100 lb. Club - Needing some love...dreading this wedding




Eliana
02-15-2011, 08:11 PM
I have this wedding I am going to in March. I've known about this wedding since about month two of this journey. I just knew I'd be at goal by then and I'm close. I'm within 11 pounds. :carrot:

This family of mine, which is out of state, is extremely judgmental. I've wanted so badly to be able to go to this wedding and just be me. I don't want to do a big reveal. I'm not looking for kuddos. I just don't want to be fat. And while we're at it, I'd love to be blonde with straight hair like all of them and 5'0" like all my cousins and tiny framed...but that's just not going to happen. I look like I was adopted. :rolleyes: My mom's side has very strong, fair genes and my dad's side has very strong dark genes, so my brother and I look like mutts on both sides.

My mom has tried to tell me that I'm crazy, that her family is NOT all that judgmental and that they love me just the way I am. She's wrong and I know it. I was just on the phone with her and I don't know what possessed her to share this with me but she told me she'd been bragging to my grandpa about my near 90 pound loss and she thought it wise to tell me his response. "Well goodness, just how fat did she let herself get?" She then apologized for not believing me. :dizzy: So now I have validation from her that her family is indeed judgmental. Then she proceeded to tell me she was so floored she talked to my brother and both my aunts about poor insecure "Eliana".

Basically, in trying to help, my mom has set up a scenario to fulfill my worst nightmare. :( The last time I was there, at 235 pounds mind you, I had to take anxiety medicine to get through the visit.

So...this weekend I'm going to get some pictures up of the two dresses I chose for the rehearsal dinner and the wedding itself and I need some love! :D It's going to take a good fifty compliments from all of you to get me in a good head space about this. :^: Also, I would love some help with accessories. You can all help dress me up.

Gotta love family.


Arctic Mama
02-15-2011, 08:20 PM
Well you can't change her heart - if she is a nasty, judgmental person, that is ALL on her. The best revenge you can get is to be happy and graceful about the whole thing, and show your beautiful body AND personality off. If you let yourself get sucked into tha pettiness, they won't care either way, but YOU will be more hurt. So stay elegantly above the fray, and any unkind comments should either be ignored or met with a deadpan 'I can't believe you just said that. How embarrassing for you.'

Their prejudices about weight and anything else are their burden to bear. Don't take that on yourself when you have enough to deal with.


I have a wedding to attend in July, so I sympathize completely with anxiety over the event and just wanting to be loved for who you are at any weight. Thing is, the one who controls my anxiety is ME. I can choose how I respond to less than gracious comments, and I'm going to be choosing confidence and grace.

Those attitudes look a lot better with a sleek party dress than nervousness and stress ;)

AZ Sunrises
02-15-2011, 08:25 PM
Put Ex-Lax in the punch. By the end of the evening, the width of your posterior will be the last thing they think about.








That would be very wrong. Don't even consider doing it. Don't even giggle when you get visuals of it. Poor little blonde girls shuffling off to the potty after several drinks too many.


luckymommy
02-15-2011, 08:41 PM
I can't believe your mom did that.....but maybe you could think of it as a challenge? Just think, before, you had to take meds to get through it....and now, you have a chance to enter this situation with your head held high and do what Tyra did, tell them (in your head of course) that they can kiss your fat ***! ;) Of course it's not fat, just like Tyra's wasn't fat. The point is that this is an opportunity for you to reframe your thinking. Ask yourself why you care so much about what they think? So what? I obviously can't tell you how to feel. But, I wish you would take the power and not give them so much power over how you feel. I really hope I'm not hurting your feelings in saying all this. I've seen your progress here on this board and have been blown away. I think it takes such a great deal of strength and independence and commitment to do what you have done. You're an inspiration. When you go there, imagine a whole big giant posse of chicks walking in there right behind you, telling you how incredible you look and let that carry you through the wedding. Have fun! You'll come back here and let us know how proud you were of yourself for how you carried yourself! :hug: Oh, and I'd love to help you get dressed! I'm sure you're gonna look smokin' hot! ;)

losermom
02-15-2011, 09:12 PM
Eliana, you know that you have our undying love and affection! You are going to rock it out at this wedding. I love playing dress up. I cannot wait for your wedding attire option photos.

katy trail
02-15-2011, 09:22 PM
all the positive vibes sent your way, and hugs! that visual of ex-lax in the punch...omg. that was so funny!

sept15lija
02-15-2011, 09:34 PM
Looking forward to helping you choose your dress and gushing compliments on you (that'll be easy!!). :) And I can't believe your mom, although unfortunately I can believe it, because my mother also has foot in mouth disorder at times.

Emme
02-15-2011, 10:10 PM
Can't wait to see the dresses ~ I'm sure they'll be gorgeous! Family is hard to be around sometimes...but you are going to be much healthier when you see them and you should be very, very proud of yourself! Easier said than done, but don't worry about what they'll think or say.

krampus
02-15-2011, 10:25 PM
I anxiously await the upcoming game of paper doll.

bargoo
02-15-2011, 10:34 PM
Don't let them get you down. If they make unkind remarks it is because they are ignorant,. they can't help being stupid. Hold your head high and spend as little time as possible with this gang of cutthroats.

ParadiseFalls
02-15-2011, 10:35 PM
Wow!! I'm so incredible excited for you! For them to see you looking great is going to be amazing. I wouldn't be able to wait! I know you don't want a big reveal, but it must be nice to think about the looks on the faces of those who judged you before :)

Nola Celeste
02-16-2011, 12:29 AM
Yikes, no wonder you're uneasy about walking into that kind of situation; gotta love people whose only comment after hearing good news is to inquire about the bad news that made it look good in comparison.

I'd practice saying, "Thank you for noticing; I thought it was time for a change, so I made one. Now tell me about YOU!" Chances are extremely good that these tiny blonde elves will be all too happy telling you all about themselves and won't put you on the spot. Failing that, you could just offer to get them punch or cake, "as I notice you can't reach the table to get it yourself." :D

I shouldn't make short jokes since I don't extend far up the Y axis myself. I just get this mental image of these Lilliputians and couldn't help but chuckle. :)

Can't wait to see the dresses!

Laffalot
02-16-2011, 01:12 AM
Wow - I can believe that your mom said that; my mother & my dad did the same thing to me over & over. Not the same words but the same looks, attitude, etc. There ain't no cure for stupid! I love the idea of the ex-lax in the punch! I know you can't do it but I can let my imagination see it. I love what Nola, Lucky Mommy, & Artic Mama said. Hopefully you can that to heart. You go & have a wonderful time. You are above them all & know that we all are with you in spirit even though we can't be there. Good vibes coming your way. :)

Shytowngal
02-16-2011, 01:17 AM
Can't wait to see your dress options!

Never ever let anyone make you feel bad about your accomplishment! You worked hard, you're very healthy, hold your head up high! Any idea what types of things you think they may say that's making you nervous? Maybe we can help you with some responses that you can be prepared with just in case.

SuomiSara
02-16-2011, 02:15 AM
Ignore the lot of them, you've done so well and anyone that has the nerve to say anything bad doesnt deserve your company. Smile sweetly and walk away.

You've done a fantastic job and will look amazing, I cant wait to see your dresses! :dizzy:

My brother is getting married in August, the last sibling to do so. I know Im not going to be thin then but Im just hoping I can have enough weight loss to go down a couple of dress sizes. My goal is to be able to walk into a shop and pick myself something nice that I want to wear (rather than just fitting). I know my family are very good and will compliment any weight loss but I just want that feeling of actually knowing I look good no matter what anyone else has to say.

Eliana
02-16-2011, 08:33 AM
Can't wait to see your dress options!

Never ever let anyone make you feel bad about your accomplishment! You worked hard, you're very healthy, hold your head up high! Any idea what types of things you think they may say that's making you nervous? Maybe we can help you with some responses that you can be prepared with just in case.

The problem isn't what they say to me but what they to each other behind my back and what they say to me about others. They're not so rude as to say anything to your face. But they're horribly critical of others. Part of my problem is that I have had a lifetime of imagining the things they say about me. And generally I can talk myself down, but then my mom goes and validates my worst fears! :dizzy: It's just a bunch of mental hubba-baloo.

You guys are awesome! We can always come here for a grand pick-me-up. :D

My friend is upset with me because I'm down about this. She's frustrated to see me discouraged by my accomplishment. It isn't that I'm discouraged about where I AM...it's that I'm discouraged about where I've been. It's embarrassing to me to have ever had 100 pounds worth losing.

Celyia
02-16-2011, 09:33 AM
Can't wait to see how damn good you look. :-)

And honestly, if your relatives are going to natter on about this, they were going to find something to natter on about. Some people just aren't happy unless they're belittling someone else, especially if that person has achieved something quite amazing.

synger
02-16-2011, 10:04 AM
The more I read, the more I am convinced that anyone who ends up with 100+ pounds to lose has a physiological problem more than a mental problem. It's not that you were lazy and lacked "willpower" (whatever that is!) and CHOSE to gain weight.

Over and over again I've heard people on this board talk about how the plans that work for most people don't for them; they have to "tweak" them to see any results -- lower calories, or be more strict about limiting starches and sugars, or exercise like a fiend, or some combination of all three.

When I was officially diagnosed with pre-diabetes, it was like a light went on. I knew that I was insulin resistant already because I have PCOS. But having the blood meter really made a difference because I could SEE how what I ate affected by blood glucose... and thus affected my insulin levels and whether fat or glucose was being used for fuel. I see this as a medical issue... something I struggle with every day, and will for the rest of my life, like some of my friends struggle with arthritis, or MS, or fibromyalgia. There is NO SHAME in struggling with a disease! (If you haven't read the new book "Why We Get Fat", please do!)

Eliana, you have done AMAZINGLY well over the past year. We have been with you for your frustrations and your victories, and we'll be here when you're back from this visit. You have inspired this entire forum with your stick-to-it-for-a-whole-year plan and your this-is-forever attitude. I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to just chuck it in because I've been stuck at the same place since September after a huge 50-pound drop, but I think of you and things you've said and I stick with it another day, another week, another month. I can't tell you how much your posts have meant to me. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Sea
02-16-2011, 10:08 AM
Didn't the disney princesses always have cute little bluebirds helping them dress? We get to be the bluebirds! YOU ARE A PRINCESS !!! Hold your head high and confident in knowing you've accomplished something great for your own health and well being. You now KNOW that you can accomplish anything.

My plan when facing catty family gatherings: Stay busy when you head back home. Plan outings with old friends. (Even head out to the mall alone or hiking with anyone, even the kids in the family. But don't always let them know if you plan to be alone.) But always be busy heading somewhere with an excited smile. They don't know what to make of that.

saef
02-16-2011, 10:24 AM
Oh, Eliana, I do so relate to this. Have you ever wondered (as I have) whether, when we hit 55, we're still going to be on e-mail or on the phone with friends, relating something embarrassing that our mothers have said or done to make us feel dumb & defenseless in front of the rest of our family? I think I will. I think it may still be happening when I'm in my 60s and she's in her early 90s. There's something about my interactions with my mother & my mother's family that plunges me back to the age of 17, every time. Look, I'm a healthy, normal weight, fairly high-achieving professional woman who owns her own piece of real estate & car, has published in many places & etc. -- and yet when I am with these people, I'm this fat, bespectacled, over-sensitive adolescent.

I will bet you that there are famous hot actresses, top models, Nobel Laureates, teachers of the year, quantum physics researchers & governors of large states who absolutely dread family outings because of how some bossy aunt makes them feel diminished & awkward every time they're in her presence.

I say it's one of those occasions when you fake it until you make it. And for counting down the hours. You only have to be with them for a certain, set amount of time. (Yes, your nerves will be jangling for a few hours afterward, and parts of dialogue may repeat themselves endlessly in your head, but after a while, the trauma fades.) Wear an elegant watch so you know you'll be able to bear it. After all, you can bear giving your all during intervals at the gym, so you can bear the mental pain for short little sprints, too. And then it's over & you're sweaty & unvanquished.

You know I think you're great. All kinds of s&*%$#t has rained down on you recently, and you are still moving forward, unbowed, inspiring so many on this board. This is going to be a pain, but it isn't going to be the straw that finally breaks you.

Put on your invincible armature of a great dress & a big smile & have a great time at that wedding.

(What color dresses are you thinking of? I've got a wedding in early March & then another in mid-April. I'm thinking sleeveless for the first time in umpteen years. Yes, I'm gonna show these arms. Are you with me on this, sister? What are you planning to show?)

Eliana
02-16-2011, 10:32 AM
Synger, what you said means a lot to me! To think I could have any influence over whether or not someone sticks with this is pretty empowering and I truly appreciate it. :)

Saef, yes I have been through a lot! :dizzy: LOL! Add that to my plate, by the way. Not only am I worried about the weight issue but I get to see all these people dragging a failed marriage with me too. Yeah! I just can't wait for this wedding...........TO BE OVER.

Here's the dress I am wearing, and yes, it's sleeveless. For the first time in my life, I actually prefer sleeveless! Now, I look nothing like this lovely model, but you get the idea.

http://g.nordstromimage.com/imagegallery/store/product/Large/1/_6158161.jpg

Charms
02-16-2011, 10:34 AM
Eliana you are beautiful inside and out! Don't let the ugly people get to you. You can't change where you've been, but you HAVE changed where you are today and going forward. Focus on the good. The bad stuff is on them.

:hug::hug::hug::hug:

KatMarie
02-16-2011, 10:43 AM
Oooh, that dress it hot! I'm sure you'll rock it!

Family members are always the most critical and it does hurt when we find out they talk about us amongst each other. I walked in on a conversation where my grandma was on the phone with my mom telling her how huge my thighs were and how sorry she felt for me and she didn't know how I could even walk. I felt so betrayed. :-(

evilwomaniamshe
02-16-2011, 10:51 AM
Eliana,
You can't let the relies get to ya, just breathe & smile & it will be a-ok, take the higher road & kill em with your dazzling smile & hot & happening bod, be confident & keep that pretty lil head of yours held high. That dress is fab & that chicks got nothin on you! Pshsttt..... Nuthin' ya hear me! :) You gotta take a pic in front of your fireplace so I can see you in your beautiful dresses & I am anxious to see the one shelf wonders on display too, so I can tell you
just how great they look also! ;). Don't worry about the past, the future is more important!!!! Live for today & tomorrow & leave the bs behind! :). Focus on the next chapter in your life, the new & improved Eliana! :)

Emme
02-16-2011, 10:56 AM
I love that dress and the style. It will look amazing!

KimmyP81
02-16-2011, 10:56 AM
Try not to let them bring you down, I know its hard but you have come such a long way and everyone deserves their own happiness. Go in with you head held high and know you have accomplished something monumental and sometimes people are jealous of others reaching the goals they set up for themselves. You are gunna rock this wedding!!

saef
02-16-2011, 11:42 AM
You gotta love a well-cut, curve-hugging sheath dress. It's got the "Madmen" era silhouette, yet it's very contemporary with the criscross tie front and those overlapping scale-like pleats, which play with a mermaid metaphor. Are you getting it in that beautiful cobalt color, too?

shcirerf
02-16-2011, 11:47 AM
OOoohhh! I love that dress!

Family is, well family. I'm pretty sure we all have stupid relatives. I know I do, and I know a couple of them don't like me either, I could care less.

You never know, all those short girls, might secretly be wishing they were as tall as you or wish they had those great curly locks. I know I wish my hair was curly like yours, darn stuff is straight as a string, and stubborn as a mule.

Get your hair done, go to the wedding, strut your stuff, and have a good time.

You'll be like the tall supermodel in a roomful of short, wannabes!

VickieLou
02-16-2011, 06:57 PM
:congrat: Eliana on Losing 89 LBS! Your almost to your Goal Weight. You are only 1 LB from normal weight. You are such an Inspiration to Me! Keep Up the Great Work!

You workout at the gym so you are toned and look Fabulous from the pictures I've seen. 5'4.5 is average height. So I don't think there is anything wrong with your height. Some men don't like blondes, they like brunnettes.
So don't be so judgemental of yourself, like your family has been. I hope I haven't said anything to upset you.

Looking forward to see your outfits you pick out.

PaulaM
02-16-2011, 07:23 PM
That's a gorgeous dress. Eh, you can't choose your family, it is what it is. I'm sure they talk trash about other members, when we're fat we think it's always all about us.

Nikki6kidsmom
02-16-2011, 10:01 PM
Honestly I think they will all be shocked and jealous that you look so great. I can't wait to see the dresses. By the way I am curious why is a skirt and top out of the question? You have mentioned you were such a small skirt it could still be dressy with the right top and jewelry. You will be the talk of the wedding for sure!

Arctic Mama
02-16-2011, 10:38 PM
Oh I LOVE it! The color is perfect, and that cut will show your body off very well. Now, we need pictures of you IN it ;)

losermom
02-17-2011, 11:03 AM
Eliana, I love that dress! The color is to-die-for with your coloring. Honestly at your current weight it's going to be hard to find something that does NOT look amazing on you!

I recently was on a quest to find a dress for DD's wedding in October. I probably tried on 50+ dresses. The problem was not that they didn't look good on me. The real problem was trying to find an "appropriate" dress for the MOB, within my price range--under $50(I'm a cheapie). I found one but am going to have to do some major alterations on it because it's too big. No worries I used to be a tailor.

sept15lija
02-17-2011, 11:16 AM
Gorgeous dress!! Can't wait to see a pic of you in it! I am falling in love with dresses lately....whenever I go shopping I am on the hunt for dresses! Such fun to wear.

dukes
02-17-2011, 11:34 AM
You go girl.dont let anyone try and make you feel bad,your are doing great.keep feeling the way you ate about yourself and keep going.your awesome.

calluna
02-17-2011, 12:29 PM
Eliana, you are awesome. :hug: I can feel the anxiety from here, though! I have to confess, though, that it just might be worth the anxiety to be able to wear a dress like that one! ;)

That said, I'd be tempted to not go - idiots and mean people just don't do it for me. The only plus side would the the opportunity for truly snarky mental dialogue without guilt!

LisaF
02-17-2011, 01:48 PM
I'd practice saying, "Thank you for noticing; I thought it was time for a change, so I made one. Now tell me about YOU!" Chances are extremely good that these tiny blonde elves will be all too happy telling you all about themselves and won't put you on the spot.


Another alternative is to say thanks and then, since you're already on the topic of looks, quickly change the subject to the bride's appearance. I'm sure will you both be able to agree that she looks stunning/her dress is gorgeous/her hair is gorgeous/etc. Doing this will easily shift the attention away from you onto the happy couple - exactly where it's supposed to be!

Nikki6kidsmom
02-17-2011, 11:44 PM
Just saw the dress and it's very pretty . Good style choice and I love the color. :)