Chicks in Control - I think my mom's bulemic/anorexic

This is just a rant, I guess. I need to get it out of my system.

My mother is 82. She's from Greece, and grew up there during WW2. She grew up in poverty and abusive circumstances, and her education was limited. She immigrated to the US 60 years ago and married my dad. Since then, she's led a very comfortable, sheltered life. But she was always a very controling, manipulative woman. And food was her currency.

In February, after 51 years of marriage, my father passed away due to cancer. He was a very mild-mannered man. He let Mom get away with all sorts of behavior, and he took care of everything dealing with money. Mom never had to learn how to participate in caring for herself in American society/culture.

All that responsibility has now fallen mostly on me, since I moved back to help take care of Dad for the last two years. I don't live with Mom, and I don't ever care to have her live with me. Let's just call that self-preservation.

So, I don't do things like Dad used to do. I have slowly been shifting responsibilities back to Mom, because I already have a home, children to raise, a business to run, school to complete, a whole life of my own. Mom is sharp enough, despite her lack of higher education, to take care of the daily things around the house. I take her to medical appointments, my sister does the grocery shopping, we have people do household repairs and the big gardening jobs. Mom actually tends her own vegetable garden and flowers, keeps the house (finally, after firing a series of household help that just wasn't quite perfect enough) and does her own cooking.

Mom gains pleasure and self-worth from feeding people. She's quite reclusive and has "fired" a lot of her old friends and all her siblings, so she behaves quite needy and childish when she hasn't had an opportunity to feed somebody on a regular basis. (She actually thought she was going to save my dad and cure his cancer with her cooking.) I simply can't go over all the time to eat at her house. My sons are teens and they have their own schedule as well. My sister and her family live 40 minutes away and come only once a week. So Mom has taken to creating drama over inane or invented issues (like she broke the sprinkler this week) that always seem like life or death situations to her. This creates such stress for her, she experience stress as pain in her body, and so she either "fasts" to overcome what's ailing her, or she vomits to relieve her stomach tension.

I've known about the fasting for years, and she's done things to purge in the past, but the vomiting is new to me. She loves telling me about it now, hoping to get a rise out of me. I do my very best to not emotionally react to anything she tells me about, because it's a way for her to emotionally get her hooks in me, and I really can't deal with it any more. I'm dealing with my own compulsive overeating issues that she so generously raised me to have!

Her doctor tells us she's in good health, overall. There is, in fact, nothing physically wrong with her. She is, however, on medication for bipolar (FINALLY!) and she's showing improvement there. But I don't quite know what to do about this new stuff. I'm wondering if I should report this to her doctor. I am leaning against it, for now, because it'll just open a new can of worms in my involvement with her. I'll monitor the situation, I guess, and if it gets worse, the doctor will find evidence of it when she goes in to see him. She sees him every two months because of the bipolar meds.

Thanks for "listening". Feel free to respond as you are moved.

Geo, so many things about your post resonated with me. My ex is Greek. I know a lot of Greeks - most of whom are 1st or 2nd generation Americans. The 1 thing they all have in common is that someone in the family acts like someone who suffers from being bi-polar. I guess the other thing they have in common is the family member who drives everyone crazy refuses to get help. :) I'm so glad your mom did. I'm sorry - that was a broad generalization. I'm Polish, though, and have gone through my fair share of Polish jokes with a grin on my face. So please take it literally - every Greek that I know (not every Greek in the world) has a person in the fam like her mom.

If you have any kind of care taker official power, tell her doc. This vomit thing is a manipulation. Whether it's related to bipolar or not, the doc needs to know to be able to medically find that out and adjust her meds.

If it's not related to the bipolar, it's likely related to her abusive background. Abused people learn from their abusers. It's a survival method. Without counseling, she's likely to behave abusively to manipulate others to get what she wants.

If the doc determines it's this, he can direct or guide her towards counseling.

Either way, find a way to inform the doc.

Good luck and Opah!

I have no advice or recommendations to give, but it sounds like you're doing the right thing so far. I hope things get easier. :hug:

Sounds like mom wants or needs attention. Perhaps she is lonely. I would get her involve some how in a senior center she might enjoy it!
Good luck!

It definitely sounds like your mother needs something to occupy her time- is there somewhere she can go daily like a "parent daycare" and get picked up each morning and taken home each afternoon? That way she can get out of the house and mingle with people her own age without having you all have to take her around?

I mean if she were younger I'd say if she loves cooking to open up a business where she cooks lunches for people to take to their jobs and then she'd feel productive at least (my husband's grandmother sells desserts she makes but she's 74) and that she's feeding people too.

Honestly I wouldn't hesitate to tell her doctor now what she is doing. At her age stressing her body out will take toll faster than if she were younger.

I agree . tell her Doctor.

Well, see, that's part of the problem Bebita. She won't go. She wants to hole up in her house and have everyone come to her doorstep. Both my sister and I have tried taking her out to meet new people. She won't do it. She won't even go to the store. The world is a big, bad place and as long as she's home, she feels safe. She won't even come with me in my car to my house, just two miles away. There are only two places she will agree to go, the doctor and the cemetary. To get her to come to Easter dinner at my sister's house, I had to take her to the cemetary and then hijack her.

Thanks everyone for the feedback. Mom's next doctor appointment is in a month and a half. I'll keep an eye on her till then, see if there are any changes, and report to her doctor just before the appointment. She tends to listen to him.

I know she's still grieving, and she's really incredible worried about what other's think about her, so going out to make new friends, going places, smiling - all of that stuff shows she's moving on with her life, and that's a major departure of who she's been all these years. She's worried other old Greeks in town will gossip about her. OMG! They're all old and don't go anywhere either!

The one she really needs to worry about is me, the middle-aged Greek that's so done with her superstitions and paranoias!

I would call her Doctor , now . you can tell him what is going on without him seeing her. As far as not wanting to go out, is she following an old European custom where widows never do anything the rest of their lives except possibly going to church. The other thing that comes to mind , is she showing signs of demetia, Doctor can help you with this.

lol Geo- I say you kidnap all the old greeks and put them together in one place. They can all worry together about what the other one thinks- totally sounds like my mom and her middle eastern friends! My mom always worries about what others think and I'm always like WHO CARES?

I agree with Bargoo- I'd call now- if she's potentially vomiting for a month and a half before she goes that could be bad.

geoblewis, this is for you. You are a member of the sandwich generation, taking care of a parent and children at the same time. But I want to tell you this, as much of a pain your mother is right now , and as much of an inconvenience that she is.....thre will come a time when you will regret that you didn't do more and you will be sorry that you resented the time and worry you spent on your mother. I guarantee it.

I can say that from personal experience that she needs to be helped...but not by a regular doctor. I think if you can get a refferal to a pshycologist it would really help her.

I had bulemia and anorexia for 5 years because of a mentally abusive gma and bf....the thing with eating disorders is that its not about anything but control. Once I recovered from my EDs I found that I have OCD and it was 'probably' what tipped me over.

I dont know for sure though, this is just what happened with me. I hope that things get better though b/c it sounds like you have enough to worry about.

(((hugs)))

I would call her Doctor , now . you can tell him what is going on without him seeing her. As far as not wanting to go out, is she following an old European custom where widows never do anything the rest of their lives except possibly going to church. The other thing that comes to mind , is she showing signs of demetia, Doctor can help you with this.

I agree 100% Bargoo....I am only 20 and I will always remember my mom being everything for me and my dad and sister hating that they had to pick up the slack around the house.

Its hard now but I wont be forever, if you ever need to rant again or talk to someone im here for you :)

Sounds like mom wants or needs attention. Perhaps she is lonely. I would get her involve some how in a senior center she might enjoy it!
Good luck!

I agree.

Also, FWIW and not that you asked, do you have ways to help deal with your stress about the whole situation?

WWJED?

What would Jeffrey Eugenides do?

My half-Greek friend at work jokingly uses that phrase as he stops by my desk for coffee & mournfully tells me what his elderly widowed Greek mother is up to lately. (I loaned him "Middlesex" & he loved it.) He spins great comedy routines about her, but I know the reality is that she makes his life a little harder. All I can tell you is that what you are up against is not solely your own affliction, as the cultural element is strong; that it is an unstoppable force of nature; and that my own mother, who isn't Greek & who is capable of leaving the house (and frequently does) also makes me crazy. We just have to deal with it somehow.

Rant on. Those of us with difficult family members can relate, even if we have very little advice for coping with an immovable object with an obdurate will.

What a tough situation for you to be in and sounds like you are handelling it with grace. Sounds like her not leaving the house is another whole issue as well.

Jeffrey and I could certainly swap some stories! In fact, I keep track of many of my parents' antics on a blog. Haven't shared Mom's recent hystrionics since my dad passed, but I'm on the verge!

By the way, Saef, thank you for the new vocabulary word! Obdurate...love it!

Maria, I do have my own support system and methods for managing the stress. And I am so grateful for them! I'm a loyal user of EBT (http://www.ebt.org) and belong to a group that meets weekly to practice the method. It works! I go to a Pilates class five days a week. It also works! I have my own therapist I visit twice a month. I journal/blog. And I have a few close friends who have very similar experiences with their parents and we dish as often as we can. I also have my sister and my godmother who help some with my mother.

We are seeing a little dementia with Mom. I think part of it was stress from having to care for Dad, which was pretty intense for her for a few years. She wasn't sleeping properly. She was forgetful and not thinking too clearly for a few months. This has improved recently.

I would love to get her to a psychologist. She is terrified of being pronounced crazy. She's seen some in the past, because she has suffered pain that was psychosomatic when nothing was really wrong with her physically. The closest we can do is to keep using who is at our disposal, my godmother. She's a social worker and has worked for county mental health for several years. She keeps an eye on Mom weekly and we discuss how she's doing often. I haven't told her about the bulemia thing yet because I've only recently put that together, but my godmother is well aware of the anorexia and purging of the past. And also being Greek, she had one of these mothers too!

Bargoo, I understand about always wondering if I ever did enough for my parents. But frankly, I don't believe I'll wallow in that regret once Mom is gone. I will never be equipped enough to help my mother with everything, and it took me a long time to accept that. She is not at all neglected. She is well cared for and lives a very comfortable life. The misery she chooses to remain in is her own. She's wired that way. I've discussed this with my godmother and my therapist. What if my mother someday woke up to her behaviors and realized how much joy she missed, how much of a happy life she passed up, and how much misery she visited upon her family and former friends. It would be a huge emotional leap for her to come to that realization, and it would be incredibly painful to face.

I've learned about the concept of melding recently, becoming emotionally enmeshed with others. Caregivers have a tendency to do this. It's not emotionally healthy. It has taken a lot of work on my part to disentangle my own issues from my parents', ex-husband's and friends'. I still have a way to go, but I am starting to feel free and it feels really good! There are expectations that we care for our elderly parents. I cared for my father till he passed and I am caring for my mother now. But I'm not giving up my life her. Which is her expectation, passively unvoiced but I've been aggressively reminded of it. I'm not even sure she's actually bulemic. She tells me she's made herself vomit to feel some relief, but then she scrutinizes my face to see if I believe her or not. She's a compulsive liar when it suits her too.

I am angry about all the time I've spent worrying about my mother. Since I was a little girl and I would pray to God that I could take on all her pain so she wouldn't hurt so much. I could have used all that time and energy living my own life and making it a wonderful experience for me! I am grateful that I am now awakened to all that and have turned my life completely around. My mother resents that. She hates that she no longer has the same control over me.

Well, now my stomach hurts. But I think it's actually hunger. Yep, time for the good part about being Greek...fish and dandelion greens dressed in olive oil and lemon for lunch!

Georgia, I never meant to imply that you are not doing enough. I, too, had a mother, and a mother in law , neither of which were Greek, but they certainly had their ways. In my own mothers case I must admit that we didn't get along that well, but I did look after as well as I could. There were times , though when I just felt I was too busy, or that she was interrupting something I wanted to do. After she was gone I realized my mother took care of me, when I couldn't talk or walk. couldn't feed myself .. who got up in th middle of the night when I was sick ? It was Mom. The little bit of time I gave her in her later years were nothing compared to the time taking care of a newborn baby daughter and being responsible for her for 18 years. Yes, I was sorry after she was gone that I wasn't more patient. Not that I was mean to her but, like you the time looking after an elderly parent did get on my nerves at times. And my mother was like yours, able to take care of herself but did need help in certain areas. Good luck to you, it is rough being in the middle of generations.

It is always a struggle to balance a difficult family member. You can only do the best you can do and make sure all the major things are taken care, which it sounds like you have done everything to cover everything that she needs day to day. It becomes very hard to deal with when someone who can manipulate you and make you feel as though you haven't done enough, that is just where you have to look deep inside and know that you are doing what you need to do and everything that you can do especially considering she isn't meeting you half way. As for the vomiting it is a good idea to mention it to the doctor now because though she may be taking the medications she needs, they might staying in her system long enough to work.
Stay strong and vent as much as you need because it always helps to get things out and release it off your shoulders. I hope it gets better soon :)

My gratitude to everyone for sharing your thoughts with me. I really appreciate it. I am struggling with the desire to not be manipulated into being engaged in another contrived emotional event and making sure Mom really isn't harming herself. I just got home from work only to find another message on my answering machine about her imminent death and no one caring for her when I know my sister called her today and a friend of my father's went over to help her with some things around the house and she got to feed him. And I was just there yesterday for two hours with my sons (and she fed them), and my sister is going over tomorrow to spend several hours with her.

It is difficult to accept her as she is. News of her imminent death is an escalation of her fears because I'm going away for three weeks to a class and a conference for work. Every time I go away she behaves like this, for as long as I can remember. I don't have a bottomless well of patience.

Bargoo, I didn't think that at all. Please don't worry about it! I have changed the way I look at the role of parenting. I appreciate that my parents cared for me and raised me. I felt a responsibility to help care for them in their later years, because they're my parents. I just don't feel I can contribute to my mother's illness. That would actually be irresponsible of me. It's obvious that it's pointless to hope she will change. I really wish I could stop doing that. But I still hope. She's not a bad person or an evil person. She's not well and she won't accept the proper treatment. And she's 82 and change doesn't seem like something she's willing to do.

Thanks again, everyone! I think I'll call her doctor tomorrow and see what he has to say.

The woman is 82--close to the end of her life--and she's suffering the trauma of losing her husband (maybe her closest and only friend?). And she's acting out her grief, as we all do, acting out-of-whack.

Why torment her so? Why control her life so? Why not let her decide if and when and where she wants to do things? And bi-polar? Hmmm. Seems to be a very popular disease these days, seeing how there's no medical diagnosis, only a judgement of one's mental condition. I'd get a second opinion on that. Or maybe just let her be. Good grief--the woman's 82. Why not give her some space and respect and let her have some peace!

I couldn't help but notice your bitterness against your mother. Surely this bitterness is somehow discoloring this whole picture. Why not first work on your attitude before you fix your mother's?

Love and kindness do wonders for people.

The woman is 82--close to the end of her life--and she's suffering the trauma of losing her husband (maybe her closest and only friend?). And she's acting out her grief, as we all do, acting out-of-whack.

Why torment her so? Why control her life so? Why not let her decide if and when and where she wants to do things? And bi-polar? Hmmm. Seems to be a very popular disease these days, seeing how there's no medical diagnosis, only a judgement of one's mental condition. I'd get a second opinion on that. Or maybe just let her be. Good grief--the woman's 82. Why not give her some space and respect and let her have some peace!

I couldn't help but notice your bitterness against your mother. Surely this bitterness is somehow discoloring this whole picture. Why not first work on your attitude before you fix your mother's?

Love and kindness do wonders for people.

Oh my. After re-reading this post, it seems harsh. Let me explain further.

When we're left with a mess that others have created, we get angry and bitter. Others in your mother's life have enabled her to be helpless in areas and certainly limited in her ability to care for herself. Nobody seems to have at any time been firm enough with her to demand that she take on responsibility for herself. Thus, she has remained child-like in her need for care.

I, too, am in a situation like this. And I have no patience for adults who act like babies--who don't try to learn things for themselves, and thus demand much care and attention from others. And I became angry and bitter also with those who enabled this situation, those who fed this immature adult's helplessness. And I, by default, became the caretaker. In essence, this adult and all her family have left me a mess. And a silly, senseless one.

Then I come along and be firm and begin to make the adult take responsibility for themselves, and for this, I become the witch.

I've had to learn to deal with this bitterness. It kept me from moving on to better things in my life. I learned to forgive, to be patient with the helpless adult, as well as with all their enablers, and to stand firm in the face of fierce opposition from them. I've had to learn not to lose my dignity, but to remain calm, gentle, and peaceful--all the while maintaining my stance that this "adult" become one.

So sorry if I came across as judgmental. You're getting enough of that I'm sure from all of them.