General chatter - Does anyone ever feel this way over Relationships?




0o0o KimoKawaii o0o0
06-23-2011, 09:53 AM
I'm really curious to see if anyone understands my feelings on this..........

So, i'm not a shallow person........i think when finding a bf or gf, people need to not only consider looks, but personality!
But i also think anyone who says looks doesn't matter, is lying to themselves.
Sure, some people could careless if their partner looks like the giant troll from Bridge to Terabithia, but most people care, to some degree, what their partner looks like.
And i feel like, overweight or obese WOMEN, are told by society that they have no choice, and that they must always settle...........but i refuse to settle! I think it's un-fair for me to change the type of guys i'm attracted to, simply because i'm fat. So i guess that's a huge part of why i'm still single................i don't want just chubby chasers or guys who are settling, to ask me out....and so far, that's all it seems to be. Yes i know, you're all wondering "well how do you know?" or "did you give them a chance?" - it's quite obvious when a chubby chaser comes up to you and is like "oh i like thick women!" or some weird sh*t like that............only one guy, who i was attracted to physically, has ever approached me for a date - and go figure, when we went on a the date, i ended up not liking his PERSONALITY! Hahahaha.
But ANYWAYS, do i want some super buff guy whose ripped like crazy and model-gorgeous? NOOOOOOOOOOo! Ew! that's not even my type AT ALL! But i feel like i can't even have a preference......and like, fat guys are aloud to walk around thinking they're "big sexy" and then ON A HIGHER AVERAGE THAN FAT WOMEN, pick up skinny pretty mates - and not be told they're not good enough for that mate.

While fat chicks, GENERALLY[NOT ALWAYS], are made to feel they have no right to reach for the skinnier guys they're attracted to..............and ON AVERAGE, you rarely see fat chicks with skinny averagely-attractive guys..........if they're skinny, they're ugly buck-tooth dudes.
And again, I'M NOT SHALLOW! I'M SIMPLY CHOOSING TO FOCUS ON LOOKS HERE FOR A MOMENTTTTT.
I just think it's highly un-fair, that fat women are basically told to settle - AND THEY DO! Wtf...........i don't want to settle! I want to be attractive to who i'm with physically, as WELL as to their personality!!!!!




And no, i'm not saying things are a walk in the park for obese guys, but MAN, it is MUCH MORE ACCEPTABLE AND EASY for them to find a half-decent looking mate, then it is for fat chicks.............sucks!


gtech2mit10
06-23-2011, 10:07 AM
I agree with what you say about there being a double standard for overweight men and women as far as dating goes. I mean, a lot of people I've raised this point to disagree, but this is my general experience.

There is such a thing as being too picky, but I'm with you on not settling and the distaste for chubby chasers -- and worse, people who hit on the big girl because they think you'll be an easy lay.

0o0o KimoKawaii o0o0
06-23-2011, 10:20 AM
I agree with what you say about there being a double standard for overweight men and women as far as dating goes. I mean, a lot of people I've raised this point to disagree, but this is my general experience.

There is such a thing as being too picky, but I'm with you on not settling and the distaste for chubby chasers -- and worse, people who hit on the big girl because they think you'll be an easy lay.


Omg YES! I HATE men who hit on fat chicks just because they think they'll be more easy to get in bed! But you know what i hate more...........FAT WOMEN WHO ACTUALLY LET THEM GET AWAY WITH THAT!!!!!!!!!
I CANT STAND to see girls who are fat thinking so little of themselves that they just let themselves be used.......WTF! Drives me crazy......>_<



and yes, being too picky is annoying/wrong. You can't look like me, and expect to land a guy who looks PERFECT. [perfection is boring and overrated though if you ask me.]
But having a preference is everyones right.


aimeebell
06-23-2011, 11:20 AM
"I love thick women" as a pick-up line. I'm not a violent person, but I would be tempted to give him a knee! LOL I see a lot of women who outweigh their man. Personally, I could never date someone shorter than me or who weighed less than me. No skinny guys for me! So, I guess we all have our preferences and are entitled to them. Too many women sell themselves short. It's more about confidence and presentation.

Bebita
06-23-2011, 11:22 AM
Ohhh I guess, I am the exception. I am fat and I have a skinny boyfriend. We have been together for the past 2 years and says he loves me for who I am. So I decided to get seriuosly healthy to enjoy our life together. Keep up the good work your on the right track and you will find the love of your life sooner or later girl...

Bebita
06-23-2011, 11:24 AM
Well he is not that skinny... 6'1" and about 210lbs. Let's call him fit. I totally agree with Aimeebell.

mysticalcrayon
06-23-2011, 11:38 AM
Hey.
My boy has stayed with me as i went up and down in weight and has told me i'm beautiful and blah all the way through.. I met him when i was the lowest way I have ever been and i think sometimes that if i was this size back then would we have got together?! Well I don't know but i try not to let those feelings known to him lol. I joke that he's a chubby chaser lol but I wouldnt say he was skinny and buck toothed or whatever, just normal and helthy lol well of course he is gorgeous to me lol *puke*. But yeah. he loves me for me and i love him for him you know..
but anyway... i see your point.. i know a few guys who are defiinitely overweight and think they definitely will get a model and put women down for being 'overweight' or 'ugly' in their eyes. I don't think it's fair at all.. makes me downright angry!!

Ashley777
06-23-2011, 12:46 PM
so just a thought here, why are men who are attracted to chubby women called chubby chasers? Why are they not allowed to be attracted to a certain type of women and if that just happens to be one who is overweight why is that wrong? Yes of course if they want a fat women just becasue it is easier to get in bed with them that is wrong, but we all have preferences to what we find attractive right.
And
I met my husband online. From his photo (taken at the beach) he looked tall buff and very handsome, I felt intimidated by that cause I was overweight but sent him a photo anyways and he said I looked beautiful. I did say in my profile that I was curvy. Sooo in saying that when we met, he was 5 foot 6 and buff but thin. I never would have gone out with him if we had first met in person cause I would have felt like a whale beside him and would not think he woulld find me attractive. Even though I weigh 20 pounds more now then I did when we got married he said he never thought i had extra weight, he must need glasses. Although I am overwieght I am proportioned well and workout alot so do have some tone. In saying that i just thought I would add that normally i would not date someone his size but I fell so inlove with him that it just did not matter. He is an ex gymnast and has a body like one. I still wonder why he found me attractive. But to this day I love his body and we both are attracted to each other.
On another note - guys have body image issues too, he thinks he has no butt and in jeans it is very small and his pants are baggy there but he really does have an amazing behind! especailly in gymnast clothes.

Lovely
06-23-2011, 01:01 PM
I agree that there is often a double standard in general.

That being said, the individual is almost never "in general" and if they are, then... by all means! ... be picky and toss him back :)

I've been attracted to all manner of guys. Tall. Short. Slim. Hefty. Balding. Older. Younger. Accented. Mmmm...accented. Ahem. And all manner of guys have been attracted to me. You know how I mean... not in the arrogant sounding way...but in the "There's no way to tell if a guy finds me attractive based on how HE looks" way.

I'd give them all at least a chance. Unless, of course, they came up with a line like "I like 'em thick." Then I'd just think he was out trolling for numbers and ***. And, again, every person is allowed to ... toss 'em right back and be picky!

0o0o KimoKawaii o0o0
06-23-2011, 01:42 PM
so just a thought here, why are men who are attracted to chubby women called chubby chasers? Why are they not allowed to be attracted to a certain type of women and if that just happens to be one who is overweight why is that wrong? Yes of course if they want a fat women just becasue it is easier to get in bed with them that is wrong, but we all have preferences to what we find attractive right.
And
I met my husband online. From his photo (taken at the beach) he looked tall buff and very handsome, I felt intimidated by that cause I was overweight but sent him a photo anyways and he said I looked beautiful. I did say in my profile that I was curvy. Sooo in saying that when we met, he was 5 foot 6 and buff but thin. I never would have gone out with him if we had first met in person cause I would have felt like a whale beside him and would not think he woulld find me attractive. Even though I weigh 20 pounds more now then I did when we got married he said he never thought i had extra weight, he must need glasses. Although I am overwieght I am proportioned well and workout alot so do have some tone. In saying that i just thought I would add that normally i would not date someone his size but I fell so inlove with him that it just did not matter. He is an ex gymnast and has a body like one. I still wonder why he found me attractive. But to this day I love his body and we both are attracted to each other.
On another note - guys have body image issues too, he thinks he has no butt and in jeans it is very small and his pants are baggy there but he really does have an amazing behind! especially in gymnast clothes.
'

Yeah, i know guys have body image issues which is exactly why i went out of my way to make it clear i wasn't saying that thing are always a walk in the park for fat guys.
I obviously know everyone, even people you want to smack for it, have body image issues.
And i never said anything was wrong with a guy liking fat chicks....i just PERSONALLY want to be found attractive or nice enough to date for ANOTHER REASON OTHER THAN BEING A FAT A**! >(

And men who like chubby women, are called Chubby chasers, it's because they chase - chub, they like chubby chicks......so that's who they "chase" around/look for to date........come onnnn! :p =)






"I love thick women" as a pick-up line. I'm not a violent person, but I would be tempted to give him a knee! LOL



LMAO!
Oh yeah, me too! And i'm not violent......but it definitely doesn't take long for them to notice how disgusted i am with them and move on!!




Ohhh I guess, I am the exception. I am fat and I have a skinny boyfriend. We have been together for the past 2 years and says he loves me for who I am. So I decided to get seriuosly healthy to enjoy our life together. Keep up the good work your on the right track and you will find the love of your life sooner or later girl...


Oh i see a few exceptions online or around the city every now and again.........and i couldn't be more JEALOUS!! hahaha. :p:D

mypinkpolkadot
06-23-2011, 01:44 PM
Story time:

My exboyfriend.. SUPER HOT.. I have no idea why he dated me, but anyways. Once we were at the mall, and this skinny little cashier was trying to hit on him INFRONT OF ME. Probably cause she thought he was too good for me. He straight told that girl "excuse me, but this is my girlfriend" hehe =) back when he was sweet :P

My current boyfriend is gorgeous. I never settle. Sure I get men who come up to me, and are.. not so cute, who probably think "oh shes fat, i may have a chance" But generally, all my boyfriends have been friends first, who just fall in love with me. Cause im adorable, chubby or not! :D

I'm definitly NOT shallow. I have dated boys that honestly, I didn't find attractive at all. But I get to know them, and they were sweet. So I ended up being with them. But I never thought I was settling. Good men don't always come in polished packages.

kaplods
06-23-2011, 02:52 PM
In college, I had an admirer, that I definitely didn't appreciate, and I am embarassed to say it was because of his appearance. He was a brainiac, super nerd (physics major) which I actually liked about him. However, his social skills were lacking and he looked a bit goofy. If I would have been honest with myself, my only barrier to dating him was that I was afraid that people would think I couldn't do better. I wish I would have been stronger and more confident, so that I could have judged him by my standards, not by what I thought was everyone else's.

I've always had high standards when it came to dating, because I always knew that I'd rather be alone than with someone who bugged me. Even as a kid, I felt that way with friends. I'd have fun with my friends, but I also got bored easily (and sometimes wished there was a polite way to say that - of course there is, but a 9 year old doesn't always realize that).

I've had family and friends accuse me of being too picky, but it was my pick to make, and I was ok with that (at least once I got out of my early 20's and stopped being so concerned about what other people thought).

Attraction is a weird thing. Even when you have strong preferences, you can find yourself attracted to someone you never thought you would be, and that doesn't mean settling, or even compromising. It just means that sometimes you find yourself attracted for reasons you can't even identify.

I wouldn't have given my husband a second glance if I'd met him through friends, or randomly in person. On paper, he looked like the worst match for me, possible. I had my masters degree, he didn't finish college. I made more money. I was 4 years older. I'd never dated anyone who was that much younger or who weighed more than I did. He was more religious than I was. He smoked (almost a deal-breaker, because I was deathly allergic to cigarette smoke, at the time). On almost every socio-political issue, he was conservative where I was liberal, or liberal where I was conservative.

I met him through a personal ad I placed, and while he had seen my photo with the ad I placed, I didn't see his photo until a few days after we'd been talking on the phone. I was initially a little disappointed, and I'm not sure why. Maybe it was his size, or his moustache (I've never been fond of facial hair), or his casual dress. I'm not sure, but I never would have picked him out of a catalog.

But none of that mattered because I got hooked on his personality, before I'd seen him. If it had worked the other way around, maybe we wouldn't be together.

What he did have, that none of my previous bf's had had, was a bold, confident personality, and he shared my weird sense of humor, and generally understood me in a way, no one else had before. And the more I got to know him, the more attractive he became. He had a bit of a sterotypical "biker" appearance, which I later decided was more viking-biker, because of the lovely auburn and red hair (and I was falling for him, so things I hated were becoming things I loved, just because attraction seems to work that way, sometimes). He also has these beautiful eyes that defy a color description. Not gray, blue, or green, but a combination of all three.

He had a lot of traits I was happy with, and a few that I wasn't, but I didn't "settle," I weighed the pros and the cons of the whole package, and decided the pros outweighed the cons enough for me to date him a while, and see where things went, if anywhere. And the more time I spent with him, the more pros I saw, and the less important the cons seemed.

To some degree, I think almost everyone "settles" a little. I don't mean by that that everyone gets desperate and lonely and takes whoever they can get. Instead, what I mean is that we all have this checklist in our head that we compare real people against, and the odds of finding a person with everything we think we want, is pretty slim. It's not really settling to give someone a chance who meets most, but not all of what you want. It's ok to learn that some of what you thought you wanted, isn't really all that important after all.

Of course you can decide that all of the traits on your checklist are non-negotiable, which could make you search a little more difficult, but it's your search. You get to decide which if any traits you want in a partner are "nice to have, but not necessary" and which are "must haves."

I do think also, that at any weight, we all struggle between what we want, expect, and choose personally for ourselves, and what we think we're expected to want, expect, and choose (and how much we let that influence us - how willing we are to be different and to let the difference show to others, also).

Latchkey Princess
06-23-2011, 02:55 PM
I agree with Ashley about the label "chubby chaser". It doesn't make sense that they're labeled for liking bigger girls, but I'm not a chubby chaser and I would only ever date bigger guys unless they really won me over. Why can't a guy like a big girl without being labeled and turned away because he likes their body (but they don't want to be liked for their body because THEY don't like their body) but I can totally like a big guy for his body and not be labeled at all? I dunno, I just hate labels I guess.

gtech2mit10
06-23-2011, 07:34 PM
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think there's a difference between "chubby chaser" -- as I understand it, a person who fetishizes fat/a larger figure -- and a person who simply has a physical preference for larger women. I welcome overtures who appreciate my curves, among my other qualities, but I don't want to be hit on simply because I'm the biggest girl some guy spots at the bar.

liliesinmycereal
06-23-2011, 07:38 PM
How do you deal with a boyfriend who is ashamed to be in love with a fat person?

Suzanne 3FC
06-23-2011, 07:49 PM
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think there's a difference between "chubby chaser" -- as I understand it, a person who fetishizes fat/a larger figure -- and a person who simply has a physical preference for larger women. I welcome overtures who appreciate my curves, among my other qualities, but I don't want to be hit on simply because I'm the biggest girl some guy spots at the bar.

Agreed. It's a sexual fetish, and they don't care about the person inside. It can get quite detailed and very abusive, and much too graphic to describe here. But there is no love, no normal attraction. It's definitely not the same thing as a man loving your curves.

Lovely
06-23-2011, 07:55 PM
How do you deal with a boyfriend who is ashamed to be in love with a fat person?

If there's shame involved, I wouldn't call it love. (Personally)

liliesinmycereal
06-23-2011, 08:04 PM
Never thought of it that way,... hmm.

fattymcfatty
06-23-2011, 08:12 PM
Liliesinmycereal, my way of dealing with it, would be to dump him. Think of all the weight you'd lose...instantly!!!

ryeb
06-23-2011, 08:26 PM
Liliesinmycereal, my way of dealing with it, would be to dump him. Think of all the weight you'd lose...instantly!!!

Exactly.

If someone truly loves you, they want the world to know you are with them, and them only. It sounds like he just wants you to believe he loves you, so when it is convenient for him, you can be his "girl" He wants you to be his dirty little secret.

Now, with this being said, I do think we should all take the effort to better ourselves. Do not completely live on the fact "better or worse" because if you do break up, what is the first thing you do? Lose weight. It is one thing to want your partner to be healthy, another to want them to fit into "society's plan." Dump the guy, he is just using you.

MedChick87
06-23-2011, 08:26 PM
Honestly, I agree that there is a double standard...but to me the double standard rests with the women. This may sound weird coming from a larger woman who has always had trouble with dating...but to me its wrong to say that a woman should never have to settle for an "ugly" man, then turn around and say that men are shallow for not being attracted to larger women. Why should men have to "settle"? If a man isn't physically attracted to a larger lady, isn't that just as ok as a woman not being physically attracted to a larger man (or w/e the case is)??

My point is...I'm in strong agreement that physical attraction is important in a relationship. I don't think anyone should be RUDE or MEAN about someone's physical appearance. However, I just think it's interesting that men are immediately called shallow if they don't want to date an obese woman, while a woman can list off specific body types they won't date and that's totally ok. I just don't get it I guess. I think it's a 2-way street.

ryeb
06-23-2011, 09:35 PM
Honestly, I agree that there is a double standard...but to me the double standard rests with the women. This may sound weird coming from a larger woman who has always had trouble with dating...but to me its wrong to say that a woman should never have to settle for an "ugly" man, then turn around and say that men are shallow for not being attracted to larger women. Why should men have to "settle"? If a man isn't physically attracted to a larger lady, isn't that just as ok as a woman not being physically attracted to a larger man (or w/e the case is)??

My point is...I'm in strong agreement that physical attraction is important in a relationship. I don't think anyone should be RUDE or MEAN about someone's physical appearance. However, I just think it's interesting that men are immediately called shallow if they don't want to date an obese woman, while a woman can list off specific body types they won't date and that's totally ok. I just don't get it I guess. I think it's a 2-way street.

This is completely dead on. I know that I could be considered "shallow" for some of my preferences. Do I need a Brad Pitt? No. I do however, need to be with a man who does turn me on physically as much as emotionally.

krampus
06-23-2011, 09:47 PM
Honestly, I agree that there is a double standard...but to me the double standard rests with the women. This may sound weird coming from a larger woman who has always had trouble with dating...but to me its wrong to say that a woman should never have to settle for an "ugly" man, then turn around and say that men are shallow for not being attracted to larger women. Why should men have to "settle"? If a man isn't physically attracted to a larger lady, isn't that just as ok as a woman not being physically attracted to a larger man (or w/e the case is)??

My point is...I'm in strong agreement that physical attraction is important in a relationship. I don't think anyone should be RUDE or MEAN about someone's physical appearance. However, I just think it's interesting that men are immediately called shallow if they don't want to date an obese woman, while a woman can list off specific body types they won't date and that's totally ok. I just don't get it I guess. I think it's a 2-way street.

Yup yup yup. The majority of people are attracted to a "healthy" size/figure for a reason. We're animals!

berryblondeboys
06-23-2011, 10:11 PM
I guess I wasn't very heavy when I met my husband, but I was chubby. (around 195). He was 155. he's 6'1". I'm not.

He is tall, dark and handsome with an accent. He's well educated. Has a great sense of humor. Is loyal, kind, and fun. I still don't know how in the **** I got him or what he found in me. We've been together for 18 years. Married for 17 and a half.

With him I've been as high as 275 pounds. I never doubted his love for me, but I also knew he didn't like the weight. One, it's not attractive, but more importantly, it's not healthy and I wasn't healthy and that worried him about our future. And when I got to thinking about it, I wouldn't want a fat husband with a big beer belly, so why would he want a wife who wears a size 20? I actually was in awe that he didn't dump me for someone cuter/thinner/fitter. Or at least have a fling because I sure as **** wasn't taking care of myself and being a good partner in that respect.

But, he loved me and just tried to support me. I don't think he ever understood why I gained and I couldn't explain it as it's not simple, is it? But the reality is. He's here for me and he loves me thick or thin, but he is definitely happier that he is getting a thinner and fitter wife now and I want to be able to be that for him too. He deserves that!

MedChick87
06-23-2011, 10:16 PM
Berryblondeboys...where did you meet this man?? Wherever it is...I need to go there :D

Nola Celeste
06-23-2011, 10:22 PM
Everyone has to deal with the fact that there is a subset of the population to whom they are just plain not attractive. Everyone. No exceptions. Some people are going to have to deal with a larger subset of people who look at them and say, "Ehhh, not my type." Other people have only a few people who would in fact kick 'em out of bed for eating crackers.

It'd be disingenuous to suggest that people who are outside of any physical norm--weight, height, symmetry, complement of senses--don't have to deal with a larger subset of the population who wouldn't find them attractive. The pool of available candidates is a lot deeper than anyone suspects, though.

Back in the days when I dated, I dated guys who ranged from about 125 pounds to about 300, so I have few preconceived notions about what size and shape is "sexy"; to me, a lot of bodies are, depending on who inhabits that body. There are undoubtedly a lot of other people like me--people who get that "zing!" sensation of attraction from someone's turn of phrase while speaking, from a laugh, from a smile, from a scent, and not from a particular body type or hair color.

I don't like the concept that anyone "settles." I mean, sure, I know folks do that, but I'm convinced that a whole lot of what looks like "settling" to the outside world is actually an equal and desirable relationship for both partners, each of whom has a broader and deeper standard of physical attraction than just appearance. I never felt like I settled, and I sure never felt like anyone settled for me; they sure never treated me as though they felt they were settling.

I'm married to a guy who looks like Jon Hamm with brown eyes, salt-and-pepper hair, and a beard. Super-hot. But I never went out with anyone whom I didn't feel was hot, and I think that's the key. You don't have to "settle" for guys you don't find at all attractive, but sometimes looking for the attractiveness in all guys will lead you to some great relationships. In my eyes, all my exes were total hotties, and as my eyes are the only ones that matter to me, I have had quite a happy and varied romantic life. :D

I guess what I'm getting at is that you don't have to abandon your standards, but standards can change without it meaning that you're "settling." I'm happy I had the experience of being with such different people. If I'd only stuck to the guys I considered "my type," I would've missed out on a lot of fun times.

berryblondeboys
06-23-2011, 10:30 PM
Berryblondeboys...where did you meet this man?? Wherever it is...I need to go there :D

LOL we met when we were both students when there wasn't even a WWW yet. But it was online, but we were just friends to start out with (shortly). I was afraid to send my photo (had to do it snail mail back then - internet wasn't capable of that).

I was looking to see if I could find any photos of my DH, and I typed in his name on google and this was the first thing that popped up. It's a pretty good photo, just a couple years old.


http://www.j-archive.com/showplayer.php?player_id=5043 (http://www.j-archive.com/showplayer.php?player_id=5043)

Nola Celeste
06-23-2011, 10:38 PM
Berryblondeboys--he's good-looking, but you and he have about the same "cute quotient" because you are too. It's funny how things look to ourselves versus how we look to others, because I would say the two of you look perfect with one another--two good-looking people looking good together. :D

sidanne42
06-23-2011, 10:40 PM
I'm really curious to see if anyone understands my feelings on this..........

So, i'm not a shallow person........i think when finding a bf or gf, people need to not only consider looks, but personality!
But i also think anyone who says looks doesn't matter, is lying to themselves.
Sure, some people could careless if their partner looks like the giant troll from Bridge to Terabithia, but most people care, to some degree, what their partner looks like.
And i feel like, overweight or obese WOMEN, are told by society that they have no choice, and that they must always settle...........but i refuse to settle! I think it's un-fair for me to change the type of guys i'm attracted to, simply because i'm fat. So i guess that's a huge part of why i'm still single................i don't want just chubby chasers or guys who are settling, to ask me out....and so far, that's all it seems to be. Yes i know, you're all wondering "well how do you know?" or "did you give them a chance?" - it's quite obvious when a chubby chaser comes up to you and is like "oh i like thick women!" or some weird sh*t like that............only one guy, who i was attracted to physically, has ever approached me for a date - and go figure, when we went on a the date, i ended up not liking his PERSONALITY! Hahahaha.
But ANYWAYS, do i want some super buff guy whose ripped like crazy and model-gorgeous? NOOOOOOOOOOo! Ew! that's not even my type AT ALL! But i feel like i can't even have a preference......and like, fat guys are aloud to walk around thinking they're "big sexy" and then ON A HIGHER AVERAGE THAN FAT WOMEN, pick up skinny pretty mates - and not be told they're not good enough for that mate.

While fat chicks, GENERALLY[NOT ALWAYS], are made to feel they have no right to reach for the skinnier guys they're attracted to..............and ON AVERAGE, you rarely see fat chicks with skinny averagely-attractive guys..........if they're skinny, they're ugly buck-tooth dudes.
And again, I'M NOT SHALLOW! I'M SIMPLY CHOOSING TO FOCUS ON LOOKS HERE FOR A MOMENTTTTT.
I just think it's highly un-fair, that fat women are basically told to settle - AND THEY DO! Wtf...........i don't want to settle! I want to be attractive to who i'm with physically, as WELL as to their personality!!!!!




And no, i'm not saying things are a walk in the park for obese guys, but MAN, it is MUCH MORE ACCEPTABLE AND EASY for them to find a half-decent looking mate, then it is for fat chicks.............sucks!

You will find "the one" when you least expect it...on a day when you're not even looking! Hang in there, and heck no, NEVER SETTLE!! :)

http://img-s3-01.mytextgraphics.com/sparklee/2011/06/23/f3ca948efa218d8b31161855178f32c5.gif (http://www.sparklee.com)

http://www.tsflsupportinmotion.com/Tickers/Tickers/Images/Tickers/634440726107374111.gif (http://www.tsflsupportinmotion.com/)

berryblondeboys
06-23-2011, 10:42 PM
Berryblondeboys--he's good-looking, but you and he have about the same "cute quotient" because you are too. It's funny how things look to ourselves versus how we look to others, because I would say the two of you look perfect with one another--two good-looking people looking good together. :D

Wow, thanks! it would be nice if we could feel that way about yourselves more often. Of course, I think I have the most beautiful children in the world, but doesn't every parent? LOL

ryeb
06-23-2011, 10:49 PM
Wow, thanks! it would be nice if we could feel that way about yourselves more often. Of course, I think I have the most beautiful children in the world, but doesn't every parent? LOL

I definitely think my son is like the cutest thing ever!! Sometimes though, I look back at his newborn pictures and realize I was blinded by love lol

I didn't mean to hijack this post sorry lol

Sunshine87
06-23-2011, 11:01 PM
Kimo,
I completely agree. It is not fair. I have gone over this in my head 800 times.
Full women are punished by the world and especially when it comes to dating. Most men prefer women who are average-sized to thin. It is unfair that a man can be 60 pounds overweight and still get a knockout as long as he has a good personality/job. BUT I have come to the conclusion that it is not fair but that is just the way it is. I cannot change the world so I will have to change myself. Now don't get me wrong. I am losing weight for 55 other reasons but I told myself that I would not pity myself anymore...I just have to do something about it. I would probably feel differently if I was comfortable as a fuller woman but I am not. I want to hit my goal and not only to please some man.

berryblondeboys
06-23-2011, 11:13 PM
I think the reason a lot of women don't like "chubby chasers" (not the obnoxious "I like thick women pick up line guy", but guys in general who like heavier women is that these women aren't happy in their chubby suit so don't want to have guys coming onto them for something they don't like about themselves.

I think the biggest reason a heavier guy can pick up a thinner girl is two fold. One, men are more visual than woman. Guys look at women's bodies to get turned on (Playboy, porn, lingerie). Women read romance novels, set the mood with lighting and smells. These are generalizations, of course, but I think a woman can more easily overlook bodily imperfections than men can and do.

Secondly, many women still want to be provided for. A heavy man with a gut and no hair and bad teeth is more likely to be successful in finding a mate if he earns well. If it's reversed, the woman is heavy, thin hair and bad teeth and also earns well, I don't think it helps her chances because most men aren't looking for financial security. It could even turn some men off!

And overweight men do have a hard time finding a mate too. As do short and skinnier ones for not being seen as 'manly' enough. (Similar to very tall women, but I think it's even worse for short men than for tall women).

kaplods
06-24-2011, 12:42 AM
Kimo,
I completely agree. It is not fair. I have gone over this in my head 800 times.
Full women are punished by the world and especially when it comes to dating. Most men prefer women who are average-sized to thin. It is unfair that a man can be 60 pounds overweight and still get a knockout as long as he has a good personality/job.

This is not nearly as true as we tend to think it is, especially for people who are very obese. Obese, especially severely obese men 100 lbs or more over weight, actually tend to fare less well in the dating arena than women of the same BMI.

I don't remember the actual statistics, but the numbers were shocking to me, because it doesn't fit the social stereotype. In fact, I thought the research results had to be a fluke, so I went looking for similar research, and surprisingly I found there were a lot of areas in which overweight men do less well than overweight women. Very overweight men tend to experience more and deeper depression than women of the same BMI, and their suicide rates are higher also. Men are more likely than women to leave a spouse for gaining weight, but single obese women faired better socially then single obese men. Short, fat men had it even worse.

Fat women also experience fewer and less severe health complications especially fatal ones, than fat men (until menopause, then the rates start to become similar - the belief is that women's hormones protect us to a greater degree from some of obesity's damage).

kurisitaru
06-24-2011, 01:27 AM
Don't settle, EVER.

I grew up thinking I must have been the most hideous girl in the planet. My school was small, and almost every girl in it looked like she could have won a beauty pageant. I thought that was the way the world worked because I lived it. I was "fat" in high school because I was bigger boned and we only had one actual "fat' girl in the entire school. (I'm talking maybe 100 kids).
I went to college never having even been asked for a dance at our pathetic dances or even getting a romantic hug. In college I had no confidence and hid in my room. I thought I would never find a good guy, even a bad guy. I tried in high school, never got a nice let down either. Just a "NO!" sometimes with an added, "FATTY!" or "NERD!" (Forgive me for being an all A student).

I met a guy on a ... *cough* ... video game when I was 20. He was annoying, selfish, but we were "friends" online. One day he asked to meet me. This happens a lot on video games. People say, "OH GIRL! LET'S MEET!" And it never happens. Apparently this guy was serious.

We talked on the phone for a long time before we met. I didn't want to have sex with him or really date him. But he was the first male to ever give me any real attention. We met, I was technically raped, and then I "fell in love" Because even though I was forced to do a sexual act, I didn't want to look at it that way.

Anyway, I stuck with him for a long time. He was annoying, selfish, Obese, really kinda non attractive in every way possible, and I hate to say it... but really dumb. I couldn't have a single actual intelligent conversation with him. The reason I stuck with him, I settled. I thought he was the best I could ever do. I thought this was the only "man" that would ever want me. (He even helped me with this thought by hinting to me that he was all I could get on occasion).

I eventually wised up and ditched him. It still hurt, but I know it's because I settled. I thought that was all I was worth. I know better now. I've dated other guys since and it's amazing the difference when someone treats you right. When someone doesn't say things like, "I just want to LOOK" on the first date and instead understands when it's just going to be a kiss goodnight. I won't ever settle again.

I deserve, as does everyone else, a good man. You can be obese, thin, tall, wide, short, religious, atheist, any race... it doesn't matter you DESERVE someone good. Someone who treats you right. Someone who you have attraction to. Someone you can hold a good conversation with who doesn't LIE to you. There are good men out there that will like a woman for her, not because she falls under an ideal or a fetish, but because he can't stop thinking about her smile and loves every text he gets because he just likes talking with her.

You're not shallow for shopping for that perfect guy. Most of us are looking for marriage, if you can't stand a guy for a night, you can't stomach them for a lifetime. Some men are more attractive once you get to know them, some suddenly look like Dr. Frankenstein's monster once you get to know them. Some times you have to give them a shot, other times you just know it won't work out. (Especially if their pick up line is: "DAMN Girl! I like 'em thick!")

Chubbykins
06-24-2011, 06:47 AM
In my humble opinion being fat has so many downsides in so many ways that it is natural not to want that in the person you have sex with and live side by side. Besides the medical issues there are also psychological ones and the many things heavier people just can't do (I know I am generalizing a bit here but you get the picture I hope) in comparisson to someone "normal" weight or slim.
If you have the choice between two women whose ONLY differense is 100 pounds of weight more on one of them... well I think it is reasonable to assume the majority of men and lesbians would choose the slimmer partner.
Thankfully there do not exist such identical women and thus a confident person can find a mate with other charms.
I have a friend who is morbidly obese and the only problem she has with finding boys is herself. She doesn't want them to like fat, she doesn't like to be called "pretty face", she thinks it is sad when people just like her personality... BOTTOMLINE: If you have a problem with yourself and can't at least like what you are do not say it is the partner's fault that their choices do not please you.

It is to be expected to a degree if you are heavier and only average looking that beautiful slim female with tolerable personalities will go first in line. It is still your choice though to be the heavy one and not the slim one.

Imo the best solution is one and we're almost all here doing it: Loose weight and attract a man via hard work and hard earned charms, instead of hoping a fly will get caught in the net.

fatferretfanatic
06-24-2011, 07:21 AM
I wasn't fat when I met my husband, though that isn't to say I never had problems with my weight. He has never been actually fat a day in his life-and he loves his fat wife. When we met, I thought he was the cutest guy I had ever seen, and going out in public with me on his arm was the biggest ego boost because I knew I had something special. I still feel that way, even though we both are out of shape (he still isn't fat, but has gained a bit of weight-but skinny still) and are getting into shape. He has loved me at 169 pounds, which I was on our first date, and he loved me at 273 pounds and right now at 234 pounds. Before he married me I was over 200 pounds, and he never stopped loving me, telling me how beautiful I was and generally wanting to spend his life with me. Being big doesn't mean you shouldn't enjoy love with someone you're crazy for. He did worry about my weight for the health aspect of it, but has never said I was less beautiful for it. I didn't settle-and you don't have to either. There are plenty of nice guys out there. Just because society in general is not very nice to us bigger ladies doesn't mean we can't be good to ourselves. You have the right to pick and choose what you want out of a relationship, and you will find one too!

MaryB75
06-24-2011, 10:27 AM
With him I've been as high as 275 pounds. I never doubted his love for me, but I also knew he didn't like the weight. One, it's not attractive, but more importantly, it's not healthy and I wasn't healthy and that worried him about our future. And when I got to thinking about it, I wouldn't want a fat husband with a big beer belly, so why would he want a wife who wears a size 20? I actually was in awe that he didn't dump me for someone cuter/thinner/fitter. Or at least have a fling because I sure as **** wasn't taking care of myself and being a good partner in that respect.

But, he loved me and just tried to support me. I don't think he ever understood why I gained and I couldn't explain it as it's not simple, is it? But the reality is. He's here for me and he loves me thick or thin, but he is definitely happier that he is getting a thinner and fitter wife now and I want to be able to be that for him too. He deserves that!

That sounds like my story. I was 117 lbs when I met my husband 6 years ago, I am now 180 lbs. Although I know that prefers me at my healthier weight he has never talked down to me or made me feel like he doesn't love me. Although he never mentioned my weight gain he sounded a little too happy when I told him I was working on losing it. :o

I don't think men having preferences is any different than a woman having preferences. As much as we shouldn't have to settle for someone we are not attracted to neither should a guy. It doesn't make him a bad person it just means that he is not physically attracted to someone for whatever reason. There is really no reason for anyone to settle and I know some thin people who settle for someone who is not good for them because they have low self esteem

Empathicways
06-24-2011, 11:13 AM
"You rarely see fat chicks with skinny averagely-attractive guys."

Maybe, it's just me but when considering a partner, I usually choose someone the same size or heavier than I am. I just wouldn't be comfortable with someone a lot smaller than I am. Id feel awkward and self conscience during certain moments of the relationship.

Munchy
06-24-2011, 01:50 PM
Agreed. It's a sexual fetish, and they don't care about the person inside. It can get quite detailed and very abusive, and much too graphic to describe here. But there is no love, no normal attraction. It's definitely not the same thing as a man loving your curves.

+1

kaplods
06-24-2011, 03:11 PM
"You rarely see fat chicks with skinny averagely-attractive guys."



Really? I see them a lot. I know many such couples among my friends and family and I see them on the street and at church too. Sometimes I've learned that the woman was thin when they met, but not always. Maybe being fat in the midwest isn't as much of a handicap as in some areas of the country.

However, I also think people ignore the couples that don't match stereotypes and preconceptions. Instead of standing out, they sort of disappear into the woodwork. If a fat girl is with an attractive guy, people assume he's probably her brother (I've been mistaken for the sister too many times to count). Or they make a fuss as if the couple is unusual, "she must have money," or some other dig as to how a mismatched couple got together.

Or if a thin guy is with a fat or othrwise unattractive woman, he's automatically perceived as less attractive. People will find a flaw to explain why he's with her. I've seen that actually happen with friends when I was younger. We'd be in a bar, and they'd be really attracted to a guy, then see he was with a less attractive woman (fatter, older, short and funny looking, didn't matter) and suddenly there'd be something wrong with him (especially if they flirted with him, and he wasn't interested - obviously sour grapes).

People do the same when an attractive woman is married to an unattractive man, they say, "He must have money (or some really course statement about how good he must be in bed)."

Social stereotypes do inhibit mismatched couples. People stare and comment, and it's uncomfortable - but it's just as uncomfortable for the "Darma and Greg" type couples than skinny/fatty couples.

Ookpik
06-24-2011, 04:05 PM
I don't think men having preferences is any different than a woman having preferences.

^^^ Agreed. I don't think women are being "shallow" if they prefer thinner men, but I also don't see men as "shallow" for preferring thinner women.

I don't like "chubby chasers" because my concern is, if I ever become thin, will the guy stop being attracted to me and leave me? Sometimes couples break up because one person gains weight and the other partner is no longer attracted, so it is reasonable to assume that this is a possibility if one of the partners loses weight, if the other partner is attracted to heavier people.

I used to have an open profile on Plenty of Fish and they have this feature where you can add profiles as "favorites". One guy added me and we corresponded a little. His profile stated that he wasn't "shallow like some guys who only like thin women". IMO, he was no less "shallow" than men who prefer thin women. We didn't correspond that long.

0o0o KimoKawaii o0o0
06-24-2011, 10:02 PM
I agree with Ashley about the label "chubby chaser". It doesn't make sense that they're labeled for liking bigger girls, but I'm not a chubby chaser and I would only ever date bigger guys unless they really won me over. Why can't a guy like a big girl without being labeled and turned away because he likes their body (but they don't want to be liked for their body because THEY don't like their body) but I can totally like a big guy for his body and not be labeled at all? I dunno, I just hate labels I guess.


I SPENT MY WHOLE LIFE NOT LIKING LABELS SO I'M NOT SOME CHICK WHO JUST GOES BY LABELS, This is all silly symantics.....it shouldn't be that hard to FIGURE OUT what i mean by saying CHUBBY-CHASERS INSTEAD OF BEING SUPER DUPER SENSEITIVE ABOUT IT. If a good friend of mine calls me an Anime-Loser, or Video Game Geek, or Animeholic, i'm not going to get offended by the words "HOLIC", "GEEK" OR "LOSER" -- I'LL KNOW WHAT THEY MEAN AND GET OVER IT!!!

and AGAINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN I PERSONALLY DONT CARE IF SOME GUY WANTS TO LIKE FAT CHICKS, BUT I DON'T WANT SOME GUY COMING UP TO ME JUST BECAUSE I'M FAT AS H*LL!
I HAVE A PERSONALITY, I CAN TALK, I LIKE THINGS, AND I HAVE MY OWN FREAKIN PREFERENCES! IT WOULD BE NICE FOR SOMEONE TO APPROACH ME ON MY PERSONALITY OR WHAT I'M WEARING OR SOMETHING FUN OR DIFFERENT! THAT'S ONLY HAPPENED TO ME ONCE!!!!!!!! ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL other times, the FEW dudes who have approached, have done so because of my weight - made obvious by comments or etc., i'm not just assuming, or because they're horny FREAKS who think i'm easy.





Honestly, I agree that there is a double standard...but to me the double standard rests with the women. This may sound weird coming from a larger woman who has always had trouble with dating...but to me its wrong to say that a woman should never have to settle for an "ugly" man, then turn around and say that men are shallow for not being attracted to larger women. Why should men have to "settle"? If a man isn't physically attracted to a larger lady, isn't that just as ok as a woman not being physically attracted to a larger man (or w/e the case is)??

My point is...I'm in strong agreement that physical attraction is important in a relationship. I don't think anyone should be RUDE or MEAN about someone's physical appearance. However, I just think it's interesting that men are immediately called shallow if they don't want to date an obese woman, while a woman can list off specific body types they won't date and that's totally ok. I just don't get it I guess. I think it's a 2-way street.




Please don't act like all i said was " i don't want to settle for an ugly guy" ! I SAID I HAVE A PREFERENCE!! AND THAT FAT WOMEN SHOULDN'T BE MADE TO FEEL LIKE THEY CANT HAVE A PREFERENCE!!
AND I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO JUST SETTLE ON WHOEVER I CAN GET BECAUSE I'M FAT......LIKE I SAID IN MY ORIGINAL POST a few people don't care about looks AT ALL and would date a hellboy look a like, and some people love fat people, and some people like amputees, and some like hairy or all-natural people, but EVERYONE HAS THEIR OWN PREFERENCE and they should be allowed to HAVE IT! And i never said anything about men not having the right to have their own preference in my post!!!!!!!!! I UNDERSTAND THE PHYSICALLY ATTRACTED CRAP AND I NEVER SAID A MAN CAN'T BE PHYSICALLY ATTRACTED TO THEIR GF, I JUST SAID THAT SOCIETY TENDS TO MAKE FAT OBESE WOMEN FEEL AS IF THEY CAN HAVE NO PREFERENCE WHILE FAT A** MEN CAN WALK AROUND WANTING & HITTING-ON ONLY SUPER SKINNY GORGEOUS MODELS! [does that apply to all fat men? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Am i saying all fat men don't have body issues like we do?? NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm simply stating the DOUBLE STANDARD that SOMEEEEEEEE fat men are allowed to get away with that MOST fat women CAN'T get away with!]


Damn it, i HATEEEE perfectly gorgeous ken-doll men.......brad pitt is NOTTTTTTTTTTT hot to me! ****, i'm attracted to a lot of guys that other chicks would find ugly since i'm personally into a lot of rocker, tatted/pierced-up, super long hair guys and a LOT of girls AREN'T........so don't get on me about only liking hot guys, that's TOTAL BS!!!!!!!








And no matter what you guys might think behind my back, i honestly dont mean to sound like a b*tch, but all this focus on semantics and me having to repeat myself over and over again while the real point of my post is being completely lost is just frustrating to me!

I will most definitely just being the **** alone until i lose weight..........if i can get lucky like a few other women out there, and find a nice guy, who i'm attracted to, and who is attracted to me, then w/e.......but i'm not holding out ope for it.

0o0o KimoKawaii o0o0
06-24-2011, 10:09 PM
I think the reason a lot of women don't like "chubby chasers" (not the obnoxious "I like thick women pick up line guy", but guys in general who like heavier women is that these women aren't happy in their chubby suit so don't want to have guys coming onto them for something they don't like about themselves.

I think the biggest reason a heavier guy can pick up a thinner girl is two fold. One, men are more visual than woman. Guys look at women's bodies to get turned on (Playboy, porn, lingerie). Women read romance novels, set the mood with lighting and smells. These are generalizations, of course, but I think a woman can more easily overlook bodily imperfections than men can and do.

Secondly, many women still want to be provided for. A heavy man with a gut and no hair and bad teeth is more likely to be successful in finding a mate if he earns well. If it's reversed, the woman is heavy, thin hair and bad teeth and also earns well, I don't think it helps her chances because most men aren't looking for financial security. It could even turn some men off!

And overweight men do have a hard time finding a mate too. As do short and skinnier ones for not being seen as 'manly' enough. (Similar to very tall women, but I think it's even worse for short men than for tall women).




I Agree!!!

I know part of the reason i hate being approached by "chubby chasers" is because i'm not confident or happy at my own weight and feel ugly.
But i also don't want to be liked simply because of my obesity.....that's odd to me - confident or not. I have a really unique personality, and i like fun goofy things and i really wish we lived in a society where personality counted for something! But it just doesn't seem to in most situations now a days.........pisses me off v_v








Don't settle, EVER.

I grew up thinking I must have been the most hideous girl in the planet. My school was small, and almost every girl in it looked like she could have won a beauty pageant. I thought that was the way the world worked because I lived it. I was "fat" in high school because I was bigger boned and we only had one actual "fat' girl in the entire school. (I'm talking maybe 100 kids).
I went to college never having even been asked for a dance at our pathetic dances or even getting a romantic hug. In college I had no confidence and hid in my room. I thought I would never find a good guy, even a bad guy. I tried in high school, never got a nice let down either. Just a "NO!" sometimes with an added, "FATTY!" or "NERD!" (Forgive me for being an all A student).

I met a guy on a ... *cough* ... video game when I was 20. He was annoying, selfish, but we were "friends" online. One day he asked to meet me. This happens a lot on video games. People say, "OH GIRL! LET'S MEET!" And it never happens. Apparently this guy was serious.

We talked on the phone for a long time before we met. I didn't want to have sex with him or really date him. But he was the first male to ever give me any real attention. We met, I was technically raped, and then I "fell in love" Because even though I was forced to do a sexual act, I didn't want to look at it that way.

Anyway, I stuck with him for a long time. He was annoying, selfish, Obese, really kinda non attractive in every way possible, and I hate to say it... but really dumb. I couldn't have a single actual intelligent conversation with him. The reason I stuck with him, I settled. I thought he was the best I could ever do. I thought this was the only "man" that would ever want me. (He even helped me with this thought by hinting to me that he was all I could get on occasion).

I eventually wised up and ditched him. It still hurt, but I know it's because I settled. I thought that was all I was worth. I know better now. I've dated other guys since and it's amazing the difference when someone treats you right. When someone doesn't say things like, "I just want to LOOK" on the first date and instead understands when it's just going to be a kiss goodnight. I won't ever settle again.

I deserve, as does everyone else, a good man. You can be obese, thin, tall, wide, short, religious, atheist, any race... it doesn't matter you DESERVE someone good. Someone who treats you right. Someone who you have attraction to. Someone you can hold a good conversation with who doesn't LIE to you. There are good men out there that will like a woman for her, not because she falls under an ideal or a fetish, but because he can't stop thinking about her smile and loves every text he gets because he just likes talking with her.

You're not shallow for shopping for that perfect guy. Most of us are looking for marriage, if you can't stand a guy for a night, you can't stomach them for a lifetime. Some men are more attractive once you get to know them, some suddenly look like Dr. Frankenstein's monster once you get to know them. Some times you have to give them a shot, other times you just know it won't work out. (Especially if their pick up line is: "DAMN Girl! I like 'em thick!")



First, thank you so much for sharing that story with me........it's not something all would want to share, and i recognize that and appreciate it ten folds.

And secondly, THANK YOU again - for you seem to get what i'm saying! Your words seriously calmed me a down from my previous over-the-top post.....and i'm really glad lol. =)

I'm really sorry you had to go through that......to me it's painful and upsetting to see any woman settling like that, and i really just hate it.....i can't put into words how much it bothers me to see that. It's just not fair or right.......and yes, i know, life's not fair all the time, but it's just so wrong to see women, or a person in general, feel like they have no choice and should just put up with abuse or misery or etc. because they're not worthy of more, and i guess that's why i said early on in life, i'd rather be alone for the rest of my life - than settle. I don't know who instilled that in me, but i'm thankful nevertheless.

[of course i don't think i'll be alone my whole life, i mean i'm only 21, but it seriously feels like "forever" when you've spent the last 8-10 years being overweight and obese, and not really having any dates.......life v_v]


Thank you so much again for your post.......it helped a ton.

Lovely
06-24-2011, 10:12 PM
We're all attracted to different things. We're all picky about something. And if we don't have standards,... well then it sounds desperate that we just have anyone, and not a special someone.

There are people who are MORE reliant on physical attractiveness. Seeing as there isn't a right or wrong about it, they get to be just as picky as anyone else about who they date. There are people out there who will date a person they find attractive even if said attractive person has a horrifyingly awful personality. They have the same right to be less picky about personality. (Not saying the two always go together, goodness no.)

Are standards always fair? Probably not. But, who gets to decide what fair standards mean? There's no one objective about that on Earth.

exjordanaire
06-24-2011, 10:21 PM
I, for one, have never been skinny. Always thick and curvy. All of my exes have been smaller than me (some really skinny) but all have been attractive. I've always been self-conscious about myself but never did I feel the need to settle. I knew I had the personality to get them hooked and if that didn't work, f*** 'em.

It's hard to be a big person - female or male. We are looked at in a different light from the rest of the world and it's hard to find a partner who is genuine and loves you for you.. weight and all. My boyfriend now is two inches shorter than me and about 65 pounds lighter than myself. Although I can't help but sometimes feel awkward about our difference but honestly, he makes me feel so good about myself that I hardly even think about it.

I'm losing weight for me, myself and I. I want to be healthier and feel better but also I want to be able to live a long time with someone who loves me so dearly.

We all hold the right to be picky. Just don't become nit-picky.

Lovely
06-24-2011, 10:26 PM
Damn it, i HATEEEE perfectly gorgeous ken-doll men.......brad pitt is NOTTTTTTTTTTT hot to me! ****, i'm attracted to a lot of guys that other chicks would find ugly since i'm personally into a lot of rocker, tatted/pierced-up, super long hair guys and a LOT of girls AREN'T........so don't get on me about only liking hot guys, that's TOTAL BS!!!!!!!

I certainly hope this doesn't come across as how it might sound... the internets and lack of tone and all... so I apologize in advance if this comes across as ...I dunno... something. But, reading through your post I thought this:

Not liking a ken doll is a standard, too. You like rocker guys. Ain't nothing wrong with it. But, it still falls under a standard or a want/need.

And no matter what you guys might think behind my back, i honestly dont mean to sound like a b*tch, but all this focus on semantics and me having to repeat myself over and over again while the real point of my post is being completely lost is just frustrating to me!

To me it sounded more like the conversation was just progressing naturally. Some people might hear the word "chubby chaser" and think two different things. One might think a person who just likes bigger women, and the other might think it borders on the fetish side. (As was pointed out.)

Is it semantics? Maybe, but there are often tangents that run along through posts. Nothing personal to be taken from them.

You started an interesting discussion. Not everyone may be replying directly to only the thoughts as you first stated them, but to thoughts of others as people began to reply.

I will most definitely just being the **** alone until i lose weight..........if i can get lucky like a few other women out there, and find a nice guy, who i'm attracted to, and who is attracted to me, then w/e.......but i'm not holding out ope for it.

It's more than a few women who've found gentlemen who they like and who like them back. Even just scanning through 3FC there are a TON of married women or women in committed relationships. I almost don't think it's luck, I just think it's a matter of time, and effort.

It's great to have standards and stick to them. Everyone should.

kaplods
06-24-2011, 11:46 PM
I agree that society encourages people to act in accordance with stereotypes, but I don't agree that it forces us too. We all have a right to fit a stereotype or to defy it.

No one is arranging marriages, forcing fat chicks or anyone to date and marry fat or ugly guys.

Very often, the biggest obstacle we have isn't society's expectations of us, it's our own expectations.

My hubby still doesn't understand why I wanted him, because I made more money, had more education, had a more prestigious job. He was younger, hung with a less educated crowd...

It wasn't society's standards, or even hubby's standards regarding what a fat woman like me should expect that allowed me to choose him. I was accountable only to my own standards, and while they weren't what society usually expects any woman (fat or not) to want, my husband had the traits I was looking for. My standards were damned high, they just weren't the standards that people expected me to have.

You get to pick your standards, not everyone else (I think everyone else was just discussing the general topic, and sharing their own standards - call it semantics but I think it was just conversation).

Sure it's hard to find someone when you're in a minority (any kind of minority) that isn't considered especially attractive by the mainstream. It just means that you may have to search outside the mainstream. And if you're looking for someone in another minority or cluster of minorities, that's going to make it harder too.

But really, that's where personal ads come in handy, because if you're looking for a specific type you can find it in a personal ad, or write your own personal ad to find what you're looking for.

The main reason I placed the personal ad that hooked me up with my husband, was because I wasn't finding what I was looking for, and I knew that the odds of finding the guy I wanted, who also wanted me wasn't going to happen randomly. I had to go looking for the guys, looking for me.

Unlike my thin, prettier friends who had placed personal ads, I didn't want to cast the net wide and hope to have a huge haul of men to pick from. You know the kind of ads these people (men and women) place. They describe themselves and the partner they want so generically, that 90% of the population fits the bill. And who really likes walks in the rain, anyway?

Nope, I was specific and demanding. I gave my real weight, age, height, eye, and hair color (and all the colors it might be as the mood strikes). I mentioned that I was currently dieting and looking for someone who was in the same situation (to show that I didn't rule out fat guys on principle) or sympathetic to it. Someone who could accept me at 350 - 150 and anywhere in between (because I didn't want a guy who had such a narrow view of attractiveness that he'd leave if I reached a normal weight - no different than a thin girl having a right to make sure she's not dating someone who will leave if she gains 10 lbs or gets a gray hair). I made the ad funny (to my sense of humor) so that it would weed out people without a quirky sense of humor. I gave the age range of who I would most be interested in, and height preference too. I made it clear I wanted a slow-moving, committed relationship, not just booty calls. I listed my preferences in music, books, and movies, and my interest in ethnic cuisine and traveling, the fact that I didn't like hanging out in bars as I wasn't much of a drinker... all the things I wanted, expected, and could offer.

Now some guys responded who didn't fit some or any of my listed preferences. I only responded to the ones I found interesting. None of them met all of my preferences, but I didn't respond to anyone who didn't fit at least 75%. Some guys sounded interesting in their reply, but after a few phone conversations, I said "thanks but no thanks" because they weren't what I was looking for.

I didn't respond to the 19 year old black college student with dreadlocks (he sounded nice, and I'm ok with inter-racial dating, but the 16 year age difference, not so much).

I didn't respond to the trucker who wanted a no-strings, sex-only relationship (the idiot didn't understand why I didn't respond to his reply, and left several voice mail messages - each time reinforcing the message that he wanted a free prostitute).

I didn't respond to the 70 year old, bald, toothless, recovering alcoholic (and ironically, the only things he mentioned about himself in the voicemail was that he was 70, bald, toothless, couldn't afford dentures, and was a recovering alcoholic. He didn't mention one positive thing about himself or why I should be interested).

I met one guy who looked and seemed great - everything I was looking for. He was a little heavy, but looked like a sterotypical california surfer who had put on a few years and a few pounds. He was extremely tall and gorgeous, except for a little extra weight, but it was all so proportional, most women would have considered him hot. He was deeply tan (at a time of year, that meant it was from a tanning booth - so minus one point for vanity), pale blond hair, gorgeous blue eyes. The date went absolutely fabulously, and I was very much impressed. The only negative during the date, was that he seemed a little too good to be true. I suspected (with no real basis for the suspicion other than my gut instincts) that he had exagerated his accomplishments somewhat.

Sure enough, when I checked him out, his story didn't add up. A coworker, who happened to sit next to my cube lived in the same town, so I asked my friend about this guy, and turns out my gut instincts were right. He wasn't a commercial pilot, he had a cropdusting service that went out of business (more exageration, than lie) but also that he was 20 years older than he claimed to be (he did LOOK the age he claimed to be, but major negative points for lying). The age difference and moreso the lying, bothered me enough to turn down a second date with him. He got a little huffy, thinking I had judged him based on his appearance (he was way wrong there, because he definitely did have sex appeal). I didn't want to go into the fact that I had discovered his exagerations, because I didn't want to hear him defend them. I just left it at "no chemistry" and "didn't see a future" because of how different our personalities were (also true enough).




My point is that of course, you can have standards, you can have whatever standards you want to have. They can be based on anything you want them to be based on. People were just sharing their standards and beliefs about how much of their own standards were related to physical attractiveness (and it ran the gamut, from very important to not important at all, but that's no different than all of our other preferences too).

For me, sense of humor (and more importantly getting my sense of humor) was more important than body type. Ability to converse on any topic for hours (and accept my talking for hours) was more important than salary potential. Sharing my interest in science fiction, irish music, ethnic cuisine, and travel documentaries was more important than my preference for clean-shaven appearance (my hubby refuses to go without at least a moustache because it covers a chicken pox scar, he's sensitive about).

Those aren't criteria that most women value to the degree that I do, and they're not qualities our culture values, but our culture doesn't have to live with the man, I do. I chose him based on my very high standards, they're just not the standards most people understand.

You're only accountable to yourself for your preferences. Society may not expect you to have the preferences you have, but you're certainly entitled to them, no matter what anyone else says.

But you also have to consider who is telling you that your standards are inappropriate? They guys you reject? Well, ****'s bell's, that's just sour grapes. All women get that, even the thin, super model types. A woman rejects a guy and he calls her fat or stuck up. He's saying that to make himself feel better, not because it's true.

You may feel that there's social pressure for you to accept guys beneath your standards, but that doesn't make it true. Know what you want, and go out looking for it. You still get to choose, based on any criteria you want to, whether "society" likes it or not

Personally, I highly recommend the personal ad route, because it worked so well for me. It also has the advantage of you putting out there, what you want so you'll get more replies from those kind of guys (and if you're up-front in the ad about your physical and personality attributes, you won't have to deal with guys who reject you because you don't meet their standards).

goodbadgirl83
06-25-2011, 09:25 AM
I am horribly superficial when it comes to men, so much so it almost makes me feel ashamed of myself, I prefer guys with a great face and ripped body, I guess I'm a little chauvinistic(?).

I think that's why I'm 28, never married with no children.:D

MedChick87
06-25-2011, 01:42 PM
[SIZE="2"][B]Please don't act like all i said was " i don't want to settle for an ugly guy" ! I SAID I HAVE A PREFERENCE!! AND THAT FAT WOMEN SHOULDN'T BE MADE TO FEEL LIKE THEY CANT HAVE A PREFERENCE!!
AND I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO JUST SETTLE ON WHOEVER I CAN GET BECAUSE I'M FAT......LIKE I SAID IN MY ORIGINAL POST a few people don't care about looks AT ALL and would date a hellboy look a like, and some people love fat people, and some people like amputees, and some like hairy or all-natural people, but EVERYONE HAS THEIR OWN PREFERENCE and they should be allowed to HAVE IT! And i never said anything about men not having the right to have their own preference in my post!!!!!!!!! I UNDERSTAND THE PHYSICALLY ATTRACTED CRAP AND I NEVER SAID A MAN CAN'T BE PHYSICALLY ATTRACTED TO THEIR GF, I JUST SAID THAT SOCIETY TENDS TO MAKE FAT OBESE WOMEN FEEL AS IF THEY CAN HAVE NO PREFERENCE WHILE FAT A** MEN CAN WALK AROUND WANTING & HITTING-ON ONLY SUPER SKINNY GORGEOUS MODELS! [does that apply to all fat men? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Am i saying all fat men don't have body issues like we do?? NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm simply stating the DOUBLE STANDARD that SOMEEEEEEEE fat men are allowed to get away with that MOST fat women CAN'T get away with!]


Damn it, i HATEEEE perfectly gorgeous ken-doll men.......brad pitt is NOTTTTTTTTTTT hot to me! ****, i'm attracted to a lot of guys that other chicks would find ugly since i'm personally into a lot of rocker, tatted/pierced-up, super long hair guys and a LOT of girls AREN'T........so don't get on me about only liking hot guys, that's TOTAL BS!!!!!!!








And no matter what you guys might think behind my back, i honestly dont mean to sound like a b*tch, but all this focus on semantics and me having to repeat myself over and over again while the real point of my post is being completely lost is just frustrating to me!

I will most definitely just being the **** alone until i lose weight..........if i can get lucky like a few other women out there, and find a nice guy, who i'm attracted to, and who is attracted to me, then w/e.......but i'm not holding out ope for it.


I wasn't attacking you or really even disagreeing with you in my post. I totally agree that larger women SHOULD have a preference to who they date. I guess I was just giving my thoughts as to the double standard that a lot of overweight women have against men. I wasn't necessarily speaking to your post, more the overall topic at hand and trying to put things into perspective. Sorry if it offended you in any way.

gma22
06-26-2011, 11:06 AM
Another country heard from so to speak. I am a senior (57 yr old) and have been married almost 39 years. I weighed 185 when Jack and I got married and I am 400 lbs now. He thought I was beautiful and sexy back then and still calls me gorgeous instead of my name most of the time. He does not however find other large women attractive. So in that respect he would not be what others have called a chubby chaser. I have a different perspective because I truly believe God picked this man for me. I will not go into what was involved, let's just say I was given Jack by God and I believe that is one reason our marriage has lasted and we are extremely happy.

Now as for others, first off if the person you are with is ashamed of you, kick the pig to the street. The first time any man said anything to me about needing to lose weight, I would give him a black eye and tell him to hit the road. I do think it is much harder nowadays to find decent men frankly but they are out there. I also believe handing your goodies out like candy is reprehensible and you should treasure your sexuality not pass it around. The old adage getting the milk for free holds true ladies. I think it is ridiculous that nowadays you HAVE to have sex in a relationship that is not marital. That is bologna and I think women and men who engage in premarital sex have no respect for themselves or the person they have sex with. Sorry, you might say I am old fashioned and out of date, but my husband was in the Navy, 23 yr old when I met him but he was a virgin as was I and the fact is, how many of you have had a wonderful relationship with the same man for 39 years, huh????

Giving in just to have a male in your life is wrong. You are better off staying single. There ARE decent men in this world and settling for whatever reason makes you pathetic. Be proud of who you are now, whatever your size might be NOW! Hold you head up and don't be ashamed. Be happy with yourself fat so you can be happy with yourself thin. Above all respect yourself in all things be it sex, relations, jobs, whatever. If you don't have proper respect for yourself you cannot expect anyone else to.