General chatter - Always feeling less than, and how FB can sometimes cause depression




milliondollarbbw
04-30-2011, 10:47 PM
So, I have been doing some much needed thinking about myself, my health, my life, things I want to accomplish, etc.

I am making some headway on a project I have been putting off for years and once I complete it, I know I will feel a lot better in terms of not having the weight of having this huge chore that needs to get done.

As for my weight, I will weigh in tomorrow. I am also going to cut out the bread this week and really up my proteins and veggies and fruits. I went crazy at a local market and bought tons of salad stuff that I really like. I also splurged on yet another water bottle (this time a Nalgene bottle without BPA...do you know how many nalgene bottles I have that have bpa, so now, I don't feel comfy using them? Sigh...).

As for my dating life, I admit I have had the desire to contact the meanie. But, I know that wouldn't be good. He never responds in a nice way, or, at least, very rarely. I don't want to have to deal with him being mean or violent, AND, I promised my friend I wouldn't. The large reason I even feel like contacting him is because I feel very hurt at how he judged me. I tried my best to not judge his past, but, obviously, he didn't feel the need to be as accepting. I feel like he made me out to be this complete loser and like I was just this gross and disgusting person. It really hurt. if he were the only guy I had dated that made me feel that way, it probably wouldn't have hurt so much. But, the fact that my ex left me because he didn't want me anymore (even though I gave so much in the relationship, trying to help him), and the fact that the ex before him couldn't even dump me in person, and made me feel like some type of trailer chick, well, it gets me a little bit blue.

I know I have a lot to offer in a relationship. I know that I really give my heart and my all, and I am not a superficial person, I don't cheat, I am down to earth, etc. And yet, it seems like I have a hard time finding people that can appreciate that part of me. I feel like kicking myself cause I met a guy like that maybe 5 years ago, and he really did like me, but we couldn't even hold a conversation on the phone for 30 minutes. He irked the heck out of me, cause he seemed very unreal, and, there wasn't much attraction. Now, of course, he has a kid and is married and I feel stupid because if I had hooked up with him, I could be the woman living in a nice home with a good guy.

As for facebook, well, it can be depressing when you see people from long ago and how their lives turned out like you thought they would. When I was growing up, we were so very, very, very poor. And, I was only one of a few people of color in my class. Because we were so poor and stuff that was going on in my home, I often came to school dirty, disheveled. I remember how I used to beg people for whatever part of their school lunch that they didn't eat (I ate a lot to deal with the stress at home and because I couldn't tell anyone all of the bad things that were going on---food really did become my friend).

There was this girl in my class who was tall and thin and nice and a dancer. All of the girls wanted to be like her. She was very nice and sweet and popular without hardly any effort. Also, the guy I liked had a crush on her, and of course, she didn't like him. I always figured her life would turn out great. Of course, when I saw her on facebook and found out that no, she hadn't gained weight, but that instead she had married a very successful all-american guy and had tons of kids and a house and seemed very together and had tons of friends, well, it did make me feel kind of blue for a few days. I guess, I felt in my sad times that she was perfect and would have this perfect life, and I wasn't sure I would get that type of life as well. To see her that way, just made me worry more about where someone like me fits into the big scheme of things, ya know?

I also found on facebook my first "almost" relationships. Namely, when I was in junior high, I had a few guys approach me and ask to be in a relationship with me. But, they wanted to be with me only on the condition that I keep it a secret and not tell anyone. I think that type of beginning into the world of "dating", negatively affected my self esteem.

So, right now I am just trying to focus on being happy and achieving the things that I want in life. I so desperately need to get below 300lbs....I know that if I get below that weight, it will be a good boost to my self-esteem and a good push towards continuing with my weightloss goals.

Thanks to everyone who has allowed me to ramble and vent and express myself. I so deeply appreciate the advice and knowledge that you all have given to me.


Emme
04-30-2011, 10:52 PM
Just wanted to give you hugs. :hug: You do deserve to be happy and you do deserve to be appreciated by others.

fatferretfanatic
04-30-2011, 11:09 PM
Listen: you are NOT less than. You are wonderful. If I were a guy, you would be everything I'd want in a relationship: faithful, loving, caring, giving, intelligent. I know that you are also beautiful, because who who writes like you do can have anything but a beautiful soul and body? Big does not mean ugly. Sure, extra weight makes us feel bad about ourselves, but it also deludes us into thinking that we somehow deserve bad things. You don't. You deserve amazing things, an amazing life, and you know what? I hope that's what you're trying to give yourself. By not contacting this person you know will not be good to you, you're being the better person by being above judgemental stupidity. You might not be superficial, but he sounds like he is. You don't even need that. You're going to find someone who is just as amazing as you, you just have to hold out for them and you have to hold out for you. Losing weight is not only to look better, but it serves as an exercise of empowerment. You're taking your health, your state of mind, and your dreams into your own hands. You can do this. Hugs! We all go through hard times, and I know you will overcome this. I hope it is sooner than later!


Gogirl008
04-30-2011, 11:46 PM
Facebook is tricky. It has great benifits for keeping in touch, but poeple only post the best of what they have going on. You really can't take it to heart.

I posted on the other thread "how do love yourself?" and I'm going to copy some of that here.
---------------------
If you accept, allow, or tolerate bad treatment from other people they will assume that you don't believe you deserve to be treated any better than that. We teach people how to treat us. I believe that whole-heartedly. And, wouldn't you advise a friend to wait for the "right guy"? Try to think of yourself as being that worthy. You have every right to pick and choose who you let into your life. And when you decide you only have room and energy for people that treat you well, you might find that the right people show up.

I think that we go through phases of wanting relationships and wanting to be alone. Nothing wrong with that. But don't let the "want" be stronger than your own sense of self-worth and self-respect. The right person shows up when you are ready to recieve the relationship.
---------------------------------
Like you, I'm also working towards a specific goal and it's making me crazy trying to get this accompished. It's going to be a huge challenge for me. I'm intimidated and scared. But it has to be done or I will let myself down for not having accomplished this. There is nowhere else to look for this inspiration. We have it within ourselves. We are able and competent, and looking outside for validation is not the answer.

milliondollarbbw
04-30-2011, 11:58 PM
omg...your responses brought me to tears, but in a good way. I have been told that I write in a way that is very open and maybe my writing is how i let people into my soul?

I admit at times when I have let that crazy person into my life, I just didn't care what they felt of me. at times, I felt like "hey, they already think badly of me, so, so what?". I know I was just lonely and depressed at that time, and probably wanting to believe the bs they told me originally.

I agree that this goal I am working on in my life, that has hindered me for the past 6 years is a big deal for me. If I can get it accomplished, I think I will have more energy to accomplish better things in my life.

i just want to thank you all for your comments and advice. you all give me strength at times when i am not doing so good, ya know?

sending all my heartfelt thank yous. you all are an amazing group of people :)

apassionato di vino
05-01-2011, 03:00 AM
I agree with GoGirl008... you can't take what you see on facebook as proof of someones life. I personally have three friends who are very unhappy in their marriages and homelives. Looking at their facebook pages, you'd think they were on top of the world and madly in love. For myself, anyone looking at my profile pictures would believe I am a lot thinner than I am. It's all about the camera angle and I only post the most flattering pictures. Facebook is a great way to make contact with people, but it's very superficial and one sided contact. Also, I have a personal rule to not have anyone on my friend list that I wouldn't sit down to dinner in my present life.

AZ Sunrises
05-01-2011, 04:31 AM
I've read several of your posts, and I just want to hug you. :hug:

You don't seem to understand your worth and value...and until you do, you're not going to be happy, heavy or thin. It's expensive, and I understand how tight money is for everyone, but if you can afford counseling, please speak with someone.

serendipity907
05-01-2011, 08:52 AM
Your post brought a tear to my eye.

It seems though you are kind of comparing yourself to other people which can be really counterproductive. It doesn't matter if you're not as tall or thin as this girl from high school, or not yet 'happily married'. There are qualities about you that she and others will wish they had.
You sound like an incredibly down to earth and caring woman with a lot of insight into life, which can come from having to grow up poor or in less than ideal circumstances, dealing with low self esteem and so on.
You may not like your past or present compared to other peoples, but I think your future will be richer in every way because you've experienced things which make you stronger and let you grow as a person.

I'd really agree that if possible, counseling can be really helpful.

Somni
05-01-2011, 09:09 AM
I also limit my facebook friends to a very short list. I know there are people in my hs graduating class that are a little put off by that, but who really cares? There's nothing wrong with creating a circle for yourself that is surrounded by people that are in your life now, that you are comfortable with. Not people that you have superficial connections with, just cause you to reach for the measuring stick, or to remember times in your life that cause you pain.

It takes so much energy to focus on the past or what could have been, and in the end it doesn't really get you anywhere. It's also a waste of your very valuable time. Instead of facebook snooping, spend that time reading a motivating weight loss blog, planning out your food for the week, picking a new healthy recipe to try, reading a forum here maybe you don't usually read, etc. Pick some songs that make you feel good and positive, and listen to one as you spend a few minutes centering your thoughts back on yourself and your journey.

You mentioned in your post that "if" you get under 300 pounds... No if! When! So much of weight loss is psychological. Keep your head in the game. :)

Spooky
05-01-2011, 09:13 AM
It seems to me that many of your problems have to do with your self-concept and not with your weight. I have lost weight before and was shocked to find that my problems did not disappear when I was thinner. You will still have to deal with feeling like you are not worthy of love and attention.
My advice to you is to focus on yourself and your present and future. Don't compare yourself to other people on facebook. Don't perseverate on relationships that could have been or ended badly. It might be a good idea for you to seek out some counseling to help you feel better about yourself.
Just an idea.

Chubbykins
05-01-2011, 09:14 AM
Don't let anyone treat you like some second choice friend/lover!
There are people that match every taste. Even without losing weight there are men that absolutely LOVE obese women and men that simply do not care about weight but for companionship.
Do NOT go for the insecure guys that want you just because they think you are "safe goods". If losing weight isn't something you can focus on find a guy that will adore you as his curvy nature goddess.
Again there exist such people. I know some and there are whole sites dedicated to the admiration of curvy women and Only curvy women.
As for friends, my mom is obese and nobody treats her bad because she does not allow it. I have obese and super obese friends and I would not dream to judge them on that (my only concern is for their longevity).
You can't wait to be thin to start treating yourself right.
Do some pounds of fat on your body really make you such an undeserving person? It is just as ridiculous as saying that dark skinned people deserve less than light skinned ones.
:D Be proud girl!

milliondollarbbw
05-01-2011, 11:19 PM
Don't let anyone treat you like some second choice friend/lover!
There are people that match every taste. Even without losing weight there are men that absolutely LOVE obese women and men that simply do not care about weight but for companionship.
Do NOT go for the insecure guys that want you just because they think you are "safe goods". If losing weight isn't something you can focus on find a guy that will adore you as his curvy nature goddess.
Again there exist such people. I know some and there are whole sites dedicated to the admiration of curvy women and Only curvy women.
As for friends, my mom is obese and nobody treats her bad because she does not allow it. I have obese and super obese friends and I would not dream to judge them on that (my only concern is for their longevity).
You can't wait to be thin to start treating yourself right.
Do some pounds of fat on your body really make you such an undeserving person? It is just as ridiculous as saying that dark skinned people deserve less than light skinned ones.
:D Be proud girl!

Thank you so much. ((hugs)). I do agree that my feeling less than has more to do with than just my weight. I do feel my weight impacts me in some areas of my life, and yeah, a lot of men just don't find me attractive (though---I will admit that in the past year, I feel like I have been getting more looks....which baffles me a bit, but, I feel like maybe more people are finding me attractive than before?---but it could also be because I have been taking better care of my appearance), so, if I were a smaller large woman, I might me attractive to more guys. However, I do want to lose weight primarily first for quality of life and health issues and, yes, fashion options. :)

I do realize that where I come from is an issue I am dealing with. I am proud of my family, I have just unfortunately met people that looked down on me cause I did grow up as that dirty, disheveled poor kid, ya know? And yes, I definitely believe in getting therapy. Just have to make some time for it. But, I am going to talk to a professional about feeling better about myself.

fitness4life
05-03-2011, 12:21 PM
So, I have been doing some much needed thinking about myself, my health, my life, things I want to accomplish, etc.

I am making some headway on a project I have been putting off for years and once I complete it, I know I will feel a lot better in terms of not having the weight of having this huge chore that needs to get done.

As for my weight, I will weigh in tomorrow. I am also going to cut out the bread this week and really up my proteins and veggies and fruits. I went crazy at a local market and bought tons of salad stuff that I really like. I also splurged on yet another water bottle (this time a Nalgene bottle without BPA...do you know how many nalgene bottles I have that have bpa, so now, I don't feel comfy using them? Sigh...).

As for my dating life, I admit I have had the desire to contact the meanie. But, I know that wouldn't be good. He never responds in a nice way, or, at least, very rarely. I don't want to have to deal with him being mean or violent, AND, I promised my friend I wouldn't. The large reason I even feel like contacting him is because I feel very hurt at how he judged me. I tried my best to not judge his past, but, obviously, he didn't feel the need to be as accepting. I feel like he made me out to be this complete loser and like I was just this gross and disgusting person. It really hurt. if he were the only guy I had dated that made me feel that way, it probably wouldn't have hurt so much. But, the fact that my ex left me because he didn't want me anymore (even though I gave so much in the relationship, trying to help him), and the fact that the ex before him couldn't even dump me in person, and made me feel like some type of trailer chick, well, it gets me a little bit blue.

I know I have a lot to offer in a relationship. I know that I really give my heart and my all, and I am not a superficial person, I don't cheat, I am down to earth, etc. And yet, it seems like I have a hard time finding people that can appreciate that part of me. I feel like kicking myself cause I met a guy like that maybe 5 years ago, and he really did like me, but we couldn't even hold a conversation on the phone for 30 minutes. He irked the heck out of me, cause he seemed very unreal, and, there wasn't much attraction. Now, of course, he has a kid and is married and I feel stupid because if I had hooked up with him, I could be the woman living in a nice home with a good guy.

As for facebook, well, it can be depressing when you see people from long ago and how their lives turned out like you thought they would. When I was growing up, we were so very, very, very poor. And, I was only one of a few people of color in my class. Because we were so poor and stuff that was going on in my home, I often came to school dirty, disheveled. I remember how I used to beg people for whatever part of their school lunch that they didn't eat (I ate a lot to deal with the stress at home and because I couldn't tell anyone all of the bad things that were going on---food really did become my friend).

There was this girl in my class who was tall and thin and nice and a dancer. All of the girls wanted to be like her. She was very nice and sweet and popular without hardly any effort. Also, the guy I liked had a crush on her, and of course, she didn't like him. I always figured her life would turn out great. Of course, when I saw her on facebook and found out that no, she hadn't gained weight, but that instead she had married a very successful all-american guy and had tons of kids and a house and seemed very together and had tons of friends, well, it did make me feel kind of blue for a few days. I guess, I felt in my sad times that she was perfect and would have this perfect life, and I wasn't sure I would get that type of life as well. To see her that way, just made me worry more about where someone like me fits into the big scheme of things, ya know?

I also found on facebook my first "almost" relationships. Namely, when I was in junior high, I had a few guys approach me and ask to be in a relationship with me. But, they wanted to be with me only on the condition that I keep it a secret and not tell anyone. I think that type of beginning into the world of "dating", negatively affected my self esteem.

So, right now I am just trying to focus on being happy and achieving the things that I want in life. I so desperately need to get below 300lbs....I know that if I get below that weight, it will be a good boost to my self-esteem and a good push towards continuing with my weightloss goals.

Thanks to everyone who has allowed me to ramble and vent and express myself. I so deeply appreciate the advice and knowledge that you all have given to me.

FB, IMO, should be called FaceValue. All that is posted there can only be taken at face value. Had you seen my facebook years ago, you would have seen the large home, beautiful suburb, wealthy husband and four beautiful children. You wouldn't have seen the domestic abuse, the ADHD child, and me sneaking in a glass of wine just before the controlling A-whole came home. Please don't let someone else who portrays themselves in a great light get you down. We all have our problems. We all put our best face forward.

YOU know your value. Never let that go. Love yourself and NEVER give yourself to someone who doesn't love you even more than that.

MiZTaCCen
05-03-2011, 01:13 PM
Theres this quote that has stuck to me since the moment I read it.

"The relationships we have with other people, are mirrors of the relationship we have with ourselves." Jillian Michaels.

It's true in a way, I continue to date these dip**** losers, who only care about themselves and no one else, who put no effort into anyone including me or they are flat out *******s who treat me like ****. So I did some "soul" searching I guess you can say and I've realized that the reason why I continue to let these dip ****s in my life is because I do infact treat myself like ****. Low self-esteem, no self worth or self respect and sometimes if not most of the time no confidence. Don't get me wrong this isn't something that I can fix over night it may even take years upon years. But when I finally figured it out and stopped wanting to be the girl who continues to date these *******s because of my "fear" of whatever it is I'm fearing? Maybe being alone, never getting married, who the **** knows but I kicked their asses to the curb. I saw red flags in the guy from the beginning but continued to keep him around until I got sick of it that night and said screw it I'm done with men like this.

As for facebook, Facebook sucks I only go on it to play the dumb games. I have people on my FB and hardly anyone comments, or says anything on my status it's pretty much just some mumble jumbo popularity contests so I pretty much just keep family, some friends and thats it. I don't have over 300 people on it, I don't have even over 100 I don't care to because if you don't matter in my life now and you have no connection with me, theres no point in having you on it. It's that simple. Plus a lot less drama.

Start finding yourself, and leave the lack of as$holes behind and anyone who doesn't treat you right. I figured I just do it for the drama but at the same time who the **** really needs all that drama, heartache whatever. Right? Right!