Weight Loss Support - New Here: Feel Like I'm Dying

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Primary Colors Rule
05-15-2011, 03:14 PM
Hi Everyone,

I am 23 and weigh 243 lbs last time I checked. I have a 20 month old daughter. Before her I weighed around 171lbs. I've never been the small girl--but now I just feel like my life is over.

Every night I go to sleep thinking I am going to make a change. I am going to get out and walk. I am going to take my daughter to the park. I only meet these goals 20 percent of the time. The other 80 percent of the time I hardly want to be seen.

I feel like I am dying inside. My breasts are very large and prevent me from exercising (J-L cup) and my back hurts. I just want to be able to love my body and even if I lose this weight I realize I am still not going to love it any more than I used to because I will probably have loose skin and my stomach, which used to be perfect and the one thing I liked about myself is gone.

I can't talk to anyone about this because it is embarrassing. I feel shallow and pathetic but being overweight has taken so much of my life away and I once thought losing the weight would be a remedy but I am going to be stuck with a body I, as a student, cannot afford to fix.

I feel like I wont have a chance to date or get married if things should not work out with my daughter's father. I feel perpetually alone. If I did not have to take care of her I don't know if I'd be here anymore.

I can't cope with the fact that I am going to be and feel inadequate for the rest of my life. I won't be able to have sex and actually enjoy it. Go to the beach and actually focus on swimming and not everyone laughing at me. Wear clothes that I enjoy or anything.

I just feel so bad. I stay awake crying about how inadequate I feel and I've even removed myself from friends I had prior to having my daughter because of my weight. I haven't updated my facebook with pictures of myself since shes been born. I feel like I have to isolate myself because I am embarrassed.

I don't feel like myself anymore and I hardly have the will to keep going on. I joined this site when I thought I was going to get up and lose weight--but it seems like it is futile either way so what is the point?

I don't know what else to say other than I feel like I am estranged from anything I once cared about and I just don't know what to do. :(

05-15-2011, 03:29 PM
You have mada start by coming here. Keep posting you will find some people who can relate to your story here. You can turn your life around and be a healthy Mom for your daughter.

05-15-2011, 03:36 PM

I'm not sure about your height but I went from 175lbs prepregnancy and delivered and 240lbs so I can really relate to your experience. I also was up to something like a J cup size! It was horrible and I remember going through a lot of thoughts that you dealing with right now.

I was frustrated too because I was still nursing DD (she nursed until a little over 2) and I didn't wanted to drastically cut calories or eat certain foods because of that.

I started with running, we got a jogging stroller and I slapped on a sports bra (that was way too small for me) and an under-wire bra over it. After about a month or two of that I started working on my diet. I cut out sugar completely and that's how I started dropping weight.

It's been a slow process but I've lost a good amount even if I still do have a ways to go. It sounds like you could also be dealing with depression too so it might be worth it to talk to your doctor about that.

Good luck!

05-15-2011, 04:16 PM
Oh Primary, I wish you could jump inside my brain for a few minutes to see how things can be on the other side for you. I, too, isolated myself from family and friends. Only time I allowed myself to see the daylight was driving to and from work. I spent my vacation time sitting alone in my house with just my tv shows and my food. But when I made the decision to lose weight I never looked back and I have never felt happier. Emotional and physical weight went hand and hand with me.

I am glad you are here and I hope that reading these message boards will give you the wisdom and encouragement to make that first step to being healthier and happier.

Hugs to you honey.

05-15-2011, 05:10 PM
I agree with the above commenters. I would add that you are still quite young, meaning your skin is still elastic. Don't worry about skin sag, etc. right now. There are lots of toning and conditioning exercises that can help, but honestly your body is still young enough to deal well with the weight loss and not look like droopy dog.

Hang in there!!

05-15-2011, 05:19 PM
I wear an underwire bra with a tight sports bra over it. Set goals you know you can make. Force yourself to make your goals. When you reach that goal, or task it will motivate you for your next goal.

I can relate to feeling isolated and "well tomorrow I will go to the gym" Start today, start now. Tomorrow will never come. Make mild adjustments in your lifestyle, don't jump in completely feet first.

I hit the gym 5-6 times a week, however it wasn't always like this. I count my calories and have changed my eating habits and again, it wasn't always like this. When I started, I went to the gym once a week. I changed ONE thing in my eating habit. As time has gone on, I have incorportated more into my routine so that way this is my new lifestyle and not some "diet" or short lived thing.

As for saggy skin, I thought after I had my son I would never again show my stomach because of my stretch marks, you know what, they are fading. I nkow they won't disappear, but they are fading. I also noticed as I lose weight, the less they appear to be there. I thought I had like a hamburger belly, and now, I could care less! I am happy with what transformations my body is going through, well minus the fact that I have absolutely NO butt

Good luck with your goals. There are SEVERAL women on here with very similar stories and goals. This site keeps me motivated, even though I have only been here a short duration.

05-15-2011, 05:52 PM
I can't relate to your emotions so I'll leave that to others. I can give you advice.

Some people would suggest small changes you can live with are the way to go. I would argue that small changes will give small results.

I suggest massive change. It's a lot easier than you think. Just stop eating junk food completely for 30 days. Don't worry about exercise. Just go on a short walk and every day make it a little longer. Don't start tomorrow. Start now. Go throw away any junk food in your house. Juice is junk food btw even if it is 100% juice. Toss it along with whatever other candy, chips, cookies, and other assorted high calorie low nutrient garbage we all used to have stocking our shelves.

05-15-2011, 06:18 PM
Your thoughs are normal, but they're just thoughts, they're not reality. It sounds like you may be depressed (because even being humongously fat as I am, even at weights twice as high as I've ever been, life does not have to be as hopeless as you're seeing it right now).

Hi Everyone,
Every night I go to sleep thinking I am going to make a change. I am going to get out and walk. I am going to take my daughter to the park. I only meet these goals 20 percent of the time.

That 20% already puts you ahead of most people. You need to know this, because you're seeing failure where success is standing. Reward that 20%.

I've lost 90 lbs on far less than 20% success. I STILL don't succeed 20% of the time, but I've learned I don't have to. I don't have to be perfect (or even a specific percentage of perfect), I just have to do better. When I do better, I get better - and every single improvement is worth it.

I'm still hugely fat. I may always be hugely fat, but my life is monumentally better than it was 90 lbs ago. I first started noticing important improvements after my first 30 lbs. I'm not willing to go back, so even if I never lose another pound, I'm not willing to backslide, because my life is better now and I want it to keep being better. I don't have to be perfect to deserve a good life. And to have a good life, I have to make it good.

You can make your life good too. It doesn't have to be perfect to be good, and every little, tiny scrap of happiness is worth holding onto. You can do this, but it does take more than hope.

If you have no hope, you're dealing with depression and have to deal with that. Weight loss can help, but doesn't cure depression. If you're dealing with actual depression, you have to deal with that before, or at least as you try to lose weight.

You also have to be less hard on yourself. Know that most people fail at this. That doesn't mean success isn't possible. The only reason most people fail, is because we have this cultural mindset that there are two options where weight loss is concerned "strictly, perfectly on a weight loss plan" or entirely off-plan. We're taught that there is no middle-ground - if you can't do it "right" then don't do it at all. That's nonsense, and when you stop believing it, there's never any reason to not keep trying.

When we see slow or small success as failure, we stop trying because we think "what's the use." Most people don't quit because they ARE failing, but because they feel like they're failing, because their success hasn't been everything they've dreamed (and we're taught to dream bigger than reality can ever deliver).

I feel like I am dying inside. My breasts are very large and prevent me from exercising (J-L cup) and my back hurts. I just want to be able to love my body and even if I lose this weight I realize I am still not going to love it any more than I used to because I will probably have loose skin and my stomach, which used to be perfect and the one thing I liked about myself is gone.

Your body doesn't have to be perfect to love it (or for others to love it either). If that were true, 99% of the population would be unloved and unloveable.

You may not be ready to get in the water, but water excercise would be ideal for you. Which is why I HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE that our culture convinces women that their bodies must be perfect to deserve the privelege of swimming. It's a big lie. You're entitled to enjoy yourself and enjoy your body and what it can do at any size. I was very lucky to have a passion for the water as long as I can remember, so as hard as it was to get in the water (at times, especially when I was younger and cared more about what other people thought, the walk to the water could feel like a deathmarch) I was too in love with the water to let it stop me. Yes it was frightening, and it took a lot of courage, but it required less and less courage each time, until I truly did feel that no one could stop me.

I don't know if that's possible for you, at this point - but it's definitely possible to work up to. If you find an activity that's physically comfortable and fun, don't let **** itself stop you from having that fun.

There is a lot more to you to like than your body (I like you already, and I can't see your body).

I can't talk to anyone about this because it is embarrassing.

It's embarassing because you think you're alone. You're not. Fat = hopelessness and worthlessness, is a cultural value. A lot of people believe it (and it doesn't make it true). There are at least hundreds of thousands of women who feel exactly as you do, and sadly, thousands of them aren't even overweight. Many of them look perfect to everyone but themselves.

Practice talking about it here at 3FC, you'll find many of us understand, many of us have been there (or still are) and many of us have conquered that embarassment and the fear it causes.

For me, the support of women who do know how I feel is very important, and I get that through 3FC and my TOPS group (taking off pounds sensibly). TOPS is sort of like a non-profit Weight Watchers, but it's tons cheaper (there's a $26 joining fee, which includes a montly motivational magazine, and my monthly dues are $5 - and there are ways to win back some of my money with various contests).

I feel like I wont have a chance to date or get married if things should not work out with my daughter's father. I feel perpetually alone.

I really believe this is depression talking, but if you really believe it, I can tell you it's bull****. Fat does not have to equal alone. I've always been fat (since kindergarten anyway, with a few years close to normal in high school) and I've dated better men than my thin, beautiful sisters and friends - because I KNEW I deserved it, and any man I dated had to know it to.

If you think you're wonderful, men will too (so start finding something about yourself to like besides physicality).

I met my amazing husband at nearly my highest weight (restaurant dates added about 20 lbs), and married him at my absolutely highest weight. We are both fat in our wedding pictures, but we're also gorgeous because our happiness shows through. Happiness trumps all other forms of beauty.

Happiness attracts people too. Even though my husband is also very fat, he is so fun and charismatic that there are always younger, thinner, prettier women trying to take him away from me (some bold enough to attempt it in front of my face, thinking I'm no competition). I'm not afraid of the competition, because I know I have those women beat where it counts. I'm the one he loves, and it's not because I'm beautiful - but he sees me as beautiful because he loves me (love also trumps physical beauty).

I can't cope with the fact that I am going to be and feel inadequate for the rest of my life. I won't be able to have sex and actually enjoy it. Go to the beach and actually focus on swimming and not everyone laughing at me. Wear clothes that I enjoy or anything.

You are not inadequate. Not now, not at a higher weight, not at a lower weight. You could have six eyes, and twelve legs and you would not be inadequate. You can enjoy sex at any size (many 500 lb women do). You can learn to enjoy swimming and to nmot focus on anyone laughing at you.

You can enjoy life at any size, and that you're not getting any enjoyment from life sounds very much like depression. It doesn't sound like you're getting any enjoyment from life right now, and that's not natural even for someone weighing 600 lbs. If you're getting no enjoyment in life, not even from the smallest pleasures, that's clinical depression not any external issue like your weight.

It isn't fun to be overweight, but if you're experiencing almost no pleasure, that's not the weight talking, that's something else (possibly clinical depression).

I urge you to get help for the depression. Weight alone shouldn't be holding you back this much. It doesn't have to hold you back this much.

I wish you the best, because you deserve it.

05-15-2011, 06:29 PM
Hi and welcome! You have received some wonderful advice from some caring people. I know things seem dark and bleak right now, but there is always hope. You have found a great place for support and knowledge. Stick around, read a lot, post on days that go well, post on days that you struggle.

05-15-2011, 07:03 PM
To add to midwife's comment: post on days you don't struggle as well. You'll build a wonderful support group and get continuous reinforcement.

Cali Doll
05-15-2011, 07:09 PM
Hi! I would like to echo that you've gotten great advice here. I'm praying things turn around for you. Please continue to come here and share with us. A lot of people have been where you are.

05-15-2011, 07:17 PM
I just wanted to say I completely understand. Sometimes it feels like you don't even know where to start!

I only started about a month ago. I am 222 but I was 231 before I started. The first week I decided no more sodas, so I drank water with lemon- A LOT of water with lemon. And an iced tea at night or w/e I felt like having one. That was it. I started with that. And after a week, I put on a VERY tight shirt in my arms and noticed my arms weren't dying in that shirt anymore. Mind you, I drank 3-4 cokes a day sometimes less. Always about 10 cokes a week which is quite a bit. And, drinking water helped too. Then I started exercising. I used to hate it. Now, I look forward to it. It makes me feel better.

Even though I am still 222 I lost some pounds, even one pound is a start! And not to say I don't curse out the instructor I watch on my computer or completely feel like I am going to die sometimes when exercising. But, knowing I accomplished it. Knowing I've actually stuck to it for about a month. I am so proud of me!

And you will be too! We all start somewhere. Like the guy said small things = small results. There is nothing wrong with that though, once you see a small result you'll be thinking $%^& I can do this! And, you'll start doing more.

It took a small result for me to start a month ago, and about 3 weeks in working out now I do it at least 5 days a week. And, let me tell you 9 pounds may not sound like much, but there is nothing compared to someone saying wow, you're face looks a little thinner you been working out? WHY yes I have!

You can do it. If you want it, start somewhere- anywhere and you'll do it!

05-15-2011, 07:41 PM
If you take the weight off now, you probably won't have to worry so much about loose skin because you weren't this size for THAT long. I was at my heaviest, 267, I'm now 170 and am usually around 165, I do have a small amount of loose skin, but nothing major and I have been overweight my whole life AND I'm not at goal yet. I've heard that usually when people still have tons of loose skin, that's because they still have lots of fat hanging in that skin, when they really do lose all of the weight they need to lose, there's no more fat hanging in that skin, the skin snaps back. I mean, look at biggest loser, they don't ALWAYS get surgery, and they don't always need it.

05-15-2011, 07:48 PM
Big hug to you! We know what you're talking about and what you feel like.

A number of people have commented that you might be depressed. That may be. It also sounds like you might be doing something called catastrophizing. That is, because of how you're feeling, everything is a catastrophe. It's hard to make changes when you're feeling like that. I hope you can see how maybe your perceptions of the world aren't necessarily reality for other people (e.g., people with sagging skin fall in love and get married). If so, ask yourself why you would be any different! In other words, don't make your fat so negative that it takes away your life!!

Being fat isn't necessarily fun. But it's also not a death sentence and doesn't mean your life is over. What's even better is that if you aren't happy being fat (and I think that's why most of us are here), then there are lots of things you can do to change it.

But I hope you can see that you are a worthwhile person, no matter what you weigh!

05-15-2011, 11:03 PM
Hey PCR, sorry you're feeling so low. :hug:

I think everybody else here is pretty much on target with their advice, although you don't need to start big to get big results (although if you can do that and sustain it, that's great). You can start small and build up as you're able. Lots of people do. The trick is to keep at it, do what you can, and keep pushing yourself a little bit more.

You wrote that you're worried that even if you do lose the weight, you don't think your body will be one that you'll enjoy living in, because you're a student who won't be able to afford cosmetic surgery and because you may have scarring or loose skin. You won't be a student forever (right?), and at 23 your skin probably still has a lot of elasticity. But even if neither of those was the case, there's no reason that you couldn't have a perfectly happy and productive life. There's a really good thread on here where some people who've made their goals have written about how it feels to be thin after having been overweight. One of the recurring themes of the thread (as I remember it) is that even though their bodies still may not be perfect, the benefits of losing weight have been worth the challenge of weight loss. I think it may be worth reading, to give you a more realistic idea of what life after significant weight loss might be.


05-15-2011, 11:32 PM
I understand where you're coming from in many respects. When life isn't so good, it's so easy to blame weight on everything. It's easy to think that when you drop the weight, everything in life will magically become better. There are still the emotional problems, and even if you were perfect physically, you might not still be happy emotionally. I'm just under where you are weigth wise. I'm 23, and at my heaviest, only two months and a half back, I was 268. I was sitting around feeling low about myself until I realized that enough was enough and just went for it. The accomplisments I have made athletically and weight wise have helped me to stop feeling so bad about myself. Fat is the least of the things you are, and you are not defined by your weight. You're a woman, a mother, a beautiful person inside and I am sure outside, and so many other things I don't know. You won't always be unhappy with yourself if you decide to make changes that help you to become the person you'd like to be, not just physically but mentally as well. Even coming here is a small change, and a good one, because the support here is invaluable. Be well!

Primary Colors Rule
05-15-2011, 11:38 PM
Hi Everyone,

I am such a sap but I actually found even more tears for the amount of replies that this message got. I was in a really really very dark place and I still am. It is not every day that I get to discuss weight and everyone trivializes my size saying its not that bad. I don't think they realize the psychological aspect behind it though.

I think I am depressed--I know I am Bi Polar clinically but the medicines for that cause weight gain and I was nursing DD and I didn't want my milk to be spiked nor my pregnancy. I've been off of meds for nearly 3 years and I've been told I need to exercise to feel better. It really is true. I took a very small walk yesterday and I felt great--I just couldn't continue it today because I fell off emotionally again.

I am really afraid to go on meds before I get my body together so I am trying to work with a behavioral therapist since my classes have ended. I am going to call tomorrow to set up an appointment.

I try to talk with my SO about how I feel but he is such an optimist--he says I wont have loose skin adamantly so I can't really share with him how scared I actually feel about losing weight.

I feel like I don't know where to start but I can say that I have stopped ordering takeout food which is really hard for me. I order food because I feel like it is a reward for being in such great emotional pain--but I haven't done this in nearly 2 weeks.

Thank you all, this thread is helping me to find some positives. It is still a very hard road. I am happy I've found this community because I cannot talk about these things in real life without making people feel uncomfortable.

05-16-2011, 12:26 AM
So glad you found us and it's helping!!

I think a behavioral therapist may be a great help -- ask if they do any cognitive therapy too... might help with the catastrophizing (yeah, if that's really what it is... don't believe everything you read on the internet! :) ). Anyway, cognitive and behavioral therapy often go hand in hand.

You're going through a lot of stress and changes right now, that's hard enough. Throw in weight issues and ... yeah, we get it.

I know I was terrified of loose skin before I started and while I have some, it's nothing like being morbidly obese was.

Just take a deep breath and take it all one day at a time! And stick around!! :)

05-16-2011, 03:25 AM
PCR :hug:

I'm so glad that you've found this site, posted, and are getting some support, encouragement and suggestions. I am glad it is helping, even if only a bit thus far. I really hope you will stick around; this site is a wonderful place to discuss all the weight-related issues that are so difficult to talk about to friends, family and others in your life.

Where to start: You made a GREAT start by cutting out the takeout food. That was a big one for me... up until just four months ago, I'd gotten into the habit of eating 1-2 restaurant meals PER DAY, primarily because it was just the easiest/most convenient option. Making the change to cooking/preparing most of my meals at home was tough, but I got used to it quickly and it was definitely key in getting started on this weight loss journey. Navigating away from takeout alone will probably help you quite a bit... and a good next step would just be writing down everything you eat every day. When you can see clearly what your food intake looks like, it becomes easier to see where you can make changes that will help you to lose weight.

Also, kudos on the walk yesterday!! That's a great way to get started on moving more. And the days that are the toughest may be the days when a walk improves your mood the MOST, as exercise releases endorphins - so try to get out there for a short walk even when it seems hardest to make yourself go. Honestly, just a few months ago I was someone who thought that people who loved exercise were crazy... and it's so odd that I now count myself among them. When I'm having a crummy day, a good workout is often all it takes to radically improve my mood. I read a quote in someone's signature on this site when I first joined here, and I remember it often... it was: "No one ever says 'I wish I didn't exercise today.' " It's SO true. You will always feel better for having gotten out for that walk - I guarantee it.

I do not at all mean to minimize any of your fears (I have plenty of my own), but try not to spend too much time worrying about what comes later. Whatever comes after weight loss is going to have you feeling better than you feel today, without a doubt. For now, just take it one day, one meal, one walk at a time, and deal with later, later. :)

Good luck, and I wish you all the best. :hug:

05-16-2011, 06:30 AM
im a new mom to a 13m old girl as well, i also was 170 before pregnancy and 240 after. i live in a dreary rainy city especially in the winter. and every year, i fall into the winter blues. i felt very much like you did not too long ago. really wanting to change my life, but not having energy for it. i think small steps are the way sometimes. i was so scared to get back on a diet, because my whole life when i dieted it was painful/hard/exhausting and i was starving. now cooking for my family, enjoying food, eating clean/homemade food has changed my life. sticking to a certain calorie amount is not hard when you know how to prepare good tasting food/quickly. dont expect to jump from your current diet to 1200 cals per day. thats starving! try 2000 for a week, then maybe 1800, and so on, unitil you see the results you want. plan your meals ahead. when you eat, eat to be satisfied, and try to stop and not get painfully full. i think if i knew i could diet and feel satisfied, and have an occasional treat (scoop of ice cream) id do it sooner.

the positive boost you get from treating your body well is indescribable. im only 10 pounds lighter, and yet i feel amazing. i feel empowered. why not try first eating better. not diet food. but well balanced. what helped me was putting every single thing i ate into fitday. not for the calories, but for the nutritional info. it breaks down what you eat into not only fat/carbs/calories but also vitamins/minerals. i try and focus what i need to eat at my next meal based on what im lacking that day vitamin wise. say im low on calcium, ill have a kefir. if you make small changes, you will see a diet does not have to be painful.

i know how hard it is to take your daughter outside. but try and do it for her well being. fresh air, socializing with other children etc. plus our mistakes shouldnt affect our children. your daughter should get physical activity daily.

kaplods~ your response inspired me!

i think speaking to a therapist might help getting it out since you are embarassed to talk to friends/family. i can give you my email and you can write to me if you need a diet buddy.

dont give up!

05-16-2011, 09:34 AM
I think I am depressed--I know I am Bi Polar clinically but the medicines for that cause weight gain and I was nursing DD and I didn't want my milk to be spiked nor my pregnancy. I've been off of meds for nearly 3 years and I've been told I need to exercise to feel better. It really is true. I took a very small walk yesterday and I felt great--I just couldn't continue it today because I fell off emotionally again.

:hug: We have a close family member who is bi-polar that's tough, I know. Are you still nursing then? If so I understand your reluctance to take meds but I'd definitely suggest getting into regular therapy and establish a consistent exercise routine (even smalls walks but just be consistent about it). I know there are some more natural routes that you could look into. My family memeber swears by passion fruit capsules, for instance, for stablizing moods.

Especially since you're bipolar I'd especially suggest baby steps because I think it's that's much harder to break out of your down stage and you also want to avoid going to the euphoric stage too. Slow changes will be the easiest to adapt too. I think that's GREAT that you got in a walk AND gave up fast food. You're really going in the right direction and that's something you can seriously be proud of!!!! :D

I'd also suggest journaling, write down these great changes your making and keep them there for days that you're feeling down. Remind yourself WHY you're doing this.

I wanted to add that my family member has made some amazing changes in his life. He still has a long road ahead of him but he's gone from severely depressed/suicidal to being able to work again and functioning in society. He took small steps, even just walking to the store and a lot fo encouraging family members. I know you say your DH doesn't understand because he's an optimist but try to feed off of his energy and use that to your advantage. You're not the first person that has had to deal with this nor will you be the last so you might also want to look online to find blogs of other bipolar individuals who have learned to balance their moods and overcome depression (that's something that really helped this family member).

Good luck and I really wish you well!

05-16-2011, 02:35 PM
I took a very small walk yesterday and I felt great--I just couldn't continue it today because I fell off emotionally again.

You have to set goals for yourself. I'm going to help you and set the first goal for you right now. You will take a short non taxing walk five days in a row starting today. The reason for this goal is you want your child, your husband, and yourself to have a good life.

Put on your shoes and go outside for a short walk. Like the Nike cthommercials used to say ... "Just do it". Repeat every day until you've hit the goal. If one day you feel you can't for some emotional reason remember that you're not doing this for yourself you're doing for your child, your husband, and yourself.

05-16-2011, 03:00 PM
Everyone has already said some awesome stuff. I just wanted to say that, after having my son, I had a rough patch with depression. I tried taking SAMe, which is an over the counter amino acid supplement. It worked awesome. It is supposed to work well on Bi-polar disorder. And it is my understanding that it is fine to take while BF. (But obviously, I am not a DR. - you should check with yours first)

And I can not stress enough how important exercise is. It helps level my moods, it give me the energy to keep up with my 2 yr old. And if I ask my son if he wants to go for a "walk" or a "run", I netter darn well mean it, b/c he gets SO excited to be in his jogging stroller!

Primary Colors Rule
05-17-2011, 03:58 AM
Thank you everyone.

I did not go on the walk--terrible horrid New England weather..


I did decide to cook today, which is a big step and always marks me coming out of a depressive state. I think I do make a catastrophe of nearly everything and nothing is nearly as bad as I anticipate it to be. I made pan seared tilapia with a light crust of whole wheat flour and garlic powder with salt and pepper. I used the Smart Balance butter spread to cook the fish in. I also made a mango salsa that was pretty good and just ate the filet over a large bed of salad. It was good and filling. I threw in plantains as I eat them with everything and drank some Honest Tea.

I did mess up later tonight by mindlessly eating--but I am trying to draw an analogy between my health and my academics. I am a pretty accomplished student and I am trying to apply my skill set from that aspect of my life to my actual body.

I realize I tend to forget myself so to speak. I do this, because as hard as it is to admit, I hate myself and I don't think I am worth improvement, help, love, etc... it stems from family issues. I always think I forget the past and forgive and move on but I just live out my pain instead of processing through it.

So in any event--I fell off the wagon tonight. I ate 2 icelollies and also some cookies that are for toddlers. I also did not eat in the morning, I sort of lounged about the house. For some reason I feel more invigorated at night so I cleaned the entire place which inspires my mood. Basically I had a bittersweet day. I am going to write down what I want to eat tomorrow, plug it in to a calorie counter and from there it is on.

No matter how tired I am I am going to wake up and walk in the rain with an umbrella. Even if I have to wait until noon I live about 1 mile from campus so I will simply walk where I need to go.

I think deep down I know I have the capacity to change my life for the positive and I am afraid because there is always that suspicion in the back of my head that suspects that I am not physically worth anything. I am again really happy to have found this site and most of all I am really happy that I've taken an honest look at myself. I want to be the person I know I can be even if it will take some time and mistakes.

John, you are right about setting goals. I am going to do that and just think of them as homework. If the weather ruins my plans tomorrow I will hit the gym. I have free admission because I am a student.

Thanks for the encouragement everyone. :)

05-17-2011, 04:16 AM
You know what I like seeing? You're here.

That you ended up eating a few things you maybe didn't want to eat, but you're still here. You are taking it as an experience and are planning tomorrow so that it goes better.

That's all it is, really. That's all it takes. Doing a little bit better each and every day. And no matter what happens, we just continue forward.

Every step forward is a step closer to our goals.

I'm a very huge fan of "small changes, big results", and given some time everything adds up! Keep at it =)

05-20-2011, 01:14 AM
The small changes you're making are excellent. It is so great that you're here, keep posting, it helps so much!

Like John said earlier, some people take small steps but some need to make big life changing ones. I had to make big ones. I have a food addiction so having any sort of junk around wasn't an option. Like an alcoholic, I had to cut it out the bad stuff completely. It SUCKS at first, but the more you get used to it, the better it feels. I KNOW you can do this. I just know you can. Don't have cookies in the house, your kids don't need them either. You can be the positive healthy rolemodel for everyone in your house.

05-20-2011, 12:37 PM
I feel the same way you do in varying degrees. These feelings and thoughts you have cannot determine your future without your consent. It's hard to remember that you have control over your choices and to be mindful of those choices. We are so often in the habit of acting upon what we feel like doing that we forget to stop and think. And that takes energy that I know none of us are or were use to using!
Remember, the scale is only one measure of your success. Your success lies in every single choice you make that is honest with what you want.
I know it's embarrassing to talk about this stuff with anyone and I applaud you for coming on here. I am new too and already I am reaping tons of benefits! It's worth it! This site can be your crutch when you need help of any kind and that's OK! Anyone who says they don't need help isn't being honest with themselves.
If you get to a point where you may want to talk with your school's counselor, they can offer a ton of awesome methods to help you realign your relationship with your health.

And remember, this healthy life style thing is a balancing act. If you lean more towards unhealthy choices one day, then lean more towards healthy choices the next. Don't beat yourself up if you lean too far to one side...just recognize it, don't judge yourself!, and say, "Ok, this is what I'm going to do next." This takes ENERGY and a TON of practice...a little bit every day.

You are worth loving. Are you ready to start fighting for what you deserve?