain, I became withdrawn, miserable, ridiculously insecure, and unwilling or unable to participate in all of the things we had loved to do before. I went from being the person who could take on any group of people and be at ease. We both worked with teenagers, and I could comfortably lead a group of 250. By the time I had reached my high weight, I barely wanted to leave the house to spend time with friends, much less groups of new people.

Sexually, I went from adventurous and confident to "oh my god please don't ever touch my stomach" and hiding my body behind towels, blankets, etc. Positions we had enjoyed before were now too uncomfortable, physically and emotionally, for me to handle.

Yes, my husband has loved me through all of this. But, I couldn't blame him if he had become less attracted to me. I was no longer the girl he feel in love with- physically or emotionally. Some people don't go through nearly as much emotional damage (I have always admired Kaplods confidence!) but the simple truth is that weight affects more than just our bodies. At times, I think the loss of attraction is related to the personality changes and emotional challenges we face, perhaps even more so than the physical changes. In the end, I'll never know if my husband had stopped being attracted to me- because I had never wanted to hear he was, and so I had never asked.

From here- what do you want from him? You say that you are hurt and damaged by what he has said. Understandable. But how do you help him fix that? You can wait and hope that he figures it out on his own, but there's usually some mind reading involved there (a skill few of us have mastered) Figure out what you want from him and ask. DO you need him to reassure you that he still loves you? Tell him that. Do you want to hear that he thinks your breasts are amazing, or that he loves your smile? Tell him that. Most men have a hard time coming up with it on their own, but with direction, will gladly give us what we need. Give him the tools to help fix this rift in your relationship.

luciddepths
07-05-2011, 01:13 PM
South I love it! Great advice! Kapolds! Too funny! Blue heron that is an amazing point to toss in! :)

Mickey79sf
07-05-2011, 02:08 PM
AMEN! :D



So many people defending such a shallow person. ALL RIGHT he gets a little credit for being honest and upfront, but what he said was humiliating and debasing. Insensitive. SHALLOW.

He cares, he cares, he cares....he cares about how you look when you are f*cking? Excuse me, but very few people are too big to have sex with.

Just saying.

Mickey79sf
07-05-2011, 02:12 PM
H3ll there are plenty of positions where being heavier makes it better lol.. a lil extra weight and gravity can go a long way if you know how to work it lol


,Edit: Oh and as far as weight limiting the sex, sure some things are harder to do heavier. But most of them can still be done, there are plenty of positions that being heavier won't interfere with much :-P

Mickey79sf
07-05-2011, 02:16 PM
umm why would you doubt the OP's word that that was what was said.:?:

I'm not sure there is a way that could have been said that would be sensitive, it is a very touchy subject. We also don't know for a fact that those are the words he used.

caramelkitty
07-05-2011, 02:38 PM
H3ll there are plenty of positions where being heavier makes it better lol.. a lil extra weight and gravity can go a long way if you know how to work it lol

Doggy Style! im sorry for being graphic, but come on! it works at any weight!

Chubbykins
07-05-2011, 02:38 PM
Not every difference in opinion is an attack.
If I don't like a movie it does NOT mean I consider people who like it stupid or tasteless.
It simply means the movie was not for my tastes/humour etc.
Same thing goes with sex.
There are people who adore jelly-bellies wobbling, and huge breast only a heavy woman can have, or stick thin women without curves, or curvy chubbies, or normal weight chicks... yes there are tastes for everyone out there and one taste does not make the others perverted or less normal.

When it comes down to two people that want to be together and be exclusive partners in sex they have to find what is most ideal for them both.

If this specific fiance wants his woman healthier/thinner that is something respectable, as it is respectable if said woman does not wish to comply to fiance's needs. They can either meet each other's desires and their own, or live in strained tolerance, or break up.

Still everyone has a right to their own tastes, opinion and bodies.

The issue at hand is more how the couple will deal with this.

In my own opinion the solution is simple and it is weight loss, since the poster does not seem to be a rare case of a heavy person content with his/her weight.

luciddepths
07-05-2011, 02:44 PM
I disagree about sex being better heavier, after being heavy and now just about 70 lbs lighter... I disagree 100%.

I think that they meant about the fiancÚ maybe not using those words, is most people summarize or they give their interpretation of what was said and maybe not the exact words. Sometimes if you miss a word or two or change one, it changes the meaning of the whole statement/comment

luciddepths
07-05-2011, 02:46 PM
Chubby amen to that! :)

Sakurai
07-05-2011, 03:09 PM
I am going to disagree with the above posters a little. People who love us do not say cruel, hurtful things to us. If he had said "I love you the way you are but am concerned for your health, how can I help you?" Barbs rarely help us they only cause resenment and hard feelings.
I am going to have to disagree with this one, myself.

Those who love us shouldn't say things that are cruel or hurtful. But they do, sometimes. We all say things sometimes. I've done it, and my husband has done it. We've been together almost 12 years and we've said a few God-awful things to each other along the way. But we also have the best relationship of anyone I've ever known. We talk about it afterwards, get to the bottom of what we really feel and why we said it. I make an effort to tell him how he could have said it better so as not to hurt my feelings so much when it's something so sensitive.

Once he told me something similar to the second part of what he said. He didn't word it well, and it hurt. He didn't mean for it to hurt, boys just often suck at talking about serious emotionally-charged things. He wanted to help me see how it affected him, and he wanted me to find it in myself to change myself. When I talked to him about it, he said he loved my body, even though it was less attractive in some ways than it used to be, but was sad about what I had done to myself and my health.

He said it the wrong way, but his concerns are sincere. To be honest with yourself, there's truth to it, to some degree. It was for me when I was at 278#, and I'm 5'6''. Physics are more difficult.

One thing that you should give him credit for is that he said it. He risked hurting your feelings to tell you that. Though it's possible that he let out some of his frustrations by saying it that way, he's human. But consider what he didn't say. He didn't say that he doesn't WANT to have sex with you. He didn't say that he doesn't think you're attractive. He didn't say that he doesn't want to be with you.

He commented on the physics and mechanics, and then on how hard it is for him to see what you do to yourself. The latter part is genuinely showing concern for someone he cares enough to say it kills him that you're harming yourself.

My advice: tell him how you really feel. Tell him that it hurt your feelings for him to say it that way, but tell him that you're glad to know how he really feels. Tell him how to phrase it better next time.

Then be honest: Tell him how you truly feel about yourself. That's hard to do, by the way, but he's sharing his life with you, so you deserve to share with him your struggles.
Tell him that it's been so hard for you. Tell him what it is that you genuinely want to do about your weight/health - and do it truly and honestly. If you're afraid, tell him. If you're discouraged, tell him. If you're depressed, tell him.
And most importantly: Ask him if he wants to support you in improving your life, physically and emotionally and spiritually, and tell him how he can do it best.

But what others have said about not relying on him is right - you have to do it for yourself, since you're the only one who CAN do it. Take his comment in stride, and reflect upon yourself and your own feelings.

That's what I did. Once I'd lost a few pounds, I started feeling amazing about myself. I realized that I was sad about myself, and what I'd done, which was at my own hand. And I realized how much it had hurt my husband, who only watched as it happened, and couldn't do anything about it - just try to encourage me to stop and treat myself better.

Sakurai
07-05-2011, 03:12 PM
Southlake, well put!

kaplods
07-05-2011, 03:37 PM
Will the person that has never been insensitive in thought or action please step forward....

ok...how about the person that never has said something stupid and regretted it......


As so often is the case, someone (and not for the first time, EZMONEY) has found a way to say in a few lines what took me dozens.


And I so agree with Sakurai as well. There are a lot of things we shouldn't do or say in a loving relationship, and most of us do them anyway. Not because we're cruel b*******, but because we're human beings and sometimes in trying to express our thoughts and especially our emotions, we stick our foot in our mouths and say something insensitive, if not downright cruel.

Sure we can choose self-righteous indignation when it happens to us, but are we happy when someone holds a grudge against us for something we said and regretted - or do we think "Geez, it was a mistake, I didn't mean it the way it came out, I said I'm sorry, what more can I do?" (and aren't we likely then to dredge up in our minds all the things they did against us in the past, and feel they're being unfair and hypocritical).

We cannot expect forgiveness from others for our mistakes, if we hold grudges against those who make mistakes against us.

And even worse, ill-thought out words are often contagious. You can learn to not respond in kind, but the natural response to rude or insensitive words are more insensitive words.

There is no way to say from the outside of OP's situation "who started it" or who in the relationship says the worst things (I know when I'm mad at my husband, I tell people all the horrible things he did and said to me, I tend to leave out the details regarding what I said and did to him even if my words "started it.")

Who started it isn't really the point. If this is typical behavior (on either part) that crosses into verbal abuse. And I know a lot of couples who are extremely verbally abusive to each other, and usually both spouses forget what they said and did, but have long memories of what the other partner said and did.

Even for myself, I can remember more of the ills done against me, than the times I've hurt others. I'd like to think that people have done more harm to me than I've done to others - but I suspect that's just human vanity. I want to see myself as a good person, so I choose to, but if I want others to see me as a good person I have to try to make amends and ask forgiveness when I hurt others, and I need to forgive others when they hurt me.

Forgiveness is what makes it work (and I don't mean just marriages, I mean society).

Truth be told, I'm not a good person and neither is me husband. We're not bad people, either. We're just people, doing the best we can. We mess up a lot, and if we didn't forgive each other, if we didn't forgive our friends and family, and they didn't forgive us, we'd be very lonely people.

Without forgiveness, two-way forgiveness, there's not a single person on the planet who wouldn't be entirely alone.

tricon7
07-05-2011, 04:35 PM
For a lot of men--I mean a LOT--it isn't fat that turns them off, it's the way in which some of us react to it: obsessing about it and hating it and not letting them see or touch us and agonizing over the food we eat or the food we don't.

And for a lot of men, it IS fat that turns them off. More than less, I would say. Not accusing, since I'm overweight myself.

I hope you feel better soon and that he apologizes for hurting you. No one has to apologize for his feelings, but he should apologize for causing you pain.

I've heard this a lot from women, about how their partner has hurt them by telling them in some way that they're not happy about their partner's weight gain. But men are also hurt and impacted by the woman's downward spiral - it's not a one-way street - but I would say it's more of a long-term sadness. Sometimes women act like they're the only ones affected by all this. They've also hurt the men they care about (at least in this situation). I agree with the other poster that she asked his opinion about her weight, and he gave it. Did she want him to lie and tell her only what she wanted to hear?

kaplods
07-05-2011, 05:40 PM
Sometimes women act like they're the only ones affected by all this. They've also hurt the men they care about (at least in this situation). I agree with the other poster that she asked his opinion about her weight, and he gave it. Did she want him to lie and tell her only what she wanted to hear

Because men don't express their emotions as overtly as women, I think sometimes women can believe or act as if men don't have them. If a man doesn't cry or complain, he must not have been hurt.

I don't know how common it is elsewhere, but at least in all the places I've lived in the midwest, it's really common for women to treat their men like dirt and yet expect to be treated like princesses. Women's bad behavior towards their significant others is accepted, but men are held to a higher standard.

I'm not saying this is true of OP, but it's so common in my experience that I do tend to assume it's the situation elsewhere. Where I live at least, it's far more acceptable for a woman to bash men (generally and individually) than it is for men to bash women. A woman can say all sorts of things about men and it's just "venting" but when a man says something even remotely unchivalrous it causes a giant uproar. Maybe that's not true everywhere, but that's my experience.

I've seen women say a long string of horrible things to their guy and then be outraged if he responded even slightly negatively. Telling everyone who will listen what a b****** he is for being less than Prince Charming, and mostly everyone agrees with her. Other women tell her to "dump him" even when they heard the far worse things she said to him.

Even when confronted I've had women friends say "that's different," implying that it is ok to say horrible things to men, but it's not ok for men to say anything even remotely rude to a woman.

And I guess that is a cultural stereotype - because we see it in movies and literature all of the time. The woman treats a man like dirt and she knows he's "the one" because he treats her like a queen anyway.

It may be the stereotype, but it's not the kind of man I want in real life. It's nice for fantasy, but in real life I don't want a doormat, I want an equal partner who isn't going to hold me to a different standard than he has for himself.

Nola Celeste
07-05-2011, 06:02 PM
Tricon7:

Yeah, for a lot of men, it IS the fat that turns them off, but what's your point in saying so and how does it help Porthardygurl to think of it this way? We're not talking in a vacuum; we're responding to one person's post about how she felt in a very uncomfortable situation. If I spent all my time thinking about all the ways in which my body doesn't match up to a porn star's, I'd make my poor husband miserable: "Turn the lights off!" "Ugh, don't touch my belly, it's so wobbly!" "Don't hug me, my arm fat is noticeable when you do that!"

It's just...not constructive to think that way. I'm fortyish and still fat (although considerably lighter than I had been), but does that mean I should pillory myself for no longer meeting a standard that I last met in my early 20s or that I should don the Western equivalent of a burqa so I don't turn anyone off? I don't believe it does, nor do I believe PHG should continue to feel so bad about herself that she denies herself and her boyfriend intimacy.

That doesn't mean that someone who's fat should just not worry about losing weight. There are more reasons than I can count for wanting to be at an average/normal/healthier weight. Yeah, physical pulchritude is one of those reasons too. I'm just saying that a healthy love life isn't predicated solely on where your partner would rate you from 1 to 10.

I've heard this a lot from women, about how their partner has hurt them by telling them in some way that they're not happy about their partner's weight gain. But men are also hurt and impacted by the woman's downward spiral - it's not a one-way street - but I would say it's more of a long-term sadness. Sometimes women act like they're the only ones affected by all this. They've also hurt the men they care about (at least in this situation). I agree with the other poster that she asked his opinion about her weight, and he gave it. Did she want him to lie and tell her only what she wanted to hear?

I'm sorry if my original post wasn't clearer about this. I didn't mean that he should apologize for being honest. I meant that when you're honest with someone about something painful, it can remove some of the sting if you preface or follow it with an, "I'm sorry that this hurts you." I never meant to imply that it was a one-way street.

But to flip it around, what's the larger partner supposed to do--spend every day apologizing for eating off plan? In PHG's case, it's pretty clear she feels rotten about how she looks; she probably has become apologetic about it. I know that at my biggest, I felt that way--I actually remember thinking (but never saying), "Oh, my poor husband...he deserves better than this body of mine."

I probably don't need to tell you how such thinking affected our love life. No one's happy when one partner feels apologetic all the time. Whether that feeling arises from being fat or from having said something honest in too blunt a fashion, it's a killer to any kind of spark.

I think it's interesting that you mention having heard it a lot from "women" and that it's the "woman's downward spiral" and "women act like they're the only ones affected." If you look a few posts above your own, you'll see a post from a woman who is facing her own discomfort with her husband's weight. This isn't a gendered issue; I'm not sure why you have made it one. I certainly don't think it is.

MaryB75
07-05-2011, 06:15 PM
umm why would you doubt the OP's word that that was what was said.:?:

A couple of reasons. One being that things can sound worse than they were once repeated in the way that a person took it. Once things get passed around a few times the entire tone can change.

The other being that the OP said in her first post that she had asked him last week whether or not her weight affected their sex life. After people commenting that she had asked his opinion and he was honest she changed that. In her follow-up post she said she had asked him that but it had been a few months ago. I actually brought that up to her in one of my earlier posts.

Heather
07-05-2011, 06:34 PM
I'm not sure a lot of this is helpful for the OP. She's reached out for support about a particular issue, and now posters are arguing with each other about the details.

I'm going to go ahead and close this thread. Porthardygurl, if you are finding this helpful, please PM me and I will open it again.