General chatter - I have nobody to talk to about this




mzKiki
06-15-2011, 03:13 PM
8 years ago I met and fell in love with my husband. He was a great guy, our biggest issue was that he was a bit on the young side (i'm 8 yrs older than him). He was the type of guy who would come outside and discover a parking ticket on his car and would immediately drive to the violations bureau and pay the ticket (this really happened!) He always worked, paid his own insurance, treated for everything when we went out, was emotionally supportive and generous.
But as he got older he started to regress. He became financially irresponsible, started hanging out with his cousin (a known gang member and generally not a very nice guy). I would ask him why he was doing these things and he never really had an answer. He started staying out later and later and sometimes not coming home at all. He also became emotionally abusive towards me. In general he morphed into this crazy stranger that I didn't recognize. However, sometimes I would still see the guy I met and fell for.
After we got married 4 years ago he really got bad.
Well he came in late one night 4 yrs ago and shortly after that the police came knocking at the door. Apparently he had been involved in an armed robbery of a local store. He was driving while someone (who has never been identified) went into the store and robbed it. He was driving his own vehicle (registered to my MOTHER) and the cops came and got him in less than 30 mins.
This was his 1st offense and he received probation for 6years.
The thing is after he came home he was better, still some rough edges but not on the same road he had been on previously.
We still had our problems and actually separated for about a year and recently got back together.
Well he is now like the best man in the world. He talks about his feelings, he went to school and has a great job that he loves, he is kind, nurturing, a great daddy, and supportive emotionally and financially.
He's just about finished with his probation and this is where the problem comes in!
He had a court date on Monday. He is being discharged from his probation and has been totally successful and has paid all his fines and restitution. When he came home from court he was really distant and cold. Later in the evening he told me that when he received his probation it came with a stipulation something called a reverse sentence. He was sentenced to 4 years probation and once his probation is completed he will have to serve prison time for 2 YEARS! I asked him why would he agree to something like that and why was he just telling me this all these years later.
He says at the time when he agreed to it his public defender told him that if he was successful on probation and paid all of his restitution that most likely the prison sentence would be suspended. Well it wasn't!!!
I just feel betrayed, devastated, scared, sad so many conflicting emotions.
I can't talk to anyone in my family or my friends about this and just wanted to "talk" to someone.


MiZTaCCen
06-15-2011, 03:32 PM
hmm, I'd say years of waste that's for sure. But that's my opinion. clearly the guy keeps hurting you in different ways so ask yourself, how much more hurt can you handle or are you willing to handle. I'd say good riddens and take the two years he's going to jail to figure out your life for yourself and family and so on. That's what I would do anyways.

Esofia
06-15-2011, 03:48 PM
Abusive relationships are an absolute headf***, so of course you're feeling like this. I'd suggest getting some support for an organisation that helps women in abusive relationships. Don't worry, it doesn't have to be actively abusive right now for you to qualify, they will even aid women who have been out of the relationships for years but are still traumatised by it. There is probably also formal support out there for prisoners' partners, where they will know exactly what you are going through.


thinin08
06-15-2011, 03:50 PM
I don't have a solution for you. Just wanted to say I am so sorry you are going through this. I am sending you :hugs: and good thoughts. Take care of yourself.

Lovely
06-15-2011, 03:56 PM
I am so sorry that this is happening :( I honestly can't imagine what that's like, but I wanted to send a hug. :hug:

dmam82
06-15-2011, 03:57 PM
I work for victims support services and see alot of this girl. First, I would think you should verify if that was what his attorney actually told him and if it was maybe consult a private attorney. As for the rest of the things going on you need to make sure he was changing for the better and not just to walk his probation! And to agree with Esofia, there are many organizations out there for women who have been in physical, emotional, and sexually abusive relationships whether they are active or not. A good place to start is to see if you local lawenforcement or prosecutors office has a victims advocate (im not sure if all states have one or not). If so they can steer you in the right direction if you want help. Also not all but some of your domestic violence shelters are not just a safe haven for battered women to live, some of them offer other services such as counseling and if you need other help with utilities, food, diapers etc etc etc some have ties with that type of help too. Good luck to you girl and even if it is just emotinal now dont get sucked into the cycle because that is all it is.

bargoo
06-15-2011, 03:59 PM
If ypu are saying he is going to prison for 2 years your family and friends will find out. I don't know what advice I can give you except maybe you should tell your family the truth.

NEMom
06-15-2011, 04:30 PM
HUGS to you my dear, this is just awful!
While I do NOT want you to stay in an abusive relationship, it sounds like maybe he had wised up in the last couple of years and was starting to get his act together.
As for you withholding this information about the possible prison term from you, I can see how he might have justified it but reasoning that he was going to do anything within his power to abide by the probation guidelines, pay his fine and on his current attorney's advice, avoid prison. He probably never imagined that he was actually going to be sent to prison and he did not want to have you worrying about it for the past for years. If it is financially possible, I would hire a different attorney.
When does he have to turn himself in and begin his sentence? Is there any possibility that he could to into work release?
I cannot imagine what you are going through. When I am under extreme stress, the best thing I can do is work on what needs to be done. What I mean is, start planning what YOU need to support you and your children when he is gone. Will you need to move? Will you need new daycare? Find a counselor who you can confide in and who can support you during this very difficult time.

Mmckellen
06-15-2011, 04:39 PM
I have NEVER heard of a sentence where probation comes before a prison term EVER and I work with a lot of lawyers. I think you need to verify this. Probation comes AFTER a prison sentence, not before. There would be absolutely no reason to have someone on probation for 4 years and then put them in prison. Something seems very fishy here. You need to call the lawyer, see something in writing.

ETA: I immediately googled this and found it is applicable in the state of Florida, not in NJ. And, they only ever impose the prison sentence if the person has violated the terms of their probation. Again, you need to verify this somehow.

Esofia
06-15-2011, 04:44 PM
A little-known fact about abusive men (this probably applies to abusive women too, but I haven't seen generalisations about them) is that they are almost always total charmers who do a Jekyll and Hyde trick. This is one of the main reasons why it's so hard to get out of abusive relationships, and also why it can be so hard convincing other people who only see the charming side. The abused partner ends up completely confused, unable to process two completely contradictory sides of someone they love, and clinging on desperately to the seemingly-nice side because they don't want to believe that the bad stuff is really true. No one wants to think that they are vulnerable and at risk, and that they are loving someone who is harming them. This is why I am suggesting getting support from an organisation (and/or self-help book) where they deal with domestic abuse, so that they will truly understand it.

Best wishes, hon, it sounds like an absolute nightmare. And I agree that the probation first, prison later thing sounds fishy. I'm wondering whether he broke the terms of his probation right near the end and didn't tell you.

gonnadoitthistime
06-15-2011, 04:55 PM
This sounds like a hokey story he came up with, there is no point in having probation that is followed by a definite prison sentence. Think about it. Someone is enough of a danger to require incarceration, but FIRST let's let him run free for years before we actually punish him. Get some legal advice, he may have had a suspended sentence and did not complete all requirements of his probation, or got in trouble (that you don't know about).
In any event, if he "goes away" it would be the perfect time to sever ties.
Oh, also just thought of something, is this maybe a scam for you to give him cash, take out a loan for him, mortgage the house, borrow money from your family?

gonnadoitthistime
06-15-2011, 04:58 PM
Oh, and he sounds like he may have issues that require a psychiatrist. Personality changes you describe might indicate mood disorders, or drugs.

zoritsa
06-15-2011, 09:40 PM
Do you think he maybe violated his probation and has to now serve time,but is afraid to tell you? My step-brother has played games like that before....afraid to tell his dad he messed up,so makes up some other excuse as to why he has to go to prison.Sorry you're having to deal with all that.~hugs~

mzKiki
06-15-2011, 09:56 PM
Thank you all for the advice and well wishes. I have thought about the possibility of him violating his probation in some way, but he wouldn't have a full 2 years left on the original sentence, just a few months. FYI for the past 10yrs I have worked as a counselor at a parole progam then halfway house and have never heard of a reverse sentence either. However, we are meeting with his lawyer together on Tuesday so we will get to the bottom of everything.
I think it is a good idea to start looking into some kind of counseling and I had been thinking about it. We did attend marriage counseling but I always wanted something to just deal with my issues.
@gonnadothis in the early days when he first started acting strangely I too had the feeling that something just wasn't right and spoke to him about it. He actually agreed to go to mental health counseling, but I made the appointment, found the DR and did all the legwork in general. I think he was just going along so as not to hear my mouth. He had one appointment, pretended to forget about the next appointment and then got arrested a week later. I spoke to my MIL about this and she agreed that he probably needed help as the change was so drastic.
I think part of his change was the desire to be a success on probation but overall he's grown and matured a good 70% since then.
Who knows, maybe everything happens for a reason.
I will have a small change financially once he is gone. Thankfully we moved into my moms basement in Oct to save for a house. I guess that's not happening.
Anyway I will keep you all updated and thanks so much for the advice.

kaplods
06-15-2011, 11:06 PM
I was a probation officer for three years in central Illinois, and I've never heard of a "reverse sentence," what I believe he is talking about is a "deferred sentence," which generally means that if he successfully meets and completes the conditions of his probation, they will dismiss the prison sentence.

It is extremely unlikely that his probation was "totally successful." That doesn't jive with my experience of deferred sentences. I would suspect that he did not successfully complete all the terms of his probation. Most of the grounds for refusing to dismiss the deferred sentence are very serious.

In most cases, even if fines haven't been paid or counseling hasn't been completed, probation will be extended rather than implement the deferred sentence.

Personally (and jurisdictions can vary, so I'm not saying this is necessarily so) I've never seen a probation client's deferred sentence be applied unless a new crime was committed.

Even if it were just an uncompleted term of the probation, this isn't something he would just learn now, this is something his probation officer would have been warning him (in fact, nagging him constantly) about.

I would recommend that you contact his probation officer and ask to speak with him or her (in person, ideally). There are some things the PO won't be able to tell you, but (s)he should be able to tell you whether there is a reason for the prison sentence not being dismissed. If he was convicted of another crime, this will be a matter of public record, and the PO can tell you that.

I'm very concerned for you, because his story doesn't hold water. And a history of abusive behavior and legal problems combined with lies and dishonesty, don't add up to "reformed man." Before you can make any rational decisions, you need to know the facts.

I would also recommend seeking help from women's advocacy and/or domestic violence resources, because they will help you find the resources you need to truly investigate and understand what's going on here. You unfortunately can't believe his unsubstantiated story (I'm not saying that I guarantee that hie is lying, but I personally would not bet any money on his story).

Good luck.

Chubbykins
06-16-2011, 01:35 AM
I am just making an educated guess, but did your husband start doing drugs all those years before?
In my personal experiense people around me that changed from nice house-dad to failed-gangster were almost always addicts desperate to find money to support their problems.

Anyways, guesses aside, I think both you and your kids have been treated worse than you deserve and you should perhaps think how much more you can and should take of this.

You don't hide from your wife that there is a prison sentence looming over your head, unless... there is a reason. And that reason stinks a mile away.

kurisitaru
06-16-2011, 01:55 AM
I'm glad you're sitting down with the lawyer together to get to the bottom of the prison sentence. Everyone is right, jail/prison time doesn't happen after the prison sentence unless probation was broke or something happened.

And, here's the hard thing, abusive relationships are so hard to deal with. When you feel low about a small thing, someone who is suppose to care about and love you, can take advantage of it and use it as a control. My ex did this, I felt ugly so he would tell me I was but that, "He loved me anyway, isn't it nice to know that he loved me considering no one else would?" You start to feel like they are all you have and all you can have. They have good sides, charming sides, they tell you they are looking for a job and pretend to. Later you find out lies like that they haven't submitted a SINGLE application and even hint that you could take care of them if you worked harder. Sad thing is, you know it's abusive or about to be. You know there is a problem, you know that the "strong" women wouldn't put up with it. But you also know that you "love" them, you know they have a way of making you feel special and wanted.

Here it comes. Look past the B*ll Sh*t. YOU ARE WORTH MORE!
You are worth more than the lies they give you about doing good on probation.
You are worth more than someone who tells you that you are "big" and are "lucky" to have them.
You are worth more than moving into your moms basement, no matter the reason.
You are worth more than someone who commits crimes.
You are worth more than someone who loves you only when it's convenient to love you.
You are worth more than ANY of what you have gone through.

Maybe you love him, and care about him. But you can't be his crutch forever someday you'll need to find someone who can appreciate you for you, and trust me.... relationships are so different when they are loving on both sides. You think you're so happy with who you are with and that that is love, but trust me, once you find someone who treats you right, even if they aren't Mr. Right, relationships suddenly look a little more "Romantic Comedy" and less "Horror"

dmam82
06-16-2011, 09:33 AM
I'm glad you're sitting down with the lawyer together to get to the bottom of the prison sentence. Everyone is right, jail/prison time doesn't happen after the prison sentence unless probation was broke or something happened.

And, here's the hard thing, abusive relationships are so hard to deal with. When you feel low about a small thing, someone who is suppose to care about and love you, can take advantage of it and use it as a control. My ex did this, I felt ugly so he would tell me I was but that, "He loved me anyway, isn't it nice to know that he loved me considering no one else would?" You start to feel like they are all you have and all you can have. They have good sides, charming sides, they tell you they are looking for a job and pretend to. Later you find out lies like that they haven't submitted a SINGLE application and even hint that you could take care of them if you worked harder. Sad thing is, you know it's abusive or about to be. You know there is a problem, you know that the "strong" women wouldn't put up with it. But you also know that you "love" them, you know they have a way of making you feel special and wanted.

Here it comes. Look past the B*ll Sh*t. YOU ARE WORTH MORE!
You are worth more than the lies they give you about doing good on probation.
You are worth more than someone who tells you that you are "big" and are "lucky" to have them.
You are worth more than moving into your moms basement, no matter the reason.
You are worth more than someone who commits crimes.
You are worth more than someone who loves you only when it's convenient to love you.
You are worth more than ANY of what you have gone through.

Maybe you love him, and care about him. But you can't be his crutch forever someday you'll need to find someone who can appreciate you for you, and trust me.... relationships are so different when they are loving on both sides. You think you're so happy with who you are with and that that is love, but trust me, once you find someone who treats you right, even if they aren't Mr. Right, relationships suddenly look a little more "Romantic Comedy" and less "Horror"



You are so right girl! there needs to be love on both sides to make it work and when there is it is the most wonderful beautiful thing in the world and nothing else matters! Well said:cp:

RiceBunnie
06-17-2011, 01:16 AM
You've got some great advice going on here everyone! =)
You have every right to feel as you do and I'm giving you the biggest eHug or shoulder to lean on. That's not cool at all.
I hope all goes well with your meeting and that you get the answers you need, whatever they may be. If they are not what you were hoping for, I hope you take the time to learn how special you are and how you deserve to be treated better than that, whatever his issues may be.
RB

CeciliaM
06-17-2011, 07:40 AM
GET OUT, GET OUT, GET OUT! AND START LIVING YOUR LIFE! Don't put your life on hold for someone else to get their act together. You don't need or deserve that sh**.

dragonlady1978
06-17-2011, 10:16 AM
My ex husband is currently in prison for the second time since we divorced 7 years ago. He had similar behaviors while we were together. I got out before there was actually any legal trouble. I think part of it is mental illness, and the other part is substance abuse-people just don't have radical personality changes without something like that. Shortly after we married my life consisted of almost daily mental abuse and occasional physical abuse, and I found out he cheated-which is why I finally left. I was devastated at the time, but when I look back and remember how I felt back then day to day I thank God that those things happened because they led to me saying NO MORE.

There is no such thing as being sentenced prison time on the end of your probation/parole. That would defeat the entire purpose. The first time my ex got out, he had 4 years and if he violated....even if it was 2 days before it was supposed to be over-he could be sentenced to the entire 4 years. It depends on the severity of the violation. You can get no prison time just extended probation, the entire time, or any amount of time in between. They ended up leaving it open and holding him on that probation violation for 16 months until his trial for the new crime, but then they ran the sentences concurrent (I may be using the wrong word there, he got credit for time served on the new sentence even though the time before trial was for the violation).

I know what it's like to want to believe the lies. I know what it's like to want to believe someone has changed. And I know what it's like to love someone who is logically just bad for your life. It's not easy to let go of something you have fought so hard for so long to save, it feels like defeat. But once you make it through the proverbial ripping off of the bandaid, you cannot imagine how positively different life can be without these issues.

To this day my ex still swears he loves me and is changed. From jail. Again. The only effect it has on me now is exasperation and annoyance that he is even trying to contact me.

Having been there, I know that no matter what anyone says you are only going to say enough is enough when you are ready. Right now, you should atleast be aware of the fact that he is probably not being completely honest about what is going on with his probation. You have every right to know exactly what is going on simply because it affects your life just as much as his, if not more. You're the one who will have to deal with everything-kids, bills, house-while he sits in a cell.

I'm not saying people can't change. It just doesn't happen as often as we'd hope.

bargoo
06-17-2011, 10:27 AM
mzKiki, kaplods and dragonlady have given you some superb advice, please listen to them.

MaryB75
06-17-2011, 10:55 AM
I'm sorry you're going through this, I'm sure it has to be relly tough. I have never heard of them doing prison time after probation either. My first thought was that he had violated probation. After thinking about it that doesn't make sense either. Here in Texas if someone violated probation they go to jail, then court and then their sentence is decided. The whole thing seems very confusing.

BuggyBear81
06-17-2011, 05:46 PM
I do not have any advice or inspirational words for you, I just wanted to let you know that somewhere out there a stranger is praying for you. <hugs>

mhill0823
06-18-2011, 10:22 AM
You need to question how you really feel! If you guys have been doing better since you got back together you need to research what the attorney acctually told him, and how you feel about it. If he truely didn't tell you just because he was under the impression that it would be dropped if he did everything he needed, then he was just trying to spare scaring you from what could happen if he didn't. If he is the type to pay things off and take care of stuff, he was probably sure it would be okay.
I had a friend in a similar situation, he was told one thing by an attorney and told that if he did 2 weeks in jail and served 3 years of probation all of this stuff would go away.. He was betrayed, the attorney lied just to get him to sign the agreement, he ended up doing 5 years probation and 6 more months in jail because he was under false assumptions by his attorney.
So definately check out the situation and see what's really going on. Maybe the two years will be great for you to do some soul searching!

nationalparker
06-18-2011, 03:05 PM
Best of luck dealing with this situation! My first thought when I read your initial post was that he'd committed another crime and was going to prison to serve for that one/violated his parole and it's easier to blame the system than to take responsibility for what actually occurred. Regardless of what the situation is, it sounds like he's deliberately kept you uninformed. I'd meet with the PO without him there, if you can do that. Ask away - ask the questions you want to know, regardless of him being present if he is. With the lawyer, with anyone. You need to know what's going on to be the informed parent you need to be.

Grace73
06-18-2011, 03:41 PM
I am praying for you.. Remember people change in life.. Sadly your husband changed for the worse. ... i would say move on..
hugs.. its not easy. but sometimes its the only way.