I have complained about this before, took all of your advice, but nothing is changing. I’m having this problem with a couple friends and now it’s spilling over into my work place. I guess I’ll just bullet point what’s happened recently.
>> A friend I work with is on-line dating. I am always her “wing-man”. She met up with a date over the weekend and I asked if she went alone. She said, “No. I asked L to come”. Feeling a little dejected I asked why and she said, “Because I don’t want to see the disappointment on their face when they realize they are there to meet me and not you.”.
>> A woman who works down the hall stopped by my desk this morning and was telling me how noticeable my weight loss is and how good I am looking. As she said this, a coworker/friend walked by and rolled her eyes.
>> A group of girls that typically ask me to join them for lunch haven’t asked me in a while. I don’t know why…..but I can only assume. And I hate that I assume the worst.
I am very conscientious about what I say, how I act and what I wear. I never gloat. If anything, I minimize the success I have had. Or not react much when someone goes overboard about it when they make comments. I want to stay friends with my work pals. I need them. None of my non-work friends can really understand where I am coming from when I vent about so-and-so from work or other things going on. Our department is divided into two groups -- the younger generation and older generation. I’m comfortable with the older generation. But now it seems like it’s young vs. old and drilled down even further to fat vs. not-so-fat & thin. I fit in nowhere. I’m even getting to the point where if I am with a coworker I pray that I don’t run into anyone that’ll make a “Wow, look at you!” comment.
I don’t know. I just feel so lost today. I just need to come to terms with the fact that this isn't really about me as much as it is about them battling their own emotional demons.
The only good news is I haven’t lost my resolve. I still want to lose these last stubborn pounds and do the work I need to do to maintain.
What a bunch of jealous b*tches.
Obviously they have no idea how hard you've worked to get where you are.
F 'em. Any chance you can make new friends? You seem fantastic. They're just draggin' you down because they're losers and want to bring you down to their level.
Sometimes you just have to realize that you can't change others actions, only your reaction. You have lost 40 pounds in just over 3 months, right? Plus you are not very tall, making the weight loss even more dramatic looking. I think that is probably why you are experiencing so much attention, both negative and positive. When it is slower, everyone has more time to adjust to the attention. Maybe the friends assumed you didn't want to go to lunch with them anymore, so perhaps ask them to lunch. The eye-roller, well she is probably just the office biotch. And the on-line dater....well, it is about her own insecurity, not about you.
I do want to mention too that I have been on the other end of this spectrum. Last year my mom and a friend were losing weight and looking fabulous. I would give them kudos but inside I was secretly pissed off. First at them and then at myself when I realized my anger was misdirected. So I truly do understand what they are feeling. I guess I never realized how bad being on this end could be.
I adore my friends. Especially because they have (or still do) struggle with weight. They get it, you know? Just because I lost some weight doesn't mean this won't be a battle of mine for the rest of my life.
Yes....I'm going to invite them to lunch and see what happens. But that will include the eye roller. She's one of them.
It is a tough situation that I also deal with. Just yesterday I was at the YMCA next to the so-called friend who gives me grief when we ran into a woman we haven't seen in some time. This woman went on and on about how young I looked, great I looked, etc. And, the Commenter smirked, "Notice how the first thing she lost was her boobs? This happens every time she loses weight!" Well the other woman looked stunned, but answered, to me, "You look absolutely gorgeous!"
My husband has decided that the Commenter has become my incentive! It was her idea for us to start this diet, which she never continued. Now, every time I feel like having a few drinks or eating every ice cream bar in the freezer, I think of her!
Wouldn't she hate to know she is my incentive? My husband thinks I should put HER photo on our refrigerator ! ! !
My husband has decided that the Commenter has become my incentive! It was her idea for us to start this diet, which she never continued. Now, every time I feel like having a few drinks or eating every ice cream bar in the freezer, I think of her!
Wouldn't she hate to know she is my incentive? My husband thinks I should put HER photo on our refrigerator ! ! !
That is not really a bad idea I kind of like it
I have an issue with a sabotager at my office. She said I am just board and need to get a hobby istead of losing weight. She tell me I need to be happy the way I am. She bring me (just me) doughnuts, cupcakes, or chineese takeout, all of which I secretly toss. She always asks "how much have you lost" but I never tell her (i just started weighting myself last monthso I pretend I still don't) She got mad at me for donating my old clothes instead of giving them to her.
She is my friend so I just laugh it off, but I really want to scream.
You said it yourself: "I just need to come to terms with the fact that this isn't really about me as much as it is about them battling their own emotional demons."
Be the grown up, you've already admitted you know what it feels like to be on the other end, e.g. when others have lost weight and you were pissed off. Kill 'em with kindness, let the shiny new you let them know that you are still their friend, then if they don't want to continue then it's their loss. Be positive, smile & speak, especially to the eye roller . . . their true colors will come out eventually. They may also feel "lost" because now you do not fit in the "overweight" group, but show them that it doesn't matter if they're overweight or not, you are their friend. Just because you've worked hard to get where you are and because there are a few negative nellies doesn't mean you don't belong. There also seem to be a lot of positive affirmation in and out of work . . . so focus on that for a while, even if it's in your own head and heart
Unfortunately, I think almost everyone here has lost a friend or two to this mentality, including me . . . I just think it is soooo sad that some people are so insecure that they would think I am NOT their friend just because I'm working hard to get healthy and just happen to be getting skinnier at the same time . . very disheartening
GOOD LUCK, KEEP YOUR CHIN UP AND KEEP MELTIN' THAT BUTT-ER!!
I can totally relate.
My best friend of 15 years now, went on this workout-diet-lose weight kick about 2 years ago. She was dating a guy that worked at BodyBuilding.com and was body building. She did AWESOME! She looked GREATTT!! I think she ended up going from a size 12- 2. I, on the other hand, wanted nothing of the mess. I was happy where I was (because I was in denial about my weight). I supported her and always commented on how great she looked. Well her and that guy broke up- now she dates an IT guy who doesnt care about diet or fitness- guess who is back up to a size 8-10(mind you this gal is only 5'1")? After gaining my last bout of weight due to hypothyroidism, and looking at pictures of my husband and I, I decided one day, that this was NOT going to be my life. And that I would NOT continue to do this to myself, and I havent looked back.
However, my best friend wont even return a call or text. She wants nothing to do with me because she is jealous and angry. At first it hurt me, a lot. Then I realized that I just needed to continue doing for me. I am the same person, and I have only changed in positive ways! Since my weight loss journey, I am aware that she started to HCG diet (I asked if she wanted to go to Yoga with me, said she cant break a sweat..?) But I havent spoken to her in about 3 months. I have attempted to see her multiple times, but I usually dont get a response. The latest facebook pictures dont show the HCG doing well... yikes!
So, what I am getting at is, you have to continue to do what is best for you! Dont feel bad for one single second about making the best decision of your life. Dont regret it, dont resent it! When people act this way toward me I use that as my fuel! Eventually they will come around, envy is nasty- hopefully they will get passed it!
It sucks that women are so catty. I think friends owe it to each other to deal with jealousy. I have a very thin beautiful friend who is my best friend in the whole world for 15 years now. I have trouble with not being jealous of her sometimes, but I do not take it out on her. She knows about it and she helps me work on it. Nobody deserves the treatment you're getting.
Yes....I'm going to invite them to lunch and see what happens. But that will include the eye roller. She's one of them.
In that case, when you put in your order of grilled chicken and veggies no butter, don't look her way so you miss the eye-rolling! Or resort to your mother's old advice and tell her "Be careful. If you keep rolling your eyes like that, they may get stuck!" LOL
Although it is their attitudes that are trying to make you feel bad about your weight-loss it is ultimately you who determines how to process those feelings. Don't stop someone short when they are congratulating you on your success. Take it in slowly like a good piece of chocolate, you deserve it, you have been working hard and it is a GOOD thing when people acknowledge your efforts. Don't allow these women to control how you feel about getting healthier what you are doing is a GOOD thing. Be proud of it, own it. Stop apologizing (by your actions) for being to small for the fat girls and too fat for the skinny girls. Pick who you speak with not based on skinny, fat, young, old but based on who you like best. It's ok to ask one person out to lunch, the one you like best and build a stronger relationship with them.
Not to be such a control freak but you are coming off as a victim when you are WINNING! Don't let peoples toxicity control how you feel about your success.
You deserve every little bit of the success you've gotten. I sometimes see weight loss as kind of a fight. I have to bite, scratch, kick and scream but in the end, I'm winning. You're definitely winning too. <3 You've done wonderfully,and it is those women's fault if they dont' accept you. You are an inspiration. I wish I worked with you!
I'm honestly at a loss. I feel terribly for you. I can't imagine what it's like to have people like that in your life who don't only not celebrate this with you, but go out of the way to sabotage your efforts.
I agree with doinit. If your workplace is stratified in such a way, there's no reason for it to stay that way. Find supportive friends and don't feel obliged to invite eye-roller everywhere even if you invite most of her friends. If she starts making jibes just let her know to her face that you don't appreciate her negative comments about your weight loss especially since you've done nothing to deserve them. That'll shut her up.
I like people. I've always gotten along with my co-workers, back when I had some. I've even found some friends via working with them.
But ultimately, anyone you meet at work, well...they're people you work with, not people you choose. You might get along with some of them, but if you don't, meh. They're there virtually by accident, and you should no more feel ostracized by a work crew than you would feel ostracized by a bunch of random strangers on a public bus.
I think you are being the better person by far to invite the lunch crowd out to lunch (including Ms. Eyeroll 2011). Some people have a tougher time than others watching friends, acquaintances, or co-workers succeed. Eyeroll can't help herself, I guess. Or maybe she was rolling about something else--had a contact lens get folded or just remembered she forgot to wear panties or something? You never know.
I would take your other friend's comment about guys being "disappointed when they realize they're here to meet me and not you" as self-deprecating humor, not an insult to you.
Do you have some other friends whose company you can enjoy that will put the work relationships into better perspective? Sometimes it helps to spend time with the people who are most important to us to realize that the ones we work with or have to see in some professional capacity shouldn't influence us too greatly.
I hope your work situation smooths out soon however that happens.
ShanIAm, I have read a lot of your posts on various forums at 3FC, and it's a wonder you aren't standing naked on a roof screaming your victories - sounds like these people have absolutely ZERO idea of the huge challenges you've overcome (By the way, you are 100% qualified for the "not fat/thin" group), and while I know you're fairly private about things, it sucks that they just don't know.
Hopefully your lunch invite will calm down their jealous rage. I'm assuming these are all heavy women who can't keep off pounds and have raging self-esteem issues?
I知 feeling ostracized
I don’t know why…..but I can only assume. And I hate that I assume the worst. 
Any chance you can make new friends? You seem fantastic. They're just draggin' you down because they're losers and want to bring you down to their level.
