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VermontMom
05-16-2011, 09:00 PM
I actually bawled myself to sleep last night over this. My mom's funeral service was yesterday, and as she passed 30 days ago, I have already cried buckets over her...last night's crying is because I thought I had friends and co-workers who cared enough to come to her service, in support of me. No one came.

I had let people know with almost 3 weeks notice. One girl who I thought was a very good friend (who I have helped move; have attended home parties and bought hundreds of dollars of stuff I didn't want but she was the hostess and needed money) scheduled a Pampered Chef event on the date.

One woman (whose father's service I attended, out of respect for her) had off the whole day because she said she had to recover from going out the night before. I have sent funny, uplifting cards to this lady when she was going crazy dealing with her sick mom, and made meals and brought them to her house.

My chef boss (whose ex-wife's service I attended, to support him) had the morning off before he had to go to work and could have come. We covered shifts at work for him when his dad passed away last year.

There is another couple who we consider good friends, who live maybe 20 minutes from the service site.

I didn't do any of the things above with the expectation of being reciprocated or anything, truly I helped because I wanted to. Now I feel SO very let down. My sister had all her AA friends with her at the service, a whole wall of friends there. I had no friends or co-workers come.

My husband said 'you can't control the actions of other people, you can only control your own'. Well that is true but my feelings are so hurt!! I almost, almost want to turn mean and never ever do anything nice for anyone again. That is stupid because that is just not 'me'. But for cryin out loud, it was my mom that died!! and I needed to know my friends cared :(


jules1216
05-16-2011, 09:07 PM
((HUGS))) I lost my Mom a year ago on May 21st....so let me start by saying I am sorry for your loss....I am still going through the greiving process.

I am also sorry that they people that you are there for were not there for you when you needed them. It's always a hard smack in the face when that happens. I am glad you at least had you hubby who seems to be a very wise man. Mine can be a total arse sometimes, but he's there when I need him even when others are not.

VermontMom
05-16-2011, 09:12 PM
((HUGS))) I lost my Mom a year ago on May 21st....so let me start by saying I am sorry for your loss....I am still going through the greiving process.

I am also sorry that they people that you are there for were not there for you when you needed them. It's always a hard smack in the face when that happens. I am glad you at least had you hubby who seems to be a very wise man. Mine can be a total arse sometimes, but he's there when I need him even when others are not.

Oh, I am sorry for you losing your Mom too :hug: and yes I did have my husband and two boys there...guess I thought they are a 'given' - but I should be appreciative of them too shouldn't I :^:

my husband is certainly not a 'let's tell each other how we feel' person :p so I should also be thankful that he tried to give me some insight. Thank you for your instant response Jules :)


bargoo
05-16-2011, 09:13 PM
I am so sorry for your loss. I have lost my Mom , too so I know how painful a loss it is. The people that you thought were your friends have proved they are not true friends. Be comforted in the fact that you have done the right thing and they have shown their true colors.

Lovely
05-16-2011, 09:17 PM
I am so sorry.

I'm sorry for your mom passing away, and I'm sorry for all those people who didn't show up or seem to show any sign of empathy when you most needed it.

I'm most certainly not excusing their behavior or lack of action. People do very different things when it comes to dealing with other people's mourning. A lot of people don't know how to handle it. What to do. Some people are so unused to death and mourning that they're not even sure if what they want to do to help is appropriate.

I had a friend whose father had passed away after a long battle with lung disease. She called me on the ride home from the hospital with her mom and all they wanted was for me to pick up some chinese food for them. (They hadn't eaten all day.) When I got there, there were people showing up for them, but I remember my friend's mother saying she couldn't handle seeing everyone right this moment or she'd lose it. I told her "It's okay to tell people what you want. You get to choose how to deal with this."

It's okay for you to tell people what you need right now. I realize we can't turn back time for you to say "It would mean so much to me right now if you'd please stop by or show up for a few minutes." Maybe there's still something your closer friends could to do help. Even if it's just lending a shoulder, or making a dinner one night. Tell them.

Most people want to help, they just aren't sure of the right way to do it at time like this.

Many :hug: for you & your family right now.

fitness4life
05-16-2011, 09:27 PM
I haven't walked in your shoes and so I never know what to say to someone who has lost a parent. I can't imagine what you're going through. Please accept my condolences.

I think it's pretty shartty of your co workers and friends not showing up. I totally back how you feel 100%.

What to do about it? Well, I liked what Lovely said. Tell people! Say to them that you were disappointed. After that, I have no idea how to handle it. I just think that keeping it bottled up inside is no good.

Natasha1534
05-16-2011, 09:34 PM
I'm most certainly NOT making excuses for any of your friends, but I know that I personally may have forgotten in 3 weeks time that a memorial service was scheduled. Most people are used to services being done w/in a few days...so it's quite possible they forgot. Having said that, I'm really sorry that you didn't have a support system there for you as far as friends go. Don't feel bad telling them "hey, that really upset me...I needed some friends there and I had NO ONE but my husband." Otherwise it will just fester inside you, hon. *hugs*

Cali Doll
05-16-2011, 09:53 PM
I'm so sorry for your loss and for the let-down from your friends!!

I also agree that maybe you should share how you feel with them. **HUGS**

fatferretfanatic
05-16-2011, 10:09 PM
I've always thought that funerals were very personal and if you did not really know the person that the service is for, it would be in bad taste to intrude. Maybe your friends thought that though you were very polite and sweet to invite them into your life, the could have thought that it was a formality and you'd rather have been spending it with your family. I am so sorry for your loss, and that your friends were not there to support you. <3 I would really give them the benefit of the doubt though, just in case.

TurboMammoth
05-16-2011, 10:10 PM
I'm really sorry for your lost. :(

I don't have much thoughts of wisdom to tell you.. My mom, however, who passed away less than one year ago, was full of wisdom and she would tell you : ''all this persons do not diserve to have somebody like you around''.

All of my thoughts are with you & your family.

VermontMom
05-17-2011, 05:15 AM
thank you everyone for your kindness!! and for your input. I also said to my husband, "i want to tell them how I feel!' and he said, 'that will only put them on the defensive'. Well, yes that is how HE would react ( that I know for sure, lol) but if someone told that to me, yeah I'd feel badly that my friend felt bad.

.... My mom, however, who passed away less than one year ago, was full of wisdom and she would tell you : ''all this persons do not diserve to have somebody like you around''.

aw, that is just what MY mom would have said too :D



and :hug: to all you who have lost a parent.

I did do a reminder about a week ago on Facebook. And I did not put 'I really , really need to see some of you there'. It just said I was inviting friends and famlly to share in celebrating my mom's life. So maybe it didnt sound urgent. I guess if I try to not let this bother me, it isn't doing me any harm.

Gogirl008
05-17-2011, 06:36 AM
So sorry for your loss, and for the let down. Kind of a double whammy :(

I've always thought that funerals were very personal and if you did not really know the person that the service is for, it would be in bad taste to intrude. Maybe your friends thought that though you were very polite and sweet to invite them into your life, the could have thought that it was a formality and you'd rather have been spending it with your family.

This is what I was thinking too. I've always felt that the visiting hours at the funeral home were the time for casual friends, and the funeral itself was a much more personal, intimate gathering.

Could be that they just didn't realize they actually were part of your inner circle and you really did want each them there with you. I don't always know proper etiqette when it comes to these kinds of events, so maybe they didn't know what to do either.....:hug:

georgeshair
05-17-2011, 07:27 AM
I'm so sorry you were let down. My fatehr died in 2009 and I wasn't supported by some of the people I thought were my friends at the time.

I agree with other posters that you should tell them how you feel. If they are truly your friends, they will understand and want to make it up to you.

Please be prepared, though, that some of these people may not want to deal with your grief; if they aren't prepared to support you, you may need to let these people go. I had a friend who couldn't handle my grief and kept trying to cheer me up, when all I needed was someone to let me cry. Unfortunately, we are no longer friends; instead, I found others who were prepared to support me when I needed it and I made some new friends along the way. I hope you do too - you sound like a good friend to have and you deserve to have good people around you.

MiZTaCCen
05-17-2011, 08:40 AM
I’m so sorry your mom passed I can imagine how difficult that would be, I don’t know what I would do when my mom goes, but about the friends thing I used to be like that to be honest I used to always help my “friends” out because I was a good friend but the second I needed anyone’s help who was around for me…No one, eventually I got immune to it that it just didn’t bother me anymore and when people started to come around and ask for my help again, I was too busy or I just didn’t do it. People are unappreciated and expect others to help them out but never in their life to they expect they should step up to the plate and lend a hand either. I agree with what your husband had said you can only control your actions not the actions of other peoples. Sometimes we think we’re closer to people then we really are, maybe they feel different that they aren’t that close to you. I don’t know I don’t bother trying to figure out people’s actions anymore it just always ends up in disappointment.

goodforme
05-17-2011, 09:15 AM
:hug: I'm so sorry for your loss. If I lived closer I would have come to the service. Funerals are for the living, after all, and the friends and acquaintances of your mom AND you should have come to show YOU some support.

FWIW I lost both parents by age 30, and the old cliche that time heals sounds so trite, but it is true.

Good luck to you!

Expunge
05-17-2011, 01:50 PM
I'd be very upset and hurt in that situation as well. I hope the suggestion above about funerals being very personal is true and that the issue wasn't just that they didn't care. I hope things look up for you in the future as well in terms of finding friends that follow through and reciprocate support.

fitness4life
05-17-2011, 02:11 PM
So sorry for your loss, and for the let down. Kind of a double whammy :(



This is what I was thinking too. I've always felt that the visiting hours at the funeral home were the time for casual friends, and the funeral itself was a much more personal, intimate gathering.

Could be that they just didn't realize they actually were part of your inner circle and you really did want each them there with you. I don't always know proper etiqette when it comes to these kinds of events, so maybe they didn't know what to do either.....:hug:

Hmmm...everybody is different. But in my life, friends from long ago that haven't spoken in years, to co-workers of over 2 years, to current close friends, ALL go to the services of the friend's deceased parents, or at least send a card.

ArcticFrogs
05-17-2011, 09:16 PM
Most people cannot simply handle seeing "the strong friend" vulnerable. It's a major disturbance in the Force, and most people can't cope. Because of this, people will often try to sweep it under the rug, ignore it until the time has passed, dance around the subject...and it astounds me how often this actually occurs in people's lives.

Pretending that something isn't happening or doesn't exist doesn't make a problem go away, but apparently there are a whole lot of people in this world who believe that it will. *shrugs*

Don't misunderstand me - while the behavior is indeed selfish, it doesn't necessarily mean that people don't care. Most do...some more than others, sure, but some care more than you think.

You have provided tremendous amounts of comfort and support to many people. Some have received, others have merely witnessed, but I'm sure that your strength and compassion are not unknown. That said, when the time comes that you need comfort/support, people may simply not know how to react. They don't know how to assume the role that you fill so naturally, and you leave big shoes to fill on that front.

Still, that should only explain most people - not all. I'm bothered on your behalf, and I'm incredibly sorry that no one (family aside) was there to support you. I'm in the "funerals are private (and incredibly awkward)" camp, but if you had directly sought my support (as in, personally invited me as opposed to simply posting the information and being disappointed when I didn't show), I would have shifted my life around to be there if I could.

(Or, at least, would have marked it down so as not to schedule my BuyMyStuff event on the same evening...I'm sorry someone that you sought support from chose to be so tasteless, even if by accident.)

Maybe needing to be contacted directly sounds rude or self-centered, but it would imply to me that my support was specifically needed/desired, as opposed to my presence requested due to formality. Perhaps your friends don't realize that they are your support...maybe none of your friends understand that they have what it takes to make you feel better. It is easy to assume that someone who is compassionate and genuinely kind has a lot of friends, and that some of those friends are inevitably closer and/or better suited to be the pillar of strength/confidant in for you in your time of need.

It could also be that since you are so strong for others, and (in their eyes) always "have it together"...some of your friends may not realize that you need the support? As I mentioned earlier, most people are already distressed by dealing with other people's....distress...if you put on a brave face in front of someone who would have reached out to you, they may have interpreted that as "Okay, she's putting on the brave face and coping. She's a rock, gotta let her do her thing"...and unintentionally retreated.

Is this making any sense? Cannot brain today, I haz teh dumb.

I wish you the best as you go about grieving and healing. Keep your family close and cherish the little things...and remember, we are all here for you.

FrouFrou
05-18-2011, 01:07 AM
No offense but you really shouldn't have to put "I really, really want you to be there" If they are true friends they would have/should have been there for you...no excuses, seriously.

I am sorry for your loss lots of hugs to you and yours

lizziep
05-18-2011, 01:55 AM
i can see both sides of this. on the one hand it is not an unrealistic request to have some good friends there to support you. on the other hand funerals ARE usually for family and close friends.

There is a funeral that stands out in my mind, a friend from high school died and so many people flooded the funeral from the school. It just felt so inappropriate and disrespectful to his family to me- even though I knew and liked the boy I didn't feel I was close enough to "deserve" to be there and all those kids who pretended to care just made me so angry and hurt for him and his loved ones.

i also think that funerals just freak people out. some people can't handle strong emotion or death and not that it is at all right to leave you there on your own, but i guess i can see how someone would flake on it. :(

take care of you right now.

VermontMom
05-18-2011, 05:44 AM
I don't need any 'friends' as long as I have my 3FC chicks!!!

truly .. thank you all!! such support from you. and wisdom!! and insight. You are all fantastic.

CrystalZ10
05-18-2011, 12:36 PM
No offense but you really shouldn't have to put "I really, really want you to be there" If they are true friends they would have/should have been there for you...no excuses, seriously.

I am sorry for your loss lots of hugs to you and yours

I agree..look at it this way, the next time your invited to something by one of these "friends", no matter what, don't feel obligated to go unless you want to. I'd talk to some of them first. If they apologise or admit to being freaked out by funerals, than thats understandable, but let them know how you felt, the best way you can, without hurting feelings.

I had a friend who refused to go to my brother's funeral,(he died after crashing his motercycle), but she got me flowers later, and brought us a covered dish of food from time to time just so we knew she was thinking of us.

Some of your friends may rise to the occasion later on, so give them a chance. I am so sorry for your loss. :hug:

JOLINA
05-18-2011, 04:14 PM
I am so sorry to hear that you mom passed away. It is a loss that will stay with you forever. And the lack of support you received from friends and co-workers is disappointing but not surprising.

When my husband, dad and mom passed away there were quite a number of relatives and friends that also showed no sympathy or support. My husband, mom,dad, and myself were always at every funeral to offer support. I genuinely felt so very sorry for the deceased and the family's loss.

It was a real eye-opener for me to find out how little caring came out of so many of these people when I had to bury family members.

I heard a lot of lame excuses after the funerals as to why the no-shows did not attend. And these people never said "I am sorry for your loss." ... Nothing in the way of condolence, just a lame excuse as to why they didn't bother to show up.

My husband drowned at 39. It was a tremendous shock to me and my 2 little kids. NO ONE consoled my children, ever. Just my parents did. A cousin told me 6 months later he didn't attend "because I didn't know the guy very well." And he offered no condolences. So I did not attend his mother's funeral the following year.

About 20 more relatives never showed, never sent a card, and I have not corresponded with them anymore.
I do not attend the funerals of their famly members now. When these same people mention the loss of their loved ones, expecting sympathy, I just mention to them how much I miss my loved ones. And they still do not care enough to recognise my loss. Some people just don't want to give up any of their time to support others, but they sure expect support over their loss.
If they can't be bothered with me, I can't be bothered with them. I wrote these people off.

I continue to support those that were kind enough to help me through my grieving process, but the others I just decided I don't have time for anymore.
I won't allow these no-shows to be an emotional drain on me in the future.

Now I run into so many new aquaintences that start in on how much they miss their mom or dad, so before I offer condolences, I now mention that I have also lost loved ones that I miss dearly. Almost every one of them show no interest in my loss, so I change the subject. I refuse to be used as a sounding board for people that want sympathy that cannot extend sympathy for others also.

I was like you at one time. I truly cared for everyone I knew. But I learned the hard way that many people just don't care for others, just themselves. So now I distance myself from those kind of people.

I had a friend for over 20 years. She was also a co-worker I saw every day. She knew my dad, knew he was undergoing open heart surgery and had little chance of surviving. In the meantime she went on vacation. The third day after returning to work she finally asked how my dad was. I told her he died 2 weeks ago. All she said was "Oh." Then she turned around and walked away.
Never again did she mention my dad, offer a condolence or ask how I felt, how the funeral went. Nothing. All I heard was that one "Oh." If she should lose a loved one, my response will also be "Oh." Since she feels that is the appropriate response, then that is the one I will return to her later.
What a revelation. Now I just consider her to be an uncaring, disinterested co-worker. I cannot consider people like this to be a "friend".

I had to draw a line between supportive and non-supportive people.

Take care of yourself, remember your mom in a loving way, and don't expect much from no-shows. They don't consider themselves to be friends. They will never give up any of their time for you. You were mistaken about them. They have revealed their true nature to you. Focus your energy and feelings only on those who were there to offer their support.
Continue to cherish your caring friends and relatives. Caring people are very few and far between.

Serval87
05-18-2011, 09:44 PM
I'm sorry for your loss, and your friends behaviors. I have always felt like I made more effort toward my friendships than them, so I have some idea of how you must feel. *hug*

starfishkitty
05-19-2011, 05:19 AM
I am so sorry for you loss. :(

I just lost my grandma a month and a half ago, and she was the one who raised me (more my mom than my actual mom in a lot of ways) and it was ****. I'm still not really recovered, but you know how it is.... And the funny thing, I had people show up who were friends of my siblings...... my siblings who were not even related to my grandma.... and it was THEIR friends who showed up just because they knew me from growing up around my sibs and came out of respect to my grief! Point being..... people who actually give a crap about someone they knew will remember and show up! If not for your parent, then out caring for you.

Anyways, my thoughts from reading your post.... it sounds to me like those people are not truly the true friends you might have thought them to be. Perhaps you put them on too high of a pedestal. Meaning... they're your friend, but not as good of friends as you thought they were. My advice is to take that knowledge to heart, and move on. Don't expect anything more from them, and don't give them as much of yourself and your trust as you did in the past. Accept them for what they are, but don't keep giving your 100% and only get 50% in return. And there's nothing wrong with having made the mistake of thinking they were better friends than they were..... all of us have gone through that at some time or the other, but that's how we learn who is what.

Good luck, and I hope you find some better friends. :) You seem like a nice chick so I don't see why you wouldn't!!! :hug:

VermontMom
05-19-2011, 08:38 AM
Thank you all so much :hug:

JOLINA I am so sorry about the huge losses you have suffered, the loss of your husband at such a young age, and you with small children..and the lack of sympathy expressed?! insane. And how the co-worker 'friend' just said 'oh' to your dad's passing.

and hugs to all who have lost a parent, or grandparent... :hug: and if other 'friends' or relatives treated you with an indifferent or uncaring or clueless manner, to heck with them.

I value the advice you have all given. I do need to 'see' that my people are not the friends I thought they were.

I am able to see now a couple things - I can continue to be 'myself' and be thoughtful to others IF I want (because that gives me a good sense of self) but i need to be prepared for it not to be returned. It is a hard lesson isn't it to feel that you ahve to be slightly reserved in one's good deeds?? so as not to be disappointed when it's not appreciated. I 've always kept the phrase 'a good deed is a reward in itself' but heck it can only go so far, right :p

losermom
05-22-2011, 10:16 AM
Holly, I'm really sorry about the loss of your mom. ((((hugs)))) I agree. What your friends did, or really what they failed to do, was really hurtful. I don't have any answers to your dilemma but I just wanted you to know that we care about you here.

dragonwoman64
05-22-2011, 02:29 PM
I'm so sorry about your mom. My mom died in 1996, and that had to be one of the toughest things I've ever dealt with. I'd lived on the other side of the states for a bunch of years before she died, so it was not a big issue for friends or co-workers to show up at the funeral.

on the other side of this coin, I worked for a man for many years (practically his only employee), and he confided in me about lots of personal matters, regarding both his family and romantic relationships. When his mom passed away, I knew (of course) about all the arrangements, and I went to the memorial. He hadn't actually said, "will you come," but it seemed like something of a given to my mind. Well, you know that joke about assuming. He didn't seem like he wanted me there at all. I felt extremely awkward and like I'd intruded -- even though the crowd was fairly big.

I don't know what to say about your friends not coming, but it's something I sure don't feel clear about in my own life, with some relatives, friends or co-workers.