General chatter - Should I leave him or Believe him??? *sorry long*




shoeluver67
05-31-2011, 01:05 AM
*sigh* i can't tell anyone i know about this...so i'm throwing it out there to you guys for a little advice. My bf and i have been together on and off for 8 years, but living together and serious for the past 3 solid. We are both in our early 40s. He was a baseball player for 16 years, retired for the past 3...but you can imagine the number of women that have been in his life while he played...girl in every port so to speak. He has been fully committed to me since we moved in together 3 years ago...that i know. He moved to the small California town I live in...doesn't really have a whole lot of friends...doesn't have a car or a job (unfortunately). He HAS decided to go back to school online to better his job opportunities and i am completely supportive of that.

So here is the dilema...the other day, while i was cleaning a virus off his computer, i found, in the recycle bin, pics of a girl he used to see...naked pics...taken about 4 months ago. When i asked him about them, at first he lied and said he didn't know who it was, when i was like, "come ON"...he 'fessed up. His explanation was that she said she was "feeling fat and wanted an opinion"...(needless to say, she is 5'11 about 120 with 36DD boobs...basically perfect, and i am FAR from that). This woman lives 3000 miles away, literally on the other side of the country...so i KNOW he isn't messing around with her. He told me the only contact he had with her was when he replied and said, "that doesn't look fat to me"...i was FURIOUS!! i couldn't believe that was his response. He swears up and down that it was nothing, he doesn't talk or text with her and he loves me no matter what i look like. i explained to him that my self esteem is already in the toilet and now he just made me feel worse. He apologized profusely and said he would never have contact with her again. Needless to say, i feel like poop...i can't stop thinking about it, and now i hate myself even more. So, do i tell him to pack his bags, or do i forgive and move on?? What would you guys do?? :?:


whiteone
05-31-2011, 01:26 AM
It's really hard to say, given that no one knows him, or the real circumstances except for you.

I've been in a similar situation, and even though he wasn't "physically" cheating, it still hurts when their mind is somewhere else.

Just make sure you are not over looking the signs, because love is blind. I did, and I stayed too long because of that. I could have gotten out at least a year earlier, if I had been honest with myself and my instincts.

I'd say, just follow your heart, an keep a close eye on what's really going on. Be honest with yourself and don't trick yourself, cause it's just a waste of time. Time that you'll want back later.

If you know him well enough, and you think without doubting that he's really telling the truth, then you should move on. But only if that's true.

From an outsider's view, either 1). he was just bored (or being nice to her) and he's really not trying to be like that. or 2). this is signs of things to come, and you should be really careful.

This is not my business, and none of us can really help you. I'm just replying cause I know I've often needed a sounding board and someone to tell me what I already know. It helped me for it to sink in.

Chubbykins
05-31-2011, 05:16 AM
How the H*** did she have his email/contact info?
People that break up and don't fool around change those things after relationships. I find this an awful problem with some of my friends too. They keep contact info and fool around to boost self-esteem, or to feel like they are superior and cool, or to check out once in a while if mr or mrs ex is interested in some flirt.
Most times it doesn't even end up physical, but the fuss they do over ex people is both damaging to them and new relationships.
Throw old baggage away imo. New relatonships will have enough probs without them
Tell your bf clearly he should cut ties completely and that it wasn't healthy for your relationship that you had to ask him to do it 3 full years after moving in together.


sniperhil
05-31-2011, 07:47 AM
He should have never replied to her. period. Who cares if he was just being nice. You're not supposed to be nice to your ex unless you have children together. She sent them for attention, and he replied for options.

kaplods
05-31-2011, 08:57 AM
I would not let strangers on the internet decide your relationship. Your decision has to come from what you know about your bf. Is he basically trustworthy and this was a dramatic error in judgement, or is he dishonest and hopelessly stupid to the core.

I don't see it as a question of whether you choose to believe him or leave him - it's deciding whether you do believe him. If you believe him, then the relationship is salvageable. If you do not believe him, then you have to decide whether the relationshp is worth salvaging. If you don't know whether or not you can believe him, if you don't already know in your gut whether he's trustworthy, then you have a bigger problem and have to decide whether the trust is worth building or rebuilding. Do you repair the relationship or move on... only you can decide (and counseling could help).

If this is an abberation, I think you can move on, if he's just an insensitive idiot, maye not.

For a somewhat different perspective, I could see my husband doing exactly this, and it would be totally innocent (after all if the pics were in his recycle bin, it would mean he had discarded them, showing how little he valued them). The one difference is that he'd probably tell me about it. He'd probably even laugh and call me over to show me how ridiculous this woman was being (and how stupid he'd think she was to send anyone nude pics over the internet). But then again, if I weren't home when he got it, he'd probably forget to tell me about it, because it wouldn't a big deal to him.

My husband is facebook friends with a couple of his ex girl friends, and the man draws women like flies. Even though I'm married to him, and love him dearly, sometimes I don't get it - On the surface he's not a great catch, he's as overweight as I am, graying, disabled, not a flashy dresser, clearly doesn't have a lot of money, and has diabetes and a genetic bone disease that is crippling him more and more, and yet he practically has to beat the women off with a stick).

He just has a very charismatic personality. He's loud, funny and friendly to everyone including women who are interested in him. Sometimes women will even flirt with him in front of me, thinking I'm no threat to them. I find it amusing because I am confident that he wants me and only me. He could work in a strip club (when he was younger, he did though that was before he met me) and I'd still be confident that he was interested only in me because he'd be a fool not to, and I wouldn't be with a fool.

This past Halloween at a Halloween party at a friend's bar, two women had to show my husband their tattoos, the second clearly trying to "outdo" the other as her tattoo was in a questionable location to flash in a bar room full of strangers. That he was dressed as a Monk was a little creepy, but supposedly some women have a thing for Santa too, who knew?

My husband does nothing to encourage or discourage these women, because they're not important enough for him to waste the effort either way.

If he wanted a bimbette, he could have one, but I'm not threatened by that. I don't share and my husband knows that. We even have a joke, because so many of our female friends are so jealous of their husbands and bf's that they practically never let them out of their sight. I don't do that. If I can't trust a person, I'd rather be alone.

I joke to hubby "No cheap whores," and he says "what qualifies as a cheap whore?"

And I say "if you can afford her, she's a cheap whore."

So he says "what about free whores," and I say "Definitely no free whores."

So he says "what if she's not a whore" and I say "if you're ever interested, have her fill out an application, and I'll review it."

It's become such a joke, that whenever I see some young, dumb chickie flirting with him, I'll joke about the "application process."



I know this seems shocking to many people (some of our most straight-laced friends are horrified by the joke), but if I didn't trust my husband I wouldn't be with him. Nor would I be with him if I didn't know that I had more to offer than any woman - whether it be a stranger or or one of his ex's (even the one who was and still is a mega-hotty, though she's also a basket case so I agree with my husband that she's might be pretty, but pretty isn't interesting for very long when there's nothing else there).

dragonlady1978
05-31-2011, 10:43 AM
I used to find small but devastating things like this with my ex-husband. Little tidbits that were never blatantly "cheating", but things that hurt me and made me doubt that I should be trusting him. I put up with it because we had 2 small children, and I could not bring myself to take them away from their father based solely on my suspicions.

You've been with this person for a long time, I can understand your dilemma.

Is this the only time something like this has happened? If so, it may genuinely be a fluke. He can't stop people from trying to contact him, nor can he stop them from sending him inappropriate pictures.

He CAN, however, NOT respond. By responding he is willfully encouraging further flirtation on both sides.

When you're with someone for a long time, flirtation happens...usually on both sides. It can be innocent and never go anywhere, but nudity is not part of that innocent equation. Smiling at or checking out someone you think is cute, a friendly conversation...those are innocent things that can be normal and never lead to a betrayal.

If this woman genuinely wanted an opinion as to whether she was "fat", she could have asked anyone that question with her clothes on. As an adult with a functioning brain this man should have known that all by himself. He knew it was wrong and that you'd be hurt by it, which is why he did not tell you when it happened.

Relationships CAN last beyond issues like this. The real question is whether or not you believe that this is the only issue, and whether or not you think he is worth taking the chance of getting hurt again.

This one occurrence is easy to take out of context, you've been with the guy for years. Only you know the answer to those questions.

Don't settle for a jackass. If you think he is headed towards something better in life than living off of you, and that this was an isolated incident and he truly respects and loves you otherwise - then it is worth taking a risk and fixing this. Does he bring anything to the table that benefits you?

fatferretfanatic
05-31-2011, 11:11 AM
Kaplods, you basically took what I would have said almost right out of my life/mouth/typing fingers. To me, this wouldn't be cause for a serious relationship breakdown, though I do think that if he is the kind of person you can trust that maybe you guys can just have a discussion about it. If you believe him, you do. If not, you'll have to go from there. I wouldn't be with a person I didn't trust-and if this happened with my hubby, I would probably think nothing of it until I saw something that was really indicative of a loss of trust. It isn't that I don't think your concerns are unfounded, but I do think that it probably is not as bad a situation as you might be telling yourself it is.

JohnP
05-31-2011, 11:35 AM
In eight years of being together and three years of living togethers you have discovered naked pictures of an ex in the recycle bin? You have a single data point. You can't even draw a straight line with a single point of data let alone establish any kind of pattern.

My opinion is that you take the guy for his word. Granted his story is lame but that probably means he is telling the truth.

Every single shred of evidence you have provided says to me he wants to be with you. He has apologized. You need to accept it and move on.

ShyHeather
05-31-2011, 01:54 PM
In eight years of being together and three years of living togethers you have discovered naked pictures of an ex in the recycle bin? You have a single data point. You can't even draw a straight line with a single point of data let alone establish any kind of pattern.

My opinion is that you take the guy for his word. Granted his story is lame but that probably means he is telling the truth.

Every single shred of evidence you have provided says to me he wants to be with you. He has apologized. You need to accept it and move on.

^ This. Plus, it should be more reassuring that the pictures are in the trash bin. If he had wanted her, he would have moved those pictures into another folder, and kept them from you. Guys don't always see things the way we do. So to him this doesn't seem like a big deal.

I wouldn't break up the relationship over something this small. Just let him know when things bother you, if he loves you he will listen to your worries and comfort you.

josey
05-31-2011, 02:41 PM
How the H*** did she have his email/contact info?
People that break up and don't fool around change those things after relationships. I find this an awful problem with some of my friends too. They keep contact info and fool around to boost self-esteem, or to feel like they are superior and cool, or to check out once in a while if mr or mrs ex is interested in some flirt.


Really? You change your contact information (even email) because you break up with somebody? NO WAY!

Lovely
05-31-2011, 02:47 PM
Kaplods, I laughed so hard about the application process.

Ahem. What can we tell from the VERY outside through the internet-colored glasses?

You've been in a long-term relationship. Everything so far has been good. Except this one minor (major) blip.

Was he dumb to even reply? You bet. He was clearly not thinking. But, as others have pointed out, he even tossed the photos in his garbage bin.

He says he feels bad and has apologized. You know what he's like when he feels bad. You know what he's like when he apologizes. Does it seem sincere to you? Do you believe him?

If you believe him, then it's your choice to forgive him and take steps to move on (making sure he realizes what's appropriate and what's not)...or to not forgive him and make steps to move away.

If you don't believe him that's a whoooole different process.

Chubbykins
05-31-2011, 04:09 PM
Really? You change your contact information (even email) because you break up with somebody? NO WAY!

Of course I would. Interesting people will get my new one, people that do not interest me don't. Simple, clean and clear. I meet tons of people every day, I can't possibly carry old baggage around.

That said I never let down friends and people I know need me or care for me.

Munchy
05-31-2011, 04:24 PM
Of course I would. Interesting people will get my new one, people that do not interest me don't. Simple, clean and clear. I meet tons of people every day, I can't possibly carry old baggage around.

That said I never let down friends and people I know need me or care for me.

I just don't understand this very well. When you go through a breakup, you change your phone number, address, email, etc? That's a little excessive, to say the least.


Lovely is right on. If this incident cements something you've thought/feel or if it isn't an isolated event, it's a sign of a much bigger problem. If it's the only time you've ever really felt that he's hiding something from you, then forgive him and move on.

LisaP916
05-31-2011, 04:27 PM
Of course I would. Interesting people will get my new one, people that do not interest me don't. Simple, clean and clear. I meet tons of people every day, I can't possibly carry old baggage around.

That said I never let down friends and people I know need me or care for me.

I've had the same email address for over 10 years. I got married last year and even though my email address has my maiden name as part of it, I'm still not changing it.

Unless it's some kind of psycho break up, changing your email every time you break up is kinda silly to me.

josey
05-31-2011, 04:53 PM
I just don't understand this very well. When you go through a breakup, you change your phone number, address, email, etc? That's a little excessive, to say the least.


I agree! I am not changing a thing! That is very excessive in my opinion.

jigglefree
05-31-2011, 05:00 PM
I would think if you have been in a relationship with someone as long as you have with this fellow then you should know the deal. When I read the part about him putting the pics in the recycle bin that says a lot. Men aren't going to think things all the way past go get the $200 and spend it as a woman would. To say she doesn't look fat would be a fact based on your description of her. He just made the statement and moved on. If your self esteem is affected by the fact he made a statement of fact to an ex, there are other issues that are more important that need to be dealt with. Another thing she may have sent that same email to several other men trying to feel better about feeling fat. I have a friend that's beautiful and she began to explain what was going on in her head and it sounded much like what is going on in my head. I thought to myself a person's perspective of themselves is never what others think it is and you never know what a person thinks of themselves until they feel like it's okay to tell you without getting judged.

If my husband sees a beautiful woman and looks at her I wouldn't be mad. I know I have a good man and I don't worry about him hanging out with the boys and I know they love looking at women. Men are visual creatures and love beauty. If he said he loves you and he apologized take it for that and move on.

shoeluver67
05-31-2011, 06:27 PM
WOW!! You guys are AWESOME! Thank you soooo much...you really helped me clear my head and see things much better. After "sitting with it" for a while, i DO believe that i did over react to a degree...especially after a few of you pointed out that the pics were in the recycle bin and not in a folder. He also said he didn't tell me because (like i believe kaplods, GREAT story by the way, pointed out), he just didn't think it was significant because she is just not a factor in his life at all. He also admitted that he just wasnt really thinking when he replied, he just did but didn't mean anything by it...he said he DOES understand why i was so upset. And JohnP...you hit it on the head...thanks so much for the male perspective because it was pretty much dead on. I'm so glad i posted here because it really helped me put this into perspective and make me realize that although i was upset about the pics...i was MORE upset about how insecure they made ME. This womans body was INSANE, and it just made me feel SO bad that i do not look like that for him. And it hurt that i probably never will (i'm 6 inches shorter and much bigger boned/muscular). I'm working to get better...but i hate myself naked. The ironic thing tho is that he does not, he thinks i'm sexy no matter what...so this is really something that i am manifesting in my own head, and that is REALLY what the problem was all about. I know deep down she is nothing to him...he is a good man. I'm not jealous of losing him to her, i'm jealous that she has the confidence in herself to TAKE pics like that and i don't. and yes...i definitely pointed out that asking someone if they look fat is more often done with clothes ON than off if you are that insecure! Again ... thank you all SO much for helping. Sometimes it IS better to get an outsiders opinion. you all are GREAT!!!

ShyHeather
06-03-2011, 01:04 AM
I'm glad everything worked out for the best =)

mzKiki
06-06-2011, 12:52 AM
I've had the same e-mail address for 11 yrs. If a guy I used to date sent me a nudie pic I'm sure I would've opened it and looked at it and deleted it just like he did. Does this mean I don't love my husband NO! does this mean I'm going to run off with the guy? NO! But it is inappropriate to have secret communication with an ex. I think you need to have a convo with your guy tell him what you feel is inappropriate. No yelling, no accusations and no tears!!! Guys don't respond well to that stuff. Good luck.

mypinkpolkadot
06-06-2011, 02:40 AM
Glad you're feeling a bit better..

I do have ONE suggestion for you.


Put a little make up on, do your hair, then mess it up a little, and put something sexy on, or nothing at all, or maybe just a cute bra/pantie set(whatever you feel comfy AND sexy in).
And take one or two photos of yourself, and send them to him..

I KNOW how you feel. I hate how I look naked, I hate how I look when I try to be sexy, I just don't think I am. BUT my boyfriend does. Just like how yours does. He's obviously seen you naked before I'm sure. He knows your body just about as well as you do.

Sending him a sexy little picture will make you feel SO much better about yourself, especially when you see how much he loves it.

kimicat76
06-07-2011, 03:17 PM
i would say your response is DELETE because shes an EX for REASON!! he knew what he was doing. but if this is his first time messing up give him another chance THEN make a decision

zoodoo613
06-07-2011, 03:54 PM
Of course I would. Interesting people will get my new one, people that do not interest me don't. Simple, clean and clear. I meet tons of people every day, I can't possibly carry old baggage around.

That said I never let down friends and people I know need me or care for me.

I think what you call old baggage I would call life. Maybe I'm older, and I guess all my break ups happened in a time when contact info wasn't as easy to change, but this seems extreme. I have a lot of people in my life that I don't have frequent contact with, but I wouldn't want to lose all possibility of contact. Why should I lose them along with the ex? At this point, one of those people I wouldn't want to lose complete contact with IS an ex. There's a reason he's an ex, but there's also a reason we liked each other 20 years ago.

Sorry, this is a total hijacking of the thread, but people's attitudes towards exes is fascinating!

zoodoo613
06-07-2011, 03:58 PM
Oh and I totally missed that there was a 2nd page to the replies. Whoops!

I'm glad you didn't ditch him over this. Nude photos of a hot ex would send my emotions to the toilet too, but I think you're probably right that it's more about your feelings than his actions.

gonnadoitthistime
06-07-2011, 04:17 PM
I am afraid this man has nothing going for him. If he ever gets his act together and gets a job, chances are he will leave you because you have seen him in this stay at home bum mode. I can't imagine why you want to keep him around. You found some pics, wonder what else has gone on that you haven't found, and the biggest thing is HE LIED. Liars lie. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but you asked for opinions and that's mine based on personal experience of having a live in boyfriend who didn't contribute much. When someone is that dependent on you, you can never know the real reason they are there, how their attitudes, needs, goals etc might change if they had other options. Heck, he might be looking for a new woman to support him. Have you looked for him on cheating/dating sites?

gonnadoitthistime
06-07-2011, 04:39 PM
Sorry, I too missed the second page. IMO you did not over react, for pete's sake, it has been proven that biologically men are not monogamous, that it takes great effort for men to be faithful (applause for all the great men out there), and to make this about how you feel about you is taking a wrong turn. again, he lied, that is the biggest flaw here for me.
I do hope it works out for the two of you though.