100 lb. Club - No support from husband ..




View Full Version : No support from husband ..


SummerdayWinterCold
01-12-2003, 08:11 AM
I'm not even going to lie .. my husband has never been very supportive of anything I try to accomplish; wheither it be school, my business .. anything I've ever done.

Weight loss is not excluded. He actually started an argument Wednesday morning because I would not eat eggs. He made a chocolate cake Tuesday night and kept making digs at me like:

Wouldn't you like a piece of cake
This sure does look good doesn't it?
Do you want to smell it?
Let me get you a piece (asked about twenty da** times)
This one piece of cake isn't going to ruin your diet


It is very difficult for me .. I feel like he is trying to completly ruin what I'm trying to do for myself (it's almost like he gets some kind of sick pleasure out of it). :(

I do not, nor have I ever understand this behavior. In the past when I tried to diet, I would treat myself to a "regular" dinner once on the weekends. I still would make an effort to eat right by choosing skinless chicken, nothing baked, no bread, etc. He would even complain then by saying things like : I can't believe we went to all the trouble to go and and eat ... if that's all your going to eat. Might as well stayed home. :?:

You know what really bites the big one is that he is fit. He works out 5 to 6 days a week, has a killer body and takes care of himself. That's another reason why I am so confused by his behavior .. you would think he would want me to look nice. I've always felt bad about our appearance together because he is so buff and I'm so .. well fluffy.

Deep down I know that I'm ready to lose the weight and I am extremely determined. But how in the **** can you maintain that when you have someone that you live with who is trying to bring you down and practically throwing food in your face?

It's a catch 22 for me .. remarks about me being overweight .. or constant digs about me trying to lose weight. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

Honestly I hope that you all supportive spouses ... deep down I hope someone out that is in the same boat I am and they can give me advice on how to deal with the behavior because I have a long way to go .. and he is already about to drive me freaking mad. I'm about ready to just break down and cry.


Jennelle
01-12-2003, 11:35 AM
Debbie -

First, let me send a great big {{{{{hug}}}}} your way!

Now, let me put on my psychoanalyst's hat ;) .

There are a lot of reasons why people close to us sabotage our weight loss efforts. In this case, I think your husband is scared. Yes, scared.

I'm not even going to lie .. my husband has never been very supportive of anything I try to accomplish; wheither it be school, my business .. anything I've ever done.

To me, it sounds like your husband is terrified of you becoming an independent woman. He is afraid that one day, you're going to wake up educated, with a successful business, and thin and suddenly realize you don't need him anymore. He wants to keep your self-esteem low. He wants you to believe that you are "lucky" to have him. If he can accomplish this, you won't leave him.

Now, if leaving him never crossed your mind in the first place, he has nothing to worry about. Sit down with him and talk to him - really talk to him - about why this is important to you. If you can't do that, write him a letter. (I actually prefer the letter method, as you can refine your thoughts and feelings over a few days.) Reassure him. Tell him you love him and that he is your "one and only." Tell him how much you value his love and support.

Of course, the empowerment that taking control provides sometimes means that women realize they're in unhappy relationships. That might be an angle you need to look at, as well. As you get stronger, you might realize that you don't need him as much as you thought.

I hope this helped. And always remember that, no matter what your dress size, you are a creature of God and you deserve the best life has to offer.

soiley
01-12-2003, 02:08 PM
Big hug to you Debbie. I ditto what Jennelle said. My mom is the same as your husband. I think they are just so afraid of you changing and maybe not needing them any more. Very good suggestions above.


gonzostar
01-12-2003, 02:31 PM
i a so sorry you have to go through this. but i've been told it a billion times: guys worry that we're going to get skinny and hot and leave them because we are more attractive. so the reassuring him that you love him method is the best i can think of.

and remember, WE'RE all here for you!!

:grouphug:

SummerdayWinterCold
01-12-2003, 02:59 PM
Jennelle .. thanks so much for taking the time to really analize my situation. I needed some outside input to cast a new light so to speak. I consider myself fairly intelligent, but it seems when you are in a situation like this, you are blinded to so many things; wheither it be because you have become comfortable, or in my cause make a million excuses and try and to justify the behavior. Many of the points you made hit home.


suddenly realize you don't need him anymore. He wants to keep your self-esteem low. He wants you to believe that you are "lucky" to have him.

I have been told by him numerious times that no other man would do all his does for me, nor would they put up with me. Years ago I was young and naive enough to believe that.

Now, if leaving him never crossed your mind in the first place, he has nothing to worry about.

More times than I can count ..

Sit down with him and talk to him - really talk to him - about why this is important to you.

I'm not trying to buck your advice because I asked for it afterall ... but I decided to do that after I posted this message. If you can't talk to your husband .. who can you talk to right? Well, that was just another fight. For whatever reason, when I talk to him about me .. it always turns into something about him.

Of course, the empowerment that taking control provides sometimes means that women realize they're in unhappy relationships.

I think that is exactly where I am headed, slowly but surely.

This is just another thing I'm going to have accomplish on my own .. with him screaming in the background all the way.

I am so truly glad I found this forum, because I feel that it is my only source of support @ the moment. **** .. with the way things are going, it may be may the only one.

Thanks again for all the input, from everyone. I really needed the encouragment and the advice.

acw
01-12-2003, 03:23 PM
Hang in there Debbie. Sending you big hug of support from New Zealand. I really feel for you in your struggle. Isn't it sad when those we love most seem to turn against us instead of supporting us. So much for those marriage vows of sickness and health etc etc! My husband is indifferent and neither supportive or unsupportive which can be strange but I finally worked it out that he's there for me he just doesn't want to put any pressure on me. He's seen me go thru so many up's and down's on the weight rollercoaster and Ihe doesn't want me to beat myself up over it. In his own way he is supportive to me by accepting me the way I am and doing little things to support me whatever I choose.

Unfortunately your husband seems to be his own insecurities onto you! He seems to be trying to make you feel guilty and in some way thats makes him feel better.

You have to put yourself at the top of the list and if he can't handle the new strong you then so be it - do it for you.

Keep strong you are certainly surrounded by lots of support here!

Anna

Nic251
01-12-2003, 03:45 PM
Hang in there Debbie! We all know you can do it! Remember that you are worth it! :grouphug:
Nicole

jiffypop
01-12-2003, 05:24 PM
would you consider counseling, whether or not he'll go with you? it's a scary time for both of you... but hang tough. you're doing the right thing.

matt_H
01-12-2003, 06:39 PM
I agree with what the other people here have said. As one of the only men that hang out here (or perhaps the only, what does that say about me -- sorry for the self-psychoanalysis in mid thought) I think I am in a pretty unique position. I once dated a girl who was a little overweight (yet she believed she was HUGE). She constantly thought that I was trying to get her to overeat, but I didn't see myself doing it.

However, now that I have begun to lose weight myself, I can see that I probably was subconsciously trying to prevent her from being skinny. It is a sick reaction that a person who is close to someone has, but I think it is true. Sometimes you feel threatened that the person is going to be radically different once that they start to feel better about themselves.

I'm not dating that person anymore (it is not because of any of this -- basically we were 2 different people; i was normal and she was psycho, but that is another story). I would agree to talk to him and reassure him that you will be the same person no matter what.

Jennelle
01-12-2003, 06:48 PM
Matt - "I was normal and she was psycho." ROTFLMAO!!!! :lol: :lol:

SummerdayWinterCold
01-12-2003, 09:51 PM
Thanks so much you "guys". I've had a very rough day, and it was so wonderful to come home and see all of these supportive messages.

My mother phoned this afternoon to let me know that it was time for the grandchildren to go and collect items they wished to keep from my grandmothers home (she passed away in October).

It was strange and emotional for me; walking the halls, going room to room, and removing things. I drove an hour home with this box of "things" .. and thought over so many things that are going on in my life. I thought about my grandmother, and how she lived her life. About how many things she told me that she would give anything to be able to go back in time and accomplish.
She was in an abusive marriage for 30 years, and all those years took there toll on her self-esteem. She gave 30 years of her life to someone who never supported anything she wanted to do .. she was too stupid .. or just a women and couldn't do anything because of the fact. All she was supposed to do was raise children, have sex on demand, cook and clean. She was never seen as a person of equal value by her husband.

Basically, here I am in 2003 dealing with the same crap .. just in a "modern" kinda of way.. if that makes sense. My grandmothers life was full of love, but it was also full of what ifs and what should of beens.

Walking those halls tonight has my wheels turning, and made me really think .. and think hard. I will not allow myself to be "beat" into submission by anyone. I have only one life to live, and I'm going to do this .. and whatever else I set out to succeed at with or without his support.

Thanks again for all the kind works ya'll, I really needed them.

Raelynn
01-12-2003, 10:07 PM
I agree with what everyone has said above. You need to do what YOU want, your husband should be standing beside you, not in front of you trying to block your way.

SuchAPrettyFace
01-12-2003, 11:36 PM
I agree w/Jennelle's first post.

One of my guy friends once said to me, "About 6 months before I broke up with her, I started taking her out to eat all the time. I figured she'd gain so much weight that when I dumped her, no other man would want her."

Needless to say, we're not friends anymore, but the point is this. As long as he feels no one else would want you, your husband feels secure. Your newfound determination is scary to him, prolly b/c he knows he could lose you.

Good luck Debbie.

MzPen
01-13-2003, 08:58 AM
Lots of great comments here! Debbie, it sounds as if you've been sparked onto some real thinking by these posts and by the visit to your grandmothers -- much to think about.

The only thing I can think of to add is that it sounds as if it's possible your husband feels he needs to have power over you. He's obviously very self-centered (not the end of the world or completely bad, but certainly frustrating for those of us who have to live with it - my DH can be that way much of the time). And perhaps he feels that HE couldn't find someone else if you left him ... that his response to that is to keep himself fit.

I went through a period in my marriage where we were fighting a lot, and at the time I remember thinking it would never end. It did eventually, after a lot of working through it all. Up to that point, I had never even contemplated the idea that we would ever split up ... once I realized and accepted the fact that it COULD happen, and I was able to do some really rational thinking about it, and I was able to come to the argument table with the idea in my mind that I COULD leave and it wouldn't be the end of the world -- I felt more self-assured. It's hard to explain why this made things better for me. I didn't want to leave, and ultimately I didn't, but it put me in a position of feeling more in control -- not controlling him, but in control of my own destiny.

Since talking with him turned into a big argument, perhaps writing a letter would be better -- perhaps write the letter, ask him to read it and think about it for a little while, then discuss it. I wish you the best in evaluating your feelings, and I hope that you can come to a eventual resolution.

Pen
265/218.5/150ish

snowball1
01-13-2003, 11:11 AM
Lots of great advice & comments here... don't really have much more to add other than I'm here to support you!! :)

Goddess Jessica
01-13-2003, 01:20 PM
My two cents:

I once had a boyfriend that did the same thing your husband does. It was very hard to do anything because he tore me down whatever I had built up in myself. My course of action was to leave (and I lost 40 pounds when I did). Of course, I'm not suggesting that for you, each situation is different.

However, consider getting yourself some therapy. A marriage counselor is good too but get a therapist for yourself. Trust me, you'll receive unbelievable benefits from this action. An unbiased third party perspective on your life is sometimes what you need to understand your life.

And we're always here for you too.

Step
01-13-2003, 06:49 PM
((Hugs)) to you Debbie.

For what it's worth, the situation you describe is NOT all that uncommon. Somebody posted about it on the general support board last week and I answered, pretty much like Jennelle did, over there.

Treat yourself well and do what's best for you!

SummerdayWinterCold
01-13-2003, 07:40 PM
Last night we fought .. talked .. and cried. I told him once again how I felt. I was honest about everything; i have never, nor do I now feel worthy of his love and I've never got any support from him.

He told me that he brags to people all the time about how hard I work, how well my business is doing .. yada yada yada. It really doesn't make a flying flip unless I HEAR IT.

It basically came down to me telling him that I could not spend my life trying to earn his approval/love (I never get it anyway). If i wasn't enough for him, then we needed to go our seperate ways.

I think he actually listened to me. He apolized for making me feel so bad, and promised to try and be more supportive and loving.

A few of you mentioned counseling, and I think that it something that we really need to look into. I plan on talking to him about it, and seeing if he is open to the idea. I think some of the issues we are dealing with now are coming from his childhood. It wasn't a great one; his mother was controlling and manipulative, and his father was critical of himself and everyone around him. To boot, they both drank liquor like they were scared someone was going to take it away from them. Also, my father was/is very controlling, and critical. Perhaps I have some issues also because of that .. codependent of some sort ?!? I think we can make it, but we are going to need outside help .. as we have serious communication problems; I say apple .. he says orange.

Thanks again !!!

jiffypop
01-14-2003, 12:35 AM
debbie... so glad to read this last post!! REAL PROGRESS!!! now, please. no matter what happens, get some counseling for yourself. you both have things to work out, separately and together, so don't neglect yourself no matter what happens. it's a big, sometimes scary journey, but well worth the effort.

we're with you!!!!

MzPen
01-14-2003, 09:02 AM
Debbie -- what your husband said about how he brags to everyone about you sounds so familiar. My husband does the same kind of thing ... though he doesn't tear me down, and I can't say he's entirely unsupportive of me, he doesn't give that "coach-like" support that I could use sometimes -- something that I've seen him give to others!

I mainly wanted to say to try and be patient ... It sounds to me that there's a definite glimmer of hope here! Although my issues were different, I know how horrible it feels to go through the arguing and discussing and crying - sometimes it feels it will never end. Working through this kind of thing takes time, and you can experience "one step forward, two steps back." Keep believing in yourself ... keep trying to learn and understand about his attitudes ... And if he doesn't want to go to counseling, think about going by yourself. Even a few sessions can help.

Take care.

Step
01-14-2003, 05:46 PM
((Hugs)) to you Debbie.

You've gotten some great advice here. I just wanted to add that this problem is more common than you may think. Somebody posted about it on the 3FC's 'General Chatter' board just a few weeks ago.

I wish you the best.