Weight Loss Support - Coming to Terms With Certain Limitations




niafabo
04-05-2011, 10:08 PM
I've always known that I was thick boned but it wasn't until today that I realized what that means in the scheme of things. For the last 40 pounds I've been losing almost entirely front to back and not side to side and though I noticed I figured sooner or later it'll come off the sides to and I tried not to worry about it. Well today I was putting on my shirt and I realized I could feel and count my ribs down the side you can't see them thank god but they can easily be felt and counted and I realized I can lose some more back fat and maybe some boobs (seriously hoping i don't since I'm only a B) but my chest is pretty much stuck the width that it is. Then later when I went to go lay down to read I realized that when I lay down I can clearly feel the sides of my pelvic bones less then a quarter of an inch below my skin and I realized I'm probably not going to get much smaller side to side there either and I was swept with a deep wave of sadness.

I truely realized for the first time I am always going to be thick. That even when I get down to an exceptable weight I'm still going to look larger then a normal person. That there is nothing I'm ever going to be able to do about that. For a second I felt like all of my work has been for nothing but then I stared at my belly, what's left of my chin, and my back fat and I told myself we still have some ways to go worry about this when you get to goal. Easier said then done. I know I still want to lose this weight and nothing has changed about that. I will work to get it off and it will come off eventually but emotionally I feel slightly heart broken as silly as that may sound.

Has anybody come to a similiar realization? If so how have some of you who've reached your goal weight deal with it?


InControl2Day
04-05-2011, 10:13 PM
My bone structure means I'll never be a waif but I'm learning to love my body regardless.

I don't know if I can reach my goal weight but I want to keep trying no matter how long it takes me. It's definitely disheartening some days though but you get passed it by celebrating things you do like about yourself :)

I have found though that I am starting to lose in places I thought would always be problem areas. I think my arms are more toned now than before. I've always hated my upper arm thickness but I'm starting to realize I can get smaller than I originally thought!

carter
04-05-2011, 10:16 PM
As long as you are trim and fit, you'll be fine. I hope you come to terms with your natural look, stop thinking of it as a limitation, and start to feel like you look great - people come in all sorts of shapes, sizes, and structures - that's part of what makes human bodies beautiful. I often think wide women are hot.


berryblondeboys
04-05-2011, 10:43 PM
First, there is THICK and there is bigger build. They are not the same. "I" am now currently thick and I also have a big build.

I too used to want to be small, tiny, petite. I will never be that. I have a 7.25" wrist with no fat around it. My fingers cannot reach around. I have 'birthing' hips. (and my babies were 10 lbs 9 ozs and 11 lbs 14 ozs and both were born naturally, no drugs and were born a bit early). I have a big rib cage, size 10 feet and boobs galore. That is always there.

The good part of that is that you and I are at lower risk for bone disease later in life. This is a blessing. And we are strong. This is all plus.

And believe it or not, many men like strong, solid women. Mine does. He definitely prefers me thinner than I am now, but he likes 'my' type much more than his twiggy mother type (and his small frame type too).

I know, sometimes I get worried that I look like Wendy Williams on Dancing with the Stars where in my heart I want to look like one of the professional female dancers. But, Wendy Williams is 'thick' as well as having a big frame. If she dropped 50 pounds, she wouldn't look thick. Don't confuse the two.

gtech2mit10
04-05-2011, 10:46 PM
Great point above...honestly, and I've racked my brain here, of all the shapes and sizes of women I see out in public, at the gym or around campus, I can't recall seeing anyone trim and fit/at a "goal" weight who I didn't think had a great figure! I can't even picture an unattractively structure fit female figure. Regardless of your natural bone structure, you'll look fantastic to the world when you meet your weight and fitness goals.

bonnie2009
04-05-2011, 11:37 PM
niafabo, Being thick boned is like the color of your eyes why would you want to change the very basic part of you. Everyone has different size frames. Please don't let that negative thought enter into your mind. I know that is easier said than done. You are where I would love to be, in striking distance of your goal weight!! When I was at my goal weight my hands were less chubby but not "less boned". I have big hands for a woman regardless of my weight.

You are always so helpful to others through your posts. Please be as kind to yourself.

KiltedHeather
04-05-2011, 11:58 PM
I can understand totally what you are saying...I too have thought about it. I look at my "goal" weight of 175...which isnt even my "normal for height" weight, its over...and I think...how in the heck can I be 175, or smaller? I was over 200 when I was TWELVE YEARS OLD!!!!
And at that point, I was definately chubby, but not fat fat fat, ya know? 175 is about what my 13 year old, athletic, not large, wears normal sizes, daughter weighs...
Its really scary to think about....and knowing I will most likely never ever be skinny, does plague my thoughts when I am having doubts about losing.
I guess its one of those things that we all just need to come to terms with as we get "smaller"....and it really isnt about what the scale says, its really about your health, and how good you feel :)

icedragon6669
04-06-2011, 12:06 AM
that sounds so much like me, I have really big hips... my current bmi is 25.6 (so only just in the overweight category) yet my hips are still 110cm (44 inches)...... my upper body is fairly fine, but my hips :O and they never get smaller its bone, not flesh thats left now.
I never get below a size 14/16 clothing due to these hips, and it does get me down! but I have to realise we are not all built the same, and instead of focusing on the negatives look at the positives.
I am really tall, have a great waist line, and I LOOOOOVE my collar bones and shoulders!
I think we need to stop being brain molded by the media in what is the right size, shape.. etc.. (me included!) and learn to love ourselves for who we are individuals

krampus
04-06-2011, 12:25 AM
It's easy to hate on our bodies. From the other side of things:

I am "very small framed" everywhere on earth except Japan. This means that I will always look "fluffier" at X number weight than other women my height and weight, which I find EXTREMELY frustrating. My wrists are about 5.25 inches and I can't wear storebought watches or bracelets without cutting half the links off. I buy children's shoes sometimes because they are cheaper and fit.

I see so many women with similar builds to me who achieve and maintain very low weights through healthy "always done this" lifestyles, but I know for myself that the restrict/binge/disordered monster would rear its ugly head far far before I can ever achieve the body I dream about. Coming to terms with the fact that I will never have an "Asian-slim" figure is hard and a work in progress.

I have to focus my energy on enjoying my life as a healthy person with good habits and a long life expectancy instead of obsessing over this stuff. It gets us nowhere!

j0lamo01
04-06-2011, 12:57 AM
Nia: I haven't been on here for about a month but your new avatar looks so amazing! You can really tell a difference now you are withering away lol

586
04-06-2011, 02:21 AM
I'm a large frame gal, too, and I often run into these same thoughts. I try not to let them get me down, but we all have our bad days. :) Know this: you can still lose inches where weight may not be lost. You can still work on lowering body fat to a percentage you find appealing. You can still sculpt your arms, torso and legs into the powerhouses you dream them to be. Sure, we all run into physical limitations where our actual organs and bones are concerned, but if there's a personal goal to be had, whittling can be done. Though, at some point the whittling is all you are doing and the living has faded to the background. :D

So find that happy medium and hug yourself every day for how far you've come and how good you now feel. Relish in the small things you couldn't do that you can now do with ease! Celebrate that body you've been strengthening because you've done such a fabulous job!

fromthebox
04-06-2011, 02:33 AM
Nia - I am discovering this now, about 5 pounds from goal. I have no booty (a family trait) and I still can't get below size 8. I know that this should be "small" but the average 20-something in my college town is a 2-6 usually a four. I can count my ribs by feel and I can feel/see my hip bones when lying down, I am well within normal BMI but I am not small, I can't be a waif. Now I don't really want to be a waif, but I'd like to be small for once, not the hulking tall girl in the corner.

Part of me thinks that I probably am "small-ish" and just can't see it because it takes time for body image to catch up with the loss. I know when I was a 14 I thought a 10 would be good, and that people at 10 looked hot, so maybe it's in my mind, but why then am I in 8s when those of comparable if not heavier weights are in 6s?

tanstaafl
04-06-2011, 02:38 AM
I'll put in my two cents. I'm so sorry you felt bad today. Hopefully this will help: I am in a ballet class for ladies, and the ones who look the wonderfulest are those who are narrow from front to back. I, unfortunately am very thick from front to back, but quite narrow from side to side. I have always been this way, even back when I weighed 105 pounds. (But at that low weight, it still looks good - as you will and do). I saw a picture of a professional ballet dancer - and a principal dancer at that. She had a very wide rib cage and was quite boxy for someone so slender, but she looked super hot - they even made a poster of her posing in a tank top and little shorts for people to buy. I wish I remember her name, but it sounds like you and she have the same basic bone structure. When I saw that picture, as well as some dancing photos of her, I wished, wished, wished I had her body.

Another person I can think of who is wide bone structured, but thin and gorgeous is the actress who plays Daphne on Frasier. She of course is a knock out, but I noticed she has wide bones, but is very narrow front to back. (As an aside, in one season she was pregnant in real life, so the story line was about her gaining a bunch of weight, so she was really dressing to try to look fat for a few shows - she still looked good, though). All the Frasier shows are on YouTube for some reason, so you can go and see what I mean if you like.

I think you'll be very, very happy with the way you look when you get to the goal weight you've set for yourself, and also you look good right now in your picture :yes:

serendipity907
04-06-2011, 06:13 AM
I also have had a hard time accepting that I am 'wider' than I'd like.

When I was younger a friend told me you have fat under your hips and ribs and when you lose it, they move closer together and shrink. Which now sounds ridiculous but I really believed it for so long, I'd been given this (albeit false) hope that one day I'd be narrow and skinny.

I have a fairly wide kinda boxy looking rib cage and wide hips, but if you turn me sideways I look pretty slim.
At around the 130lb point my upper body starts looking quite bony, my spine and ribs are pretty noticeable if I stretch a little and I've had a fair few people bring it up. What annoys me though is that I still have big thighs which could definitely use being slimmer, yet the weight continues to come off my torso.

Tanstaafl: Was the dancer Polina Semionova? She quite often looks to have a slightly larger bone structure compared to a lot of dancers. She has a gorgeous body, a lovely mix of slimness, muscle and daintiness.

saef
04-06-2011, 07:04 AM
With me, it was kind of like having a mental tantrum, when I realized that I couldn't have EXACTLY what I wanted.

I'd lived with my body for a long time, vaguely dissatisfied but more preoccupied with other aspects of my life.

Then I decided to make this effort to change it, and when it began responding by dropping weight & gaining muscles, I think I started being more ambitious on its behalf, and became enamored with the idea of modifying it & making it match some vision in my head.

Where did that vision come from? Oh, lots of images I've been exposed to over the years & brief glimpses of actual women. Was it realistic for me? I never gave that a thought at all. It was more like, "Oh, I've become so competent at reshaping myself through my efforts, I'm sure I can take this all the way."

Well, no. I can't change my height. I can't change my leg length. I'm not a hunk of clay or a piece of taffy that can be stretched & stretched. I'm willing to eat carefully, healthily & mindfully, but not to be radically restrictive for years on end. I'm willing to exercise two hours a day, but I'm NOT going over that, damn it. And I'm still freaked out by surgery & appalled by the cost. When we start talking money, I can't help but think of other things that the same amount would buy. I'd rather take a European vacation than pay for liposuction or any kind of body lift.

So the best course for my peace of mind is some degree of acceptance. And so I want to circle back around to how I felt when I was just living, and working on other things, only I want to give my body its fair share of attention this time -- no more & no less -- rather than completely ignoring it.

runningfromfat
04-06-2011, 07:45 AM
Have you ever seen That 70's Show? Dona on there is big-boned (just look at how many jokes they make about her hand size) but I doubt anybody would say she is ugly. ;)

Even at my smallest I was never thin. I've got a lot of hearty Norwegian/German ancestors to thank for that. But I was strong, I could run races, I could play sports well, and I looked GOOD in clothes. You have to learn to dress well for your body shape and just go with it. Also, if you want to date someone who is only interested in the really thing look than that person is just not worth your time. ;)

I remember in high school realizing that I just never was going to be one of those tiny twigs of a girl but I also knew that I could reach things that many of them couldn't and I could eat more calories than they could too. Also, you'll never need shoulder pants in any suits!

Right now I'm 192lbs and I can already start to see the outline of my ribs and feel my hip bones. It's crazy because I have awhile to go still. I've just learned to accept who I am and love myself the way I am. I know once I reach my goal I'll look sooo much better than I do now despite any big bones.

berryblondeboys
04-06-2011, 08:02 AM
Just thought I would add this too. I have two boys. One got the build like their father. He's always been tall and very lean. He's now 6'1" (and still growing) and weighs 135 pounds. He has a 27" waist which is impossible to find for the 34" inseam length. He looks great in clothes, he's fit, and he's a good looking fellow (14 years old). Like his dad, his ideal weight will always be on the lower side for people of his height because of his smaller frame size.

My other son is only 5 (6 in a couple weeks). He too is very tall (tallest in his kindergarten class) and he inherited his mother's large frame. Otherwise, they both look a LOT alike - same reddish/copper hair, same waviness. Yet, this son who is trim, not fat at all has an "overweight" BMI for his height. He's ALWAYS been off the charts for weight and height, proportionally. I look at him though and he looks 'right'. It's muscle covering those legs, his tummy is toned, no double chin and so on. No one, ever would say he is fat/chubby or needed to lose weight (no doctor ever has and we've been to several). That's just his build and he's just as handsome and as his smaller framed brother. Actually, at teh same age you can't tell the two apart even though the younger brother has 10-15 pounds on him at the same age and 1 inch taller. They look similar despite such differing frames because they both are trim.

Also, a good friend in college wore a size 14 jean. I did too. I was a bit chubby. She was super thin. She looked HOT! I looked chubby. I would never, ever call her 'thick' as well, she wasn't! Just a really big frame (and tall).

niafabo
04-06-2011, 08:07 AM
Thanks for all your stories and advice everyone. It definitely makes me feel a whole lot better. You rock guys! :)

GlamourGirl827
04-06-2011, 08:08 AM
It's easy to hate on our bodies. From the other side of things:

I am "very small framed" everywhere on earth except Japan. This means that I will always look "fluffier" at X number weight than other women my height and weight, which I find EXTREMELY frustrating. My wrists are about 5.25 inches and I can't wear storebought watches or bracelets without cutting half the links off. I buy children's shoes sometimes because they are cheaper and fit.

I see so many women with similar builds to me who achieve and maintain very low weights through healthy "always done this" lifestyles, but I know for myself that the restrict/binge/disordered monster would rear its ugly head far far before I can ever achieve the body I dream about. Coming to terms with the fact that I will never have an "Asian-slim" figure is hard and a work in progress.

I have to focus my energy on enjoying my life as a healthy person with good habits and a long life expectancy instead of obsessing over this stuff. It gets us nowhere!

I know this thread is more about being larger frame, but krampus, I think I understand what you are saying. I too, have a very petite build, and it makes achieving that very fit look seem like such a long road, because I know I have to get down to such a lower weight than I want.

I know that my goal weight of 140 is not going to be my goal when I get there. I will probably need to be about 120 (or less) to finally be rid of my problem areas. I wish I had a bit larger bone frame, because there are plenty of girls that are my height and 140lbs that look fabulous! I feel like for me to maintain the weight I'm going to need to be fit, I'm going to have to eat next to nothing and exercise all. the. time.! I don't mean that literally, but I just remember how hard it was for me to get down to 145 once before (with strict dieting and exercise). I was just barely in a size 6, but naked, I was still very fatty! I was so jealous of my friend who has a bit larger frame and at a size 6 looked smooth and fit. I hate knowing underneath all this weight is a petite frame.
Maybe we tend to want what we can't have. ;)

tanstaafl
04-06-2011, 10:32 AM
Tanstaafl: Was the dancer Polina Semionova? She quite often looks to have a slightly larger bone structure compared to a lot of dancers. She has a gorgeous body, a lovely mix of slimness, muscle and daintiness.

Hi serendipity907 - Polina Seminova is gorgeous! (I looked her up). When I went online to look for the dancer I meant I found out it's Wendy Whelan. She's so muscular and beautiful too!

KiltedHeather
04-06-2011, 12:07 PM
Isnt it amazing how so many people have the same feelings...yet we all fall victim to what "others" say is "perfection"? I hope that made sense....

if you really really think about it, we all KNOW that our "perfect" weight is where we feel comfortable, and size is relative (I personally own and wear clothes from size 2xl to 6xl and they all fit properly..go figure) yet we still let it get us down....

maybe its time to start a new revolution...one that gets rid of numbers and bmi's and sizes and inches.....well, its wishful thinking I know LOL

SquidRuns
04-06-2011, 12:38 PM
I've been all over the weight spectrum, from obese to underweight. Now I'm attempting to head back to a more comfortable weight for me. one thing I've noticed is that it can be really hard to determine what my true shape is when I'm more than 20 or so lbs from my goal because my body changes so much. So you might be surprised when you get to goal.

The other thing i've learned is that there are just some things you can't change about how you look. And that can REALLY stink. For me it was necessary to acknowledge that disappointment before I could really start to accept what I looked like.

For a number of years I was anorexic. A real turning point came for me when I looked in the mirror and realized that I couldn't starve away my bones. They are what they are. I could keep living miserably, trying to change something that could not be, or I could focus on living a happier, healthier life.

JohnP
04-06-2011, 12:40 PM
Then later when I went to go lay down to read I realized that when I lay down I can clearly feel the sides of my pelvic bones less then a quarter of an inch below my skin and I realized I'm probably not going to get much smaller side to side there either and I was swept with a deep wave of sadness.

I dont' know how to say this without appearing sexist so I'm just going to say it. I've had so many posts deleted I figure what's one more.:cool:

You're entitled to your feelings but I think you should be aware there are plenty of guys that prefer women with big hips. Not that you're loosing weight for the sake of men - I'm just sayin. :D

j0lamo01
04-06-2011, 01:58 PM
I am small bones but I just don't think that my skin will shrink enough to make me skinny when I reach my goal. I don't let it discourage me though

Txalupa
04-06-2011, 06:37 PM
Have you ever seen That 70's Show? Dona on there is big-boned (just look at how many jokes they make about her hand size) but I doubt anybody would say she is ugly. ;)



This!

I LOVE Laura Prepon (Donna) because she is big-boned (like me) and huge hands hahaha

I've done the frame test-- sorry I don't have a link right now, but I am off the charts for women for wrists and hands and am in the 'large' category everywhere else. Huge. It's ok. I will never be tiny. I have skis for feet. Oh well. My gut is still shrinking...:devil:

theCandEs
04-06-2011, 10:24 PM
I can relate to this, too. I've been feeling down lately about my size. Can you imagine? :lol: I used to think it was impossible for me to lose as much as I have, but now I'm dissatisfied because I haven't lost enough. Still, I know what you mean. My mom has a very small frame. She wears a size 5 1/2 to 6 shoe. Then there's me. Same height, but chunky. Size 8 shoe, and much heavier than her. (She's all of 115 pounds). To add insult to injury, I've had to go clothes shopping recently. Nothing like that to make you start feeling down. I should be happy, but I just want more!

What I need is a good slap in the face! :lol: I'm not my mom! I'm me! And, we will all look fine. Really!

hope4balance
04-06-2011, 11:02 PM
I have been thinking about this post all day... I read it this morning, as well as many of the responses, but I didn't have time to post my thoughts. I had to work and such....

But, the thing that strikes me about this is how complicated body image is and how difficult it is for women just to feel good about our bodies. I know that is probably a "duh" comment... but it's what I have been thinking about.

Over the past several days I have been thinking about posting on this website a thread about how I am realizing that I may not be big boned. It's something new that I have been struggling with, thinking through, and feeling bad about.

I have been more successful in this "chapter" of my weight loss journey than ever before. I am thinner than I have been in 7+ years, and I feel like my relationship with food is healthier than it has ever been.

Yet, I find that I am more critical of my body. Having grown up heavy, I had generally come to terms with the fact that I was meant to be a bigger person. The women in my family are fat, and for several years I have been telling myself that I can't fight genetics, that some people are born with challenging metabolisms, etc. This has been very comforting for me actually.

Now that I am losing weight, though, I am starting to think that I might be meant to be smaller. Even though I am much thinner than before, I can't see or feel my collar bones, hip bones, or wrist bones. I have small legs, not much of a butt, a proportionally small waist. For some reason, as I lose weight (this time) I feel like this is what is right. My bone structure is meant for a lighter weight..

And, for some reason, that makes me feel BAD. I feel like I should have figured this stuff out 2 decades ago... I wouldn't have needed to spend my teens and twenties as a fat person. All of the sudden, I am blaming myself instead of genetics.

So, blah, blah, blah... I don't want to whine any more than I already have. But, I have been so struck with no matter what our body type is, no matter what our struggle is, no matter how we were raised, when we started struggling with our weight, where we are in our weight loss journey, how much we weigh, there are so many ways that women feel bad about themselves...

I wish it were different for us...

shcirerf
04-06-2011, 11:15 PM
Ya know, I'm older than most of you, (51)I had twin boys that weighed over 6 lbs each, I have big girls that have gone way south, like south of the equator.:D And I have enough stretch marks to circle the earth.

I am never going to be Cindy Crawford, I'm to dang short.

I have the shoulders and arms of a football player, and the thighs that jiggle, and amazingly NO BUTT, but you know what, I don't care, If I'm healthy and at a good weight, I feel hot. And my Dh loves every inch of me.

Most of us were not meant to be what we see in magazines, embrace your good, do what you can with the rest and love yourself. :hug:

milmin2043
04-06-2011, 11:27 PM
Ya know, I'm older than most of you, (51)I had twin boys that weighed over 6 lbs each, I have big girls that have gone way south, like south of the equator.:D And I have enough stretch marks to circle the earth.

I am never going to be Cindy Crawford, I'm to dang short.

I have the shoulders and arms of a football player, and the thighs that jiggle, and amazingly NO BUTT, but you know what, I don't care, If I'm healthy and at a good weight, I feel hot. And my Dh loves every inch of me.

Most of us were not meant to be what we see in magazines, embrace your good, do what you can with the rest and love yourself. :hug:

Great post Janelle! I agree 100%. I too am older than many here. Will be 48 this year. I have 3 boys, all grown. My first child weighed 10 lbs. 2 ozs. The other 2 were only slightly smaller. They were all born in a country hospital and I didn't have anesthesia. No kidding. I am covered with stretch marks and loose skin and scars and other unattractive nonsense. BUT, hubby loves me and I love myself. (Most of the time). When I think back over my life, I am amazed by what my body has allowed me to do and how it's always been there waiting for me to be amazing.

It's time I paid it back by being a best friend to it and treating it with loving care and kindness. Corny or not, that's how I wish everyone felt.

theCandEs
04-07-2011, 12:54 AM
Well, y'all are not that much older than me! I'm closing in on 40, and I've had 2 children myself, plus the stretch marks and c-section scars to prove it. I know what you are saying. My tummy is all flabby and it will never, ever go back to what it was. That's just fact, and I'm not upset about it. The thing is, I accepted my body as it was right after I had children. I didn't think I would ever be able to lose the weight I had gained. I tried and tried, but nothing I did worked. I went on diet after diet, and after several years of that, I gave up. I thought, "This is it. This is how it's going to be now. Get used to it." I had my babies, and I had my husband, who never said anything negative about my weight (thank goodness), and I more or less had everything I wanted out of life.

Then, all that changed when I realized I had pre-diabetes. It scared the life out of me! I saw my grandfather slowly die of diabetes, and I don't want that to happen to me. So, I did something about it. Now that I know I can lose weight, I want it to all be gone, yesterday. The more I lose, the more I want to lose, and the more I want to look and feel better. Greedy, I guess, but I've wanted this for so long that it just hurts.

So, anyway, I know what you are saying. I still have two amazing children and a very loving husband. Most of the time, I'm a very happy person. I know that this dissatisfaction is temporary. Eventually, my mind will re-learn to accept the way my body is now, and all will be well. I'm just not there yet. I don't see anything wrong with that.

krampus
04-07-2011, 02:30 AM
I dont' know how to say this without appearing sexist so I'm just going to say it. I've had so many posts deleted I figure what's one more.:cool:

You're entitled to your feelings but I think you should be aware there are plenty of guys that prefer women with big hips. Not that you're loosing weight for the sake of men - I'm just sayin. :D

Can I "like" this post? There are all sorts of people who find all sorts of different shapes and sizes attractive. You can hide all you want under clothes but men are experts at checking us out and assessing our "true" shapes, and show interest accordingly.