<sigh> Where to begin. This will be long and probably sporadic. I'd understand if you wanted to skip over it, but I really hope somebody can give me some help.
First some background. My mother is a severe alcoholic. I grew up watching addiction. Feeling the hope on the good days, celebrating the little progressions, and then the disappointment, anger, fear on the relapses. On one hand I just wanted her to be normal and to put the drink down, but I grew up watching her *struggle* with it. Maybe I just have a deeper understanding of the mental/emotional struggle with a disorder than other people because I watched her WANT to put the drink down but not be able to. Also, because of her drinking, I was alone most of my childhood and learned to use food as comfort, something to do, "company," and also as something I could control.
Well throughout my childhood and very early adult years (I'm 22), I turned out quite well considering my upbringing. I went to an elite prep school back East, got a full ride scholarship and just graduated college near the top of my class. Never got in trouble, never hung out with the wrong crowd. I was always chubby, but even still, my eating wasn't all that disordered. I ate too much fast food, could definitely eat more than my fair share of junk food, didn't exercise enough. I even had a few days when I turned to a tub of ice cream because I was just upset. That's not healthy behavior, but it wasn't anything that deviated way outside the boundaries of normal. I wasn't a serious overeater or anything. I wanted to lose weight, but I just wasn't psychotic about it.
I met my now-husband two years ago. We fell in love fast and were talking about a future together early on. About six months after we met, he went to Iraq. I decided to use that year to get healthy. And get healthy I did. My healthy decisions snowballed quickly. It started out as just cutting back and playing on Wii Fit. But as I was motivated by real results on the scale, my plan got more specific. I truly did lose weight in a healthy smart way. I was not obsessed with counting calories, rather, I enjoyed putting together menus that were healthy and tasty. A treat now and then didn't derail me, in fact, I planned them. The whole thing was a fun healthy hobby for me, and I was loving myself more and more. I was proud of my results, how I looked, how great I felt. I told my then-fiance, who was still in Iraq, and he was proud of me and assured me that I was beautiful no matter what. I was happier than I ever had been before.
Then he came home. And PLEASE, I am NOT saying that I became unhappy because he came home. But it began a domino effect, of sorts, that have brought me to where I am today. He came home from a year in Iraq and moved in with me. I was thrilled to have him home, but there was that awkward period where we had to get to know each other all over again. Suddenly I wasn't an eating buddy who could drink beers and eat pizza every night. He wanted me to "eat normal." He wanted me to cook his favorite foods like cheesy enchiladas, meatloaf, etc. I wanted to do this for him too, since heck, I love him and he just spent a year at war. So I would make him his greasy cheesy delicious foods, and I would eat my "on plan" meals. This didn't bother me one bit, I cooked it, cleaned up after it, and didn't mind any of it. He wanted us to eat *together* as in eat the same things. I can understand this, I really can, but I needed him to understand that it was hard for me. I tried for a couple days to eat light during the day, eat a small portion of the greasy unhealthy food and a big salad, but I was just hungry and unsatisfied. So ever since, we'd been trying to find a balance between Megan-food and Sean-food and who eats what, etc.
Well on top of that stress, I graduated college three months after he got home. Then three days later we got married. Then two weeks later we moved to a new state. I had a new routine, was in a new place, didn't know anybody, so that was stressful. Most of the stress was from positive things, but stressful nonetheless. I was thrilled to be married, to graduate, even moving has been exciting. I am not unhappy with those changes, but they've thrown my "on plan" eating out of whack. I binged. It started out as just one bad day. Then we'd have friends over and I'd have another bad day. My dreadful all or nothing mentality makes me think "Ugh, I'm going to have a bad dinner tonight, might as well just screw it for the day" so I binge. I had about three weeks of just bad eating. A few days thrown in. I was up 6 pounds and mad at myself...that was NOT me. So I told my husband. I told him what I'd been doing, and I was ashamed, but also relieved to tell somebody. I told him I'd been sneaking food and eating it in private. I told him this needed to quit. I also explained to him where a lot of my food problems stemmed from. Using it as a coping mechanism as a child, then having self esteem issues, etc. I told him that I soooo desperately needed him to show me that he loves me and that he thinks I'm beautiful no matter if I'm up 6 lbs and that we can get over this little bump together.
Well, again my all or nothing mentality. I felt like I'd had three weeks of bad eating, I was up on the scale, I needed to remedy the situation. I needed to grasp some control back. I needed to restrict for a few days for damage control. So restrict I did. I have eaten 600 calories for about the last week. Nothing healthy. Big bowls of popcorn because it makes me feel full. I knew it was wrong, unhealthy, completely against my beloved plan. I knew it was stupid while I was doing it. But I craved that control feeling. To be in control again, back on the horse, telling myself "no" to food I wanted to eat. I wanted that again. I am not justifying it, but those were the thoughts in my head.
Well last night my husband and I went to dinner with some friends. I had bad heartburn to the point where I got fainty...that cold sweat, shaky, dizzy headrush feeling. I stood up, and my husband came with me while I got some air. I told him flat out...I'm hurting myself, I know it's dumb, I need your help to get back on the right track. I started feeling better, went back and sat down for dinner. Perhaps since we were with friends, he showed loving behavior. Squeezed my hand and smiled at me. I ate most of my large place of grilled tuna and sauted veggies and even a piece of bread with some butter on it. I am not afraid to put food in my mouth. It was a healthy meal, I enjoyed it, and I was looking forward to having the support of my husband while I planned good healthy balanced meals when I got home. Starving myself is NOT something I do. It was a bad week, it was dumb, I don't want to do that nonsense. I like being a healthy vibrant person that eats good nourishing food.
Welllll...we got home, went to bed, and I was eager to talk about it in the morning. I wanted to tell him my healthy plans. But then all fit hit the shan. He told me our entire marriage has been a lie. If he had known I was a binge eater and anorexic before, he wouldn't have married me. He said it wouldn't be a divorce, it would just be an anullment. I tried to tell him that I understood his anger and frustration, and that I was angry and frustrated at myself for this stupid week, but I was getting on back on track. I begged him to have some compassion, not just anger. He said he couldn't, how could he have compassion for a problem that was in my control to fix. (This is where I think that I might just have a better understanding of disordered thinking. He doesn't understand how difficult it is for me to just "eat normal"). What I absolutely desperately need most from him is a hug. An "I love you, and I support you." I can understand his anger, but I need some overlap with love. At first he said he was hard on me with anger because he loved me. Not five minutes later he said he doesn't love me right now. He said he wasn't attracted to me.
He walked off, and I'm not sure where he went or if he'll come back. I'm heartbroken, ashamed that our marriage is in such shambles after two months, disgusted with myself that I could let 6lbs make such a catastrophe of my life. I'm not sure if I should pack up my things and leave. I'm feeling desperate and terribly...horribly alone and abandoned. I still need that hug. The "I love you." From somebody, anybody, at this point. But I'm too ashamed to call my friends or family. I also feel numb, I'm not letting myself feel the depth of all the emotions quite yet...I'm still in survival mode to figure out my next move and then I'll let all the sad and hurt and fear in.
But you better believe I'll be eating my tunafish sandwich on wheat bread with an apple and some cheese slices for lunch. 340 calories, as planned.
Please help :(
02-19-2011, 01:48 PM
Oh dear. Not sure if anything I say will be helpful but I'll try. I've been with the same man for 37 years. I was thin for the first 20 and then got heavy. I am trying to get back to a normal weight. The one thing I know for sure is that most men do not want to hear about diets. I think we expect them to be like a best girlfriend and listen to every detail. They are not interested for the most part. Now that he's back from Iraq I'm sure he just wants a "carefree" life, and there you are, "causing problems". I of course get what you are doing, of course you want to be healthy and eat right. I have noticed that my husband doesn't pay the slightest bit of attention to what I'm eating while he is eating. Can you just continue to make the dinners for him but do whatever it takes to keep yourself on track? He might be having some PTSD as well. Try and be patient and see how things play out, I wouldn't just give up on him over something like this. Best of luck, I hope everything works out for the best for you.
02-19-2011, 01:49 PM
wow, im so sorry you're going through that. i don't know what to say except keep strong and focused. your husband should be supporting you, unfortunatly he isn't. i just recently went through a bad break up, some one told me i 'need to be responsible for my own emotional wellbeing'. im not saying your husband and you should seperate, you only just had this argument and hopefully it was just a kneejerk reaction to your revelation on his part and he will come around. just keep your plan in mind, you cant force him to be supportive, but you can support yourself. and you've always got us here :)
02-19-2011, 01:51 PM
OMG!! I wish I had some word of wisdom, or some laughter for you. I wish I had SOMETHING I could give. I don't really have any advice even, I just wanted to say "someone cares".....
I don't know what I can say to make things better, or even make them seem better. I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone, and that people here care, and want to help.
02-19-2011, 01:54 PM
Oh, Megan. My heart is breaking for you. I wish so much I could reach through this computer and give you a great big hug. You do not deserve the over-the-top reaction you got from him. :no: I really think he is way out of line. He really ought to know that binging and anorexic behavior is certainly NOT within your control. Does he really think any woman would do it if she had control over it?
This just makes my heart sick. I'm a little speechless right now, but will be revisiting. :hug:
02-19-2011, 01:56 PM
Here's a :hug:
This sounds like a situation where you 2 need to be better able to communicate clearly to each other once everything calms down. Sometimes just taking a step back and having a chance to think and breathe is useful to both of you. So hopefully you can do that first.
Then, I would advise you to seek professional counseling for the 2 of you next! And perhaps as part of that to have both of you talk to someone who can explain some of the eating issues to him.
02-19-2011, 02:00 PM
MKendrick Find a counselor or therapist and start right now with someone who can help you get to a good place. Dieting is the least of your "problems". I have been in the same place that you have and it is a long road back to "sanity" but you can find it. You are very young and believe me life can be so much better than what you think.
Until then, keep reaching out to friends, ideally, someone who can be there with you physically. Do not turn down help. If you reach out, that is the healthiest thing you can do right now.
God bless, and you are in my prayers.:hug:
02-19-2011, 02:07 PM
Perhaps you need to get some conseling for eating disorders and get your head around the problem and find the solution. It sounds like this is something you can't fix on your own.
02-19-2011, 02:09 PM
I want to first give you a virtual hug. Like everyone else, I wish I could say something to make this all better. First off, know that the only thing you can change is something that you have the power to change. You are not going to be able to control your husband or his choices. So the first step you are choosing to make - controlling what you eat is a huge one. It sounds like food is almost symbolic for you - when you get out of control there, you get out of control in the rest of your life. So taking back the power to start eating right, that's so important. A few days into this and your body will stabilize from what you just put it through and once you are feeling better you should be able to make some good decisions.
I am not making excuses for your husband. He just spent a year at war. He also just spent a year in what is primarily a "good ole boys" mentality. Of course he is looking for the instant gratification of just hanging out with a "buddy" drinking and eating pizza. But he is a grown man and is now a husband and the time for acting like an 18 year old frat boy is over.
Let everything cool down. It sounds like the 2 of you need some couples counseling. If he chooses not to go, that's something that is beyond your control. And if he chooses to end the marriage, again, all you can do is what YOU can do.
You have some eating issues. That does not mean that you are defective in any way. You deserve someone who can and will do their best to understand these issues and work with you and for you. Not someone that punishes you. If this is not him, then there is someone out there who will.
I hope everything works out for you!
02-19-2011, 02:09 PM
It sounds like a really bizarre reaction to me, and would have to wonder if it is more about problems he is having? Maybe the way you are confronting and being so honest about things you struggled with is making him shy away from doing the same.
I really hope you can work things out, perhaps even talking to your doctor or a counselor about the issues you have experienced with food with him there may allow him to see it differently.
02-19-2011, 02:16 PM
I'm so sorry. I don't really have any advice to give, but I wanted to give you a :hug:
I know exactly what you felt, when you lost control and then just needed that feeling of taking things back into your own hands by eating so little. That has happened to me, even though like you my plan has always been about definitely NOT starving myself. But one day of eating so little leads to feeling like you have to eat less again, and again. It turns into a cycle of hunger, loss of control, and panic. People who do not have this type of problem with food can't understand the utter terror it creates while you're in the middle of it and how difficult it is to get into a different mindset.
I can't begin to imagine how incredibly devastating it was to have your husband, the person who is supposed to be your loving support for better or for worse no matter what, say those things to you. All I can think is he must be scared and overwhelmed by something that is so foreign to him. Could you try to talk to him again once he has settled down, and suggest marriage counseling? Getting a professional and neutral third party to help you guys work through this and open up the lines of communication might be what is needed for him.
I hope things get better. :hug:
02-19-2011, 02:16 PM
It sounds like you are goingt hrough a time of change and turmoil. I think you need to go to your doctor and share a bit of how you are feeling. When I was going through a very hard time a little pill called Xanex saved me! Not to be a drug pusher- but really we all need a little help every now and then.
Now- I am supposing your husband was disappointed in your ACTIONS and not in your BODY. I hope you understand that. Men are usually a lot more low key and don't like all the drama that us women like to give... sounds like he doesn't want to have to deal with a problem like anorexia/bulimia. Let things cool down and circle back.
You can make it work with your eating... my husband does not like to sacrifice his meals. I end up cooking 1 meal for him, 1 meal for me and 1 meal for our children every night. You can eat healthy while those around you don't.
02-19-2011, 02:21 PM
First of all, well done for making some great changes in your life initially. It sounds like you really had some control and were enjoying this new you.
I am sorry to hear about where you are now. It must be very hard for you not knowing where you stand with your husband and I hope this part of your story sorts itself soon, as like the others said it sounds like you two need to spend some time talking.
Reading your story I am not surprised at the recent events and how you have coped. For us here, eating is a struggle, and sometimes that’s hard for others to understand. Control over it is so difficult at times. I would imagine he is worried for you and uncertain about who this new you really is. But much more importantly is how you are feeling.
You have described a huge upheaval in recent times for both you and your husband – marrying, moving etc. You have had the controlled side of your life upturned and heaved all over the show with all the recent changes and of course the one thing you can still control is your eating.
Do you think you could explain to him how all of this has made you feel? Do you have anyone you trust who you could say the words to out loud. Sometimes it really helps you to think things through this way. This could be the start of something really positive if you can both address how you feel and where you want to go with this.
If you gain more control over the situation its even possible you may start to relax about the control on food and this will help your husaband to see both how important the changes are to you and hopefully to then understand why it meant so much to you.
I truly hope things start to sort themselves for you soon.
02-19-2011, 02:22 PM
You poor thing!:hug: You so did not deserve that kind of blown out of proportion reaction. What he said was not a " normal " reaction. It sounds to me that maybe HE has some issues HE needs to work out. That being said, you can't work his problems out for him. You need to take loving care of you right now. As important as it may seem to get on track with your eating, it is more important that you work on your head.
Please, please, please don't let this make you hurt yourself by restricting. You've been deprived of enough growing up. Don't deprive yourself of the food or love you need. You should be so proud of the way you've overcome what life has thrown at you. You're a strong young lady and I know you will overcome this adversity, too.
02-19-2011, 02:25 PM
Look, is he still military? Go see a counselor. The guy may have processing to do from his war experiences. And you have processing from your... food behaviour/alcoholic mom background. And you both have new move/new marriage/new to each other stresses too.
I know you have a lot of stressors on your plate but c'mon. This is marriage. You do not throw in the towel in this early on over the first bump in the road. Or if you do, maybe it's just that this person wasn't the right one after all or things moved too fast to the marriage.
Did you guys get any kind of marriage prep talk? Not just with each other -- but like the county extension office, your place of worship, the military, whatever? If no, go get it so you get the real picture of what marriage is like and start anew with your relationship better prepared.
And go check out the www.something-fishy.org stuff.
02-19-2011, 02:39 PM
Awwww Megan. I'm so sorry. You deserve so much better than the way he's treating you. I went through a similar thing with my ex (not to do with eating but to do with a nightmare I had, where he did something bad. I wasn't mad at him, but was upset in general at a vivid dream. I wanted a hug. All he kept saying was "I can't believe you think I'd do that", which I never said). Everyone is irrational from time to time, but his reaction is beyond irrational. By all these responses I hope you realize you have a huge support system here. You are a wonderful woman, but you're not perfect, your man needs to realize this, and he's not either.
02-19-2011, 02:43 PM
mkendrick, I am so sorry this is all happening to you. So first, let me give you a :hug: .
Second, it's understandable that you're feeling so hurt, confused and abandoned. And I'm sorry to say this, but I think you HAVE been abandoned.
Your husband's reaction is all out of proportion to what you asked of him. I almost get the sense that he is grasping for a reason to leave the relationship. I certainly allow that I may be wrong, and like others here, I think the best thing you can do is to get a professional third party involved in your situation.
Third, given the circumstances, you're not the only one in the relationship who is under terrific stress. I'm sure that through all the changes you've described, your husband is as stressed as you are -- even more so, if he's been having private, second thoughts about getting married so soon after coming home from Iraq -- which, again, I'm sorry, he may well be. As Cherrypie99 points out, he is suddenly facing down the fact that he is supposed to be a grown man, a husband, and the time for acting 18 is over. He may not be as ready for that as he originally thought. How could he tell you that?
Most men can hardly articulate how they feel about their dog. Conversation about intimate feelings is difficult for them. In my experience, they often fixate on some rather inane, irrelevant issue as cover to instigate an action about which they've been thinking for some time -- like walking out over what he has chosen to characterize as your "eating disorders."
His power struggles over trying to get you to eat what he eats is a big red flag to me. Definitely something to explore with a counselor.
You're actually really good at taking charge of things you want to change in your life and you should be proud of yourself for that! Don't underestimate your personal strength, character or ability to cope with adversity. It will serve you well as you navigate through this difficult time. And yes, accepting help from wherever it is offered is a smart thing for you to do.
I wish you all the very best, and if it helps to talk, we're all here for you.
One for the road: :hug:
02-19-2011, 02:47 PM
You guys, thank you. I know it sounds melodramatic, but 3FC is all I've had for the last few hours since all this happened. I've toyed around with the idea of calling some hotline or something...I know the military has support for spouses, I'm just not sure how it all works. But I've read each and every one of your replies and cherished all the "virtual hugs."
And, if it makes any difference, I did indeed just eat a healthy lunch of a tuna sammich, an apple, some cheese, and I threw some leftover green beans on there for good measure. I'm not quite willing to say that I'm "anorexic." I have disordered eating, yes. Over the last month and a half, or so, I have fallen into the binge/restrict pattern. And only this week was the real restricting. But I am truly not afraid of eating. I enjoyed my lunch (as much as something can be enjoyed, considering the circumstances). I'm not excusing myself or denying that I have a problem, but I'm not so far gone that I need to be shipped into rehab for anorexia or anything. I need a loving positive environment. I planned this healthy little lunch I just ate last night, and I was hoping my husband would celebrate this little victory with me. I wanted to show him "see, I can eat...last week was just dumb and I don't want it to keep happening." My point is, I'm not anorexic. I have eating issues. Today was my day to get back on the wagon and start eating healthy again. I have a yummy dinner of shredded chicken tacos and a big southwest salad planned. And good healthy snacks. I was looking forward to eating it and kicking off my return to healthy eating. This, what is happening right now, is not exactly what I had in mind.
I am so perfectly willing to make two different meals. I'd be thrilled to. But he doesn't like that, he wants us to eat the same thing. And yes, we absolutely obviously need to talk (I'm not saying that in a snarky way, I'm just strongly agreeing with everyone that said we needed to communicate). But at this point, I'm a little bit gun shy about talking. I opened up to him a few weeks ago about my bingeing. I haven't told my best friend (who is also my weight loss buddy) about my bingeing. I hadn't told ANYbody. The fact that I trusted him enough to tell him my most shameful secret was a big deal for me. And I want to talk to him now. I want him to understand that this isn't something I can just turn off...I won't be fixed overnight. I told him over and over that what I need right now is a hug and an I love you. I'm not sure why those two very specific simple acts are so hugely important to me right now, but I long for them. But I never got my hug and an I love you. I was told I wasn't loved, that I wasn't attractive. I tried to touch his knee when I was pleading with him and he told me not to touch him. I want to communicate with him, to hear his side and to try to help him understand mine, but he called me a liar. That I hid this from him all along. The old bait n' switch. So yes, we do need to communicate. But I'm afraid to. Even if he does come back, right now, I'd be too afraid to tell him my feelings on the subject in case he stormed out and left again. When I talk about it, it gets worse.
Right now I'm just holding my breath trying to figure out what's going to happen next. I have no idea if my husband will be here tonight. If I'll be here tonight. If we'll still be married a few weeks down the road. Before I fix my eating, before I commit to doing absolutely anything to save my marriage, I just want to know what will happen next. If I'll have a marriage to save. My eating is kind of on the back burner, at the moment, and honestly...I can put put myself into "eat healthfully on-plan" mode and just go on cruise control. It's almost like since eating is no longer my focal point, I'm not obsessing if I'm bingeing or restricting, staying on plan is easier. I'm obsessing about my marriage right now.
02-19-2011, 02:59 PM
Just wanted to give you a hug here too. I've read quite a few of your posts, and you are an amazing person from where I'm sitting, with all you've done and all you've overcome. I grew up with an alcoholic father, and it is not easy.
I think maybe your husband panicked, because, as you say, the not eating and so forth *was* pretty dysfunctional. But something edged you toward where you are now and put you over the edge. And you've given plenty of examples of what those things could be. I really don't think it's *who* you are as a person, but it's where you are right now, and unfortunately, your husband can't see that big picture. There is a lot of pressure on and fear in a new marriage. People can be easily scared by things and think, "Oh gosh, I did the wrong thing. What if this person is....(fill in the *worst fear* blank)."
I agree with the others that your husband overreacted. It's basic logic that if you take in too many calories for your size over a period of time, you will gain weight. So no, you can't eat like that all the time again. Basic, BASIC logic. Men are supposed to be the logical ones. ;) There's something going on with him too that's pushing his buttons. He definitely overreacted.
I don't know whether it can be worked out, but I wanted to say I agree with your interpretation of things. I also think you know you went into problem (eating/not eating territory), and you're a smart person. You'll find the help you need with it.
02-19-2011, 03:23 PM
MKendrick...My husband and I have been together almost 20 yrs. I was RAIL thin when we met and began packing it on after each pregnancy. I was also diagnosed with thyroid disease after the last child, which ultimately led to a near 40lb weight gain right after he was born.
I was told just yesterday evening that he liked me better big because I was happier when I got to eat "whatever I wanted". While he has never come out and said verbatim that I act like an anorexic, I got that vibe. It is the general obsessive vibe that he gets from me that would cause him to think such a thing. He hears me b!#ch, moan and complain about how the scale is not moving, how I wish I could eat what everyone else is eating, how I have to spend 10 minutes measuring and weighing everything on my plate, how I have to ask for nutritional menu's and so on and so on.
I started to realize, had I never made it a big deal myself to begin with, he would have NO clue how I felt about any of this. Some of the posters are right, we somehow believe they are supposed to become good listeners like a good buddy, but men do not care about details. They are more concerned with end results, bottom lines and such. My husband is very straight and to the point, if I am not happy, stop or make the changes but don't keep doing the same things over and expecting different results.
Although I have no answers to give you re: what you should do about your marriage as a whole, I do suggest keeping your strategy, thoughts and feelings about weightloss to yourself unless you are on this board or discussing with someone else with similar problems/goals.
Think about it this way; what if he were attempting to become a bodybuilder? Sure, you would be there for encouragement but getting caught up in the details of his routine, eating habits and such, and also if he were constantly complaining about it would make you wonder that maybe some sort of unhealthy obsession is going on and you might even openly question him on that.
Good luck and you know we are always here :hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:
02-19-2011, 03:37 PM
I read every single word. I'm soooo sorry you had to go through that! :hug::hug::hug:
Sounds like hubby may actually prefer a chunkier you. You were much thicker when he met you and so he "may" feel angry that you "took" something away that he enjoyed. Believe it or not...many men prefer "thicker" woman. We always seem to like ourselves thinner than the average man would prefer.
This does NOT excuse his rude and hurtful behavior. But sometimes people (men, especially) do not know how to express dissappointment about their woman's appearance...so they do things like pick a fight, or look for an opportunity and explode (totally off topic) about what's been bothering them all along, instead of just quietly and sensibly discussing their feelings with their spouse. **Notice how your not eating enough/possible eating disorder turned into his "not being attracted to you anymore"? That one was straight out of left field...which is a good indicator above my above statement.;)
For the records...my ex-husband was totally "turned off" to me after I went from a size 12 to a size 6. He said, "if I wanted a man, I'd be gay"! Imagine my hurt and surprise...especially since I too was very young (in my 20's or early 30's)!:o This is how I learned this little "painful" lesson!;)
As a wife, you are sharing not only your "life" with your husband, but your "body" as well. As such, he does have certain rights. I'm sure you'll hear alot of, "do what makes YOU happy" and "its all about YOU", but that's not what marriage is about. The "two shall become as one" quote from the Originator of the marital bond says differently.
My advice...let things cool down a little while. Try to talk openly about your husband's feelings. He may simply have a hard time expressing such feelings on a "touchy" subject and therefore EXPLODING in ANGER makes it easier. Try to make him feel comfortable and let him know that you are willing to make adjustments, if necessary. Encourage OPEN communication. Foregiveness IS what we get, and therefore we must give it....so try and pray for help to forgive your husband.:hug:
02-19-2011, 03:57 PM
i don't know what to say other than to wish you good luck. i've followed your posts for quite some time now -- you've always been a huge inspiration to me. i'm so sorry you're going through this, but as you've said, there's so much uncertainty surrounding you right now that there's really not much you can do except to wait.
your husband overreacted -- perhaps after he has had some time to cool off, he'll realize that? it seems like he thinks that your confession is more serious than what it really is, because honestly, you've been for the most part very in control of your eating habits. you slipped up for 3 weeks and then restricted, but you recognized your problem and you're fixing it. how is this a lie or an unattractive quality to have? you're being healthy -- that's all that matters.
and i kind of second what someone else here said -- it's nice to have support from others, especially from those who are close to you, but i think in this case it might be better not to talk to him about your health plan since he seems to react so negatively to it.
anyway, for real -- i wish you luck.
02-19-2011, 03:58 PM
Sweetie, I was so sorry to read your post and wanted to send you a hug :hug: I remember posting on the same threads as you in featherweights when you were losing, and I was always so impressed with your drive and determination.
I don't have much advice for you right now other than to definitely seek some counselling, no matter what happens with your marriage. You have gone through SO much in the last year - I think there are like 10 major life stressors and you probably experienced half of them. I'll be checking for your posts and we're all here for you no matter what happens. Be kind to yourself.
02-19-2011, 04:07 PM
OMG hun I am so sorry to hear that you have to deal with that from your hubby. He should def be more understanding! I want to say to @PaulaM, she said men are generally not interested, that is not true at all!! My boyfriend, whom I've lived with for 2 years now, is probably the most supportive person I have in my life next to my mom. He always listens to me and is there for me 24/7 with my weight issues, even tho he doesn't understand bc hes been thin his whole life, he still is always there for me and helps me and supports me. I also have 2 brothers that are always there for me and help me too! So I DO NOT want you to think that all men are like how your husband is being, bc this is not true!
I know how you feel, feeling abandoned and alone bc I moved away with my bf too and never had anyone around on days when I was feeling down and just wanted to have a girlfriend around. But you seem like an incredibly smart and very strong woman. Please dont get down on yourself bc your husband is being mean and insensitive. Some people just cant and will not understand how hard battling weight can be and they are very unsympathetic. Also, the one thing that worries me a bit about your situation is, if your husband is being this insensitive and mean about this one thing, especially since its only been 2 months you said, whats to stop him from being insensitive, less understanding and mean in the future about something else he may think is not a big deal? Like what if when you get your period and you cant get out of bed bc you have extremely bad cramps, what is he gonna say to you then? If I would've known you were so weak and can't handle pain I would've never married you and your unattractive to me?? You see where I'm getting at. I just hope that this doesn't happen bc mental abuse can be harder to deal with then physical abuse, I know all too well.
Another thing to is why does he make you cook the foods that he knows are tempting to you?? On top of that, he wants you to eat them with him? When I read that I thought that was very insensitive and somewhat controlling. I understand you wanting to cook for your man bc I love to too, but YOU are the most important thing right now and getting your health back on track. Im on a diet now & I usually cook for my man but I told him I cant until I reach my goal weight bc its to tempting and he said NO PROBLEM WHATEVER HELPS YOU REACH YOUR GOAL & hes also not allowed to bring chips, pizza, or bagels into the house (my weak foods) & he hasn't and doesn't even complain about it. My point is, that if he loves you he would NOT make you cook the foods that tempted you let alone make you or atleast make you feel guilty into eating it with him!
Im sorry for being so blunt, I just sympathize and understand where your coming from. I was with a man for 5 yrs, from when I was 15-20 and their were so many things that were wrong even from the beginning but I never wanted to listen to anyone bc i thought the good outweighed the bad, but I was wrong. & i took alot of verbal and mental abuse from him that I shouldn't have put up with & still struggle with low self esteem and doubt to this day bc of alot of the things he has said. And now being with someone that actually respects me and loves me just makes me realize even more how terrible and bad the last relationship was. So my point is, if your not happy hun then leave, or if you feel like you can work it out with him then give it a shot, but there has to be an understanding and he must be there for you! All Im saying is that to me, that doesn't seem like a very good sign and if certain things are bad in the beginning, they tend to only get worse.
I hope everything works out great for you bc you deserve to be sooo happy and to have a man that will love you and understand you and treat you like the princess you are!!! :hug:
02-19-2011, 04:20 PM
Megan, what will you do if he comes back and wants you to show "good faith" by doing something stupidly male, like eat a burger and fries or pizza the way you've said you used to? I remember when he first came home he missed his eating buddy and really got on you about it. It took a lot of strength for you to help him understand. I hope you have strength left.
Bottom line here, as awful as you feel and as guilty, this is not your fault. He is wrong on this one. And you haven't hidden a thing from him. He's just blind. As I recall, you did have this discussion with him. Perhaps he just hadn't seen the behaviors yet.
You've just got so much going on. Hang in there. You have a lot of support here, but please don't be afraid to reach out to your loved ones. They are going to wrap you up in their support. This is so not your fault and you have nothing to be ashamed of. If you hear nothing else, I hope you hear that.
02-19-2011, 05:16 PM
Oh gosh, I'm so sorry! Megan, you didn't deserve that reaction from him. It's totally irrational. I tend to agree with Joyfulloser's post regarding all of this.
Please come back here for support and love. **HUGS** I really hope your husband comes home soon. You guys need to talk about this.
02-19-2011, 05:39 PM
Oh Megan...I don't know what to say. I feel like I've watched you go through all of this from afar since we started 3FC a few months apart and although our journeys have been very different I've always felt a real affinity towards you and your journey.
Now I'm feeling very big sisterly and protective and I have to say that watching your relationship play out through your posts, that I've felt like things progressed very fast for the two of you and since he was away in Iraq, there wasn't a lot of getting to know you time. I'm just curious if you really know what kind of guy he really is. That kind of reaction to your eating issues is not good. And I'll be honest, my DH eats HORRIBLY, I mean just horrific. And I often make two meals, but he's never ever pressured me to eat what he eats or make me feel bad about it. He'll also, whenever he can, try to eat what I eat. It's a give and take, a compromise, that's what marriage is about. On top of that, my severe binging issue, of which he's knows something about but not the true extent of it because most of it happens in secret, he's always always tried to be understanding and supportive when I've said no, I can't eat that. I really truely believe that if you're husband can't be understanding AND supportive to your needs to be healthy and what it takes for you to be on plan, then you may be better off without him.
On the note of your eating issues, of which I can COMPLETELY relate on all levels, I think as with myself right now, you just need to hang in there. You are so young and you have SO much going for you, this too will pass.
I really don't know what else to say without just going on and on and on and on, but I want you to know that you have support here of people who understand what it's like to live with such a difficult issues/disorder, whatever you want to call it. Please please please PM me if you want additional support, or if you want I would love to give you my email or phone number if that's what it takes. You do not have to go through this alone...
02-19-2011, 05:52 PM
Oh, you are such a strong woman that it seems totally unfair that you have to have your strength tested yet again. I'm so sorry he's reacted in this way. :hug:
I'm not AT ALL going to excuse his cruel treatment of you (and yes, denying someone a hug when she has asked for nothing more is cruel), but I suspect he's reacted this way out of pure fear. Anger and coldness are a mask for that fear.
My husband used to have a drinking problem. I used to get furious at him for it, and while the anger was real at the time, the underlying and overwhelming emotion I felt was terror: "my life is tied to this person's life now. Will I have to watch him hurt himself? Will I have to watch his health suffer? Will I have to bury him?" And of course I went through the "If he loved me more, he'd see how it tortures me and would quit doing what he's doing," so I also had the fear of no longer being loved going on.
He may be less well-equipped to deal with things than you are. You've had so much to cope with that you've become immensely strong; he might have to fumble around a bit to find his strength, and in the meantime he retreats and turns cold. Time may help heal things as he remembers the whole you, not just his fear-distorted ideas about your eating. The question may become how much you can forgive him, not how he responds to you; you are the wronged party here, not him.
Eliana's right. Please remember that you are NOT wrong here, not in feeling overwhelmed with changes in your life nor in believing you could trust your husband with your feelings. I hope he recovers from the shock (which shouldn't have been a shock, considering how open you seem to have been with him well before you and he got married) quickly and apologizes abjectly to you for abandoning you when you needed him.
I wish you nothing but the best and I'm so sorry you're going through this. :hug:
02-19-2011, 06:09 PM
I agree with many others, get some counseling.
On another note, some of the things he said sound awfully familiar. My Mom, and my DH, have said things like that. And mainly, it's like they are hinging their happiness and how they feel about themselves on how I/you behave.
Hang in there, it will all work itself out for the best.
02-19-2011, 06:13 PM
I wish I had some comforting words for you dear! Unfortunately probably the best I can do is give you a :hug:! I'm so sorry you're going thru this! I'm really wondering if he has some "unresolved" issues from his deployment because that seems like a very odd reaction (and very extreme might I add) for him to have. I would have expected support, not this. My husband is ex-military and I know the military puts A LOT of stress on them and I think sometimes they kind of "blow up" or overreact about things. My husband and I would "get into it" over different things from time to time and he would leave for a few hours and end up returning. Sometimes I think they get so stressed over military stuff (that I didn't even know was an issue!) they need to leave and think things over. I would be VERY shocked if he didn't feel bad about how he treated you. Again, I'm so sorry! To a certain extent and I can kind of understand what you're going thru, and I know it's awful. Keep you chin up my dear! Another :hug: for you!
02-19-2011, 06:26 PM
It upsets me to see that he runs away from a problem. That, IMO, is not a good sign and possibly a character flaw (some men run - some don't). A good man will not run from you at the sign of a problem - running = abandonment. Sorry, that's how I feel.
He vowed to stay with you in sickness and in health. And he is abandoning you when you are sick. I strongly suggest a website called http://www.marriagebuilders.com which also has a section just for military spouses. It's a website dedicated to keeping your marriage together.
You are both young and possibly still trying to figure out who you are yourselves, alone alone each other. But all is not lost. You CAN work towards saving this marriage.
02-19-2011, 06:26 PM
Everyone has given you great advice so I will just give you some hugs. :hug::hug:
02-19-2011, 06:37 PM
PrettyinPink, you are right, I should not have implied that ALL men are like this, because again, you are right they are not. But A LOT of them are. My dad, my brother, my husband....all 3 could care not to get caught up in the details of mine, my mom's or my sister in law's weight loss adventures. Megan may or may not be able to change this about her husband and this is something that has to be dealt with (or not rather).
A lot of other women on this site can attest to it...while we have husbands/boyfriends who do want to see us happy and will give encouragement, they don't want it to affect THEM or to hear about it 24/7 which is just one reason this site is so very important and sacred to many of us.
I can't tell you why Megan's husband reacted the way he did, only he knows that. We all agree it was definitely out of line and in my opinion what he said to follow it up was downright MEAN but we don't know what his demons are either and maybe Megan doesn't even know yet. I just know that my husband specifically doesn't want to hear me complain about it and would rather me eat what I want than be "unhappy"...which I will say "unhappy" about this journey is a little far-reaching, I was just venting and I think some men don't notice a difference between venting and needing support rather than b!#ching and basically asking for "permission" to throw in the proverbial towel. KWIM??
02-19-2011, 06:48 PM
I am so sorry. I remember seeing your beautiful wedding pictures.Please get counseling, this strange behaviour of his may be due to his deployment. Do you live on base ? See if you can talk to a chaplain he will know who and how to get counseling. It is couples counseling you need to deal with his strange reaction and to help you through this. Good luck. Let us know what happens.
02-19-2011, 06:51 PM
[QUOTE=prettyinpink116;3720196][COLOR="Navy"][SIZE="3"][FONT="Palatino Linotype"]OMG hun I am so sorry to hear that you have to deal with that from your hubby. He should def be more understanding! I want to say to @PaulaM, she said men are generally not interested, that is not true at all!! My boyfriend, whom I've lived with for 2 years now, is probably the most supportive person I have in my life next to my mom. He always listens to me and is there for me 24/7 with my weight issues, even tho he doesn't understand bc hes been thin his whole life, he still is always there for me and helps me and supports me. I also have 2 brothers that are always there for me and help me too! So I DO NOT want you to think that all men are like how your husband is being, bc this is not true!
Uh, I didn't say all men are that way, but many many of them are. You can't compare how a boyfriend of two years acts to a husband of almost 40, trust me they are totally different animals. Maybe you got one who is always going to hang on your every word, if so good for you. I still say if you took a room full of men and quizzed them on this the majority want a quiet life, not to hear that you ate 1/2 an apple and a celery stick for lunch.
02-19-2011, 07:05 PM
Hi there, from another Megan :) Please forgive the length--I had a lot to say because I've read your posts before and I think we have a lot in common.
I hope I can remember to address everything you talked about in your post. And as for me, if you don't mind, I'll give you a little history of myself and my eating disordered past and hopefully that will help tie everything together.
I spent my childhood years in a very loving, but overly pressured family. I was an over scheduled kid, who was expected to thrive and succeed. I do realize my parents were just trying to do what was best for me, and because they're both A type personalities, that meant achieving and being constantly on the go. As a child I sought comfort in food because my schedule and life felt out of control. I was never a heavy kid. I have good genes, and I was highly involved in lots of sports and after school activities. That being said, it wasn't abnormal for me, on the weekends especially, to eat an entire bag of Oreos and a half gallon of milk in the span of a few hours while I "relaxed". Fast forward to my high school years..
I first noticed my body changing when I was a sophomore in high school, I was a really late bloomer, and was convinced that I was "getting fat" and in my house, I knew inherently that was "unacceptable". I am sure that I chose anorexia due to a lot of things...my personality type, the fact that eating or not eating was not a forbidden or illegal substance (this was big in my household because I grew up Mormon, so drugs or alcohol never entered my mind to "use"), and probably the culture I grew up in pushed me towards trying to control my weight.
Long story short, I spent all my high school years anorexic. I didn't experience binging until after I was dragged to the university hospital, and admitted to the eating disorder unit for a short stay to get my weight stable did I really dabble in binging and purging. I never threw up, but used other forms of bulimia, like exercising and laxative abuse. During those years of the real hardcore bulimia, I didn't really want to get "better", I just wanted to get thin. I went through some crappy relationships, my parents divorce, and gained a little more experience in the world and for some reason, some act of God--I met my husband to be. While we dated I was fairly stable. I laid off the binge behaviors, and got A LOT of therapy. He is much more functional than I am in a lot of ways. He's my opposite. Laid back, easy going, and completely not food focused.
Right before he and I got married, we moved from the west coast, to the east coast. Huge adjustment. I found myself having to find a new job (in a crappy economy), make new friends, and find my way around. This new lifestyle left me much more isolated. I had no friends here, and during the day I was home alone. I started binging again. I gained 10-ish pounds and went back into that sick mentality of binge, starve, binge, starve. I had no outlets. No therapists. No friends. When I finally told my husband, he was shocked. He knew I was a picky eater, but he was unaware of how deep and far back my issues went. It was heartbreaking, but I still couldn't stop. And it was definitely getting to a breaking point. He never expressed in the way that your husband did, that he "couldn't love me, or wouldn't have married me had he have known..." but that's not to say he didn't have those feelings. I don't know how he couldn't have when things were at their worst.
We decided to get couples counseling. It's been a long, bumpy road..there were times that I thought for absolute certain that we wouldn't make it. All due to the fact that I couldn't control myself around food. It was the hardest time of my life because I had all the tools. I'd done the emotional/mental work in therapy, and I understand the basic physics of calories in and calories out and nutrition. It's still something I struggle with every day.
I think, what I'm trying to get to is--I hope when he comes back you two can have a conversation on if it's really not "over" what are reasonable expectations for both of you? Something that sensitive may have to be negotiated or mediated in therapy. I just think a third party can be crucial to making breakthroughs about what is fair. I think you and I both know that if we wanted to stop, or wanted things to not be in shambles, we would if we could. I think he has been a little harsh--for example, wanting to "eat together". What if you were vegan and didn't eat meat? Would he still be upset if you didn't eat the same thing? Does he trivialize how important it is for you to stay on plan simply because he doesn't think that just being on plan is a big enough reason for you to have to eat something else? That's just one example.
Maybe what it all boils down to is--its not about whether or not he would have married you if he had known, but the fact that you are married, and you DO love each other. I think that's really the only basis you can work from. You seem to portray that your marriage is good, outside of this issue--and I think there's a lot to be said about that. This is a blip on the screen. A time of huge change and with change comes discomfort. My therapist always used to say--"under stress, we regress", and I think that can be true. I hope your husband doesn't allow this blip that could be worked through, to end your marriage. You seem like a great partner and friend--he is lucky to have you. Don't let your food issues downplay that!
02-19-2011, 07:26 PM
I love all of you guys, I really do. I know everyone makes such a clear separation between "online" and "real life," but all you "online" friends have very much affected my "real life," so I am throwing away that that silly separation. My 3FC friends are my real life friends, only our means of communication are different. Sorry for that cheesy little blurb, I just want to make it known how much I appreciate your words.
My husband came home. We both kind of stared at each other for a moment while he stood in the doorway. He started with "well, I've been thinking..." His grand solution is that he's willing to pay for me to see a therapist. I told him I felt that would be very helpful, and I hoped that he would go with me to a few sessions. He said he might after I've been to a few. I suppose I'm pleased that he's wanting me to get better and that he's not kicking me out or something, but it was just too little too late. Or something. After the hurtful words from this morning, I needed at least an apology. I still have not gotten my hug.
We talked for a little while about it, and I read some things to him that I found online. I found an article of different things NOT to say to somebody with an eating disorder and why it's hurtful and unproductive. He had said nearly all of them. He still doesn't get it. And that frustrates me and makes me feel somewhat hopeless about the whole thing. I can completely get the fact that he doesn't understand the eating disorder mentality. It's just that, it's disordered thinking, it doesn't make sense. I don't expect him to follow my muddied logic about why I have been starving myself this week. But I want some inkling that he feels compassion. He may not understand, but surely he can see that his wife is upset, frightened, sad, etc. And for some reason, that inspires only anger in him.
In his defense (weak, though it may be), he has made efforts. He got rid of ALL junky snacks in the house, and that was a BIG help in my binges. His mentality is actions speak louder than words. And while I hugely appreciate his supportive actions, I need the supportive words (and I need an effing hug...for crying out loud!) possibly even more. Or at least, he can't do supportive actions while saying very unsupportive words.
Really, and this sounds ridiculous all things considered, my eating seems like no big deal right now. Eating on plan, as in a healthy balanced diet, seems like easy peas. I KNOW how to eat healthy, and I know that I prefer to eat healthy. So like I said, I'm just going to set the on-plan-eating into cruise control. That makes me think that my eating is not the problem, it's only a symptom. A manifestation of the problem. The problem is between my husband and me. I can't control that situation. I can't make it all better. All I can control is what goes in my mouth. So I guess I've been desperately gripping at that little tiny bit of control and it has resulted in restricting. But now that it's all out on the table with the husband and I, my eating isn't the focus of my obsessive need to control so it goes back to being not that big of a deal.
So, as of tonight, we're "good" or at least maintaining some illusion of it. He's playing video games, and I'm sitting on the couch next to him. I'm about to cook him and I separate dinners. A sweet potato, chicken breast, and a mix of steamed squashes for me and some nasty casserole concoction of ground beef, cheese, tator tots, and vegetable soup that he adores so much. Frankly, he can pound sand and then help himself to some chicken and veggies if he wants us to eat the same thing.
02-19-2011, 07:59 PM
I'm glad that he came back and that you guys have at least been able to talk some.
He may not understand, but surely he can see that his wife is upset, frightened, sad, etc. And for some reason, that inspires only anger in him.
I can sort of relate to this. When we first married (we've been married almost a year and a half, so in the first few months of marriage), my husband took it SUPER personally whenever I wasn't happy with something and it manifested itself in either self-destructive behaviours (bingeing, or, say, cutting), or if I came out and said I was frustrated by something. It made it so hard for me to want to open up to him about my struggles back then.
We had some long talks, and it turns out that he just adores me and hates feeling like I'm not happy for some reason... he takes it really personally. Men get part of their identity from feeling like they're taking good care of their wife (and kids, if there are any)... and when they're not happy, a man feels like, well, less of a man... like he's not living up to his job. And it's easy for them to kind of throw the frustration back on us, because they're usually not used to doing a whole lot of opening up and expressing their feelings.
Sometimes they need time to go off and process, and then come back and sit down and discuss things. I don't know your husband, but they fact that he 1. Came back, and 2. Had been 'doing some thinking'... he loves you. And "I've been thinking" can be guy-speak for "I'm really sorry I overreacted." ;)
Guys aren't girlfriends... they operate differently. And, yeah, sometimes they totally screw things up, especially early on in the marriage when both sides are still getting used to each other and figure out this whole matrimony deal. But it's great that he thinks therapy would be a good idea for you. If he's an "action speaks" kind of guy, it sounds like he's trying to say that he supports you, even though he doesn't understand.
Hang in there... have a good night. Marriage can be so incredibly frustrating, but I hope that you're finding that the joys and laughs and intimacy and such make it all worth it! :hug:
02-19-2011, 09:14 PM
big hugs to you! a hundred hugs! i have followed along on your posts too, although i've only been on here since around nov. i think you've been in maintainance most of that time. or all of it.
i wish i could be helpful in responding to your posts, can't really think of anything helpful. just another friend trying to listen and give support.
on the small note about the food needing to be the same, why couldn't you make food that seems the same? like it's really much healthier than he would realize? like lowfat cheese, or something. people often can't tell the difference. for example, the shredded chicken tacos. or make fahitas with colorful peppers, onions, garlic and grilled chicken or steak. either of those sound like really healthy options and foods that guys would love.
there's alot that i'll eat, but my dh won't or my kids much of the time. they won't touch lentils with a ten-foot pole most of the time lol. but it just seems like the food could so easily comprimised. perhaps, you can find out the reason why he wants it to be the same. that could be really helpful.
i really hope everything works out, and that you are truly happy.
02-19-2011, 09:42 PM
Hey Megan. I guess I don't really have any better advice than what has already been said. But I really can't imagine what it must have felt like to pour your heart out to your hubby and get shut down like that. Not cool. You didn't deserve that kind of reaction.
Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I've watched your posts on here and always admired you. I'm 20, and I had a similar crappy childhood. Most people I've "met" who went through that turned to alcohol or drugs to deal. Seeing another smart rational girl who moved on to make something of herself (and lose weight!) has inspired me more than you could know. I really look up to you Megan. I'm sorry life is peeing in your proverbial cheerios, but I have faith you will find a solution. :hug:
02-19-2011, 10:03 PM
But I want some inkling that he feels compassion. He may not understand, but surely he can see that his wife is upset, frightened, sad, etc. And for some reason, that inspires only anger in him.
As a man (and like a bit of an "alpha type" male seeing as though he's military, like mine who is a police officer), he shows anger at not being able to save or protect you. It inspires a sense of failure and subsequent anger in many men who cannot 'save' or 'protect' their family from something awful.
He sounds like a good man, but that this was a very heated argument and things said out of anger that weren't necessarily true. Again I suggest marriage builders :)
02-19-2011, 10:40 PM
I don't know you very well since I'm relatively new here, but I wanted to give you hugs :hug:
Your situation sounds oh so painful- and yet mildly familiar to me. When my now ex husband and I met, I was a smoker, overweight still (just not so much) with a dark past. It didn't phase him. I had quit smoking when I was pregnant with our daughter, but 3 months after she was born, the pressure of working full time, and child rearing (which I did most of even though I was the one who was working! :mad: ) and EVERYONE at my job had smoked-- I had started it back up. But it was "minor".. I was having like 5 cigarettes a day...(considering I used to smoke almost two packs a day) Anyway.. I never told him. I thought he would be so disappointed in me etc etc.
... except when he found out, he wasn't disappointed. In fact, I thought his reaction was irrational. He was completely and totally enraged. And offically walked out on me shortly after that. Our marriage lasted 2 months at best.
(Ironically... While we were fighting and splitting up.. I had found out that he had cheated on me.. not only recently, but even while I was pregnant with our daughter) But in his eyes- I was a liar and deceptive. And to him, I'm the reason our marriage failed.. because in that instant- he no longer loved me. :?:
Anyway... I really found your husband's reaction to the whole thing extremely irrational. And I'm so sorry you had to witness and endure that. :hug: and I hope that he re-arranges his thinking... gives you an effin hug and you two work this out.
02-19-2011, 10:43 PM
My heart goes out to you I know how it hurts when the person you love turns on you. My wife suffers terribly from migraine headaches and she usually unleashes her anger on me. I know where it is coming from but it still hurts.
AA members use the serenity prayer a lot:
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
I prefer this version
God grant me the serenity
to accept the people I cannot change;
courage to change the one person that I can;
and wisdom to know that it is me.
For every day that there is sunshine, there will be days of rain,
it's how we dance within them both that shows our love and pain.
Aw, honey. Big big :hug:. My guess is that what is going on is only tangentially related to what/how you eat and is part of the lumps and bumps that happen with enormous life changes. Your health and how you eat is important, but if it wasn't that, I think the stress would have boiled over from some other trigger.
Military life, new marriage, moving, new life phases....how many major life "crises" have you been through recently? One a year is significant, you're on 4 or 5. BTDT, bought the t-shirt. Patience, love, a little counseling. You'll be okay. :hug:
02-19-2011, 10:47 PM
Megan, I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. You don't deserve it
I can really add to the advice that has already been said, but I want to offer you my support and hugs.
02-19-2011, 11:02 PM
Therapy seems like a good start. Hopefully he'll join you.
02-20-2011, 12:07 AM
I hope things will get better for you. At the same time, I think you should let this illuminate some aspects of your husband's personality and character. Think about how he will handle things if you have a child with special needs, for example? I hope that never happens of course, but I happen to have a child with special needs and I'm so glad my husband has stuck around. It is extremely stressful and there are many days when I need hugs and compassion and my son does too. I understand that this is just the very beginning of your marriage and you could work this out and become a very strong team together....but I think he has to show you that he's in it for the long haul...for better or for worse. Sometimes men don't like change and maybe he felt like you changed too much so somewhere in the subconscious, he maybe felt deceived. Well, either way, he should give you a chance to talk and he should know who you are....how kind and thoughtful and honest you are. If he can't see that and if he twists and warps reality to fit his own reality, then maybe love is not enough. I hope I don't offend you but I think it's very important to evaluate someone's reactions to stress because that is really the window into your future....we all have stress and some of it is not good stress. Huge hugs to you. :hug:
02-20-2011, 09:35 AM
I can absolutely understand why you need a hug, and an "I love you" - completely understandable, and completely ridiculous that he couldn't give it to you. You'll deal with a lot of big issues throughout your married life,and you deserve a partner who will stand by you through them and not just take the easy way out. I really hope he'll agree to some counseling and you can both work on your communication issues. Here's a virtual hug, anyways, I'm thinking of you and hope everything works out for the best. :hug:
02-20-2011, 09:38 AM
And guys can't read minds. He may not know you need a hug. Have you asked for one? That's another part of being married, learning that you have to ask for what you need, even things like hugs. He may just be too afraid to give one, but he obviously loves you, but is hurt and doesn't understand. Communication BOTH ways is the key to working through this.
02-20-2011, 10:26 AM
It makes me so sad that the first thing he did upon hearing your confession wasn't to hug you. Some guys just really, truly suck at handling tough situations with compassion rather than anger. I don't think he meant what he said about not loving/not being attracted to you, and those were just irrational explosive angry words. I'm not trying to excuse his behavior at all; it was a very man-baby thing to do to cry "annulment" at the first sign of trouble.
However, there is obviously a lot to be talked about, and I don't think you should have to take it all upon yourself to handle it all. You've done so much of that already, with raising yourself and handling addiction and disordered thinking and massive weight loss and recent flirtations with disordered eating. Counseling could be a good idea, or one of those aforementioned hotlines.
*hug, hug, hug, hug, hug*
02-20-2011, 10:38 AM
You've already received lots of advice so I'll just add a hug and a wish that things stabilize for you!
02-20-2011, 10:51 AM
I'm so sorry you are going through rough times*BigWarmHug*:hug:
02-20-2011, 11:00 AM
I am so sorry you are going through this Megan but it is fixable :) You have been given some good advice here. I think one of the biggest obstacles you both are going to overcome is realizing who each of you really is to the other one in the relationship.
You are both so very young and as you mentioned only together a short time before he left for service to his country. He was focused on that....you were focused on school and getting healthy....which was good, at the time, because it sped up the future you were looking forward to together.
Now that the future is here and you are both settling into life that "honeymoon" feeling of a new relationship is probably slowing going away...and now the real Megan and Sean are showing up....
I don't mean that in a bad way at all...we all put on our best faces in new relationships ;)
I hope you find a way to reconnect the new Megan and the new Sean, you both seem like great kids...
and that is it...you are still kids...saying stupid things at times...he may be a strong man in the military but he isn't far from being a kid either....maturity comes with age.
Good luck to you both...Prayers :hug:
02-20-2011, 12:06 PM
Thanks again (and again and again, hehe) to all of you.
While I was making dinner last night, he came up behind me and gave me my hug and said he was sorry for being angry, it was only because he was afraid for my health. I practically melted, haha. That was ALL I needed! So while I was cooking, we talked more about it. He was very upfront in a civil way about what concerned him, why he was reacting in an angry way, and so on. He said he was not only afraid for my health, but what would happen if I was pregnant and still eating that way. He explained that while he was afraid for me, he reacted with anger because he was angry at himself for not being able to "fix" it (some of you really hit the nail on the head with that one...anytime I even have a bad day, he gets grumpy because he feels like he did something to screw it up). And in turn I explained that I don't need him to "fix" it, he has no power to fix my issues with that. All I needed from him was love and knowing he had my back even if things (whatever things, not just this issue) get rough.
And upon further reflection, now that I'm not so blindly sad, I can understand the anger reaction. I can't excuse the hurtful things he said, I can forgive, but those words hurt pretty deep...but I can understand the frustrated anger. I remember being furious at my mother when I found empty bottles. I've never been a person to confront somebody with my anger, but I seethe pretty effectively. I may not yell, but people know when I'm mad. And I'm sure my mother felt hurt and ashamed and abandoned when her only child felt so much anger towards her for relapsing yet again. So I can understand his anger, I've felt it myself. How can I expect him to coo and coddle at me for hurting myself? While his reaction was bad, my idea of the reaction I hoped from him was also fairly unrealistic.
So as of right now, we are good and moving forward. Like I said, some of the wounds from his words are still pretty open, but I'm willing to forgive his mistakes as I need him to be willing to forgive mine. I'm sure this particular issue is not 100% solved, but I'm looking forward to getting over the hump together. I'm also looking forward to my yummy planned lunch. I can do wonderful things with a leftover chicken breast :)
02-20-2011, 12:19 PM
:hug: I'm so glad you guys talked it through, and that you got your hug.
02-20-2011, 12:33 PM
Maybe i'm the only one... but it doesn't surprise me? When someone is gone and you get married shortly after they return, you really do not really know each other - YET.
Things like this will probably show up more and more and being in a relationship you will learn to communicate more effectively/efficiently.
Its time to get to know each other. Marriage or no marriage. It's just a piece of paper.
It looks like last night you experienced a break through - him explaining his feelings towards it. Always keep communication OPEN and honest like it was yesterday, that will keep your marriage going (or not if that's what you both choose).
02-20-2011, 02:44 PM
I have been following this thread for a couple days and I'm so glad you both were able to talk :) I'm glad that, even though you still have some hurt feelings, you're at a point where there's more understanding between you two, better communication, and you can both move forward together.
Anyway, just wanted to let you know that there is yet another person out there who does care :hug:
If you keep the communication open like you have been, I think you'll have a good chance in your marriage :)
02-20-2011, 03:11 PM
Glad to hear it! I think being newlyweds is often tough -- we overly romanticize "happily ever after" to the point where I think sometimes newlyweds are surprised by how tough it is. Throw in all the additional stresses you have both been under and *poof* Extra Tough!
I think you're right that this isn't all resolved, that takes time. But he's made a big step toward you, and that's so important.
02-20-2011, 08:11 PM
I'm so glad to hear that things are headed in a good direction. I would've hated to hear that either of you had thrown in the towel on your marriage at this point. And I certainly hope that he does get involved in therapy with you; clearly you need someone who can hear you out and support you, but it sounds like he could benefit from being a part of that process. Many people would!
I'm really hoping things head in a positive trajectory for you. *hugs!*
02-20-2011, 08:43 PM
I'm so glad to hear you two talked and you got your hug!!
02-20-2011, 10:22 PM
Good news!!!!!!!! I hope your eating and your marriage continue along a healthy and balanced path. Having these kinds of fights/big discussions is never easy, but ultimately it's good that you two are addressing the issues (and really, going from explosive anger to apologetic understanding and calm discussion in a couple days isn't bad!) and COMMUNICATING!
02-21-2011, 10:32 AM
More thanks, as always :)
Things are still going well and improving.
First of all, on my eating. I've been eating healthfully and on plan, and it's been easy. A relief, even (not surprising...I'm sure you can imagine that eating feels good after not eating, lol). Hubs took me to the grocery store and we stocked up on my old favorite Megan-foods. Last night I made several yummy veggie sides and fish. I fried his fish and had a marinated and broiled fillet for myself. I guess I was just in a funk last week when I felt the need to restrict. I've never done that before and don't plan on doing it again. I feel absolutely no compulsion to stay below 600 calories anymore.
And for Sean and I, it's going quite well. To luciddepths who thought this situation was an obvious outcome, I agree with you. My husband is actually the one with the very romantic fairytail ideas of marriage. Nobody in his family has ever gotten divorced, but practically everyone in my family is. He has seen the happy face of marriage, his happy parents, everyone getting along. I've seen the worst of it. So I was very nervous when he was coming home from Iraq and was going to be moving in with me (we'd never lived together before). I knew it would be a complete upheaval to both of our lives, we would have to get to know each other all over again, I was very aware of how challenging it would be. He seemed to think he'd come home to a happy ever after ending. Not to mention we put ourselves in a rough spot with all the stressful stuff we had to deal with in a few short weeks. As a result, every little argument, about ANYthing (lights being left on, who got the remote, etc) was blown way out of proportion. And to an extent, we've still been dealing with that. I despise fighting, I don't have a confrontational bone in my body, so every argument is really hard on me. I accept that there's an unavoidable element of conflict in marriage and that people will naturally get angry sometimes. But the harsh words that and furious explosions are hard on me. And while they're obviously still something we're dealing with, it has gotten so much better. It's not about any little thing anymore, we "get over it" a lot quicker, and afterwards our communication has much improved. And our relationship as a whole has just gotten better since those first weeks when he was home from Iraq, which is to be expected. We hug more, laugh more, talk more, are more playful, helpful for eachother, etc. It's not perfect, there have been some serious bumps in the road, but it's getting better :)
02-21-2011, 11:18 AM
Just more [hugs] Megan. I'm glad to hear that things are moving in the right direction and that the two of you are communicating. It sounds like you come from very different backgrounds, not necessarily a bad thing so do my DH an I, but as you've pointed out it's important to realize that because you'll both react very differently towards certain situations. Anyway, it's all part of the getting to know you stage as we all know.
Hang tight - this too shall pass!
02-21-2011, 11:40 AM
I think as scary as that fight may have been, it was a good step in your marriage, essential actually! It is totally unrealistic for any marriage to not have a stormy fight (our first one was not until our son was born 3 years in) but it's how you deal with & learn from that fight that makes you a stronger couple.
If anything, perhaps it is a blessing in disguise :) Your husband's experience with fairy tales may also be that he didn't SEE those fights that inevitably existed in his family - many parents are good at making sure their children never see it. It's what you do after the fight to become stronger that matters. I KNEW he was angry because he couldn't "fix it". So typical of military/police-type men (like mine). They are good souls but sometimes are green when they realize they can't fix everything for everyone - it's a maturity/learning step for them. Sounds like you both grew :)
02-21-2011, 12:13 PM
:) just have to let him know responses like that get a relationship no where :)
I'm glad it's ironing itself out
02-21-2011, 12:34 PM
I'm happy to hear things are improving. You deserve every happiness!
02-21-2011, 02:30 PM
Oh sweety I'm so sorry you are having such a rough go of it.
my first thought while reading your post was that perhaps you did not have the opportunity to deal with the co-dependency of your Moms alcohol addiction. You control food because it gives you control over your life, this is important to you because you were helpless to you Mom's addiction. I too grew up with Alcoholism. Al anon can help with this.
As for your husband he is being a selfish ***. and needs a smack upside the head. Sweetheart, you can't fix him ... hopefully he will realize how much of an Idiot he has been and come around on his own.
02-21-2011, 03:02 PM
:hug: Hi Meagan! You've been on my mind and in my prayers! Glad to hear things are better. When you said all you needed was a hug from Sean, all I could think about was the book: For Men Only by Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn, a straightforward guide to the inner lives of women. Guys can read this book in an afternoon and everyone of them should! They make a girls version: For Women Only and every woman should read it! I've been married for 20 years and I wish I had this book 20 years ago! It deals with six key findings: Reassurance, emotions,security, listening, sex and beauty. Many of the threads on 3FC deal with how their guys deal with the weight issues--this is a great book and really a must read. My hubby was clueless on some points that the book explained perfectly--sometimes if we are having a 'discussion' (I also hate confrontation--as does he, thank goodness!) and I grab the "Man" book and place a bookmark on the page I would like him to re-read, he can't read my mind but he can read the book that explains my mind perfectly!:dizzy:. Again, :hug: to you!
02-21-2011, 04:00 PM
I'm glad things are better. From reading your first entry, I think both you and your husband went through a lot of change and stress in a short period of time. It was a big change for both of you when he returned, moved in, got married and moved. Sometimes, during periods of change like this, our emotions get the better of us. Little things like 6lbs or an unmet expectation can cause "black and white" thinking - AKA "it's all over!! AHHH!" thinking. Try to remember that he is stressed and that you are also stressed. Sometimes it is nothing more than that. Enjoy the monotony and boredom - you've had enough excitement for a while.
hope for recovery
02-21-2011, 04:13 PM
I think time makes things better. Men tend to be impulsive, they need time. On the eating disorder I go to a 12 step support group and this is how i am recovering. My eating is absolutely normal today, I have to make effort for it but I have no outer symptoms as before. I can relate to the alcoholic parent, I am 23 as well, life can be tough. PM me if you want to chat, it gets better. Big hugs from me!
02-21-2011, 04:41 PM
*hugs* im so glad things are getting better and so sorry to hear you had to go through it at all. I remember reading your posts shortly after he returned about him being unhappy about you cooking different meals. I dont beleive i commented at the time, but i do remember worrying if it would lead to a bad outcome, either you gaining back or some sort of disordered eating. I didnt think this would be the end result with his reaction and all.
One thing i wanted to chime in with as i didnt see anyone mention it, he never got a chance to see and get used to the changes to your eating habits, he left for iraq and you were this awesome girl who was down eating whatever whenever, within reason. Then he comes back and all of a sudden your eating is more high maintenance and throws him for a loop. His reaction to that was to question the necessity. I dont see his request as him trying to be controlling as others have voiced concerns over, i see it as he honestly didnt understand it.
Although i'm sure you discussed your journey during the year apart, hearing about something, and living with the reality can be completely different. The only chance he would have had to experiance it was during leave, and i beleive you went on a break while he was back, kept things within line but not strictly OP. So when he got back was really the first time he was dealing with it directly.
I think that if, at that point, you had been able to get through to him that you cant eat like that all the time and stay happy and healthy. That he wouldnt have made you or been upset. He just had to process that thats what you needed.
In terms of the 'lying' thing i think when you confessed to him the binging, and later the restricting, part of him flipped into the thought that thats what you did all year and now you cant stop. Along with all the problems associated with that kind of disordered eating... Now that DOES NOT make his reaction ok at all, i think it just kind of helps to understand where his mind may have gone with it to lead to 'lying'.
Something i recommend possibly trying, especially if it still bugs him about the different meals at all, maybe see about coming to a comprimise. Maybe something like you both eat your plan meals twice a week and meals that are off plan and you both enjoy twice a week and the other three days you have your seperate foods. Or, it you can convince him, maybe your meals during the week and off plan on the weekend. From the sound of that casserole his health could likely improve from eating healthy more regularly as well lol
anyways, *hugs* good luck to you!
02-21-2011, 05:16 PM
Just out of curiosity have you ever been to al-anon for families? I am also the child of an alcoholic (a pretty extreme one who is now dying of liver disease) and it's good to get to know others in that position. We (the children) are at even more risk of alcoholism and addictive behaviours, it's good to get some support.
02-21-2011, 05:39 PM
It sounds like this whole situation is a result of you being together one year and away from each other the next year. Especially in the early 20's it seems like a year can make a huge difference to the type of person you are. (I'm 27 and am totally different from when I was 22!) So, he comes home after a year and sees a new you, then probably subtle changes in your personality that you may not even have thought about. While I don't condone the things he said and how he said them, it's not surprising he's having issues coping. While you know you're pretty much the same person, he may not even recognize the woman he left a year ago and now that things are settling down it's all hitting him at once.
I really think your husband ought to go with you to therapy. As others have said, sometimes it's easier to say what needs to get said with a professional, neutral third party. If you get too emotional, the therapist can help you focus on what's really wrong and state it in a non-emotional way your husband may understand better. Just think of it as using a language translator. :)
However, this doesn't mean you shouldn't be aware of personality changes in your husband. With all service members, you should always keep an eye out for PTSD. I've known far too many veterans that returned from conflicts that turned to drugs, alcohol and other destructive behaviors then had to pick up the pieces after hitting rock bottom.
I hope things work out for you but if the unthinkable happens and you separate, you still have to take care of yourself, so never put that on the back burner! :hug:
02-22-2011, 03:14 AM
I recently turned 29 and am in year 2 of a serious, committed relationship.
As I got older, it got easier. Of course, being with the right person also makes it easier. One reason is because "explosions" still occur, but not at the same frequency. And both of us know that no "explosion" could ever ruin our relationship. It is too stable.
I had to mature a bit to realize that. So, as you mature in the relationship and feel secure - and him as well (I don't know how old you are, but you look quite young in your pic), the drama dies down.
And, when the little fights start adding up, it simply means you've been around each other too much - sometimes we need to miss the one we love! Take a trip to go see your family or friends for a few days.... change your schedule so that you guys don't see each other SO much.
Seriously - seeing your beloved too often eventually leads to frustration.
02-22-2011, 07:40 AM
Hi Megan, I'm so glad things are improving! :hug: Just keep the communication lines open and I'm sure everything will turn out wonderful!
02-22-2011, 01:36 PM
When I was 20, I graduated college, got married, moved to two different regions of the state and several hours from my friends and family. We ended up in a tiny "town" oF ten people with exceptionally harsh winters, a crappy house, and really tight finances. Before we got married, DH and I had never even lived in the same town, much less together in the same house. This all happened in the course of 4 months or so. It was an adjustment, to say the least.
This summer we'll be celebrating our 5th year of marriage. It hasn't always beeen easy. There have been some very tough times, including living 4 hours apart for work for over a year and a half.
The most important thing I've learned, and the best advice I can give, is to learn to be very direct and very transparent about your needs. A lot of times we want our husbands to just know what we need or want, and most of the time, they're clueless. My husband is Captain Fix It when it comes to problems, and he gets exceptionally frustrated and sometimes angry when he can't fix them. I've learned that the best way around it is to be very vulnerable about it, but direct. Instead of "I'm having a lot of problems sticking to my WOE and I feel so desperate and fat and I hate myself" and expecting him to know how to handle it, I've learned to say the same thing but add what I need him to do at the end "I'm having a lot of problems sticking to my WOE and I feel so desperate and fat and I hate myself. I need you to hug me and tell me you love me and that you still think I'm beautiful and that you know I can do this. " By taking the guesswork out of what I want, and giving him an avenue to feel that he is helping me "fix" it, it has really helped keep the communication lines of our relationship healthy. It's hard to be that vulnerable sometimes, but I can't always expect him to know what I need or how to deal with an issue I'm coming to him with. It's also hard because sometimes even I don't know what I need. I've found that opening those conversations with "I need to talk to you about something and I just need you to listen and hug me when I'm done" helps. That way he feels like there are actions he can take (listening, hug) and he knows what I'm looking for from him.
I'm sorry to hear that you guys are going through so much right now, but I'm glad that things are on the up-swing. Good luck and keep going!
02-22-2011, 02:30 PM
I want to tell you my story- maybe it will help. I was disowned by my abusive, controlling parents for dating someone outside of the religion when I was 18 years old, and it caused me to develop an eating disorder. I am 24 years old now. To deal with the stress, at first, I began overeating. Then I began starving myself to get rid of the weight I gained. I starved myself down to 84 lbs (I am 4'11"- but still scary!) and slowly I began to recover.
Fast forward- I met my (now fiancee) online when I was starving myself, but at that point, was probably at least 95 lbs. He left for 8 months for military service but we kept in contact over the phone and e-mail. I continued starving myself when he was gone, because I live alone, and nobody was there to stop me. I worked out all the time and ate very specific foods. I was anorexic, I had extreme anxiety about taking a rest day from exercising or eating anything outside of the foods I "allowed myself" to eat. My (now fiancee) came back into town, was shocked at how thin I was, and through the process of dating him and being a normal human being-- eating at restaurants, popcorn at the movies, making dinner for both of us, I gained about 40 lbs. I needed to gain weight, but now I weigh too much. I'm not horribly overweight, but I'm above what I am comfortable with. HE figured out that I had an eating disorder because he realized how much anxiety I had around certain foods, like cheese or butter. I was bingeing when he was around because he would eat pizza and lasagna and stuff, and I couldn't resist anymore. Like you, I was trying to eat smaller portions of fattening dishes and felt hungry and deprived. I was gaining weight. I wanted to push him away, and I started fights because I couldn't keep up with my crazy workout and diet routine with him back in the picture. It was impossible to fit this into a normal life with a normal guy.
About 4 months later, we were driving home from a friend's house and he asked me if I had an eating disorder. I said "yes" ... and I told him everything. Every dirty secret about my eating disorder. I let it out. I cried for about 3 hours in the car. And our relationship was in recovery ever since. He told me that he loved me, and he would help me, and I was beautiful no matter what.
My (now fiancee) has helped me find a therapist, and I go once a week. He watches me to make sure I am not undereating, but also if I am eating too fast or it looks like I may be bingeing, he asks me if I am really hungry. We workout together. I am so thankful to have such a wonderful, supportive guy.
Your husband needs to support you. Maybe eating disorders are not something he is comfortable with, but he married YOU, and if you need his help, he should not be turning his back to you. That's how I feel. Counseling could help you-- it helped me immensely. I could not have recovered without my fiancee's help. Your husband may need some time to process what he is feeling, but he should come back to you and tell you that he wants to help. Please let us know what happens.
02-22-2011, 02:40 PM
I am so happy things are improving. I really enjoy reading your posts, as we share similar thoughts. It is so hard eating like a "normal" person. I watch everything that goes in like a hawk. I do not really count calories but eat things that are low fat and fresh. I eat lots of salad and fruit. I have become obsessed. I feel like this is one thing in my life that I control...no one else can do this. My husband supports me but says your getting so thin. So while my issues are different somewhat than yours, I still empathize with your struggle. I also miss eating all the cheesy foods....but I hate the way I feel when I do it. I like having self control--it makes me feel empowered. I am trying to come to a balance, as I realize too much control may equal bad health. Circumstances beyond my control started my weight loss efforts, and stress from various sources make me feel controlled and pulled certain directions. This has led me to controlling the one thing that only I have power over....and I need to get a balance. "Normal" eating like "regular" people will not happen because there is too much variation on perception norms for normal. I am working on balance for me. You are not alone in the struggle. Hugs.
02-23-2011, 02:05 AM
Wow...I don't know what to say either, sorry to keep with the theme. I know this is the first time in a while I have felt real sadness and anger for someone by proxy; especially through a screen.
Part of me wants to give him the benefit of the doubt and say he might have PTSD. The boys don't always come back from Iraq with their psyche in perfect order, and we all know that. But the other part of me just feels serious rage for you and I can also identify with you being a military girlfriend myself. Mine is an Airman, though.
I'm blown away, I want to hug you. I am so sorry.
Just remember that love/attraction/attachment and marriage notwithstanding, don't stand by or wait for someone with no respect, compassion or empathy for you. The only way to move is up.
02-23-2011, 05:33 AM
Wow...I don't know what to say either, sorry to keep with the theme. I know this is the first time in a while I have felt real sadness and anger for someone by proxy; especially through a screen.
Part of me wants to give him the benefit of the doubt and say he might have PTSD. The boys don't always come back from Iraq with their psyche in perfect order, and we all know that. But the other part of me just feels serious rage for you and I can also identify with you being a military girlfriend myself. Mine is an Airman, though.
I'm blown away, I want to hug you. I am so sorry.
Just remember that love/attraction/attachment and marriage notwithstanding, don't stand by or wait for someone with no respect, compassion or empathy for you. The only way to move is up.
:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:
Megan...I am so happy to see that things are going better for you and your husband. I was thinking exactly the same thing Nebuchadnezzar just said above. All 3 of my 20 something sons are military. The oldest served 3 tours in Iraq, and middle is currently in Afghanistan and the youngest has been deployed once on a ship, due to be deployed again in a few months. They have all changed so much since becoming military men. My oldest has suffered from PTSD, and was very good at hiding behind other issues to avoid having to face it or discuss it.
Of course, I am very concerned for you. But, I am also concerned about your husband and think PTSD could be a real possibility here. Especially considering the way it appears that he overreacted. Regardless, I just want you to know that so many people here have been cheering on your efforts and want what's best for you. You and your husband are both in my thoughts.
02-23-2011, 05:11 PM
Awww Megan....((hug))) I love you! I know I'm a stranger, but I know that need well dear!
So much of your story reflects to mine. That all or nothing mentality. Boy do I get that! My husband grew up with alcoholic parents. In my binging and issues with control, I feel like he almosts humors what part of me is up to bat like he did his parents to keep the peace, so I understand that too.
It seems like he's angry because he doesn't understand your feelings well enough to "fix" them for you. Men love to be needed, but get all bowed up when backed into a corner by the unknow, then lash out as he did on you.
Has he called or come back? I wouldn't leave, but I would ask him to talk to you calmly and tell you what makes him feel like you're anorexic. Tell him what he sees in you, not in what you've told him, that tells him that. Maybe pull some resources on binging and different disorders to share with him?
What he needs is to become informed about what you're going through so he can sympathize with you. He won't be able to do that until he knows more about it and is rational about it.
I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. I am praying he comes back and you two can work it all out. ((hugs!))