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GeeDee
05-14-2011, 02:33 PM
My SIL is a pain in the ***. We've know each other since kids. We've had years of friendship and now years of conflicts and drama. The only way our relationship is tolerable is because we (I) keep it on a strictly family level. We don't mingle friends.

Because of the power of facebook we are both finding people we both went to school with. I found most of these people about 2 years before SIL did because I was on FB first. Therefor I've now developed new friendships with them.

One mutual friend in particular, I'll call her Dee.... because of Dee I've made a lot of new friends with a group of girls Dee is close to. Dee also knows my SIL and now my SIL is using Dee to get in with the group.

Do I have the right to flip out? Meaning: SIL throws herself a b-day party last night, I was invited but declined (because I don't want to mingle friends) BUT SIL invited Dee too. Dee told me she was going but didn't want to stay long but she was also bringing a group of our friends with her to the party. I got really upset. SIL is the type of person who uses any opportunity to think everyone is her new BFF's. I told Dee everythinhg I told you guys, how much conflict ive had with SIL and how I can't mingle friends with her but Dee didn't change her mind and took the friends there last night with her.

I can't stop thinking about it. What if my worst nightmares come true and SIL becomes part of that circle? What would you do? Do I have the right to be upset this is happening? :?:


ddc
05-14-2011, 02:35 PM
Maybe you can be friends again?
Put the years of conflict and drama behind you and start fresh. Maybe????

NiteNicole
05-14-2011, 02:53 PM
It's fine to be upset that you're going to have to spend more time with SIL than you'd like - who wants to hang out with someone they don't get along with? Pretty much no one! But all this talk of "the group" and who can be friends with whom and deciding which friends can mingle with which other friends? That's not up to you and it's wrong to try to pressure other people to form or break bonds based on your comfort level.

The best thing you can do is decide to be an adult in how you interact with your SIL (polite but not involved is usually a good way to go) so that you don't alienate the friends you want to keep.

Repeat after me: smile and rise above it. Smile and rise above it.


GeeDee
05-14-2011, 03:25 PM
Maybe you can be friends again?
Put the years of conflict and drama behind you and start fresh. Maybe???? MAYBE one day, but not today. I'm hoping we get there but it would take her not talking me down to other family for me to trust her with friendship again.

It's fine to be upset that you're going to have to spend more time with SIL than you'd like - who wants to hang out with someone they don't get along with? Pretty much no one! But all this talk of "the group" and who can be friends with whom and deciding which friends can mingle with which other friends? That's not up to you and it's wrong to try to pressure other people to form or break bonds based on your comfort level.

The best thing you can do is decide to be an adult in how you interact with your SIL (polite but not involved is usually a good way to go) so that you don't alienate the friends you want to keep.

Repeat after me: smile and rise above it. Smile and rise above it.

Thanks. You bring up a good point. I know, I mean I know its prob wrong for me to have said something to Dee about it... she actually knew about all the conflict and she brought the conversation up to me because she was trying to talk me into going with them. So I guess I just took that conversation as an invitation to express how disappointed I was at the potential that SIL would be now in with the group. So when I expressed this all to Dee I was even more disappointed it didn't change her mind. I know I can't control people and I wouldn't want to but in this situation I know that if it turns out that SIL does us this as in "in" into the group..... it won't be a good outcome for my family situation. Sorry I'm using the word "group".... its just like a circle of friends... all really great girls. I don't know what else to call it but group... circle of friends... posse :)

Its like this. I make a smart decision to not mingle friends with SIL and it works out perfect. We can now tolerate each other. It was the best decision to make granted the situation between us. Now there is the potential to screw that perfect situation up... what am I to do?

bargoo
05-14-2011, 04:26 PM
I would suggest get out of Facebook and stay out, i see nothing but problems with Facebook.

silverbirch
05-14-2011, 04:35 PM
I agree with Bargoo.

GeeDee
05-14-2011, 04:52 PM
Yeah FB can cause some troubles... I've seen stuff happen because of it... but with this particular situation FB has nothing to do with except thats how I got back in touch with my girl Dee and so did SIL.

Lovely
05-14-2011, 05:05 PM
We can't control who others choose to be friends with.

If Dee & your SIL sometimes get together, then so be it.

If your SIL causes such grief that you cannot be around her for 5 minutes in a social situation outside of family, then excuse yourself from the group if she arrives and go elsewhere. Let Dee know you'll meet up with her later. Or make plans specifically with Dee that only involve the two of you so you know your SIL won't be there at those times.

And lastly... find a friend that SIL has NO connection to whatsoever. Even if it's just online.

GeeDee
05-14-2011, 05:12 PM
We can't control who others choose to be friends with.

If Dee & your SIL sometimes get together, then so be it.

If your SIL causes such grief that you cannot be around her for 5 minutes in a social situation outside of family, then excuse yourself from the group if she arrives and go elsewhere. Let Dee know you'll meet up with her later. Or make plans specifically with Dee that only involve the two of you so you know your SIL won't be there at those times.

And lastly... find a friend that SIL has NO connection to whatsoever. Even if it's just online.
I don't want to lose these friends but if they are going to invite SIL to now hang out I just can't do it. Thats why I'm at such a loss... in a way I feel like Dee might be doing this on purpose. She knows about all the history, she knows how I feel. She brought the whole thing up to me. I'm just really confused about the whole thing and life is to short and to precious to have to worry about something like this. My friends are my outlet... they are good ladies they are people whom I feel I can meet up for drinks and entrust in feelings I can't express to my family, know what I mean. Now what do I do if SIL is now included, pretend like she isn't at the table when I'm venting about her and her family! I need these people more then she does. It feels like sleeping with the enemy and stupid and highschool as it is its making me really sad.

I appreciate all of you guys honesty and support... its really helping me work through this! Thanks so much for reading and responding!!! (((HUGS))) :hug:

kaplods
05-14-2011, 05:46 PM
I've had quite a few friends with "no-mingle" policies, and it's never worked out, while all have SAID "I won't stop you from being friends with her/him," they all have REALLY meant "If you don't dislike him/her too, you cannot be my friend."

They all believed that "true friends" would reject their nemesis too. The problem is that it's just so exhausting and awkward to deal with who will not mix with whom, because people who start with one person in their "no-mix" policy, almost inevitably add more. It deteriorates into "you cannot like anyone I dislike if you want to be my friend."

It's become my policy to avoid making close friends with people with no-mix policies.

I have one friend who does this, and I don't think the relationship will last long, because I can see her resentment growing over the fact that I am still friends with a woman she dislikea (even though I only see the woman in passing, just being nice to her aggravates my no-mixing friend. I think she really believes that her enemies must be my enemies - I have no enemies and would like to keep it that way).

I'm not saying that you're as extreme as my no-mix friend and former friends, but I'd still like to warn you that it can happen, because I've seen people turn reasonable behavior (based on the policy) into extreme craziness, just because once it starts, it seems to snowball into middle-school behavior - cliques within cliques, feuds, alliances, and worse. An attempt to control drama ends up creating more drama than the initial problem.

Nola Celeste
05-14-2011, 06:41 PM
You asked for honesty, so I will give it to you. I promise, it won't hurt much. :)

It's absolutely impossible to define how other adults or near-adults should socialize. That includes your friends, your relatives, your in-laws, your outlaws, your everyone. Parents of young kids are about the only people who can exercise any significant control over who their kids see, and as any parent can attest, even that stops being the case when the kids' ages get to double digits.

You cannot stop your sister-in-law from inviting Dee to events, nor can you stop Dee from inviting your SIL, if they get along. From what you wrote in your post, it sounds like both you and your sister-in-law went to school with these folks, so it's entirely possible that SIL is enjoying reconnecting with them as much as you did.

If that's the case, then it is totally unrelated to you. Sister-in-law is just doing her own thing, rediscovering friendships she thought she'd lost, inviting her old/new friends to celebrate her birthday. Those are all normal, happy things, not calculated mean "I'll-show-her" things.

The fact that she invited you to the party as well sounds like she's trying to let bygones be bygones. I get the impression that you are far more bothered by her than she is by you and that there's a lot of history there that's left you pretty resentful. You can't change how you feel, but you can change how you act on your feelings. If you truly cannot tolerate your SIL, then be proactive and make plans with Dee that include only you and Dee. Ignore, ignore, ignore any connection that Dee and your SIL have, because their friendship is something you cannot control or shape in any way whatsoever.

I can empathize with not getting along with an in-law (I had a SIL who was about as vile as a human being can be), but if she's an in-law, that means she's related to someone you love dearly. I don't know if she's your SIL because she's your husband's sister or your brother's wife, but for the sake of whoever it is that you and she have in common, try to build some bridges and mend some fences.

Your resentment hurts you worse than it does your SIL.

ryeb
05-14-2011, 07:11 PM
I would be an adult about it and realize that since she is your SIL, she will never just go away, UNLESS there is a divorce, and even then if there are children involved, you are stuck with her.

I personally do not get upset if someone else is friends with my friends. Let them "mingle" It almost sounds like you are jealous.

DixC Chix
05-14-2011, 07:54 PM
I don't know what transpired to change a friendship to just civility and it really doesn't matter. I do get the feeling it has gone on for years. You have a lot of negative emotion invested in this situation and it is exhausting. Its hard to change... your pattern of thinking, your attitude about SIL, your opinions, etc. This has become too much of who you are.

You see every action of SIL as an intentional afront to you. I see a SIL extending an olive branch, trying to find a way to connect in a non threatening manor. What if your best dreams came true and you relaxed, had fun and laughs at the party?

Life is too short to carry the extra burden of resentment and jealousy, of conflict and drama. Find a way to Let. It. Go. Forgive who ever needs it for whatever they did years ago. Apologize for your part in the current situation. Bury the hatchet. Be the bigger person. Be the happier person. People are attracked to an upbeat person more than a negative, controlling person. Be the person who everyone wants to be friends with because they know you to be an open, flexible, forgiving, happy woman.

Gogirl008
05-14-2011, 08:12 PM
Your story made me think of a recent situation I had with 2 friends. One friend I'd known for years, the other was fairly new. I brought them together and they became friends. I felt like the new friend got competitive with me over the old friend. After a while I started to feel hurt that the old friend seemed to be taken in so quickly and I realized I was becoming the outsider. I was shocked out how it was playing out. It really irked me that I was the one that brought them together and this newer person was scheming to take my friend. That's how it felt and I do think there was a little competition going on. Now, I've dropped out and they are still friends. The old friend has hardly been in touch with me but the 2 of them are still tight.

I personally do not get upset if someone else is friends with my friends. Let them "mingle" It almost sounds like you are jealous.

I was totally jealous! It's hard to admit, but I got my feelings hurt and let them go. Due to other circumstances the new friend and I had to "break up" so now it's all them. I'm over it, mostly. But it did suck.

I think you can stew over it and be mad, but you can't make people choose. Like you said, life is too short. It would be great if you and SIL could work things out, but if not, try to have faith that your true friends will still be there whether she is involved or not. If they really are your true friends they aren't going anywhere.

GeeDee
05-14-2011, 08:57 PM
I've had quite a few friends with "no-mingle" policies, and it's never worked out, while all have SAID "I won't stop you from being friends with her/him," they all have REALLY meant "If you don't dislike him/her too, you cannot be my friend."

They all believed that "true friends" would reject their nemesis too. The problem is that it's just so exhausting and awkward to deal with who will not mix with whom, because people who start with one person in their "no-mix" policy, almost inevitably add more. It deteriorates into "you cannot like anyone I dislike if you want to be my friend."

It's become my policy to avoid making close friends with people with no-mix policies.

I have one friend who does this, and I don't think the relationship will last long, because I can see her resentment growing over the fact that I am still friends with a woman she dislikea (even though I only see the woman in passing, just being nice to her aggravates my no-mixing friend. I think she really believes that her enemies must be my enemies - I have no enemies and would like to keep it that way).

I'm not saying that you're as extreme as my no-mix friend and former friends, but I'd still like to warn you that it can happen, because I've seen people turn reasonable behavior (based on the policy) into extreme craziness, just because once it starts, it seems to snowball into middle-school behavior - cliques within cliques, feuds, alliances, and worse. An attempt to control drama ends up creating more drama than the initial problem.

You asked for honesty, so I will give it to you. I promise, it won't hurt much. :)

It's absolutely impossible to define how other adults or near-adults should socialize. That includes your friends, your relatives, your in-laws, your outlaws, your everyone. Parents of young kids are about the only people who can exercise any significant control over who their kids see, and as any parent can attest, even that stops being the case when the kids' ages get to double digits.

You cannot stop your sister-in-law from inviting Dee to events, nor can you stop Dee from inviting your SIL, if they get along. From what you wrote in your post, it sounds like both you and your sister-in-law went to school with these folks, so it's entirely possible that SIL is enjoying reconnecting with them as much as you did.

If that's the case, then it is totally unrelated to you. Sister-in-law is just doing her own thing, rediscovering friendships she thought she'd lost, inviting her old/new friends to celebrate her birthday. Those are all normal, happy things, not calculated mean "I'll-show-her" things.

The fact that she invited you to the party as well sounds like she's trying to let bygones be bygones. I get the impression that you are far more bothered by her than she is by you and that there's a lot of history there that's left you pretty resentful. You can't change how you feel, but you can change how you act on your feelings. If you truly cannot tolerate your SIL, then be proactive and make plans with Dee that include only you and Dee. Ignore, ignore, ignore any connection that Dee and your SIL have, because their friendship is something you cannot control or shape in any way whatsoever.

I can empathize with not getting along with an in-law (I had a SIL who was about as vile as a human being can be), but if she's an in-law, that means she's related to someone you love dearly. I don't know if she's your SIL because she's your husband's sister or your brother's wife, but for the sake of whoever it is that you and she have in common, try to build some bridges and mend some fences.

Your resentment hurts you worse than it does your SIL.

I would be an adult about it and realize that since she is your SIL, she will never just go away, UNLESS there is a divorce, and even then if there are children involved, you are stuck with her.

I personally do not get upset if someone else is friends with my friends. Let them "mingle" It almost sounds like you are jealous.

I don't know what transpired to change a friendship to just civility and it really doesn't matter. I do get the feeling it has gone on for years. You have a lot of negative emotion invested in this situation and it is exhausting. Its hard to change... your pattern of thinking, your attitude about SIL, your opinions, etc. This has become too much of who you are.

You see every action of SIL as an intentional afront to you. I see a SIL extending an olive branch, trying to find a way to connect in a non threatening manor. What if your best dreams came true and you relaxed, had fun and laughs at the party?

Life is too short to carry the extra burden of resentment and jealousy, of conflict and drama. Find a way to Let. It. Go. Forgive who ever needs it for whatever they did years ago. Apologize for your part in the current situation. Bury the hatchet. Be the bigger person. Be the happier person. People are attracked to an upbeat person more than a negative, controlling person. Be the person who everyone wants to be friends with because they know you to be an open, flexible, forgiving, happy woman.

Your story made me think of a recent situation I had with 2 friends. One friend I'd known for years, the other was fairly new. I brought them together and they became friends. I felt like the new friend got competitive with me over the old friend. After a while I started to feel hurt that the old friend seemed to be taken in so quickly and I realized I was becoming the outsider. I was shocked out how it was playing out. It really irked me that I was the one that brought them together and this newer person was scheming to take my friend. That's how it felt and I do think there was a little competition going on. Now, I've dropped out and they are still friends. The old friend has hardly been in touch with me but the 2 of them are still tight.



I was totally jealous! It's hard to admit, but I got my feelings hurt and let them go. Due to other circumstances the new friend and I had to "break up" so now it's all them. I'm over it, mostly. But it did suck.

I think you can stew over it and be mad, but you can't make people choose. Like you said, life is too short. It would be great if you and SIL could work things out, but if not, try to have faith that your true friends will still be there whether she is involved or not. If they really are your true friends they aren't going anywhere.

Here is the deal. Its not that I'm jealous, she has friends but they are nothing like mine... its that we simply just don't get along and have nothing in common. She is my SIL from me being with her brother. My friends are my outlet... they are good ladies they are people whom I feel I can meet up for drinks and entrust in feelings I can't express to my family, know what I mean. Now what do I do if SIL is now included, pretend like she isn't at the table when I'm venting about her and her family! I need these people more then she does. It feels like sleeping with the enemy and stupid and highschool as it is its making me really sad.

She always invites me to the b-day party she throws for herself and of course its a nice gesture... but its my choice to not mingle friends with her, not hers. I've never actually come right out and said SIL we aren't going to mingle friends, its just not a good idea because saying that would only make the situation worse. I just want it to be that unspoken rule. I mean she has to see that things are going so much better this way. I mean we don't have conflicts anymore... out of sight out of mind. But she wants, its her who wants to mingle friends and me who is resistant. Its just not a good idea.

If those friends end up becoming friends with her I will have to back away, I'll just have to. Thats the part that makes me sad. :(

bargoo
05-14-2011, 09:01 PM
You say she is your SIL because you are with her brother. You didn't say you are married to her brother. Unless you are actually married to her brother she is not your SIL.

GeeDee
05-14-2011, 09:14 PM
You say she is your SIL because you are with her brother. You didn't say you are married to her brother. Unless you are actually married to her brother she is not your SIL.
So you have to be married with a piece of paper to have family? Thats honestly not the point here... should I say my sons aunt? My baby daddy sister? I say SIL, what is the difference? I live with her brother, I have a family with her brother.

bargoo
05-14-2011, 09:26 PM
Inlaws come with marriage. I would just say she is my boybriend or fiance or SO Sister. That way you can forget the SIL thing that bothers you so much. She is just your SO sister.

GeeDee
05-14-2011, 09:46 PM
Inlaws come with marriage. I would just say she is my boybriend or fiance or SO Sister. That way you can forget the SIL thing that bothers you so much. She is just your SO sister.Okay... no matter what I call her its not going to be enough to change the situation... I'm still stuck with her and the issues are still there. I'm LMAO @ SOS! hahaha

Gogirl008
05-14-2011, 11:20 PM
I think a lot of us are saying the same things. You just have to take from it what suits you.

You now have mutual friends. You have to decide if you can share those friends. If not, then it's up to you to decide if you can continue those friendships. It's understandable that you would have conflicted feelings. But if you are the one that is having issues with that then the ball is in your court. I don't think that's an easy spot to be in, but if it's you that has a problem with it than it's you that has to be able to fix it or be willing to walk away.

Yes, it's a crappy spot to be in. I hope you can find peace with this.

Nola Celeste
05-15-2011, 01:16 AM
You are stuck with her, you're absolutely right. So do you want to be stuck with her and resent everything she does, or do you want to be stuck with her and tolerate her in a good-natured, indulgent kind of way? Hint: the former is WAY tougher on you than the latter. ;)

One thing that really leapt out at me in your response: you say that you need these friends more than she does. How do you know that about her? It's assuming a lot to think that you can "claim" these friends because you need to use them more than she does. Maybe she also needs good friends for reasons that have nothing to do with you. Besides, friends aren't really there to be used like toilets or toothbrushes, so it's not like you and she can't share.

It also surprised me to see how much you seemed to need to unload on your friends about SIL and the rest of the family. If you're feeling this much constant pressure to vent about family matters, you might want to expand your circle of friends anyway to reduce the burden that they bear from hearing it constantly. That's a tough thing to ask other people to do, and sometimes they need a break from it no matter how much they love having you as a friend.

If you can manage it, try to accept the olive branch she offers you. Whatever happened in the past between you and her is history. Let it go. You have a child now and that woman is your kid's aunt, your guy's sister. If you're close enough to call her sister-in-law, you are close enough to WORK on this relationship the way you would any vital family relationship.

It may not work and you and she may just be very different people who don't get along, but...well, again, I'm going to be very honest here and say that people who simply don't get along usually have no trouble just avoiding one another--they don't get jealous or possessive over friendships, decline invitations, and harbor resentments.

Do you really just dislike her or are you still hurt or angry at something she'd done in the past? If that's the case, try to find a way to put that hurt away. Talk to her, meditate, seek advice from a therapist or religious figure (if you're so inclined), but acknowledge that at some point, YOU are the one who must deal with it--not just for your sake, but for the sake of your child who deserves an aunt and your BF who deserves to maintain a good relationship with his sister.

Regera Dowdy
05-15-2011, 01:25 AM
I've never actually come right out and said SIL we aren't going to mingle friends, its just not a good idea because saying that would only make the situation worse. I just want it to be that unspoken rule. I mean she has to see that things are going so much better this way.

Um, you haven't talked to her about the problems you two have? Maybe that's something you should change. She could have a totally different perspective on this, and she can't read your mind. It's possible that she's trying to steal your friends. It's also possible, like DixC Chix said, that she's trying to extend an olive branch. Maybe she just liked these people and wanted to reconnect. It's hard to tell if you don't talk to her about it. Unspoken rules are hard to follow. When my sister and I were little, we shared a room. There was an "invisible line" marking which side was whose. The thing about unspoken rules and invisible lines is that people have different ideas about the boundaries, and some people don't know those rules or lines are even there.

If you can't talk to her about this, then the best advice I can give is for you to not take your resentment out on your friends. Friends can't be stolen (unless they're kidnapped!), but friends can shift allegiances. If you stop being the person they have fun with and turn into someone who stops hanging out with them because she's going to be there and you spend time badmouthing a mutual acquaintance, it sucks the fun out of being friends. I don't know what your SO's sister has done to you or what her relationship with your friends was like in school, but perhaps you could figure out a way to up your tolerance?

Maybe you can talk to your friends next time you're in the group and she's not around. You can even tell them part of the truth: you trust them and value being able to share your feelings with them, but you don't feel comfortable being open with your SO's sister listening in. Your SO's sister might not understand that it's only venting, and even if she did understand, you don't want to put her in an awkward position. Perhaps you feel like she's interfering with a group where you feel it's safe to share and to be yourself. I don't see why you can't tell that to your friends. It tells them your side without making the other person a villain. Just don't start complaining about her after you tell them that.

I don't think this situation is about which one of you "wins".

So you have to be married with a piece of paper to have family?

I think bargoo's referring to the "in law" part of "sister-in-law".

eclipse
05-15-2011, 01:30 AM
What did she do that made you dislike her so much?

FreeSpirit
05-15-2011, 02:14 AM
You are making this situation what it is, and any sadness you are feeling are because of your own actions. If you ask your friends to choose, and they choose her then you have no one to blame but yourself. You don't have to be friends with your SIL to keep your friends. You also don't have to make those friends your ONLY friends. Find new girlfriends that you can spill to about your SIL. The love you have your friends should be more powerful and important and MEANINGFUL to you than the hate you have for your SIL.

CrystalZ10
05-15-2011, 06:49 AM
I would ready myself for any possible fallout if this girl is hanging out with your SIL. Your complaining to her about the family, but can you trust her to be quiet and not tell your SIL about what you've said in the past?
If you can, than maybe ask that you hang out with her when SIL isn't able to go.

fatferretfanatic
05-15-2011, 07:52 AM
I don't think you can control who other adults are and aren't friends with.I have been on both sides of a situation I preferred not to be around someone and when someone preferred me not to hang around with someone. With the former situation, I simply met those other friends at other times. With the latter situation, I ended up spending time with that person anyway because honestly, I don't feel that anybody should tell me who I should and shouldn't like. I don't think you know that you need friends more than she. You guys were both friends with these people. How does that make you more entitled? In any case, if this goes on, the friends will sense the tension, especially if she goes on about you to them like you do about her. That really puts them at an awkward situation. If they're friends with her, they might not even want to hear bad things from you about her. Why not find new friends that you can talk to about it, or perhaps even consider counseling since it bothers you so much and counselors are as non biased as they can be. It's helped me in the past.

sacha
05-15-2011, 10:39 AM
Here's the problem: If your SIL doesn't care that she's friends with you, but you demand that your friend chooses, then you are going to lose. I don't care what beef people have between each other, that's not my problem. Unless it was something so drastic as that person being "the other woman" (obviously not in your case), physical assault, etc. then really, why should your friend "choose"?

If you're the one with the issue then you're the one who needs to let go. I suspect, from reading this entire thread, that you are making your situation much worse than it needs to be.

My MIL (or my baby's daddy's mom, LOL, because I am not married either!) drives me mad. But she isn't going anywhere. She is family, a family *I CHOSE*, when I got with my baby daddy (LOL sorry, I had to). So I deal with it maturely and let it be. Only when she insulted my parenting style did I respectfully state to not speak about me in that manner. Other than that, I shrug everything else off - there's no need.

InControl2Day
05-15-2011, 11:19 AM
It seems like whatever happened between the two of you bothers you a lot. Do you think your SIL is aware of this?

I used to be one of those people who lashed out when I was younger but I'd like to think I'm more drama-free nowadays. I'd like to think I've changed since then. Has your SIL given you any reason the most recent interactions to have ulterior motives? You are with her brother so I would think she would want peace and acceptance. If she is really that intolerable, then your friend Dee will see it too and make her own judgement about being friends with her.

I tend to like to see other people prove my initial opinions of them and for their true colors to show instead of making me look like the bad guy/show insecurity. Let them hang out with who they want.

JEN3
05-15-2011, 12:06 PM
People are not bought and sold and they can choose their own friends and who they want to associate with.

jules1216
05-15-2011, 12:25 PM
Playing devil's advocate...

Are they your real friends or the people you bash your baby daddy's family too? If they are your real friends, you can overcome the fact that they mingle with your sil, you will have a relationship that is bigger than venting, it may even be the bridge that fills the gap and brings some closure to whatever it is between you and her. It cant be easy for your man and his parents that you hate his sister. My son and daughter are very different, yet when it comes down to it, they love each other no matter what.

You can vent here...or find a select few that you trust...just remember what you put in print can be forwarded to another and may come back to haunt you.
dont do things in haste that you may regret later. It seems that if you cut them off and they stay friends with her, it will only add fuel to the fire of hate that you cant seem to let go of.

GeeDee
05-15-2011, 01:26 PM
Thanks everyone. I met up with one of my very good friends who is also friends in this group last night over drinks and we both really think that Dee is trying to be the peace maker... I'll have to have another conversation with Dee about this possibility.

SIL (or whatever you want to call her) and I have a very long history together. A few years ago we couldn't even be in the same room. We've in the last couple years graduated to being together at family functions and its working out perfectly! The problem between us is mainly that her and her mom love to bash me to the rest of the family behind my back. They continue to hurt me by doing this. Therefor why on earth would I want to associate with SIL (or whatever you want to call her) outside of a family situation??? I would be crazy to put myself in that position.

Anyway I appreciate all of the feedback here it really helps put the situation into better perspective.

DixC Chix
05-15-2011, 07:19 PM
Thanks everyone. I met up with one of my very good friends who is also friends in this group last night over drinks and we both really think that Dee is trying to be the peace maker... I'll have to have another conversation with Dee about this possibility.

SIL (or whatever you want to call her) and I have a very long history together. A few years ago we couldn't even be in the same room. We've in the last couple years graduated to being together at family functions and its working out perfectly! The problem between us is mainly that her and her mom love to bash me to the rest of the family behind my back. They continue to hurt me by doing this. Therefor why on earth would I want to associate with SIL (or whatever you want to call her) outside of a family situation??? I would be crazy to put myself in that position.

Anyway I appreciate all of the feedback here it really helps put the situation into better perspective.

Okay, that clarifies things a bit. I can identify with that situation. It happens a lot in families everywhere. It always surprised me when former SIL would know something that I told to XH, who told his aunt who told MIL (who is aunts sister) who told SIL who has talked with BIL (and my sis) then asks me about a now very twisted version. In the beginning it used to PI$$ ME OFF royally. How dare they talk about me behind my back to EVERYBODY ELSE and put their spin on things instead to talking to me directly. Sigh. Its what they do and it is who they are. I can't change them, they will do what they do. The best I could do is change how I react to them. I laugh at it when my sis relates what they say (my BIL is aunt and xMIL's brother). I laugh at it and shake my head with no hard feelings. I'm mean really, when you think about it - xDH to aunt to MIL to BIL to SIL to my sis to me - its just really, really funny!!! They are a bunch of silly gossips with nothing better to do. What a relief to let go of the anger and frustration when I changed my attitude. And they do it to everybody and each other in the family. :dizzy: I'll bet your SOS/SOM do it to other people, too - not just you.

Bottom line, when you don't give their behavior any value, it is meaningless. Like water off a duck.

kaplods
05-15-2011, 08:13 PM
The problem between us is mainly that her and her mom love to bash me to the rest of the family behind my back.

If they're talking about you behind your back, who is passing the information back to you? In my experience, the person who brings the story back to tyou is rarely as innocent as they make themselves out to be (often they're the one who actually initiated the badmouthing in the first place, and many times they're actually quoting themselves, and blaming someone else).

If its your bf, he needs to defend you in the moment, not tell you about it later.

If it's someone else in the family, beware their motives, and their level of participation. If they weren't listening to it, the bashing would never get elaborate enough to bring back to you, because they would have nipped it in the bud by defending you or refusing to hear it.

Also, you admit to talking about them behind their backs ("venting"), are you sure that's any different that what they're doing?

Venting and badmouthing are really the same behavior. It's just (justified) venting when we do it about someone else, and it's (unjustifiable) badmouthing when someone does it about us. If we hear and are upset about what was said about us, the words are "unforgiveable," and if they hear what we've vented about them and are upset, they're "being overly sensitive."


Also, a lot of families engage in "recreational gossiping" and nothing truly hostile is meant by it. It's venting in it's truest sense - expressing frustration with family members who aren't everything we wish they'd be (people rarely are).

My family has elevated recreational gossiping to an art form. Everyone in the family (or outside of it, for that matter) is fair game, and anyone who isn't present is likely to be a target - but there's also an unwritten "fairness" rule that "what's said at the gossip table, stays at the gossip table," and it's also generally acknowledged that anyone who tattles to the gossip subject, is usually doing it to stir trouble, or a way to initiate a recreational gossip session of their own.

GeeDee
05-15-2011, 10:03 PM
The bashing they do is so stupid... its totally passive aggressive... they will say to me "oh such and such is fine" but really its not fine and when they get home its time to tell BF's grandmother or aunt who eventually you can figure out via other conversations what went on. My venting about it is nothing more then to my friends with "can you believe these people"... we all do it... we're a support group to each other... and I could care less if BF's fam talked about me how every they see fit to anyone who it wont matter to but when they do it to someone like grandma and auntie... that hurts. They are really petty about it too like complaining about that I didn't have enough napkins in the house or that I buy cheap toilet paper or the gift I bought them was broken when they opened it (it was a glass picture frame and in the course of wrapping and transporting the glass broke, I felt terrible about it). Stuff that is really hurtful to hear after they are passive aggressive and tell me don't you worry its fine. Know what I mean. Who needs that.

Gale02
05-15-2011, 10:23 PM
So, it hurts you to hear that people are saying you buy cheap toilet paper?? Do you hear what you're holding a grudge about? Who cares if MIL told grandma she didn't like the gift you bought? If they were calling you a whore or a drug user or child abuser... sure, that might give you license for some confrontation. But you're upset because they don't like how many napkins you have? It sounds like you need to let some things go, IMO, and not assume everyone is out to get you.

Also, what Kaplods said. I especially love the distinction between venting and badmouthing, I've always thought that there's really no difference except for the party speaking.

Nola Celeste
05-15-2011, 11:07 PM
Girrrrl...if the worst thing they're saying is that you buy cheap TP, they are not that bad! Okay, maybe it's a little petty of them to notice and talk about that, but it's really, really small potatoes--not something you should hold a grudge about.

Let me put this into perspective for you a little bit. My brother died suddenly a couple of weeks after starting divorce proceedings. His soon-to-be-ex-wife broke into the house a couple of days after his death and snapped off the pipe from the water heater to flood the house because she knew that my family would have to deal with the damage to my brother's worldly possessions. She wanted to cause us (and her own 16-year-old son, whom she didn't want and left to move in with my parents) more pain on top of having to deal with a funeral. That's how hateful and spiteful she was. That's who I was talking about when I referred to having difficult in-laws.

So yeahhhhh...saying you use Brand-X bum-fodder is such an unbelievably small deal that you should give these folks a hug for being no worse than an eensy-weensy bit petty about paper products. Seriously, they are NOT dragons.

GeeDee
05-16-2011, 12:37 AM
Okay yes that sounds petty... but its different. Its hard to explain trying out... they do some pretty nasty things besides talk about the toilet paper I buy. How about when we invite them to a birthday party for my son and my daughter and they only (all of them) only bring gifts for my son but not my daughter... even though my daughter has been part of the family since she was 2 years old? (she is 11 now)........ my daughter was 8 when this happened and of course they aren't obligated to do anything for her but come on... they came to the party and brought gifts for my son who is their blood. They didn't have to bring anything for either of them and it would have been just fine but they only bring for the one who is their blood... then they eat the food we prepare and leave to then talk about the toilet paper I had and not enough napkins.... does anyone else see something wrong with this picture?

Nola Celeste
05-16-2011, 03:02 AM
I get that you think they're crappy people, but I respectfully disagree. Maybe they're a little petty, and it isn't really very nice to talk about other people's paper products, and it's definitely mean-spirited to bring a gift for one child and not for another, but...that happened three years ago by your own account.

Three years is a LONG time to hold onto some offhand comments about single-ply TP.

Did you talk to them about it? I can think of at least a few reasons that they might have done as they did. Did they realize it was a joint birthday party? Were they really tight on money? Did they just get confused about which person was going to buy both children's gifts and spent the whole car ride to your house arguing over how the mix-up could've happened?

If you haven't talked to them, you don't know.

Honestly, it sounds like a lot of what's going on is work that you need to do on feeling okay with your extended family. They are imperfect people; they're maybe a little petty, maybe a little chilly, maybe even a little mean-spirited sometimes, but they are not so evil that you can't bear to be around them, surely? They haven't lit anything of yours on fire, stolen from you, physically harmed you, killed your pet?

You're trying to justify how badly you hate them here on the boards, but try to see what it is you're really so upset about. Three years is a long time to stew over something, even something as rude as failing to bring two gifts.

LisaP916
05-16-2011, 07:11 AM
Okay yes that sounds petty... but its different. Its hard to explain trying out... they do some pretty nasty things besides talk about the toilet paper I buy. How about when we invite them to a birthday party for my son and my daughter and they only (all of them) only bring gifts for my son but not my daughter... even though my daughter has been part of the family since she was 2 years old? (she is 11 now)........ my daughter was 8 when this happened and of course they aren't obligated to do anything for her but come on... they came to the party and brought gifts for my son who is their blood. They didn't have to bring anything for either of them and it would have been just fine but they only bring for the one who is their blood... then they eat the food we prepare and leave to then talk about the toilet paper I had and not enough napkins.... does anyone else see something wrong with this picture?

You don't want to hear this, because you keep trying to convince us you're right but seriously? Get over it. NO ONE is obligated to bring gifts to a party. Is it insensitive of them to bring gifts only for the child they're related to? Maybe, but just because you believe they should doesn't mean they're wrong for not. And this ridiculousness over toilet paper and the like? The person at fault here is the one bringing these stories back to you.

It'd be like if one of these girlfriends you b!tch too went back and told pseudo-SIL about your venting. Who is wrong? You for venting or the person who went back to the SIL? What they do is no different than what you do; they just don't hear about it.

Build a bridge and get over it. Life is too short and you're wasting precious energy dwelling on this stuff.

fatferretfanatic
05-16-2011, 07:32 AM
All families have drama, no matter how great or nice or awesome you are. You just have to ignore it, or choose not to care when someone does bring it back to you. My in-laws do not like the fact that I am not religious, never mind that my hubby isn't either. I've heard tales of having my grandma in law saying I'll probably go to ****, but honestly, if she's nice to me to my face what do I care? I'm as nice as I can be, and I generally get niceness back, even if it is superficial. I do love them and I know they love me-but every family sometimes gets caught up in idle gossip.

MiZTaCCen
05-16-2011, 10:41 AM
Okay first off I think you've gotten some great advice here, but I think you need to tell the person who is relaying all this garbage back to you on what these people are saying about you that they need to stop. It's clearly not doing any good for your mental state.

I also think you may need to reconsider venting to these friends (like Dee) about your SIL and her family, because to be quite honest what you say to them is probably going right back to your SIL and so on, so in the end you look just as bad as they do for talking petty crap. Not to mention they won't see it as that and make it seem like you are worse and your feeding them more fuel to talk about.

In the end you choose to be with this guy, and choose to be apart of his family (technically if you are living together it is common law marriage there for you are married without that "stupid" piece of paper and have the right to call her your sister in law. IMO) there for you are either going to have to put a stop to this and confront them and have a sit down talk with them let them know they are hurting you, or as I said before tell the person who is passing on this crap to you to stop. You do not want to hear anymore of it.

Being pissed off at people all the time is exhausting and it's draining trust me and I'm sure you are recently figuring that out. So they said you buy crappy TP, if they're saying it to your face make a joke on how if they don't like it they can buy you the "good" stuff or whatever. Stop taking things to heart and stop allowing yourself to hear this gossip and petty stuff they are saying. As Nola said, as long as they aren't lighting something of yours on fire, harming you or your child in any way they aren't THAT bad of people. Sure they're pathetic and petty and have nothing better to do then bash you, but than again you choose to be apart of that family by being with the man you are with.

GeeDee
05-16-2011, 10:55 AM
Okay it reads very differently then it makes me feel and frankly I asked for honesty about the situation with my friends and SIL/SOS not about all this other stuff.

Its interesting how people play follow the leader on these message boards because I have kept this exact same tread going on 2 other message boards... one a general womans and the other a parenting board and none of them are as opinionated about my fault in all this then the weight-loss board.

Regardless they are pretty nasty people I could go on and on but really the matter at hand is that SIL/SOS whatever the heck she is to me I don't want to have to re-hash anything with her that we have already figured out the best way to keep at bay and that is keeping our relationship strictly limited to family occasions and not socially. I can't and will not socialize with this person. Its not healthy, she is toxic. IF it works out that she starts socializing with same group of friends I socialize with then I will have no choice but to bow out. My friends are pretty smart people and eventually they will see her for what she is. I'm not worried about it anymore but I'm not going to sit on a message board that I came to for honest advice and be told that something I'm feeling and more importantly HURT MY KIDS is okay behavior.... petty or not. DO NOT come into my home, eat my food and treat my kids badly and then talk about something as stupid as I didn't have enough napkins and had cheap toilet paper.... I could draw a longer list but thats not the point. Thanks for listening and please know y'all don't have to play follow the poster before you to get a point across.

I hope that doesn't come off as defensive... I do appreciate the feedback and it helped me a lot! :)

Gale02
05-16-2011, 11:30 AM
I don't think we're playing follow the poster, I think it's the opinion that a whole lot of objective observers have about your situation.

On the subject of not mingling friends - I think that's up to you. In my opinion it's immature and very high school and I think you'll end up with very few friends if you play that game. But, you gotta do what you gotta do.

MiZTaCCen
05-16-2011, 11:43 AM
Its interesting how people play follow the leader on these message boards because I have kept this exact same tread going on 2 other message boards... one a general womans and the other a parenting board and none of them are as opinionated about my fault in all this then the weight-loss board.


I hope that doesn't come off as defensive... I do appreciate the feedback and it helped me a lot! :)

I find it interesting how one asks for adivce and feedback from people yet gets all defensive because not everyone is siding with you in saying they are horrible people. I'm sure in your mind they are but we're only getting one side of the story. I think everyone here has had valide points and their own opinion on things and it's not about following what the last poster said, and sure some things get quoted because some times people offered good enough advice.

LisaP916
05-16-2011, 12:38 PM
Maybe you're getting a harder line from posters here because we've all worked really hard to get through all the bullsh!t in life and focus on what's important. During a weight loss journey, one is forced to take a long hard look at oneself. I used to b!tch and moan about these people in my life who were doing me wrong, disrespecting me, and generally making me feel lousy. The truth was that *I* was the one doing me wrong, disrespecting myself, and making myself feel lousy. I projected my crap onto everyone else, and it took some serious soul-searching to realize it and make the changes I needed to make. I lost some friends, I gained others, and I was able to patch up some relationships I thought were damaged beyond repair.

So yeah, when you say they're trashing you because they don't like your toilet paper and didn't bring a gift for a child they're not related to, it comes off as an over-reaction. Sure, the Reader's Digest version you're giving us is over-simplified, but the bottom line here is that you still have to get over it. You can give them all the power by dwelling on it, which will only make YOUR life miserable, or you can let it roll and move on.

If you feel like that's a party line, then maybe it's time to join the party.

sacha
05-16-2011, 12:54 PM
You asked for honesty :)

What you complain about and your reaction to a rather overwhelming majority of people who suggest that you could view things differently to make your life a little better indicates that you are likely big part of the problem you are experiencing yourself.

Part of growing, as a person, is the ability to step back and realize that perhaps you could use some self improvement and that you are part of the problem. Because quite frankly, you certainly are. You are giving us "your side" of the story and it STILL comes off like you are causing things to be the way they are.

As for the gift thing, I actually do agree with you on that, I don't think that was acceptable. Maybe I missed it - did you explain to them that this was hurtful to your child? Bottom line is that nobody is perfect and sometimes people don't know they are in the wrong until they are told flat out - them... and you.

fitness4life
05-16-2011, 03:37 PM
I admit, I stopped reading responses after 2 pages of the same thing. GeeBee, the people who responded just don't get it. I think I do.

Somewhere on this site, I responded with a definition of true friend. My best friends and I have a name for it - we are each other's "Ruth's".

What is a "Ruth"? Ruth is a woman in the Bible who stayed by her dead husband's mother's side through thick and thin because they were friends, to put it extremely abridged.


A Ruth is there for you in hard times. A Ruth stays with you after hard times have passed. A Ruth is there to genuinely celebrate successes with you and without jealously.

I believe you are about to discover that Dee is not your Ruth.

My "friend", Bebe (not her real name), became my closest friend the year I moved here. Shortly after, she was there to hold my hand through the demise of my marriage. She introduced me to another friend, Shamy (not her real name), we all were pretty happy being friends.

Before I moved out and filed for divorce, I suspected Shamy was involved with my husband. I asked her. She denied. I discussed it with Bebe, she told me NEVER would Shamy do that.

I moved out, divorced. That week, I was able to confirm Shamy was, indeed having an affair with my husband. (Not the cause of the divorce, for the record).

Imagine my dismay that Bebe was still friends with Shamy! I thought she was my Ruth. But I, like the many posters here, decided to be an adult about it and let that go. I remained friends with Bebe for 2 more years, but could not remain friends with Shamy. Shamy and I had our "break up" friend discussion and I cut her loose.

Bebe continued to juggle being friends with both of us and all were respectful not to use Bebe for info on the other. Until one day, Bebe ignored me. WTH? It turns out, Shamy had told Bebe outright LIES about me. Shamy even told my KIDS outright lies about me. Bebe believed her, without even coming to me. When we talked it out several months later, Bebe apologized for believing Shamy and for not realizing how the lies could harm my kids.

But Bebe continued to be friends with Shamy. What to do? Continue to be the mature adult and let friends be friends, blah blah blah?

No. This mingling of friends had the potential to hurt my kids. I broke up friendship with Bebe, honestly, the night she crashed my birthday party. This "friend" came uninvited to a party my "Ruth's" threw for me so she could "apologize". I accepted her apology and told her I did not want her in my life and that she should move on.

I'm sorry this was so long, but I wanted to display how I can empathize with your situation, and show how "rising above" has the potential to be very harmful.

I totally disagree with the other posters.

I'm sorry for your situation, but it's toxic. Leave the group.

sacha
05-16-2011, 03:49 PM
But even if she dumps the friend, she still has her SIL, the original nemesis, to contend with on a frequent basis. Since her nemesis, the SIL, is in no way a serious threat to her family (ie. affair, physical assault) then it would be wise to attempt to soften their relations with each other. I suggest reading her updated posts as to WHY they don't get along - respectfully, I don't think it is in any way comparable to the devastating acts of your Shamy. It's 100% repairable, but the OP needs to accept her own faults in this.

Nola Celeste
05-16-2011, 04:00 PM
Sometimes what looks like "follow-the-poster" is just a general consensus. If I ask folks to be honest and tell me when I'm doing something wrong, I may not like the answer--but if they all concur, I do have to take a deep breath and re-assess my role in creating or fostering the problem.

If you don't like them, you don't have to have anything to do with them. You can control that. The flip side of that decision, though, is that you have to deal with its consequences. If you cut yourself off from your guy's family, you will have to deal with fallout and drama, some of which might be severe.

You can control your contact with these people, but you cannot control others' contact with them. That includes Dee and all your other friends. You may not like it and people on other boards may say otherwise, but when it comes down to it, telling other adults that they can't socialize with X or Y will only make them sever contact with you, not with X or Y. The name of the thread is "Please be honest," and that's about as honest as I can get.

I wish you luck; it really is tough to deal with in-laws you dislike. I feel for everyone involved in this situation, because it can't be fun for any of you.

fatferretfanatic
05-16-2011, 04:30 PM
I think the reason why people here are giving you the answers that you don't necessarily want or agree with is because this is a weight loss forum. Weight loss relies very heavily on personal responsibility. If you don't take resonsibility for your life and your weight, you can't lose it because that makes it not your fault, and therefore, powerless. Here, we empower ourselves. I think you have an opportunity to do just that. You can either change how you interact with your sister in law, you can grow some thicker skin, or you can do nothing and continue to be miserable. Your friends aren't going to just leave your sister in law as friends over petty family tribulations, and if you count on them to do that, I don't think that's being a fair friend. At the very least, why choose to let it bother you? Just ignore that stuff. By doing that, you place the power with you and take it away from them. You aren't powerless, here.

kaplods
05-16-2011, 04:56 PM
I think the reason why people here are giving you the answers that you don't necessarily want or agree with is because this is a weight loss forum. Weight loss relies very heavily on personal responsibility. If you don't take resonsibility for your life and your weight, you can't lose it because that makes it not your fault, and therefore, powerless. Here, we empower ourselves. I think you have an opportunity to do just that. You can either change how you interact with your sister in law, you can grow some thicker skin, or you can do nothing and continue to be miserable. Your friends aren't going to just leave your sister in law as friends over petty family tribulations, and if you count on them to do that, I don't think that's being a fair friend. At the very least, why choose to let it bother you? Just ignore that stuff. By doing that, you place the power with you and take it away from them. You aren't powerless, here.


SO VERY TRUE

While 3FC is one of the most tactful and gentle weight loss boards, "take responsiblity for your emotions because no one else can" is part and parcel of successful weight loss.

All of us have ten thousand reasons (90% of them are very good ones) for not having lost the weight. We've often been deeply hurt by friends and family, and have had to say "it doesn't matter who's fault it is, only I can fix this."

People are imperfect, and many are hurtful and petty. Usually it's unintentional ignorance, sometimes it's petty lashing out because they don't have the skills to do better.

You have every right to hold a grudge, but when you hold grudges it only makes it easier to hold more. Soon everyone is mean and out to get you, and anyone who won't agree with you is ganging up on you.

Most of us could easily "top" your examples of your SIL's pettiness with examples from our own friends and family (some of them displaying not just pettiness, but pure evil).

Heck, most of us (if we're really honest with ourselves) can give you far worse examples of what we did to someone else intentionally (not because we're bad people, but because we're human, and we don't always act as nicely as we should to one another).

My brother and I were adopted, and we had relatives who showed clear preference to the "real" nephews, nieces, and grandchildren. But we also had relatives who showed clear preference for the girls in the family than the boys or the boys over the girls - or over one relative's children over another. All of us were in at least one "preferred" and in one "rejected" list. Mostly we were taught to forgive, though some relatives held grudges (but were just as guilty as anyone else as dishing it out, so it really only made them hypocrites).

We had one relative who made it a point to never buy us anything we asked for on the Christmas lists she'd ask us to write (and we'd get to watch cousins open the gifts that we asked for). The best chance of getting something we actually wanted was to tell her how "stupid" we thought the toy was if we saw it on a comercial.

My own dear grandmother who lived with us, and whom my brother and I both loved (despite the unfairness) strongly preferred the girls over the boys. The girls got more attention and better gifts than the boys. Sounds terrible until you learn (which we did as young children) that her parents treated the sons like royalty and the daughters were physically abused and treated like dirt - the boys even ate first, and if there wasn't enough food left for the girls, they didn't eat. And coming from a poor family of 15 children, that often meant the girls didn't eat.




You can choose not to forgive anyone (including all of us) but the less forgiving you are, the fewer friends you have, because perfect friends and friends who are never selfish and petty (and yet are willing to put up with our selfishness and pettiness) aren't only rare, they don't exist.

I think (as you suspected) your friend is doing this on purpose. She's trying to mend fences between you and your SIL, because she's a peacemaker (I know the type, I'm one myself). She sees the pettiness and thinks you both are mature enough and good enough at heart to be able to get past this.

You can either prove her right, or wrong.

Gale02
05-16-2011, 05:56 PM
As is her way, Kaplods hit the nail on the head.

GeeDee
05-16-2011, 08:37 PM
I do appreciate all the responses. I know y'all are only hearing one side, my side but thats what I'm needing advice on is my side. Anyway I'm not defensive at all.... its just frustrating when you post something and then it becomes a gang up because most everyone wants to agree with each other. Anyway I've been talking it through with Dee and it came out today that she was trying to be the peace maker.... she realizes thats not her place... her words not mine, I just listened. It all came out when I called her to apologized for having a mini freakout (hahaha) anyway I think we are all good. Apparently it also didn't take longer then 30 minutes for the group of girls to back away from her because of the complete difference in lifestyles they have with her. The nightclub she picked for her party is a local gang hang out.... my friends are in no way interested in that lifestyle. Thats another fear I had having SIL/SOS (whatever you want to call her) hang out with this group... the lifestyles just don't fit.

ANYWAY I posted this on 3 different boards I frequent because I wanted to get honest opinions from 3 different demographic groups. I found that the Mom's group was extreemly sympathetic with situation when they excluded my daughter. And yes... they knew it was a joint party... it was on the invite. The general womans board didn't respond to much but they were helpful and the weightloss board.... y'all.... hmmmmm well I've learned my lesson here hahahahahah!!!!!!!

Thanks though cause the first page of responses really really helped... it didn't go downhill until the comment about her not even being my SIL came up. BUT YES, I asked for honesty and thank you, I appreciate getting it. Thats the beauty of message boards, you most likely will get honesty even when you don't ask for it... in this case I did.

Sorry y'all can't sympathize with lookin out for your kids feelings... that to me means more then caring about someones feelings getting left out of a friendship group any day. The kids are off limits no matter what.

Anyway thanks again :)

Gale02
05-16-2011, 08:45 PM
I can absolutely sympathize with looking out for your kids' feelings, that's what moms are for! What I can't sympathize with is holding a grudge over it and thereby teaching your kids that that's the appropriate response when you are slighted (however maliciously.) It's our job to teach our kids to turn the other cheek and live a joyful life in spite of other's actions... we can only control our response to others, we can't control their action.

I'm glad things are working out ok, I hope that these women turn out to be the group of friends you're searching for! :)

GeeDee
05-16-2011, 09:56 PM
I can absolutely sympathize with looking out for your kids' feelings, that's what moms are for! What I can't sympathize with is holding a grudge over it and thereby teaching your kids that that's the appropriate response when you are slighted (however maliciously.) It's our job to teach our kids to turn the other cheek and live a joyful life in spite of other's actions... we can only control our response to others, we can't control their action.

I'm glad things are working out ok, I hope that these women turn out to be the group of friends you're searching for! :)
Don't start assuming something. My kids KNOW NOTHING. I have never once said a word to them ever. Please, just because I said be honest doesn't mean its open season to start assuming. Okay... lets be clear on that. My reasons are because I don't want my kids hurt by them. Period.

ryeb
05-16-2011, 10:12 PM
I didn't see any type of band wagon. People from the beginning were not "on board" with you dictating who your friends can and can not be friends with.

Suzanne 3FC
05-16-2011, 10:22 PM
Due to concerns expressed by several members, we have decided to close this thread.

I'm sure the OP is appreciative of the feedback received from every angle and we wish her the best of luck in this difficult situation.