Alternachicks - Scotch and Humour

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12-10-2002, 12:25 AM
Yes Ellis and Den-you asked for you got it -the Scotch and Humour is back !


Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.

Life is and endless struglle full of frustrations, but eventually you find a hairstylist you like.

One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of chocolate can make a person gain five pounds.

I finally got my head together and my body fell apart.

Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it somehow shrinks two sizes.

Age is important only if you are cheese or wine.

Is it a coincidence that "STRESSED" is "DESSERTS" spelled backwards?

12-10-2002, 08:15 AM
Aaaaaaaah! Home sweet home. Thank you, Mauvais. I DO like a little scotch with my humour.

12-10-2002, 03:30 PM
It's even good with humor!

12-10-2002, 03:44 PM
Below are some letters to God from Children.

Dear God,
Please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there now.

Dear God,
Thank you for the baby brother but what I asked for was a puppy. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up.

Dear Mr. God,
I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart. I had to have 3 stitches and a shot.

Dear God,
If we come back as something, please don't let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her.

Dear God,
It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about you that people are not supposed to say, but I hope you will not hurt him anyway.
Your friend (I am not going to tell you who I am).

Dear God,
I read the bible. What does begat mean? Nobody will tell me.
Love, Alison

Dear God,
How did you know you were God?

Dear God,
Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house?

Dear God,
I bet it's very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it.

Dear God:
Did you really mean Do Unto Others As They Do Unto You, because if you did then I'm going to fix my brother.

Dear God,
I like the story about Chanukah the best of all of them. You really made up some good ones.

Dear God,
My Grandpa says you were around when he was a little boy. How far back do you go?
Love, Dennis

Dear God,
Who draws the lines around the countries?

Dear God,
It's O.K. that you made different religions but don't you get mixed up sometimes?

Dear God,
Did you mean for giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?

Dear God,
In bible times did they really talk that fancy?

Dear God,
What does it mean you are a jealous God? I thought you had everything.

Dear God,
How come you did all those miracles in the old days and don't do any now?

Dear God,
Please send Dennis Clark to a different camp this year.

Dear God,
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother.

Dear God,
I keep waiting for spring but it never did come yet. Don't forget.

Dear God,
You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways.

Dear God,
My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right.

Dear God,
If you watch in Church on Sunday I will show you my new shoes.
Mickey D.

Dear God,
Is Reverend Coe a friend of yours, or do you just know him through business?

Dear God,
In Sunday School they told us what you do. Who does it when you are on Vacation?

Dear God,
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday School they said you did it. So I bet he stoled your idea.
Sincerely, Donna

Dear God,
I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well, I just want you to know but I am not just saying that because you are God.

Dear God,
It is great the way you always get the Stars in the right places.

Dear God,
I am doing the best I can.

Dear God,
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool.

12-10-2002, 04:09 PM
Well if you MUST spell humour that way!! :D

I love the one about "who puts the lines around the countries".

12-10-2002, 04:55 PM
I like the one about the sunset!!!

12-10-2002, 05:08 PM
We are heading into a purple and orange sunset right now. I liked that one too, Den.

12-16-2002, 06:59 PM
Man's five most feared questions:
1.. What are you thinking about?
2.. Do you love me?
3.. Do I look fat?
4.. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5.. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e. tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analysed below along with possible responses.

Question 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I have been a bit pensive darling. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
1.. Nothing
2.. Football
3.. Jennifer Lopez
4.. How fat you are
5.. How would I spend the insurance money if you died

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg: "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you."

Question 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is necessary: "Yes, dear."
Inappropriate responses include:
1.. Oh yeah, sh*t loads
2.. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
3.. That depends on what you mean by love
4.. Does it matter
5.. Who, me?

Question 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!!"
Among the incorrect answers are:
1.. Compared to what?
2.. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
3.. A little extra weight looks good on you.
4.. I've seen fatter.
5.. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question 4: Do you think she is prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!!"
Incorrect responses include:
1.. Yes, but you have a better personality
2.. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
3.. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
4.. Define "pretty"
5.. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question 5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question. (The real answer of course is "Buy a Ferrari and a boat".)
No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along these lines:
WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not? Don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurt look on her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't. She's left-handed.
WOMAN: ...silence...
MAN: Sh*t.

12-16-2002, 11:52 PM
Okay, I told DH that if I die first I WANT him to find someone else. But I also told him that if he brought a date to my funeral i would haunt him FOREVER (especially when he is having sex!!)

12-17-2002, 08:58 AM
heh heh. That's good, Squeak.

12-18-2002, 12:20 AM
A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After
dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young

The father invites the fiance to his study for a drink. "So what
are your plans?" the father asks the young man.

"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.

"A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what
will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's
accustomed to?"

"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she
deserves?" asks the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God
will provide for us."

"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancee.

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions,
the young idealist insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"

The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news
is he thinks I'm God."

12-18-2002, 06:09 PM

12-18-2002, 11:38 PM
I think I may have already posted this. But what the heck...

This guy was lonely and decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box.

He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time. This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?

A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! "I'm putting on my *ucking shoes."

01-03-2003, 08:29 AM
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules. "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $40 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $90. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $200. Are there any questions?"

At this, a male student in the crowd inquires, "How much for a season pass?"

01-03-2003, 08:34 AM
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of this bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying
polite words, playing soft music, and anything he could think of to set a
good example. Nothing worked.

Finally, John got fed up and he yelled at the parrot. And, the bird yelled
back. John shook the parrot, and the bird got angrier and ruder. Finally, in a moment of desperation, John put the bird in the refrigerator freezer.

For a few minutes, John heard the bird squawk and kick and scream...
then suddenly there was quiet. Not a peep for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the bird, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I am truly sorry, and I will do everything to correct my poor behavior."

John was astonished at the bird's change of attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"

01-03-2003, 07:42 PM
TOO FUNNY!!! (Especially the second one!!)

01-07-2003, 08:10 AM
Ok this may not go with all of the feminist talk going on, but I thought this was a really cute joke.

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish." Suddenly, the skyclouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic.Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, awish you think would honor and glorify me!"
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy?"
After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

01-07-2003, 07:19 PM
An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes.

Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.

"Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St.Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and said that for a donation of $50, we could return to earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here."

"That's amazing!" said the one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"

"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay his."

01-07-2003, 08:22 PM
:lol: :lol: :lol: very funny goyles!

01-09-2003, 12:51 PM
>A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. >

>A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull dog on a leash. Behind her were 200 women walking single file.
>The woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.
>Whose funeral is it?"
>The woman replied, "Well, the first hearse is for my husband, my pit bull attacked and killed him. The second is my mother-in-law, she tried to stop the attack, and the pit bull killed her also."
>A poignant and thoughtful moment pass between the two women.
>"Can I borrow the dog?"
>"Get in line."

01-09-2003, 08:09 PM
Oh my god Kat! That was so funny :lol: :lol: :lol:

01-17-2003, 10:20 PM

As soon as she had finished convent school, a bright young girl named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business.

Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church where she had always attended as a child.

In the confessional, Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant.

She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage. She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and backflips.

Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other, "Will you jus' look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me without me bloomers on!"

01-18-2003, 09:22 AM
heh heh

01-20-2003, 04:32 PM
Two elderly ladies were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long time.... but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and stared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

Two elderly women were eating at a restaurant. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear, "Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel pulled it out & stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I know where my hearing aid is."

An elderly couple on a cruise were standing on the deck when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. After searching in vain for days, the captain sent the old man back to shore with a promise to notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a
fax: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her rear was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000, please advise" The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap"

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I gettin' in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea and listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.."

01-20-2003, 09:24 PM
I see where I'm headed...:lol:

01-20-2003, 10:47 PM

Ham sandwhich walks into a bar and asks for a beer.
Bartender says, Cant you read, we don't serve food here!

Miss Chris

01-21-2003, 11:51 AM
This man in a Volkswagen Beetle pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls:

"Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?"

The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do."

"I got one too... see?"

"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."

"You got a fax machine?"

"Why, actually, yes, I do."

"I do too! See? It's right here!"


The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen says,

"So, do you have a double bed in back there?"

And the guy in the Rolls says, "NO! Do you?"

"Yep, got my double bed right in back here see?!"

The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off. Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he goes immediately to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car.

About two weeks later, the job is finally done and he picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen. He finally finds it parked alongside the road so he pulls his Rolls up next to it. The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels a little awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen. The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and
peeks out.

The guy in the Rolls says, "Hey. Remember me?"

"Yeah, yeah, I remember you. What's up?"

"Check this out... I got a double bed installed in my Rolls." And the man in the Volkswagen says,


01-23-2003, 05:07 PM
When I was a kid adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up;
what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning uphill both ways through year 'round blizzards carrying their younger siblings on their backs to their one-room schoolhouse where they maintained a straight-A average despite their full-time after-school job at the local textile mill where they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help keep their family from
starving to death!

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up there was no way in **** I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But...Now that I've reached the ripe old age of (****your age here****) I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.
You've got it so f***'ing easy!
I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a god damed Utopia!
And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet
If we wanted to know something we had to go to the god damned library and look it up ourselves!
And there was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter-with apen!
And then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the f***in' mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!
And there were no MP3s or Napsters!
You wanted to steal music, you had to go to the god damned record store and shoplift it yourself!
Or we had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ' usually talked over the beginning and f*** it all up!
You want to hear about hardship?
You couldn't just download porn!
You had to bribe some homeless dude to buy you a copy of "Hustler" at the 7-11!
We didn't have fancy **** like Call Waiting!
If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal
And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either!
When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was it could be your boss, your Mom, a collections agent, your drug dealer, you didn't know!!!
You just had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
And we didn't have any fancy Sony Play station video games with
high-resolution 3-D graphics!
We had theAtari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and "Asteroids" and the graphics sucked!
Your guy was a little square! You had to use your imagination!
And there were no multiple levels or screens; it was just one screenforever!
And you could never win, the game just kept getting harder and faster until you died!....... Just like LIFE!
When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating!
All the seats were the same height!
A tall guy sat in front of you, you were screwed!
And sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 20channels and there was no on screen menu!
You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on!
Remote, what remote??
You had to get off your fat *** and change the friggin channel!!!
CD's, DVD's, Webcams, Pentium IV What the f*** is
And there was no Cartoon Network! You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning...
...D'ya hear what the **** I'm saying!?!
We had to wait ALL WEEK, you spoiled little *******s!
That's exactly what I'm talking about!
You kids today have got it too easy!
You're spoiled, I swear to God!
You guys wouldn't last five minutes back in 1980!

01-23-2003, 05:13 PM
almost peed my pants :lol:

01-23-2003, 05:57 PM
OMG I feel old! Except instead of Atari we had an intellivision and computers ran on these things called floppy discs and you had to take them in and out to get the program to run! LOL!

Miss Chris

01-24-2003, 02:05 AM
Crap I'm getting old... :o

01-24-2003, 11:50 AM
ME TOO!!!!

01-24-2003, 12:03 PM
1980???? Heck, try growing up in the 60s!! Imagine, watching "The Wizard of Oz" only ONCE A YEAR!

01-24-2003, 01:20 PM
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park.

What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear - everything there was Wow!

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie - the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms.

What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked,"Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"

One eye slowly opened, and then the wife said, "Honey, I meant my dress size."

The moral of this story: Even when the man is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong.

01-24-2003, 03:59 PM
Oh boy, that was good! Aint that the truth!

01-24-2003, 07:38 PM

GOOD one!!!!

01-26-2003, 08:15 PM
An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he
sat sipping his whiskey a young lady sat down next to
him. After a long silence she turned to the cowboy and
asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "Well, I've
spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses,
mending fences, and branding cattle, so I guess I am."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking
about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I
think about women. When I shower, watch TV, eat,
whatever, everything seems to make me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side
of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

The old cowboy replied, "I always thought I was, but I
just found out I'm a lesbian.

01-27-2003, 04:10 PM

01-27-2003, 07:13 PM
A well-known and well-loved cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral, with many of his fellow MDs in attendance. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When confronted, he said "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral -- See, I'm a gynecologist."

At that point, the proctologist fainted.

01-28-2003, 07:51 AM
blah! :lol:

01-28-2003, 08:19 PM
:lol: :lol: :lol: Thanks Barefoot! I was feeling kind of bummed out today and that made me laugh out loud! :D

01-28-2003, 09:13 PM
OMG I am FOFLMAO. That was so funny Barefoot!

01-28-2003, 11:01 PM
LOL, Barefoot...:lol:

Here's another one:


The wedding day was fast approaching. Everything was ready, and nothing could dampen Jennifer's excitement, not even her parents' nasty divorce.

Her mother Sheila finally found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother of the bride EVER!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn her new young
stepmother, Barbie, had purchased the same dress as Jennifer's mother's.

She asked Barbie to exchange the dress, but Barbie refused, "Absolutely not! I'm going to wear this dress; I'll look like a million in it!"

Jennifer told her mother, who graciously replied, "Never mind dear. I'll get another dress, after all it's YOUR special day, not hers."

Two weeks later, another dress was finally found. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "What are you going to do with the first dress? Maybe you should return it. You don't have any place to wear it."

Sheila grinned and replied, "Of course, I do, dear! I'm wearing it
to the rehearsal dinner!"

Now what woman wouldn't like this story?!


01-29-2003, 12:54 AM
HAHAHA!!! Some GREAT jokes!!!!

Beer Troubleshooting -

(In case you're having issues with your beer, we've provided some
hints for your convenience. No need to thank us, just buy us a beer.)

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror


SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

01-29-2003, 07:59 AM
Good ones, Karen and Den!

01-29-2003, 04:22 PM
Silly, but cute :)

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.
The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence.
The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?"
She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", hard bodied, well-hung, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, 'My God....'"

01-29-2003, 05:08 PM

01-31-2003, 08:51 AM
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and
torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could
give him back his manhood, but that his insurance couldn't cover the
surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back int o the room, and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".

01-31-2003, 09:15 AM

Miss Chris

01-31-2003, 09:17 AM
You betcha! ROFLOLPIMP!

01-31-2003, 07:15 PM
Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Mrs. Hester had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Stephanie, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, Mrs. Hester started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Stephanie than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you that Stephanie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Brian said, "Well I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' that the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Brian"
Several days later, Brian received a letter from his mother that read:
"Dear Son, I"m not saying that you 'do' sleep with Stephanie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Stephanie. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"


01-31-2003, 07:16 PM
Of course my mother sent me that!

02-02-2003, 08:53 AM
Cute, Kat. :lol:

There are two nuns. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the
other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they
are still far away from the convent.

SM : Have you noticed that a man has been following us
for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL : It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM : Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
at the most. What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He
started to walk faster too.

SM : So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go
this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried what has happened
to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he
followed me.

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and
he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM : What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down........

And those of you who thought it would be dirty, pray for forgiveness-- you heathens!

02-02-2003, 11:54 AM

Miss Chris<-----heathen

02-04-2003, 11:44 PM
A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife; so he went to a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness which he read on the way home. He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.

The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that *I* am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward.Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The freakin' funeral director," said his wife.


Ellis... Christian (but not RC) :lol:

02-05-2003, 10:13 AM
Tee Hee - another one for my pal David Scotland the funeral director. He loves the "changed the heads" one.

02-06-2003, 05:22 PM
The wedding night came and the groom offered his new wife his pants. She says I can't wear these their too big. He says, "You'll never be able to fill those pants cause I am the man in the house" So she offered him her pants and told him to put them on. He says I can't get into these. She says, "You never will unless you change that attitude";)

Miss Chris:dizzy:

02-07-2003, 01:32 AM
Good one!!

02-14-2003, 10:18 PM
Tom had been in business for 25 years and was finally sick of the stress. He quit his job and bought 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He saw the postman once a week and got groceries once a month. Otherwise, it was total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocked on his door. He opened it and there is a huge, bearded man standing there. "Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night... thought you might like to come...about 5:00." "Great," says Tom, "after
six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you!" As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you...There's gonna be some drinkin'." "Not a problem," says Tom. "After 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of 'em." Again, as he starts ! to leave, Lars stops. "More 'n likely gonna be some
fightin', too." Tom says, "Well, I get along with people, I'll be alright. I'll be there. Thanks again." Once again Lars turns from the door. "More 'n likely be some wild sex, too." "Now that's really not a problem," says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?" Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us."

02-15-2003, 01:19 AM
hahahahahahahahahahahaha! Oh god... thank you, Kat. I needed that.

It's midnight. I've slept for two nights on a living room chair. Looks like this is going to be the third. I've been trying to get some sleep since 8 this evening, but my throat.... oooooooooooh my throat. I'm giving in... I'm going to the drop-in clinic tomorrow.

I've had a couple of shots of hard liquor. Maybe 3 shots. Nothing. Took 5 Advil. Nothing. Cough syrup that's supposed to cure every ailment on earth. Nothing. Been using my inhaler and drinking LOTS of water. Now I'm sipping hot honey and lemon. It's not working, but at least it's warm and I'm upright. :yawn:

02-15-2003, 03:07 AM
Awwww....I know EXACTLY how you feel, my poor little ellis...I hope it goes away soon. I still have a slight soreness...dh found this stuff that really helped, Tylenol Sore Throat. I never saw it before, but it really helped to take the pain away. Hang in there!

02-15-2003, 02:58 PM
A man hated his wife's cat and he decided to get rid of it. He drove 20 blocks away from home and dropped the cat there. The cat was already walking up the driveway when he approached his home.
The next day, he decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away but the same thing happened.
He kept on increasing the number of blocks but the cat kept on coming home before him. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a perfect spot and dropped the cat there.
Hours later, the man calls his wife at home and asked her, "Jen is the cat there?"
"Yes, why do you ask?" answered the wife.
Frustrated the man said, "Put that cat on the phone, I am lost and I need directions."

02-15-2003, 08:26 PM
Tylenol Sore Throat!? I will look for it... thank you, Kat!
I just can't believe how much my throat hurts! And it's been four days!! TOO MUCH!!
Knowing it would hurt, I had a little cry in the car on the way home from the doctor's office. It DID hurt! damn. Can't even have a good cry! :mad:

02-15-2003, 11:34 PM
Funny jokes Kat!!