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happiness
04-28-2011, 09:30 PM
You guys,

I feel so sad. :( I was just over at my boyfriends house when he went through his emails with me. He wanted to show me some funny fraud emails (people trying to get money via western union).

Anyway, I saw a folder that he made for a dating site. I asked him what it was. He said that he signed up years ago before we even met. However, I noticed that two of the emails had yesterday's date on it.

He accused me of receiving emails myself on Plenty of Fish (another dating site). I told him that I haven't logged in, in months. My profile even says that i have met the man of my dreams and POF does work and good luck with everybody out there.

We officially started dating on 11th December 2010.

He said that he only received messages and that it wasn't cheating, even though he updated his details yesterday. I asked him to see the emails. He then told me that he did reply, but it didn't mean anything. He was reluctant but then show me. I think he forgot that it was that flirtageous. In the email he flirts and tell the lady which sent him a message that she doesn't live far, and that he can jog over to meet her. The email was longer than this message and it was just flirt flirt flirt...

I was so shocked when I read that. I grabbed my handbag and through the tears I found my way to my car and drove home.

He didn't follow me. Just down the stairs in his house, but not past the door.

I deleted him from my Facebook, my skype and then i deleted his phone number.

Oh please help. Has this ever happened to you? Please share. How did you get through this. It hurts so much! But at the same time I am so angry when I think of the words he wrote.

:(


CrystalZ10
04-28-2011, 09:38 PM
You poor thing! I'm glad you found out now. He probably would have strung you along for months without telling you a thing!
Its gonna hurt and you just need to cry and grieve over this loss. Do you have any friends you can seek out right now?

JohnP
04-28-2011, 09:46 PM
First you have to stop thinking about it. Your brain doesn't know what is real and what is imagined. Give yourself a time limit per day that you will allow yourself to think about it and stick with that.

Second, get back in the dating saddle.


krampus
04-28-2011, 09:52 PM
For what it's worth, I still update my OKCupid profile from time to time and read messages despite having been in a monogamous relationship for 4 1/2 years. I'm not wired for monogamy and I have a history of compulsive cheating on past exes so this is a big improvement for me. Sometimes e-flirting satisfies that little "play the field" urge and is harmless. But in your case it sounds like he was looking for more. :(

What JohnP said. Have a cry in the shower, seek out girlfriends for immediate emotional support, try as best you can not to stay focused on it because thinking about it all the time won't fix a damn thing.

msbabygurl313
04-28-2011, 09:57 PM
I'm sorry to hear that hun!!! Keep your head up!!!! Some guys can be such buttholes....but I'm sure you are a diva!!! just keep up with your weight loss and move on to the next one!!!!

hatgirlie
04-28-2011, 09:58 PM
Good riddance to bad rubbish! Keep walking and don't look back. I've been with lying cheaters most of my life. Generally speaking, they don't change. I'm married to a chronic habitual pathological liar/cheater...over thirty years...a waste of my life...wish I got out at the beginning. Now I just feel stuck. I guess I'm no one to be giving advise on this topic because I've done nothing but make a zillion mistakes. I just don't want you to end up where I am now. NEVER stay with a lying cheat. It's not worth staying with anyone who you can't trust. Keep walking, Hon. Don't stop until you find your Prince. I'm stuck with a real toad.

happiness
04-28-2011, 10:04 PM
Thank you CrystalZ for your support. When I got into my car I cried as hard as I could. I don't know many people here, but will call a friend tomorrow.

I tried to call him when I got home (I live 45min away from him) because I wanted to know why. I also wanted to ask him if he still doesn't consider it cheating. He said that receiving messages are not cheating, but that was before he admitted sending any.

He didn't answer his phone but sent me a text message saying that i will never hear his voice again and asking why I want to talk to a 'unfaithful *******'. He then said that I should be happy, being far away from him.

It hurst me even more that he doesn't try to make this right. :( If he came to me saying that it was a mistake, I think I would have felt better. But his attitude of 'stay away, I am the *******' is not helping. It is as if he is trying to play the victim. :(

I am so sad. How could he. :(

happiness
04-28-2011, 10:07 PM
Thank you Hatgirl. I needed to hear that so much. Thank you.

krampus
04-28-2011, 10:08 PM
He sounds like a coward - a man-baby and not a real man. You don't need such people in your life - a real man would stand up, admit fault, and not act like a passive aggressive 13 year old.

It hurts and it sucks that you won't get the answers, but him telling you not to talk to him again is a pretty telltale sign that he's a waste of oxygen and an unnecessary (soon to be ex-) part of your life.

happiness
04-28-2011, 10:12 PM
Thank you krampus. Thank you.

sacha
04-28-2011, 10:14 PM
I won't lie, you will probably never get over it, the betrayal. It's awful to feel 'duped' and it's not forgettable.

Since you started dating him about what, 4-5 months ago? Unfortunately it's around that time that you go from honeymoon phase to seeing the real person, and it's clear that he's just not a good person. No actual empathy even though he knows he's a jerk. A serial cheat. Distract, distract, no contact, make plans with girl friends.

badassey
04-28-2011, 10:18 PM
It sounds like he's playing passive-aggressive (one of the deadliest games in dating).

He sent messages to people he should not have been sending messages to. You (being the smart girl you are) left. And now he's making YOU feel bad? Yuck. That has passive aggressive written all over it. You do not have to apologize. He messed up. You should not feel bad. In my long line of bad/abusive/passive aggressive relationships... if a man does not follow you when you leave... it means he does not want to follow you - period. I don't want to seem harsh but I just do not want you to feel bad about sticking up for yourself. You are amazing. And wonderful. You deserve better.

He is a jerk for making you feel bad after what he did. If he accused you of sending emails to other men he obviously felt like it was wrong... what gives him the right to do it, then? And then to say something like "you'll never hear my voice again because I'm an unfaithful a#*hole" - He's punishing you for his screw up? He is incredibly passive aggressive.

I am so sorry that happened. But just be happy you learned now who he is and what he's all about now instead of years down the road. Get away from him. He seems yucky. You're amazing and you deserve so much better! :hug:

DrivenByAmbition
04-28-2011, 10:20 PM
I found messages an ex was receiving from one of his exes... Needless to say we didn't last long and both started dating other people a few years later.

Guess who's married and guess who's not? ;) Just don't give up, you never know when you will run into the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with.

Dorian5
04-28-2011, 10:27 PM
Definitely passive aggressive -- and NOT worth it! There are nice guys out there and you DESERVE one!

If I was you, I wouldn't make another move to contact him. Quit him COLD TURKEY and go buy yourself something really awesome to wear, or perfume, or jewelry.

When I get rid of crappy guys I have the habit of dying my hair another color or chopping it off. :yes:

You are -wonderful- and he sucks, and you just need to surround yourself with people who will tell you how wonderful you are in case you start to doubt it! :hug:

DrivenByAmbition
04-28-2011, 10:36 PM
When I get rid of crappy guys I have the habit of dying my hair another color or chopping it off. :yes:



That's what I did as well... Sometimes you just need something new.

ilidawn
04-28-2011, 11:00 PM
I'm so sorry to hear he did that to you and it's just horrible that he tried to turn it on you! UGHHH!! I've dealt with the bs being turned on me so much (I even got blamed for being abused that if I wouldn't bring up him walking off on me so often for his ex he wouldn't have gotten mad and I wouldn't have gotten my mom's keepsakes broken and I wouldn't have gotten beaten...)

My most recent ex boyfriend also cheated on me so I know your pain. All night his ex barged in and was feeling him up right in front of me, then she said "I'm sooo tired, I'm taking your bed" and since I had to go to work he FOLLOWED her into the bed! Then he had the nerve to say "it was for warmth" when I felt his dick and it was still wet from her! ugh sorry for being graphic but some guys are just complete jerks and aren't worth it. They'll always be jerks and sleezebags but we're better than that and deserve someone who treats us right....end of my rant lol sorry I saw him by chance earlier today so he's on my nerves and I'm trying my hardest to not end up binging.

Big hugs! You aren't alone hun. Just remember we're awesomer than that lol :)

DreamAngelsHeavenly
04-28-2011, 11:08 PM
Definitely passive aggressive -- and NOT worth it! There are nice guys out there and you DESERVE one!

If I was you, I wouldn't make another move to contact him. Quit him COLD TURKEY and go buy yourself something really awesome to wear, or perfume, or jewelry.

Agree!!!

Sometimes these things happen and we don't know why... And sometimes we will never really know why-- but is there an excuse, really?? It is not because of a flaw you have -- it is he who is flawed. It doesn't matter what the reason or excuse is. He is a jerk. Please never speak to him again. Once a lying (cheating) a**hole, always a lying (cheating) a**hole- they DO NOT change, you CAN NOT help them. You deserve better. :hug:


I know because I was with the king liar of all jerks (loooong story) and wasted three years of my life (some people waste longer). I was broken after this relationship, :cry: the depression of it had a large part to do with my weight gain... Another story... And I was done and didn't think I could love or trust anyone again- and then I found the most amazing, brilliant guy when I wasn't even looking and he is perfect for me in every single way. :cloud9: Sometimes you have to go through the bad to appreciate the good when it comes to you. It sucks. :kickcan: But it makes us stronger. :lifter:

CrystalZ10
04-28-2011, 11:09 PM
Heck yeah! Color your hair or get some highlights and treat yourself to a spa day!

JohnP
04-29-2011, 12:17 AM
When you're cheated on it's natural to ask WHY. The answer is always the same. They lack integrity.

It doesn't matter if you weren't perfect. It doesn't matter if you weren't satisfying his ______ needs. (Fill in the blank)

If you're in a committed monogomous relationship you don't cheat. THE END.

On the bright side you weren't married and there are no kids.

4star
04-29-2011, 07:20 AM
I agree with everyone. This guy is not worth your time. You are much better off. Cut ties with him and never look back. It will save you a lot of time and misery. No relationship is better than a bad relationship! :hug:

DrivenByAmbition
04-29-2011, 08:18 AM
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong -doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up or out

and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway); and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant. Thank you for being a part of my life

~Quote from Brian Andrew Chalker website here (http://www.homebiztools.com/prayer.htm).

MiZTaCCen
04-29-2011, 09:45 AM
Personally if you are in a relationship with someone I would expect the internet profile dating site to come down that simple.

If I keep my dating site up even if I have my profile hidden in my eyes I'm not looking for this "relationship" to last and I'm out there seeking "better" opportunity. When I met someone and we become an item and are officially together I would expect full out deletion of his online profile and as well he can expect it from me. Don't be too sad over it, he clearly was a loser and there are a LOT of them out there. Just go back out there and start fishing all over again.

Read it's called a breakup because it's broken. It's a really good book and it will more then likely help you through this.

LisaP916
04-29-2011, 09:57 AM
As hard as this will be to hear, it sounds like he WANTED you to see the emails. Why else would he be showing you his email account? If he upset you enough, you would walk out and break up with him so he doesn't have to take responsibility for being unhappy and breaking up with you.

By responding to you that you'll never hear his voice again and you shouldn't want to talk to him, he's kind of confirmed that.

Chalk it up to life lesson learned, cry for a little while, then move on. It's really all you can do.

MiZTaCCen
04-29-2011, 10:03 AM
As hard as this will be to hear, it sounds like he WANTED you to see the emails. Why else would he be showing you his email account? If he upset you enough, you would walk out and break up with him so he doesn't have to take responsibility for being unhappy and breaking up with you.



I was thinking that and a lot of guys are like that out there. They don't want to come across as the ******* and for some reason they don't have enough balls to do the breaking up, so they do stupid things like what he did. Or continue to pick little fights all the time until you get fed up and say it's not worth it and you break up with them.

Beck
04-29-2011, 10:26 AM
When you're cheated on it's natural to ask WHY. The answer is always the same. They lack integrity.

It doesn't matter if you weren't perfect. It doesn't matter if you weren't satisfying his ______ needs. (Fill in the blank)

If you're in a committed monogomous relationship you don't cheat. THE END.

On the bright side you weren't married and there are no kids.

This. Exactly.

Cut him loose, and don't look back. I've had this happen (while married +6), and it's not easy. I'm sorry that it happened to you. :hug:

Chubbykins
04-29-2011, 11:56 AM
Best medicine for a bad man is a better man :D Same applies to women I suppose.
Get someone new!

marie81
04-29-2011, 12:08 PM
how awful, but i have to ask did he actually meet some one or was he just looking on sites?
Good for you for kicking him to the curb though shows your strong, go get your self a better man

shannonmb
04-29-2011, 01:00 PM
I'm so sorry you are going through this! Sounds like this may have been the first time something like this has happened to you. And it can be a real shock!

Like here you are, a normal person brought up with normal values. If you care about someone and commit to a relationship, then you wish to honor that and treat the person with dignity and respect. And not do weird, lying, deceitful, NOT innocent things. NORMAL!

I remember when I was about 20 years old, I had a boyfriend who did some similar stuff to what you are posting about. I just absolutely could not even BELEIVE it, as we (in my mind) were really enjoying each other and the relationship. It shocked the s^*& out of me that there are these really broken, manipulative, screw-loose, self-destructive, plain old douche bag people walking around who cannot have a normal loving relationship -- and instead of keeping to their own kind and leaving us NORMAL people alone, they try to prey on us to suck some of our light into their abysmal existences.

Yep, unfortunately they are out there in mass quanitites. Best thing you can do is learn from this, understand that people will only treat you as crappily as you allow, and keep on searching, because there are plenty of people with NORMAL values out there, too! A man you don't have to constantly watch your back with. Which you deserve! ;)

AZ Sunrises
04-30-2011, 05:30 PM
Good for you for leaving. Never look back. You can do better than someone who is willing to behave like that.

phillygirl2011
04-30-2011, 09:47 PM
You've gotten some good advice on this thread. How are you these days?

Sonjae
04-30-2011, 10:29 PM
I was thinking the same thing as some of the other posts about him wanting you to see it so he doesn't have to break up with you and unfortunatly there are many out there who will do something really bad so that you walk out, but I think they also do it because they don't love themselves and they have to have others see them the same way. I have had the great misfortune of being with many men who were cheating lying *******s and it is very hard and some how shocking everytime. (you would think the shock would stop but a good person still can't fathom doing what a bad person does)

Moving on can be really hard! It will be one of those things that just clicks. You will look back and go "what the heck was I thinking...why was I so up set. He wasn't that great! Was I on something?" (at least it was that way for me) After being upset for so long one day I just said wow why was I upset.
Then one day when you least expect it you will meet a great man that will treat you right. Things wont be perfect (they never are) but it will all be worth it and you will laugh at the past.
Just keep your head up because
This to shall pass :)

doopdoop
05-01-2011, 11:29 AM
I know it sounds cut and dry, but just think of it this way: He was clearly not the right one for you, and now that you are rid of him, you are able to actually meet a man that will fit correctly into your life.

happiness
05-01-2011, 02:32 PM
Thank you so much for everybody that posted.

Your kind words helped me so much.

I still feel so sad and empty inside. I wonder around my house and I just want to sleep. :(

My brain has told me that he is not the one for me. That I deserve better, but my heart still hurt so much.

The worst thing is that he has tried to turn the tables. He has changed his relationship status to 'Widowed' on his Facebook profile and told me that I have been sending messages on Facebook to people all along. This is not true. :( I don't know a more faithful person than myself. We sent each other some emails after and had one telephone conversation - All this happened on Friday.

I have now cut all contact and try to forget about him. But it still hurts so much and I am so angry with him.

He started to accuse me of cheating and that I flirt with colleagues in Friday's email / call. I don't even know where this has come from. He has never ever mentioned this at all during the relationship. It is not true. :(

I know that it should not bother me, but I know that he probably received lots of messages on FB regarding his status change (I am no longer his FB friend and can't see his wall) and they all will see him as the victim. As we don't have any FB friends in common, nobody will ever know the truth. He is playing the victim and everybody will believe him. :(

Another thing that hurst me so much is that only 4 days after this has happened, he updated his Plenty of Fish profile and is looking for 'Long term'. He also is looking for a girl that loves 'looking at the stars with your arm around your loved one'. I took him out on a date a week or two ago. We went to the park at night and looked at the stars with our arms around each other. He said that he hasn't done that ever. Now it is on his profile. :(

How could he do this. :(

What hurts the most is that he isn't hurt by this. He doesn't miss me. He is just going on with his life and is flirting online as we speak and probably arranging dates.

I wish he could feel the hurt that I am feeling. :( I don't think that we were meant to be together and everything wasn't going that great. But the betrayal hurts so much. Why didn't he just left me (or why, oh why, didn't I leave him!).

I wish that we had a lot of friends in common, so that somebody out there can tell him that he is wrong! But as we only met 4 or 5 months ago, and we met online, we don't have many friends in common. He met my friends and I met his friends, but his friends were not my friends yet.

I wish I can give you ladies his Plenty of Fish profile name to go do a bashing... but I also know that, that is the anger inside me talking. I know that I will regret such a thing later.

Oh, the pain, please go away.

:(

BerkshireGrl
05-01-2011, 03:08 PM
I'm so sorry you're miserable about his behavior. But he just revealed himself to be more of a thoughtless jerk. In time, your sadness will turn to just anger then gladness that you aren't with him anymore. You've done the right thing in cutting contact with him. Try not to let how he spins the break-up bother you, it's not the truth, he's a liar and not worth your grief.

Hold your head up, get busy with friends and activities... heck, I'd even try cleaning to feel better... anything to get your mind off him and his rotten behavior. Most of us get duped at some point; I know I have. But your kindness and trust will be a gift to someone with integrity, who is out there for you.

MiZTaCCen
05-02-2011, 08:22 AM
Some men are spiteful they'll do anything to make sure they hurt you in the process. Who cares if he makes himself look like the victim you and him both know he's pathetic. He's an insecure asshat who needs to bring you down so he can feel better. He'll play the blame game on you because he knows he was the one in the wrong doing the cheating. It's what men like him do. Don't bother looking at his POF profile, just get off of POF and for a while and allow yourself to heal. No other man is going to want to put up with your baggage you have with your ex. Woman need time to heal and move on with their lives.

Robsia
05-02-2011, 08:49 AM
Whether it's technically cheating or not, it is still unacceptable behaviour. My dh and I met on POF and we both deleted our profiles within about two weeks of our first real life meeting. We both knew we didn't need to look any more. If I had found out that he was still flirting with other women online I would take it as meaning he wasn't serious about me and was keeping me going while looking for something better.

When I was online dating, I considered it perfectly acceptable to email more than one person, to MSN more than one person, even to arrange first dates with more than one person - my dh and I BOTH had dates with other people in between our first email and our first meeting. Mine had an IQ of two digits and was obsessed with his motorbike, and his unfortunately looked like a horse and also had an IQ of two digits.

But there comes a point when you consider yourself to be properly dating and from that point onwards, it is not right to consider romantic interest, which includes emailing, messaging and flirting, with another person.

Thighs Be Gone
05-02-2011, 09:35 AM
The greatest gift you can give yourself in this situation is to believe who he is the FIRST time he shows you. A tiger rarely changes his stripes. This has nothing to do with you--it is everything to do with him.

Thighs Be Gone
05-02-2011, 09:36 AM
Oh, and I hope I am not stepping over the line here but if you have been intimate I would be in my doctor's office ASAP!!!!

MrsMomOrtiz
05-02-2011, 09:53 AM
It's good you got out of their immediately, instead of giving him time to give you excuses. I go through this same thing with my husband almost yearly. Last year it was worse when I discovered one of his receptionists was sending him nude photos on a secret email account he created (he left it logged in when I went to log in to mine on his laptop). I was horrified and heart broken. It's easier when you're single and children aren't involved. You did right by leaving him. My advice, don't go back. It's likely to happen over and over and over again. No matter how 'casual' he or others may make it sounds. The morals are still the same, right and wrong don't change. It's sad how common this issue has become in relationships. I wish you the best in your next dating ventures. God bless.

Txalupa
05-02-2011, 04:34 PM
When you're cheated on it's natural to ask WHY. The answer is always the same. They lack integrity.

It doesn't matter if you weren't perfect. It doesn't matter if you weren't satisfying his ______ needs. (Fill in the blank)

If you're in a committed monogomous relationship you don't cheat. THE END.

On the bright side you weren't married and there are no kids.

THIS!!!!

He was not 'The One'

'The One' would never be such a creep. Move along, it's hard, but you already did the right thing for running out on him and not listening to any lame excuses and deleting communication lines.

Txalupa
05-02-2011, 04:36 PM
Oh, and I hope I am not stepping over the line here but if you have been intimate I would be in my doctor's office ASAP!!!!

Oh yeah, this too.

Beck
05-02-2011, 04:52 PM
The best revenge is to move on and live well!

I know the hurt you're feeling, and it's completely normal to mourn the relationship that you've lost, but don't get so down that it brings you to your knees.

Wishing you healing and happiness!

Ciao
05-02-2011, 11:30 PM
http://i845.photobucket.com/albums/ab15/JeMappelleSierra/Pictures/clipart2-1.png

I hope things get better for you. <3

http://i845.photobucket.com/albums/ab15/JeMappelleSierra/Pictures/clipart2.png

Kaonashi
05-03-2011, 01:57 AM
The worst thing is that he has tried to turn the tables. He has changed his relationship status to 'Widowed' on his Facebook profile and told me that I have been sending messages on Facebook to people all along. This is not true. I don't know a more faithful person than myself. We sent each other some emails after and had one telephone conversation - All this happened on Friday.

It's a common ploy for cheaters to accuse the other person of doing what they are doing. This man is toxic. Instead of being sad, be happy that you found out now (rather than years down the line) what he is and didn't waste your time on him. Judging by your comment it sounds like this isn't his first time at this particular rodeo, and his next victim will probably be treated the same way.

Munchy
05-03-2011, 01:27 PM
Psychologist, Joseph M. Carver, Ph.D., wrote the best article on guys like this:

http://www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

luckymommy
05-03-2011, 04:12 PM
I feel sorry for the next woman who lets this guy into her life. He's looking for a lifelong victim. Any person who stoops as low as this guy is NOT relationship material...or any material at all.

The pain you have is more about you and your lack of control. The second you see his true personality, your brain knows you should have nothing to do with this guy. However, this rejection has sent you over the edge. Was there another time in your life when you felt this type of rejection? Perhaps by a parent? I'm not saying this is the case, but sometimes it can happen and then we invite these types of people who will reject us into our lives so that we can relive what we know and also so that we can have a chance to get our parents (and boyfriends) love us back and accept us.

If this has never happened to you, then you just have a bruised ego. Time will heal. You're not the first person to go through this type of a situation. Unfortunately, it's all too common and it can really shake your world when someone that you've trusted implicitly turns on you so dramatically.

Like was suggested before, try to do something for you. Give yourself time to heal but don't let yourself wallow in misery endlessly. Allow a good cry and move on as often as possible. Make a list of all the things you look for in your dream man and see if this jerk was any of those things....I seriously doubt it. He put on a facade. Some men (like Scott Peterson, for example) put on such a show to such an extent that it actually ends up deadly or with some sort of violence.

Consider yourself lucky to find out the truth about him in this way. You are so much better than what he has offered you. Ask yourself what you've learned from this experience. If you take it as a chance to learn and grow, then you will feel empowered! Forget about all his lies...they are like a cancer and the more you think about them or are exposed to them, the sicker it will make you. Go and work out and lift some heavy weights! Treat yourself like the wonderful woman that you are!!!

rockbanjo
05-05-2011, 01:32 PM
I know a guy exactly like that.
He just so happens to be my ex-boyfriend...
He went to Alaska to be a fishing guide, didn't contact me for a month BUT put up fake engagment pictures on facebook. Uh, really? Just break up with me so I could move on(I had no idea anything was wrong in the relationship).
I immediately changed my status to single and deleted his phone number.
But within 10 mins of me changing my status he sends me a message trying to make me fell like the jerk.
Yeah...
Boys are fools sometimes.
But give it time and you will find the one who treats you right!!
A couple months later the love of my life came and I couldn't be happier.
GOOD LUCK!!

4star
05-05-2011, 02:05 PM
It's a common ploy for cheaters to accuse the other person of doing what they are doing. This man is toxic. Instead of being sad, be happy that you found out now (rather than years down the line) what he is and didn't waste your time on him. Judging by your comment it sounds like this isn't his first time at this particular rodeo, and his next victim will probably be treated the same way.

Yep. And not only did he physically abuse you with the cheating but now he's going for the emotional abuse. Do yourself a favor and forget he ever existed. He is so not worth your time. Nothing there for you but heartbreak.

Hyacinth
05-05-2011, 02:08 PM
His lack of remorse says it all. He sounds like a master manipulator, perpetual victim, and an all-around toxic person.

You deserve better. I know it hurts like ****, but listen to your brain. Your body and emotions will eventually follow. It takes time to process loss, but it will get better.

Thank your lucky stars this happened early on, and not after living together, being married, or having children.

Oh, and 4star is spot on - forget he ever existed. You will look back one day and say, "WHAT was I thinking??!" Trust me - I have a whole spreadsheet of what-was-I-thinking ex-boyfriends and potential romantic partners. The list ends with my current boyfriend, and in the "Glaring Faults" column, I have a comment that says "Nothing ???" :)

Gale02
05-05-2011, 03:52 PM
I have a whole spreadsheet of what-was-I-thinking ex-boyfriends and potential romantic partners. The list ends with my current boyfriend, and in the "Glaring Faults" column, I have a comment that says "Nothing ???" :)

You literally have a spreadsheet?? That would freak. me. out. if I was dating someone or married to someone and found that.

Hyacinth
05-05-2011, 04:18 PM
You literally have a spreadsheet?? That would freak. me. out. if I was dating someone or married to someone and found that.

A spreadsheet is simplified database, and a database is the backbone of most digital content management. So, if you have an Outlook Contacts file, you have a spreadsheet of information for people, too.

I did a stint with online dating, and I was finding it hard to keep information straight on the hordes of single men looking for who-knows-what. They weren't all "boyfriends", or even men I met in person. This is a safety measure, because if I met someone for the first time I would tell a close friend where I was going and who I was meeting and where any information I had on the person was stored (in a spreadsheet), in case whoever I was meeting turned out to be a psycho. Anyway, I was stupefied by the vast diversity of things these men wanted, and thought even about writing a blog or book about it, thus kept notes about it.

Actually, my whole life is in spreadsheets and databases, as I am an analyst by profession. I told my partner about it not too long ago, and he (also a spreadsheet geek by profession) didn't bat an eye about it.

(Sorry to the OP for the side conversation.)

belmagick
05-08-2011, 05:25 AM
How's it going?

From the stuff you posted on here, I swear you're going out with my ex. He cheated on me constantly during our year and a half relationship, He got someone else pregnant, he e-mailed and text other girls, he did the whole dating website too except his site of choice was adult friend finder.

I found his profile because he left it logged in on my computer and I can remember clear as day what it said and sometimes that still makes me angry when I think about it.

My biggest mistake was that I forgave him, time and time again I forgave him because everytime I asked him why he had done that to me, he'd say he didn't know and I'd jump to the conclusion that it was me. Somehow I thought I was lacking. At first, when I caught him he would cry and cry. He once grabbed on to my leg and dragged me back inside when I tried to leave. But as the relationship went on he really started to show no remorse until in the end it was like he didn't care what he'd done.

Something shifted in me one day after I found out that he'd been e-mailing another girl and I realised that it wasn't my fault. It was like a fog cleared and all feelings I had for him, my desire to be with him, my fear of being alone just completely vanished instantly. I was on the phone to him at the time going through the same old motions of forgiving him and I hung up because I realised that I couldn't listen to it anymore.

I ignored his calls and never phoned back and eventually he stopped contacting me. Although I got a text six months later asking me how dare I hang up on him and a letter about a year later telling me how he'd got a job and sent me presents.

I think when he got the other girl pregnant I tore her apart, I blamed her and not him and it many ways it was my biggest mistake because she was just as trapped as I was. We spent months trying to destroy each other in the most pathetic ways. She spread rumours and wrote ridiculous stories on the internet about me being murdered. I took every opportunity to undermine her about her lies and her weight to her face, via e-mail and via friends. I found that when I finally left this guy, they got back together but she finally had the strength to leave him too.

Now he's with another person and the last I heard was that she's had his baby and he's treating her exactly the same way that he treated me. I googled his preferred username and location and he's still on those dating websites. Some people never change and he probably never will. But I changed and now I'm in a longterm relationship with someone who in my opinion is perfect for me and I'm so grateful to have that experience, I know what it feels to be in love. He will never get that. So hang in there because it's a rough road but there is light, even if you can't see it from the trenches.

Thighs Be Gone
05-08-2011, 11:17 AM
I think women spend way TOO much time dating the wrong guy and then break up without thinking about why or how it happened. What happens? They find themselves back in another loser relationship with another loser guy. (AKA, same crap, different day)! I think sometimes getting it on paper is key. Some people journal, some keep spreadsheets. In any book I have ever read on goal setting, plannning and success it has pinpointed the importance of getting your thoughts on paper.

KUDOS FOR YOU FOR KEEPING A SPREADSHEET!

JEN3
05-08-2011, 04:59 PM
Some men fit the cliché "Once a Cheater Always a Cheater." Some cheating men will string a girl along and when they think they've found someone else better (in their minds) their down the road to infidelity. Some men even have the audacity to come back if the new hot chick dumbs them only to repeat the process. It’s better to cut your losses early and be thankful it didn’t cost you any money. Some men never learn.

Sure it hurts now but you have to find ways to occupy your mind and better yourself and move on. Eventually the right one will come along. Get together with family or girlfriends and socialize keep on your weight loss journey and become one of those hot chicks that will always dump his likes. Guys like him never wise up.

beerab
05-11-2011, 01:34 PM
The worst thing is that he has tried to turn the tables. He has changed his relationship status to 'Widowed' on his Facebook profile and told me that I have been sending messages on Facebook to people all along. This is not true. :( I don't know a more faithful person than myself. We sent each other some emails after and had one telephone conversation - All this happened on Friday.

Don't let him make you feel bad. Of course he's going to accuse you because he is doing it. I'm glad you have cut contact with him because even if you swore up and down that you never cheated he'll NEVER SAY he believes you. The sooner you realize he's crazy the faster you'll get over him.

How could he do this. :(

What hurts the most is that he isn't hurt by this. He doesn't miss me. He is just going on with his life and is flirting online as we speak and probably arranging dates.

I wish he could feel the hurt that I am feeling. :( I don't think that we were meant to be together and everything wasn't going that great. But the betrayal hurts so much. Why didn't he just left me (or why, oh why, didn't I leave him!).

I wish that we had a lot of friends in common, so that somebody out there can tell him that he is wrong! But as we only met 4 or 5 months ago, and we met online, we don't have many friends in common. He met my friends and I met his friends, but his friends were not my friends yet.

He could do this because he doesn't know how to be a good person in a relationship. He obviously has issues (thank goodness you won't have to deal with that cuz over time he would have gotten WORSE). He'll never feel the hurt you feel because he's not a good person like you are. His friends probably wouldn't waste their breath telling him he's wrong. And honestly do you think he'll tell his friends the truth? He'll probably just say it didn't work out or if he's a real jerk say it's your fault that the relationship was over. But most guys don't talk about that stuff it seems.

Robsia
05-11-2011, 01:36 PM
Or he will probably say he dumped you because *insert lie here*.

Guys don't tend to admit when they've been dumped.

chase1984
05-12-2011, 02:04 PM
I feel your pain...about 6 years ago i was dating a guy 10 years older then me...we dated for 5 years but something wasnt right. Me being the self consious nut case i tend to be kept asking questions. I knew he had kids and HAD been married before i was totaly ok with that (single fathers need love too) He wouldnt spend the night with me because of the kids (totaly understood) and i was always super busy so we spent little time together (red flag that i ignored entirely)

I found a court case search website for my state and i thought it would be fun to look at his past...when i looked i noticed there was another child that he was paying child support for (ok you didnt tell me that) and there was no record of divorce...I WAS MAD! i confronted him about it and he said that maybe it just didnt go on that site. So i demanded to see the paper work...never came always an excuse of why he couldnt get it. There were red flags everywhere. Mind you i was at my highest weight 310ish at the time so i just wanted attention and didnt really care....but to know i was with a married man with beautiful children whom i had met upset me. (my parents divorced because my father did the same thing) I didnt want to be that person. So our last day together i told him how i felt and that i couldnt do it anymore. I cried...for 5 minutes then i was fine! amazing i must have just wanted that attention bad. He kept saying they werent married blah blah blah...

Heres the kicker. I went to walmart with a friend maybe a week after the break up. I got out of the car and i heard his voice...i looked at my friend and looked behind us. He was getting out of the car with his beautiful wife (whom he kept telling me was ugly as dirt and a b****) and 2 children (the 3rd was with its mother somewhere else) He took 1 look at me and bolted. I was in shock...i slowly walked up to the store to see his wife struggling with prying carts apart...so naturally the nice person i am i helped her she was so polite and sweet it killed me. I walked around that store DYING to say something to him or her but because the kids were there i didnt want to cause a scene. I was stupid the signs were there, but i ignored it all because i hated who i was and to have someone tell me they love me just felt good.

We all have our stupidity leaks. Looks like this guy had one...he wanted to be caught because he was letting you see the emails. You WILL pull through this. I have since learned myself that i dont need a man to make me happy. I have one but i dont need one. You need to realize that he was the jerk. Guilty shows its ugly head in the worst ways and saying you did something when you know good and well you didnt shouldnt get you down. You should laugh about it. Let him say what he wants to say. Show him you can do much better then him. Walk with a strut, smile on your face and head held high. No man that does this to a woman is worth the tears.

Just remember you are beautiful and he is scum! i do hope you start feeling better. Try not to dwell on it. Consider it a lesson learned. I did.