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konfyoozed
04-13-2011, 06:53 PM
today i found out that my mother bought her dress for my upcoming wedding. i found out that my mother bought a white dress for my wedding.

i haven't fussed about much in the prep for this event. no qualms about the cake. no issues with the dresses or accessories. no problems with the caterer or the flowers or the reception venue. i've been fairly easy going, nobody would mistake me for a bridezilla. but is it wrong for me to want her to wear a color other than white? i kinda feel like that's a "signature color" for the bride (especially in a traditional wedding like we're having)...

thoughts?


WendeeLou
04-13-2011, 06:57 PM
I agree.. but it could be worse- my mother in law wore a black dress with a black hat and sunglasses. Our wedding colors were Purple, Silver, and White. It looked as though she was attending a funeral.. Maybe she felt like she was! HAHA

But seriously- I agree, white is for the bride. I think thats common knowledge...

XLMuffnTop
04-13-2011, 06:59 PM
It's definitely not the norm. Most mother-of-the brides I've seen wear more muted colors or sometimes jewel tones if they look like crap in pastels.

If it bothers you, talk to her about it. She may have liked the style and fit so well it never crossed her mind that she was picking a color that would be associated with a wedding gown. I mean, she's your mom, she should want you to be happy and comfortable - you're not exactly telling her exactly what to wear, just maybe not wedding white. ;)

I didn't get have a wedding when I got married. I didn't deal with all this so take my opinion/advise with a grain of salt!


bargoo
04-13-2011, 06:59 PM
No, your mother should not wear white. Tell her as gently as you can that it is not proper etiquette. Ask her kindly to return the dress for some other color , and not black or red , either. There are many other colors to pick from.

Txalupa
04-13-2011, 07:17 PM
I agree.. but it could be worse- my mother in law wore a black dress with a black hat and sunglasses. Our wedding colors were Purple, Silver, and White. It looked as though she was attending a funeral.. Maybe she felt like she was! HAHA

But seriously- I agree, white is for the bride. I think thats common knowledge...

Totally common knowledge!!! Might be time to revert back to your teenage years and yell "MMoooooooooooooooooommmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!" :devil:

What the heck is she thinking?? Maybe she just doesn't know the etiquette.

lizziep
04-13-2011, 07:24 PM
i agree i think this is common knowledge- she either just isn't thinking about it or she really wants to cause waves. either way- i'd ask her not to wear that! what was she thinking?!

Razorbackbritt
04-13-2011, 07:26 PM
Well, it might be your fault for not giving her some guidelines beforehand. When I knew my mom, mother-in-laws and even grandmas were shopping for our wedding, I explicitely told them "please no white and no black"

And they all complied.

You may be able to talk to her now....but the damage may be done. She may not be able to return it/may not want to. Hope it works out!

krampus
04-13-2011, 11:17 PM
Roll her around in red wine and she'll be wearing a purple dress?

FitGirlyGirl
04-13-2011, 11:37 PM
That's definitely a no-no. I would ask nicely that she wear something else. Did you know she was going to be shopping for her dress? Does she live near you? If you didn't know and she lives close by then that would be an excellent way to start the conversation about it. "Mom, I wish I'd known you were going shopping, I wanted to come with you ..."

konfyoozed
04-13-2011, 11:38 PM
Well, it might be your fault for not giving her some guidelines beforehand. When I knew my mom, mother-in-laws and even grandmas were shopping for our wedding, I explicitely told them "please no white and no black"

And they all complied.

You may be able to talk to her now....but the damage may be done. She may not be able to return it/may not want to. Hope it works out!

we did discuss possible colors for her to wear. we decided on "pastels or earth tones, nothing neon, black, red or white"

but apparently "cream" doesn't count as white in her world (that will look so bad next to my ivory dress in photos) and now i have to try to talk her out of it, meaning she will guilt trip me. "i can't ever do anything right!" complete with alligator tears, and my dad yelling at me for upsetting my mom.

all in all, i'm sure it will be a fabulous trip to the parents' house.

konfyoozed
04-13-2011, 11:39 PM
That's definitely a no-no. I would ask nicely that she wear something else. Did you know she was going to be shopping for her dress? Does she live near you? If you didn't know and she lives close by then that would be an excellent way to start the conversation about it. "Mom, I wish I'd known you were going shopping, I wanted to come with you ..."

i didn't know she was going today. she went with a friend of hers. and i was off for the last two days... we live 10 mins away from each other. and i offered to go with her, but she declined. :(

NiteNicole
04-14-2011, 12:04 AM
My mom did the same thing - full length white WEDDING dress. Yes, you heard me. It was so much a wedding dress that she wore it herself in her own wedding about a year later. Oh yeah. Swell, right? But that's my mom.

In general, my mom and I have a good relationship but there is something in her that's very close to a petulant teenager. She just can not be told what to do. I won't go into all the very long details on how my wedding (which I paid for, but as I was living on the other end of the country at the time, she managed to go behind me and change EVERYTHING. Mostly to things I expressly said I DO NOT WANT THAT - music, flowers, jacked with the guest list, etc) but let's just say I've spent the best part of the 12 years since my wedding learning all about establishing boundaries and not backing down because she plays the "you hurt my feelings" card. Our relationship is much much better now.

Don't go over, call. Talk to your mom and say, "Mom, white is for the bride. I'm sure the dress is lovely but please find something other than white. I can go with you on Such And Such day if you'd like, and I'll treat you to lunch but no white." Don't get sucked into the drama or tears. If she starts, you just say, "Mom, I can hear you are very emotional. I'll talk to you on Saturday when we shop for your dress" and get off the phone.

You're a grown woman about to get married, you father has no place yelling at you like a child. If he tries to start say, "Dad, I appreciate that you're trying to back up Mom, but this is between us. I'll talk to you some other time" and end the conversation.

You will be much much happier if you learn how to deal with your parents now and set some boundaries. You don't want them tromping into your marriage. People can't manipulate you and treat you like a child if you don't hang around for it.

josey
04-14-2011, 11:30 AM
My mom did the same thing - full length white WEDDING dress. Yes, you heard me. It was so much a wedding dress that she wore it herself in her own wedding about a year later. Oh yeah. Swell, right? But that's my mom.

In general, my mom and I have a good relationship but there is something in her that's very close to a petulant teenager. She just can not be told what to do. I won't go into all the very long details on how my wedding (which I paid for, but as I was living on the other end of the country at the time, she managed to go behind me and change EVERYTHING. Mostly to things I expressly said I DO NOT WANT THAT - music, flowers, jacked with the guest list, etc) but let's just say I've spent the best part of the 12 years since my wedding learning all about establishing boundaries and not backing down because she plays the "you hurt my feelings" card. Our relationship is much much better now.

Don't go over, call. Talk to your mom and say, "Mom, white is for the bride. I'm sure the dress is lovely but please find something other than white. I can go with you on Such And Such day if you'd like, and I'll treat you to lunch but no white." Don't get sucked into the drama or tears. If she starts, you just say, "Mom, I can hear you are very emotional. I'll talk to you on Saturday when we shop for your dress" and get off the phone.

You're a grown woman about to get married, you father has no place yelling at you like a child. If he tries to start say, "Dad, I appreciate that you're trying to back up Mom, but this is between us. I'll talk to you some other time" and end the conversation.

You will be much much happier if you learn how to deal with your parents now and set some boundaries. You don't want them tromping into your marriage. People can't manipulate you and treat you like a child if you don't hang around for it.

Wow, good advice. I would totally go with that if I had the problem. Maybe I should bookmark it so I have it if I ever get married :-)

Coondocks
04-14-2011, 11:39 AM
Just a little snippet I have from weddign ettiquette:

"When buying a dress, you want to stand out from the other guests, yet you never want to overshadow the bride.

Another important tip is to steer clear of any colors in the "white" family, such as off-white, champagne, beige or tan. Some brides like you to coordinate with the colors of the wedding, while other brides only require that you don't completely clash with the colors. There is no direct rule on mother-of-the-bride dress colors. If you want to blend in without being overly "matching," try a complementary color or a color in the same family."

Personally, I think its distasteful for the MOB to wear white, or anything close to resembling the shade of her daughters gown. It's her daughters day, be proud of course, rejoice, be happy - but dont take away any of the limelight. Just my opinion

4star
04-14-2011, 11:41 AM
You could always ask her what color she's gonna have it dyed and see if she takes the hint. ;)

CrystalZ10
04-14-2011, 11:54 AM
Roll her around in red wine and she'll be wearing a purple dress?
LOL!! There is an idea.:D Or you could "accidently" spill a huge glass of wine on her and ruin the dress...Oopsie..

I think this is why women go bridezilla sometimes. Its okay to do it when you have to. This day is yours and your husband to be. Its not about mom and she needs to be supportive. I think its weird that she took her friend shopping rather than you....

You are gonna have to be firm with her on this.

my mom didn't even bother to go to my wedding. I lived in NC and moved to Cali 3 days before I got married, and my sister drove with me and my dad flew out, but my mom refused to go. :?:

bargoo
04-14-2011, 07:05 PM
Weddings ! My MIL changed my bridal bouquet after it had been delivered, she sent it back and told them to change it. I never even got to see the bouquet I had ordered.

Latchkey Princess
04-15-2011, 11:05 AM
I agree with NiteNicole. Just approach the situation in a mature and adult manner, even if she breaks down and gets emotional and tries to play the guilt trip on your (for hurting her feelings, not respecting her choices, etc.). It's common knowledge (in my opinion) that no one except the bride wears white to the wedding unless the bride deems otherwise. Off white is NOT an acceptable alternative. Just calmly tell your mom this on the phone, and thank her in advance for respecting your wishes since this is such a big day for YOU. Perhaps offer up an alternative color in a way that is polite and flattering, such as "I thought you would probably go with a light blue dress mom, that color has always looked lovely on you." But whatever you do, don't back down, don't give in to drama, and don't get in an argument over it. Good luck!

Oh, and don't let your dad make you feel bad. Let him know your mother is an adult and if she is hurt she can tell you herself in a respectful and calm manner, she doesn't need someone to fight her battles for her.

konfyoozed
04-15-2011, 04:54 PM
my dad has always fought mom's battles for her. most of the time if i get into a disagreement with my mom, i end up in a yelling match with my dad by the end of it. mom's stubborn, but she would rather let him take care of the unpleasantness.

but i did talk to her. i called her last night and said "i'm sorry if it sounds selfish, but this is my wedding and i would prefer if you didn't wear a color that's so close to my gown, i'm supposed to stand out".. when she argued against that, i also explained to her that it's kind of taboo to wear white to a wedding where the bride is wearing a white dress, that i've only got one shot at the wedding pictures and i want everyone's happiness to be what stands out, not the awkwardness of "which sock is whiter" type color clashing... and when she argued against THAT with the claim of "it's not really off white, more of a really pale yellow..." i explained to her that people would notice and they would *talk*... mom hates that. so she gut huffy with me and finally said "FINE i'll take it back, but it's the only one i tried on that i actually liked. all the rest made me look like a grandmother!" (my mom's gonna be 53 this year, i think looking mature is acceptable?)

this morning she called me to tell me she'd returned it, how much she hated returning it because it was so pretty, and that she was gonna go shopping with her sister in florida this week. probably for something pink.

if it's hot pink, i may just scream.

XLMuffnTop
04-15-2011, 05:05 PM
If you get along with her sister (your aunt?) call and explain the situation and see if she can "guide" your mother towards more appropriate choices. :D

zoodoo613
04-15-2011, 05:38 PM
Roll her around in red wine and she'll be wearing a purple dress?

Perfect!

Definitely common knowledge! And she had a friend with her too? Bizarre.

A quote from a friend of mine, while her sister was dealing with a difficult MIL during her wedding: "I'm glad my mother-in-law believes its the job of the mother of the groom to wear beige and smile."