General chatter - In need of serious help...:(




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WendeeLou
04-13-2011, 03:48 PM
Okay, I am going to lay it all out there.. my business is now your business.

I have been married a little over a year. The beginning of my husband and I's relationship (before marriage) was really rocky. In a nutshell- he cheated, and not just cheated with other girlfriends, but with random women and sometimes even paid them (we lived in Las Vegas- pretty common there). I know what you are thinking- it was terrible terrible terrible. This is where my weight gain began.. you see, I have never really been in a relationship where I wasnt cheated on. The worst of all was the man I was with prior to my husband. When I finally decided to leave him because he couldnt treat me right, he basically told me that I wasnt ever going to be good enough for anyone. I was chunky, and not that pretty. The only thing I was good for was...well.. you know. Then he proceeded to beat the crap out of me. Different story, but the point I am getting at, is that I am extreemly unstable about myself, at least I was. Back to my husband- when all of this happened- it completely tore me in half. I felt like I wasnt skinny enough or pretty enough. I felt I couldnt give him what he wanted. I left. But then I came back. I am a Christian so for those of you who are, you will understand when I say, "I prayed and followed God's direction".

Since then, there have been a few sketchy incedents where I think something is going on, but cant prove it. I know it is possible that my mind is getting the best of me. 46 pounds later, I learned to let it go. Not only had I let it consume me mentally- it took my health and my weight when sky high. It has taken nearly a year of constant conciousness to overcome what happened and I still have to say to myself when my mind starts going back there, "get back over here, and stop thinking about that".

My husband is a great husband.. but he has a problem that I just cannot deal with. Porn. I know this is kind of sticky, but I need help. And there is no way I can expose him to the people we are friends with. I just cant handle it. For me personally, it feels the same as cheating. I just want to know what you gals think about this? Help? Advice?

Thanks..:(


OhMyDogs
04-13-2011, 03:54 PM
I don't have any advice to offer (I personally hold a different perspective on porn, so I don't have anything I can offer there), but I sincerely hope that you find a good resolution, and that you get some good advice. Being in a situation where you feel sub-standard or second best is never a good thing.

Sorry I don't have anything to give but a little support.

surfergirl2
04-13-2011, 04:00 PM
First of all, you are really pretty, and you should NEVER EVER let anyone tell you that you don't deserve to be treated well.

I don't have much advice on the husband situation, because that's more a specific issue and i don't know your relationship well enough or why you think he's a good husband. I mean if it's ONLY porn...i say let it go...but it sounds like there's more going on than that.

But the most important issue here is that you DO deserve to be treated well. I believe EVERY woman does, unless she is a really really bad person.


XLMuffnTop
04-13-2011, 04:05 PM
If you tell him that it makes you uncomfortable, like less important that the women he watches, and especially if it gets in the way of LIFE, he needs to let it go.

No one should choose porn over helping a spouse who's hurt by it. If I were in your situation and he had cheated on me before, I could make a much closer connection with the satisfaction from others visually to physically.

Of course, you're a much more forgiving person than I am. I don't deal with cheating. I'm of the mindset "once a cheater, always a cheater."

I hope you are able to resolve things and he can understand your point of view. :hug:

Munchy
04-13-2011, 04:07 PM
I dealt with an addict husband (and porn can be an addiction). You either accept it or it tears your life apart. My ex husband is off of drugs, but with the things that he did, he would never become my partner (best friend, lover, person I trust most in the world) again.

I'm now happily divorced.

I hope you find a solution for this because I really hated living miserably, not knowing when my bank account was suddenly cleared out or when I wouldn't know when my life was going to be flipped upside down in a moment. :hug:

niafabo
04-13-2011, 04:08 PM
First of all I would get tested just in case he is cheating on you. If you've caught something from him there is no doubt about what he was doing. If not count your blessings because based of what you've said I highly suspect that he is cheating. If he's cheated repeatedly in the past and you get the sneaking suspicion that he is now it is very likely your right. The porn if anything is a good sign because if he's taking care of himself then he's less inclined to go out and find somebody else to take care of it if you know what I mean. Sorry I wish I could be more reassuring but from my experience and everyone I know cheaters almost never change their ways especially when they get back with someone they already cheated on. :(

nina125
04-13-2011, 04:10 PM
I am confused? Are you worried if he is cheating on your of that he is watching porn?

sisypheanme
04-13-2011, 04:29 PM
Okay, I am going to lay it all out there.. my business is now your business.

I have been married a little over a year. The beginning of my husband and I's relationship (before marriage) was really rocky. In a nutshell- he cheated, and not just cheated with other girlfriends, but with random women and sometimes even paid them (we lived in Las Vegas- pretty common there). I know what you are thinking- it was terrible terrible terrible. This is where my weight gain began.. you see, I have never really been in a relationship where I wasnt cheated on. The worst of all was the man I was with prior to my husband. When I finally decided to leave him because he couldnt treat me right, he basically told me that I wasnt ever going to be good enough for anyone. I was chunky, and not that pretty. The only thing I was good for was...well.. you know. Then he proceeded to beat the crap out of me. Different story, but the point I am getting at, is that I am extreemly unstable about myself, at least I was. Back to my husband- when all of this happened- it completely tore me in half. I felt like I wasnt skinny enough or pretty enough. I felt I couldnt give him what he wanted. I left. But then I came back. I am a Christian so for those of you who are, you will understand when I say, "I prayed and followed God's direction".

Since then, there have been a few sketchy incedents where I think something is going on, but cant prove it. I know it is possible that my mind is getting the best of me. 46 pounds later, I learned to let it go. Not only had I let it consume me mentally- it took my health and my weight when sky high. It has taken nearly a year of constant conciousness to overcome what happened and I still have to say to myself when my mind starts going back there, "get back over here, and stop thinking about that".

My husband is a great husband.. but he has a problem that I just cannot deal with. Porn. I know this is kind of sticky, but I need help. And there is no way I can expose him to the people we are friends with. I just cant handle it. For me personally, it feels the same as cheating. I just want to know what you gals think about this? Help? Advice?

Thanks..:(


Everyone has their own levels of tolerance and forgiveness for various things/events. I have a very low level of tolerance for porn and cheating--but that is me. You are a very beautiful woman who deserves to be treated and respected in a manner that is consistent with your values. Life goes by quickly and thus you should spend it with someone who is compatible and enjoyable to you. If I were in your particular situation, I would seek counsel or move on....but that is me and I do not have time for porn or cheating in my life. I hope it all works out! Don't short change yourself.

ilidawn
04-13-2011, 04:46 PM
First off I to tell you that you're beautiful and there's a special place in **** for "men" who verbally and physically abuse women. (sorry if that sounds harsh but I'm still bitter about the men who have cheated on me and verbally and physically abused me) You're so strong to be able to tell yourself to "get back here" and that's awesome :)

It's really hard to trust again when you've been cheated on (especially if it was many times). I completely understand the feelings of betrayal when he's looking at porn but on his side, he probably feels he's being a better husband since he's not out there doing someone else. Do you think he may be cheating again? I'd suggest talking to him about how the porn makes you feel because guys can be really dense about that and explaining might help him to understand you better because he does need to show you you're important to help heal the wounds of being cheated on previously (wow..run on sentence sorry lol)

I'd also suggest joining dailystrength.org because they've got a few good support groups where being cheated on and issues with porn comes up very often. I'm on the jealousy and the physical & emotional abuse groups and the people there can be really helpful and supportive.

WendeeLou
04-13-2011, 06:45 PM
First of all...Thank you everyone for your responses!!

OhMyDogs- thanks for the support ;)

Surfergirl2- Thanks for the compliment- also, my views on porn are that it is unacceptable. We are trying to raise a Christian Family- and that doesnt fit in the picture..

XLMuffnTop- I agree, this isnt our first rodeo with the porn and what not. It has been an issue in the past. He is VERY aware of the way I feel, which is why most of the time he clears the history on the comp.. this time he forgot. I wasnt snooping like I used to, I am past that. But when I start typing in the address bar and all this nastiness comes about, I cant help but delve in to see what he is up to. Of course he has denied it. Said he didnt visit the site, so and so forth. But I know that it is a lie. 1. because it is his favorite *free* site he has visited in the past and two- because he was home all evening last night.. alone.

Munchy- I think he truly is addicted. He isnt on all the time, but he cannot give it up. Not even for our family...

Nifabo- I actually am pretty comfortable that I am clean- I know because- and here is a whole nother can of worms. We have been trying for a baby for 2 years now. His sperm count is low, so we have yet to conceive and drs arent really giving many options other than IVF (my insurance does not pay for infertility). Anyway, I have monthly OBGYN appointments to check everything out and track ovulation and was just tested about 2 weeks ago. I suppose this is another thing that really bothers me.. we are trying for a baby, he has a low sperm count, and Dr said only have sex every other day so that he can build up sperm. Well.. apparently he has been waisting his swimmers on porn! And that really really REALLY ercks me. I was bawling in church asking for prayer for us to concieve. I have been dealing with pregnant friends and babies everywhere, and he sees my pain. He sees me cry and knows how badly I want to have a child. And still he hinders that... I dont get it.

Sisypheanme- My tolorance for porn and cheating is the same. Under any other circumstance, I wouldnt have gone back. But trust me. It was a really hard position and I felt I made the right choice, and I know thats hard to understand being on the outside.. and maybe it was the wrong decision.. but it was made either way! ha!

ilidawn- He knows just how it makes me feel. We have been through this over and over and over again. He claims he didnt do it this time.. but I saw the history and it wasnt like just the home page. It was the home page and about 5 different videos. Ugh makes my stomach turn.

Again, thanks ladies for your support and advice. Its nice to know that people care enough about other people to take time out of their day to support others! The love is felt!

Who knows what will happen with this. I just feel like I am better than all of this.. Like I deserve someone who loves me enough that they wouldnt want to be involved with these things.. ya know? ugggh.. always a storm..

WendeeLou
04-13-2011, 06:46 PM
oh, and Nina125- I absoloutly loath that he watches porn. I cannot handle it. I dont know if he is cheating, but with our last bout of infedelity, it all started with porn, then moved to CL, then from there exploded into this double life.. that is what I am worried about!

midwife
04-13-2011, 06:47 PM
I wouldn't assume your doctors are testing for STDs at each of your monthly visits; ask to be sure.

ddc
04-13-2011, 06:49 PM
Um...from your last post, I don't think having a child with him is a good idea until you get this worked out.
Sounds like some counseling is in order-marriage counseling and possibly addiction counseling.

Hugs to you

WendeeLou
04-13-2011, 06:50 PM
Its not an assumption- I know he tested for STD's. Thanks though! :)

WendeeLou
04-13-2011, 06:52 PM
ddc- obviously that has been put on hold. I thought we were doing a lot better. Things had been going very well.. maybe he just learned to hide it better? We went to marriage counciling after everything happened, and that was beneficial for us. However it got to the point where we were paying our phsycologist $100 an hour just to sit and talk to eachother.. so we stopped going!

ilidawn
04-13-2011, 06:57 PM
At the risk of making you mad, I think you really deserve better than that. It sounds like he doesn't care all that much for you and he doesn't treat you with the love and respect you DO deserve. I think that ex who said that crap then beat you really put that too far into your head because you still aren't being treated right. I agree with ddc that a child with him isn't a good idea unless this gets straightened out but it's a very slim percentage of men who will truly change when it comes to cheating and porn addictions. (It's kind of like how I keep getting reminded that abusive men can get better at holding back but it's rare that they ever truly change, there's always that danger they'll revert to old habits) Please don't be mad at my response, it's just food for thought I guess.

shannonmb
04-13-2011, 07:02 PM
I'm really sorry you are going through this, it just really really stinks.

I think the worst part about the computer porn thing is he is acting like a child who got busted. I mean, what grown man actually thinks he's going to get away with THAT lie? It's not like you have a 14 year old son to blame it on or something.

My husband has been known to watch a porn or 2 in his life, and it really doesn't affect me one way or another -- heck, I've watched it with him (a long time ago, not really my thing :o). The thing I would just absolutely NOT be able to tolerate is that lying. How on Earth could you ever trust one single thing out of his mouth if he is looking you in the eye and swearing he didn't do something that you have proof of? Despicable, really, and a deal breaker for me.

I don't have much advice for where to go from here. I think it would fully depend for me on his agreeing to go to some kind of counseling - alone or together. They don't do miracles in counseling, but if he were willing, at least it would show that he gives some kind of a care about your feelings. EDIT, I was posting when you were talking about the counseling. Maybe it's time to go back, you should have quite a bit to talk about now.

I'm sorry. :(

scarletmeshell
04-13-2011, 07:07 PM
I'm so sorry this is happening in your life. You are so beautiful and it seems like on the inside too which is most important. I wish I had some advice for you but your not alone and I am sending you the biggest hug!

FitGirlyGirl
04-13-2011, 07:18 PM
I do not believe in once a cheater always a cheater because I was once a cheater and I am not. One pretty serious boyfriend, 2 husbands (including the current one), and about 10 years since I have cheated on anyone. I will say that it is a very hard thing to change and it is very rare, in my opinion, for a cheater to change. It took a lot of hard work, a lot of prayer, and a lot of help from up above. I can't know, but I do not believe that he has changed.

As for what to do: talk to him and tell him how his viewing porn makes you feel. Tell him what you said here, that it makes you feel cheated on. If he cares for you then he will give it up. I also advise getting a full run of STD tests in case he is still cheating, as niafabo already suggested. Is a P.I. something you could afford? If so then consider it, because I don't think that you will feel better until you know for sure one way or the other. Also, keep in mind that sometimes we mishear God and perhaps you aren't meant to be with this man. Many people stay in unhappy marriages because they have been taught that God hates divorce. That is true, but He hates for his children to suffer even more than He hates divorce. God does not want you to be miserable or to be abused, and cheating on you is a type of abuse. Nobody deserves to be treated that way. Even if you were ugly and as big as a house, you wouldn't deserve that (you aren't by the way - you are gorgeous no matter what your ex said). I assume that as a christian you have a regular church? Talk to your pastor about this, I'm sure he will have some advice for you and just talking to him about it will probably make you feel better.

DixC Chix
04-13-2011, 07:56 PM
First - hugs for you :hug::hug:. This is a terrible thing to go through.

Second - you are beautiful and attractive and don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise.

Third - He is not being straight with you. If he was, he would live his life in a transparent manner, encouraging you to check his phone log or internet browsing history, etc without erasing them to ease your fears and suspicions. Your instincts are telling you something.

He needs professional help. It would also be worthwhile for you both to go for couples counselling. It can still be faith-based and not associated with your church. This is not something he can conquer by himself.

He is putting everything you value at risk. This is a character defining situation. How do his actions define his character?

It is without any disrespect that I put this to you: Is it possible that you are afraid of the fallout of divorce from this person who is not behaving as a good Christian husband and perceiving it as God's direction? How much misery does God want you to have? How many missed opportunities for children does God want you have? Is it possible that God's direction is for you to learn from this experience and not make the same mistake again?

I say that if he doesn't agree to get help (and that means he has to work at it, not just attend meetings) and really give it his best effort, you should end it and move on to a better man.

XLMuffnTop
04-13-2011, 08:18 PM
I do not believe in once a cheater always a cheater because I was once a cheater and I am not. One pretty serious boyfriend, 2 husbands (including the current one), and about 10 years since I have cheated on anyone. I will say that it is a very hard thing to change and it is very rare, in my opinion, for a cheater to change. It took a lot of hard work, a lot of prayer, and a lot of help from up above. I can't know, but I do not believe that he has changed.

I understand that people make mistakes. I guess everyone in my life that's cheated have just been generally crappy people because they never changed and were unremorseful. With a "serial" cheater such as this, the odds are definitely stacked against them. To cheat over and over and even pay for sex, that's beyond say, being drunk and doing something you really shouldn't have.

Just wanted to clarify to make sure there were no hard feelings.

Nola Celeste
04-13-2011, 08:30 PM
There is a word for paying for sex, and it isn't "cheating." It's something a good bit uglier. He did this before you got married? Were you aware of it then, while you and he were still dating?

I don't subscribe to the "once a cheater, always a cheater" philosophy either, but there's a difference between someone who has AN affair and someone who has affairs--as in multiple events--and also buys the services of prostitutes. I'm a firm believer that anyone can change, but...well, that's a lot of change that would have to happen.

Prostitution is a crime almost everywhere in this country. What will happen to your life if--no, more likely when--he gets caught? What must he think of women in general if he believes they're a commodity to be bought? Please protect yourself and your assets; someone who would regularly patronize "working girls" is someone who would think nothing of taking money from your savings account to pay them or of costing you money to bail him out (which, I should add, I wouldn't do in a million years if he got caught in the act).

The porn is a very, very small potato compared to actively participating in the illegal sex trade.

krampus
04-13-2011, 08:55 PM
WendeeLou, what is someone with such a beautiful smile doing with a chronic cheater? It makes me so sad to hear that you've had such low self-esteem and been treated so poorly by men. I'm not sure what to say about your situation with your husband. Normally I'd say porn is just something most men/people use as a means of fantasizing and is harmless, but if past cheating incidents started with porn and progressed from there, it seems he has a very big problem. How is your relationship aside from the cheating?

souvenirdarling
04-13-2011, 09:13 PM
Just to offer something different:

Is pornography affecting his job, other areas of his life? How much money is he spending on it?

Would you consider watching porn with him? It could be less of a "cheating with the internet and cheating us out of kids" to something fun or different?

I imagine that porn can be some stress free pleasure, when having sex is about concieving (which is tough because of a low sperm count.) I get why a guy might want the porn - less stress, fewer expectations, and he can try to ignore the "I'm not manly, my sperm isn't good enough."

This is definitely an a topic that would be good to bring up in therapy, and important; Something worth spending $100 to discuss and resolve somehow.

I also do think that you should be going to therapy for some help, yourself. meaning this in the best intentioned way: Your initial post makes me think you could use some support to talk about body image, past bf and current husband and self image as related issues.

*big hug* Whatever you do, I wish you all the best.

sacha
04-13-2011, 09:27 PM
I understand that as a Christian your marriage vows are obviously very serious to you. I would recommend you read marriagebuilders.com which is a website dedicated to saving your marriage and from a Christian perspective.

However,

Even marriagebuilders.com recognizes that you cannot save a marriage when one person is an addict. If a man is a multiple cheater, user of prostitutes, and cannot give up porn to save his family, then he is an addict. No question about that. At least the site and program can help you get through this and understand what is going on, and how to resolve it (whether that be together or divorce).

I really hurt to see that you are struggling with infertility. Unless this man can learn to control his addiction, it is dangerous to have a child with him. A known user of prostitutes who clearly refuses to stop his compulsive ways WILL eventually catch an STD, whether it be herpes or HIV. There is a huge growing number of honest, faithful wives in North America who are becoming infected with HIV and it's because of their philandering husbands. When you conceive a child, because one day you WILL become a mother, it is frightening to think that just one sexual encounter with your husband can leave you and your baby open to these infections. Not to mention a child raised to believe that this sort of behaviour is okay, to have a son who treats his wife like that, or a daughter in your position.

fatferretfanatic
04-13-2011, 09:39 PM
It sounds like your husband is a sex addict and definitely needs treatment. I do not have anything against porn, but given your hubby's history, I can understand why you're upset. I am not sure what advice to give you except that if I were in your shoes, I'd demand treatment or a divorce. It's all up to you-but I hope you find solace in whatever you chose.

WendeeLou
04-13-2011, 11:05 PM
There is a word for paying for sex, and it isn't "cheating." It's something a good bit uglier. He did this before you got married? Were you aware of it then, while you and he were still dating?

I don't subscribe to the "once a cheater, always a cheater" philosophy either, but there's a difference between someone who has AN affair and someone who has affairs--as in multiple events--and also buys the services of prostitutes. I'm a firm believer that anyone can change, but...well, that's a lot of change that would have to happen.

Prostitution is a crime almost everywhere in this country. What will happen to your life if--no, more likely when--he gets caught? What must he think of women in general if he believes they're a commodity to be bought? Please protect yourself and your assets; someone who would regularly patronize "working girls" is someone who would think nothing of taking money from your savings account to pay them or of costing you money to bail him out (which, I should add, I wouldn't do in a million years if he got caught in the act).

The porn is a very, very small potato compared to actively participating in the illegal sex trade.

In the state of Nevada it is only illegal in Clark County (where Las Vegas is) but Parump is just a short 45 mins away.. and thats where they all are.

WendeeLou
04-13-2011, 11:07 PM
WendeeLou, what is someone with such a beautiful smile doing with a chronic cheater? It makes me so sad to hear that you've had such low self-esteem and been treated so poorly by men. I'm not sure what to say about your situation with your husband. Normally I'd say porn is just something most men/people use as a means of fantasizing and is harmless, but if past cheating incidents started with porn and progressed from there, it seems he has a very big problem. How is your relationship aside from the cheating?

Everything else is perfect. I mean PERFECT. He takes very good care of me, he is very loving and compassionate. And constantly encourages me. He is a great husband aside from this issue.

WendeeLou
04-13-2011, 11:11 PM
Just to offer something different:

Is pornography affecting his job, other areas of his life? How much money is he spending on it?

Would you consider watching porn with him? It could be less of a "cheating with the internet and cheating us out of kids" to something fun or different?

I imagine that porn can be some stress free pleasure, when having sex is about concieving (which is tough because of a low sperm count.) I get why a guy might want the porn - less stress, fewer expectations, and he can try to ignore the "I'm not manly, my sperm isn't good enough."

This is definitely an a topic that would be good to bring up in therapy, and important; Something worth spending $100 to discuss and resolve somehow.

I also do think that you should be going to therapy for some help, yourself. meaning this in the best intentioned way: Your initial post makes me think you could use some support to talk about body image, past bf and current husband and self image as related issues.

*big hug* Whatever you do, I wish you all the best.


It does not affect anything, and he only views free sites. It isnt something that happens often anymore.. the last time I caught him was January 2010.

I wouldnt be interested in watching it with him, its not my style. I am a pretty modest and private person. And I am not by anyway interested in that.. Makes sense though- I know there are a lot of couples that watch together.

As for the therapy- I have come a LONG way!! I did get some counciling as well as met with my pastor regularly for a while, a

WendeeLou
04-13-2011, 11:12 PM
Just to offer something different:

Is pornography affecting his job, other areas of his life? How much money is he spending on it?

Would you consider watching porn with him? It could be less of a "cheating with the internet and cheating us out of kids" to something fun or different?

I imagine that porn can be some stress free pleasure, when having sex is about concieving (which is tough because of a low sperm count.) I get why a guy might want the porn - less stress, fewer expectations, and he can try to ignore the "I'm not manly, my sperm isn't good enough."

This is definitely an a topic that would be good to bring up in therapy, and important; Something worth spending $100 to discuss and resolve somehow.

I also do think that you should be going to therapy for some help, yourself. meaning this in the best intentioned way: Your initial post makes me think you could use some support to talk about body image, past bf and current husband and self image as related issues.

*big hug* Whatever you do, I wish you all the best.


It does not affect anything, and he only views free sites. It isnt something that happens often anymore.. the last time I caught him was January 2010.

I wouldnt be interested in watching it with him, its not my style. I am a pretty modest and private person. And I am not by anyway interested in that.. Makes sense though- I know there are a lot of couples that watch together.

As for the therapy- I have come a LONG way!! I did get some counciling as well as met with my pastor regularly for a while, and that really helped. I am a world away from where I was! I definitly think we could go back though!!

WendeeLou
04-13-2011, 11:15 PM
I understand that as a Christian your marriage vows are obviously very serious to you. I would recommend you read marriagebuilders.com which is a website dedicated to saving your marriage and from a Christian perspective.

However,

Even marriagebuilders.com recognizes that you cannot save a marriage when one person is an addict. If a man is a multiple cheater, user of prostitutes, and cannot give up porn to save his family, then he is an addict. No question about that. At least the site and program can help you get through this and understand what is going on, and how to resolve it (whether that be together or divorce).

I really hurt to see that you are struggling with infertility. Unless this man can learn to control his addiction, it is dangerous to have a child with him. A known user of prostitutes who clearly refuses to stop his compulsive ways WILL eventually catch an STD, whether it be herpes or HIV. There is a huge growing number of honest, faithful wives in North America who are becoming infected with HIV and it's because of their philandering husbands. When you conceive a child, because one day you WILL become a mother, it is frightening to think that just one sexual encounter with your husband can leave you and your baby open to these infections. Not to mention a child raised to believe that this sort of behaviour is okay, to have a son who treats his wife like that, or a daughter in your position.


I know that he isnt out there cheating anymore.. We moved from Las Vegas to Boise Idaho. His time is accounted for, and I trust he isnt out doing all that anymore.. I am going to post a response at the bottom with what has been revealed.. so check that out. ;)

WendeeLou
04-13-2011, 11:24 PM
So I thought I would share with all of you what has come about in this mess...
I am embarrassed to admit it, but he really didnt look at the porn. :o

My brother in law is an IT guy, and him and husband actually built the computer he uses. I called him to ask how all of this works because my husband denied with everything in him, being on those sites. We were able to look at the history on the browser to show the time the sites were visited and the duration the browser was on the page...

The website was visited at 19:36:32 (7:36pm) well.. we were at Bible Study from 7pm-8:45ish. It couldnt have been him. Also the durration for each page was less than one minute. My brother in law scanned for viruses and is working on the comp.

I feel completley awful because in all of my anger, I totally ranted and raved only about the past and thee negativity.

My husband did some very awful things, but this has been years ago. He has since given his life to GOD, and everyday we pray for strength in our marriage, and he prays for strength in his flaws. I am not making excuses, but my husband does have a lot of issues, he was sexual abused as a child (which could be the reason his count is so low). And had a very bad childhood. I am not saying that what he did was okay, but what I am saying is that he has issues, awknowledges them, and is trying very hard to work on them.

I feel like a fool. I should have investigated more before I made a big mess over this.
I so appreciate everyones responses and caring love. Such an amazing group of women here!

CrystalZ10
04-14-2011, 01:17 AM
Sorry your going though so much but I am happy to hear he is trying so hard to be a better person. {{hugs}}

4star
04-14-2011, 07:51 AM
I just gotta ask b/c you seem to be making a lot of consessions for this relationship. Does he want all these same things you want in building this life or is he just "playing house" with you? Some people have great intentions but just can't get past themselves to commit and follow through.

If you weren't married and trying to concieve and you knew all of this about him would you really choose him for a life partner? He doesn't sound like a very strong partner if you have to worry about him so much. JMHO and I am so sorry to ask all of these questions but when our self-esteem is harmed we make excuses and concessions for things we'd never stand happening to anyone else.

Life will steer you in the direction you are supposed to go but you might want to consider if this infertility thing and the rest is the end all and be all of you. Life is messy but it works out. Don't hang your self-esteem on this relationship. You may have needed to go through this to meet a man that you don't have to worry about. Sometimes we aren't meant to stay someplace that we struggle to make that place better, sometimes we struggle so we know to move along.

****Ok just read your latest update but please consider the part YOU play in YOUR life and know that whomever else might come or go, YOU are the constant in YOUR life and you are meant to honor that.

WendeeLou
04-14-2011, 10:47 AM
4Star- thanks for your response. Dont be sorry for asking these questions! They are the same ones I have thought about and asked HIM!!

I knew what he had done to me before I married him. He had to prove himself to me, and that he wanted to change. When I found out about all the other stuff (years ago) I was gone. I left him, he begged and pleaded and was willing to do ANYTHING. That inculded not even being on the computer, going to counciling, and his life was completley transparent. He had so many issues, like a drug addict recovering from their issues. It was hard, hard for him, and hard for me to get over and forgive for what happened.

I KNOW for a fact that he is trying to do right and be a better person. He gave his life to Jesus Christ in October of 2008- and we havent had any instances since then (with the exception of this crazy situation). And I know that he wants a family more than anything. I feel terrible for even posting this before really knowing what was going on, but you know how your emotions are when you are upset.

I really appreciate your response though, and believe me, after its all said and done, if I know anything, its that I am number one and most important.
:hug:

4star
04-14-2011, 10:54 AM
Maybe this will be good for you guys, like getting down to that last layer to be sorted so you can make peace with what happened in the past and put it behind you.

cherrypie
04-14-2011, 12:35 PM
so who looked at the porn? :lol: it's a mysery now.

reminds me of a similar instance in my life where I thought the babysitter had been looking at porn and I was all freaked out but it turned out to be my husband. :lol: which in our relationship is perfectly all right.

sisypheanme
04-14-2011, 06:58 PM
There will come a day when you reach your maximum tolerance level....then the winds of change will blow! I also just echo those concerned about starting a family. Be so careful in the decision to bring a child into a situation that you find uncomfortable. I think porn is a strong hold and once in it--it is hard to get out of. It is an addiction like gambling or drugs. You are intelligent, beautiful, and shouldn't settle for anything less than your expectations.

DixC Chix
04-15-2011, 04:04 PM
... and I trust he isnt out doing all that anymore..
Trust - yes but verify.

Since you have some feelings about this issue that have popped up, ask him to live transparently again.

WendeeLou
04-15-2011, 04:17 PM
He has agreed to do so, in fact, God works in mysterious ways...

He met a man where he works who is a minister. Turns out this fella used to have a sex addiction as well... He now works with men who struggle with these issues. My husband and him have been talking quite a bit and it seems as though this man may very well help my husband!

Very exciting to see God's hand in our lives!!

Thanks again for all the support!:hug: