30-Somethings - When it comes to dating, do you turn into a teenager?




Eliana
02-20-2011, 03:59 PM
I am feeling ridiculous! :p

I am not quite divorced, and so not ready to date just yet. But I have been in a loveless marriage for such a long time that I honestly thought my feelings of love and desire were dead. I truly thought that part of me had died or was broken. Turns out it wasn't me! :dizzy:

There's one male perspective in my life...one. And we are in the exact same situation, which is weird. The thing is, I can not get him out of my head. I can not stop thinking about him. Where weight loss used to be my obsession, now thinking about him is.

And I am obsessed with getting rid of this belly before he ever gets the chance to see it!

And I'm not even sure he feels the same about me. On his part, it may well be completely platonic.

On the one hand, I love the feelings I have. They're overwhelming sometimes. On the other hand, am I supposed to feel this way at age 36?

And one thing I hate is that I can talk to any guy any time and joke around and be really open. But with this guy? All words escape my brain. He has to carry the conversation, which sucks! They say guys like a confident woman. Well, hopefully he sees that I am quite confident...with other guys! LOL!

Ok, girly post over. :o I just feel like talking.


CanadianCutie
02-20-2011, 04:36 PM
I understand your feelings completely. I was so nervous around my (now) fiance when we were first friends albeit online friends, and then the first couple visits to see him. I still get butterflies every time I see him. I think it's a great sign that you're having these feelings. Be there for each other and try to be more comfortable around him, easier said than done I know. Enjoy the feelings of a potential budding romance. I'll bet he's just waiting to see if you're interested.

Spinach
02-20-2011, 05:29 PM
I am feeling ridiculous!On the one hand, I love the feelings I have. They're overwhelming sometimes. On the other hand, am I supposed to feel this way at age 36?

Yes
Yes
Yes
:p

It's a great feeling!
You deserve t feel giddy and girly!
You deserve the best guy that makes you happy!
who cares what your age is?

Is there a forum section somewhere in here for this? Girls who chat with guys on the internet and all the accompanying fear/victories it involves?
If there isn't... there should be!


Eliana
02-20-2011, 05:59 PM
Yes
Yes
Yes
:p

It's a great feeling!
You deserve t feel giddy and girly!
You deserve the best guy that makes you happy!
who cares what your age is?

Is there a forum section somewhere in here for this? Girls who chat with guys on the internet and all the accompanying fear/victories it involves?
If there isn't... there should be!

LOL! He's not an internet guy, actually. He's a guy I know in the real world. Honestly I've had a crush on him for a little while but suppressed it. The timing isn't quite right for either of us.

I like feeling this way, sometimes, but at other times I just want to know. I just want to crystal ball gaze...just a little.

AZ Sunrises
02-20-2011, 06:08 PM
It's funny how the wrong person convinces us that we're broken instead of taking their share of the blame for a situation. It's nice to realize that you can still feel...amazing. :hug:

marianne78
02-21-2011, 08:31 AM
It's a great feeling!
You deserve t feel giddy and girly!
You deserve the best guy that makes you happy!
who cares what your age is?

I echo this. The start of a new relationship is always glorious. Just enjoy the ride and hope that it lasts a long, long time. :)

caryesings
02-21-2011, 09:27 AM
Yep, I started dating at age 50 after 18 years out of the scene. Astonished at how all those awkward, giddy, obsessive thoughts came back.

Eliana
02-21-2011, 09:29 AM
I'm glad it's not just me. :D

I handled myself pretty well this morning, if I do say so myself. I've calmed my brain down and am taking the it-will-happen-when-it-happens approach. LOL! It's not happening any time soon!

I don't know how to start dating. There kind of isn't anyone. I'm not the bar going type. I'm looking forward to Summer when I plan to join some outdoorsy type groups.

Mitza24
02-21-2011, 09:48 AM
That's the best part of dating!!! Enjoy every minute of it! Very happy for you

guamvixen
02-23-2011, 09:43 AM
I remember that feeling! I actually thought that I had lost all hope in love, because I didn't want to trust any men. It was almost as though my ex-husband took every last bit of love out of me!

But when it happened, it was FANTASTIC! An upward spiral that sent my emotions to cloud 9! I was like a teenager, I was giddy, nervous around him, you name it! Isn't it refreshing knowing that after all your poor little heart has been through, it can still consider letting someone else in and begin to beat again? Hope it all works out!

Like you, I wanted to lose the last of my belly before he ever saw me, but he had already known I was over weight before, so I "warned" him before hand. It wasn't a big deal. To me it still is, but that's a totally different issue!

Emme
02-23-2011, 10:48 AM
Woo-hoo!! That's awesome that you are feeling that giddiness! I'm sure it is absolutely normal. :) My S-I-L's husband died a few years ago and she has been on the dating scene recently, and when we chat it's like we are in high school talking about boys -- it's super fun and she's all excited and everything. Good for you! Have fun!

saef
02-23-2011, 10:50 AM
You know, it's okay to take your time at this, Eliana. You don't need to get someone immediately. What I'm saying is, you don't need to "settle" if someone doesn't feel right or if you're unsure.

You can try being on your own a little while & be choosy about the men whom life presents to you.

guamvixen
02-23-2011, 11:20 AM
You know, it's okay to take your time at this, Eliana. You don't need to get someone immediately. What I'm saying is, you don't need to "settle" if someone doesn't feel right or if you're unsure.

You can try being on your own a little while & be choosy about the men whom life presents to you.

Brilliant. This is exactly what I did. I was very choosy, partly because I was so shy. I wanted something rather old fashioned. He fit the bill! Waited almost 2 years before I started back up. In the mean time, it was all about myself. The wait was worth it!

Forgot to add, the one "prospect" I had while on my journey, ended up being a shallow hack. Glad I found out then, instead of later.

Eliana
02-23-2011, 11:44 AM
You know, it's okay to take your time at this, Eliana. You don't need to get someone immediately. What I'm saying is, you don't need to "settle" if someone doesn't feel right or if you're unsure.

You can try being on your own a little while & be choosy about the men whom life presents to you.

You know, I'm actually quite annoyed with myself that I AM having this feeling because I would prefer to pride myself on not needing a man. I don't need a man. I didn't need my husband. I've been living independently and powerfully for 10 of the 12 years we've been married. In fact, marriage is so far off my radar as to be something undesirable.

So imagine my surprise when, without trying, I found a man who is athletic, smart (so smart!), kind, DEDICATED, reliable, has tremendous work ethic, friendly, caring, selfless...

Also...a bit TMI here...no one in the real world knows this. My husband suffered from ED our entire marriage...the entire marriage....all of it. Our two children are truly miracles. And the little blue pill didn't work. This is what I mean when I said I thought that part of me was dead and I was quite surprised to find out it wasn't. I had turned it off because I had to and I never complained. I said it wasn't important. I told myself it wasn't important. We'd watch TV and my husband would oogle over the women and ask me which men I was attracted to? I wasn't. Not to any of them. No man on television or in the movies did I find attractive. :( I really thought I'd lost that part of me.

So...even if this doesn't work out, and it may not, I'm enjoying knowing I'm not dead. :D There's hope for me yet.

tea2
02-23-2011, 11:55 AM
Being a little susceptible does not equal losing your independence. And you've been repressed sexually in the marriage, so it's bound to come back x 10. And the 40s will be yet crazier for the hormones...trust me :D.

Happy for you! :D

saef
02-23-2011, 05:09 PM
This is what I mean when I said I thought that part of me was dead and I was quite surprised to find out it wasn't. I had turned it off because I had to and I never complained. I said it wasn't important. I told myself it wasn't important. We'd watch TV and my husband would oogle over the women and ask me which men I was attracted to? I wasn't. Not to any of them. No man on television or in the movies did I find attractive. :( I really thought I'd lost that part of me.

So...even if this doesn't work out, and it may not, I'm enjoying knowing I'm not dead. :D There's hope for me yet.

Thanks for entrusting that confidence to us all. :hug: That just gave me much greater perspective on what you went through ... what you're going through.

I wish you awesome sex, when you do have it, and playfulness & humor & plenty of warmth & sharing.

And may you avoid anyone insensitive or idiotic.

As for what you choose to share, & with whom, the Internet is so weird, with its extreme intimacy & anonymity, so of course I'm not getting the whole picture.

Ignore anything I say that doesn't seem right for your situation.

DigitalSinner
02-23-2011, 05:38 PM
I would prefer to pride myself on not needing a man. I don't need a man. I didn't need my husband. I've been living independently and powerfully for 10 of the 12 years we've been married.

Just remember there is a HUGE difference between needing a man and wanting to share your life with someone. After my divorce I enjoyed dating very much. I refused to settle down and didn't want to be tied to anyone. I made that clear with any and all interested parties from the get go.

At the end of the day, no matter age, or size or anything else, you're still a girl. With the rare exception, we love the attention. Admit it...you turn a head in the grocery store or at the gas pump and you walk away smiling because it makes you feel good.

Love yourself and don't ever feel like you deserve anything less than the best. You'll be amazed at what that outlook alone can do for you!

MariaMaria
02-23-2011, 05:57 PM
Wanting a relationship or even being open to a relationship isn't about needing or weakness. Being open to being part of a great partnership, team, couple doesn't make you any less anything on your own, you know? There's no inherent virtue in doing without love (or, in my personal moral code which I'm aware is not universal, great sex).

And the upthread comment about sex getting better in your 40s? Yeah, that. Something kind of clicked in my mid-30s, actually, and it's been eye-opening.

Eliana
02-24-2011, 03:38 PM
Saef, you're wonderful. ;) Of course I understand the "but...but...but" syndrome that happens on message boards. Sometimes I just say "thanks" and let it go. This time I felt like clarifying. It is indeed hard to get a clear snapshot of someone's life no matter how much detail we stick in there. And regardless, your advice is sound!! Why do I need a man right now? Why not take it slow? I wisely tell myself that every day! It's just that my brain and my hormones aren't communicating right now. :D

Digital, yeah, I'd love to turn a head or two!! Unfortunately, there aren't any heads to turn!! The only head I've turned is the head of my best friend's husband and he had better knock it off! ;) I do love the attention. But unless men are checking out my backside unbeknownst to me, it ain't happenin'!

Maria, thank you. On some level I know that you are right. I'm not sure what it is I'm looking for right now. Right now, in this moment...I think I'm looking for a partner. By my definition that is someone who can provide a needed hug at the end of a hard day, someone who will go for a walk with me, play a game with me, take me to dinner, show me how to fix my leaky sink and someone who will light up my eyes when he enters the room. Will I love such a person? I'm not sure. I'm not in a place right now where I know the difference between infatuation and love. I'm not sure I ever did know that distinction, which is what got me into the mess I ended up in to begin with. I was in love with the idea of being in love. I won't make that mistake again. So I guess while I'm looking for intimacy and partnership, I'm not sure if I will ever trust what "love" is. Love isn't something I'm looking for. Not right now. Nor is sleeping around, please don't read that wrong. There will be no intimacy without some sort of loose commitment to each other, that's just the kind of girl I am. ;)

MariaMaria
02-24-2011, 03:47 PM
Good for you, Eliana.

Now. I'm totally overstepping here, but do you need the "safer sex" lecture? Here goes: Use condoms. Every time. Even if he objects. Even if he says he'll pull out. Even if he says he can't orgasm with them. Even if he says he can't maintain an erection with them. Even if he says he loves you. Even if he says you'd let him if you loved him. Until/unless you're monogamously committed and you've BOTH been tested.

'kay?

Eliana
02-24-2011, 05:47 PM
Like I said....there will be no intimacy without some sort of commitment. Not marriage...but commitment. ;)