Hurt feelings over a friend's daughter, really flippin' long...
There has been some real life drama brewing between the family of one of my best friends, the family of our mutual friend and the family of the kid dating my best friend's daughter. My best friend is 'J', her daughter is 'T', daughter's boyfriend is 'D', his mother is 'C' and our mutual friend is 'G'. Got that? LOL So long back story short, G got into an argument with C after C ruined a major surprise that G had been planning as a special present to J. The plan cost a lot of money and required a lot of planning, and C got jealous and upset about the plans, and told J (my best friend, and the one the surprise was for). A big argument ensued between G and C, where I was somehow thrust in the middle because C told J that I was a hateful person etc... C deletes me off Facebook, which is no big deal because she was a little crazy. She seemed jealous and insecure about J having any other friends but her and she made me uncomfortable. So D, who is C's son, is dating my best friend's daughter, T, and has been for over a year now. To be perfectly honest, he's extremely rude. I mean VERY rude. He and T are 17. T has no friends anymore, quit her extra curricular activities and lost a lot of weight not long after dating this guy. Her family questioned her, but she seemed happy and was doing well in school, so they kept an eye on it, but let her keep seeing him. Anyway, G confided in T that she used to have an eating disorder, and was worried about T. She has been like a second mother to T for years now. T said she was fine. I tried talking to T and my best friend after taking T and D to the mall. D was a little ***, pardon my language. He was extremely disrespectful, and I told J (my best friend) that wouldn't be taking him anywhere anymore. Then one day, D cursed out T's dad, and a HUGE argument ensued, T was upset, she felt like no one liked D, etc... D apologized and everything was ok.
So, now that you know a bit about the back story...
Last night, I saw a post from T about how much she loved D. No biggie, all her statuses are that. Anyway, G's husband joked with T about how there wasn't any love for Dad #2. D posted and said 'why isn't 1 dad good enough' and did the whole haha thing. Then someone else posted and told T she needed to call and have a girl's weekend because her daughter missed T. D posted a smart comment. The person responded that T needed a life outside of her relationship, and D replied that "old people" apparently didn't have a life because they were on facebook harassing kids. G posted and told him he needed to learn some manners, he kept telling her to go puke. At first, I didn't realize what he was referring to. It started getting ugly, with D's aunt jumping in. C started talking through D's aunt, telling G that if they met face to face they would end up in jail, but G was too poor to afford bail and C could. D called G a fat whale and told her to shut the F up and quit talking about his mom. I posted and told everyone that this had no place on facebook. I was ignored, of course. D eventually called G a fat bulimic whale, and told her to go puke some more and leave them alone. T told G she was finished with her and never to talk to her again. I posted saying whoa, you all need to take a step back, that we (myself, T, G and J) have all known each other for a very long time, too long for this kind of stuff to be going on. T didn't like that, and said I was picking on D too, and deleted me and G. I've known her for the past 5 years, and until a few months ago, literally lived next door. It hurt my feelings, I'm not going to lie. Both the fact that she would allow D to say those things AND defend him, AND delete us flat out hurts. She isn't a full fledged adult, but she's almost 18 years old, and I thought we had a really good relationship. We helped her with personal problems, growing pains, prom dresses, hair, makeup, she was our baby sitter... I mean, we were close. G was even closer to her. She really was like a second mother to her. I could only imagine what she's feeling.
I sent J an email apologizing for getting involved, and reassuring her that I wasn't trying to step on toes or insinuate that J isn't handling the situation with T and D well. (I told D that his behavior would not be tolerated if he had been dating my daughter, but I in no way shape or form meant that I was better than J or anything) I'm very worried about T and J. J had posted that she was very disappointed in her daughter. I haven't been able to get ahold of J. I don't know if she's avoiding my calls or genuinely busy, but I'm pretty upset. What can I do?
I have to admit, I had trouble following it but think I got the general gist of it, but it sounds like YOU'RE the one with the sanity in this situation - maybe just pull back from the situation, as you said you've known each other too long to have this kind of stuff going on. Things will resolve themselves one way or the other, but it doesn't sound as if anyone really wants to LISTEN to reason at this point. Don't worry about not being able to reach anyone and being deleted on FB. ... Situations can easily get nasty/rude when it's one post after another and people write things that they might not say when in the actual company of that person - so hang tight and be the mature, sane voice ... even if they don't want to hear it.
D replied that "old people" apparently didn't have a life because they were on facebook harassing kids.
Why are all of you adults on facebook engaging with two 17 year old kids in this manner? You may not like "D" but think back to when you were 17 what you would have done if your mom's friends (and the occasional husband) all expressed how much they disliked your boyfriend? You guys are only pushing her towards him.
I vote for all adults who are not these kids parents to stay out of their dating life because getting involved seems to be making everything worse.
ETA: As for your friend "J", she might be a little embarrassed right now and that's why she's being distant.
Why are all of you adults on facebook engaging with two 17 year old kids in this manner? You may not like "D" but think back to when you were 17 what you would have done if your mom's friends (and the occasional husband) all expressed how much they disliked your boyfriend? You guys are only pushing her towards him.
I vote for all adults who are not these kids parents to stay out of their dating life because getting involved seems to be making everything worse.
ETA: As for your friend "J", she might be a little embarrassed right now and that's why she's being distant.
Why are all of you adults on facebook engaging with two 17 year old kids in this manner? You may not like "D" but think back to when you were 17 what you would have done if your mom's friends (and the occasional husband) all expressed how much they disliked your boyfriend? You guys are only pushing her towards him.
I vote for all adults who are not these kids parents to stay out of their dating life because getting involved seems to be making everything worse.
ETA: As for your friend "J", she might be a little embarrassed right now and that's why she's being distant.
I have to say, I agree. I am an avid FB user but I NEVER get involved in that kind of junior high drama. None of the adults should have gotten involved, and you should just let it die a natural death.
I, too, was wondering why you are involved in all this stuff . I personally do not have Facebook, I did but deactivated it for the very reason that all this kind of crap goes on all the time on Facebook. I got out of it before I got dragged into some kind of a mess. Who needs it ?
Why are all of you adults on facebook engaging with two 17 year old kids in this manner? You may not like "D" but think back to when you were 17 what you would have done if your mom's friends (and the occasional husband) all expressed how much they disliked your boyfriend? You guys are only pushing her towards him.
I vote for all adults who are not these kids parents to stay out of their dating life because getting involved seems to be making everything worse.
ETA: As for your friend "J", she might be a little embarrassed right now and that's why she's being distant.
I had only gotten involved to try and stand up for my friend's daughter and tell the 2 fighting adults to back off. I also sent my friend a text while this was occurring, telling her what was going on, and that she might need to intervene before her daughter found everything that was being said.
I finally did speak to my friend later that day. She wasn't avoiding me, she was at work and had meant to call me as soon as she could. She said she had removed all the adults from her daughter's facebook as a precaution, until she had read through all of the posts from the other 2. She thanked me for sticking up for her daughter and couldn't believe her other 2 friends and how they reacted. She said she talked to her daughter about what was said, and helped her understand that I was standing up for her. Her daughter said that it just got to the point where she just saw a name and assumed they were talking badly about her and her bf. She hadn't actually read my posts. Anyway, after I had told them that everyone needed to chill, i had gone to bed. My friend told me that it went on long after that, and that basically both of the women fighting didn't like that i was sticking up for her and her daughter. In fact, I was told to "shut up and hop back on my pole" after I had gone to bed. VERY mature, no?
Anyway, I've removed the fighters from my facebook. My friend told me she didn't mind if her daughter added me again, but I told her I wasn't sure if that was a good idea. My friend has talked to both of the women who were fighting, and said she would appreciate it if they stayed out of her daughter's life and business from now on. They responded by posting "notes' about her daughter where many people on THEIR friends list (who don't know my friend or her daughter) were being downright abusive to her daughter.
It's just an ugly situation, but I'm glad that my friend and I were able to talk and make sure things were ok.
As far as having a facebook, it's the only way I have to stay in contact with some of the people I've met through the military, as well as friends and family back home. It's just convenient. I try to avoid the drama, and delete anyone who causes it, but sometimes it does rear its ugly head.
Oh, and I only told my friend about my dislike of D because she was voicing the same concerns and I agreed with her. She and I are close, kind of like sisters, so it's not uncommon for us to say something if we see a problem. However, I do agree that only she and her husband are in charge of who their daughter sees, and I actually advised my friend NOT to make them break up, fearing that her daughter would just start sneaking. My friend and her husband (who was there) agreed.
Last edited by Pint Sized Terror; 04-10-2011 at 11:48 PM.
Why are all of you adults on facebook engaging with two 17 year old kids in this manner? You may not like "D" but think back to when you were 17 what you would have done if your mom's friends (and the occasional husband) all expressed how much they disliked your boyfriend? You guys are only pushing her towards him.
I vote for all adults who are not these kids parents to stay out of their dating life because getting involved seems to be making everything worse.
ETA: As for your friend "J", she might be a little embarrassed right now and that's why she's being distant.
Yep. Hide her posts and stay out of her business. You shouldn't be butting in on her FB convos any more than you should go down in the basement and plop down next to her and her friends while they are all down there hanging out and start doling out adult advice.
I have my sister-in-law's daughter from a previous marriage on Facebook. The SIL is kinda b*tchy so I just accepted the friend invite to avoid BS.
That said, I saw some pretty stupid stuff going on, regular 15 year old girl stuff really. The only difference is it's out there for just about anyone to see. But after so many posts like "OMG gIrL!!!! cAnT BeLeIvE hE sAiD dAt Yo! yOu tInK hEs HaWt?!?" I just hid all posts and don't deal with any of it. If a parent decides to let their child have a Facebook page, it's their responsibility to monitor it and make sure nothing inappropriate is going on.
At best, if you feel the need, alert the parent privately and move on. You can't do much about other people's kids and Facebook (or other adults that act like kids).
It's called a delete button and if you don't want to do that...limit them to what they can see on your profile, as well as limit yourself as to what you can see on theirs. Don't get involved in petty crap, some people thrive on drama. As for that 17 year old she should have just deleted them off facebook the second they started drama, and when they get mad about it, she could have easily said "When you learn to grow up and stop being drama wh0res, then you are more then welcome back on to my internet life."
Simple solutions for simple things. I only keep my family and close friends on my facebook. I don't have people I knew from jr. high (I have some highschool friends that I never talk to) but all and all I don't have 100's of friends floating around knowing my business.
Eesh. I wasn't getting involved with teenager problems. The women fighting on the 17 year old's status were grown women in their 30's and 40's. One of whom was a good friend of mine. I said nothing to the teenager about her boyfriend or that situation, I only asked them (the women mainly) to please stop saying such hurtful things, both to each other and to the 17 year olds. This was only after one of the women had started directly attacking the daughter. In all actuality, I do have an opinion about the boyfriend, but I have never voiced it to the daughter, and only to my friend (her mom) when asked my opinion.
During the facebook stuff, I had been trying to contact her mom to let her know what was going on so she could intervene, but I couldn't get her. I would hope that if my daughter was being bullied online, someone would step in and tell the bullies to stop. Especially if they had a relationship with one of the women who were involved.
I don't see it as plopping down in the middle of teenagers and doling out advice. I wasn't jumping into the middle of a teenager's argument with a teenager or her boyfriend. I got involved when I saw a grown woman attacking my friend's daughter, and another grown woman jumping in and using foul language. The teenage boyfriend is of no real matter. I know how teenagers are, and I know they lack maturity in situations like this. I had only wanted the adults to stop, and asked them to do so. Once the mother of the girl involved read through what was said, she was thankful that I had tried (nicely) to get them to stop, and apologized for deleting me off her friend's list. Which, like I said earlier, is fine. I don't plan on adding her daughter again, or accepting an add. If I need to contact her for baby sitting or something, I have her phone number as well as her mom's. Plus, I see her and her family several times a week.
And as far as what business I put on facebook, and who I have on there, I don't put anything on facebook that I wouldn't say in front of an employer or my grandma. Just my rules.
Well I'm glad things have died down a little and that your friendship with J wasn't hurt. Not that you did anything wrong. Unfortunately in the world of cyber space, alot can be misconstrued. It's unfortunate. But it happens. I have found that many people on FB thrive off of drama and being the center of attention (which is a main issue with the current younger generation. The Mememe's!) But it was entirely inappropriate for two grown women to hijack a teenager's page and throw out highly personal information. Sounds like you are better off without the company of these women.
I have a few kids on my FB page. Most are former students of mine from when I taught music. A few are from when I was a teenager or early adult and they were babies and I was neighbors with their parents. I do tend to stay out of their FB unless congratulating them on grades, tests, accomplishments. It's a nice way to get to see them grow up
Next story, maybe make up names instead though. I had to keep going back to the first paragraph to figure out who was who again
LR
Last edited by LightRaven; 04-11-2011 at 09:57 PM.
Its funny how the things you wouldn't say to someone's face, seem okay to some to put online. How sad that these grown women were tearing apart two kids and than jumping on the one person who tried to stick up for her!
I'm glad you did step in, and if it was my daughter, I would certainly want someone to be there if I wasn't.
Good for you and get rid of those toxic "friends"!
Hurt feelings over a friend's daughter, really flippin' long...
What can I do?
The SIL is kinda b*tchy so I just accepted the friend invite to avoid BS. 
Next story, maybe make up names instead though. I had to keep going back to the first paragraph to figure out who was who again 
