Weight Loss Support - Feeling Guilty?




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epro
02-18-2011, 09:29 PM
I feel somewhat conflicted over my desicion to lose weight. I've always been outspoken about being against dieting (unless necessary for your health) and loving your body just as it is. However, I feel like I've just been hiding my true feelings about my own body issues. Now that I'm losing weight I feel like a traitor, because I do believe beauty comes in different shapes and sizes, but when you're the only one defending your body and every woman you know thinks they could lose a few pounds (and they're half your size!!!), you really begin to lose self-esteem.
Dieting has also become a topic that's even garnered me friendships because it's something most women are doing or *****ing about. So even though I feel this unbearable guilt of realising I want to lose weight, I still can't help but embrace it.

I don't really know where I'm going with this post. I guess I want to know why you guys are losing weight. Is it societal preassures, health issues, or just simply superficiality? Do you feel any guilt towards trying to fit a certain beauty mold/standard?


DisgruntledOne
02-18-2011, 09:34 PM
this will make me sound probably like the shallowist person ever but......I want cute clothes!!!! I want to put something on my body that looks nice and I don't have bulges and rolls hanging every where...

niafabo
02-18-2011, 09:55 PM
i always felt that way until the harsh reality of the world hit me. don't feel guilty about losing weight you will get much farther in life if you're thinner. i fought that truth with all my heart for years but it's true. getting a date is easier, getting a job is easier, moving around is easier, finding clothes is easier, everything is easier. part of me still hates that fact but it's true. that's what pushed me into trying to lose weight in the first place. this is my first attempt to lose weight and i think i've been pretty successful at it so far. i have definitely noticed a major difference.


krampus
02-18-2011, 10:05 PM
I got tired of feeling jealous of thin people. I don't feel guilty at all for doing it strictly for aesthetic reasons. No reason is more "valid" than another, though it's obviously more urgent for someone who weighs 400 pounds than someone who is technically within a healthy weight range.

Beccajuanita
02-18-2011, 10:07 PM
You shouldn't feel guilty. I wanted to lose weight to be prettyer and have prettyer looking cloths. It is about how you feel if you thank your pretty other people will to. With you really wasn't to big to start with.

epro
02-18-2011, 10:21 PM
I got tired of feeling jealous of thin people.
Did it work?

Ursula745
02-18-2011, 10:25 PM
What if you knew someone addicted to crack? Would you say the same? It's ok, you're addicted to crack. Just embrace it and keep doing what you're doing. Both crack and obesity are killers.

stacygee
02-18-2011, 10:26 PM
I went through a stage that I said I was very against dieting. It was really just a cover up b/c I couldn't find the will power to stick to anything.

When I started I thought I needed to lose weight to fit into the community I live in. Now that I feel better about myself I am totally over being friends with the women who wouldn't look at me 72 pounds ago.

It has been a lot of different reasons... but right at this moment I just love how losing a pound feels and I love going to the gym and knowing I worked really hard. It is all for me and the cute clothes I want to wear.

jewelswa
02-18-2011, 10:29 PM
I want my hubbie to look at me with that glow like he used to. I am also feeling trapped with the extra weight. I am still trying to figure it all out.

Horo
02-18-2011, 10:33 PM
First and foremost I lost weight for my health. By the time I started losing, I was 13 years old and it had been 3 years since I had seen a doctor- when I was 10, I was already obese and my doctor said I had borderline blood pressure. Diabetes and heart problems run in my mother's side of the family, and she and literally each of her siblings, her two sisters and her brother, are all obese and have diabetes. My grandfather on that side of the family was overweight and died of a heart attack before I was even born and my grandmother, who was also obese during most of her adult life, died in result of her diabetes a year after I had began losing weight. My largest motivator was to put an end to that family tradition.

Beyond that reason, I absolutely did it for aesthetic reasons as well. I wanted to wear clothes I actually liked, to have a shapely figure(it's absolutely true that many larger women have lovely figures, but when I was 13 years old I just looked like a blob) and to feel good about the way I looked. The only beauty standard I hold myself up to is my own- I've never cared about what's "in" or what everyone else considers beautiful, just what pleases me personally, and so that's all I've ever aspired to.

I personally have never once felt guilty about losing the weight for the reasons I did- it's improved my quality of life to an extent that I can't even begin to put in words and I feel that I was worth doing such a good thing for myself, regardless of what's going on with the rest of society on that subject.

Spinach
02-18-2011, 10:41 PM
A few reasons for me

High blood pressure and heart issues in my family. A good diet and less padding just makes sense healthwise.

I don't like how I look. I think my thighs look sloppy and I have to see them everytime I look down... that's if I get past my belly.

I don't like how hard it is to keep up with my sporty friends. I turn red and sweat like crazy, I know that a good part of this is genetics, but I know that being in shape will lessen it.

So a little sensible and a lot vanity :)

Niecy
02-18-2011, 10:53 PM
A lot of reasons for me, but the most being superficial. I was beginning to look JUST like my mom and well, my mom did not look healthy at all! She began dieting with me. I gained back about 10 lbs or so that I am working on now, and she gained back 20, but overall I feel much better for making the changes.

Nola Celeste
02-18-2011, 10:53 PM
I spent too much of my younger life wishing I were thinner when I was already a pretty good size and shape. Then I gained--a lot--and found myself way bigger than I thought I would ever be (so funny to look back and think that 200 was the absolute limit that I would never exceed, like it was the speed of light or something). That's made me struggle to find acceptance of myself even though I once picked myself apart at a considerably lower weight.

I feel as though body-hate is something I've really got to shake. So is guilt. So is worry over whether wanting to look what you feel is your best is superficial.

You aren't a traitor for wanting to lose weight. Would you feel like a traitor if you dyed your hair a different color? Would you feel superficial if you wore makeup when you usually don't (or didn't wear it if you usually do)? Those aren't marks of vanity, so why should changing your weight be considered such? People sometimes use the term "vanity pounds" for small amounts of weight that don't adversely affect your health (unlike my extra weight, which does), but maybe it helps to think of them as "comfort pounds" instead.

Do you think you'll be more comfortable at 117 than you were at 139? Then go for it. As long as it's still in the healthy range and not an unrealistic goal (and at your height, it isn't), there's no vanity whatsoever in changing your size. It's your body; you should be able to do what you like with it, and that shouldn't imply a judgement on other body shapes and sizes.

I admire long skirts and wide hats on tall women, but they're not for a shortie like me. By the same token, there's nothing wrong with admiring a voluptuous body even while acknowledging that it's not a shape you want for yourself. It doesn't make you traitorous to your ideals.

I want to lose weight because I used to have a va-va-voom shape and now I feel as though I could measure an entire afternoon with the amount of "sand" in my hourglass figure. Sure, part of it's for my health, but most of it is because I like the way I look with less weight on me. Plain and simple.

ncuneo
02-18-2011, 11:04 PM
I'll be honest, while yes I lost weight to be healthy and have a baby, I really lost it because I wanted to be thin again. I wanted to fit in, I wanted to be comfortable in my own skin, I wanted to shop where ever I wanted, I wanted to stop feeling like people were staring at me because I was fat, I wanted to be the hot mom, the trophy wife, I wanted people to be jealous of me for a change. Yes I did it for many superficial reasons and I'm not ashamed. We live in the world we live in and for many of us, or at least for me, that world is easier as a thin person.

Vladadog
02-18-2011, 11:04 PM
I used to say pretty much the same thing and even now, and to some extent I still believe it. I do not think people should be judged by their size and I do believe beauty comes in all sizes and shapes.

I joined 3FC because I really wanted to go to Hershey Park for my 50th birthday party and I was tired of being worried about not being able to fit on the rides I most wanted to go on. Beauty *may* come in all sizes but not all sizes can ride The Great Bear. I lost about 40 pounds and rode the rides without fear.

And, mission accomplished, I promptly regained all that weight.

Skip forward a year or so. I had just pulled off a weeklong project that required a huge amount of physical stamina and strength. I felt good about that, but it also was sort of dawning on me that I was not as strong as when I was younger. And that maybe I couldn't always expect my body to just get by like it always had. Plus my marginally healthier older brother was diagnosed as pre-diabetic. And my own blood work came back with less than stellar cholesterol numbers. Beauty may come in all sizes but some sizes are stronger and live longer. And I wasn't just fat, I was morbidly obese. I didn't feel morbid; I knew I was fat but I didn't feel all that fat. But reality was slowly sinking in through my many layers of insulation.

Nearly 100 pounds later I can do things I haven't in years. My blood work this year was great (and that was 20 pounds back so I'm hopeful it'll get even better). I don't regret that it took me till I was 50 to finally get serious about being healthy - I wasn't ready back then and I wouldn't have succeeded. Not long term, anyway. I'm just glad I finally did get serious.

Robin41
02-18-2011, 11:05 PM
There's nothing wrong with wanting to be comfortable in your own body. I started out for health reasons but saw no reason not to embrace the cute clothes and compliments that come with being thinner.

Life is easier thin. Does it solve all problems? Certainly not, but it's nice to not add to life's troubles by adding fear of airline seats, fear of restaurant booths, and the relative strength of plastic lawnchairs compared to your butt.

kaplods
02-18-2011, 11:09 PM
I went through a stage that I said I was very against dieting. It was really just a cover up b/c I couldn't find the will power to stick to anything.

I also went through a stage of being very against dieting, but it wasn't a coverup for anything. In my experience, 35 years of experience, diets only resulted (eventually) in my gaining weight.

I didn't know how to diet in a sustainable way. I knew my weight was impacting my health, but I didn't know how to diet in a way that wouldn't end with my being fatter than ever, so I was anti-diet, and had no good alternative.

When I lost 20 lbs unintentionally after being prescribed a cpap for sleep apnea, I was astonished. My cardiologist and pulmonologist both predicted that I would lose weight without trying as a result of the apnea treatment (I thought they were nuts). I don't even know how long it took, because I didn't even own a scale at the time. I just discovered at a checkup about 8 or 9 months after being prescribed the cpap, that I had lost 20 lbs.

I had never accidentally lost weight before (maybe with a flu, but that always came right back on).

I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to gain the weight back, so I didn't want to diet as I always had. I decided I needed to find a different way to diet. For me, that meant initially taking weight loss off the table, entirely. I decided to only make changes that I was willing to commit to whether or not they resulted in weight loss. And for two years, it didn't result in weight loss. I did keep the 20 lbs off, though and I made some great health improvements. I could do more, and I felt better (my health was extremely poor when I started. I couldn't even shower without a shower chair, and could barely wash my hair. Showering was so difficult that it wiped me out. I'd have to take a nap after showering).

I'm not losing weight for beauty or sex appeal. My husband and I (both quite fat) find each other sexy and attractive. We're losing to be healthier, not to be prettier. Is it a "better" motivation? I'm not even going to touch that. All I can say is that it's a better motivation for me. I don't have to evaluate it for anyone but me.

I don't value physical appearance all that much. Even when it comes to clothing, I prefer personality and originality to conventional beauty (even if the aesthetic isn't all that pleasing. Odd trumps beauty in my book.)

So for me, the motivation for weight loss had to be something else (for me health worked better). Even though my main motivation is health, I'm not going to feel guilty for looking better to myself or others. That would be hypocritical. It would mean that while I said "beauty isn't important to me," what I really meant would be "lack of beauty is morally superior to beauty."

If you believe that beauty isn't very important, then having it isn't anything to be proud OR guilty of. Even though I don't care much about beauty, it doesn't mean I should be ashamed of liking the way I look as I lose. Everything in my life doesn't have to be equally important. I don't consider posessions important, and wouldn't feel badly about giving every bit of it away for some higher purpose, but that doesn't mean I should feel guilty for having and liking some of my possessions. "Not important, but nice" is ok too.

I look better. It's not important to me, but it is nice.

I feel better. It's not only nice, it's very important to me.


I am not a better person, I'm just a thinner one. I don't have to hate the old me, to become a new me.

krampus
02-19-2011, 12:13 AM
Did it work?

A little. I'm still by every definition a work in progress. It is very nice to be able to wear my hair pulled back without fretting over my lack of jaw definition, that's for sure.

fivestone
02-19-2011, 08:19 AM
I'll be honest, while yes I lost weight to be healthy and have a baby, I really lost it because I wanted to be thin again. I wanted to fit in, I wanted to be comfortable in my own skin, I wanted to shop where ever I wanted, I wanted to stop feeling like people were staring at me because I was fat, I wanted to be the hot mom, the trophy wife, I wanted people to be jealous of me for a change. Yes I did it for many superficial reasons and I'm not ashamed. We live in the world we live in and for many of us, or at least for me, that world is easier as a thin person.

This... so much this. I live in a culture where I'm pretty much a superminority (central Europe with American, African, and western European roots). Sure, I speak the language and I embrace the culture and all that, yet at the same time, I'll always look like a foreigner at first glance, which is kind of annoying, but whatever. I don't have to look like a fat, ugly foreigner, at least.

So it's nice now to be slim and feel pretty. My husband says that some guys have told him that they envy him, which I know in turn makes him feel proud and good inside (which makes me happy, because he's a wonderful man, and I want everybody to know that I don't have eyes for anyone but him!) It's nice to feel confident and good about myself and my hard work, and I sure ain't gonna apologise for it. I guess my biggest struggle now is just knowing where is best for my size to settle weight-wise...and keeping true to what I want for me, and not what I think the culture dictates that I should be, or something.

hope for recovery
02-19-2011, 10:03 AM
Hey cheer up a bit! You are doing something loving and caring for your body! There is nothing wrong with that! And also our truth about the world and our values has got to change otherwise we never grow! Don't ask me how I felt when i stopped being a vegetarian after years! But it was the right thing for me to do at the time! And losing weight does mean that you are not loving your body! It is precisely because you love it that you care! And I know that love your overweight fat body talk, I used to do it but if i really loved it i would not let it be overweight but I did... because i did not love myself enough. But now I allow my body to lose weight and i don't stuff it with food for no reason or emotional reason because i care! And so do you! Congratulate yourself!

astrophe
02-19-2011, 10:22 AM
I guess I want to know why you guys are losing weight. Is it societal preassures, health issues, or just simply superficiality? Do you feel any guilt towards trying to fit a certain beauty mold/standard?


Because no matter how you slice it, 260 lbs on 5'8" is obese. That's not healthy for me now, and it isn't any healthier as I age.

I don't feel any guilt about it. I'm not trying to fit in any mold. Even when I was 160 lbs I wasn't trying to fit in any mold. I pretty much like me, and I don't have body image anxieties.

I was you when I was younger -- defending beauty at any size. I still believe that, though I don't need to defend it any more. My friends today are much more secure in themselves.

A person can be beautiful and wear themselves well as any size. But a person isn't healthy at every size. I'm not at my healthiest at this weight. I am obese.

Some of my friends in my younger days weren't healthy in the HEAD even though their bodies were fine. That's another kind of healthy at every size -- some people think losing weight = instant mental health. Like if they get slim enough, they don't have to do any work on self esteem or their negative thinking or something. Usually they just keep right on picking at themselves unless they put in the time for the mental/emotional health improvement stuff as well as the physical improvement stuff.

I'm not against healthy dieting. That's part of health maintaining. I only wish I'd started paying more attention sooner -- like you. When I was only 20-30 lbs out from target. I am against fad diets that are unhealthy. I don't see how that fits into a healthy habit.

In my teens and early 20's, I found it quite tiresome to listen to young women my own age cut themselves down all the time about how they were fat, or ugly or what crazy fad diet was the newest IN thing. I got tired of reassuring and you know what? I found it was bad for MY mental health to be surrounded by unhealthy thinking people. I went to hang with the guys more instead. Fantasy football was boring, but at least it wasn't boring AND body image/self esteem eroding.

I try to give the young women I meet today a little more encouragement and a little more patience, but I won't kid you. I still find it tiresome when the talk turns to body bashing. And if it starts to be more than I can take, I run for the hills. I don't need my own mental health starting to get rocky from hanging in a toxic environment.

A.

Heather
02-19-2011, 02:32 PM
I was nearly 300 pounds and needed to rediscover me. The me who can do things rather than the me who avoided a lot of things because I didn't have the fitness or stamina. Yes, cute clothes are great too, but I had to take my life back.

epro
02-19-2011, 09:41 PM
What if you knew someone addicted to crack? Would you say the same? It's ok, you're addicted to crack. Just embrace it and keep doing what you're doing. Both crack and obesity are killers.
One, that's a terrible analogy; and two, I said I was for dieting if it the person's health was in danger.

ShanIAm
02-19-2011, 10:01 PM
I have a lot of reasons but, sadly, being healthy is on the very bottom.

The truth is I'm tired of being jealous of my skinnier friends. I won't go out with them because they will get attention from men and I will not.

I am ashamed that I can't roll over easily while in bed and I wake myself up struggling.

Perhaps TMI but I'm tired of meeting men who think I'd be an easy to get into bed. Because, you know, I'm fat and have no self esteem or self respect. *insert eye roll here*

I want to wear cute skirts without stockings this summer.

I want to buy clothes in another color other than black.

I want my entire body to tan and not be left with white streaks where the fat folds were located.

I don't want to embarress my currently nameless boyfriend when he introduces me to friends & family.

I want people to treat me nicer.

I want to stop OBSESSING about what I look like and how much I weigh. I am exhausted thinking about it every minute of every day.

Yup.....all about vanity for me. ME ME ME!!

stacygee
02-19-2011, 10:45 PM
My reasons have changed as I have been going along. It started out that I thought I had to fit in. and then after a stress test failure it was for my health. Now I feel like I had been floundering and now I am defining myself as a person going on a weightloss journey. I am all about sticking to my plan and exercise and losing weight. I feel so much better inside and out and I can't wait to get to wear the last of the clothes in my OLD sizes and go buy new clothes.