Weight Loss Support - Resenting compliments?




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Emmy1979
05-27-2011, 08:40 PM
Ugh! My brain is crazy! :dizzy:

I enjoy getting an occasional compliment on my weight loss. It is starting to show, and it is nice to hear sometimes.

BUT. When well-meaning, loving friends or family members start gushing about how much better I look, that I look soooooo much better, then start pointing out specific parts of me that look soooooo much smaller, like my face or stomach... I start getting irritated and resenting the compliments and attention.

I had this hope when I was 30 lbs heavier (and I guess still now) that I was invisible, and that no one noticed how huge I had gotten. But, hearing everyone's specific compliments just reminds me that I wasn't invisible, and I clearly looked so horrible back then... and people noticed!

This is so ludicrous! I don't know how to correct this self image issue.

I never project my resentment onto my friends or family for their zealous compliments, of course. I just let it fester inside until I consciously force myself to get over it and let it go.

Does anyone else feel like this, or has felt like this? How do I fix this negative self image problem? Will it go away once I lose more weight? How did y'all figure it out?

Ugh!


Nola Celeste
05-27-2011, 10:33 PM
I don't think it's a self-image issue as much as it is a clumsy-compliment issue. In other words, it's not you, it's them. :D

I remember many years ago when my mom got a haircut and it looked fantastic. To tell her so, I blurted out, "Wow, your head isn't shaped like Darth Vader's helmet any more!" After I said it, I realized that I had perpetrated a dire social gaffe, but she just laughed it off. (In my defense, I was eleven and REALLY into "Star Wars" at the time.)

Your friends and family are just doing the same thing I did--they're so impressed that they just blurt out the first thing that pops to mind, which is to say things like, "Wow, so that's where your waist is!" and other ghastly things. ;)

You have a few possible ways of handling it. One is to continue to stew about it until you make yourself let it go. That can work, if you're actually able to let it go; I'm not, and when I tell myself "let it go" I never do. More power to you if you can. The other is to give someone a gentle reminder that you are still the same you that you were when you lived in your body as it was thirty pounds ago.

You can try it with humor: "Gee, if you're waxing this rhapsodic about my face now, I can only guess what you thought of my 'before' face!" or "Yeah, I decided I got tired of the Buddha-bellied look; I now intend to store all my excess fat in a hump on my back like a camel."

Or you can try it directly: "I appreciate that you notice my weight loss, but it makes me feel as though I must've looked pretty horrible thirty pounds ago and that makes me a bit sad." Take responsibility for how you're feeling and don't shift blame onto them for paying compliments, but let them know how some compliments affect you.

Or you could acknowledge that pretty much everyone has a past self or selves that they now view with rueful amusement or downright horror. I dressed atrociously and had horrible home-cut hair throughout most of high school. I wore ugly-*** clothes and thought I looked good. I used to be fatter. Big deal, the past is past, who cares if we were wrong about ourselves when we looked at ourselves in the mirror back then and thought, "Damn, I look good?"

Because the funny thing is, we DID look good. It's just that now, our definitions of "good" have changed. That's true of your friends and family, too. They thought you looked good before, but now they see that you look even better. It's no insult to be told that you've gone from a 9 to a 10--or for that matter, from an 8 to a 9. ;)

GoingGoingGone
05-27-2011, 10:57 PM
I know what you mean, when I lost weight my mom ever so gently told me, "Your butt used to be on your back, I felt so sorry for you when you walked away."

Gee mom... thanks?
:?:

Some people are just clueless, they mean well though. I just use those backhanded compliments as something to remind me why I never want to go back... people may be too nice to say something, but that doesn't mean they didn't notice.


Emmy1979
05-28-2011, 12:08 PM
Or you could acknowledge that pretty much everyone has a past self or selves that they now view with rueful amusement or downright horror. I dressed atrociously and had horrible home-cut hair throughout most of high school. I wore ugly-*** clothes and thought I looked good. I used to be fatter. Big deal, the past is past, who cares if we were wrong about ourselves when we looked at ourselves in the mirror back then and thought, "Damn, I look good?"

Because the funny thing is, we DID look good. It's just that now, our definitions of "good" have changed. That's true of your friends and family, too. They thought you looked good before, but now they see that you look even better. It's no insult to be told that you've gone from a 9 to a 10--or for that matter, from an 8 to a 9. ;)


I love this. It's actually a very helpful and healthy way of looking at it - thank you!
.

Emmy1979
05-28-2011, 12:11 PM
I know what you mean, when I lost weight my mom ever so gently told me, "Your butt used to be on your back, I felt so sorry for you when you walked away."

Gee mom... thanks?
:?:

Some people are just clueless, they mean well though. I just use those backhanded compliments as something to remind me why I never want to go back... people may be too nice to say something, but that doesn't mean they didn't notice.


Thanks for that - I am definitely going to start using them as motivation - and maybe remembering them in the future for motivation never to go back to the old fat face and belly again!

Thanks, ladies! :-)
.

Chubbykins
05-28-2011, 02:38 PM
Real humour is when you can laugh about yourself!
Instead of being hurt by what your weight is/was/will be you should start feeling more light-hearted about it. When you turn unwelcome comments into your own jokes people realise that their words might have more dimmensions than they thought

Emmy1979
05-28-2011, 03:09 PM
I know, and I'm usually great at making light of things - but weight has always been a touchy subject for me, unfortunately. I just need to change my attitude, knowing full well that every compliment is meant with the best of intentions. I'll add a little subtle humor in and see where that gets me with them. I just don't want to hurt anyone's feelings - since I know they love me and are proud of me and are just trying to be supportive.

Thanks!
:-)

JOLINA
05-29-2011, 08:12 AM
Your friends actually mean well when they compliment you. But most people have a few pounds to lose. So when they make comments I just say thanks.

Then I very politely say: "If you need any dieting tips, let me know. We're all in this together, you know. You'll look a lot better too when you lose the extra weight."

When I put them in my category they just don't know what to say.
:D

sept15lija
05-29-2011, 08:43 AM
I have this problem too, and my feelings about it hasn't gone away (yet!). My most embarrassing one was in church the other week....this girl I hadn't seen for a long time absolutely went crazy over how good I look now, and how beautiful and pretty and all the other adjectives she could pour out on me, basically calling my before self a fat ugly turd. lol...I guess I am to the point where I laugh it off, but before doing so I do tend to complain to my DH....poor him, he's heard a lot of complaining. Oh well! But Noel is right, it's a matter of awkward compliment giving, and definitely their hearts are in the right place (for the most part!).

fullofhope
05-29-2011, 06:20 PM
I struggle with this so much! I have moments where I have so much resentment and anger about the nice things people are saying to me, because while yes they are nice and acknowledging all the hard work I've done, it definitely does feel like they are pooping all over "old me." Do not like! Need to get better at remembering, though, what everyone is saying... that it's just clumsy compliment giving, not meant to be so hurtful, and that it's def them and not me or even "old me." :P

liliesinmycereal
05-29-2011, 06:32 PM
I do resent compliments all the time at work. I was invisible at work and now everyone decides its ok to tell me exactly how they feel about my weight loss. It was like when my coworker thought my boyfriend was going to be a couch potato because of the way I looked. Now this same coworker is complimenting my weight loss and invited me to go hang out with this clique that formed at work. I just feel like at first I wanted to be included and now that I see them differently I don't feel the same as I used to.

chemicalksm
05-30-2011, 04:26 AM
I struggle with this so much! I have moments where I have so much resentment and anger about the nice things people are saying to me, because while yes they are nice and acknowledging all the hard work I've done, it definitely does feel like they are pooping all over "old me." Do not like! " :P

LOL! I feel like people "poop" all over me too when I hear things like that. I don't hear them much about weight loss, b/c I just started, but I got a drastically different haircut, and it hurts, so I can only imagine how crappy it feels when people give backhanded compliments about weight loss.

Emmy1979
05-30-2011, 08:18 AM
I'm so glad it's not just me! I have been feeling so bad about how I feel - I mean, resenting compliments? LOL But, yeah, I'm dealing with it - thanks for sharing and helping, everyone!!
.

Riestrella
05-30-2011, 08:23 AM
I think compliments all come apart of the package and you should be thankful of them rather than resent them. I know other people might word it a lot better than I can, but you're losing weight and people are starting to say you look great - what's there to resent? You looked bigger before, but that doesn't necessarily mean you were a monster - you just look a lot better now.

It's like how people don't like seeing old pictures of themselves. It's like...get over it - it's in the past. You don't look like that NOW and people surely didn't care that you looked that way back then so what's there to fret about?! Be proud of how good you look now!