General chatter - Contacting my father




View Full Version : Contacting my father


coastalvagrant
07-01-2011, 06:38 AM
Here's the back story:
My father abandoned me when I was 3 years old. I haven't seen or spoken to him since. He evaded paying child support for years. Even though I lived in the same house my entire childhood he never once bothered to call or contact me in any form. I was never upset about it since I never really got to know him. He was so inconsequential to my life that he may as well have been a sperm donor.

But as I got older I started getting more curious about what exactly happened. My mother has no answers for me. She says that he had wanted the three of us to move to California but that she refused to leave her family in Arizona (where I grew up). Then when his mother died, he returned to Vermont (where he is from) and never came back. That's as much as she knows.

Last year I started doing some research. I found out what town he lives in and I even found a picture of him in a newspaper article. It's the only picture I have of him. I was unable to find any contact information but I did find his brother's phone number.

Would it be out of line to contact the brother in order to get a hold of my father? And even if I can get my father's contact information, do you think it's worth it to bother contacting him? I'm afraid that he will want nothing to do with me (still, heh). Not that I want a relationship or anything like that. I just want some answers. I also kind of want to yell at him for being so irresponsible and show off how much better of a person I am. Is that a bad idea? Under normal circumstances I wouldn't be so rude but all things considering, I think I deserve to be a little angry.

I've been mulling over this question for a few years now and it's now sinking in that I'm getting old. And he's getting really old. I'm thinking it's probably now or never.


devnet
07-01-2011, 06:50 AM
I really don't think it's out of line to try. You have a right to know *something* about him, and you're probably right. It's soon or never. I might not lead off with being angry, but he does need to know that he hurt your family

I know from experience - the angry 'you left' conversation doesn't generally go well. Even when people know they've done wrong, they have a tendency to be defensive and get angry back...if you must yell at him, wait til you've gotten your answers, lol.

IsobelRose22
07-01-2011, 06:52 AM
I think you should go for it. Having an absentee father myself (different situation and circumstances but absent nonetheless) I can understand your predicament. No matter what happens, you'll always regret not contacting him if you don't.

You totally deserve to be angry because no matter what his situation he could have contacted you. Good luck with whatever decision you make!!

xx


nelie
07-01-2011, 07:38 AM
Honestly, I'd leave it be. My father left when I was 6 and I did have sporadic contact with him. I let him know my address. He seemed to want to have some relationship with me and i felt sorry for him. I also ended up having creditors call me when he left the country. They said he used me as a reference for loans. They stopped calling but I can't believe he did that.

Bac0s
07-01-2011, 08:01 AM
I'd leave it be, as well. A close friend recently went through this, contacted her father, and is really regretting it.

If you do, I think you need to figure out exactly what you want to come from it. And realize that no matter how you expect it to go, it can go a thousand different ways. Are you prepared for how painful it will be if he rejects you?

Hugs. What a difficult situation.

JoJoJo2
07-01-2011, 08:51 AM
I think you need to make some sort of contact. You need to find out what medical issues your father has had. This information is a part of what you might need to know to protect yourself.

Many of the diseases we face have a genetic basis, that is, we inherit certain tendencies or weaknesses. Finding out what those might be could help us avoid them.

Anyway, best of luck to you no matter what you decide.

QuilterInVA
07-01-2011, 09:21 AM
This man has made it clear he wants nothing to do with you. You may be opening a pandora's box that will bring a load of hurt. My husband was adopted and we never made any effort to find his birth mother or father even though the family health history would have been helpful. It sounds like your mother was more attached to her father than her husband and children and the blame for this should be laid at her feet.

SouthLake
07-01-2011, 10:45 AM
My husband's biological father left him and his mom when he was very young, then proceeded to be a truly crappy dad on and off. He would call to say he was coming to get him, never show up, and not even call for a few weeks before repeating the same scenario. Real awesome guy. Sometime around when we first started dating, his dad moved, changed his phone number, and never told DH. DH surely could have contacted him, he is in contact with his half siblings (who, awesomely enough, his father is super involved with) but chose to let it go. I think it was the best decision he's made. His biological father made him feel rejected, brought up terrible memories and feelings, and overall, made him unhappy. Choosing to "walk away" from it and stop chasing after him has made him feel much more empowered- his biological father may not have wanted him- but now he doesn't want him either. In the last year or so, we've had contact with him throughhis half siblings (a wedding, a birth, etc.) and I have never seen my husband so anxious, insecure, and upset as when he is around him.

So I ask you this, if you ask your father for answers, and he ignores you, will it compound the anger you have now? If you yell at him, and he flat out doesn't care, how will you feel? I can't tell you what to decide- but be prepared for him to be the same uninvolved, probably douchey, guy that he's always been. IMHO, a man that evades child support, etc. etc. is probably still not going to want anything to do with his kids, nor does he deserve to.

CrystalZ10
07-01-2011, 11:02 AM
This man has made it clear he wants nothing to do with you. You may be opening a pandora's box that will bring a load of hurt. My husband was adopted and we never made any effort to find his birth mother or father even though the family health history would have been helpful. It sounds like your mother was more attached to her father than her husband and children and the blame for this should be laid at her feet.

Woah!! Way harsh. It takes two to make a marriage work. The guy left his wife and children. He also refused to pay child support. Did the mom abandon them too? If not, than leave her out of it. This post didn't read like a blame game, imo.


coastalvagrant He is your dad and you have a right to answers, but you might not like what you hear from him, or he could refuse to allow contact with you. I'd leave the anger at the door. You said it didn't really bother you growing up that he was missing from your life, so don't start pulling a heavy load of anger around now. It won't affect him in any way. Only you.

On the other hand, he may feel like he had no right to contact you, since he up and left, and didn't pay child support. If he's feeling guilty, but not wanting to push you away, than you might have a real chance of getting to know him now.

Its not an easy decision for anyone to make. :hug:

Cali Doll
07-01-2011, 11:12 AM
coastalvagrant He is your dad and you have a right to answers, but you might not like what you hear from him, or he could refuse to allow contact with you. I'd leave the anger at the door. You said it didn't really bother you growing up that he was missing from your life, so don't start pulling a heavy load of anger around now. It won't affect him in any way. Only you.

I agree with this.

:hug: All the best to you.

suetalks
07-01-2011, 11:14 AM
I don't think he deserves to be in your life. That doesn't stop you from being curious and wanting answers. Only you can decide if you can accept the answers and move on. Or in what direction you want to move on. He might be very open to a meeting or he might shun you again. You need to decide if you are strong enough for either.

You also need to be prepared for your feelings if things progress. Be prepared to have no feelings for him, or be prepared to have a rush of feelings. You do not know how it will go. Just protect yourself and your heart..and be prepared.

bargoo
07-01-2011, 11:16 AM
If you do contact him, do not yell at him. You do not know the circumstances of why he left. I umderstand your wanting to talk to him but just get the facts , even if you are angry , take the high road. Remember you only have your mother's side of the story and it seems to me she left a lot unsaid. Remember she admits that she refused to move with him to California. I imagine he is feeling just as rejected as you are.

Lovely
07-01-2011, 01:12 PM
This could either way.

I will say this. If you do contact him, I'd avoid yelling or accusing. You might feel like it, but that sort of stuff is best left written in a journal.

I guess what it comes down to is preparing yourself for the outcome of many situations.

You don't call: Do you see yourself regretting this future where you never got to really talk to or meet your father?

You call your uncle: He refuses to give information or tell your father.

Or

You call and get the info -

Your father is furious, tells you EXACTLY what happened in the harshest way possible and you never hear from him after that.

Your father refuses to reciprocate. Will you still regret calling or will you at least feel better, because you tried? And in fact, you got an answer... it just wasn't the answer you wanted.

Your father is indifferent. You may or may not be able to get answers to what you ask.

Your father is at least a little happy you called, but won't talk about why he left or what the situation with your mother was.

Your father is at least a little happy you called, but it takes time for him to explain the history. Will you be satisfied with the answers even if they weren't the best decisions of his life?

Are you in a forgiving place in your life if forgiveness is called for? Are you in a closure place in your life if the call ends in closure? (Even harsh closure) Or do you just want to call and be angry with him, and let him know you're angry?

I'd say if you're in a place where the first two questions are "Yes" then it might be best to at least attempt to contact him. If you're just calling for the last reason... then maybe now is not the best time.

ButterCup85
07-01-2011, 01:21 PM
It's really up to you. Just be cautious and expect the worst. When your hopes are up it hurts pretty bad. My dad left when I was a baby. I calle dhim when I was 13, my mom didn't think it was good but she let me do it. After a week of calling his gf finally asks to talk to my mom. I put my mom on the phone and I picked up the other line. Only to hear my father say that he hates me and my family and if we contact him again he will kill me. I was so distraught, not only of what he said but it was the first time I heard his voice. This man I'd been dreaming of meeting for years, didn't care. It sucks, but I'm glad. It's better this way if he's going to be like that. Too bad for him he can't see how amazing I am.

My brothers met their dad as well, they got all dressed up and were excited. Their dad was falling over drunk cussing them out- the meeting was planned.

If you do it, just know it doesn't always end good. In fact, most times it doesn't. I wish you the best.

He didn't pay child support either, he kept changing jobs- that to me should had been a bad sign. They finally got all the money from him, I'm sure he hates me more now. I still think of him though, everyone says we look alike. The only pics I have are from 1985 when I was born, he has tattoos like me. I bet we could get along, but I'll never get the chance. As far as I'm concerned the day I hear he's dead we'll have a good long talk at his grave. Just be so careful.

Gogirl008
07-01-2011, 01:42 PM
Coastalvagrant-OMG. Our stories are so similar. I just went through this last year, and for the very same reason. I kept thinking, what if I hear that he has passed away and I missed my chance. I had to get some kind of closure, or answers, something.

I think you should do it. I did find my dad and we wrote back and forth for a few months. It wasn't a big happy TV reunion. He was receptive, but had a boatload of excuses for why I was better off with out him. The excuses were pretty lame and I found it hard to contain the anger that had been bubbling under the surface after awhile. We don't write anymore really. I found out what I needed to know and wasn't able to respond in a civil manner at a certain point. I decided that I'd just back out once the relationship became hurtful again. He knows where I am and I know where he is.

I have to say though, it brought up some serious emotions that I didn't expect. I had a wonderful friend that talked me through the whole thing and listened and cried with me. It was not a cut and dry kind of thing. Lots of drama, emotion, he said/she said stuff. I found that a person that abandons a child of thier own is likely to be a little on the insensitive side, something to keep in mind.

I believe that if you need to know something, and you really think you have considered all the possible outcomes, than it's healthy to see it through. I feel better knowing that I made an attempt to get to know him. I don't like how it turned out, but I know that I did more than my part in mending fences. I can put it aside now and know that it is finished business. I may or may not have some relationshp with him again someday, but I held out the olive branch and that was all I needed to do to get some peace with it.

I wish you the best and I hope you let us know what you decide to do.

astrophe
07-01-2011, 02:10 PM
I'm afraid that he will want nothing to do with me (still, heh).

You fear his re-rejection. So why open the door for him to hurt you again?

Not that I want a relationship or anything like that. I just want some answers.

What makes you think he has any? Or would bother to tell you? You are strangers.

I also kind of want to yell at him for being so irresponsible and show off how much better of a person I am. Is that a bad idea?

For what? Again, why open the door for him to hurt you again? Better you yell at him on paper and then burn the letter.

Under normal circumstances I wouldn't be so rude but all things considering, I think I deserve to be a little angry.

Sure you have understandable reasons to be angry.

But if your motivation for connecting to a stranger is anger... I think you could find a better outlet.

As you say... You stayed in the same place. If he wanted to find you before, he would have.

A.

coastalvagrant
07-02-2011, 01:04 AM
I think you need to make some sort of contact. You need to find out what medical issues your father has had. This information is a part of what you might need to know to protect yourself.

This is actually one of my biggest questions/concerns. Even if he refuses to tell my why he did what he did, I'd still like to know if cancer (for example) runs in the family.

I'm also curious if I have any siblings running around somewhere.

If you do contact him, do not yell at him. You do not know the circumstances of why he left. I umderstand your wanting to talk to him but just get the facts , even if you are angry , take the high road. Remember you only have your mother's side of the story and it seems to me she left a lot unsaid. Remember she admits that she refused to move with him to California. I imagine he is feeling just as rejected as you are.

I do wish my mother could better explain exactly what went on. But I don't think she is being purposefully evasive. She is just extremely self centered and often blind to other people's feelings. Interestingly enough, she's always encouraged me to try to contact him. She says I'm just like him (which makes me cringe because I like to think I'm better than that). She also seems inclined to believe that he feels guilty about leaving and that's why he never tried to make any contact. But then I can't say I really trust her judgment.


I guess what it comes down to is preparing yourself for the outcome of many situations.

I think this is exactly right, Lovely. I've thought about all the possible scenarios that could arise from me making contact and everything about it is unpredictable. Even my own reaction is a mystery to me. My whole life I told myself I didn't care. I certainly didn't miss him. You can't miss something you never really knew. But now that I'm older I realize how much of an impact this all really had on me. I'm afraid that I will get emotional. I hate to think that anyone could have that type of power over me. So not only do I not know what his reaction is going to be, I'm not sure what my reaction will be either. It's scary.

Coastalvagrant-OMG. Our stories are so similar. I just went through this last year, and for the very same reason. I kept thinking, what if I hear that he has passed away and I missed my chance. I had to get some kind of closure, or answers, something.

Thank you for sharing your story. Closure is a good way to put it and it's actually a really big deal for me. I feel like if I don't get some kind of closure, it may well haunt me forever.


It's really up to you. Just be cautious and expect the worst. When your hopes are up it hurts pretty bad. My dad left when I was a baby. I calle dhim when I was 13, my mom didn't think it was good but she let me do it. After a week of calling his gf finally asks to talk to my mom. I put my mom on the phone and I picked up the other line. Only to hear my father say that he hates me and my family and if we contact him again he will kill me. I was so distraught, not only of what he said but it was the first time I heard his voice. This man I'd been dreaming of meeting for years, didn't care. It sucks, but I'm glad. It's better this way if he's going to be like that. Too bad for him he can't see how amazing I am.

My brothers met their dad as well, they got all dressed up and were excited. Their dad was falling over drunk cussing them out- the meeting was planned.

If you do it, just know it doesn't always end good. In fact, most times it doesn't. I wish you the best.

I'm sorry you had that experience. He actually said he hated you? How awful. That's gotta be like one of the worst possible outcomes. :(


What makes you think he has any? Or would bother to tell you? You are strangers.

It's funny you use the word stranger because that's kind of how I've viewed it over the years. As I mentioned above, my mother has encouraged me to try to find/contact him to which I asked if she's so interested why doesn't SHE contact him. She said that he has nothing to do with her life anymore. To which I responded that he essentially NEVER had anything to do with my life. At least she knew him.

To everyone who advised against getting angry, I think you are right. It wouldn't do any good. I suppose I like to think that it might make him feel guilty but if he doesn't already feel guilty, a few harsh words from me won't make a difference. And really, I'm not looking to cause trouble or drama.

Thanks so much for the feedback everyone. It's really giving me a lot to think about. I keep swinging back and forth between the it's a really bad idea to make contact to the you'll regret it if you don't side. Right now I'm leaning a bit more towards the contact side but I'm going to need to give it some more thought.

IsobelRose22
07-02-2011, 04:18 AM
I understand why a lot of people have advised you not to contact him, as it could open a whole can of worms that probably should be left alone in ideal circumstances. They're right it could end up going horribly wrong, and the worst case scenario could end up happening.

But I questioned my dad over his behaviour, like his not supporting us in any sense (Financially, emotionally) he never called us, always tried to wriggle out of paying child support, he called me a ***** and a failure to my face, and a whole load of other unpleasant stuff behind my back. It was horrible and sometimes I wish I hadn't asked told him how I felt about the way he treated me, Ignorance is bliss after all. But then I think about how I'd feel if I hadn't got it all out of my system. His answers weren't what I wanted to hear, he evaded everything I'd said, and when I did back him into a corner he said I was lying and making it up. But it was closure for me. He'd helped me see what kind of person he really was and I was able to draw a line under it and move on. That's why I think you should contact him. If I hadn't contacted my dad I can guarantee I'd still be obsessing over it.

If you do end up contacting him just remember to prepare yourself for the worst.

Good luck! x

jules1216
07-02-2011, 10:36 AM
My husband's biological father left him and his mom when he was very young, then proceeded to be a truly crappy dad on and off. He would call to say he was coming to get him, never show up, and not even call for a few weeks before repeating the same scenario. Real awesome guy. Sometime around when we first started dating, his dad moved, changed his phone number, and never told DH. DH surely could have contacted him, he is in contact with his half siblings (who, awesomely enough, his father is super involved with) but chose to let it go. I think it was the best decision he's made. His biological father made him feel rejected, brought up terrible memories and feelings, and overall, made him unhappy. Choosing to "walk away" from it and stop chasing after him has made him feel much more empowered- his biological father may not have wanted him- but now he doesn't want him either. In the last year or so, we've had contact with him throughhis half siblings (a wedding, a birth, etc.) and I have never seen my husband so anxious, insecure, and upset as when he is around him.

So I ask you this, if you ask your father for answers, and he ignores you, will it compound the anger you have now? If you yell at him, and he flat out doesn't care, how will you feel? I can't tell you what to decide- but be prepared for him to be the same uninvolved, probably douchey, guy that he's always been. IMHO, a man that evades child support, etc. etc. is probably still not going to want anything to do with his kids, nor does he deserve to.

Gosh my Dad was this one...parents split when I was 3, divorced when I was around 8ish when he showed up at my brothers little league game already drunk and carrying a drink and announced loudly if mom didnt divorce him, he was moving back in...amazingly enough he lived at my grandmothers house in the same small town and we had holidays and even some Sunday meals after church all together, Dad got sober when I was around 10-11 tried to get back with mom...I was mad at her for not getting back with him til I got older...he remarried to a woman with 5 kids when I was 12 and became Dad to the three youngest who ironicly were 3 to 6 years older than me....got a high paying job never paid us child support but bought her kids pot and kept them in nice clothes....while my brother and I had to work to get anything extra...had me convinved I was fat when I weighed 125lb and was 36-26-36...my step sisters were 100 lbs weight and no shape at all. My brother didnt talk to him for about 20 plus years and I only talked to him maybe once or twice a year...he was an awesome grandfather to their kids and didnt even no mine...my Mom was diagnosed with cancer and then when she was going for her first surgery he was too...lung cancer, I went with him for the surgery none of the steps showed up. He had the same nasty mouth that hurt my feeling only I finally let him know it, my step mother died the November 2009, Mom followed May 2010, and he followed July 2010...I have sometimes have guilty feelings cause I didnt do as much for him as I did for my mother but then my husband reminds me that she was the one that did for us., I guess I am saying they dont change and they dont even realize they have done anything wrong and they dont ask forgiveness and you never get closure.

Kitsey
07-02-2011, 02:11 PM
My mom met my dad while she was oven in England. They came back to California and got married, then divorced when I was about a year old. He went back to England and I've never heard another word from or about him. (I'm 28) My mom never had too much to say about him, and I've only ever seen an old picture one time. I never missed not having a dad growing up, cause my mom was fantastic. But now that I'm older I do get a little sad wondering if he ever thinks of me on my Birthday or Fathers Day. I also wonder if he went on to have any kids (I'm an only child otherwise, and my mom is my only family) I know I had cousins, etc. and I really miss not having a family now. I halfheartedly have put his name on Facebook, but that's as much as I've done. I figure that he knew where I was for so long, he could have looked me up :/

EZMONEY
07-02-2011, 02:35 PM
I don't know if there is truly a right or wrong answer here.

My advice to you would be that whichever way you choose to hope for the best but prepare for the worst.

I can't relate but a friend of mine that I have known for 40 years married a girl 32 years ago. They had lived together for a year and she was pregnant when they went to a wedding for one of her friends in another city 400 miles away.

She ended up running off with the groom!! :?:

She never came back to my friend, ended up getting married and still is to the groom. My friend tried to be a 400 mile away dad at first when the girl was born...just wasn't working out so at 1 year old he gave her up for adoption to the groom and they agreed for no further support.

A few years ago my friend, re-married and father of a now 24 year old, told her what happened years ago.

Well, his daughter went and found her "sister"....

DISASTER!!!

The other child had no idea.....

Now all parties are feeling more pain :(

Prayers for a good outcome :hug:

Esofia
07-02-2011, 05:46 PM
If this is bubbling up and troubling you, that's understandable, and so is suddenly feeling angry as a response. However, that's not a reason to contact him, that's a reason to work through your own feelings, and also your relationship with your mother (which sounds somewhat strained). Get all that sorted, make sure that you are truly at peace with yourself, and remember that it won't be quick or easy. Then think again about whether you really want to contact him.

As for why he left, relationship breakups are rarely pleasant, and the most common reason for divorce is domestic abuse. For all you know, it was a really nasty situation and your mother is trying to spare you.

Thighs Be Gone
07-02-2011, 05:58 PM
I think your decision is one that only YOU can make. I do not feel that it's out of line to want to contact him. Please be ready to accept that he may or may not want contact for whatever reasons he may have. If he denied your child support and you have proof of him knowing about you, he may owe you money too! Just sayin'.

Esofia
07-02-2011, 06:06 PM
You can get backdated child support from a parent? Seriously?

Gogirl008
07-02-2011, 10:20 PM
If this is bubbling up and troubling you, that's understandable, and so is suddenly feeling angry as a response. However, that's not a reason to contact him, that's a reason to work through your own feelings, and also your relationship with your mother (which sounds somewhat strained). Get all that sorted, make sure that you are truly at peace with yourself, and remember that it won't be quick or easy. Then think again about whether you really want to contact him.

I totally agree with this. Originally, I said that I thought you should contact your dad, but, I do think it requires a little self help first.

I waited and waited before I contacted my dad. I had so many emotions to sort through and had to decide what my goal really was. Was it about venting my feelings, or anger, or working towards a relationship....there is so much to figure out. I think you need to know what it is you are looking for from him. My intention was to give him another opportunity to know me, on the chance that he was a good person that had been afraid to reconnect.

I know what it's like to have that void. It just shows up one day. You live almost your whole life without a father, no birthday cards, calls, anything. You wonder if maybe he just needs a nudge. Maybe that's all he does need. For me, I had to find out. And I was ready for anything. Even the rejection (which I got at one point) is helpful in finding a way to put the wondering to rest.

I chose to write a letter. It gave me time to gather my thoughts. He responded and we went back and forth for months. I had my husband read them before I sent them to be sure I wasn't sending mixed messages and that I didn't have angry undertones. I wanted to be sure that I wasn't just trying to punish him and that he felt like he could speak freely.

I think you've gotten good advice from everyone. I know though, the wondering, it doesn't just go away. At least for me it didn't.

On a side note, my dad owed tons of back child support and that had been an issue for years. He'd been hiding, from that and from me. I know more now and I do still have resentment, but it was worth the journey for me.

Now he knows my perspective of his actions. I think I conveyed that without attacking him. I wanted him to know that he was missed and wanted and worthy of being a dad, whether he wanted that or believed it.

But even more than that, I now know for sure that I am a worthy daughter. He missed out and so did your dad. Whether you decide to contact him or not, YOU deserved a father. He missed out on that wonderful experience.

Tea Granny
07-02-2011, 11:40 PM
I found my Dad when I was 37. He and my Mom divorced when I was 1 1/2 years old and she was pregnant with my sister. He was in the American military, and posted overseas, My Mom remarried when I was 6 and we moved to Canada. My Dad signed the adoption papers that allowed my Mom's new husband to adopt us. There was no contact. As an adult I would do a bit of a search every few years after my son was born. Then one day it all fell into place- I actually reached his sister who knew exactly who I was-burst into tears of joy and said that her mother - my grandmother- prayed until the day she died that I would find her. She gave my my Dad's phone number, and I called and left a message on his answering machine. My sister nearly had a heart attack - LOL. My Dad called me back- and we began a correspondance that lasted until his death last September. I never did meet him in person- lots of reasons- but he was happy to know us all - his daughters, his grandkids, and eventually greatgrandkids, even via long distance. I will never regret it.
You need to examine your reasons for wanting to contact your Father. Do you want to know him as a person? Are you willing to respect his privacy??? What happened between your Mom and him is really their business- can you accept that? If you reach out with love and kindness and forgiveness as your only emotions- you could have a nice result. If you are motivated by pride, revenge or anything like that you could get your heart broken. People make mistakes, they often don't know how to put things right-so they just let things slide. Give him the benefit of the doubt, the past is gone and can't be undone. You could develop a wonderful, loving adult releationhips with your Dad. For me, it was so very worth it :)

natamars
07-03-2011, 05:18 PM
My husband's niece contacted him many years ago(she found his name in an online search, he hadn't seen her since her dad abandoned her) trying to track down her father(DH's brother) who had been out of her life since she was very little. DH was able to get them in touch and they had a relationship of sorts for several years. He is out of everyone's life now - he is mentally ill and refuses to get help.

I think if it were my dad I'd want to find him so I wouldn't always wonder "what if", but I'd try not to have high expectations.

Gigi33
07-03-2011, 06:09 PM
I think if you are already looking for him and found a way to contact him, you've already answered the question.

However, I hope you do and you should have a really good support system incase you don't get the outcome you are hoping to get by contacting him.

Beck
07-03-2011, 07:47 PM
My story is very similar to your's; mother divorced alcoholic father when I was a toddler, he disappeared out of our lives, and we never had any contact (nor did his parents or half-brother or children from a previous marriage).

Through social security records we found out that he died a few years ago. I grew up hating him for what he did to our family (also no child support). Now that there is never a chance of closer, I wish that I had pursued finding him; I didn't necessarily expect answers of any kind, but I guess a sense of peace knowing I tried. Now my peace comes from forgiving him even while not knowing all the details of why he made the choices he did; his life was not an easy one, and addictions are extremely hard to break (speaking as a former food-addict myself).

I wish you peace in whatever you decide to do and no matter what the outcome. Please update if you do contact him; I'm curious how it will all turn out.

MiZTaCCen
07-04-2011, 09:30 AM
I think you should do it so you're no longer wondering! Don't get attached or upset though if he wants nothing to do with you, but as people always say their are two sides to every story. Maybe your mother doesn't really want to talk about it because it pains her of the memory of him abandoning the two of you. I think it's great you want to meet him and peek your curiousity, so go for it!

Snaplet
07-04-2011, 09:51 AM
Wow. What an emotionally charged issue!

Wish I had a crystal ball that would tell us all if he's a 'good guy' now and you should contact him or if he's a major waste of plasma and you would be better off not knowing any more than you already do.

Whatever you decided to do, please remember, his choices, his emotions, his reactions to you don't define who you are and your value as a person. If he rejects you in any way, shape or form, that is his failure and his loss.

All the best,
Snap

coastalvagrant
07-10-2011, 10:04 AM
So I went ahead and contacted my father. I was able to get a hold of his email. I kept the email as formal sounding as possible. The only questions I asked were health related and if I had any siblings. It's been nearly a week later and I have yet to get a response. At this point, I don't expect one.

Although it wasn't exactly a success in terms of finding out the answers to my questions, I'm glad I sent the email. I would have regretted it if I had not at least tried.

Thanks everyone for the support and suggestions. It really helped to push me forward.

FrouFrou
07-10-2011, 12:34 PM
Sorry you didn't get a response but at least you did it. Who knows, maybe in time he will come around. He may not know what to say and the email may have shocked /surprised him. Hugs to you

JoJoJo2
07-10-2011, 12:48 PM
I'm also sorry that you didn't get a response. But I am glad you made the effort to contact him. If you hadn't made that effort you would have always wondered.

:wave:

Skittlez
07-12-2011, 05:40 AM
Are you sure that it's an active e-mail account? People do tend to change them, or not ever check them (especially from the older generation :-P). I'd still try to get ahold of his number if I were you.

Gogirl008
07-12-2011, 07:01 AM
Are you sure that it's an active e-mail account? People do tend to change them, or not ever check them (especially from the older generation :-P). I'd still try to get ahold of his number if I were you.

^Yep, what I was thinking too. I'd probably even try to get his actual house address and send a letter. Gives you both time to compose your thoughts so you can say things the way you want. Could be he just needs time to figure out what he wants to say and he's still thinking about things....I hope that's the case. Glad you took the step though. :hug: