General chatter - It worked on Maury and Ricki Lake, but does it work in real life? WWYD?




milliondollarbbw
04-29-2011, 03:04 AM
So, raise your hand if you have ever seen an episode of either Maury or Ricki Lake where the main guest used to be overweight in high school, and has now lost a ton of weight, and wants to confront a former crush or bully, etc.. Often, the bully is sad about how they treated the main guest, and they usually apologize.

Sometimes, however, the main guest gets dissed by the other guest in that the former crush, bully, etc., will say that hardly remember the person, or, that they don't notice much of a change, aren't really interested to begin with, etc.

What would you do? If you had a chance to let a person who once put you down (for whatever reason) know that you are better than they stated, etc., would do tell them? If you knew a person and they made fat jokes, and you had lost weight, would you send them a pic to let them know they were wrong about how they treated you?

I do understand that most people would say that if someone was judgmental or put you down, that you don't need to waste any energy by letting them know of your improvements. But, have you ever let the person know that what they said or thought was wrong? Have you ever rocked the cute red high heels, or kissed the new beau in front of that person, just because of how jerk-like they had been?


Nola Celeste
04-29-2011, 04:43 AM
If someone hurts my feelings, I tend to let them know about it right then and there. If it's a friend who inadvertently said something boneheaded, I'll wince and say "Ow, that stung!" but if it's someone who was truly awful to me intentionally, well...let's just say I give at least as good as I get. :D

Are you talking more about a former-crush-who-wasn't-interested type of thing, though? Something in which there wasn't an intent to harm or even an inadvertent slam, just a lack of interest or curiosity? If so, I would NEVER open myself up for a second round of "meh, you're just not that interesting" by initiating contact with him again. I'd rather be boiled in pitch and dunked in sand. I don't think there's anything more mortifying than trying to impress and failing, so I sure wouldn't do it twice for the same person.

I find that it's a good idea to ask yourself how you'd feel on the receiving end of a random e-mail full of pictures of someone's new self. Would you suddenly be receptive to a relationship with that person? Would you eat your heart out because you could've had this celestial specimen, but gave him/her the brush-off? Would you be full of envy and bitterness?

I'm betting you wouldn't. You'd more likely think, "Hunh, that's quite a change. Good for him/her." And then you'd close the e-mail and go on about your business. It just wouldn't make that much of an impact, I'd think. That person is no longer in your life, for good or for ill, so why would it be important how he/she looked now?

It's not worth the risk of allowing someone who already hurt you once to wound you twice with his indifference or scorn. There's nothing good to be gained from it 99% of the time. If someone's said mean things about you, they don't like you--and they won't like you more if you lose weight or wear cute shoes or marry or win the lottery.

Jerks are jerks. There's no need to put yourself in proximity to them even if it's to show them how well you're doing without them.

ERHR
04-29-2011, 05:24 AM
No. I leave the past in the past.


joyfulloser
04-29-2011, 08:13 AM
I find that personality traits (negative or positive) usually follow a person right into adulthood and further into old age! In other words...chances are, the same personality flaw that made the person be "mean" to you while you were overweight, will be the same flaw that makes them do it after you loose the weight, etc.:)

That's not to say people can't change...but sadly....many don't.:(

4star
04-29-2011, 08:25 AM
There is absolutely no way I'd give someone who hurt me the power to judge my accomplishments. Some people do have a lot of hatefulness in their hearts and they might never see anything good about anyone.

IMO Living well is the best revenge!:D

nelie
04-29-2011, 08:54 AM
The past should be left in the past.

Amberelise
04-29-2011, 11:29 AM
I don't think you have to do anything. It will get back to them, don't you think?

I went back home a few years ago and was invited to a holiday party. I got asked out by three different guys from my class that night. NOT A SINGLE ONE ever even noticed me in high school. In fact, one of them said to my good friend, "Gee, Amber has actually become very pretty," to which he responded "She always has been, you just never noticed." I can't lie, it felt really, really good to get that attention - and to turn them all down.

At the same time, though, the girls that were horrible to me back then I don't even bother with. What's the point? I would be no better now than they were then, and I'd like to think I've matured. But, I won't lie, I get a good bit of schadenfreude out of checking them out on facebook.

MiZTaCCen
04-29-2011, 11:30 AM
I had two bullies who were my "best" friends are one point in middle school who bullied me and turned a lot of people against me. I got beat up, spit on, writing on walls, called a boy, a lesbian and every name in the book you can imagine, people hated me for no reason a whole year I had to deal with this and half of the time I feared going to school. But would I want to confront them now on it? No, you want to know why? Because in the end once I hit high school and from then on no one ever bullied me again because I stood up for myself and I learned to stand up for other people who were bullied or the under dog. A lot of my life I was angry and hated people and I blamed those two when in reality I think it helpped me alot. Sure they hurt me, sure that year was **** on earth and everything I felt in side of me was destroying me every day for most of my teenage years but looking back at it now. I don't think I would have been the strong person I am today if I had not gone through what they put me through. I wouldn't thank them, but I wouldn't expect an apology either because we were young and I'm sure they're lives are amazing and whatever now but as Nelie said, the past should stay in the past. I think it'd look pretty pathetic of me to call upon those two and be like you hurt me and destroyed most of my teenage years because I was one angry little b!tch but in reality after that year ended I made the choice to stay angry. I didn't know any better, stop holding on to what someone else did to you, learn to forgive and then you will be able to move on with life. IF you hold on to that hurt and anger forever it's just going to hurt you more, not anyone else.

Expunge
04-29-2011, 12:22 PM
Why would you need to prove you're thin to make them wrong? They're already wrong for treating ANYONE that way - fat, thin, losing weight or gaining weight. By saying "aha! I'm thin now", you're just validating that they were right in calling you fat and making fun of you for being overweight. Putting people down is wrong because it's a crappy thing to do to someone else, not because they might really get thin eventually.

fiddler
04-29-2011, 02:38 PM
Why would you need to prove you're thin to make them wrong? They're already wrong for treating ANYONE that way - fat, thin, losing weight or gaining weight. By saying "aha! I'm thin now", you're just validating that they were right in calling you fat and making fun of you for being overweight. Putting people down is wrong because it's a crappy thing to do to someone else, not because they might really get thin eventually.

Expunge made exactly the point I wanted to make--That by crawling back to them now that you are thin, you are proving you agree that you weren't worth having when you were overweight.

Nola Celeste
04-30-2011, 08:04 AM
Such a good point you made, Expunge--they were already wrong for treating you that way. You've nothing to prove to someone who's already proven himself a swine.

fatferretfanatic
04-30-2011, 10:42 AM
If someone didn't like me for something as arbitrary as my weight, I'm not interested in making them my friend after I lose it. I have a great life, great friends, and a great hubby. What would make that better is having a great body too, but that's for me-past is past.

FrouFrou
04-30-2011, 01:47 PM
I wouldn't do anything...the past is the past and who gives a rats arse what someone else thinks?! You have nothing to prove to anyone but yourself!

kaplods
04-30-2011, 05:19 PM
Revenge is always much better in fantasy than reality, because in your head, you control the enemy's reaction as well as you're own. You imagine the enemy humbled, ashamed, apologetic, contrite or maybe deeply jealous.

In real life, people's reactions are messy. There's a good chance that an inconsiderate jerk will still be an inconsiderate jerk, so you'll have no satisfaction. You can't successfully "show them" if they don't get it.

Even if they're really sorry, the fantasy doesn't prepare you for what's next? Are you supposed to be friends with the enemy now? Are you supposed to keep nursing the hurt and pain? Are you prepared for any reaction from apology to more insults (laughing at you for still holding a grudge this long or maybe saying "I'm really sorry I treated you so bad when we were in school. My life was really messed up then and I took it out on anyone I could. My mother was dying of cancer, and my father beat us, and spent the grocery money on booze and drugs...)


What do you expect from the confrontation, and how will you feel if you get it (or if you get the complete opposite).


The biggest problem with revenge fantasies, is that they turn over too much power to the enemy. They've "won" because to be in your fanatsy, means they're still in your thoughts. And if you actually enact the fantasy in real-life, they win again because they have their own reaction, not the one you planned out for them in your head.

It also shows you've given away far too much power. Because if you really were as successful as you want to "show them" that you are, you wouldn't care about their reaction. If you really were successful, you wouldn't give them a second thought, and if you did think of them it would be with pity or contempt. That you even seek either their approval or their apology sends the message (not only to them, but more importantly to you) that on some level you care and respect what they think (you're giving them more power over you).

Keep the power for yourself. Don't give it back to them, not even for an instant. If you can't give up the revenge fantasy, keep it a fantasy, don't bring it into the real world. I can almost guarantee it won't turn out as you'd hoped - and even if it does, you won't feel vindicated or satisfied, at best you'll feel "Now what?"

AZ Sunrises
04-30-2011, 06:14 PM
What would you do? If you had a chance to let a person who once put you down (for whatever reason) know that you are better than they stated, etc., would do tell them? If you knew a person and they made fat jokes, and you had lost weight, would you send them a pic to let them know they were wrong about how they treated you?

I cut contact with a gentleman who told me he'd never get serious about me because of being overweight. (Paraphrased, but that's the gist.) I've since reopened communication with him and we chat every few months because, that aside, he is genuinely a great person.

I don't want a confrontation of any kind. I have no desire to do that. Frankly, I find it classless. I also find pointing out how horribly someone treated me in the distant past and mentioning "I bet you wish you'd done things differently" to be equally as gauche.

That said, I do plan to be several pounds thinner this fall, and I'm going to get away for a long weekend in CA. :) Dependent upon how much smaller I am by then, I'm not opposed to asking him to join me for dinner. No drama. No nastiness.

"Thank you for noticing" at dinner and a subject change will be so much more satisfying than sending an email saying "look at me now".

Okay, I'll probably invite him to meet me for dinner anyway, but "Thanks for noticing" would be a cool sidebar conversation.