100 lb. Club - Mean things people say *venting about family*

03-30-2011, 08:25 PM
So, today I was talking to my grandparents, I unfortunately crave acceptance from my fam, even though I'm the total black sheep of the family.

I lived with my gparents for a long time when I was a kid, things weren't great at home, I feel like I didn't fully have a weight problem/later, disordered eating, until they got custody of me at 14. That's when secret eating and laxative abuse started. My Very Italian Grandmother would push food on me and then later criticize me for being fat. "Your hips are spreading. Your face is blooming."

Augh. Today I told her how much weight I've lost, and she was so proud and said I've obviously been working hard. Wow. I don't expect anything so nice to come from her mouth.

My grandfather, who I've always gotten along so much better with, is pretty insensitive at times, I know he doesnt' think he's being mean, and if a fellow weight loss buddy said this to me, instead of a man who has NEVER struggled with weight, except trying to keep it on...I wouldn't have cared. It's all context, how it's said, etc.

I said, "I've lost just about 60 lbs." and he responded with, "hahaha, that's almost a person!" No 'good job'...nothing like that.

When I had lost My first 20 I told him and he asked how long it took, and then told me I Should be doing what rush limbaugh is doing because he lost 90 lbs in 3 months or something ridiculous like that.


My fam. Not real sure why after 31 years I ever expect anything different.

Goddess Jessica
03-30-2011, 08:45 PM
Oh sweetie, I am so sorry.

I swear, some men (especially older men) don't know how to have an emotional conversation so they think by "teasing" they are bonding. I hate it. My father had a brain aneurysm and he literally has no filter on this type of teasing. If I thought he was bad before...

Chalk it up to brain damage and remember that you're doing awesome.

DixC Chix
03-30-2011, 08:49 PM
*shakes head and rolls eyes* - family...Oy!! And an older generation to boot? Oy! I don't know why family or older folks think its okay so say what they think. Do they lose the ability to edit themselves? And don't get me started on Rush, besides his political views...he's gaining it back, you know... just not sustainable.

It always hurts when they say insensitive things and knowing that they don't have an editor doesn't make it any easier to take. You can't change them so you might as well forgive them. You know that you have accomplished a great feat and are fully capable of continuing this journey. We know it too.

You expect something different because you are a hopeful person. And hope springs eternal.

03-30-2011, 09:12 PM
Some older men especially don't communicate well. :(

03-30-2011, 09:59 PM
Sorry that happened, but you are doing so well. Try not to be discouraged.
Love reading your posts BTW, you are just so open - I admire that.:hug:

03-30-2011, 10:11 PM
I am sorry that your Grandpa was hurtful.. or maybe just not encouraging. It's nice when they know how to say the right things in the best way. Some folks just don't know.

You are doing GREAT!

03-30-2011, 10:13 PM
Thanks everyone. Not sure what I would do without the place.


03-30-2011, 10:53 PM
My grandparents on my father's side can be very....unedited with their words as well. My grandmother used to do things like, tell me that I was too fat and then offer me some of her strawberry rhubarb pie-or make doughnut casserole for family get togethers and try to get me to eat more. Don't even get me started on that darned casserole-even though I love sweets and loved them then, it always made me sick!

03-30-2011, 11:02 PM
You are doing great!

Arctic Mama
03-30-2011, 11:38 PM
Oh yes, family can be the worst when it comes to unintentional cruelty. Older men and emotional topics are a particularl bad mix.

On the upside, what wonderful encouragement from your grandma!

03-30-2011, 11:53 PM
Fellow Italian here, believe me I get it. They are mostly very outspoken and blunt, and most old people get that way. Let me just say if they took you in, they must love you very much, so never forget that. You know you're doing great, no matter who says what.

03-31-2011, 09:55 AM
I am sorry that this happened. I understand why it hurt, but I do think that it would help you to grow a thick skin. I know from experience that life is easier when you develop that thick skin. I have gotten to the point where I have decided not to let my feelings be hurt unless I think the person is intentionally trying to hurt them.

There are two large groups of people that I think tend to unintentionally hurt feelings, men and older people. An older man is most likely to say something. :)

There is an 80 something year old lady at my church that often makes comments that used to hurt my feelings. I know that she does not want to hurt me, she just does (or did). I decided to start viewing her much the same way that I view children. They just don't have the filter that normal reasonable adults have. Now she can make comments, I just smile and let it slide off my back.

03-31-2011, 10:52 AM
It always hurts the most from the people you're closest to. And of course those people are always teh ones you need the most support and approval from. I completely understand and I feel so bad that you had that experience.

I remember my mom's grandmother, who I was extremely close to, one day started pounding at the table and telling me that a girl my age shouldn't be so heavy. "A girl (hand slam) your age (hand slam) should not (hand slam) be so (hand slam) heavy." Good grief, grandma- that one hurt. Granted I've grown thicker skin since then, but people, even when they love us, probably especially when they love us, really have the capcity to hurt us.


03-31-2011, 11:27 AM
Oh man, family! And OLD family at that! and OLD & MALE family even further! grrrrr infuriating!!

One thing I've learned in my 40 - odd years (heh I'm very odd!) is that you can never change other people, there's no hope in heaven I'm afraid. All we can do is change OUR reactions to it. Stop and breathe and know they love you but they're of another generation, a bit insensitive, and what can ya do?

My DH has a great saying when I get that "miffed" look on my face -- he says "if there's TWO ways to take what I just said, and one of them upsets you, I MEANT THE OTHER ONE!" hahahahah

03-31-2011, 12:00 PM
Sometimes our families don't realize what they can say does hurt us. But don't worry you are doing a great job and we are all here supporting you. The important this is that you are doing this for yourself and no one else. That is how we stay on track!

03-31-2011, 12:54 PM
Lottie - Open mouth, insert foot... that seems to be the way with men and weight loss, doesn't it? I'm sorry he was so insensitive, that's tough to take. :( I disagree with the previous posters about growing a thick skin though. Having a thin skin, being more easily disrupted and hurt also means we can love and laugh and care more easily. That's what I think, anyhow. I'll take the pain that comes with the joy. :)

My DH has a great saying when I get that "miffed" look on my face -- he says "if there's TWO ways to take what I just said, and one of them upsets you, I MEANT THE OTHER ONE!" hahahahah

^^^ This made me laugh so hard!

03-31-2011, 01:09 PM
I'm with Gale02-I would say I'm a tender hearted woman. That isn't to say I am not strong, but I am definitely on the more sensitive side of life. I have been hurt badly in the past, but that's the past-I don't think having thicker skin is a bad thing, but I don't think being sensitive is bad either, as long as it is not extreme. Being sensitive also allows me to be what I want to see in the world; a good listener, a great comforter, someone optimistic to the bitter end, and always seeking to try and understand how others feel. Sure, people say rude things, but sometimes they are said with love even if it's hard to see because it's so easy for you to understand that by and large nobody likes being talked to that way.

03-31-2011, 01:11 PM
^^^ She articulated it MUCH better than I did. What she said! :)

03-31-2011, 01:31 PM
Some family just sucks though. No one has the gall to talk about my weight especially now that I'm older however, my grandmother has issues.

When I was young, maybe in middle school, she decided it would be funny to tell me what a b*tch I was in front of my friends. The purpose was merely to get a laugh out of them and to seem "cool" with them. She's very concerned with these things.

It's hard to decipher when people "mean well" and when they're "really mean". Once I know it's the latter, I pretty much don't deal with them, family or not. :(