Weight Loss Support - Roommate who doesn't understand...




RachelAnne
06-23-2011, 07:01 PM
Ahh this is my first "official" thread! :carrot:

Anyways, I'm sure some of you have experienced this, but I have a roommate who just doesn't understand why I'm dieting and exercising so much. In fact, she's quite non-supportive of my efforts. It's fine during the day because we don't have much to eat in the fridge in the first place, so we make our own breakfasts and lunches and carry on with the day.

Dinner, however, is a different story. I'm usually okay when she works from 5pm to 10pm and I always eat in between that time, and it's understandable that I wouldn't want to eat dinner with her. It's days like today, though, when she doesn't have to go in that I have SO much trouble. She offered to go buy dinner foods if I would go with her...and I told her I was busy...I'm studying for a final exam, and frankly, I've bought groceries without her PLENTY of times before so she can go just this once by herself. She proceeded to become annoyed with me, and started saying that I don't eat and that this diet isn't necessary and I can skip today and eat whatever I want, etc. This is coming from a girl who can eat as much as she want and not gain a single pound. She always guilt trips me by buying a lot of food and then telling me I'm wasting it if I don't finish it all...

When I started this diet and told her about it, she replied, "You don't need to go on a diet, I can teach you how to have metabolism like me!" I've talked to her a couple times about this, but she doesn't seem to really listen. She constantly is trying to push back my efforts, which I don't think she even realizes is happening. Whenever I work out, she rolls her eyes and says, "Let's see how long this will last," referring to how she thinks this is just a temporary thing. I've told her that this is a lifestyle change, but she always just responds, "we'll see next year" with a "knowing" smile. It's so frustrating to have to defend myself from her skepticism. I just wish she would encourage me once in a while.


fillupthesky
06-23-2011, 07:10 PM
eek. she sounds like a winner.

just be straight up with her. that if she doesn't want to be supportive, and if all she has to say is something negative and discouraging, then to keep her thoughts to herself and that you'll buy and make your own dinner. are you guys sharing some of the grocery expenses?- if so, just put and end to it.
i understand that you might not want to have friction with your roomie- are you going to have to live with her next year?
personally, i would just avoid her. friends should be uplifting- not downers.

RachelAnne
06-23-2011, 07:37 PM
Yes, we've been sharing the grocery bill for the past year. I'll also be living with her next year, but we have 2 other roommates who are more understanding about my situation so it should be better. We're also buying our own groceries next year so that also should help.

Honestly, I have been trying to avoid her as of late because of her attitude towards this has been so negative. I've tried talking, and it hasn't helped, and I'm not very good at confrontation anyways. I also feel like she only says those skeptic comments when someone is around. For instance, I was telling this guy she's seeing that I want to get up early during the school year and work out, something I'm doing right now. She responded, "You're doing so well right now but once you start school, you're going to fall off the wagon," and kind of laughed about it. I just want to scream sometimes, "NOT EVERYONE HAS YOUR BODY TYPE!"

I noticed this behavior during the school year when she would always convince me to drink. Of course, back then, it wasn't so bad because I would just think it was all for fun. But now, this is something I WANT and I just feel like it's a joke to her.


IsabellaOlivia
06-23-2011, 07:48 PM
She sounds jealous. Is she overweight or lives a couch potato lifestyle herself?

fillupthesky
06-23-2011, 07:50 PM
i'm not going to try to pigeon hole your roommate, but i was in college too once, and i dropped a lot of weight between my junior and senior year. there is always someone who "doesn't get it", or tries to sabotage you in some way. i used to tell myself that they don't want me to succeed because they see me as a threat. the flattery of that statement (whether it was true or not) made me feel good and motivated me to keep going.

i think you're doing the right thing by avoiding her. sucks that you have to deal with her next year, but school should be over soon right? hang tight till then and just avoid avoid avoid. if she asks why, tell her the truth, if you feel up to it- she's not really being a good friend. although honestly, i wouldn't even waste my breath.

Lovely
06-23-2011, 08:00 PM
Some people will never "get it".

You don't need to justify any action you take to her. And you're welcome to tell her just that.

"<Roommate Name>, I don't have to justify my food/exercise/habits to you. Say did you see that new movie with that actor guy in it? I thought he looked kinda hot."

RachelAnne
06-23-2011, 08:09 PM
She's not overweight at all-- stick thin, actually. She's the kind of girl who has never had to worry about a pound and can eat as bad as she wants and won't show it. Although she has told me she wants to start working out because she's out of shape.

And yes, I'm pretty sure I'll be looking for a new roommate for my Senior year, so that should be done with soon!

Thanks for the advice and replies, guys. It's great to actually feel some kind of support for this for once.

melni
06-23-2011, 08:12 PM
My roommate is the same way. Whenever my food/exercise habits get brought up, she rolls her eyes and tells me life is too short to worry about that kind of stuff. :bomb:

If it were me, and she wouldn't listen, I would try to avoid her whenever possible. Maybe try telling her WHY you need to do this--health risks, complications, etc.

Whatever you decide to do, don't let another person change what YOU want to do. Good luck!

RachelAnne
06-23-2011, 10:19 PM
Thanks! It's good to know I'm not alone in this situation. When it comes down to it, I want to do this for ME so regardless, I'm not going to let her comments stop me. It's just discouraging at times!

98DaysOfSummer
06-23-2011, 11:24 PM
Is it because you're buying groceries together? Does that change what kinds of things you buy? Do you find you throw out a lot of food or take more than you actually eat? If we were sharing groceries, that would get to me, too.

Why not go ahead and stop sharing groceries now? You buy yours and she can buy hers? I have had probably 10 or 12 roommates (started young, boarding school) and I never shared groceries with any of them. The few times we tried, it always ended in resentment. It was so much easier to just buy what I wanted, they buy what they want. Obviously if you run out of butter and need to borrow, two adults can work that out without a lot of drama. In the end, it's so much easier even between good friends if you don't try to mingle finances and food.

Good luck!

mhill0823
06-23-2011, 11:51 PM
I'm sorry for the roommate trouble! I've been there so many times in college with roommates.
Now I live with my bf and my best friend, both are totally supportive! Both are skinny and probably will never need to diet but they both volunteer to exercise with me if I want company!
But I used to have a roommate in college who did the same type of things to me when I would try to change things in my life and it became so stressful for me that I ended up moving out as soon as i could!
You shouldn't feel the need for anyone to justify what you're doing, Make yourself happy!:)
The rest will follow, or you don't need it!:)

kurisitaru
06-24-2011, 12:00 AM
My aunt does this to me all the time. Last year I was doing GREAT. I was biking, running, doing Zumba, dieting... etc...
I housed my Aunt a few times while she was in town (she lives a 3 hour drive away). She judges gymnastics ALL the time, which was fine; I just can't skip working out and "cheat" on the diet every weekend. So I would tell her that I was watching what I ate and that I would need an hour at night (or in the morning) to go to the gym.
She got really hostile about it. Saying it was a waste of life, and how dare I not get a dessert and split it with her. (Which never worked anyway, she would eat the WHOLE thing, but when I say I don't want any it's suddenly an issue...)

It's hard to deal with, but I finally had to tell her that I was unhealthy. I was emotionally unstable, I was out of shape, I was just plain unhealthy. I told her my exercising didn't do anything to her and that if I ordered a cod fish at dinner with veggies and had all the sauces on the side that was MY business. Your room mate may need to hear the same thing.

Personally, your room mate has the issue, not you. Your room mate may be jealous of you, or feel threatened.

I had a room mate say ANYTHING when people were around just to put me down. If a guy came up to me when we were out and we started talking. She would say things to discredit anything. I said I was a student, she would say something like, "At a horrible school that ANYONE could get into." Which wasn't even true. If I said I loved reading, she would say I read barely if ever and then claim I read children's books... which isn't true. I read constantly and I read a lot of young adult (W000t Harry Potter!), but I also read a lot of other things as well. (Alexander Dumas happens to be a favorite author). If I said I worked out she would say, "She works out *occasionally* and I'm sure she'll forget about this little fad of hers any day now." I'm so sad I proved that last one right, but I'm working out again NOW and I'll stick to it.

I found out that this was just my room mates insecurities. She was a bully because she wanted attention. Because how dare anyone notice me instead of her. It was nice when we parted ways. Now I can hold my achievements up high and not have someone bring me down.

tuende
06-24-2011, 12:23 AM
Yup, I had some less-than-stellar college roommates too. This too shall pass :). I learned (the hard way) that I just had to do what I needed to do and keep quiet about it. It's OK to set healthy boundaries if people in your environment are refusing to be supportive. I also learned this the hard way becuase my M.O. is to completely shut people out. Turns out that doesn't work so hot either. If there is any way for you to start buying your own food, I think that would really help things.

RoadtotheNewMe1217
06-24-2011, 12:33 AM
I totally understand!!! My one college roomate ate nothing but carbs!! By themselves sometimes, like a whole box of au gratin potatoes by herself for dinner and would each lunchables for lunch. Yet stayed a happy size 6 with 30 DDs. NO idea how that works! hehe She never understood me and I'll never understand her eating habits. Luckily my other roomies were in the same boat as me so we would go workout together. :)

This too shall pass!

PisceanGirl
06-24-2011, 04:49 PM
It sounds like she's got some issues. Maybe she was once overweight, and feels threatened by your dedication to your workout plan? Or maybe she knows or is related to someone who had a terrible experience with it? Does she ever mention that she had a friend/sister/brother/whoever who almost died of self-starvation, who has a bad self-image because of failed weight-loss, or anything similar? Or was she raised by overweight parents who always failed at exercise or diet plans? Maybe she cares about you and doesn't want to see you get hurt. Sort of like if you were to ask someone if a certain outfit looks good on you, they might say that it looks fine even if it doesn't. Maybe she's trying to make you feel good about yourself?

If you don't want to pry that deeply, then just ignore her. If it really discourages you, then my advice would be to move out or find another roommate. She sort of sounds like my high school math teacher. She was the type of person who thought mathematically and could understand algebra easily, and she thought that her students were the same. She refused to change her teaching habits, and would often not explain something in a different way if we didn't understand it the way she'd explained it in the first place. Maybe your roommate is just a strong-willed person who thinks that everyone is like her. If that's the case, then no amount of talking will help until she realizes that she has a problem.

fitness4life
06-24-2011, 05:35 PM
That sucks. Next time tell her "to each her own".

I want to address the "eat anything she likes" comments, though. I get asked that frequently - if I'm the type that can eat anything she wants - and my answer is this: I can eat whatever I want, but usually, I don't WANT to eat the same junk and/or quantity that others do.

I find that question weird in that, would I ever ask someone if they're the type to choose to not exercise based on their weight.

There's no doubt about it - if you take in more than what you burn, there will be weight gain. I don't care HOW a person eats or exercises. To each her own, and appearances don't lie.

She should mind her own business and quit faking that her weight is low because she's "special".

QuilterInVA
06-24-2011, 05:41 PM
Welcome to the real world. We have to be accountable to ourselves for what we eat and we can't really expect others to always be supportable, unfortunately. You control what goes into your mouth, not your roommate. If she buys food that you chose not to eat, throw it out or let it go bad. She'll get the message. Lots of good advice above.

jillianfan
06-24-2011, 07:22 PM
I had a roommate in college who was quite threatened when I lost a bunch of weight. She was around 5'2" and 115 lbs and was constantly calling herself fat. I was around 130, the same height as her, so it annoyed me that she called herself fat because I was bigger than her.

Anyhow, I lost a lot of weight, got down to around 117#, and it was clear that she was quite threatened because she was no longer the "thin" one in the house. I told her that I was wearing a size 3, or whatever, and she was like - oh, you are wearing a three in X designer? I swim in those things. Like she would wear a much smaller size in that particular design of pants. I really don't remember how it went, I only know that I was very annoyed because she was clearly trying to make it out like she was still so much smaller then me.

So I tried on her jeans just to see if they would fit, and it turns out they fit. So she said - "oh, those jeans are way too big on me" - when they weren't, those were the jeans that she wore all the time. Bottom line is that she was threatened and insecure and could not stand that anybody might take attention away from her.

Your roommate might be the same - she might be very insecure and think that you might look better than her when you lose weight.

Just my .02.

gagalu
06-25-2011, 02:52 AM
she sounds obnoxious. i have negative roomate experiences too. i think this is how people become jaded!

your relationship with this person is likely temporary; if this damages your relationship, it's probably not a big deal. keep it up and show her that her efforts at sabotaging you are wasted. ;)

Riestrella
06-25-2011, 06:39 AM
Haha, oh wow! She sounds a bit freaky! There are a number of reasons for her behaviour, but I think the one that springs to mind for me is that she's threatened by you becoming thin. Some girls like to be the "thin one", they like feeling like they're prettier, healthier and better looking for their own self esteems. So you working out, trying hard with your diet shows that you mean business, and in her mind if you continue that way you're going to become thin.

Girls compare themselves to others constantly. If you see a pretty girl in the street I'm sure a lot of us would say "damn her!" instead of "Wow, good for you!!" I'm not saying we're ALL this way, but I think people with confidence issues (and lets face it, who doesn't have confidence issues with the societal pressures on women today?) want to feel like they have control over something.

So for your room mate she defines herself as the skinny one, but if you become skinny too what does that leave her with? Competition!

I remember in my first year of Uni I was bigger than what I should've been (but not nearly as big as I am now!) and there was another girl who lived with me who was pudgy but still smaller than me. When I started losing weight, stopped eating frozen ready made meals (which she lived off) and exercising at the gym I would just hear all these comments like "Oh, I don't NEED to lose weight - I'm fine with who I am," even though I never asked for her opinion or "Is that all your eating? I don't care what I eat!" The fact that she was so vocal about it meant she WAS bothered, because all of my flatmates were complimenting me on how great I looked. Needless to say, because she wasn't exercising and because she was eating bad food she got bigger and bigger while I got smaller and smaller. So the comments became more frequent! She used her boyfriend as an excuse sometimes "I don't care about my weight, because he loves big girls!"

Wow, that turned into a rant! Point is, I wouldn't worry about it. If there are issues with food that you're sharing then I suggest you start shopping separately. But if it's purely her saying "DON'T DIET AHHHH!" then just ignore it. Say you're happy, and if she wants to get in the way of your happiness then don't expect you to listen to what she has to suggest.

Women!