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MusicalJess
04-13-2011, 02:56 PM
I'm 20 and have been with my boyfriend for 2 years. We've been living together for just over a year. Today I got a huge shock.

I wentinto University to hand in a piece of coursework. I had to put the work onto a DVD disc to hand it in and so before leaving I just grabbed one off the shelf that was in a clear case and looked blank. When I got to putting my work on the disc I put it in and a video popped up. It was his wedding video. I panicked. Cried a little because for some reason it upsets me. And then ejected the disc. I didn't watch it. Just the title page came up to show me what it was. I text my boyfriend and told him what had happened and he said not to be upset, to snap the disc and forget about it. I sorted myself out, and put the disc back in my bag.

I've just got home and, I dunno why, I watched it. Not it all. I saw where she walked down the aisle (and it cheered me up a little to see that she looked dreadful-I hope I look prettier than that on my wedding day!!), I saw them sign the register, I missed the kiss as I skipped it. Don't think I could bear that bit. But I landed on where they cut the cake. He was stood behind her, they looked so happy, they were holding hands...and I couldn't take any more. So I've ejected the disc and can't stop crying.

I feel like a crazy person and don't think I can admit to boyfriend what I've just done :(

I don't know what I'm looking for by telling you this. I guess theres no advice you can give as I've already done it. I can't unwatch what I saw. I just feel really horrible now. I feel like not doing any exercise and just going straight to bed.


nelie
04-13-2011, 03:26 PM
I know it may upset you but unless you didn't know your boyfriend was married, you'll need to figure out how to deal with it. My husband was married prior to us getting together but they are no longer married for a reason and he is with me for a reason. Sometimes things just don't work out, no matter how happy you look on a certain day.

beerab
04-13-2011, 03:31 PM
Did he get married when he was 12 lol- how old is he to already be married and divorced?!

Okay that being said; HUN he's NOT married to her anymore, he's with YOU, he told you snap the disc, so get rid of it, and ignore it. Why are you letting something in his past which had nothing to do with you bother you? What does his being married before you knew him have anything to do with you, his love for you, etc?

Toss the disc in the trash and go do your workout and laugh about how silly you are being and think about how great a guy you have :)


MusicalJess
04-13-2011, 03:31 PM
I think its because he never told me he'd been married until we had been together 6 months. And when he told me it really upset me. Mainly because I was only 19 at the time and marriage was (and still is) a big deal. I know he was married. And he is now divorced. Its just that she's always around (as she is the mother of his child) and I hate her. I hate to think of her near him. And she cheated on him within 2 months of them getting married. I hate her. I dunno. I'm really messed up. I wish I didn't watch the video :( Well. I really wish I'd never found the video if I'm honest.

MusicalJess
04-13-2011, 03:34 PM
He's 26. They got married in November. Split up in the Feb. And I got with him in the July....not knowing he'd been married before.

This is too much to deal with. I keep ignoring it but I'm way in over my head. And he is falling out with me all the time now and seeing them in that video makes me think if she didn't cheat or if he'd not found out I'd never have met him. Maybe he was happier with her? But her cheating meant they couldn't be together?

I'm really shaky still :( Just can't deal with this.

MInewgoal
04-13-2011, 03:35 PM
Obviously, they weren't happy together, or they'd still be there.

That was his past, and he's let it go
Work through your emotions, don't feel guilty about it. I think in general everyone is curious about who and what came before...but Now look to the future.

MusicalJess
04-13-2011, 03:39 PM
I suppose you're right. Still hurts though. I just wish he'd be more understanding. He doesn't like talking things through. He just tells me to "forget about things" so I try and end up bottling them up and then when something like this happens I get ridiculously upset over nothing.

beerab
04-13-2011, 03:39 PM
No use crying over spilt milk.

Don't waste your energy on hating her- it's not worth it to harbor that hatred in your life. If anything feel sorry for her she screwed herself over because she lost a great guy that you are now with. Remember in all this that YOU made out- screw the fact he was married to her- it's in the past! Move on. If you truly feel this is affecting you that much you might want to go see a counselar or therapist in order to let things like this go because in the end it's not worth it to let yourself get so upset about this.

Just be thankful that they don't have children together so you don't have to see her ever again.

Do something fun with the CD- take it outside and break it up with a hammer- great way to let all the rage out :)

MusicalJess
04-13-2011, 03:41 PM
...mm they do have a daughter together. I have to see her every weekend...

And I was thinking about getting a hammer. But I've got a pair of scissors and am cutting it up into as many pieces as I possible

beerab
04-13-2011, 03:43 PM
I suppose you're right. Still hurts though. I just wish he'd be more understanding. He doesn't like talking things through. He just tells me to "forget about things" so I try and end up bottling them up and then when something like this happens I get ridiculously upset over nothing.

If you guys have relationship issues not relating to this then that's a separate issue you need to work on. If you are taking this video issue out of proportion because of all your other relationship issues- then address your OTHER issues, not this video.

If he just wants you to constantly forget about issues then you guys have communication issues and a counselor would also help you guys to learn to communicate better. Bottling things up is NOT the way to be in a relationship. If you guys can't talk things out you'll have serious issues later on.

beerab
04-13-2011, 03:45 PM
...mm they do have a daughter together. I have to see her every weekend...

Well then you need to be the bigger person here and rise above it all and be a good step-mom to his daughter because like it or not she's part of the package.

I know it's hard since you are only 20 and tossed into that kind of mess but if he's worth it then you have to do what you have to do.

Don't let this ruin your day.

kateleestar
04-13-2011, 03:49 PM
No use crying over spilt milk.

Don't waste your energy on hating her- it's not worth it to harbor that hatred in your life. If anything feel sorry for her she screwed herself over because she lost a great guy that you are now with. Remember in all this that YOU made out- screw the fact he was married to her- it's in the past! Move on. If you truly feel this is affecting you that much you might want to go see a counselar or therapist in order to let things like this go because in the end it's not worth it to let yourself get so upset about this.

This.

Also, don't see her every weekend. If seeing her upsets you THAT MUCH, don't be around when she drops off/picks up the kid. She isnt worth it and isnt worth you being upset about.

Take a deep breath.

AND: :) You need to tell BF that if you don't talk things out, you bottle them up, and then if effects you physically. He needs to be okay with you talking things out, its part of a healthy relationship! :D

It will be okay! :D

MusicalJess
04-13-2011, 03:51 PM
Thanks for your advice. Just feel like this was the worst thing that could have possibly happened today. Stressful deadline, tired, long day and have argued a few times this week with him. Think I've blown it out of proportion. It wasn't a shock seeing that video. It was a shock it being on the disc I wanted for my coursework though. Its just that we went to his cousins wedding the other week and his parents and sister kept comparing it to his wedding in front of me. I got really upset then too. I know that we'll struggle to get married in a church with him having been married before and he has said that when we do get married he just wants to keep it small. But my family always have big traditional weddings. I want everyone to see the man I'm spending my life with. I want the "perfect wedding". All the trimmings, if you know what I mean. Its difficult not to want to place blame on the woman who got there first for taking that away from you.

beerab
04-13-2011, 04:06 PM
Its just that we went to his cousins wedding the other week and his parents and sister kept comparing it to his wedding in front of me. I got really upset then too.

His family was inconsiderate to do that but just realize they probably didn't mean to do it and if they did then don't let them get to you. People always compare weddings, it happens. I'd just let your bf know how you felt and hopefully in the future if you go to another wedding he can say "can we not compare my wedding right now?" and even just getting up and dancing with you can diffuse that situation without causing issues.

I know that we'll struggle to get married in a church with him having been married before and he has said that when we do get married he just wants to keep it small. But my family always have big traditional weddings. I want everyone to see the man I'm spending my life with. I want the "perfect wedding". All the trimmings, if you know what I mean. Its difficult not to want to place blame on the woman who got there first for taking that away from you.

Why is she taking that away from you? You aren't engaged, you haven't planned a wedding, etc. If you want a big wedding then have a big wedding.

So what if your bf says he wants to keep it small? That's where communication is key.

Tell him it's going to be your only wedding, tell him what you told us, how important it is to you and your family, if he's a great guy he'll understand and what you to have the wedding of your dreams.

Compromise also comes in here (compromise is a huge thing when it comes to marriage). If cost is a problem a big wedding doesn't have to cost a fortune. I had 200 people at my wedding and by keeping all costs down I was able to spend only $15,000 (which my parents paid). If your family wants a huge wedding for you then hopefully they are willing to pay for it so it doesn't put stress on you or your bf.

Girl you need to relieve some stress I hope you feel better talking it out and maybe this weekend you can do something to alleviate some stress!

MusicalJess
04-13-2011, 04:14 PM
Why is she taking that away from you? You aren't engaged, you haven't planned a wedding, etc.

You see.... this is where I get really confused... About 3 months after we got together he asked me to marry him. He didn't have a ring (couldn't afford one) but promised as soon as he could he'd buy me one. That was before I knew he'd been married before. But still...

Last year he got some money through (About 1300) and he paid off a few things like bills etc...but wasted the rest. No ring.

He keeps insisting he wants to marry me but since that day he has never again spoken about it (if that makes sense). He says he wants to marry me, etc..But other than that its all talk. He asked me to marry him, so we're engaged I guess, but we're also not. Because we're not planning a wedding. Its as though he never proposed...

Oh my god. I must sound mental. But my head is all over the place right now. What do you think it means?

MusicalJess
04-13-2011, 04:21 PM
:( I text him and told himwe need to talk about this because I'm really upest about it. And that I watched some of it...

His reply was "GET OUT YOU C**T". I can't talk to him. I can't cope with this when he isn't supportive at all.

nationalparker
04-13-2011, 04:26 PM
Jess - can I ask if you'd posted awhile ago about all the work you do, but your boyfriend doesn't lift a finger to help and you're doing all the childcare on the weekends, along with cleaning for the roomie too, all at 20 yrs old? I might be really mistaken, but I was thinking it was you... and if not i'm sorry and skip this. But if SO, I think there are a great deal of other issues that are worrying you and this just brought them all together to the forefront.

You can't make someone want to marry you - but it sounds like he's settling right in with being comfortable with you handling everything instead of more of a partnership.

Are you able to discuss things with him? Or does he shut down?

bargoo
04-13-2011, 04:26 PM
He had a life before he met you.
You had a life before you met him.
That is the way life is. His marriage and divorce had nothing to do with you . Try and be friends with his daughter, that can only benefit you.

nationalparker
04-13-2011, 04:28 PM
OK - just saw your earlier post which popped in while I was typing. To want a relationship with this person is to invite abuse. you will not have the perfect relationship/wedding/life. No one does, but especially not coming from someone who talks to you like that.

Love yourself first. Don't want to be in a relationship to BE IN one.

bargoo
04-13-2011, 04:31 PM
:( I text him and told himwe need to talk about this because I'm really upest about it. And that I watched some of it...

His reply was "GET OUT YOU C**T". I can't talk to him. I can't cope with this when he isn't supportive at all.

I didn't see this when I made my last post, but I am really shocked that he would talk to you that way. I am not defending him, not at all but he has probably had it with your crying. His marriage and divorce , in his eyes are over. Now you won't let go of it. It would be better for you if you let it stay in the past. We all have one.

MusicalJess
04-13-2011, 04:31 PM
@nationalparker-yes that was me.

He's saying he wants me to leave now. Lieke right now. I have nowhere to go. My parents live in Yorkshire (i.e.: not near here) and I don't drive. He's at work but will be back in about an hour and a half. I dunno what to do. I'm not horrible at all. I'd say I'm a really decent caring person, but he's just called me "rotten to the core". I think he has anger issues but he won't see anyone about it. I want to see a counsellor as I'm also struggling with a few family issues from my childhood and things with him get me down sometimes. But he doesn't want me to. What sould I do? :(

bargoo
04-13-2011, 04:34 PM
Why doesn't he leave ?

MusicalJess
04-13-2011, 04:37 PM
Because its his house. His mortgage. I just moved in...

MusicalJess
04-13-2011, 04:38 PM
*technically its the house him and his ex moved into together...hence why I'm finding things of hers EVERYWHERE! Christmas cards to each other, her wedding ring, photos of them together hidden behind the sofa when I went to hoover....Its like its never me and him. Shes always there.

bargoo
04-13-2011, 04:39 PM
If he is asking you to leave then that is what you should do . Do you have any friends that you can stay with until you find a place ?

MusicalJess
04-13-2011, 04:41 PM
No. I go to uni about 3 hours away (I get there on the train) and I dunno if trains run this late. Plus people are going home for easter now. and my family live wuite far away. I have nowhere. and not enough money to pay for a bnb or whatever...

nationalparker
04-13-2011, 04:42 PM
You know, I'm sure you don't want to read this, but Jess, this might be what you NEED - to get away from this situation for awhile. From your other posts, it seems like he just took advantage of you all the time - that it was more of a convenience thing for him since you handle everything - caregiving for his daughter, cleaning, cooking, etc. If he's that derogatory toward you, you need to step back and think why he would treat someone that way - we don't treat those we care for in that manner. I think he's enjoying someone there to do what he wants/needs, but isn't looking longterm anymore.

It will hurt to lose what you hope for in your future, but it sounds like you deserve so much more.

XLMuffnTop
04-13-2011, 04:44 PM
His marriage was the past. He probably doesn't want to talk about it because it hurts. It can cause a lot of shame to be cheated on, were you not good enough? nice enough? sexually unsatisfying? So, everytime you bring it up, he may go through all those feelings.

However, if it bothers you, you do need to have a discussion with him and just get it out there ONCE AND FOR ALL then be done with it. The ex may not be a nice person but you can't help that.

When you talk to him about this, you can mention the need for additional communication overall. You might try telling him more often when you need more help with the house, child, etc. and sometimes he may tell you he doesn't feel like talking about it. Also, no matter how frustrating he is, he is NOT allowed you talk to you like that and mature people just don't toss others on the street because they're bothering them.

Bottom line, he's an adult and needs to help/talk about these things. If you left, he would be responsible for taking care of his child, laundry, cooking, dishes, etc. so make sure he's not taking you for granted or taking advantage of you.

One more thing, if you want to get married someday make sure it's still on the table. No, you don't have to nail down a date and make plans, but DO make sure he's still open to the idea. If he said he never ever wanted to get married again, you would have to be ok with that or be prepared to go elsewhere.

Sorry this is a tad disjointed. I just wanted to give you an opinion on what I'd do in your situation before he gets there.

Good luck. You are worth standing up for so do so.

XLMuffnTop
04-13-2011, 04:47 PM
You know, I'm sure you don't want to read this, but Jess, this might be what you NEED - to get away from this situation for awhile. From your other posts, it seems like he just took advantage of you all the time - that it was more of a convenience thing for him since you handle everything - caregiving for his daughter, cleaning, cooking, etc. If he's that derogatory toward you, you need to step back and think why he would treat someone that way - we don't treat those we care for in that manner. I think he's enjoying someone there to do what he wants/needs, but isn't looking longterm anymore.

It will hurt to lose what you hope for in your future, but it sounds like you deserve so much more.

I agree X100000!!!

Even if he's hurt from the pain of the first relationship, he has no right to treat people the way it appears he's doing so to you.

My husband's previous marriage ended with his wife cheating and he was hurt for a long time. But, when we started dating, he knew I'm not her. I'm not going to make the same mistakes she did and therefore treats me accordingly!

A relationship doesn't mean one person is a doormat! Just remember that.

MusicalJess
04-13-2011, 04:51 PM
Ok. I'm confused. I'm texting him as I post on here. So I'll justcopy out that last few texts for you to read ok?

Him: I can't do this I'm sorry
Me: Do what?
Him: My life
Me: Dunno what to say
Him: Ok
Me: Sorry
Him: Me too x
Me: For?x
Him: Today x
Me: Ok x
Him: I'm hungry x
Me: How come?x
Him: Dunno. Love you x


We put x's on our texts when we got on. When we dont we leave them off...

I swear his moods jump from one extreme to another every 2 seconds.

MusicalJess
04-13-2011, 04:53 PM
We talked about that issue and I said if he wants something foing for him I want something in return. I said I can't deal with it all. And he huffed and pufed for a few days if I asjed him to domething but now he helps out a bit more. By a bit I mean he does the odd bit off washing up or hoovering...I get the odd cup of tea...still better than it was though

XLMuffnTop
04-13-2011, 04:59 PM
We talked about that issue and I said if he wants something foing for him I want something in return. I said I can't deal with it all. And he huffed and pufed for a few days if I asjed him to domething but now he helps out a bit more. By a bit I mean he does the odd bit off washing up or hoovering...I get the odd cup of tea...still better than it was though

Is "better than it was" enough to make you happy for the rest of your life?

sacha
04-13-2011, 04:59 PM
...mm they do have a daughter together. I have to see her every weekend...

And I was thinking about getting a hammer. But I've got a pair of scissors and am cutting it up into as many pieces as I possible

Sorry, am I misunderstanding this or are you destroying his wedding video? That's outrageous. You have no right to do that.

Look, I'll be blunt. You are clearly not mature enough to handle being in a relationship with someone who was previously married and had a child. That's okay. You are young and do not need to take that on if you are not ready.

He was incorrect to not tell you in the beginning - but you chose to stay and that's that. Your actions after seeing this video are not okay. Him calling you a c*nt is not okay. It's time for you to move and do some growing/maturing. And for him to do the same.

MusicalJess
04-13-2011, 05:03 PM
He asked me to destroy the video this morning. (I meant to say that) but I didn't.

MusicalJess
04-13-2011, 05:04 PM
Better than it was is good enough for now. If I forced him to do half I think things would not work out very well. Baby steps...

nationalparker
04-13-2011, 05:06 PM
Don't get caught wanting a relationship because it's A RELATIONSHIP. I know several young women who have done that - wanted to be with someone and they took abuse and disrespect because, after all, they were with someone regardless of how they were treated.

What do YOU want to change? Do you see what you want happening? Realistically? If he "can't" discuss things at this point, then ... that says a lot.
You're young and it sounds like you're being manipulated. Go away, come here, I hate you, i love you.

XLMuffnTop
04-13-2011, 05:10 PM
But take your boyfriend and his daughter, ex wife and all baggage out of the equation.

What do YOU want from a relationship and marriage for the rest of your entire life, for the rest of your days?

Do you want someone to help 50/50? Want your own kids? Marriage? Career? Stay at home? Think about these things first then decide if he fulfills them.

People rarely change long term. I may be jaded but far too many times I've seen people improve just enough to get someone off their back then slide right back into their old ways. You need to come to terms with the man he is now or leave.

I may be out of line saying this but based on some of your posts (which granted, are one sided) I think you'd be better off on your own. You grow a lot in your early 20s and it's hard to make a decision for the next 50 or so years.

MusicalJess
04-13-2011, 05:12 PM
I know this sounds crazy but I love him. I want to be with him. I know all these things are blips. I know I was stupid to watch the video. But his response was insane. I think at this point its his anger I want to deal with. And the way his emotions flip. I can deal with either (well, just about) but its the way he changes suddenly between them. His ex is difficult. She texts and phones him day and night. She sends him jokes and chats away to him. And then....She starts being an absolute b*tch. Likejust now. She has Grace in the week. We have her at weekends. She has decided she doesn't see Grace enough!!!!!!! So now we're only allowed her every other weekend. I'm not fighting her (bf wont allow it cos he she will make his life ****). And he cant say anything or she threatens to take Grace away for good!! She's messed up. Theres alot of complication within this relationship. I love him. I just get so mad sometimes!!

sacha
04-13-2011, 05:13 PM
Realistically, if you are going to be with someone who is divorced and has a child, then you need to get over that he has a past and to not speak about/disrespect the mother. That's my opinion as a wife and mother. If my husband was to leave me tomorrow then fine, but I would expect that any future step-mother of my child was mature enough to realize what she is getting into and to respect that I will ALWAYS have a relationship with the father of my child. A child that will always be more important than any boyfriend or girlfriend. You may not like her, you may hate her, but she will be in his life forever and if you cannot accept that in a mature and respectful manner, then you need to move on. You are not her mother and you never will be, so when you are young and over-stepping your bounds by getting involved in their parenting, you are going to 'anger the beast', so to speak.

He is who he is. You cannot change him into a forever-bachelor with no past and no children. If that's what you want then you must find someone else. His past is part of who he is.

CrystalZ10
04-13-2011, 05:14 PM
I HATE seeing pics of my husband with his ex or any pics that might have been taken by his ex. I know they are in the past and he's with me, but I despise thinking about them and their life together.
One time she gave us a bunch of old pics of him and all his family and she left pics of them together in there on purpose and it sent me over the edge for a bit.
Another issue was a pic of his daughter and her soccer team, but his ex(her mom) was in it too and it was on our shelf in the living room next to our wedding picture. It bugged me and I asked him to remove it and he didn't do it. I wound up placing it in my stepdaughters room along with all the other pics of her mom as well as her dad.
Its normal for some of us to be really uncomfortable with a romantic past of our loved ones, but its part of the past, not the future.

Just be careful though. Deal with the emotions but don't take it out on him. He was married and left her and is with you so remind him why he picked you. Hugs!

MusicalJess
04-13-2011, 05:16 PM
I know what I want. I know I'm young to know but I do know for sure.

I want to finish my degree. I then want to do a post-grad teaching certificate and start looking for a teaching job. After working for at least a year or 2 I then want to get married and start trying for a baby. And I want to have a family of my own. I want to be a mum. I want to try for custody of Grace. And I just want a simple life.

Thats what he wants to (although he wants to go back to uni and get a degree once I'm working full-time). And I know thats what will make us happy. We want a nice house, kids, happiness...thats all. We've talked about THAT! We've talked about our life together a coupla times.

MusicalJess
04-13-2011, 05:24 PM
I'm dealing with it now. Just had a crazy moment. I don't appreciate my maturity being questioned. I know what I've got myself into and I had plenty of oppurtunities to walk away so although I may only be 20 do not treat me like an idiot. I'm not Graces mother. I never will be. You are right. But I'm a **** of alot of a better one than her own. Her mum takes her to nursery one of the 4 days a week she is supposed to go. She wastes her money on tattoos and frilly pretty things while grace eats junk out a tin thats cheap. She isn't progressing with her reading and numbers except for what I teach her at a weekend....I feel like you're doing a lot of assuming about the situatiuon here sacha

And Crystal. Its so good to know someone feels the same. There are loads of pics of her here. I dunno why he hasn't got rid but I'm certainly not doing it without his permission. She is not a very nice person in my opinion. The way she treats her daughter upsets me so much.

XLMuffnTop
04-13-2011, 05:30 PM
I don't think anyone intends to hurt your feelings.

I can only speak from my past experiences. When I was in my early 20s, I knew exactly what I wanted and whom I wanted to marry. We'd been together for five years. After we broke up, I became a totally different person even down to my political views! :)

It's not that you're "immature" there's just so much life out there to experience that can shape who you are and what you want to do with your life. I didn't mean to be condecending. Its just something I would say to any friend sitting across from me with the same feelings. :hug:

sacha
04-13-2011, 05:35 PM
I'm not assuming anything. You are the one who is here criticizing her mother, saying you want to go for custody when realistically, you are this guy's girlfriend and you really have no right to say those things about her. Their relationship and their parenting decisions are between them, and for every time you criticize her, you do a lot of damage to the child. If you think you can hide that hate forever from the child, think again.

If you think that it is acceptable behaviour then yes, you do have a lot of growing up to do. You are the one who came here and said, "Am I a crazy person?" - no, of course you are not crazy, but you are not at all acting in a mature manner.

I think you only want to hear what you want to hear, so don't worry, I will not offer any more advice.

And I was once a 20 year old girlfriend of a guy with 2 kids and a 'psycho' ex-wife. Believe me, I see exactly how you feel about her and exactly why you think you are better than her. But in time, you may realize that we don't always know everything and especially when you become a mother yourself, that things are not so black & white and that our judgmental criticisms of our step-children's other parent is completely unacceptable.

MusicalJess
04-13-2011, 05:44 PM
Ok. thanks. I think people think that age and maturity go together. Maturity comes from experience and I, to be honest, have had more experiences (especially with realtionships ) than alot of people much older than me. I won't go into it all now. I don't think theres any call for me to to broadcast alot of my more personal experiences. This is just something that happened that made me feel a little insane. And recently I've found that posting on here helps me sort my head out. I'm not crazy (well I don't think so :p ) But this just got to me. Its hard to explain. Its just one of those things that makes complete sense in my head, but to anyone else sounds strange.

At the end of the day I want to marry this bloke. Perfect of not. I love him. I want children with him. And I want to still wake up next to him every day when I'm in my 80's. And he wants to marry me (i think) and we want the same things. This is a blip. This is probably us just getting used to living together still and irritating the **** out of each other. Things can't be sparkly and fun all the time. This is a phase that will pass. His ex bothers me. Mainly because I think she is a complete nut job (but thats a completely different story). My boyf has a foul mouth and a temper. I know that. And I'm used to it. To be really honest when I get angry I give just as much as I get. But we don't go to bed disagreeing. We always cuddle before we sleep and we tell each other that we love each other every day. No relationship is perfect. Evryone has issues. I think this thread is just me blowing up about ALL of those issues in one go. So its very possible that title is extremely appropriate :) In fact I've decided that I'm gonna come back to this thread whenever I feel a bit "crazy" as I feel so much better after having got everything off my chest. I know I'm every bit as mental as he is. Anyone who says they're not just a little bit insane is either lying or boring :P I dunno. Sorry I went a bit cuckoo on you guys. But I love this forum! I feel like I can get all my worries out on it. And I feel strangely comfortable telling my worries to complete strangers....Maybe because I don't have to look you all in the eye everyday....???

So sorry, thanks, and I'm sure I'll post some more crrrraaazzzyyyy very soon.

Nola Celeste
04-13-2011, 09:05 PM
Sorry, am I misunderstanding this or are you destroying his wedding video? That's outrageous. You have no right to do that.

(snipped for brevity)

He was incorrect to not tell you in the beginning - but you chose to stay and that's that. Your actions after seeing this video are not okay. Him calling you a c*nt is not okay. It's time for you to move and do some growing/maturing. And for him to do the same.


This. This. This this this.

You cannot destroy part of another person's past and think it is at all acceptable. I don't care how she behaves. She's his daughter's mother and she will always have a place in his life. You cannot erase their marriage. I'm saying this as someone who was married before. My current husband was actually AT my wedding to my first husband. He was not why that marriage ended, but he was who I wound up with after all the dust had settled--and he not only had a picture here and there to deal with, he actually witnessed the wedding.

He got over it. He knows I'm over it. It was seventeen years ago. In the grand scheme of my life, my husband's life, and even my ex's life, it was nothing. All of us have gone on to be happy people.

Please, get over his past and deal with his present. In the present, he has a daughter and you need to find a way to deal with that fact. Period. If you EVER make it a choice between seeing his daughter (and his daughter's mother) and you, he will choose his child. Always. And he should, because kids are more important than girlfriends.

On the flip side of things, he called you That Word. I have literally never been called that by anyone who didn't hate my guts. My ex-husband didn't call me that. It's your choice if you want to allow that to happen, but...well, all I can say is that it's a verbal punch in the face. Women who get punched in the face once, I can understand because hey, who knew he was an abusive monster? Women who stick around to get punched in the face repeatedly and wind up in a police station with a busted lip crying, "B-b-b-ut I LOVE him!" and not pressing charges, I admit I cannot understand.

Verbal abuse isn't the same as physical abuse, but it's still abusive. If your "happily ever after" involves being called a c*nt when you displease His Majesty, then you are welcome to that particular fractured fairy tale.

I wish you the best of luck in life.

LisaP916
04-13-2011, 09:40 PM
Look, I'll be blunt. You are clearly not mature enough to handle being in a relationship with someone who was previously married and had a child. That's okay. You are young and do not need to take that on if you are not ready.

I have to agree with this. As I read these posts, you just sound like a kid in love with being in love but not able to handle an actual relationship.

You're 20. Finish school. Establish your own life. Don't settle for someone else's life.

WhitePicketFences
04-14-2011, 01:17 PM
Well, I'll put aside the age thing (I don't have much to say to that, since my husband & I were engaged at age 20).

And the wedding video thing (which is to be kept for the daughter, I would think, but that's their decision).

One thing jumps out at me. You write him something about your feelings and really, it doesn't even matter what you were communicating, something banal or something dramatic, whatever -- but you get a message back that says GET OUT YOU C--- ?!

Um. Yeah, get out -- whatever you have to do, a friend's, a motel, whatever -- and be glad. What is this? I am seeing more and more of this here. Why would anyone communicate with a man who writes this to them? How is this normal behavior in anyone's world?

CrystalZ10
04-14-2011, 01:18 PM
@nationalparker-yes that was me.

He's saying he wants me to leave now. Lieke right now. I have nowhere to go. My parents live in Yorkshire (i.e.: not near here) and I don't drive. He's at work but will be back in about an hour and a half. I dunno what to do. I'm not horrible at all. I'd say I'm a really decent caring person, but he's just called me "rotten to the core". I think he has anger issues but he won't see anyone about it. I want to see a counsellor as I'm also struggling with a few family issues from my childhood and things with him get me down sometimes. But he doesn't want me to. What sould I do? :(

This might be hard to follow so bear with me.

From his point of view, he is at work and everything is fine, until he gets a text/call from you about his forgotten wedding video..he tells you to snap it and toss it, and thinks that the situation is delt with. Than suddenly your crying and upset and talking to him at work, and he hasn't done anything wrong and he snaps and calls you names and to get out.

My question is this..Do you always get mad at him when you find her stuff? Cause if so, when you mentioned the wedding vid, he probably tensed up and waited for you to go off the deep end. He is going to come to a point where he will get tired of you crying and getting angry over each reminder of her, and he will be serious about you leaving, so you need to either leave or learn to deal with this better. :hug:

He didn't do anything wrong, was married, and now isn't. Telling you to snap the video means there is no emotional attachment to her or her stuff, but he's a bit lazy and not much of a housekeeper, so her stuff is still all around the house. So maybe you need to comb the house over, gather all her stuff up into some boxes, and than discuss what to do with them, ONCE HE IS HOME AND RELAXED..not pestering him at work. You might offer to give them back to her since they are hers, and the house will be rid of her.

But in the end of it all, no matter how upsetting it is to know they were married (And trust me, i do understand how you feel.), you have to put your big girl pants on (LOL) and not be outwardly upset with him or treat him badly. I still cringe at times mentaly over stuff about my husband and his ex, but I have NEVER displayed any negative emotion about it, other than asking him to remove the one pic of her to his daughters room. When he didn't, I did it quietly, and he never noticed it which shows that it wasn't an issue for him. Back to you now...

His temper flares are unexcusable though...Does he go off all the time? Or just when you get upset over her and finding her stuff? Maybe once you calm down and don't confront him, he will calm down too. If not, than I'm not sure I would want to marry a person like that.

Your only 20 right? Your not done changing yet. One thing my DH's ex told me was that they married young and by the time she got older, she knew she had changed and didn't want him anymore..You may not want forever with this guy in a few years and your not married to him either. Take your time with him and really look hard at your life and see if this is what you want forever.

One last thing..if you do stay and try to make some real changes, than be careful with his daughter. NEVER ever say anything negative about mommy in front of her, or anything negative to daddy either. She will look at you like an evil person and be uncomfortable around you. If you try to stay positive at all times around her and show her that you and her dad are in a stable happy relationship, than as she grows up, she will see that mommy isn't what she is making herself out to be. Even if she doesn't, and quiet and happy atmosphere will make her feel safe and secure no matter where she lives.

Sorry this turned out so long...just wanted to add my last two bits...I do understand how you feel and I hope what I said didn't come across as mean. Its advice I had to take myself a few years ago and I am 36 so its not an age thing. Good luck sweetie. :hug:

fitness4life
04-14-2011, 01:53 PM
I think its because he never told me he'd been married until we had been together 6 months. And when he told me it really upset me. Mainly because I was only 19 at the time and marriage was (and still is) a big deal. I know he was married. And he is now divorced. Its just that she's always around (as she is the mother of his child) and I hate her. I hate to think of her near him. And she cheated on him within 2 months of them getting married. I hate her. I dunno. I'm really messed up. I wish I didn't watch the video :( Well. I really wish I'd never found the video if I'm honest.

It's like a car wreck. Or road kill. Curiosity makes it nearly impossible not to look. Forgive yourself. You did nothing wrong. And neither did he.

beerab
04-14-2011, 02:21 PM
I think if you want to make this relationship work you guys need counseling. Obviously you BOTH have issues. It sounds like he has anger issues and you have issues in the relationship together AND you have your own insecurity issues.

When my husband found out he had MS he developed anger issues to the point I couldn't speak to him and I thought we were going to get a divorce. It took a toll on our marriage and at one point I was walking on eggshells. We went to his doctor and we talked about what was going on and the doctor put him on Lexapro to take the edge off AND we both went to marriage counseling. We are pretty sure my husband was going through depression and with the counseling we were able to change things and our marriage has been fine ever since. I'm not saying he needs drugs but you both need to take steps to correct the problems you have and now before it gets worse. There is no shame in seeking a professional to make your relationship stronger.

I wouldn't dismiss what he said, I wouldn't dismiss what you are saying about how he doesn't help out (um yeah specially with HIS kid who isn't even YOURS), etc.

I highly suggest you get the counseling or you'll never be truly happy in your relationship and things like this will continue to pop up.

dragonlady1978
04-14-2011, 03:03 PM
I'm sorry, but at 20 someone trying to warn you that you might not be mature enough to handle this situation-after you have explained in detail your very immature reactions to a VERY serious situation-is not an insult. It is merely an observation and a warning from those who have been there. You say you have loads of experience with relationships, but the years say otherwise.

You have had MAYBE 2 years in your life that you have had the possibility for mature relationships, and that is if you are the exception to the rule. Most people your age haven't even begun down the road towards the maturity required to handle a situation like this with tact.

How old could this child possibly be that you are admonishing the mother for not teaching her to read yet? And pardon my bluntness here, but who in the heck do you think you are to be talking about trying to take custody away from the mother of this child? How do you know you can be a better mother?

There is NO bond like that between mother and child, and for that reason alone you are going to have to have a very different attitude about it or you are going to lose this battle. Tensions can run high when the family dynamics change. Divorce is rarely a pretty picture. You can't expect to like her and vice versa right off the bat, especially if you aren't even willing to refrain from questioning her parenting and think you can take away her child. If some woman dating the father of my children acted like that towards me, I would make it my mission in life to make her miserable and get rid of her by any means necessary....if I allowed her to live. I would lie, steal, cheat, and kill for my kids. If you are acting in a way that is going to end up having a negative effect on this child and her relationship with her parents, you are asking for trouble and doing this innocent little girl a terrible disservice.

Munchy
04-14-2011, 04:16 PM
And I was once a 20 year old girlfriend of a guy with 2 kids and a 'psycho' ex-wife. Believe me, I see exactly how you feel about her and exactly why you think you are better than her. But in time, you may realize that we don't always know everything and especially when you become a mother yourself, that things are not so black & white and that our judgmental criticisms of our step-children's other parent is completely unacceptable.

I was an early twenties girlfriend of a guy with two kids and two psycho exes. It all changed once he and I had a child and later got divorced. It was suddenly clear to me that the women may not have been the crazy one in the relationship, especially because he spoke to me (and further escalated behaviors) the way your boyfriend speaks to you.

As an example of our misconstruing situations, I recall commenting on my ex step daughter's clothing (read: commenting on her mom sending her that way) and how it was too small, stained, etc. Little did I know, her dad doesn't return clothing after visitation and clothes are expensive to replace over and over. I send my child to her dad's in the cheapest clothing I can find, even if it's a bit ill fitting because it will not return with her.

It's all about the perspective. Take it from me, the abusive behavior doesn't stop, it just gets worse until you decide you either want to live with it or leave.

:hug:

NiteNicole
04-14-2011, 04:50 PM
I was an early twenties girlfriend of a guy with two kids and two psycho exes. It all changed once he and I had a child and later got divorced. It was suddenly clear to me that the women may not have been the crazy one in the relationship, especially because he spoke to me (and further escalated behaviors) the way your boyfriend speaks to you.

As an example of our misconstruing situations, I recall commenting on my ex step daughter's clothing (read: commenting on her mom sending her that way) and how it was too small, stained, etc. Little did I know, her dad doesn't return clothing after visitation and clothes are expensive to replace over and over. I send my child to her dad's in the cheapest clothing I can find, even if it's a bit ill fitting because it will not return with her.

It's all about the perspective. Take it from me, the abusive behavior doesn't stop, it just gets worse until you decide you either want to live with it or leave.

:hug:

Quoted because it's worth repeating!!!

If you're willing for every day of the rest of your life to be like this one, then by all means, keep on. You watched a video (a wedding video, people were AT the wedding, it's not like it's private or anything) and he responds by calling you THAT WORD and telling you to get out. That? Is not reasonable behavior. If you're willing to be treated like this then certainly, get married. Have babies with them. Do all the work yourself.

People don't change, and they certainly don't change because someone else wants them to.

You don't want to hear it but you're SO young. Why are you living with him at all? Why not date for a nice LONG while and see how you get along, then consider moving forward? You're three hours away from your university which makes me think you moved for him. What has he done for you?

Maybe we all have it all wrong, but his reaction is all out of proportion to your action and that makes no sense. I don't know you or him, maybe this is out of character but please don't read harsh words and read it as a criticism of you. I know you feel like you have a lot of life experience but as someone with *e-hem* a little more (old old old), most of have dated guys who were wrong for us at one point and we probably passionately loved them, that doesn't mean they were right for us. Any guy who is going to kick you out over watching a video of a wedding (really, it's not like you found the video of the wedding NIGHT and decided to watch IT) - that's worrying.

Coondocks
04-14-2011, 05:06 PM
I'm dealing with it now. Just had a crazy moment. I don't appreciate my maturity being questioned. I know what I've got myself into and I had plenty of oppurtunities to walk away so although I may only be 20 do not treat me like an idiot. I'm not Graces mother. I never will be. You are right. But I'm a **** of alot of a better one than her own. Her mum takes her to nursery one of the 4 days a week she is supposed to go. She wastes her money on tattoos and frilly pretty things while grace eats junk out a tin thats cheap. She isn't progressing with her reading and numbers except for what I teach her at a weekend....I feel like you're doing a lot of assuming about the situatiuon here sacha

And Crystal. Its so good to know someone feels the same. There are loads of pics of her here. I dunno why he hasn't got rid but I'm certainly not doing it without his permission. She is not a very nice person in my opinion. The way she treats her daughter upsets me so much.

This is not meant as an attack on you, but you are making a lot of assumptions yourself.
Unless you are physically there to witness what the ex wife does or does not do with her child, her time, her money etc, you are listening to what you're BF tells you - which Im sorry, but is going to be skewed.
He is absolutely correct in telling you not to fight with her - it's not your business. Yes you live together, you are in a relationship, you care for his child (Im not evern getting into why you are looking after her on weekends and teaching her things her father shoudl be) BUT fact is fact, you aren't married, you are not her stepmother, it is not your place to be saying anything to her mother - at all.
If you want to discuss your concerns with your boyfriend, that's another issue, but he WILL always have a relationship with this woman because they have a child and any drama that you bring to it will ultimately effect the daughter the most.
Everyone involved needs to grow up, show a little respect to eachother in this situation it seems like.

cherrypie
04-14-2011, 06:14 PM
I'm a stepmom and never thought I would be. I don't think anyone does when they are in their 20's. I decided early on that my stepson was part of my family and to some extent that included his mother. I've always treated her like a sister in law that I didn't pick, but am stuck with none the less. It's worked out really well and I'd recommend it to anyone.

and I can understand where your boyfriends frustration comes with. How many times is he supposed to try to apolagize for the fact that he was married before? Try to imagine it on the other foot and he was upset over something in your past. You can't change the past so what are you supposed to do about it exactly. Is he supposed to wish his daughter had never been born so you feel better? Remember his past, including his marriage is what made him the man you love.

I agree with the above poster, go through the house and put all the pictures of her and stuff that reminds you of her away. Don't throw them out just pack them away so you don't have to see them. Then get one of just the daughter and the ex wife and put it in the daughter's room.

Nola Celeste
04-14-2011, 06:54 PM
Another thing I just thought about regarding destroying images of the ex's life with your boyfriend--life doesn't always go as we expect it to, and mementos are important to have. It's a sad fact that sometimes people die younger than they should, and sometimes those people are parents.

If, heaven forfend, the ex meets an untimely end, your jealous act of destruction has pre-emptively robbed this girl of a memento of her parents. The more I think about it, the more inexcusable I find it that you did such a thing. What I wouldn't give for any video of any of my relatives who are gone now--all I have are photos.

Poor Grace. :(

CrystalZ10
04-15-2011, 01:34 AM
Another thing I just thought about regarding destroying images of the ex's life with your boyfriend--life doesn't always go as we expect it to, and mementos are important to have. It's a sad fact that sometimes people die younger than they should, and sometimes those people are parents.

If, heaven forfend, the ex meets an untimely end, your jealous act of destruction has pre-emptively robbed this girl of a memento of her parents. The more I think about it, the more inexcusable I find it that you did such a thing. What I wouldn't give for any video of any of my relatives who are gone now--all I have are photos.

Poor Grace. :(


I am certain that his ex probably has a copy and HE told her to snap it. she didn't do it out of rage or anything.

Nola Celeste
04-15-2011, 02:07 AM
I am certain that his ex probably has a copy and HE told her to snap it. she didn't do it out of rage or anything.

I hope so. Kids aren't responsible for their parents' bad behavior and it isn't right to deny an innocent child access to an important memory. I grieve for pictures that I no longer have; to think that someone would take priceless family memories away intentionally is just unconscionable.

krampus
04-15-2011, 02:35 AM
This is all very "Jeremy Kyle" to be honest. I hope you and your man find help, counseling, a break, something, because no one is winning here.

MissSMcC
04-15-2011, 07:54 AM
i'm 25, and when i was 19 i met a man that i spent 5 years with. we split on boxing day last year after being engaged for about 4 years. i once found a love note from one of his ex's, i got upset, he tore it up and called me the C word. he didn't like to communicate. but it was fine because i 'loved' him and i got the odd cup of tea and he washed up once in a while... (starting to sound familiar?)

please do not let yourself be sat where i am 5 years from now. i have no idea why i stayed with him for as long as i did. you cannot paper over this. why do you love him? do you want to marry him or do you just want to get married? are you really in love with him, or love itself?

whether you avoid my shoes by ending this relationship before you end up where i am, or by FIXING the problems (not the ex, she's there to stay and there's nothing you can do about it) ie. communication, respect and the balance of the relationship, you have to do something.

shannonmb
04-15-2011, 09:15 AM
Jess, I want to send you a big :hug:. I really, really hope that you will take what everyone is saying with a good spirit, because I know no one is trying to insult or hurt you.

This may sound really condescending, and I really don't mean it to be. But my 10 year old daughter is SURE she knows all about everything. I'm pretty sure she thinks that no matter what I say, she knows what's best, there's not much room for growth, she knows how she feels about things, knows what she wants. I think about a teenage girl I knew in high school who committed suicide because, I guess, she was SURE her heart and mind would never change. When I was 20 years old, I sure as heck knew that the douche-bag I was hooked up with was THE ONE. He sure seemed to go out of his way to ruin a lot of things in my life, but at the time, boy oh boy was I sure I wanted to have his children someday. (BTW, thank GOD I didn't!) After that relationship ended, I was basically an emotional stalker with my next boyfriend. I'm not saying that's what you are, but man, I remember constantly being like, "Here's how I"m FEELING, we need to talk about this ad-nauseum, I need to pour my heart out to you in a 10 page letter, blah blah blah blah blah.

I'm 40 years old, and seems the older I get, the more I realize how much I'm still learning about myself, the world, relationships (been with my hubby 15+ years and still learning), my reaction to things. Life is very fluid, it ebbs and flows, and the way you think about things at one point, you may laugh at and REALLY question 5 years later.

I hope no one is trying to insult you by telling you you need to mature some. It's not a slam! From my experience, the people who yell "I'M MATURE" the loudest are the ones who probably have the most growing up to do. I have no opinion on what you should do in your current situation, but I will tell you to keep an open mind on your future. May well be that in 10 years you will look back and think, "Wow, what a wreck THAT relationship was!" OR, you could both grow up and be living a happy life. Keep an open mind, girl!! :hug:

MusicalJess
04-15-2011, 10:18 AM
Thanks. If I'm honest I'm starting to really question if I want to be with him. I love him, blah blah etc etc...But last night after work I asked for a back rub. And I really wish I didn't bother because he started on saying he'll put as much effort into it as he thinks I put into things for him. So I said just don't bother. We watched tv and that and then went to bed. I cuddled him a bit even though he was too bus playing on his phone. Turned over and lo and behold no back rub.

If he had asked for a back rub I would have done it. Even if I was tired or whatever. I'd do that for him. This morning he went to pick Grace up and I stayed at home. He was gone for well over an hour (even though is about 20 mins each way...but whatever, they probably needed to discuss summat) and in that time I cleared the living room, sorted Graces room out as her new bed (that I'm paying for btw) is being delivered, put washing on etc....When he got back he wanted to know why his breakfast wasn't ready for him as he started work at 12 and we were running out of time. He didn't thank me for it. Nothing.

I've just booked and paid for the cinema for the 3 of us for tomorrow. No thanks. I've been making easter trees, playing with his daughter in the garden, cooking her lunch, cleaning....you get the gist. And he has yet to thank me for having her. Even though this is my first day to myself in ages. And I really fancy a long soak in the bath and to pamper myself a bit.

I know I'm probably just moaning because these things aren't really significant. I love having Grace really. I love spending time with her. But thats not the point is it? Me having her today means that he gets time with her this evening, as would finish work too late to fetch her this evening. I just feel like he expects me to pay for things when I can't afford it. I need new underwear and clothes as they're all too big now. But can't afford any as I put Graces new clothes and things like that first. He never even offered to pay any towards her bed. I had to ask and he just said cos he paid for our bed I should pay for hers...

I think he is stuck in this mindset that he's the man and because he works full time I should do the housework and look after the little 'un.

But I work too (admittedly its only part-time) and I go to uni too. I always wonder why I'm exhausted 24-7..but is it any wonder??

I dunno what to do. I love him. He makes me laugh and protects me and helps me through things. But he also drives me insane, gets really angry and scary sometimes, he's lazy, he spends too much time on the computer and on his phone instead of talking to me, he hates spending his money but loves spending mine.... I know everyone in a relationship has issues with their partner. And I'm no different. But the thing that gets me is when we argue he has called me fat before. I know I am...but thats not the point. I don't call him that even though he is overweight. And he's becoming less and less interested in me....Its hard to explain everything. This is probably really disjointed and what not. But sometimes I hate him. He upsets me and he takes me fore granted and he just isn't interested in me. But then he DOES help out. I know he gets tired and I make excuses for him and he seems like the best boyfriend in the world... :( I just dunno what to do.

MusicalJess
04-15-2011, 10:19 AM
And can I just say also that what I did isn't evil. He ASKED me to destroy the DVD. And both his and her parents have copies. I would NEVER destroy something belonging to someone else without their permission.