My boyfriend got WLS and it is ruining our relationship!
I'm not sure what to do. My boyfriend is the sweetest man in the WORLD. When I met him he was shy and very moral. I was/am is first girlfriend and he is 25. He is attractive...but he was 370lbs so I assume that that's why he was single for so long.
WELL....he got the surgery...3 weeks ago. And he started losing weight before that (on the pre-op diet). He is HORRIBLE now. He isn't fun to be around....he is snappy, cocky, and annoyed with most everything. He was always selfless and now he's self-involved.
Is this the 'diet' that is making him like this? is this how it is going to be? I can't STAND entitled and cocky men.....!!!! I know I am jumping the gun but we just moved in together and I feel I made a mistake. I would like to hear about the personality changes y'all experienced. Does this go away?
In my opinion you should take a step back and see if you can't have a little bit of empathy for his situation.
Obviously he didn't get to 375 by having good food habits so it is a massive change he is experiencing. Perhaps he is just irritable.
After having some empathy you might want to consider talking to him about how he is feeling and maybe you can find out what the trouble is. Perhaps it is unrelated to anything I've mentioned and he is having a rough week at work.
On the other hand, perhaps he is a massive jerk and you're now seeing that side of him. Maybe this has something to do with you? Maybe you're not feeling that great about him losing a lot of weight and you're projecting.
I guess my point is you're a bit silly hoping that some random person on the internet will be able to figure out what is happening in your relationship based on a few points of data from your perspective.
I suppose were it me, I'd ask. His mood swings might be normal or maybe he knows he's being a little snappy and already feels bad about it.
He's going through some big changes right now. While eating healthier and losing weight may eventually affect a person's mood positively, it's very hard to start. He might be craving something, or just feeling ill.
Gently ask him. You're concerned that he's upset, and just want to help.
Oh absolutely, I agree lovely. And btw I didn't figure a stranger on the internet could help me with my relationship "problem" but I figured people on the WLS board could give me advice as how to handle someone that has had such an abrupt change in their lives. I was wondering how WLS permanently changes ones' personality. I fell in love with the person he was. And yes, I am worried about the surgery...I am VERY worried that he will change....I know he will be much healthier and I supported him. I have been with him every step of the way...he even got cold feet about it but I encouraged him because I knew he wanted it so badly. I wasn't trying to come across as calice. I do, however, think WLS doesn't just affect the patient but the entire family.
John p. while men only ask for help when there is no other foreseeable option we women tend to talk our way around a subject to find the answers we need...this fact is the very reason we ask other people rather than the man we are involved with....it saves sooo many arguments.
Madkatter....Anyone, man or woman, that has to give up their only means of coping with the world is going to have some negative reactions to having it ripped away, even when we do this to ourselves. I still kick myself sometimes for having to live this lifestyle and its been years for me. Its a very difficult adjustment! He may change, he may have no other choice but find another way to deal with life, but you have to understand, it could take months or years for him to do this adjusting, be patient...find the positives when ever you can. If you love him enough to move in, you can love him through this...and yes you will have to do some adjusting too.
But Remember...you have to take good care of the one person that knows exactly where you're going, knows exactly what you need and want, you...and this adjustment could take months or years, be as supportive as you can without injuring yourself.
Good luck, honey and be sure to let us know what happens in the next few months!
Angela
Last edited by missangelaks; 05-13-2011 at 01:56 AM.
I don't think you're deliberatly being callous, but I do think you're naive and have unrealistic expectations of a person who just underwent such a major life-altering surgery.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Madkatter
WELL....he got the surgery...3 weeks ago. And he started losing weight before that (on the pre-op diet). He is HORRIBLE now. He isn't fun to be around....he is snappy, cocky, and annoyed with most everything. He was always selfless and now he's self-involved.
While I haven't had wls, I have a bachelor's and master's degree in Psychology, and this sounds like a perfectly normal reaction to such a huge physical and emotional life-change to me.
If he'd had any other major surgery, lost his job, had to move to a new city, been in a car accident, gone through a divorce, had a loved one die, been diagnosed with a chronic or life threatening illness or disability, or had to become the caregiver to someone with a disability.... I would expect to see the same personality changes. Any major life-change (even many smaller life-changes) can cause the personality changes you're describing. Stress and pain make a person grumpy and no-fun. And major life-changes don't get resolved in 3 weeks. Not even "just" the major life-change of moving in together with someone. (Living together is a major adjustment for people - chances are your negative personality traits are also showing during this time. You're probably less patient than you would be, if you weren't going through some really major life changes yourself).
Just the pain involved in the healing process has to be pretty significant. It took me 6 weeks to return to my normal, mostly-cheerful self after SINUS surgery, I can't imagine how long it would take for me to recover from having my digestive system re-routed, and then having to make such drastic life-habit changes for the rest of my life. I just had to be careful not to blow or pick my nose (the itching I couldn't scratch alone made me one grumpy b***).
I also have severe mood-swings in response to vlcd's. If my blood-sugar dips because I'm not eating enough, I get snappy and grumpy (definitely no fun). The answer for me, is to "eat something," and if I don't notice, hubby will and will remind me to eat something, but your boyfriend won't have that option.
I'd recommend couples counseling and also a support group for wls patients and their families. This isn't going to be fun or easy for him, or for you for a very long time (no drastic life change would be).
I think that at only 3 weeks out, he's had a fairly major surgery, is anticipating a huge life change, and probably struggling with his identity as well! All that at once is a lot, but it is fair to your relationship to gently address this concern too. I would just keep encouraging him and showing him respect for all that he's going through and love him openly. However, it's not fair for him to snap and treat you poorly and when he does those things, I'd definitely stop him right then and there and tell him that while you absolutely support him and are proud of his dedication and decision, you won't tolerate being treated that way and maybe even suggest alternative ways he can handle things with you.
His life is probably a big rollercoaster right now, so I think it's really important to address those issues kindly, but as soon as they come up. Otherwise it might get lost in a jumble of exaggerated emotions and the point won't hit home as well.
I had the sleeve a month and a half ago..and boy do I have mood swings..I resented those around me who are over weight for not changing their eating habits because I had to change mine.
I had to find other ways to deal with things besides food (like prev. posters said). The pleasure ritual of eating is gone, now I just eat to stop the hunger not get full. Its a big change!
My body was changing so quick & eating food FEELS different!
Last edited by Tiffrutherf; 05-13-2011 at 08:42 AM.
My husband had a life altering accident, that took 15 months to heal from and included several surgeries and the amputation of 2 fingers. In the last year he's been battling A-fib and had heart surgery in January.
Let me tell you, he was one grumpy SOB. I was understanding and nice and so on, but finally after several months I tired of the attitude and called him on it. It ended up in several major fights, but, he had to see, he was not the only one affected. It did clear the air and things got better.
I would definitely give it some time, get some WLS /couples counseling, and have patience. It is a major life change. However, if it goes on too long, you might have to call him on the behavior.
My DH gets so busy wallering in his own self pity, he forgets, that it affects those around him too. So, once in awhile I have to Jack him up.
Hi Katter - you've raised some very good points.<and i have to add that only two of the responses you've had so far have come from people who've had surgery - mine makes three>
Let me put this REALLY simply - because he's been forced into changing his relationship with food, he now has to change ALL his relationships. Sometimes this happens slowly, but more likely it happens fast. Add in the hormone changes associated with very rapid weight loss, and all kinds of stuff can happen. and let's face it, he might be coming across as a bit more self-absorbed simply because this is all so new to him and he's still trying to figure it out.
Some married couples DO NOT SURVIVE this. Others become stronger. People break up. Some friendships are forever lost.
Couples counseling can be a huge help, but it might also be important for your BF to get himself to a counselor to help with his food and body issues. we know they're there!
The only experience I have with this issue is in the matter of domestic abuse. Forgive ALL grumpiness, for all of the above posted reasons. However, if you are seeing verbal or emotional abuse (google it for examples of abuse to see if that's what you are experiencing.), then consider what to do differently than what was previously suggested.
Many abusive people start out relationships like a fairy tail. Then, either slowly, or after a major trigger, abuse will appear.
If it's not abusive, then be sure to take care of yourself once in a while! I'm sure you've been a major care giver. Give yourself some Me time, too.
Thanks everyone. I think a lot of his grumpiness has to do with the fact that HIS life had to change but ours didn't. I still drink and eat etc. I just feel like that's not my problem. He took $12,000 out our future to get this surgery and now he's mad that it changed his life? I am just confused....I know I would feel abandoned without my food/beer crutch in life but he WANTED this so badly. I support him and I think his food issue was way more than I will understand. I'm overweight because I am lazy and I like mexican food lol.....his is much more than that. I love him and I will stick with him....he's a Texas good 'ol boy so I don't think counseling is an option/ I didn't mean to offend anyone, I was just venting. I had in my mind that this WLS was going to "change" his personality and so every little change I notice, I want to highlight and turn it in to "I told you so". I am trying to refrain from being so selfish...and I have never been selfish in our relationship but with the abrupt changes I am feeling insecure. (I'm not insecure about his WL but about the PERSONALITY difference). I know that it is only 3 weeks out but the pre-op diet started 3 weeks before that...he only had pain the first 12 hrs...so he has been at work and resumed "normal" life quickly.
I love him and I will stick with him....he's a Texas good 'ol boy so I don't think counseling is an option/ I didn't mean to offend anyone, I was just venting..
I don't think you offended anyone, especially those of us that have had WLS. We really understand your concern and we know that if you didn't love him you wouldn't be here asking questions, so please continue to ask... if we can help we will... vent all you want
Hang in there sweetie, just keep hugging him and telling him you love him.. its all anyone can do.
WLS doesn't change anyone's personality. Changing how you deal with things and big life stressors does; regardless of whether you lose weight at the gym or via the operating table. I am not sure what personality changes you are insecure about or what you mean by that. The fact that you mentioned the $12k sounds like you are somewhat resentful about that. Maybe you can examine your own feelings about his surgery honestly before having a talk to him about his. For example, you first post said he "was shy and very moral" when you met him - what does that mean? He's not moral anymore? I don't understand that sentence.
People in relationships with obese people get used to that and often find it threatening when that person starts losing weight, as though they will have more options and leave you. He may, but worrying about it won't help or change that. If you have a good and strong relationship, talk to him.
I agree that 3 weeks postop is still in the acute surgery phase - you have to cut him some slack. I know that I am 9 months postop and still somewhat self-centred and obsessed with my diet, exercise, weight loss.. because I have to be. I also regret doing this at times when I can't stuff my face with something that tastes delicious - even though he wanted the surgery and weight loss, that doesn't mean he won't be mourning the loss of his best friend - food.
My boyfriend got WLS and it is ruining our relationship!
