Weight Loss Support - Love life is suffering




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Chris913
06-27-2011, 04:51 PM
No, my love life isn't suffering because of my weight. It's because of my wife's weight.

I'm in fairly decent shape, but my wife has been progressively putting on weight until she's now about 60-80 lbs. or so overweight. It's been getting gradually worse in the last few years, and it's still going. Because I work so hard to keep myself fit, she continually tells me how sexy I am, how good I look without a shirt on, etc., but I can't honestly return the complements except to say how nice a dress is on her or something - a complement based on the clothes, not the body.

Part of me wants to return her complements, but I just finding her increasingly less physically attractive - big shocker there. I love her dearly, and my love isn't based on her weight; I'll love her no matter what. But obviously we all find someone in shape more physically attractive than someone, say, at 500 lbs. Although she appears to be happy when I tell her that I've lost another few pounds or how good I feel after a good workout, she still eats her big bag of chocolates, her ice cream, cookies, pasta, waffles, etc, etc. No slowdown.

(I've noticed that people who care about their bodies and work to stay in shape tend to pair off with others who feel the same way, and those who let themselves go and who couldn't care less how much they weigh also pair off with other overweight people. After all, if you don't care how you look, why should you care how your partner looks?)

So I've given up trying to "convert her" with my talk of personal dieting and exercise (hoping maybe it would rub off on her). She's obviously not ready to lose weight, even if it means that her health is at risk and our love life suffers for it, and it does, believe me. She seems sometimes frustrated that we don't "have fun" more often than we do, but there seems to be a disconnect in her mind of why that might be - hmmm. She even mentioned to me once that maybe I should go see a doctor on account of my lack of libido. Talk about painting me into a corner! The angriest she ever got at me was when I alluded once that she might want to consider losing some weight; she hardly spoke to me for two days. I'm not about to mention it again, and I don't have a problem that a doctor is going to fix.

At this point I continue to buy her her favorite strawberry-swirl ice cream, her M&Ms, her Little Debbie snack cakes, her McDonalds fast food, etc, because I know she enjoys them. If she gains a hundred pounds, well, I don't have any control over that and I can't change her. If she ever does decide to go on a diet, of course I'll encourage her all I can. But I hope she understands that becoming obese carries its own consequences, many of which are more unpleasant than merely being hungry.


nikkinouille
06-27-2011, 05:01 PM
I don't know what to tell you in regards to the first 5 paragraphs... but I will say that if you are buying all the junk food for her then you are *enabling* her. It really isn't fair of you to do that - for her or yourself. Just something to think about.

Lori Bell
06-27-2011, 05:06 PM
Well...I guess there is always Rosey Palms and her 5 sisters.

Sorry, but buying her junk food doesn't make her happy...you know it, she knows it, and I know it. Been there, done that.


guamvixen
06-27-2011, 05:08 PM
HI!

As a former 250 pound wife, my ex husband did just what you did. He asked me about losing weight once, I broke his computer. Childish? yes. Sometimes the truth hurts. But you are doing one thing horribly wrong, you are enabling it. Don't buy her the junk food she enjoys. If she wants it, tell her to go and get it. If she brings it home, throw it away when she's not looking and tell her you ate them. (Ok, that's bad advice but i've been guilty of doing that to my sister)

Does she know she needs to lose weight? For me, I needed an incentive. It took my exhusband to show he was embarrassed of me, and he did not introduce me to his friend we ran into at a festival. I was mortified. But that's all I needed. In the end, I came to find out that he was disgusted by me. I gained 130 lbs while we were together. However, I am now back to my highschool weight, at age 30 thank you very much, and in a new relationship with a man that makes me feel special.

And you are right. We do tend to move towards those who share the same interests. But she's your wife. You love her, you say weight isn't an issue, but you've got to find a way to make her understand that this is affecting you and your relationship. Start small, like I said, don't enable her unhealthy eating. Ask her to go for a walk with you because you want to hold her hand and watch the sunset. You know, that kind of stuff. A friend of mine bought his wife a pair a shorts 2 sizes too small on purpose as an indirect way of telling her something, yeah, they got divorced. It wasn't because of that, it was because he cheated on her. She quickly turned to food and just gained more weight. :(

Chris913
06-27-2011, 05:08 PM
I don't know what to tell you in regards to the first 5 paragraphs... but I will say that if you are buying all the junk food for her then you are *enabling* her. It really isn't fair of you to do that - for her or yourself. Just something to think about.

If I don't buy it for her, she'll get it herself. Now if she were housebound, it would be different. If I refuse to get it when she asks, she'll ask why not, and I could say something tactful like "you don't need it," at which point there would be icy silence from her for a period of time - not something anyone in a relationship enjoys.

lin43
06-27-2011, 05:14 PM
Chris, it will get worse before it gets better, and you need to face that. I would not buy junk food. I would say "Neither one of us needs it, and it's unhealthy, so if you want to buy it, fine, but I won't." She may get ticked off for a few days, but so what? You cannot tiptoe around this forever.

JayEll
06-27-2011, 05:17 PM
Hm, sounds like you needed to vent? Odd that you would choose a forum called 3 Fat Chicks to do it in. How did you think folks here would respond? Most of us identify more with your wife than with you.

I really don't like you feeding her sweets because "she likes them" and then complaining about her size. The least you could do is stop handing her junk food like you think it's OK. She probably has convinced herself that you don't mind her size since you keep bringing her that stuff.

If I were you, I'd figure out all the ways in which you love her and why you married her. No one stays the same forever physically, so I hope you can find something more in your relationship. If not, then be honest. It will not be easy, but it's better than sidestepping the issue indefinitely.

Good luck!
Jay

Lori Bell
06-27-2011, 05:18 PM
If I don't buy it for her, she'll get it herself.

SO? Then let her get it herself.

Now if she were housebound, it would be different. If I refuse to get it when she asks, she'll ask why not, and I could say something tactful like "you don't need it," at which point there would be icy silence from her for a period of time - not something anyone in a relationship enjoys.

You don't have to say it that way. You can say, "I'm not going by the store on my way home". OR "I forgot my wallet". If there is a will, there is a way to not hurt her feelings. She'll get the message.

rmc9142
06-27-2011, 05:20 PM
OK, I'll jump in. First, I think you might be a bit surprised at the reaction you get around here. But, I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and accept that you're really worried about your wife's health (and not just your love life or the fact that you're now with someone who doesn't "pair up" with you).


At this point I continue to buy her her favorite strawberry-swirl ice cream, her M&Ms, her Little Debbie snack cakes, her McDonalds fast food, etc, because I know she enjoys them. If she gains a hundred pounds, well, I don't have any control over that and I can't change her. If she ever does decide to go on a diet, of course I'll encourage her all I can. But I hope she understands that becoming obese carries its own consequences, many of which are more unpleasant than merely being hungry.

My husband used to do the same thing, but it really was a passive aggressive, easy way of "making me happy". (It makes me way happier to go on a walk and spend time with him than to sit and eat ice cream by myself.)

Don't buy the junk. If she asks why you didn't buy it, why not try, "I don't want to be tempted to eat it. We should both try to be a little healthier. How about a walk after dinner?"

If you take an accusatory tone with me, I'm not going to listen (or speak to you). But, if your approach includes the both of us, you'll have my interest.

I'm not saying your wife's weight issue is your fault, but I don't think blaming her entirely is the solution either.

BTW, if she buys the junk herself, you really can't do much about it. But, as a current (and soon to be former!) fattie, I can tell you, it is not a pleasant experience to waddle up to the counter to buy junk food. I don't think she'll do it as often as you think.

Good luck to you both!

alaskanlaughter
06-27-2011, 05:20 PM
telling her "you don't need it" is not tactful LOL sorry....a tactful way to put it would be to talk more of yourself, for instance "i feel bad when i buy you unhealthy foods and i can't keep doing that"

you sound angry over the less-frequent "having fun" and like you want her to suffer that as a consequence for gaining weight...at some point, i think you will need to be tactfully honest about how it's affecting your relationship with her or this will continue to be a downward spiral

Lori Bell
06-27-2011, 05:21 PM
Hm, sounds like you needed to vent? Odd that you would choose a forum called 3 Fat Chicks to do it in. How did you think folks here would respond? Most of us identify more with your wife than with you.

I really don't like you feeding her sweets because "she likes them" and then complaining about her size. The least you could do is stop handing her junk food like you think it's OK. She probably has convinced herself that you don't mind her size since you keep bringing her that stuff.

If I were you, I'd figure out all the ways in which you love her and why you married her. No one stays the same forever physically, so I hope you can find something more in your relationship. If not, then be honest. It will not be easy, but it's better than sidestepping the issue indefinitely.

Good luck!
Jay
EXACTLY JAY! I couldn't have said it better. So true.

geoblewis
06-27-2011, 05:25 PM
If you can't talk to your wife about how her weight gain is affecting you, then you two have a communication issue. Yes, she's going to feel hurt by it. But you're feeling hurt as well and it's not going to get better. You're just going to get more and more resentful. You might see if you can find a counselor who will help you figure out how to talk to her about it or would have a safe place for the both of you to go where you can be supported in this conversation.

I won't even address why she's chosing to eat the way that she's eating, but you can stop buying the stuff for her. You know that. You can stop participating in things that enable that sort of eating. You can also stop talking about how great you're doing with your weight loss. It might feel kinda "in your face" to her.

Keep telling her how much you love her and why. If you're not feeling a compliment on how she looks, don't make one up. Be genuine in your love for her.

I slowly gained 170 lbs over the course of my marriage of 26 years. It did affect my marriage. I wasn't ready to let go of overeating because it served a purpose. It made me feel safe and not invisible. I also had issues with having been molested as a child, and later suffered emotional abuse. When I worked through a lot of my history and started to feel stronger and whole, I stopped overeating and started losing weight by eating very healthfully and exercising. I lost a lot, but it was too late to keep X from making really stupid life-choices. X was very cruel, covertly, and couldn't communicate to me at all about what was going on. He's since moved on to a new wife who is very much the opposite of me, tiny, submissive and unable to communicate in English. And I am much happier without his secret resentments and even more secretive behaviors that do NOT make for a happy marriage.

alaskanlaughter
06-27-2011, 05:32 PM
i'm not stupid and i'm not blind and I KNOW when i'm gaining weight LOL!...and, yes, sometimes DH will let me know that i'm gaining a little bit of weight...granted, i haven't gained as much as 60-80 pounds during our 8-year relationship, not even when i was pregnant, but my holiday baking usually catches up to me after the holidays...DH will let me know respectfully and tactfully that i'm putting on a little weight and, yes, it's somewhat hurtful but I ALREADY KNOW that anyhow...and then i usually work to get those pounds back off...i've maintained at about 205-210 for years and now i'm ready to work at losing more weight

squishy lee
06-27-2011, 05:33 PM
This post really hit home for me...I'm the overweight wife in this senerio. Not Chris's (I don't think :) but a chubby wife non the less. I know my husband feels the same way and I know that my weight is the reason our love life is lacking to say the least.
I'm trying...starting to run (or walk until I can run more). Counting calories, etc. BUT my question is this....

Say I get back down to 130 (the day we met weight) from my current 190, how do I overcome the hurt from knowing that my husband didn't/doesn't want me at 190? Part of me says "I'll lose all the weight and then find someone that's attracted to me and doesn't know I was fat"...I know it's stupid but its hard not to want to "punish" my hubs for not liking me thick or thin....
I'm just the type of person that HATES to admit when I was wrong...Isn't losing the weight and then becoming more "loving" ;) just admiting that he was right and I was this awful beast not worth loving?

PacSunMama
06-27-2011, 05:43 PM
I don't know your relationship with your wife, but it sounds like you're torn between your needs and her emotional happiness. I think that's okay- sex IS a part of a relationship and if it's a need that you have then it's okay to "want" what you really want. You want a healthy wife, and that's okay (I don't like that others are insinuating you're just a sex-crazed heartless guy)

I would honestly approach her very gently and let her know how much you love her and how much you appreciate her. But you need to tell her that you're concerned about her HEALTH, not about her weight/appearance/jean size. Tell her how much you want her around so you can spend your lives together, how much her health matters to your children/or future kids if that's in the plans. Let her know that you love and support her no matter what, but that if the roles were reversed, you would want her to step in and help you out of this cycle too.

Most importantly, she needs to know that you love her no matter what. She needs to FEEL that you will support her no matter what. Sex... that will come and go, and if you indicate that it's "her" fault for you not wanting to have sex, that will bring you down a long and nasty path of distrust.

If you want to help your wife get healthier, you need to jump in and TELL HER how you feel, gently and with kind, good intentions. Also, you need to stop enabling her bad habits. Help her make better ones! Instead of fast food, recommend a recipe so-and-so shared with you and you really want to try it with her. Or let her know that it would mean a lot to you to have her come to the gym with you. Walk with her on the treadmills, or even better, outside. Share this whole journey with her and let her know how much it would mean to you if she will become a part of it and take her health back!

Do this all with kindness and love... and it will reignite your sex life before she even loses 10 pounds. Because I can tell, this is not solely about her weight/appearance, but her behavior and addiction to food, which is something you're not included in. Good luck to you.

TooManyDimples
06-27-2011, 05:46 PM
My husband used to enable me a LOT. I'd get a craving, I'd send him out for it. He knew I wanted to lose weight, and everytime I fell off the wagon and wanted a treat he felt like he was enabling me by getting it for me. We got into a few really big fights because he finally told me that he wasn't going to do that anymore. I was mad at him during the time, but looking back it was worth it. Not that it makes any sense, but I think I felt less guilty eating it when someone else went and got it for me.

We don't know if your wife actually has any desire to lose weight, but if she does then in the long run not enabling her can go a long way and she may even thank you for it someday. I agree with everyone else. The first thing you need to do is take yourself out of the equation that you obviously don't even want to be a part of. If you're not willing to do that, then you really don't have anything to complain about.

Nola Celeste
06-27-2011, 05:47 PM
Is it just me, or does anyone else catch the acrid scent of a troll's breath here?

On the off chance that you really are a guy who just can't understand how his wife could get so fat on the junk food he buys her and who appears to think that her weight changes are important only as they relate to his degree of arousal, I'll answer as helpfully as I can manage.

- Stop buying the junk. Neither of you needs it. Why have it in the house if it presents a temptation to her and doesn't do you any good? Yes, she might buy it herself. Yes, you might be inconvenienced at not having your favorite snack foods in the house. But it'll mean that you are no longer directly and demonstrably part of the problem.

- Broaden your horizons--literally. Okay, I get that a 100-pound weight gain is going to change how people interact romantically and how a partner perceives the person who's gained. What I don't get is that you literally have nothing kind to say to her, according to your post, except for token compliments to her clothing--never her body, heavens no. She doesn't have beautiful hair? She doesn't have a knockout smile? She doesn't have pretty hands to kiss or feet to massage? She doesn't feel good? She doesn't smell good? There are literally no praiseworthy aspects of her now that she's gained weight? That tells me you think appearance is the only thing that matters, and that's an awfully narrow way to live life. Look for different types of beauty in her; one day you'll both be old and wrinkly, so you'd better have some practice looking beyond your wife's lack of a Barbie body and stop being disappointed that real life can't be Photoshopped.

- People treat others as they want to be treated. If she's complimenting you (by the way, that word takes an "i," not an "e," unless you're trying to say she completes you), it's probably because she feels the lack of your compliments acutely. Fix that. Yeah, you might have to look past your own preferences a little, but try it. No, it won't help her lose weight so she can more closely resemble your ideas of how she should look, but it will make her happy--and making your spouse happy is always a good thing. Just think of how nice you feel when she says all those kind things to you!

- Rephrase your comments. Just about any of us--including you--would be wounded irrevocably by being told outright that we were no longer attractive enough to be worthy of our spouse's physical affection. There's no nice way to say that. But if you both work toward getting healthier, then you can open a dialogue with her about your concerns in that arena. How she looks may affect YOU more, but how she feels should affect both of you--and that should be something you two can talk about without rancor. You have to really mean it, though; don't use the "I'm concerned for your health" talk as a means to induce her to fit into a bikini better for your own sake.

- Don't assume she doesn't care how she looks. A lot of people who are plenty fat are also quite appearance-conscious, and not in the negative sense. If she takes care of her appearance in other ways--nice clothes, hair fixed, nails neat, smelling sweet--it would be downright bizarre to say she "doesn't care how she looks." She may not care that she's fat, but "fat" and "ugly" are not synonyms any more than "thin" and "beautiful" are; one look at Olive Oyl proves the lie of that statement. :)

As much as your post riled me (c'mon, you posted on a site called 3 Fat Chicks about how your wife's weight affects your libido?), I do feel for partners who are dealing with major changes in their spouse's appearance. Someone who thinks big bodies are especially sexy might be similarly distressed to find their partner losing weight. Someone might lose a body part to injury or illness. Someone might go bald or gray. And we all get older and droopier. It's tough to cope with those changes. I get it.

But it seems that you have done virtually nothing to help her aside from make a couple of mean-spirited comments that you'd feel friskier if she felt lighter and talk about your own fitness in hopes that you'd inspire her. This is a problem that you both need to work on, so maybe it's time for some counseling--for both of you if possible, just for you if she's unwilling or if you're too fearful to ask her.

I still suspect this thread of being a big hairy warty troll-fest, by the way. I find it interesting that you listed all those foods so specifically. Closet feeder, perhaps?

bargoo
06-27-2011, 05:48 PM
Sounds to me that you might have a bit of a control issue here. Look at your own actions and need to control your wifes diet. That is her business as to what she wants to do. Stop buying junk food, your actions must be very confusing to your wife.









.

blueheron777
06-27-2011, 05:48 PM
I think you need to be honest with your wife about how you feel about her as an intimate partner. You could do this the next time she hints about getting close or you could ask her to sit down at some point for a serious talk.

What you are describing is a major issue for couples. Her over-eating can be viewed as an addiction, which you are currently enabling by buying her fattening foods. Given that marriage involves fidelity to one's partner and men require an a attractive partner to get physically interested, what you are both doing is creating a very bad situation.

Sounds like you are unhappy but don't want to upset your wife. Instead you are continuing to supply the very things that contribute to the problem. It won't be pretty or pleasant, but you need to be open about how you feel. She can react however she is going to react, but once you have laid out your position, things won't be the same ever again. Either she will feel motivated to work on her weight, or she will withdraw and continue to eat junk. Then you have a decision to make: live like siblings or move on.

And again, STOP buying her her fattening treats. You are part of the problem.

TooManyDimples
06-27-2011, 05:54 PM
Also wanted to add, Thank God my husband loves me and is attracted to me no matter what weight!

MariaMaria
06-27-2011, 06:08 PM
You're the second "husband"/"partner" who's shown up here in recent days with a fat wife post.

Is there a link to 3FC on some men's or *-stirring forum?

fatferretfanatic
06-27-2011, 06:10 PM
I am also a chubby wife in a scenario that is similar to this. No, my husband wasn't mean or rude or excessive in voicing his opinions, or really, worries. Before we got married, he knew I was prone to gaining weight, and did voice his worries then. He did talk to me about it, but honestly, it didn't matter. I was going to be overweight no matter what he said, because I wasn't ready. He enabled me, which I don't think you should do if it bothers you, and didn't have particularly healthy habits so for a long while, I thought, why should he get to sit on his a$$ while I am working mine off every day?? And when I was doing it because I thought it would make him happier, I failed. Now, I am a lot more successful in my endeavors because I am ready for me and me alone. I am sure that my marriage will reap the benefits, but I cannot tell you enough that if you pressure her before her 'aha' moment comes, she will not only resent you but will not do any better in her weight loss efforts for more than a few weeks/months. I am not being pessimistic, but motivation comes from within. Now, I am doing so much better. This time, I know I am not going to be a big wife in a year from now, in years from now. But, you married her, and if you choose to stay married to her, the best you can really do is love her, support her, don't buy her junk food (just say you don't want to be tempted, even if she buys it herself, you don't have to do it), and suggest maybe you should do more physical activities together and spend more time together. I know I ate a lot to cope with my loneliness. The first year of my marriage was the loneliest I have ever been in my life because of all of my self loathing and the fact that hubby played computer for 10-18 hours a day, most nights not even bothering to come to bed. And, if you choose to accept her unconditionally, that also means that if her 'aha' moment never comes, you have to love her anyway and choose to live without more sex if you honestly can't bring yourself to be with her intimately. I sympathize with you, but I have seen the other side of the coin and believe me it is just as hard if not harder living with yourself when you know you've got to change but aren't ready. I am happy that I do have a husband that has decided to love me through thick and thin even though I know he would worry less about my well being if I were a healthier weight. He is now starting to do more physical activity and is joining the navy in Sept., so he is going to be training to be in basic which is physically demanding. One of my main encouragements was that, I didn't want to be inactive while he was working so hard. When your spouse has your back and really undergoes your journey with you, it usually yields amazing results.

alaskanlaughter
06-27-2011, 06:13 PM
You're the second "husband"/"partner" who's shown up here in recent days with a fat wife post.

Is there a link to 3FC on some men's or *-stirring forum?

LMAO!!

berryblondeboys
06-27-2011, 06:19 PM
I could be the wife in this scenario too - even the weight gain. And honestly, I totally get it. But with being the wife, I also can imagine how she feels. She feels SCARED. She knows the weight is an issue, but until she is ready to tackle it, she is stuck. She probably doesn't feel she can do it and is scared that she is going to lose you in the midst of it.

I have so been there. I have a wonderful husband who, like you, loved me at whatever size, but was worried about the weight, discouraged by my eating and our sex life started to disappear. He never,ever said it was my weight because it was so much more than the weight as I'm sure it is with you too.

Honestly, there is nothing my husband could have said or done that would have worked to get me to want to lose the weight. Ok, I don't know if he had given me an ultimatum how that would have worked, but he didn't want to LEAVE me, he just wasn't as happy as he wanted to be.

I'm sure you would even find that if she just got more active and started show more care in her appearance and healthy eating, you would find your attraction returning. There's something sexy about a person taking care of themselves.

My guess is your wife is hurting. And I know you are hurting. And I'm sorry for both of you. I don't have words of wisdom, but I get it from both sides.

BodyByButter
06-27-2011, 06:20 PM
I relate to a lot of this, as the wife. It's true that when it's you, you KNOW you are fat, you KNOW you shouldn't eat those things. But, no one can make you want it but you.

Now, there are ways to help make her want it. My husband loves me no matter what, and I know that. But the day he said to me, "You are the love of my life. I want to grow old with you, and I'm concerned that if we don't both make some changes, we won't be able to do that" was a real wake up call. Now we are eating healthy together, and I haven't felt judged by him for a single day. Maybe try an approach like that?

luckymommy
06-27-2011, 06:20 PM
I can sense a great deal of resentment oozing out of your post. As someone who has struggled with weight for my entire adult life, I can tell you that it's not a pleasant thing. Nobody actually enjoys it. I can also tell you that as much as I like the taste of certain foods, I mainly use it to numb certain unpleasant feelings. So, what is going on with your wife? Why do you think she overeats? If you can figure that out, I think you can be a huge support for her. If you truly love one another and have a deep connection mentally, then she can eventually open up to you and that is where you can find the road to progress.

I think being concerned about a partner's health doesn't have anything to do with physical beauty...or at least it doesn't have to. If you act concerned about her health (not weight) and tell her you want her to be around for a long time and insist that she go to the doctor to have a physical...I think she will start to see you more as a partner and a support, rather than someone who makes her insecure.

There's a lot more I can say about this, but I'll leave it at this since you already got a lot of advice.

Kendrab1223
06-27-2011, 06:21 PM
For some reason, I don't think he is a troll. I'll probably not be liked by some for what I have to say, but...

When my hubby and I got together, I was chubby and he was skinny (me- a little over 200/him 140 soaking wet). After losing some weight, then gaining some weight (kids), a year ago I was a few pounds over where I started when we got together. He has gained about 50 pounds and I am down 81.

Like the OP, I buy my husband the bad foods. It just works out easier that I go do the grocery shopping while he stays home with the kids. If I don't buy him the bad foods, we'll be back at the grocery store getting them anyway. When I first started my journey, he did too. He lost 10 pounds then fell off the wagon. I have suggested he get back on it, but he doesn't want to and has made it very clear that my comments piss him off. I no longer make them. Any of them. It is his body and if/when he is ready to lose weight, I'll be there to support him. Does it sometimes upset me that he's 50 pounds heavier than when we got together? Yup. Does it sometimes upset me that he will devour pizza, cookies, chips, etc WHILE I am doing my 30 day shred or EA Active in the same room? Yup. Am I still attracted to him even though he has gained the weight? Yup. It doesn't mean that I DON'T want him to lose it, though.

I don't think it is right to flame the OP for his feelings. Why should he stop buying her the foods she wants? Why should he be the one to get the silent treatment for days because he's trying to be honest with her. If she's not ready to lose the weight, she's not ready. It doesn't make his feelings any less valid.

berryblondeboys
06-27-2011, 06:21 PM
I relate to a lot of this, as the wife. It's true that when it's you, you KNOW you are fat, you KNOW you shouldn't eat those things. But, no one can make you want it but you.

Now, there are ways to help make her want it. My husband loves me no matter what, and I know that. But the day he said to me, "You are the love of my life. I want to grow old with you, and I'm concerned that if we don't both make some changes, we won't be able to do that" was a real wake up call. Now we are eating healthy together, and I haven't felt judged by him for a single day. Maybe try an approach like that?

My husband said this too. It didn't change things for me (at the time) but I didn't get angry at him because I could see how this affected him as much as it affected me.

BodyByButter
06-27-2011, 06:25 PM
Melissa, I just read your blog. I think you and I have a lot in common!

K9Owner
06-27-2011, 06:26 PM
I've been on both sides of this fence--as the "getting heavier spouse" & now married to the "getting heavier spouse".

It sucks both ways.

I TOTALLY empathize with you.

RJ 1980
06-27-2011, 06:27 PM
Squishy Lee you touched on a great point! I too relate to Chris's wife, but thankfully my husband didn't feel the same way as Chris does. When we got married I weighed less than 110 lbs, and within 5 years I had gotten up to 195. (!!) Admittedly while we were dating and the first few years of marriage, I found security and confidence in being the 'more attractive' of the two of us. So when I started to gain, I lost that and was scared of how my husband would view me, scared of finding out some of his love for me may have been based on my looks. Now I'm not saying he was blind to my weight gain, I definitely noticed the compliments I used to get I no longer heard... no more, "You look so hot!" or "You look so great in that outfit!" Because frankly, I was NOT hot and didn't look great in any outfits. To tell me so would have been a lie. But our love life never suffered- well that's not true, it DID suffer, but only b/c I felt disgusting and had no confidence or desire to be seen naked. But I never felt one ounce less loved or cherished by my husband. Now that I'm losing the weight, (and I will lose it all!), that will always be with me and I'll always feel an even deeper love for my husband b/c of it. (When I'm back to the thin woman he married, he will be hugely rewarded. ;) lol.) Chris, you might be saying, "You can't help what you do/don't find attractive", but this is your wife we are talking about here! I don't know if you have kids, but let me tell you even when I was thin my 9 month pregnant body was not exactly desirable! Luckily my husband thought differently, but what would you do then? Also I'm going to assume that you don't find elderly women attractive, but one day your wife will be one, probably with saggy skin and boobs down to her belly button! What is your plan for then? I think you need to start concentrating on your love and bond with your wife when it comes to the bedroom, not just how she doesn't measure up physically.

As far as enabling, so far you've gotten lots of great advice on how to say no without being hurtful. Say, "We don't need that crap, and I'm afraid I'll eat it if I'm around it." Or, "Let's get something healthier and eat together, then go for a walk. I want to spend some quality time with you doing something productive."

I'm also wondering if deep down your wife DOES know that your love life is suffereing b/c of her weight. She just doesn't want to bring it up b/c it's embarrassing and it hurts. Who knows, maybe that's part of why she's eating crap. All you can do is make her feel loved WHILE trying to encourage her to be healthy. In the meantime really try to make an effort in the bedroom to see her as the woman you love and not just a body. To me married sex is so much more than the physical. My husband has never been really overweight, but he's had some weight fluctuations that have left him with a bit of a jelly belly that wasn't sexy in the least. :) It never affected our love life b/c there is more to our intimacy than looking good for each other. Until your wife is ready to change, all you can do is be supportive and try to strengthen your bond with each other.

khat
06-27-2011, 06:52 PM
I agree with PacSunMama. I also don't think you are some kind of sex crazed shallow person who wants a perfect wife. But I know I would be super sad if my husband told me he doesn't want to have sex because I gained weight. No matter how you sugarcoat it.. But maybe if you try to do things together. Walks, healthy lunches, whatever.. Thats how I try with my boyfriend. But he's still having pancakes for dinner..

Nola Celeste
06-27-2011, 07:00 PM
I don't think it is right to flame the OP for his feelings. Why should he stop buying her the foods she wants? Why should he be the one to get the silent treatment for days because he's trying to be honest with her. If she's not ready to lose the weight, she's not ready. It doesn't make his feelings any less valid.

I like you fine and respect your honesty. :)

I didn't intend my post as a flame; I don't flame here. This isn't the forum for that. It should feel like a safe place to talk for everyone, even those with whom I disagree vehemently. If I were to flame the guy, he'd know he got singed. ;)

He shouldn't get the silent treatment for days, I agree. And yes, he is absolutely within his rights to have feelings, even if those feelings aren't always sweet and kind and loving; we all have our ungracious and even ugly moments. His wife gets her share of the responsibility for any friction, just as is almost always the case with any discord. It IS tough to watch someone change so drastically that he or she becomes almost unrecognizable, and it's worse when any attempt to discuss that results in cold rage.

But I respectfully disagree that he should continue to buy her the foods she likes if he resents her weight gain. Would I buy a loved one a drink because he enjoyed them, then bemoan the fact that he's an alcoholic and say "Oh, I just can't stand it when he's drunk?" Should I give my cat a toy that squeaks, then complain that the sound is driving me up a wall?

He needs to stop tacitly condoning her behavior while explicitly punishing her for it. He can't have it both ways, on the one hand stuffing her with her favorite foods and on the other reviling her fat.

I think my biggest issue and the thing that said "troll" to me was the fact that he so clearly does revile her. "Oozing resentment" was the phrase another poster used, I think, and it's accurate. He assumes that she "just doesn't care" about her appearance. He can't think of a single kind thing to say about her physical appearance--not even about her skin or her eyes or her hair or other things that don't change much with weight gain, nothing at all. He appears to assume that the reason she should lose weight is to meet his sexual needs, not to become healthier or more confident for her own sake.

I don't know, all that stuff plus the feeding just rubbed me very much the wrong way and I do still suspect some trollery.

Lovely
06-27-2011, 07:05 PM
Straight up: I don't have much sympathy for you, but I think JayEll and Nola Celeste had the best advice given your situation.

I couldn't disagree more with all your rampant generalizations, but you might legitimately have a problem with your situation, and so...

First. Stop enabling your wife. If she wants to eat things that you don't want to eat, then she's an adult and can buy them for herself. My own husband eats a lot of tortilla chips that I don't want. He buys them on his own. He's a big boy, and can decide for himself.

Second. Learn some tact. If you have a problem, there are clear, but gentle ways to bring it to someone's attention.

Third. Couples Counseling. Seriously. It can be handy for lots of situations.

Best of luck to both you and your wife during this time.

Lori Bell
06-27-2011, 07:17 PM
trollery...LOVE IT! lol

Oh shucks, I don't know, but I just hate post like these...from men, who are grossed out by their fat wives. Maybe it is because I was super-morbidly obese at one time, and my husband had to have issues with me. I mean...how could he not? I was a porker. I was fat and disgusting, and I'm sure even the plain old fat girls looked good to him at some point. The funny thing is, even when we lose weight, there are still problems...next it will be the loose skin, or the saggy boobs...there will always be flaws to complain about. ugh.

MariaMaria
06-27-2011, 07:37 PM
The funny thing is, even when we lose weight, there are still problems...next it will be the loose skin, or the saggy boobs...there will always be flaws to complain about. ugh.

And this matters so much because we're all partnered with GQ models with washboard abs and full heads of hair.

luckymommy
06-27-2011, 07:47 PM
And this matters so much because we're all partnered with GQ models with washboard abs and full heads of hair.


:rofl:

Nola Celeste
06-27-2011, 08:03 PM
Oh shucks, I don't know, but I just hate post like these...from men, who are grossed out by their fat wives. Maybe it is because I was super-morbidly obese at one time, and my husband had to have issues with me. I mean...how could he not? I was a porker. I was fat and disgusting, and I'm sure even the plain old fat girls looked good to him at some point. The funny thing is, even when we lose weight, there are still problems...next it will be the loose skin, or the saggy boobs...there will always be flaws to complain about. ugh.

My husband met me when I weighed 125ish pounds and he's seen me reach pretty close to double that. Posts like the OP's are uncomfortable for me for the same reason: I see too much of myself in the guy's wife, and it puts my back up to think that my husband may have felt this way about me at my biggest.

Then I take a deep breath and realize that it couldn't have been the case. Oh, I know he probably remembered being able to pick me up and carry me or going to places that required some walking and not having to wait for me to catch my breath. But at my absolute biggest, he never made me feel as though I "just didn't care" about myself or that I turned him off completely--not even if, in his heart of hearts, he wasn't as physically aroused at the sight of 230-pound me as he was at 130-pound me.

He never forced me to know that about him, and I love him for that.

Now that I'm losing weight and feeling more energetic, I'm paying him back for his sensitivity to me. He deserves some serious praise for that, and when I read posts like this, I realize just how lucky I am. Don't know what I'd have done if the guy had treated me like every gained pound was done expressly to tick him off like the OP's wife is getting.

berryblondeboys
06-27-2011, 09:18 PM
Melissa, I just read your blog. I think you and I have a lot in common!

that can be the good stuff, the bad stuff or all the stuff - so I don't know to say, "sorry!" or "yay!" :D

LadyWraith
06-27-2011, 10:02 PM
I actually feel pretty bad for you. Honestly, I think a lot of people have misinterpreted the point you are trying to make. I understand exactly what you are saying. You adore your wife. You feel bad that she's continually gaining weight and don't want to see her develop health problems associated with the gain. However, when it comes down to it... PHYSICAL attraction is directly related to visual stimulus for men. Yes, yes there are emotions that come into play as well but generally speaking, men are much more visual creatures than women (hence the popularity of porn.) Not all men are that way but this poster has specifically stated it is that way for him. I don't know how anyone expects him to change what is a physical turn on for him. He stated he cares about her health, loves her to death but is having a hard time being attracted to her with the weight gain.

That being said, I think you need to be honest with her. As another poster stated, who cares if she's mad at you for a little while? I'm not saying be rude or blunt. I mean have a very heart felt conversation. Sit her down and really pour your heart out about how worried you are. I *personally* would want someone to do this to me and as a matter of fact, I wish someone HAD. I might not be where I am today at 70 lbs overweight if someone had intervened. Treat her like a princess; maybe the reason she's eating the way she is has something to do with how she's feeling. Sounds like you need to communicate more as well. Prompt her to open up to you about things that are bothering her. Be a shoulder for her to cry on. Pick up her favorite flowers on your way home one day. Send her a random text telling her how amazing she is. I can tell you, my boyfriend is a stickler for doing this type of thing and I love it. Like others have said, get her to go for a walk with you. Ask her to help you cook a healthy meal to eat together and you want her company. There are ways to go about this without hurting her feelings too badly. Think like a woman basically.

fitness4life
06-27-2011, 10:06 PM
I liked pacsun's response. This is a tricky situation.

Have you ever watched the discovery health channel show on the super obese called Heavy? These people are usually abusive shut ins with an enabler. Yeah. I said abusive. Manipulating another to do what you want for you by "punishing" with the silent treatment or yelling and such.

It must be very difficult to be in love with someone who won't see their own problem, or at least sees the problem but wants to keep that problem.

My bf is heavier than I'd like. Luckily, he still has amazing muscles, they're just covered with inches of fat, mostly in his belly, and I am so so so attracted to him. Yes, his weight gain has effected our love life. There are certain positions that aren't as satisfying as they were 25 lbs ago. He only prefers the less physically active position. Which, luckily, is still extremely satisfying to me.

The problem is, I want it more than he does.

So when I compare your situation to mine, I think there is a deeper issue. Maybe you don't want sex as much with her not so much because of the physical attraction part, but maybe her behavior towards you is the problem.

Forget about getting her to exercise. Perhaps it's time to consider marriage therapy. just a couple of sessions may be all you need.

Either way, not that you indicated this in any way, but please NEVER go "elsewhere" for sex. If you don't survive this bump in the road, it's far worse to be labeled an adulterer than it is to be labeled a fit guy who was suffering from lack of attraction to his wife.

Another thing to consider: How would you feel if she rejected you if you became disabled? In a way, huge weight gain is like a disability. She must feel hurt.

best wishes

Chris913
06-28-2011, 09:44 AM
Is it just me, or does anyone else catch the acrid scent of a troll's breath here?

Why are you calling me a troll?

On the off chance that you really are a guy who just can't understand how his wife could get so fat on the junk food he buys her and who appears to think that her weight changes are important only as they relate to his degree of arousal, I'll answer as helpfully as I can manage.

Wow - you are really reading into my words what's not there. Very "helpful" post there.

I never said that her weight changes are important only as far as my "degree of arousal" goes. Please don't put words in my mouth and misrepresent me. You make me out to be some kind of self-centered, sex-hungry pig. I'm concerned with her weight in more ways than merely our love life (like her health, for example, which I also mentioned in the post, which you must have missed). It's only on one aspect of her weight gain that I wanted to post on.

sacha
06-28-2011, 09:51 AM
I actually feel pretty bad for you. Honestly, I think a lot of people have misinterpreted the point you are trying to make. I understand exactly what you are saying. You adore your wife. You feel bad that she's continually gaining weight and don't want to see her develop health problems associated with the gain. However, when it comes down to it... PHYSICAL attraction is directly related to visual stimulus for men. Yes, yes there are emotions that come into play as well but generally speaking, men are much more visual creatures than women (hence the popularity of porn.) Not all men are that way but this poster has specifically stated it is that way for him. I don't know how anyone expects him to change what is a physical turn on for him. He stated he cares about her health, loves her to death but is having a hard time being attracted to her with the weight gain.

That being said, I think you need to be honest with her. As another poster stated, who cares if she's mad at you for a little while? I'm not saying be rude or blunt. I mean have a very heart felt conversation. Sit her down and really pour your heart out about how worried you are. I *personally* would want someone to do this to me and as a matter of fact, I wish someone HAD. I might not be where I am today at 70 lbs overweight if someone had intervened. Treat her like a princess; maybe the reason she's eating the way she is has something to do with how she's feeling. Sounds like you need to communicate more as well. Prompt her to open up to you about things that are bothering her. Be a shoulder for her to cry on. Pick up her favorite flowers on your way home one day. Send her a random text telling her how amazing she is. I can tell you, my boyfriend is a stickler for doing this type of thing and I love it. Like others have said, get her to go for a walk with you. Ask her to help you cook a healthy meal to eat together and you want her company. There are ways to go about this without hurting her feelings too badly. Think like a woman basically.

I agree with LadyWraith. I understand a lot of women are hurt by your thread but I also think some people may be projecting their anger. The reality is this - many men AND women may lose sexual interest in a spouse with a large weight gain. An unfortunate fact. The question is, what can he do to reconcile his feelings and hers?

fattymcfatty
06-28-2011, 09:58 AM
Chris, I think you got a lot of positive feedback and responses and advice from the various people here...the big issue I see is the junk food buying, as from what everyone else says. I think this is the first positive change you could do. My husband had high cholesterol, and while we've always rocked it in the bedroom, I was scared I'd lose him. He's at goal weight now, once in awhile he'll have bacon or something high in cholesterol, but he gets it himself--I never buy these things.

Chris913
06-28-2011, 10:12 AM
Have you ever watched the discovery health channel show on the super obese called Heavy? These people are usually abusive shut ins with an enabler. Yeah. I said abusive. Manipulating another to do what you want for you by "punishing" with the silent treatment or yelling and such.

You bring up some interesting points. Yes, I've watched the show Heavy. I loved to watch it, mainly because I see people who are very motivated and who work hard to get to their goals. They really motivate me to do well, also.

So when I compare your situation to mine, I think there is a deeper issue. Maybe you don't want sex as much with her not so much because of the physical attraction part, but maybe her behavior towards you is the problem.

Actually, her behavior is exemplary toward me and I love sex. But the heavier she gets, the less I desire it. Sometimes women forget how visual men are. I think sometimes women tend to want to read between the lines and look for answers that are right there in front of them.

So can you love someone and be angry with them? Sure. So, I find myself angry with her while I still love her. We were both very active and weight conscious when we married not that long back, and I find myself now angry with her that she seems to love food more than she loves me (this is what my emotions are telling me). She knows how displeasing being obese is to me, yet I see her as in effect saying, "Yes, I know you don't like me being heavy, but I don't care - I'm going to eat anyway." So I get angry. No doubt there's a flaw in this line of thinking, but if I were talking to a psychologist, that's what I'd tell him.

Another thing to consider: How would you feel if she rejected you if you became disabled? In a way, huge weight gain is like a disability. She must feel hurt.

Well, you're comparing apples with oranges. Being disabled, like getting old and wrinkled, is something out of our control and something I would never hold against her. Weight gain is not a disability. Because so many people in this country are obese, it's become trendy to call being overweight a "disability" in order to not offend 60% of the adult population. If I'm paralyzed in a car wreck, it's a tragedy and something I can't help. If I become obese because I overeat, I willfully got myself there and I can also reverse it if I choose.

You have to realize that for years I wouldn't buy her junk food, though I never criticized what she bought. I occasionally buy treats for the kids, and she'll just eat that, or else buy her own and stash it away. I finally reached a point that I realized that she was going to eat what she wanted whether I bought it or not. It's not like I've been going to McDonalds for her every day, because I haven't. Just the opposite, in fact. I had thought that once she saw that she had put on yet another twenty or so pounds, she'd come to her senses, but it hasn't seemed to have fazed her. Whether I go out and buy her Ben and Jerry's New York Super Fudge Chunk ice cream or not doesn't seem to have any impact on her weight gain.

I don't really expect any rabbits our of hats here. I guess I'm just venting. Like I hear so many women say, they're not really looking for a solution when they want to talk; they just want someone to listen.

luciddepths
06-28-2011, 12:26 PM
Pacsun you said it perfectly!!!!!! I agree with you on your first post!

alaskanlaughter
06-28-2011, 12:28 PM
has she been to a doctor to have her weight gain checked out? if her weight gain doesn't seem to be related to her eating, or at least what foods you buy for her, does she have a physical disorder going on like a thyroid problem or a side effect of a medication? does she suffer from a binge eating disorder like others on the forum here?

and most importantly of all, have you talked to her about any of your feelings and how this is affecting you? she might have something going on that you know nothing about and it's affecting her weight...i'm sure that she's struggling too and feeling much like you are, but communication is the only way to get to the heart of that matter

luciddepths
06-28-2011, 12:38 PM
I just wanted to add- Chris there is nothing wrong with how you feel! I'm not sure why it has gotten such a negative response from some but you did get a few really good responses that might help you figure it out!

I hope your wife wakes up soon for her sake and yours.

LeedaRenee
06-28-2011, 01:12 PM
Wow, I can't believe all the hurt feelings in this thread. If it's not obvious already I don't agree with the majority of people in this thread, so I hope that doesn't get me labeled as a troll because of it :(

What should he do? Harbor a lot of resentment inside about his wife until it finally just burst out in a fit on anger? Well, maybe he should go and cheat on his wife to spare her feelings and never have to address this issue but still have his sexual needs fufilled? Or should he lie to her and tell her that she looks great... Because constant lies are great to have in a relationship.

I am so so so surprised that you all are commenting on him being a troll because his brought this issue to a weight loss forum. I mean, where better would he likely find the point of view of an overweight wife than here? Should he have brought it up to his buddies during the superbowl?

He is being honest, something a lot of us would benefit from doing more of, myself included.

This post really hit home for me...I'm the overweight wife in this senerio. Not Chris's (I don't think :) but a chubby wife non the less. I know my husband feels the same way and I know that my weight is the reason our love life is lacking to say the least.
I'm trying...starting to run (or walk until I can run more). Counting calories, etc. BUT my question is this....

Say I get back down to 130 (the day we met weight) from my current 190, how do I overcome the hurt from knowing that my husband didn't/doesn't want me at 190? Part of me says "I'll lose all the weight and then find someone that's attracted to me and doesn't know I was fat"...I know it's stupid but its hard not to want to "punish" my hubs for not liking me thick or thin....
I'm just the type of person that HATES to admit when I was wrong...Isn't losing the weight and then becoming more "loving" ;) just admiting that he was right and I was this awful beast not worth loving?

I don't see it as you were "wrong". I'm sure you know being overweight is not how your body is meant to be. You are right because you are working on fixing the problem.

I would agree with you but your body and your mind/heart/soul are different things. Your body is always changing, whether you're getting older, losing weight, carrying a child. It would be unreasonable if, say, your husband wanted you to look like a 20 year old all of your life together. It is not unreasonable that he would want you at a healthy weight. (In my humble opinion).



i'm not stupid and i'm not blind and I KNOW when i'm gaining weight LOL!...and, yes, sometimes DH will let me know that i'm gaining a little bit of weight...granted, i haven't gained as much as 60-80 pounds during our 8-year relationship, not even when i was pregnant, but my holiday baking usually catches up to me after the holidays...DH will let me know respectfully and tactfully that i'm putting on a little weight and, yes, it's somewhat hurtful but I ALREADY KNOW that anyhow...and then i usually work to get those pounds back off...i've maintained at about 205-210 for years and now i'm ready to work at losing more weight

Well good for you. But some of us don't realize that we are overweight until it's too late.I've had a lot of people say that they didnt realize they'd gained weight until the saw a picture.


Sounds to me that you might have a bit of a control issue here. Look at your own actions and need to control your wifes diet. That is her business as to what she wants to do. Stop buying junk food, your actions must be very confusing to your wife.

Now this is really reaching. It's not just her business when they are married. Once you start a marriage, your actions need to be weighed (no pun intended) on the way you live your life. What if she started smoking crack? Is that her business? Shoudl he say nothing?

Ok, now I might be reaching...but let's just stick with the weight. What if she gains 50 more pounds in the next few years. A lot of of overweight people don't have health problems in their youth but start to when they are older. So, what if their quality of life is dramatically altered by a host of health problems related to weight? What if she suffers a heart attack due to the weight? All of this affects her family, husband included.

Having said all that: I've been an overweight wife for awhile. My husband has let me know that he loves me dearly but would very much like for me to lose weight. In recent years, he's put on about 10-20 extra pounds and I have let him know that I think he should drop the weight.

OP, from personal experience, I would say that you need to lay it out for her. Write her a letter if you dont' feel you can get it out face to face. Make it clear that you love her in spite of her weight. But let it be known.

Now, she is the only one who will decide that she wants to lose weight. My husband's desire for me to lose weight is only about 15 percent of the reason I want to do it. Mostly it is for me.

I think we can all agree that you need to stop buying her the food (since it's been repeated 1001 times in this thread) . What better way to reinforce your thoughts then only buying healthful foods? She will be mad, but she will get the point. You just mentioning it but still buying her junk food is not letting her realize how serious this to you.

Please don't stone me

khat
06-28-2011, 01:27 PM
LeedaRenee I agree with you. Like I said, I would be hurt if my bf told me I was getting too fat but I would be devastated if it would ruin my relationship because he didn't say nothing at all. I know that if he would gain much weight I would say something to him. I'm sure most of you girls would too. And I think thats not fair don't you? And I don't mean you would say, lose weight because you're not hot enough, but lose weight because I want to spend the rest of my life with you and I would like it to be as long as possible!

Chubbykins
06-28-2011, 01:37 PM
This post really hit home for me...I'm the overweight wife in this senerio. Not Chris's (I don't think :) but a chubby wife non the less. I know my husband feels the same way and I know that my weight is the reason our love life is lacking to say the least.
I'm trying...starting to run (or walk until I can run more). Counting calories, etc. BUT my question is this....

Say I get back down to 130 (the day we met weight) from my current 190, how do I overcome the hurt from knowing that my husband didn't/doesn't want me at 190? Part of me says "I'll lose all the weight and then find someone that's attracted to me and doesn't know I was fat"...I know it's stupid but its hard not to want to "punish" my hubs for not liking me thick or thin....
I'm just the type of person that HATES to admit when I was wrong...Isn't losing the weight and then becoming more "loving" ;) just admiting that he was right and I was this awful beast not worth loving?

See it from the other side. Perhaps it isn't the love for YOU but the hate towards fat, like hating cancer but not the cancer patient.

I am glad my fiance wants us to get leaner and muscular. It shows we care.

AnonymouslyYours
06-28-2011, 01:42 PM
My boyfriend IS the GQ model with washboard abs and a full head of thick gorgeous hair. I have gained weight since we have been together. Our sex life has suffered, not because of HIS lack of arousal, but because I feel significantly less sexy. I used to initiate sex, walk downstairs topless and straddle him, etc, but I don't do any of that now. *I* think that he must not find me as attractive, so my actions in the bedroom have become less attractive. Now, as I have been working out and losing weight, I'm feeling better about myself, my energy is higher, and things are getting somewhat better. So I think a lot of problems in our sex lives are not ONLY because we are physically less attractive, but because we start acting less attractive, also. But this could just be me.

Chris, fwiw, my boyfriend tried being tactful and what not for two years. One day we had a big fight and he said "Look, I can get girls way hotter than you. You cannot get a guy as hot as me because you have gained WAY too much weight. Just look at yourself." Yeah, this made me really mad, and yes, I began losing weight to spite him initially. But now, I am really glad he said it, he's really encouraging, and our relationship has improved significantly.

Lori Bell
06-28-2011, 01:45 PM
I just have a few questions. According to your original post Chris, you say your wife is happy when you tell her if you have lost another few pounds...and you at one point would talk to her about your personal diet and excercise routine. SO...how much weight have you lost? Have you just recently begun this new lifestyle change? Why did you let yourself get to the point you needed to lose weight? Just wondering...

TL0812
06-28-2011, 01:52 PM
I'm with LeedaRenee on this one. I don't understand why everyone is so offended that this guy wants his wife to lose weight. From his description it sounds like it has gotte to a point where she is uhealthy and he loves her so he wants her to be healthy and he wants to be attracted to her.

OP, if you want things to change, you have to have a discussion with her. Tell her you are concerned about her weight, for her health, and that you love her want to support her in getting healthy. Explain to her how the weight gain effects you and that you don't want to bring unhealthy foods into the house.

It is true that she has to make the decision to lose weight but sometimes it takes seeing how our weight effects others before we can get motivated to make a change (which I agree is totally unfair).

When you talk to her, she is going to be pissed, that is a promise but you are going at it from a perspective of loving her not just "I think you are ugly when you are fat". She likley has emotional issues related to her eating patterns and she will need your support to work through those.

Lori Bell
06-28-2011, 01:52 PM
Chris, fwiw, my boyfriend tried being tactful and what not for two years. One day we had a big fight and he said "Look, I can get girls way hotter than you. You cannot get a guy as hot as me because you have gained WAY too much weight. Just look at yourself." Yeah, this made me really mad, and yes, I began losing weight to spite him initially. But now, I am really glad he said it, he's really encouraging, and our relationship has improved significantly.

OH.MY.DOG! I would have laughed in his face, and then spit on him. WOW, I can't believe you didn't dump him right then and there. Amazing what women will put up with.

AnonymouslyYours
06-28-2011, 02:03 PM
OH.MY.DOG! I would have laughed in his face, and then spit on him. WOW, I can't believe you didn't dump him right then and there. Amazing what women will put up with.

Well, I would never spit on anybody. Regardless of their actions.

kateleestar
06-28-2011, 02:09 PM
Well, I would never spit on anybody. Regardless of their actions.

lol, I was thinking more along the lines of 'wow! i would have kicked him square in the crotch!' I hope he, at least, apologized? Sheesh! I literally gasped!



And, I'm not going to offer my opinion to the OP, but I wish you the best of luck. :)

claire0412
06-28-2011, 02:16 PM
OH.MY.DOG! I would have laughed in his face, and then spit on him. WOW, I can't believe you didn't dump him right then and there. Amazing what women will put up with.

To be fair, he said it in an argument and had probably stored it up for ages. While it probably wasn't the most tactful thing to say, I'd be happier my boyfriend said that and made me aware of how bad the problem is than just pretending he found me attractive and that my weight wasn't a problem, when it was. Although relationships have more layers that just comparable 'hotness', we'd all feel the same if our other halves gained a lot of weight, I think.

AnonymouslyYours
06-28-2011, 02:18 PM
lol, I was thinking more along the lines of 'wow! i would have kicked him square in the crotch!' I hope he, at least, apologized? Sheesh! I literally gasped!


Lol, well thanks for the concern! :) There were lots of other factors in play during our fight, vicious comments were slung from both directions, and I am known for my biting remarks, so don't feel bad for me. He was telling the truth, anyway, and that's kind of my point. He was BRUTALLY HONEST with me, and I needed that. Yes, I was aware my weight was increasing, but I needed to be hit with the reality of it in order to find my motivation to improve myself. My bf is a really great guy, he would bend over backward for me at the drop of the hat, and I am not going to throw away a 5 year relationship over some words exchanged in the heat of the moment.

Yep, pretty much exactly what Claire just said!

LeedaRenee
06-28-2011, 02:23 PM
Well, I would never spit on anybody. Regardless of their actions.

Yeah, I'm sure we've all said something during an argument that we regretted or would never say when we were calm.

fitness4life
06-28-2011, 02:35 PM
Chris, I agree with the apples and oranges remark comparing disability to weight gain based on just the words I wrote.

I guess what I meant is, it seems like she has a degree of a food addiction. That would be what I meant by "disability" as well as the unable-ness to get around and live life as easily.

We actually had a personal trainer who was a good 50 lbs over weight. Her "schtick" to clients was that she, too, was "like them" and therefore she could better help them. The rest of us trainers smelled b.s. We started to notice all the food crumbs in the gym office, the wrappers in the garbage, the missing food that had been donated. She got fired for something unrelated, but ya know, now that she's been gone, so has all that evidence that she had a problem with food.

A food addiction is a giant problem to tackle. For that, I consider it a disability of sorts. Do I make any sense?

Either way, though, at least you consider what you'd say to a counselor. Keep thinking about the bigger picture. This may not really be about her weight at all. The weight is simply the most obvious result, the less-than-stellar sex life is the 2nd most obvious result. Find out what the underlying problem is and address that.