General chatter - Weight and relationships?




View Full Version : Weight and relationships?


MissSMcC
06-28-2011, 05:15 AM
i'm just wondering how many of us single chicks find it impossible to form new relationships out of fear of being judged or rejected because of our weight? i mean, i know it's ridiculous, but i am way too embarresed of myself right now to go out and find what i really want. not even just a boyfriend/ partner, but im even finding it hard to form new friendships at the moment.
i guess im thinking about this at the moment as yesterday marked 6 months since my ex walked out. he is now seeing the girl he swears he didnt cheat on me with. to be honest, im not even bothered, what bugs me is i want something new. i feel very alone just now. and the only thing holding me back from getting out there and having fun is my weight. how can something like that have such a hold on us?


ButterCup85
06-28-2011, 07:57 AM
I understand how you feel, believe me. But, I don't know if it is all just the weight. I wonder if it's just our perception of ourselves. Who to say you wont feel the same at 220 or 200 or 190? Why not get confidence now?! I've found that even though I'm still "over weight" I can accept who I am now just because it's all I have right now. And, I don't want to have some complex sitting and waiting to be thin enough to get friends, or thin enough to date, or thin enough to get that job I want.

I don't think it's the weight that has a hold of us, I think it is the way we view our selves. Maybe I am way off here, but even in the maintenance forums there are women who have a hard time seeing them for the tiny woman they are now. Weight loss is not only a physical journey but an emotional one too and maybe even more a psychological one. I've made it a point to look in the mirror and say what I like.

There are so many people in the world, especially women who sit around oh I wish I had your ____. I hate _____ about me. What we should be doing is saying wow you have great _____ and I really like my _____. Try looking in the mirror and seeing the small changes you have accomplished as well as the things you find beautiful in your self. Cause guess what? Those beautiful things will be there when you're smaller and I bet they're already there now. Life doesn't wait on us, so we best start living it.

Just knowing I am doing it, even though it's slow, even though I am "over weight" or whatever I feel fantastic about me. And, you should too. Because you're still going to be you. Sorry for dragging that on, I hope maybe you understand what I am saying.

Women all shapes and sizes feel alone many time. We all want to be loved and want something special. But, saying it's your weight holding you back I think is wrong. It's your perception of yourself. Not that there isn't men who may not be interested, but not every person likes the same thing! And guess what else, not ever may is only interested in body and weight. Surprisingly I've found now that I am a bit older many aren't. Good luck to you! And don't be down on yourself. You deserve love and happiness no matter how much you weigh!

caryesings
06-28-2011, 08:10 AM
Women all shapes and sizes feel alone many time. We all want to be loved and want something special. But, saying it's your weight holding you back I think is wrong. It's your perception of yourself.

I disagree with this. I know I was rejected more than once because of my fat, and people who told me it was my own perception or attitude didn't help. It WAS my weight holding me back. When I lost 100 lbs, men "saw" me again. At 50 years old, nothing else about me had changed. I didn't change how I dressed, how I presented myself, or how I treated other people. What changed is what I looked like. Period.


ButterCup85
06-28-2011, 08:19 AM
I don't know. Was it men that saw you or you that saw you? Even at my highest weight I've never had a problem getting men. Though, I will say there have been some that treated me rudely because of my weight. But, it doesn't mean just because I was treated that way by some or that I couldn't get them all that it really mattered. I think the reason i've been so successful was simply because I have confidence. My good friend worked at a strip club and the biggest stripper there was always the one with the most attention- she just exuded confidence.

There will always be men that treat you differently because of weight, but not all of them. Some of the best guys I've dated was when I was even bigger than I am now. I'm still sticking to my statement, but I understand your side as well.

AnonymouslyYours
06-28-2011, 08:41 AM
I must say, even at my highest weight, I have had no trouble getting guys. I've been in a relationship for the past 5 years, so I haven't really been trying, but almost every guy I am friends with has tried to get me to break up with my boyfriend to date them. Good looking guys that I just meet on my way to school ask for my phone number and if I'm seeing anyone. (I've started walking and taking the bus over to campus because it adds exercise, and I don't have to pay $600 for a parking permit on campus.) Granted, my boyfriend is gorgeous. He's model/actor hot with rippling muscles, 6 pack abs, a strong jawline, blue eyes. So I think that my self-confidence is probably really high. Really cute, thin girls are constantly jealous of me because he won't give them the time of day. (Although, sometimes being 50 lbs overweight, walking around with him makes me feel a little insecure, like people have to be wondering why he's with me.) So I think it does have a lot to do with self-confidence.

That being said, it's REALLY difficult to separate what you see in the mirror from what you imagine everyone else seeing. It is harder to have high-self confidence being overweight. There are days when I get really down on myself. But I also know that NOBODY wants to be around someone who doesn't like who they are, so even when I am feeling really insecure, I fake like I'm not. I just play the part. I'm hoping that this gets easier as I lose weight, but I'm not sure how being overweight for several years is going to have permanently affected my body image.

ShanIAm
06-28-2011, 09:10 AM
I don't really have anything inspiring to add because I know where you are coming from. I have been dumped because of my weight, I dumped someone because of my weight and I was rejected by strangers (online dating) because of my weight. For the past two years I have refused to put myself out there. Oh sure, I was able to find friends with benefits quite easily because I was easy prey. And my confidence level was so low I knew that I'd settle for the first guy who showed me the least bit of attention.

Although this sounds very sad and pathetic, it was actually the best thing I could have done for myself. In those 2 years I learned how to be alone but not feel lonely. I spent time with family and friends and I took the pressure off myself to find a romantic mate. So now that I am back in the dating world, with new found self confidence, I am allowing myself the time to be selective. I did not wait 2 years and bust my butt for the last 7 months to lose weight to revert back to settling.

So use these feelings you have now to motivate you to get healthy both physically and mentally. And you will find that you will feel mentally better about yourself even faster and THAT will give you the confidence that a lot of men LOVE in women of all shapes and sizes. :D

kaycaroline
06-28-2011, 11:29 AM
All I can say is, go for it.

I've had two serious crushes in my life. The first one, I let poor self esteem and thinking "I'm not good enough" stop me from asking him out. We never became more than friends and regret that we never tried something more.

The second one, I knew for two years before I asked out. And now we're going out. I had fully expected it not to work out and I basically just wanted them to know my feelings because I didn't want to regret not telling them like my last crush. It worked. Now, they are one of my major motivations for becoming healthy.

A completely terrifying motto and the one I try to live by: "It's better to regret doing something than to regret not doing something."
I know it's frightening but put yourself out there. Expect disappointment. Embrace pride of shame, be proud of your successes and forget your failures, they don't matter. Be confident, by that I don't mean have it all together. No one has it all figured out. I mean "Speak the truth, even if your voice shakes" (I'm just full of quotes today aren't I?) A lot of the time it won't work out but that was not effort wasted. When it does work out, it's worth it.

If I had some advice on this subject to give the younger less confident me, it would be something like this.

Remember. You are good enough. You don't need to be a certain goal weight to meet people or be happy. Be the embarrassing, shy, clumsy person you are. Talk. Smile. Laugh. The people around you will follow. Try not to see yourself in others. Some people will be smaller, don't hate them for that. Some will be bigger, don't look down on them. You are you, never compare yourself to others. If you have to compare compare to yourself. You're healthier/smarter/happier/whatever than you were a year ago. Self improvement is all about you, not others. You can want improvement and love yourself at the same time, never forget that.

So, that's a little bit of encouragement from my corner of the world. I'm not sure how good I am at giving advice, I just know what I needed to figure out. : )

MissSMcC
06-28-2011, 04:30 PM
thanks everyone xx :)
i feel a bit better now. to be honest, maybe it's best for me not to be in a relationship just now. i have a new job, i'm a single parent, and i'm doing the things i've always wanted to. i know one day i will be ready, but knowing it's not right now doesn't take away the loneliness. i need either a cuddle or a slap, or maybe both haha.

Serbrider
06-28-2011, 08:39 PM
I also think that a LOT of it (not all of it mind you) also has to do with where you live.

I've lived all over the place... and I guess I've been a bit observant. When I was in the richer neighborhoods, like the Memorial area of Houston, or somewhere in Europe... I was ignored. I was the fat girl amongst all the skinny girls.

When I was living in small towns... mostly small towns in Texas... where FAR more of the girls were... a little more endowed when it comes to thickness... more guys paid attention to me.

My personality didn't change (if anything I was more outgoing and happy with myself in the bigger towns where I was ignored... but for different reasons). But the way people viewed women was different.

Of course... depends on the men... but yeah.

Just another thought to throw out there.

krampus
06-28-2011, 08:46 PM
All you can do is try, life is too short to put off until you reach some magic number. Confidence and knowing how to have fun is sexy and attractive. It sounds like you have a lot going on at the moment though, so maybe a ShanIAm-esque "me time" break from worrying about dating would be the best option. Learning to be alone but not lonely is an extremely important lesson and you will emerge ultimately a far more confident person.

:)

lucky8
06-28-2011, 08:47 PM
I must say, even at my highest weight, I have had no trouble getting guys. I've been in a relationship for the past 5 years, so I haven't really been trying, but almost every guy I am friends with has tried to get me to break up with my boyfriend to date them. Good looking guys that I just meet on my way to school ask for my phone number and if I'm seeing anyone. (I've started walking and taking the bus over to campus because it adds exercise, and I don't have to pay $600 for a parking permit on campus.) Granted, my boyfriend is gorgeous. He's model/actor hot with rippling muscles, 6 pack abs, a strong jawline, blue eyes. So I think that my self-confidence is probably really high. Really cute, thin girls are constantly jealous of me because he won't give them the time of day. (Although, sometimes being 50 lbs overweight, walking around with him makes me feel a little insecure, like people have to be wondering why he's with me.) So I think it does have a lot to do with self-confidence.

That being said, it's REALLY difficult to separate what you see in the mirror from what you imagine everyone else seeing. It is harder to have high-self confidence being overweight. There are days when I get really down on myself. But I also know that NOBODY wants to be around someone who doesn't like who they are, so even when I am feeling really insecure, I fake like I'm not. I just play the part. I'm hoping that this gets easier as I lose weight, but I'm not sure how being overweight for several years is going to have permanently affected my body image.


u know ur totally right about nobody wants to be around someone who doesnt like them selfs............its so unattractive .........but reading this has made me realise how i can be towards my partner when im feeling insecure as i dont pretend i make sure he knows ..........he must think im a right wolly. and i must look so unattractive and not in a physical way. It deff is about the confidance and im gona fake it when im feeling like that and hopefully the feelings will fade. I suppose dewelling only makes them worse. thanks for that tiny bit of daily insperation for me :)

AnonymouslyYours
06-28-2011, 08:52 PM
u know ur totally right about nobody wants to be around someone who doesnt like them selfs............its so unattractive .........but reading this has made me realise how i can be towards my partner when im feeling insecure as i dont pretend i make sure he knows ..........he must think im a right wolly. and i must look so unattractive and not in a physical way. It deff is about the confidance and im gona fake it when im feeling like that and hopefully the feelings will fade. I suppose dewelling only makes them worse. thanks for that tiny bit of daily insperation for me :)

Awww : ) I'm glad that I could be a little inspiring! Good luck, girl!!

lucky8
06-28-2011, 08:59 PM
Awww : ) I'm glad that I could be a little inspiring! Good luck, girl!!

you have been , i too was like u full of confidence never had a problem getting blokes now im in long term relationship and put 2 stone on it really knocked me and although my partner never complains about me my little insecure head plays tricks and i convince my self he can do better or even that he wants better ( he does nothing to provoke this ) its all about me and i get in little moods with myself. But its all going to stop as i love him dearly and he wouldnt still be around if he didnt want me , but i know he will fancy me all the more if i drop the drama ........not a dress size ;) i must be a nightmare to live with..............getting ready to go out is rediculous

chickyboo
06-28-2011, 09:00 PM
i think people like people who are comfortable with themselves, regardless of size. it gravitates other people towards you.

exjordanaire
06-29-2011, 02:50 PM
I agree with the idea that it is the good you see inside yourself and not the flaws you see on the outside that attracts people to you.

Sunshine87
06-29-2011, 03:12 PM
I think that it is very realistic for someone to date while they are fuller however, I have not been successful doing so. Mostly because I am not ready. I do not feel comfortable in my own skin and I feel so unattractive that I could not handle the pressure. I need to feel sexy and I have felt that way when I was thinner. Misssmcc- you can date however, it all depends on your confidence and comfort level with dating.

MissSMcC
06-30-2011, 04:49 AM
Sunshine- thats exactly how i feel. i have no problem getting guys, the problem im having is actually having the confidence and self esteem to return their advances.
So really, it's not the actual weight holding me back, it's the feeling i get about myself from having this weight on me. only one way to sort that out :) but seriously, i hate that something that shouldnt matter to me, really does. i know alot of people are losing weight for health reasons and thats so admirable, of course i want to be healthy, but i also want to be happy, and i am not happy fat.

4star
06-30-2011, 09:34 AM
All you can do is try, life is too short to put off until you reach some magic number. Confidence and knowing how to have fun is sexy and attractive. It sounds like you have a lot going on at the moment though, so maybe a ShanIAm-esque "me time" break from worrying about dating would be the best option. Learning to be alone but not lonely is an extremely important lesson and you will emerge ultimately a far more confident person.

:)

I totally agree with this! :hug:

MiZTaCCen
06-30-2011, 09:56 AM
I think that it is very realistic for someone to date while they are fuller however, I have not been successful doing so. Mostly because I am not ready. I do not feel comfortable in my own skin and I feel so unattractive that I could not handle the pressure. I need to feel sexy and I have felt that way when I was thinner. Misssmcc- you can date however, it all depends on your confidence and comfort level with dating.

I agree because I was the same way! I'd go on these dating websites (tho dating websites have a whole different breed of males, I'm done with that crap haha) with pictures that looked good but be so down on myself because I was "chubbier" even though the guys didn't have a problem with it. I was insecure with no confidence and it shows and there for no one wants an insecure "Chubbie" chick. Confidence is the way to go, if you have it flaunt it for sure and if you can fake it do it!

swansong56
06-30-2011, 10:36 AM
Have you seen the movie Under the Tuscan Sun? I so relate to the main character's story, I lived it. There is a scene where a friend of Frances' is telling her a story about a time she wore herself out chasing after ladybugs, yet once she quit chasing them the ladybugs came and landed on her.

After my divorce my first relationship was with a man I at first thought was so different from my ex. Turned out he was just like him, just looked different. Once I realized this I sent him packing, and began to focus on learning who I was. It was a wonderful time in my life, like you stated I started doing all of the things in life I had always wanted to do like scuba diving. It was a wonderful time of personal growth and I the pounds I had gained during my marriage melted off.

desperate99
07-01-2011, 02:28 PM
I told a guy that I liked him once...he totally rejected me. After that I never tried. I have self esteem issues due to my weight, and this even affected some of my friendships. Plus junior college was quite bad for me, I kept getting teased and would be on the verge of tears some days. So I finally decided to try to lose weight...

MedChick87
07-02-2011, 01:35 PM
I think that it is very realistic for someone to date while they are fuller however, I have not been successful doing so. Mostly because I am not ready. I do not feel comfortable in my own skin and I feel so unattractive that I could not handle the pressure. I need to feel sexy and I have felt that way when I was thinner. Misssmcc- you can date however, it all depends on your confidence and comfort level with dating.


I completely agree with this. I'd never tell someone NOT to date while overweight, however I do believe that my weight has held me back from dating. Guys are very visual, and it's hard to have a lot of confidence when you don't feel pretty. I'm still overweight now, but as I've lost almost 50 lbs, I have SO much more confidence, and it's obvious. I do think you should love yourself no matter what weight you are, but I also think it's a LOT easier to do when you can look in the mirror and say, "I'm HOT!"

I just got out of an 8 month relationship, and I started to do the whole online thing...but then I realized I need to take the next few months and focus on myself. There's nothing wrong with being "alone" for a while. To be honest, it's a lot easier to lose weight when you're NOT dating, at least to me.

gsb126
07-12-2011, 06:07 PM
I told a guy that I liked him once...he totally rejected me. After that I never tried. I have self esteem issues due to my weight, and this even affected some of my friendships. Plus junior college was quite bad for me, I kept getting teased and would be on the verge of tears some days. So I finally decided to try to lose weight...


Des, while I think it's awesome that you've decided to focus on you, I'd urge you to let go of what happened. This guy who rejected you is NOT the ultimate authority on whether or not you are worthy to be in a relationship - you are! If you don't have a good support system, you need to take steps to getting one in place. You also need to work on believing in you. You are SO worth fighting for, even if you are the only one doing the fighting.

I'm about 7 months out of my last relationship, having taken some time for myself. I feel that the alone time has been good, but I'm definitely ready for some companionship. I'm not at goal, but I'm almost half way there. I have more confidence and it shows. I've see-sawed about the online dating thing, but I think I do better in person than online. I live in the Austin area, and there are lots of fitness-conscious people here. I'm also a little older (43), which is a problem. Men my age want women in their 20's or 30's, and I'm not ready to settle down with someone in their late 50's or 60's! lol

I've never had men flock around me, but I don't think it has so much to do with the weight as it has my demeanor and personality in general. I consider myself above average in attractiveness, and I definitely don't look my age. Even my dermatologist was surprised at my age - she figured I was in my mid-30's. Some women are just natural magnets, no matter how much they weigh. Other women bury that under low self-esteem that improves once they lose weight. I don't expect to be much more popular with men when I hit goal than I ever have been. We'll see, I guess.

kaplods
07-12-2011, 06:39 PM
I once read a research study that found that men and women who had the most confidence and most happiness with their relationships, actually were rejected far more than those who didn't date much (for whatever reason).

Confident people actually get rejected MORE than shy people, because the put themselves "out there" more and they're not derailed by rejection, they don't take it as personally, and they just move on to the next person and the next opportunity.

Hearing that, changed my life. I realized that dating was a numbers game, the old "to find your prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs."

I may have had to kiss more frogs (well, actually flirt with more frogs, becasue I reserved kissing for only the most prince-like of frogs), but I did eventually find my frog-prince, because I kept looking - and I looked for what I really wanted, not what I thought would impress anyone but me.

swtbttrfly23
07-13-2011, 02:50 AM
I once read a research study that found that men and women who had the most confidence and most happiness with their relationships, actually were rejected far more than those who didn't date much (for whatever reason).

Confident people actually get rejected MORE than shy people, because the put themselves "out there" more and they're not derailed by rejection, they don't take it as personally, and they just move on to the next person and the next opportunity.


Yes, this!! I have been rejected by men I like far more than I care to admit. In fact, just about every guy I've ever seriously liked has rejected me in some way after I've told him. And after each time I've said something, I've told myself I wouldn't do it again. But I still do it. I'm just the kind of person that believes in saying what I feel, even if I'm sure it will hurt in the end, because I know that not saying anything will hurt far more. But I also have had my share of good guys too, and I know that in the end, I will end up with that which I want most. I know that if I keep putting myself out there, eventually it will be right and it will fall into place.

And you know what? I've had a fair share of those 'rejectors' later realize that they made a poor decision in not giving me a chance. But by that time, I had already moved on with my love life. So I'm gonna wait for the one who jumps at the chance, because he's the one who's going to be worth it ;)

Sunshine87
07-13-2011, 03:07 AM
I understand. I have been completely undateable the past 7 1/2 years. I have felt so insecure I could not even dream about going on a date with a guy. I working to change that...