Weight Loss Support - I feel like Im in a race and taking this ALL the wrong way.
02-07-2011, 02:51 PM
Okay heres the scoop. Ive been busting my butt and lost 80+ lbs in 9 months. In my husband's family/friends group Ive always been "the fat one" (well, fattest, anyway). Now that Ive gotten to the point where Im starting to be smaller than nearly everyone they are all starting a weight loss program together. Theres been lots of Facebook talk about supporting each other and how they can all do this together!
Well, I feel like I have to beat them at it! :?: Im taking it as a "We cant let Patra get smaller than us!" campaign.... and I think Im losing my mind! I should be supportive of them all, right???
My sister in law specifically has always made it clear that Im fat. We were not buddies for a long time but recently we've become very close. She jokingly tries to add food to my plate and makes comments about how she cant eat as little as I do. (I dont eat a little, I eat a normal portion) But Ive just recently revealed to her my weight and sizes and I am 1 size smaller than her and weigh less. So now she has announced she is starting a hard core (her words) diet today.
No one has come out and said this to me. I think it may all be in my head.... :dizzy: What do you ladies think? Am I being a crazy person???!
Also, I had a bingey kind of weekend. Its my TOM and I drank this weekend so Im up a couple pounds. Now I feel like I frantically have to get these pounds + more off. Insanity!
02-07-2011, 03:02 PM
You're bringing up my secret worst thought. ;) I have two very dear friends, but our order of weight has always been the same. We've all gained and lost many times, but we always kept our order, somehow. I have always been the smallest.
Now the always-largest of us is losing too. She has lost 95 to my 85 pounds. That means she's now only 20 pounds heavier than me. We've never been that close, ever. And I'm thrilled for her!! But I'm desperate now to get to goal before she passes me. And the thought of us being the same size I find threatening. That's so horrible of me! I'll get over it, of course. ;)
I think we all end up with a natural order of things, and some of us feel oddly threatened when that order changes. It's good that your family is taking this on. Obviously you are their inspiration! Yeah you! But I understand it's weird for you too. It's too bad they didn't take this on once you were already at goal. :)
But hey...a little competition to keep you motivated is never a bad thing, right? :D
02-07-2011, 03:10 PM
They are using your weight loss and how great you look and feel as motivation to do better for themselves, a very high compliment. I definately understand the competitiveness of the situation, but try looking at it from that perspective, and a little competition never hurt anyone, turn it around and use it as your motivation to get to goal!
02-07-2011, 03:11 PM
You're both right, I DO need to see it as a compliment. And I absolutely have a way to go with weight loss still. If I can just keep my crazy lady side in check, this could be a good thing. :lol:
02-07-2011, 03:15 PM
First off, :bravo: Congratulations on losing 80 pounds!!! That's wonderful! And, it sounds like you've been able to do it with very little support from some of the people around you and I know how that feels. Thing is, this isn't a competition-it's your life-and the only competition for you should be with you yourself--can I walk farther now than before, can I do more cardio than before, did I lose more weight this week, etc. I've done my share of trying to compete with others and it's always a losing situation, but only emotionally, not weight:(
My sister and sisters-in-law have always been thin, beautiful, and adored, and I'm just....well... not. But, they are ALWAYS trying to 'diet' and one of my sisters-in-law and my mother-in-law will try to make it into a competition. You know what I mean--"M has been doing sooooo good and has lost x pounds!! How are YOU doing? Maybe you should talk to M and SHE could help you if you're struggling.":p gag, gag, gag
If I try to compete with others, whether they need to lose the 100 I need to lose or just the 5 my sister says she needs to lose, I will end up miserable, and on a binge. It's just me and me alone in my quest to get healthy and I have to ignore much of what my family tells me. My support comes from 3FC and there's no competition for me here-just love and people who are in the same boat I'm in.
Don't know if any of what I've said makes sense-hope so. Maybe as they work along their own paths of weight loss, they'll ask YOU for advice based on your success, but if they don't, who cares, because it's all about you and your health and happiness, which has to come from within:hug:
Keep up the great work!!!
02-07-2011, 03:31 PM
I have family like that too it like a secret competition. I learn not to wirry about them do thibgs for yourself at the end they dont pay ur bills be proyd ur settin an domino effect. Lol now they have to loose
02-07-2011, 03:36 PM
I totally get where you are coming from, but it's also something you just need to deal with in your head. We are a competitive species, so it makes sense.
I know I would LOVE, LOVE if I would be at my lowest and my mother in law near her highest. I would LOVE if I wore a smaller size than she... but it probably will never happen and what does it prove? She has one of those finer frames. I do not. She's 75. I'm 41...
Now, if EVER I get to be under my husband's weight. Man, there will be dancing in the street BY ME. His frame isn't very big either and he's 6'1". He felt best at 155 and he would love to be at 165. He's currently 190 and would like to be at 175 - both of us have the same goal. Wouldn't wearing one of his pair of jeans feel great???? But he's over 6" taller than me! Argh!!!!
So, we always play these mind games. If it motivates you (and you keep it healthy), then great. If not, get over it and take it as a compliment to you.
02-07-2011, 03:45 PM
I think you didn't realize that once they saw that you were serious they began to feel threatened by you. I used to be really competitive but it was messing with my head so I had to disconnect that switch period. Now, that I don't get caught up in all that I can see a lot of it more for what it is.
We are all insecure about something. For those of us who want to fit the ideal body type of our culture we really have our work cut out for us. That is why I am using the health standards to set my goals....having said that when I see Regis n Kelly, I do secretly wish I could end up as skinny as she is.
It's a merry go round......
If I were you I would 1) take it as a compliment and 2) stop sharing my numbers. I doubt a competitive feeling will spur them to long-term weight loss like you've been doing so probably if you just wait a few weeks and keep quiet they'll either give up or get really serious about it, in which case you can all be supportive of one another.
02-07-2011, 04:19 PM
Sounds like they are jealous! Especially the sister in law. I think you have every right to feel upset about the "campaign". I know I would. Sometimes families are the worst at making us feel bad.
Look at what you have accomplished already. THAT is what is important. You didn't do this for them, you did it for you. Obviously what you are doing is working. Don't feel the need to try harder now just because they are jumping on the band wagon.
02-07-2011, 04:26 PM
My cousin saw my success on Atkins, and she started doing it recently too. I don't think she's doing it by the book, she just cut out carbs and it eating until satisfied and I don't know if she's weighing herself. I think she was getting close to 400lbs so it's probably working for her just because she has so much to lose.
It's definitely a compliment that she decided to start my same WOE because of the success I've had, but I'm afraid that if she sticks with it (which will be wonderful for her) then it'll take away from my success at family get togethers :lol:. It's so selfish and awful, I know! I think it's just human nature.
Perhaps this can all be turned into a change for the better in your relationship with your sister in law. I know, I know. But wouldn't it be better to get her supportive of you for a change? Consider going to HER to suggest, "Let's organize a spa day to reward us all for all the hard work on improving our health. Everyone is really doing so well." Even if she takes full credit, it may distract her from putting you down. Just smile and thank her, glad she's occupied and less in your face.
02-07-2011, 05:45 PM
How on earth can your sister in law call you fat if now she's "fatter" than you? So she easily weighs over 220 and so that means she wasn't exactly slim either! Unless she is over 6 feet tall! lol.
Weight loss is about YOU- you have done amazing and keep it up! :) I'd just be flattered they are so impressed with you they want to be healthy too :)
02-08-2011, 12:03 PM
I think it's natural to have a mental "measure" of yourself against other people you see regularly -- I'm heavier than that person, I'm smaller than that one. Change in that order can be.. well yes it can be threatening, I guess, but I think it's more uncomfortable at first. If someone in your circle loses weight, it brings into sharp relief your own discomfort with your weight.
I know that's happened with my husband. I don't preach; I don't force him to eat my diet; I don't even talk about it that much. But he can see that I'm losing. He can put his arms around me more. And that just makes him more aware of his own hatred of how heavy he's become over the years.
So he's cut out sugared soda, and candy, and ice cream... and he's lost weight! I'm not threatened by his loss, and I don't think he's threatened by mine... I just think my loss made his heaviness more apparent to him.
02-08-2011, 04:12 PM
you just keep at it jonesie, sounds like she just wants to show you up. but it is a compliment to you without them realizing it lol..
there is an order of things in life, like someone else was saying, i was the smaller friend, but my friend had lap band, and has lost near 100 pounds, right now i am 7 pounds heavier than her, and i wont let her beat me, surgery or not...because my healthy eating will out do her band that she is abusing and eating way too much and very unhealthy things, it is very frustrating because i am so short and she is very tall, so i probably look like a blob next to her..okay went off topic..
just keep losing girl, and kill them with kindness, she is probably expecting negative words or something from you, so....just offer her encouragement
and now that you have been at it for 9 months, im sure a little competition will be good to fuel your fire :)
02-08-2011, 04:54 PM
My SIL put her health back on the front burner and she's done great! I'm glad for her. I wasn't quite ready to do it then but I am now. But there's no competition or sharing or support.
I prefer all that from here, not IRL. I do not LIKE competition about weight loss. I'm in it for the health, and it doesn't help my mental health to get all... gung ho in a group like that. It makes for awkward family gatherings and really, I don't need or want to blab my medical file around the dinner table. It's my biz.
I would probably go "How great! I'm glad for you."
And then I'd quietly keep doing my own thing. And hide the Facebook crap if it was starting to get all crazy.
I need my mental health as even keel as my physical health. Part of my thing is reducing my stress so I'm not up for adding stress making crazy to my program! :)
02-08-2011, 07:59 PM
I can relate because I feel competitive with one of my coworkers in regards to weight loss. She lost a lot more weight than I did and in a shorter time. While it took me more than five years to lose 32 pounds, she dropped sixty five pounds in a little over eight months. Now she's barely twenty pounds heavier than I am and I am worried than in a month or two she will catch up and pass me. In fact this is very likely to happen since she's about the same height as me but with a smaller frame.
I keep telling myself we're all different and I shouldn't feel this way but I do and mentally beating myself up over having these feelings isn't going to make them go away.
Hmm.. I think I would look at that in a much different light. If the people around me used my weight loss as a motivation to improve their own lifestyles, I'd be thrilled that something positive I've done could affect other people in that way... could move them to want to do something positive for themselves, too. No matter what kind of thoughts really spurred their actions, I'd take it as a great compliment for my success to inspire other people in that way.
02-08-2011, 08:33 PM
I know exactly how you feel Jonesie. I lost some weight and was running, and then suddenly my boyfriend started watching what he ate and running too. He looks better now than before but I just felt like he was invading on my turf (dumb logic on my part, as I am not the ONLY PERSON ON EARTH allowed to lose weight) and it felt threatening.
02-09-2011, 01:08 AM
There is definitely an "order of things and people" within families. When you step outside those boundaries, things can get very weird.
My aunt has been very heavy most of her life. She had Gastric Bypass in her early 50s. She lost a ton of weight and looks terrific. She really needed the surgery. She has had to have numerous surgeries on her legs, ankles and feet due to the extra weight she carried all those years. I was thrilled for her. She is a super nice person to everyone. I heard some of my other "catty", skinny aunts whispering about her at the last family reunion and it really made my blood boil. They were saying how they knew she would gain it all back and how she has no willpower, yada, yada, yada. Meanwhile, these skinny brats were eating 2 and 3 pieces of cake right in front of her. About 3 times a year they all start a challenge to lose a few pounds. They get very competitive and someone always ends up getting in a tiff over it. I wouldn't join one if they paid me.
Yep, I got off track there too. I guess I'm just offering support in the "families are weird" category. :D
Hugs :hug: to you! You're doing great!