[JackieP]

Just looking for some general advice on how to boost my self-confidence when it comes to dating.

I'm nearly 20 years old and have not been on a date. I have not been asked out, nor asked anyone out.

Much of my insecurity lies in my weight. When it seems like a guy is flirting or thinks I am attractive (which doesn't seem to be often), I tend to write it off because I don't believe that anyone can see past my extra pounds.

Obviously, this will become easier as I shed the weight, but for those of you who date and are/were in relationships when you had a little more to love...what advice can you give me in the romance department?

I wouldn't even mind something more casual. Just don't know how to approach it.

Much appreciated!

~Jackie

[Ferumbras]

Confidence goes so much farther than any amount of weight loss. I never had trouble getting a date, even at my highest weight.

If a guy's flirting with you, flirt back! Even if you think it can't be real, do it anyway. You'll surprise yourself!

Also, consider internet dating sites. It helps reduce the impact of physical appearance as you get to know a person through faceless conversation first. Not every date will go anywhere, but some will, and that'll help increase your confidence.

Get yourself some clothes that flatter your current shape.

[krampus]

Here's some food for thought.

Men can tell what we look like naked while we are clothed. They are experts at this and have probably spent the equivalent of days and days checking women out. Unless you are sending flattering-angle cropped photos of only your face to people online, they know what you look like. They see you, they see your extra pounds, and they don't care!

Not every guy wants or expects every girl to look like Megan Fox. There are people of all shapes and sizes, and people who admire and like/prefer all those shapes and sizes too. I would try as hard as you can (and it may be hard) to ingrain that belief unto yourself. The most attractive trait in any person is confidence and enjoyment of life, regardless of size. It takes a while to lose weight - and a lot of people reach goal and are disappointed that they're still the same person with the same flaws and insecurities. The best time to love yourself and find things to feel great about is RIGHT NOW.

You're beautiful, fun, and a good catch - time for you to start believing that!

[Scarlett]

Well said Krampus

I did a 5K a few days ago and got a Goodie bag. There was an issue of "Men's Health" in it and I was oggling the cover shot of the actor in Thor. My brother made some comment about Men's Health being notorios for photoshopping. Then out of nowhere he said something along the lines of "I don't expect a women to look like a Maxim cover model, therefore I feel like I shouldn't be expected to look like this" My Bro is above average looking too (or so my friends tell me) 20 years old, 6'3 blue eyes. The point is guys really don't have these expectations.

[aggie2006]

ive seen woman 100pounds heavier with hotter guys than me! and before i met my husband, even though i was pretty/thin i has self esteem issues. when i saw my heavier friends talking to guys, they had this confidence/sex appeal about them. they were flirty, and smiley. its all about the confidence, no guy cared that i may have been prettier/lighter...they are drawn to positive, happy women.

just try to be open, happy, fun, joke a little. i agree, get your self a new outfit, do your hair and makeup extra nice, eat real well that day, exercise. so when you go out or get approached by a man, you will be gleaming with confidence. the thing i wish i knew when i was single, that i know now, is to not be so serious about it. i was so nervous, and quiet, that im sure i pushed/scared a few guys away. i always had a hard face on to protect myself. i wish i would just talk to them like they were one of my girlfriends. so try to take the pressure out of it, and go with the flow. enjoy the conversation, and if necessary a little light flirting is nice too. and fear of rejection. i wish i wouldnt have cared! if they dont like you, its not the end of the world, there are atleast a hundred men around you in public places at all times, lol, plenty of fish in the sea!

in the end though, when the right guy comes, he will come, and things fall into place. but while you wait for the ONE, its nice to practice now! if i wasnt calm, cool and collected (and just fed up with the fear of dating) i wonder if i would have snagged my hubby?

[asweetchicagogirl1]

Jackie- I agree with what everyone else has said here...a lot of dating is about confidence. Confidence (not arrogance) is sexy but YOU need to feel comfortable in your own skin. I was in your shoes (contemplating dating again) a while back and I decided that, while I didn't need to reach my goal weight to feel comfortable in my own skin, I still needed to feel comfortable in my own skin before I could take on dating again....I've found that if you are not confident and comfortable with yourself you (a) can't fake it (or at least I can't) and (b) attract the WRONG kind of men.

That said, I started dating again about a month and a half ago and already met someone great, funny, sweet and who digs my body just the way it is (though he also encourages my healthy lifestyle).

Start with baby steps if you need to...put on makeup, do your hair, buy a new dress (or whatever you want to do to make yourself feel "pretty"). Those actions will, in turn, make you feel better about yourself and likely help boost your confidence.

Good luck!

[JackieP]

Thanks everyone! I'm trying to think of this go around at weight loss as more than just a physical transformation. I need to work on my confidence as well. Of course, as you all know, it's easier said than done. But it definitely helps to hear it said by those who have been there. I'll take all your advice to heart.

[LA85]

I think just be confident .. even if you have insecurities, know the worth of yourself! You definitely want to work on yourself (inside) before you start dating though.. So they can truly get to know you! good luck honey! dating is a pain in the butt!

[rockbanjo]

Yes, confidence is key.
I weigh nearly the same as you, and am the same height , and same age...and I have found a guy who loves me for me.
I also found him online.
Put pictures of you doing activities you enjoy doing, pictures with friends(with their permission) and write a decent summary about you. The sites will often times help you with that.
Online dating is a lot different than it was 10 yrs ago.
More accepted I guess.
If you don't feel comfortable with online dating, strike up a conversation with someone at school/work or even at the park.
You'll gain communication skills and confidence which in turn will help you with romantic relationships.
Best of luck to you!
Someone special is out there for you!!

[nikkster]

I know exactly how you feel. If I could do it at a much higher weight, believe me there are guys who would have no problem with your weight. You just need to accept and love yourself now and it will help your confidence. I didn't kiss a guy till I was 19-20 and didn't date till I was 21...and went into a serious relationship till I was 22 till now I'm 25.

Finding someone online makes it so much easier. It's how I did it and I used dating sites specifically for bigger women or if it was another site I did note that I was bigger. You do get weirdos but if you have good judgement you'll have no problems screening and finding the ones worth your time. Just make sure you're relaxed and comfortable...even if you're shy make sure it isn't coming off as you not being interested because I've had this problem every time and luckily my now boyfriend was patient and stuck with me.

[racrane]

I know how you feel, because being with my boyfriend made me so insecure at first. I thought he must dislike my body...of course not! He loves my body ridiculously so. (more than I do) Just today he was touching my arms and stomach and I was upset because I want to lose the belly and arms. But he loves them. He's even told me "I worship your body" (hah, that definitely made me pause and think)

So, I guess what I'm trying to say is most guys love all body types and they worship the female form in general. My boyfriend is my first boyfriend and I didn't start dating until I was 18. I was so shy but he was patient and now I'm so glad. There will definitely come a guy who's worth how wonderful you are. Trust in yourself, in your attributes and know you're a good person.

[Mickeypnd]

I didn't have my first date until I was 18, didn't have my second one until I was 20. my insecurities was something that stopped me time and again, and now, Im 23, I have been out of a few dates, one thing I noticed guys like and its a personality and confidence of a girl.

[astrophe]

I tend to write it off because I don't believe that anyone can see past my extra pounds.

Well, if you put the brakes on as soon as possible how are they supposed to get the chance to see anything at all?

I think it has more to do with YOUR comfort level with yourself.

If someone if flirting with you, they aren't blind, and they like what they see enough to want to learn more. That doesn't have to mean you are automatically attracted to them too, but it seem kinda silly to shoot it down before you even check to see if it would fly or not.

If you want to date, date! You are allowed to ask people out. And so what if they say no, already taken, seeing someone, whatever? I'd be flattered by the attention. And more important -- YOU get to circulate and practice and not make it seem like more than it is.

Coffee, is coffee, dude. It isn't the end of the world and it isn't a lifetime commitment contract. It's just coffee.

GL!
A.

[JackieP]

Yeah...it's really confusing. I've always thought I was pretty okay with myself body image wise because I'm always seen as the confident fat girl whose happy with herself. But I think I have some deeper self-esteems issues that I have to deal with. This is really not a weight issue, but a mental barrier. Workin on it.

[XLMuffnTop]

There are guys who like women regardless (or because of) their size. There are men who only like skinny girls, which is fine so long as that's not the only thing they're looking for. But honestly, most of my friends are men and the mature guys don't seek a specific body type, or they like "curves."

If a guy won't date you because of your size without regard to your personality and interests, he's a douche and doesn't deserve any woman. It may hurt to get rejected for such reasons but remember, you will always have a good personality and can change your size if you so choose, an attractive jerk will end up wrinkled, saggy and alone in the end.