100 lb. Club - I shouldn't care what people think, right?




Eliana
02-27-2011, 08:39 PM
One of my biggest concerns/worries/fears is that people are going to think I left my husband because I lost weight. Everyone who knows me well, and heck I think even many of you who have followed my story, know that it couldn't be further from the truth. Although, even my mom is convinced the weight loss gave me the confidence to do it. I will go to my grave insisting it isn't true. There were issues in my marriage for many, many years and there were two final straws. One, my nine year old came to me and said, "Mom, Dad hates our family, doesn't he?" And two, he got on facebook and asked his ex-girlfriend if there could still be something between them. Hmmm...nothing to do with weight loss there.

I ran into a neighbor at the grocery store today and we stood in the aisle talking for quite some time. She told me she'd started working out, yadda, yadda, yadda. Then she told me her children came to her concerned because they were afraid she was going to lose weight and leave their father like I had. :(

It shouldn't bother me, right? The people who matter to me know. But I was right. That's what people think. Woman loses weight, woman leaves husband. It shouldn't matter. But it does. Because that's not me. It isn't the truth and it isn't the way I want to be portrayed.

Can anyone relate? Do you suppose people are watching you, just wondering when your marriage is going to be over? I also know weight loss is a sign of infidelity. So lovely. Does the neighborhood think I was unfaithful to him too? Pft.


astrophe
02-27-2011, 08:53 PM
Then she told me her children came to her concerned because they were afraid she was going to lose weight and leave their father like I had. It shouldn't bother me, right?

Why are you getting bent out of shape over what children think? They are kids. Kids think all kinds of crazy... it doesn't have to rock your boat. :)


Can anyone relate? Do you suppose people are watching you, just wondering when your marriage is going to be over? I also know weight loss is a sign of infidelity. So lovely. Does the neighborhood think I was unfaithful to him too? Pft.

To me? This is unproductive worry. You did what what best for you. He crossed some lines that have nothing do you with your fitness.

No, I do not think about people watching me or wondering when I'm going to break up my marriage. I don't spend my time pondering things like that about my neighbors. I'd be amazed to find they ponder things like that about me.

GL!
A.

EvilGidget
02-27-2011, 09:05 PM
Well I don't know about everybody else... but I have the same kind of things happen. My husband throws food at me literally every minute of every day... and he has actually said that he thinks I will leave him if I lose weight. My mom has actually said to me that she hope I am not losing weight to attract men because I already have a good man.

It's craziness... I love my husband... he is the love of my life, and losing weight isn't going to change that, hopefully it will make our relationship better because I'll be happier with myself!

With my husband it's his own insecurity... with my mom.. it's her nosiness. I don't know why people jump to conclusions the way they do, but I don't really see a solution to your problem.

Love yourself... you know the truth... that's all that really matters.

Congrats on your loss!!! You are an inspiration!


MiZTaCCen
02-27-2011, 09:10 PM
Love yourself... you know the truth... that's all that really matters.



Agree, I'm not married or have been in a successful relationship haha go figures...but you did what you had to do because of the real issues 1, your 9 yr old daughter and 2 his fb account with his ex. This had nothing to do with weight loss and if that woman is dumb enough to think that's the reason you left your husband then that's her problem. I think the fact that you lost weight gave you the confidence and the ability to walk away from it, in stead of staying stuck in an unhappy marriage! So kudo's for you!

seagirl
02-27-2011, 09:35 PM
If you hadn't lost the weight, the gossips would have been saying "he cheated on her because she's fat" or if you'd been thin all along it would have been because of your drinking or because he became a drug addict or you couldn't agree about entering your children into a beauty pageant...

The gossips just hitched onto your weight loss because it was the most visible. And they can assure themselves it will never happen to them because [insert reason here.]

Celyia
02-27-2011, 09:37 PM
No, I think your mother is wrong about weight loss giving you the confidence to leave. It sounds like to me that he just pushed you too far. Considering that it sounds like your daughter's comment was what was really the catalyst (coupled with the Facebook antics), all I can say is that I wish more parents were like you.

The thing is, bored people will always view things happening to others and come up with their own little conspiracy theories. If there is a way to bring drama into a situation, they -will- find it.

I'm sorry you got to deal with it. That sucks. But that's their trauma, not yours. You know what really happened. And no one can take that away from you.

shcirerf
02-27-2011, 10:01 PM
Just some random thoughts.

Why is it people think that overweight people don't get divorced or cheat in relationships? Do people think that because someone is overweight they should hang on to a crappy relationship, because it's all they'll ever be able to have?:?:

On the flip side, this would mean only skinny/fit people cheat/get divorced, but hey they are skinny, so that means they are worth being pursued or having a better life.

It's a very skewed and stereotypical view of people.

As far as your family, friends, neighbors, and what they are saying, well people will gossip, it's human nature. My dad said if people were talking about him, they were leaving someone else alone.

Not every person who loses weight is going to get divorced. Most do it for the health benefits. For some it may give them the confidence they need to leave a crappy situation, but they probably would have left eventually anyway, so it really does not matter in the end.

Weight loss being a sign of infidelity? I want to know how people find the time for that skinny or otherwise. Between job, house, family, I'm to dang tired for that nonsense.

I wouldn't worry about it, something else will happen and in a few weeks they'll have someone or something new to talk about.

You could also just tell them the truth, he turned out to not be a very nice guy and you caught him in an cyber affair.

In the end as long as you know the truth, that's all that really matters.

Go forth and be happy!:hug:

shcirerf
02-27-2011, 10:07 PM
If you hadn't lost the weight, the gossips would have been saying "he cheated on her because she's fat" or if you'd been thin all along it would have been because of your drinking or because he became a drug addict or you couldn't agree about entering your children into a beauty pageant...

The gossips just hitched onto your weight loss because it was the most visible. And they can assure themselves it will never happen to them because [insert reason here.]


Totally agree!

time2lose
02-27-2011, 10:09 PM
Eliana, I am so sorry that you have had to go through this. No, you should not care what people think, but you are human and it is difficult to not care. I think Seagirl hit the nail on the head. If you had not lost weight, some people would have thought that you were to blame for your marriage failing because you were obese. Other people may think that you lost weight because you were trying to save your marriage. You just can't control what they think.

Try to let it go. The people you love know the truth and that is good enough!

Nola Celeste
02-27-2011, 11:31 PM
It would bother me too, and I would also think, "This shouldn't bother me!" :)

I think your neighbor is rather appalling for saying that to you. What a ridiculous assumption to make, and even if her kids had said something so insane to her, she didn't need to repeat it to you. Hmph!

You have so many exciting things to look forward to; try not to spend too much time contemplating what the Gladys Kravitzes gossip about. Biddy-hens always cluck and murmur as they're hanging around the henhouse. Try to let it roll off your considerably better-toned and shapelier back as the fretful squawks of nervous barnyard critters.

Obviously that doesn't apply to your mom, but...well, let's face it, no matter how much we love our moms, they're just flat wrong about some things. This is one of them. :)

twinmommaplusone
02-27-2011, 11:32 PM
See I think so differently than most.

If you did lose weight and decided you didnt want to be with your husband, then who cares? Except you? Whats the worst- a neighboring child has childlike thoughts.

I just don't see how it's a bad connection. A person losing weight opens up every amazing part of becoming a new and better person. In order to do that, they not only have to lose their weight but their other 'unbetter half' dead weight too!

I say, even if you did, or didn't or need to, etc then just LIVE YOUR LIFE!

No More Worries! There is no label unless you allow yourself to feel labeled.

For me, if my husband was shiz and I lost all my weight, I can see where I would be like 'know what, I'm stronger now and I aint gotta put up with no shiz!" lmao!!!!!!

I think your Momma is right, I bet you are more confident now than had you been in the old body/mentality as before. There is NO shame in that!

ShesLosingIt
02-27-2011, 11:38 PM
If you hadn't lost the weight, the gossips would have been saying "he cheated on her because she's fat"

Yup! My ex asked for a divorce on New Years Eve last year and it ultimately turned out that there was another woman who was big but not as big as I was. Several of the harpies at work took that to mean he left because I was fat vs he's a cheating SOB.

Just like now that I've lost weight (because *I* wanted to) people ask me if I'm doing it because of the ex or to "find a new man". I mean, yes, I'd love to date again and be more confident but that's not my main reason for losing 150 lbs!

Heh, sorry - got a little worked up there! Basically, I'm saying screw 'em - you rock on and do what you have to do for yourself and your body.

foodmasochist
02-27-2011, 11:57 PM
i agree with twinmomma-even if that WAS how it played out, who TF cares?! i think confidence is a wonderful thing and if you have it now where you didn't before, GOOD! Your marriage was in trouble for a long time. Why can't it be an awesome new beginning no matter what?

Maybe you'd feel better if you had a go-to line when peole said dumb a** crap to you.... like no, i didn't dump him because i lost weight, i dumped him because he wasn't interested in being a husband. You know, just something you could say so you don't have that deer-in-the-headlights feeling.

You are doing great!
-fm

Nikki6kidsmom
02-28-2011, 01:15 AM
Eliana,

I know this has to be maddening to you because it would be to me too. No one ever knows what someones marriage is like behind closed doors. And I am a firm believer in every marriage has it's problems and issue , there are NO perfect ones. Sometimes the best solution is to cut your losses sooner than later.

Please keep in mind this is the newest buzz surrounded around you , pretty soon it will be old news and no one will bat an eye at it. I would tell people it is just what is best for the boys and yourself and refuse to explained yourself any further. The people who love you know the truth.
People are just nosy and rude . They want the gossip and want to make judgments.

I have been very rudely accused of having gastric bypass or lapband in front of a large crowd of people at a school event. I have been asked if I was getting divorced by someone I barely knew at the school and also questioned if I was smoking crack (this person was serious too)!
I' m glad they don't think your smoking crack too hehe!

Big hugs to you. I am sorry your dealing with this. I hope your friends and family rally around you right now. Getting your self in order will only benefit you for the years to come. There is nothing wrong with taking control and gaining confidence, hold your head up high and be proud of who you are! And tell anyone who doesn't like it to KISS OFF :)! My hats off to you.

PS
I wanted to add.. Maybe it would be worth explaining to your Mom that being unhappy in your marriage was bringing you down and holding you back. Now that there is light at the end of the tunnel you feel confident in your future and yourself for gaining control of your happiness.

krampus
02-28-2011, 02:13 AM
No, you shouldn't.

I HATE the mentality that a woman who loses a lot of weight will do things like be unfaithful or ditch her spouse without good reason. I hate that parents and husbands get so paranoid and almost want to keep the women in question fat so that they will be "satisfied."

It's almost as if it doesn't matter to other people what we, the women in question, think and feel about OUR OWN BODIES and OUR OWN weight loss. Whatever happened to the mentality of "She's losing weight and seems very happy to be healthy and slimmer, I am happy for her?"

Rosinante
02-28-2011, 03:44 AM
It shouldn't matter - but you'd be less than human if it didn't!

Losing weight has given me confidence to do all sorts of things, so it wouldn't surprise me if that bit's true - it absolutely does not mean that weightloss was the Cause of it.

Given that people are going to Talk, and there's nothing you can do about it, definitely I'd rather they went for 'she left him because....' rather than 'he cheated on her because she was fat', as seagirl posted.

Try not to get drawn in, try not to feel you have to respond (it'll just sound like you're protesting too much), try and use some of the willpower that you used to lose 90 fat old pounds, and close your mind/ears to the gossip that thoughtless (jealous?) people are going to spout at you: if you're not careful, you could find yourself looking for it everywhere, and if you look, you'll find, and if you keep finding, it's going to totally taint your amazing achievements.
Lots of us get btchy comments from 'friends' related to our weightloss - your 'friends' have got the added gift of being able to say nasty things on a couple of levels. They're still just being jealous/unpleasant/human - rise above.

Eliana
02-28-2011, 10:04 AM
I'm not much of a gossip myself. I'm guilty of listening when the listening's good. ;) But I don't offer up anything from my own lips. I suppose it shouldn't surprise me that the neighbors are talking, and yet it does. I guess I really couldn't care less what the rest of them are doing, so why are they so concerned with me?

It's really coming from the kids. Apparently my boys are getting an earful, though thankfully it's been kind. I guess one of the boys said, "Gosh, last year your mom walked and she was fat and this year she walks and she's skinny." Ah, young teenage boys. LOL!

And yes, why DID that mother feel the need to tell me what her silly child said? Fishing for information? Probably. And I dished. I told her under no circumstances was our failed marriage due to my weight loss. I did not tell her the FB stuff though. That just needs to die. I don't tell anyone anything I don't want to get back to my boys. May they never read this site!

Water off a duck's back, right? That's what I always tell my ten year old. Just be a duck.

joyfulloser
02-28-2011, 10:16 AM
I think that's absurd...no KID would ask such a silly question...that's totally not something kids connect. That TOTALLY sounds like something a NOSEY adult would think. My bet...your neighbor's fishing for info!;) When that happens...I usually just smile and pretend I'm confused...I don't indulge that type of calculative behavior. You do better with me to just ask me something "straight out" and honestly...I HATE that sneaky SHAMELESS behavior...blaming the kids...ohhhhh the shame on her!:mad:

Jonesie
02-28-2011, 11:00 AM
I think that's absurd...no KID would ask such a silly question...that's totally not something kids connect. That TOTALLY sounds like something a NOSEY adult would think. My bet...your neighbor's fishing for info!;)

Yup!

The short answer is No, you shouldnt care what people think but we ALL do to a point. :hug: You're awesome.

FatPantsSkinnyJeans
02-28-2011, 11:40 AM
Wow, that woman has ZERO class.

I'd feel the exact same way. I'd feel so infuriated by the incorrect assumptions that I wouldn't be able to physically contain the truth. But, the other posters are right. It does not help to even acknowledge or feed in to it. It's your life, your business, and it's private.

So what if you DID leave because you felt different?? Significant weight loss also comes with a gain-- self worth.

I also agree with the poster who said to just know and love yourself. You get one life, and there is no use wasting one ounce of energy on someone who brings you down.

Keep that chin up!

carter
02-28-2011, 12:12 PM
You have so many exciting things to look forward to; try not to spend too much time contemplating what the Gladys Kravitzes gossip about.

:lol:

I'm sorry, I don't mean to interrupt this thread but I just have to high-five Nola Celeste on this awesome, AWESOME reference.

:high:

Okay - Eliana, I don't have much to offer. My personal situation is completely different from yours but - for reasons I won't go into here - I fret a great deal about what other people think of me and of my relationships. I know it's wrong, I know I shouldn't care, but I do. So I understand what you feel, even though our lives are different.

I will tell you what the people who love me tell me: You know who you are. You know why you made the choices you made. No one else can walk in your shoes. So just be strong, believe in yourself, and try your best not to fret over what others project onto you.

:hug:

XLMuffnTop
02-28-2011, 12:25 PM
And yes, why DID that mother feel the need to tell me what her silly child said? Fishing for information?

I probably would have gotten a little snippy and made a comment about her child needed more hobbies if he has enough time to think about the complexities and reasons a neighbor's marriage failed. That or "Oh, I didn't realize your marriage was so rocky that your child automatically thinks about divorce at the slightest change." I would have no problem letting her know I realize she's being nosy.

But yeah, she's fishing and it's stupid. It's none of her business. If she were important enough part of your life, she would already know "why's" of the situation.

Jojo381972
02-28-2011, 05:47 PM
Tell her to get a life..well sometimes you just have to stand up for yourself and correct the assumptions that people may have.

Sometimes adults are worse than children, and have to be put in place in an assertive self assured way.

You know yourself, and your friends that know you will know the true you and reasons for your decisions. That's really all that matters. People love to gossip in small towns and I really can't stand that myself. :)

kallismom
02-28-2011, 06:43 PM
Let the haters do what they do best. You look healthy, confident, and HAPPY in all of your recent pics! People probably see that beaming smile a mile away, and can't stand that they don't feel the same.
Keep Smiling, it really does become you! :)

Lori Bell
02-28-2011, 07:02 PM
Gosh, I guess I must be the only person here who has known MANY woman who have lost weight and either cheated on or left their husbands. It happens around here a lot. Even my own sister did it...twice!! Though she ended up staying with her current husband after counseling and put all the weight back on.

I'm sure millions of people lose weight for health, (you and me and many of us chickies here being some of them), but losing weight to find another man is the oldest trick in the book, so I can see why people might think that. If you were my neighbor, (Who has also done it), I'd probably think the same thing. lol Though I totally agree with Joyfulloser...no kid thinks of stuff like that, (unless they have lived it), it was mama who came up with that thought all by her brilliant self :rolleyes: and used her kid as a ruse.

My advice is to just take it with a grain of salt. If I let every rumor about me and my weight loss get me down, I'd never get up! :hug:

MzHopeful
02-28-2011, 07:04 PM
I bet that lady was definatley telling you that, to fish for information. If her kids even said that at all. It may have been coming from her own mouth. And you did really well, taking the high road and not disclosing any of the personal details of the real reason for the divorce. You should be proud of yourself for that and for your amazing weightloss. Your ex knows good and well what he did, and why the marriage is ending thats all that matters.

GirlyGirlSebas
02-28-2011, 07:45 PM
Neighbors always find a reason to gossip. Am I surprised that they think this about you? No. Should your neighbor have said what she did? Absolutely not! There is never a good excuse to be rude. Try not to let it get to you too much. The people who really matter will know you and will know the truth.

Arctic Mama
03-01-2011, 01:29 AM
I agree it sounds like tasteless, shameless fishing. Of course you shouldn't care, but that doesn't make the speculation not hurt. My opinion is that you should just let it slide off, honestly, and tell the truth. The marriage wasn't working and had been declining for years, it was time for an amicable separation.

I'm sorry you're being given trouble and rude speculation over this :(