Ugh, dating! (or lack of it...) - 3 Fat Chicks on a Diet Weight Loss Community

MissSMcC · 03-30-2011, 07:43 PM

i hate being single but i'm still too afraid to start dating yet. mainly because of my weight, but also because im only 3 months out of a serious relationship. it's rubbish because i so miss getting to know someone, that butterflies feeling you know? but i just don't have the confidence to take the plunge yet. i'm not saying i can't date because of my weight specifically, but more my confidence levels are so low just now (being dumped didnt help either!). there is even a guy i have the hots for, i met him online but i've seen pics and chatted on the phone to him, he likes 'curvy, cuddly lassies' as he puts it haha, but i just can't. ggrrrr.
has anyone else felt like this? when did you start to regain your confidence? for me it's been like a double hit, what with my weight AND the seperation.

Arctic Mama · 03-31-2011, 12:50 AM

I met my husband, got married, and had my first child all around my highest weight, and while I didn't love being fat, it didn't detract from the joy of all of those events.

I guess my only advice/reasoning is that one's self worth, those things that really matter and attract individuals to us, should be entirely divorced from our weight. It's important to feel beautiful and to be healthy, but it is no cliche that what is truly valuable about you is reflected in your mind and heart. But YOU need to believe that about yourself, to the core, for someone else to believe it, too.

The best parts of you endure without youth, beauty, energy, or any number of other possibly fleeting characteristics. Dig deep and remember who you are and where your true worth lies. That should not only encourage attraction to you, but make it matter a little less whether it exists or not, because just being yourself is enough. The right person will recognize that in time.

manders01 · 03-31-2011, 01:26 AM

I kind of feel the exact opposite. I thought, "Hey, new good-looking, thin me! Boys will be lining up." Yeah, not so much. I'm so ready but at the same time, I feel like for once, I should be the one being chased. So I'm doing nothing but making it a priority to go out at least once a week. I want that feeling of being seen from across the room, being approached, being flirted with, getting asked for my number, etc.

Now I say all this with the immense petrification that I do meet someone, we do hit it off and things progress. I am worried about telling him I used to be 100 pounds heavier. Will he immediately think, "Oh *#%@! How long till she balloons back up?" I am worried about telling him that I have a pretty significant excess skin issue. Will he immediately think, "Oh *#%@! She's probably hideous under those clothes and I have no desire to see this chick naked." And if he's still with me after those two things, I am worried about him actually seeing me naked. There will be no lights on.

I guess I've got a bit of catch 22 on my hands. But seeing as how I'm still as single as they come, I don't have much to be worried about right now.

konfyoozed · 03-31-2011, 01:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Arctic Mama

I met my husband, got married, and had my first child all around my highest weight, and while I didn't love being fat, it didn't detract from the joy of all of those events.

I guess my only advice/reasoning is that one's self worth, those things that really matter and attract individuals to us, should be entirely divorced from our weight. It's important to feel beautiful and to be healthy, but it is no cliche that what is truly valuable about you is reflected in your mind and heart. But YOU need to believe that about yourself, to the core, for someone else to believe it, too.

The best parts of you endure without youth, beauty, energy, or any number of other possibly fleeting characteristics. Dig deep and remember who you are and where your true worth lies. That should not only encourage attraction to you, but make it matter a little less whether it exists or not, because just being yourself is enough. The right person will recognize that in time.

I LOVE THIS!! (especially the bold part)

especially since i met my fiance and will be marrying him around my highest weight, too. he tells me he thinks i'm beautiful and that when he looks at me he doesn't see my weight, just the person i am and that's who he loves.

if you're ready to date, i say go for it! regardless of your weight, always remember that anyone who is going to judge your worth by the size of your waist (or a number on a scale), big or small, then they aren't worth your time to begin with.

MissSMcC · 03-31-2011, 06:08 AM

thanks everyone

arctic mama i completely agree with you, i put way too much pressure on myself to look right before i start dating again when actually thats the least important aspect of who i am. and in fact, i have the whole 'pretty face' thing going on, and whilst so many people on here hate hearing that about themselves i quite like it

im doing a lot of non weight related things to boost my confidence too, im signed up to be a befriender (voluntary worker that befriends a vulnerable person).
manders i hear you on the loose skin, i have some on my stomach from being pregnant and i hate it!
konfyoosed congratulations on the engagement!

you're totally right, i want a man that wants me regardless of my size, but i want to feel beautiful myself no matter what a man tells me.

physical looks is not the most important thing, and i dont want anyone to think im some shallow (bleep) that has no brains or personality, but as much as the superficial means nothing, who doesnt want to be wanted? i know i'll get there, not just with weightloss but with all the other changes im making, im just a bit impatient at times haha

Eliana · 03-31-2011, 11:08 AM

I'm a bit like Manders. I was thinking the men would be lining up, but no. And I don't know what "go out" means.

I'm not the bar hopping type and have no girlfriends to go out with. I mean, I have great girlfriends, but when we go out we're focused on each other, not "boys". LOL!

When did I start feeling confident? Clothed, I felt confident around 200 pounds. I felt amazing at that weight, actually. I'm very close to being confident with my belly at this point.

If there's a guy you are interested in, have at it!! Who says you have to be intimate right away anyway? It sounds like he's giving you the green light for at least getting to know you better. You can use him as motivation to continue on this journey so your body makes you more and confident for when you are ready. And that's not to say you couldn't be ready now.

manders01 · 03-31-2011, 11:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Eliana

I'm a bit like Manders. I was thinking the men would be lining up, but no. And I don't know what "go out" means.

I'm not the bar hopping type and have no girlfriends to go out with. I mean, I have great girlfriends, but when we go out we're focused on each other, not "boys". LOL!

When did I start feeling confident? Clothed, I felt confident around 200 pounds. I felt amazing at that weight, actually. I'm very close to being confident with my belly at this point.

If there's a guy you are interested in, have at it!! Who says you have to be intimate right away anyway? It sounds like he's giving you the green light for at least getting to know you better. You can use him as motivation to continue on this journey so your body makes you more and confident for when you are ready. And that's not to say you couldn't be ready now.

Me neither. I suck going to bars because I'm not outgoing so I don't just strike up a conversation. I sit on a bar stool and drink my drink and then go home disappointed that I didn't meet anyone. And all my girlfriends are married or living with their boyfriends, some with kids. They don't really do the whole just call them up and make plans for that evening thing.

So my going out isn't necessarily head to the nearest bar and pull up a stool. Two weeks ago it was browsing at a bookstore and enjoy a cold one while people watching. A couple weeks before that is was going to see a band. This week it's the ballgame (as I'm sure most of the time it will be now that the season is underway). Just things to get me out of the house into a public situation.

Eliana · 03-31-2011, 12:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by manders01

So my going out isn't necessarily head to the nearest bar and pull up a stool. Two weeks ago it was browsing at a bookstore and enjoy a cold one while people watching. A couple weeks before that is was going to see a band. This week it's the ballgame (as I'm sure most of the time it will be now that the season is underway). Just things to get me out of the house into a public situation.

I need more examples please!!

I need a "places to go for Dummies" run down. Thanks for this! Crazy that I don't know how to "go out" but I don't!

MiZTaCCen · 03-31-2011, 01:19 PM

Confidence, confidence, confidence and loving yourself is key to be out there dating. Trust me when I first started dating I was in the 160's and thought I was too fat, no one is going to want to date a fat girl when in reality it was my negativity, lack of confidence and all other insecure dumb issues I have with myself is what causes things in my life to fail.

Lots of fat people have relationships, are dating or whatever and they get the guy because they have that confidence in them and don't care what other people think. **** you can be skinny as **** and if you lack confidence and self worth (Which a lot of skinny people have as well) you're going to get the same treatment as a fat girl with lack of confidence and so on.

Start dating when you start to feel confident in you're own body!

Eliana · 03-31-2011, 01:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MiZTaCCen

Confidence, confidence, confidence and loving yourself is key to be out there dating. Trust me when I first started dating I was in the 160's and thought I was too fat, no one is going to want to date a fat girl when in reality it was my negativity, lack of confidence and all other insecure dumb issues I have with myself is what causes things in my life to fail.

Lots of fat people have relationships, are dating or whatever and they get the guy because they have that confidence in them and don't care what other people think. **** you can be skinny as **** and if you lack confidence and self worth (Which a lot of skinny people have as well) you're going to get the same treatment as a fat girl with lack of confidence and so on.

Start dating when you start to feel confident in you're own body!

I've heard this many times and I think there's a lot of truth to it. Good response!

ShanIAm · 03-31-2011, 01:37 PM

I have been single for over a year by choice but I did have a friend with benefits situation sprinkled in there. I ended that back in January when I realized I was using him for more than physical pleasure but for self validation. I had no self worth and I knew my weight had a lot to do with that. So even though I feel better (most days) about myself, it turns out that I have become quite self centered. It’s all about ME these days. I don’t want to date as it’ll take away from my gym time. I don’t want to lose control over my eating habits by going out to dinner more. I simply want to put all my time and energy into ME, not a man. And even if a guy did flirt with me, I probably wouldn’t even know it! But I won’t lie and say that I still don’t get a little high when a guy appears to be flirting with me! But that’s normal, right?

Eliana · 03-31-2011, 01:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ShanIAm

I have been single for over a year by choice but I did have a friend with benefits situation sprinkled in there. I ended that back in January when I realized I was using him for more than physical pleasure but for self validation. I had no self worth and I knew my weight had a lot to do with that. So even though I feel better (most days) about myself, it turns out that I have become quite self centered. It’s all about ME these days. I don’t want to date as it’ll take away from my gym time. I don’t want to lose control over my eating habits by going out to dinner more. I simply want to put all my time and energy into ME, not a man. And even if a guy did flirt with me, I probably wouldn’t even know it! But I won’t lie and say that I still don’t get a little high when a guy appears to be flirting with me! But that’s normal, right?

Yeah, I went through that phase. I did it while I was married.

I got all my "me" time out of my system! Now that I'm 10 pounds from goal I'm ready to be less selfish.

Great introspection on your part.

MissSMcC · 03-31-2011, 01:40 PM

Eliana i literally started blushing when i read 'have at it!' lol!
Miz you are so right, i know it's not my weight holding me back, but rather my confidence. I guess i'll know when i'm ready, i'm not going to push myself into anything that makes me feel uncomfortable.

Eliana · 03-31-2011, 01:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MissSMcC

Eliana i literally started blushing when i read 'have at it!' lol! .

Oh, I didn't mean anything "blushable" by it!! LOL!

MissSMcC · 03-31-2011, 01:43 PM

Shan i've never been able to do the friends with benefits thing, i get emotionally involved way to easy (i wish i could because i'd be all over this guy like a rash LOL!). I think it's great you are so focused on yourself, i definately need to start taking more time for me.