General chatter - He bought me lunch!




View Full Version : He bought me lunch!


Eliana
04-17-2011, 02:52 PM
I just stepped way outside my comfort zone and joined a hiking group through meetup.com. It was a great 4 mile walk through town followed by lunch. I immediately hit it off with a gentleman who is a good bit older than I am. I'm 36 and he has a 23 year old son, so I'm not sure exactly how old. He loves to go kayaking, canoeing, mountain climbing, skydiving and loves baseball and hockey. If I was making a list of the perfect guy, check, check, check and check. And the clincher? He loves to cook, and I don't mean spaghetti. He's passionate about it!

We're with a group of about 20 people for lunch, most of us there as individuals, and he steals my check! He bought my lunch! I was shocked. Never in my life has a man ever paid for me like that. I've gone on actual dates where I've had to pay!

Then I got all nervous wondering what I should do if I asked for my phone number. He didn't. Phew! LOL! I guess I'm just not there yet.

I do not know how to date. :no: Sad, isn't it? I don't know how to reject a guy and I don't know how to date more than one person. I've always been a serious relationship kind of girl. This is all entirely new to me.

But what a great way to get my feet wet! :D


spixiet
04-17-2011, 05:01 PM
I've got to tell you - I love reading your posts about entering the dating world and figuring out how to "go out" :D I've never been a social butterfly, but in two months I'm moving across the country away from all friends and family, and I'm going to force myself out of my comfort zone. I was planning to use meetups, so it's fantastic to hear that you had such a positive experience...

tattoodles
04-17-2011, 05:07 PM
That sounds super! I'm not the best dater either. He sounds pretty cool though.


corazonas
04-17-2011, 05:31 PM
:love: sounds awesome! do you know if you will run into him again?

bargoo
04-17-2011, 05:40 PM
If he has a 23 yer old son it is possible that he is in hs mid 40's or early 50's, not too old for someone of 36. Good luck.

manders01
04-17-2011, 05:51 PM
Awesome! Congrats!

Chubbykins
04-17-2011, 05:52 PM
That sounds perfect for a nice love story :) !
I hope you at least have some means to meet again since you didn't exchange phone-numbers. Since he bought you dinner I think he'll expect the next move from you.

sacha
04-17-2011, 05:58 PM
Oops Eliana, I read that as "I'm 36 and he's 23..."!

Have fun!

Ookpik
04-17-2011, 06:23 PM
Awesome, congrats! :)

Lori Bell
04-17-2011, 07:11 PM
YIKES! Oh honey, are you sure you even WANT to date yet? Like, don't you have younger kids? (You just filed for your divorce recently right?) I would think the divorce has to be very hard on your kiddo's right now. Don't they need time to adjust to living in a house without their Daddy, before Mommy is out there dating (or even thinking of) dating a potential new one? You've got plenty of time to find a new man...why rush into anything?

I really don't mean to sound all Dr Laura on you, but why in the world would you even consider dating at this point? There is a reason this older guy is single...could be the same reason your ex is single. Don't jump into anything for your kids sake.

JOLINA
04-17-2011, 09:12 PM
Don't expect too much from a divorced guy with kids.

When a woman with children files for a divorce it is because there were major reasons why they could not get along with the husband. It is not easy raising children as a single parent. Women don't leave a marriage unless she has a lot of problems that are just to much to deal with.

If she could not get along with him and dumped him, what are the chances that any woman will be happy with him in the long run?

This guy could turn out to be the love of your life, or he could bring a whole lot of troubles into yours. Get to know him and find out why the marriage failed.

Cali Doll
04-17-2011, 09:49 PM
I love your excitement in this post. :-)

I'm also 36 and I don't know how to date either. Like you, I'm used to serious relationships; I don't have much experience being a "dater". And I haven't even had a "serious relationship" in probably 10 years.

Anyway, I'm glad he bought your lunch. I'm old fashioned in that way. :-) Also, I'll share something I *just* learned from my mom (yes, "just" learned - I suck at men/women datey stuff. lol): Men go after something/someone they *really* want. If he wants you, he will pursue you. I look forward to seeing where this goes. I hope you interact w/ him again. :-))

JohnP
04-17-2011, 09:55 PM
Congrats! Way to get out there!

ArEyBee
04-17-2011, 10:05 PM
Don't expect too much from a divorced guy with kids.

When a woman with children files for a divorce it is because there were major reasons why they could not get along with the husband. It is not easy raising children as a single parent. Women don't leave a marriage unless she has a lot of problems that are just to much to deal with.

If she could not get along with him and dumped him, what are the chances that any woman will be happy with him in the long run?

I have to STRONGLY disagree with this response. This is coming from a daughter of divorced parents since I was 3-years old where my mom did have custody of my older sister and I and wanted it that way. My dad did NOT want the divorce, my mom did. She had cheated on him since before I was born (yes, I'm sure I'm my Dad's daughter, I look so much like him) he would find out about her cheating and they would work on it. My mom finally divorced my dad because he dropped out of the Air Force and she felt like it was the apocalypse because he was "bailing out" on a retirement pension 20 years down the road. All she cares about is money, and all she does is squander the little she has. My dad actually quit the Air Force so he could focus on a college education to provide for his family. My mom is an IDIOT in the dating/relationship world and forever will be. Meanwhile, my dad has remarried (very happily) within the last few years. I love both of my parents, but my dad is a much better companion if you compare the two side-by-side.

Anyway, sexist thinking is very wrong and I feel that was an incredibly sexist response on your part Jolina. It's not always the woman's fault and it's not always the man's fault in a divorce. Sometimes marriages just don't work, children or no children!!!

MInewgoal
04-17-2011, 10:42 PM
I agree that it's not always the guys fault in a divorce.

I've seen it go both ways. I've also seen two perfectly decent ppl just not be able to live with each other.

Another poster said that you are just now getting divorced and to wait till the kids adjust. I really don't agree there either. Doesn't matter if you wait, or if you jump right in. It's going to be hard and an adjustment either way. Waiting for them to be ok, is just never going to happen (coming from a child who's parent divorced when she was just a mere infant..I never got ok with it).

Kids will adjust, they will act out, and they will be hurt (even if you never move on).

Just make sure that YOU are ready!

Eliana
04-18-2011, 01:11 AM
Whoa, you guys took this in a whole different direction. LOL!

If/when I date will have very little to do with my children. They are with their father every weekend and my "going out" happens ONLY when they are with their father. "Dating" for me has nothing to do with sex and if/when it does it will not happen with my children in the house...period. My children will not know about any dates until that man is the man I intend to marry. Fortunately my ex has the same view point. We've agreed on this, and at least for my own behaviors, I intend to stick by it. I am the child of a mother who had an affair...I know a thing or two about how adult relationships affect kids. So no worries! In fact...I have no intentions of ever getting married again, so truly, no worries.

Also, I'm just getting myself out there. Yeah, I'm lonely. I haven't had a partner in a very, very long time. I don't particularly enjoy doing things like kayaking by myself. It would be really nice to have a guy to do these things with. :dunno: I guess I'm feeling old, which I know some of you will laugh at. But I do. I feel like my youth is passing my by and I want to do these things now while I'm still spunky.

And...he emailed. :D He wants to go kayaking. I forgot there's that ability to contact someone through the meetup site. Hmmm...really not sure what to do here.

CrystalZ10
04-18-2011, 01:26 AM
I have to STRONGLY disagree with this response. This is coming from a daughter of divorced parents since I was 3-years old where my mom did have custody of my older sister and I and wanted it that way. My dad did NOT want the divorce, my mom did. She had cheated on him since before I was born (yes, I'm sure I'm my Dad's daughter, I look so much like him) he would find out about her cheating and they would work on it. My mom finally divorced my dad because he dropped out of the Air Force and she felt like it was the apocalypse because he was "bailing out" on a retirement pension 20 years down the road. All she cares about is money, and all she does is squander the little she has. My dad actually quit the Air Force so he could focus on a college education to provide for his family. My mom is an IDIOT in the dating/relationship world and forever will be. Meanwhile, my dad has remarried (very happily) within the last few years. I love both of my parents, but my dad is a much better companion if you compare the two side-by-side.

Anyway, sexist thinking is very wrong and I feel that was an incredibly sexist response on your part Jolina. It's not always the woman's fault and it's not always the man's fault in a divorce. Sometimes marriages just don't work, children or no children!!!

I disagree as well. My DH has been in two failed marriages and I am number 3 and he is stuck with me. His first cheated on him over and over and he gave her the boot. His second cheated on him and gave him the boot. He's wonderful, not perfect, but perfect for me. :D

And...he emailed. He wants to go kayaking. I forgot there's that ability to contact someone through the meetup site. Hmmm...really not sure what to do here.
Do you like him? If he asked you out on a straight up date would you accept? If so, go for it! If not, make sure he knows your just friends. I'd love to learn to kayak someday. :D

chickadee32
04-18-2011, 02:00 AM
And...he emailed. :D He wants to go kayaking. I forgot there's that ability to contact someone through the meetup site. Hmmm...really not sure what to do here.

I vote for going. :D You obviously connected with him and enjoyed his company today, and there doesn't seem to be any harm in seeing where this goes. Maybe you'll end up dating him, or maybe he'll just be a friend you can do outdoorsy activities with... either way, it seems like this is something worth exploring!

I'm excited for you. :)

Cali Doll
04-18-2011, 08:08 AM
Yay!!! GO!

nationalparker
04-18-2011, 10:28 AM
If you want to go, go ... don't build it up into something mammoth - it's kayaking. If you don't want to, just say no thanks.

But when you say: My children will not know about any dates until that man is the man I intend to marry. ... That's not fair to a man - he won't meet your kids until you want to marry him? Kids can adjust to people in our lives - what if you decide you want to marry him and he FINALLY meets your kids and pfft? That's a lot of pressure to place all at once, rather than letting relationships build normally. Then your kids are thinking this is MAJOR instead of letting them get to know someone as a friend first, too ... Sounds like that would be a long time off anyway, but something to think about. Sounds honorable and all that jazz, but credit the kids and the man as well with being able to build a relationship that isn't focused solely on the future.

In the meantime, just enjoy yourself and the company of others - without putting pressure on you/them. Have FUN!

MInewgoal
04-18-2011, 10:43 AM
Don't stress over an invitation to go kayaking.
You had a good time over lunch, this is just an opportunity to get to know him more. No commitment, just a nice time out on the river!

It's a goodtime to have a little time getting used to being a part of the outside world as an individual.

You don't have to be mom, or Mrs. anybody...You get to be YOU!!!
And btw...you're prolly pretty good at that without even knowing it ;)

Chubbykins
04-18-2011, 10:53 AM
As much as remarrying after a divorse may cause distress and more fears of failure than the first time I must say the opposite is really worse.

My grandmother was abandoned by my gramps for a french woman he had a liaison with. She never dared see another man and died alone and utterly bitter and miserable. No her grandkids and children weren't enough to fill the gap of a life-partner.

Imo it is awesome to date again. Most people (if not all) need the support and love of a partner. One does not need to marry again, but finding someone to live with is in my humble opinion mandatory for mental health.

It might just be my personal bad experiences with my many spinster and divorsed relatives being nervous and miserable people.

Even more heartbreaks should be in the long run better than a life following the lives of your kids and trying to fit into their gradually more independent lives.

fatferretfanatic
04-18-2011, 11:17 AM
He sounds like a cool guy, and an active one who is a find if he can cook well too! Go for it, if that's what you want. He sounds awesome, really. Finding a person that wants to enjoy the outdoors can be very hard sometimes. If you enjoy his company, why not take a chance? Kayaking sounds awesome!

saef
04-18-2011, 11:23 AM
It might just be my personal bad experiences with my many spinster and divorsed relatives being nervous and miserable people.

Which they wouldn't be if they had a man, because men are the universal cure for nervousness & misery?

Not according to posts on this board.

Based on what I see here, married women are often in all kinds of pain. So are single women.

It's the human condition. It's not based on whether you always have a man around or not.

LisaP916
04-18-2011, 11:23 AM
Geez, you guys, lighten up! A guy picking up the check at lunch and an offer to go kayaking do not equal marriage! Sometimes it's nice to feel noticed and attractive.

Eliana, if you want to go kayaking, go kayaking. Sounds like a great way to spend the afternoon. :-)

saef
04-18-2011, 11:32 AM
I forgot to add, Eliana: Enjoy your kayaking and also your conversation with this guy.

The less fraught it feels, the more fun it will be.

That much I know -- though I also know I'm better on giving advice on weight loss & body image than I am on how women should conduct their intimate relationships. That's outside of my consultancy practice. ;-) I inhabit a certain niche, you know.

Chubbykins
04-18-2011, 12:17 PM
Which they wouldn't be if they had a man, because men are the universal cure for nervousness & misery?

Not according to posts on this board.

Based on what I see here, married women are often in all kinds of pain. So are single women.

It's the human condition. It's not based on whether you always have a man around or not.

I didn't say that. It is their opinion that they would be happier if they had someone, not my opinion imposed on their problems :)
I do believe that people are happier if they have a GOOD companion.
If the companion is bad imo it is time for a change, but not to give up on finding someone suitable all together like my grandma did.
Of course this is all just my opinion, not the universal truth tm.

bargoo
04-18-2011, 12:55 PM
I say if you think you would enjoy kayaking with him . Do It !! Some of the posters are getting on his back about being divorced. I don't recall that you said he was divorced. He might be a widower. If he is divorced, so what ? So are you. I know many couple who are happily remarried even though both had been divorced before they met. I also agree with you about bringing men home, you don't know if you will marry the men you date so why confuse the kids until you at least have a strong relationship with someone.

sacha
04-18-2011, 01:00 PM
Geez, it's just kayaking and lunch :) I do agree with Lori Bell though in a sense that it's also important to guard your heart after recently filing for divorce :) Good luck

nelie
04-18-2011, 01:19 PM
I say go and have fun. There is nothing wrong with meeting new friends and if he wants more and you don't, it is easy to say that you are just looking for new friends.

My husband and I started dating after he had gotten divorced (after a separation as well). It actually wasn't what either of us intended. We were friends and wanted to be friends but we realized something was there so we tried dating. We have been together for 6 years next month.

evilwomaniamshe
04-18-2011, 02:45 PM
Weeeeeeeeeeeeeee, **** YA, go have FUN kayaking & enjoy yourselves, why not get to know each other while sharing a hobby on an outdoor adventure, how ideal! :) just CHILLAX & don't have expectations and just roll with it and see, who knows this may be a start of a beautiful relationship for you....

Shannon in ATL
04-18-2011, 03:20 PM
I also say that if it sounds interesting to you that you should go. It isn't a long term commitment, just some kayaking and conversation. It might lead to something else, it might not. If nothing else, it gets you a nice afternoon on the river. :)

Now, I would suggest not going just the two of you as you just met him, maybe see if there are others in the meetup group who would like to go? I tend to be pretty cautious on being alone with new people, male or female.

Jasmine31
04-18-2011, 05:04 PM
He may not be too old. My eldest is 18, I am 36. LOL Add another 5 years to her and I will be 41.

Glad to hear you are having fun re entering the dating world!

saef
04-18-2011, 05:23 PM
I didn't say that. It is their opinion that they would be happier if they had someone, not my opinion imposed on their problems :)


I am sorry, Chubbykins; I did not interpret your post correctly & did not understand from it that it was the women's own opinion that they were miserable & nervous because they didn't have a man.

Hmm. Sounds like Girlspeak for: "Man, I'm just not getting laid enough."

Eliana
04-18-2011, 09:14 PM
I thought about this last night. When a woman gets to be my age, the choices are men who have never been married, men who are divorced or men who are widowed. We all have our baggage. I have no problem with men from any of those categories and I feel like I'd be hypocritcal if I did. I am, after all, a divorced woman myself.

I think I might say yes. I'm away right now and he knows it, so I have the leisure of sitting on this decision for a few days, just as if I don't have computer access. I'm using that to my advantage. When I have the opportunity I plan to run this one by my best friend who can act as a better filter than I! LOL!

But yeah...just a day kayaking? Why not? No dinner inovled and therefore no expectations.

Jasmine31
04-18-2011, 09:52 PM
Eliana, sounds like a plan. When you meet up with him let him know where you are coming from.

Let him know that whatever you two do, it needs to be with no expectations other then companionship and getting to know each other.

If things take off from there, great. If not, no biggie.

juliana77
04-18-2011, 10:06 PM
Sounds great to me, have fun! When I was freshly divorced, I was in no way ready for anything serious, but I sooo missed having someone to "do stuff with" (not THAT "stuff" - get your minds out of the gutter).

Just be honest with him and honest with yourself and don't let yourself get pulled along faster than you want to.

EZMONEY
04-18-2011, 10:13 PM
Being a male my thoughts are "would a man his age really want young children since his are older?"

I also think it is too quick to meet one on one....when the group setting is already there for "learning more" about each other in a comfortable setting...

bargoo
04-18-2011, 11:20 PM
I say go for it. When I was newly divorced a business man came int my office and handed his business card to one of my coworkers saying to give it to me.On the card he had written "Have dinner with me and make it soon". I did and we went to a lovely restaurant for dinner and then dancing. It was a nice evening but we really didn't click and I didn't go out with him again but no harm was done. I would do it again.just make sure you stay in public places and get to know each other before you decide to go back to his place.

spixiet
04-18-2011, 11:24 PM
So, I was going to post something along the lines of "If you're worried or unsure about his intentions and whether it's a date or not..." but then I realized that's just my personal tendency to over-complicate :dizzy:

Hope you go kayaking and I hope you have a great time :)

XLMuffnTop
04-19-2011, 12:31 AM
Being a male my thoughts are "would a man his age really want young children since his are older?"

That is a good question that would have to be answered if it gets serious.

It is possible though. My step father was 10 years older than my mother and his only daughter was grown and in college when they got married. I was 14.

The upside is I got his "extra" car and never had to pay for it. ;) I came to see him more as a father to me than my biological. Not saying this will/should happen but it doesn't have to be all "You're not my Daddy!" Springer style. :D

Coondocks
04-19-2011, 10:48 AM
I hope you go, it doesn't need to be anymore than an afternoon out on the lake.
It's not going to be a big deal unless you make it one IMO.

I think the important thing is you're taking steps TO get out there, you may not be ready to officially declare you are ready to date and there's nothing wrong with that.
You're meeting new people, making some new friends . . . good for you!

Chubbykins
04-19-2011, 11:00 AM
I am sorry, Chubbykins; I did not interpret your post correctly & did not understand from it that it was the women's own opinion that they were miserable & nervous because they didn't have a man.

Hmm. Sounds like Girlspeak for: "Man, I'm just not getting laid enough."

No worries Saef :D
My ability to convey messages correctly through english isn't always what it should be, it being my second language and all.
And by the way they aren't all women. Some male members of my family feel lonely too. It isn't of course their only source of misery, but from personal experience I understand it when they say all troubles are easier if you have someone by your side.

MoveMoveMove
04-19-2011, 04:26 PM
Wow - a very interesting thread. I'm laughing thinking about what the reponses would be on a thread posted by the gentleman.

I see why there is so much stress in this country LOL.

You had lunch. I'm guessing from the tone of your original post that the two of you clicked on some level. It seems both of you enjoyed the time you spent together.

Don't complicate it. Two people who enjoy doing the same kind of activities getting together to do one of those activities. I've never been convinced that men and women can't just be friends.

Just think he may have posted: "Met a nice lady who likes to go kayaking. Want to ask her to join me on an outing but what if she thinks I'm hitting on her?"

Go. Have fun. Don't project. Live in the moment.

(Take this post with a grain of salt cause it's tainted by me watching the last two episodes of Ruby and her dealing with issues with men.)