Weight Loss Support - How my weight affects my husband




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berryblondeboys
02-02-2011, 12:48 PM
First, let me say, I love my husband and I know he loves me. I was overweight when we married, but ballooned upwards afterwards. I know when we first got married he said he would like it better if I were ten or twenty pounds lighter, but he would still find me attractive it was I ten pounds more too. Well, I put on a LOT more than that.

It bothers him on so many levels, but mainly I think it worries him as he wants a life long partner and if I am heavy, how healthy will I continue to be? And then this recent bout of health problems? It scared us both. But also, he wants to be attracted to his spouse. And well, really, who is attracted to a big blob of blubber?

He doesn't say anything hurtful. And he knows I'll never be a petite thing. Doctors say my ideal weight is between 155-165 and he's aware of that. he even said my aging is no big deal because we all age - it's the lack of fitness and the weight. They are unhealthy and unattractive.

But it's what he doesn't say. He hasn't said I'm beautiful in years. I think 'maybe' I've heard it once in 7 or 8 years. I can tell, when he looks at me, I can see the disapproving look in his eye, or more, the disappointed look. And while he's been hopeful with my couple weight loss attempts in the past, he's barely showing anything for support this time. I think he's afraid to be hopeful.

But I need his support. I know it's there, but my lack of success has hurt him too and I realize that. He has no control over what I eat or how I live my life and it's probably super frustrating to him, but I need more.

I need him to be more excited for me when I lose a pound. Or to praise me for exercising every day. It HELPS me to have him believe in me and to be a cheerleader. It makes me sad that I'm getting a sense that he doesn't quite believe this will last.

The only thing he has said, period, was berating me for eating a slice of bacon. He said, "if you're trying to make a life change, then bacon isn't a good choice. You get nothing positive from it." Because see, he's a guy who can go his entire life without ever making a bad choice on foods. maybe an occasional sweet if it's there, but he would never go out of his way to find one or get one. I'm just not like that and never will be. I will want an occasional piece of bacon, or an ocassional chip (salty foods are my bane). That desire of his to make me want to eat ONLY healthy foods is what led to my sneaking foods 13 years ago. (and led to my first weight loss demise). Telling me "I shoudln't eat something" is not supportive. It's berating me.

I wish I could write out a formula - this is how I need your support. Do not comment on the foods I eat. Praise me for the effort I'm putting in with exercise and on my weight loss. Tell me I'm looking better. Notice small details. Don't say something like last week, "It's only been 3 weeks. How can you expect to see any difference yet?" This is not helpful...

or maybe that is what I "DO" need to do? Give him written instructions? Or have a nice talk? Where hopefully I don't break down in tears. His support is so unbelievably important to me.


AZ Sunrises
02-02-2011, 12:57 PM
He doesn't want to be too hopeful because you'll play mindgames with yourself about why he was hopeful that you'd lose weight. "He was excited about it...he must hate the way I look now" or "He was excited about it...and he'll never be happy with the way I look".

He said what he did about the bacon because he was trying to be helpful and supportive. They're obtuse, boneheaded, and insensitive...but he was offering genuine input and support. :) You said he doesn't make poor food choices. He tried to offer dietary input, and you got upset with him.

Man logic says that if you got annoyed about food suggestions, you're going to get upset about ANYTHING else he says on the subject. ;) They're really good at not saying anything when they've realized that everything they say is wrong.

berryblondeboys
02-02-2011, 01:06 PM
He said what he did about the bacon because he was trying to be helpful and supportive. They're obtuse, boneheaded, and insensitive...but he was offering genuine input and support. :) You said he doesn't make poor food choices. He tried to offer dietary input, and you got upset with him.

Man logic says that if you got annoyed about food suggestions, you're going to get upset about ANYTHING else he says on the subject. ;) They're really good at not saying anything when they've realized that everything they say is wrong.

I suppose this is true, but man... after 18 years together, you would think he would have learned what I NEED for support. Maybe it's that "I need to fix it" mentality.

And he was trying to be helpful, but it wasn't. reality is ONE piece of bacon, dried in a paper towel and crumpled into my eggs with veggies is not somethign worth commenting on.

he doesn't complain when I go to exercise and he did willingly watch over teh baking bread the other day when I was still exercising, so I know he's trying to work with me, but WORDS... What is it with him and lack of WORDS for re-affirmations? He doesn't say "I love you" any more either. He says I should know that he loves me by his actions... UGH!!!!

Maybe I'll make it a game. After I tell him I just walked 5 miles and he says nothing, I should say, "Now is the time you should say, "that's great! You're really buidling up in miles!"

there are times I think being a lesbian would be better. A "girl" would know to comment.


Shmead
02-02-2011, 01:11 PM
Your husband is a wise man. You've gotta find a way to do this without him. Dependence is way, way more unattractive than fat.

See, what you are accidentally doing is trying to make your weight his responsibility. That way, if you fail, it's also his fault, so he can't blame you. But it just doesn't work that. Eating is the one thing that is really only under our own control. Two year olds get this and refuse to eat to show their independence. Eating disorders are rooted in control issues.

You can ask him for practical help: take over the grocery shopping or cooking, watch the kids when you exercise, not keep brownies in the house--but he can't be emotional support. That's gotta come from within.

berryblondeboys
02-02-2011, 01:16 PM
No, I don't believe that.

We are partners in this. It doesn't make me dependent emotionally. We've been together 18 years. We help each other because we WANT to, not because we NEED to.

mandalinn82
02-02-2011, 01:18 PM
there are times I think being a lesbian would be better. A "girl" would know to comment.

You'd be surprised.

What works for my wife and I is me telling her EXPLICITLY what I need. If I have an expectation of what she'll give me, and I don't tell her what it is, I'm setting her up to fail me. This happens a lot with cleaning in our relationship. If I work hard to get our house in good shape, I want praise for it. But I basically have to tell her that I want praise, or she doesn't know I want it. So I have no qualms about saying:

"Hey, check out the mail pile! It's all filed! Praise me!"

or

"Did you notice how clean the shower is?"

And sometimes, she makes the equivalent of the bacon comment...when I've worked really hard all day to clean, and she walks in and points out "I guess you didn't get to weeding/folding laundry/etc". At which point I also have no qualms about saying "When I worked really hard at this, it bothers me when you come in immediately with criticism". A few repetitions of that, and she's learned not to do it anymore.

Girls don't magically know what another person needs more than a guy would. If you express your expectations in a clear way, they're MUCH more likely to be met.

Ruthxxx
02-02-2011, 01:18 PM
Totally agree with Shmead. Losing the weight is your responsibility. You are lucky he is giving you support. Time to put on the Big Girl Panties.

stasiagurl91
02-02-2011, 01:23 PM
Maybe he doesn't know how to support you. Like how some people say negative things and we take it to heart because it's someone we love, but they intention is to support. Of course that's not the support you or anyone needs. He needs to know and understand that. If I were to guess, what he wants from you is confidence. As you lose weight, you will become more confident and confidence is what attracts people. Have a heart to heart with him and let him know all that you are feeling.

berryblondeboys
02-02-2011, 01:24 PM
You guys are telling me, it would not bother you to have your husband say NOTHING? Not a word about your fitness or weight loss, except for a criticism for not doing it perfectly? COME ON!!!!

lucysam77
02-02-2011, 01:26 PM
berry: i know you love him and he loves you back.... but losing weight is something you have to do by yourself. When i started my husband asked me: How can i help you???? and I told him... nothing just don't bring me junk food (he used to do it) and tell me everyday how much you love me, that all what i need.....

berryblondeboys
02-02-2011, 01:26 PM
You'd be surprised.

What works for my wife and I is me telling her EXPLICITLY what I need. If I have an expectation of what she'll give me, and I don't tell her what it is, I'm setting her up to fail me.

OK, you got me laughing. That's what I need to. WHen my husband cleans something, he brings me in to have me praise him. We desire that acknowledgment.

My mother in law, who lives with us does what you said about finding a criticism. "Oh, I see you missed this spot." Makes me want to strangle her! LOL

sacha
02-02-2011, 01:27 PM
I wish I could write out a formula - this is how I need your support. Do not comment on the foods I eat. Praise me for the effort I'm putting in with exercise and on my weight loss. Tell me I'm looking better. Notice small details. Don't say something like last week, "It's only been 3 weeks. How can you expect to see any difference yet?" This is not helpful...

or maybe that is what I "DO" need to do? Give him written instructions? Or have a nice talk? Where hopefully I don't break down in tears. His support is so unbelievably important to me.

Men are visual and logical.

Write out this list and put it on the fridge. Tell him this is what you need. One of a man's biggest pet peeves is being expected to know how to support their woman emotionally, when let's face it, they don't understand what that actually means to you.

So spell it out - literally!! :)

berryblondeboys
02-02-2011, 01:28 PM
berry: i know you love him and he loves you back.... but losing weight is something you have to do by yourself. When i started my husband asked me: How can i help you???? and I told him... nothing just don't bring me junk food (he used to do it) and tell me everyday how much you love me, that all what i need.....

But see he asked, didn't just ignore the big elephant in the room. And he says he loves you. Mine doesn't. I know he does, but for some reason he just doesn't say it. When we've talked about it, he doesn't know why and he doesn't realize he never says it, but when he used to say it EVERY DAY and then stops? You notice.

kittycarlson
02-02-2011, 01:31 PM
I'm not sure if where you what were you said he can go his whole life without making a bad food choice? That he isn't interested in food or he is has a lot of self-control?

I think from what you described that he is trying to be supportive. I know we can be so obsessed with what we eat that we sometimes over react when others comment on what we are eating. I'm eating low-carb low-sugar and my mother thinks fruits are necessary in a healthy diet. I don't comment when she says something and she doesn't say much anymore.

I know myself that it's hard for me with my history to really believe that this is the time of all times and I will make it. I don't have any cheerleaders but that is OK. I guess the closest thing is my mom who annoys me with questions about whether I am still losing. But that's OK too because this is my journey. It's totally up to me whether I succeed or I fail.

My husband doesn't compliment me either. He does support me by not complaining about some of his favorite salty snacks not coming into the house anymore. He doesn't push me to eat things I shouldn't and eats what I serve him without complaint. I know he doesn't like eggs but they have become an intregal part of my plan so he sucks it up and eats them without complaining. He doesn't have a cheerleading bone in his body but I feel he is supporting me by not complaining about the changes he has had to to make due to my choices.

berryblondeboys
02-02-2011, 01:32 PM
Men are visual and logical.

Write out this list and put it on the fridge. Tell him this is what you need. One of a man's biggest pet peeves is being expected to know how to support their woman emotionally, when let's face it, they don't understand what that actually means to you.

So spell it out - literally!! :)

I will talk with him about it. I know I've motivated him to exercise too and he's never been mum before. But it's been years since I tried to lose weight intentional. 1997 and 1999 I think. LONG time.

berryblondeboys
02-02-2011, 01:38 PM
I'm not sure if where you what were you said he can go his whole life without making a bad food choice? That he isn't interested in food or he is has a lot of self-control?

I think from what you described that he is trying to be supportive. I know we can be so obsessed with what we eat that we sometimes over react when others comment on what we are eating.

I don't even know if he has a lot of self control or if he really doesn't have a desire for 'bad' foods. He is mostly drawn to healthy foods. Though, sweet foods he can't resist if they are there.

And our foods haven't changed. We ate a realllllly healthy diet, just I ate too much of it. Now, I make the meal, skip the potato or rice or bread and eat teh meat or beans and vegetables.

He's just a realllllllly honest person and he won't say something unless he reallllly means it. So, he won't say "I look nice" unless he means it 100%. He won't say, "you look thinner" unless I really do. This I know.

I guess I'm expecting too much. I'm SO excited about this journey. I feel so hopeful because all the building blocks are in place - I already have a healthy diet in place, I don't have a lot of the life stressors that made it difficult before and I am SLEEPING for the first time in ages. I'm not worried about failing, because I know I can do it. I guess I want him to be excited for me too?

Shmead
02-02-2011, 01:39 PM
You guys are telling me, it would not bother you to have your husband say NOTHING? Not a word about your fitness or weight loss, except for a criticism for not doing it perfectly? COME ON!!!!

He has said very little about the process. I know he admires me, but he admires me anyway. He wouldn't be any more proud of me if I cured cancer, because he already assumes I could if I put my mind to it.

Look at it this way: you can't change him. So either you find a way to do this on your own, or you stay fat. This board is full of people who can help you find ways to do things on your own, and I really, really hope you will work on solving the problem you can (and you really, really can--significant weight loss IS possible!) and not wasting energy wishing he were different.

luciddepths
02-02-2011, 01:41 PM
Couldn't agree more with the ladies! Who posted previously.

As much as you need his support, you need to buck up and take the bull by the horns and get to It with or without his comments or you need to tell him EXACTLY what you want/need him to say. Being together that long doesnt make him a mind reader! "Man logic" is a prefect way to describe how alot of guys think!

berryblondeboys
02-02-2011, 01:49 PM
I think some of you are thinking I need his support for losing weight. I don't. I'm excited, I am motivated and well, I want him to be excited too!

I 'KNOW' I can do this this time. All teh garbage that made it hard before, is gone now and I want to share that excitement.

Does that make sens? I don't need his cheers to get me to be more motivated, but it would feel nice to share my excitement.

Nola Celeste
02-02-2011, 01:56 PM
You need to tell him some of the stuff you've posted.

I used to have a big bad hang-up about things like this. "I shouldn't HAVE to ask you to pay me compliments or offer some support! They don't mean anything if I have to ask!" I figured. I was wrong about that; praise still matters even when I ask for it, and sometimes I do. (I totally do that "Hey, look at how clean the kitchen floor is--praise me for it!" thing, too. It really works!)

How much of this is perception and how much is what he's really doing, too? Is he really giving you disapproving stares and making lugubrious faces whenever he sees you or are you perceiving those expressions on his face because you're searching for them? Pretty sure most of us have had the experience of catching a partner with what we see as a sour expression on his or her face and saying, "Oh, what was THAT look for!?" only to find that it wasn't a "look" at all.

You need to let him know that you notice the lack of praise and "I love you"s. You also need to be prepared for things not to change much; some people just don't express things with words. Period.

Losing weight is an almost entirely solitary endeavor. Encouragement is wonderful when it happens, but you don't dare need it. If you do, what happens when it's no longer there? What do you do when people stop telling you how great you're doing on your plan? What do you do when you realize (as I do sometimes) that you've lost a good bit of weight, but still have a long row to hoe?

The more ways you can find to support yourself emotionally, the better off you'll be. I'd still have a good long talk with him or write him a letter, though; lack of diet support is one thing, but a complete lack of compliments or words of endearment is more concerning than a weight issue.

Rana
02-02-2011, 01:59 PM
I agree with Shmead 100%.

My boyfriend tried to give me support at the start and it didn't work well for us. We finally had to agree never to discuss weight or nutrition or any of those issues again.

Then later, when I finally ready to do this on my own, I started doing it. He gave "helpful" advice that went against everything I was doing. But I ignored it. I know he meant well.

I'm also in the camp that this is a journey that only YOU can do. No one else can make you feel good or bad about yourself unless you let them. This is about your relationship to your body, your food plan, and your health.

Talk to him if you want. But I suspect that he is not going to be very supportive because you've shown him in the past that the weight loss doesn't last. Until this becomes a life changing event for you, it may be hard to convince him otherwise. My boyfriend also thought this last attempt was just a temporary blip. It was only when he saw it lasted a long time that he finally accepted this was not just another failed attempt.

I won't lie to you. Men are visual creatures. My boyfriend would compliment me less and less as I got heavier. He still loved me, but he wasn't going to say something that wasn't true either.

As I've lose the weight and regained my shape, the compliments are thrown at me left and right. I could wear a burlap sack and he would think it looks great on me.

As you lose the weight, you'll notice the compliments get better.

But look, this is a change for the rest of your life. It has to be a fundamental change in your perception of your relationship to food/health.

berryblondeboys
02-02-2011, 02:04 PM
You need to tell him some of the stuff you've posted.

I used to have a big bad hang-up about things like this. "I shouldn't HAVE to ask you to pay me compliments or offer some support! They don't mean anything if I have to ask!" I figured. I was wrong about that; praise still matters even when I ask for it, and sometimes I do. (I totally do that "Hey, look at how clean the kitchen floor is--praise me for it!" thing, too. It really works!)

How much of this is perception and how much is what he's really doing, too? Is he really giving you disapproving stares and making lugubrious faces whenever he sees you or are you perceiving those expressions on his face because you're searching for them? Pretty sure most of us have had the experience of catching a partner with what we see as a sour expression on his or her face and saying, "Oh, what was THAT look for!?" only to find that it wasn't a "look" at all.

You need to let him know that you notice the lack of praise and "I love you"s. You also need to be prepared for things not to change much; some people just don't express things with words. Period.

Losing weight is an almost entirely solitary endeavor. Encouragement is wonderful when it happens, but you don't dare need it. If you do, what happens when it's no longer there? What do you do when people stop telling you how great you're doing on your plan? What do you do when you realize (as I do sometimes) that you've lost a good bit of weight, but still have a long row to hoe?

The more ways you can find to support yourself emotionally, the better off you'll be. I'd still have a good long talk with him or write him a letter, though; lack of diet support is one thing, but a complete lack of compliments or words of endearment is more concerning than a weight issue.

Thank you. it is so true. Weight loss is a COMPLETE solitary venture and I'm up for it. I think I've been building up for it for years. First with getting rid of emotional eating. Then, better habits about food. Then I lost those ten pounds (with exercise) and kept them off. Then I lost another ten pounds (with working on projects around the house) and kept them off. My confidence was rebuilt. I finally felt I could DO THIS. My husband could have begged me before, and I wouldn't be able to do it. You have to be in a right frame of mind... a perfect point in your life. It's so true. Hard to explain this to someone who has never gone through it, but it's true.

And I just need to tell him. We've had so little time to talk, that it's crept up to 'bothering me' stage. It's hard when your teen is always awake, you live with your mother in law, and I'm always asleep by the time he comes to bed.

I know he is 'trying' to show support. I just need to guide him how to be more support and yes, that means TELLING HIM.

Nebuchadnezzar
02-02-2011, 02:07 PM
May I be the devil's advocate here and make a slightly different reply than all others?

I would jump down my husbands throat and either make it clear he needs to support me or keep his trap shut. Blithe criticism is not support in my eyes and I feel like the bacon comment was a dose of snide passive aggression. Not that this makes him a bad person, but I would have stopped right there and said "Oh, are you on board now? If not, keep it to yourself."

But that's just me. I have a big issue with people that seem to want nothing to do with your journey of self improvement no matter what it might be but are A-okay with being a backseat driver/sports commentator.

Ticks me right off. My vote: If he's gonna have you go it alone, fine. If not? He needs to do more than patronize you. Pronto.

JohnP
02-02-2011, 02:11 PM
As a man I can tell you that we are very simple. If you are expecting us to somehow know what you're thinking and what you want you can forget it because for the vast majority of us empathy is not a trait we posess.

On the other hand we are very good at following instructions. Tell us exactly what you want us to do.

AZ Sunrises
02-02-2011, 02:14 PM
I suppose this is true, but man... after 18 years together, you would think he would have learned what I NEED for support. Maybe it's that "I need to fix it" mentality.

And he was trying to be helpful, but it wasn't. reality is ONE piece of bacon, dried in a paper towel and crumpled into my eggs with veggies is not somethign worth commenting on.

he doesn't complain when I go to exercise and he did willingly watch over teh baking bread the other day when I was still exercising, so I know he's trying to work with me, but WORDS... What is it with him and lack of WORDS for re-affirmations? He doesn't say "I love you" any more either. He says I should know that he loves me by his actions... UGH!!!!

Maybe I'll make it a game. After I tell him I just walked 5 miles and he says nothing, I should say, "Now is the time you should say, "that's great! You're really buidling up in miles!"

there are times I think being a lesbian would be better. A "girl" would know to comment.

:hug: Listen to what his actions say. They say more than words ever will.

sept15lija
02-02-2011, 02:34 PM
I think your partner should support you. However, perhaps he hasn't honestly noticed a difference yet visually (since men are so visual)? I know for my DH, it took at least 50 pounds for him to say anything about the difference without prompting (and yes, I would prompt for compliments!!). Now, he sometimes looks at me and says he can't quite believe it's me. I really enjoy that, but it took time. He never said anything about my healthy food choices - but now that he's seeing a difference, he talks about it more.

Linsy
02-02-2011, 03:02 PM
I only skimmed the thread so I'm sorry if I'm repeating what has already been said.

Once he sees you visibly slimming down, looking happier, and making an effort to change your eating habits I have a feeling he will get a lot more supportive. Explain to him that having 1 piece of bacon is okay as long as you count it in your calories/carbs/points/whatever plan you're doing.

berryblondeboys
02-02-2011, 03:03 PM
May I be the devil's advocate here and make a slightly different reply than all others?

I would jump down my husbands throat and either make it clear he needs to support me or keep his trap shut. Blithe criticism is not support in my eyes and I feel like the bacon comment was a dose of snide passive aggression. Not that this makes him a bad person, but I would have stopped right there and said "Oh, are you on board now? If not, keep it to yourself."

But that's just me. I have a big issue with people that seem to want nothing to do with your journey of self improvement no matter what it might be but are A-okay with being a backseat driver/sports commentator.

Ticks me right off. My vote: If he's gonna have you go it alone, fine. If not? He needs to do more than patronize you. Pronto.


This made me laugh. I guess that's how I took it too. And he does a LOT of backseat driving, and it DOES drive me nuts. I take care of everythign with the kids and house. He'll just comment, "why haven't you done, X". or the WORST, when I'm working in the kitchen - the only one who cooks in it and the only one who cleans it and he'll say something like, "Why do you put the apple core in the sink and not directly in the trash when you're cutting up the apple?" MAN does that bug me. I'M the one who cleans it all up, so why the comment? he basically stands by and watches and only comments to correct things (like his mother, now that I think about it).

So, it was hurtful, and berating... but I know he didn't MEAN it that way. he was trying to help. I know that, but that's that stuff that hurts me personally, more than helps me. If you don't help a person they way they need it, then it's not help/support.

berryblondeboys
02-02-2011, 03:05 PM
As a man I can tell you that we are very simple. If you are expecting us to somehow know what you're thinking and what you want you can forget it because for the vast majority of us empathy is not a trait we posess.

On the other hand we are very good at following instructions. Tell us exactly what you want us to do.

True enough... My husband is a wonderful man and a wonderful father and I realllllly love him to pieces. Sometimes we just don't get the time to talk.

berryblondeboys
02-02-2011, 03:07 PM
I think your partner should support you. However, perhaps he hasn't honestly noticed a difference yet visually (since men are so visual)? I know for my DH, it took at least 50 pounds for him to say anything about the difference without prompting (and yes, I would prompt for compliments!!). Now, he sometimes looks at me and says he can't quite believe it's me. I really enjoy that, but it took time. He never said anything about my healthy food choices - but now that he's seeing a difference, he talks about it more.

Well, I can't see a difference visually either - it's only 1 month and 7 pounds.

And it took your husband FIFTY Pounds to notice? LOL But see, you were good enough to prompt him. I need to do that.

berryblondeboys
02-02-2011, 03:09 PM
I only skimmed the thread so I'm sorry if I'm repeating what has already been said.

Once he sees you visibly slimming down, looking happier, and making an effort to change your eating habits I have a feeling he will get a lot more supportive. Explain to him that having 1 piece of bacon is okay as long as you count it in your calories/carbs/points/whatever plan you're doing.


He does notice I'm happier, but that has more to do with not having headaches every day any more. I know he'll come around.But with silence, you don't know what's going on... is he worried? is he just not really taking notice? Lack of communication is never good. he is trying to help me with fitting in exercise, so that is support. The rest will come.

sept15lija
02-02-2011, 03:10 PM
Well, I can't see a difference visually either - it's only 1 month and 7 pounds.

And it took your husband FIFTY Pounds to notice? LOL But see, you were good enough to prompt him. I need to do that.

Yes, it did!! :) And my husband is generally a very kind individual who is loving in most every way, but he did not notice (he knew I was losing weight, but wasn't like "gee, you can really see it!!". And to be fair, neither did I notice really....you know when you're bigger, it takes a lot more weight loss to really see it. And friends of mine, who in this instance are women, started noticing around 40 pounds.

berryblondeboys
02-02-2011, 03:11 PM
:hug: Listen to what his actions say. They say more than words ever will.


It is true... I would much rather have actions showing love than empty words. But words that mean it WITH actions would be a big plus! :p

Nola Celeste
02-02-2011, 03:21 PM
It only took my husband a few pounds to notice--but that's because after I lost my first inch off my waist, I ran out of the bathroom topless yelling, "Look at meeee!," grabbed his hands, and put them on my waist. I wasn't going to let him NOT notice that inch. :D

My husband used to do that little "Why don't you...?" thing too. If your husband likes to stand around and play the "Why are you doing that?" game, start answering him. "Why do you put the apple core in the sink?" "Because it makes you wonder." "Why do you iron your blouse that way?" "Because that's how my Armenian love-puppet likes me to wear it." "Why haven't you done the laundry?" "Because you're so cute when you fret." "Why don't you remove the wrapper the right way?" "Because it is insufficiently challenging for a person of my burgeoning intellect."

After hearing responses like, "If I told you why, I'd have to kill you, mwa hah hah" and "Just to turn your hair gray" enough, my husband stopped with the "why aren't you doing things MY way?" questions. ;)

berryblondeboys
02-02-2011, 03:26 PM
It only took my husband a few pounds to notice--but that's because after I lost my first inch off my waist, I ran out of the bathroom topless yelling, "Look at meeee!," grabbed his hands, and put them on my waist. I wasn't going to let him NOT notice that inch. :D

My husband used to do that little "Why don't you...?" thing too. If your husband likes to stand around and play the "Why are you doing that?" game, start answering him. "Why do you put the apple core in the sink?" "Because it makes you wonder." "Why do you iron your blouse that way?" "Because that's how my Armenian love-puppet likes me to wear it." "Why haven't you done the laundry?" "Because you're so cute when you fret." "Why don't you remove the wrapper the right way?" "Because it is insufficiently challenging for a person of my burgeoning intellect."

After hearing responses like, "If I told you why, I'd have to kill you, mwa hah hah" and "Just to turn your hair gray" enough, my husband stopped with the "why aren't you doing things MY way?" questions. ;)

That is hilarious and I'm going to start doing that! I know he's not meaning to be an arse when doing it, but man, he sure is!

Sindaena
02-02-2011, 03:39 PM
You guys are telling me, it would not bother you to have your husband say NOTHING? Not a word about your fitness or weight loss, except for a criticism for not doing it perfectly? COME ON!!!!

Well, this is true for me. I have been married for seventeen years... my husband says nothing, not one word, about what I eat, weigh or do (or don't do) for exercise. He says nothing when I am gaining, and nothing when I announce out of the blue that I am going to bed early because I have a date at the gym at 5AM the next day. If he cooks, he asks me if I want some rather than just serving me along with the kids. This started after I freaked out on him once years ago for bringing me two fried eggs, hashbrowns and sausage. I shouldn't have freaked out since he was trying to be nice by cooking for me, and I have learned to keep my food issues to myself since, but he has also learned to just ask before preparing me food. When he wants to do something special like cook me a nice dinner on our anniversary he'll make sure it's low cal if he knows I am trying to lose weight. In essence he respects whatever I am doing as my choice and tries not to interfere. I used to wish he was more verbally supportive, but I think now that he is right to just stay out of it. Respecting my stated plans with respect to food and exercise is support. Fact is, anything said in an attempt to be supportive can easily be taken wrong.

shannonmb
02-02-2011, 03:47 PM
I guess I'm expecting too much. I'm SO excited about this journey. I feel so hopeful because all the building blocks are in place - I already have a healthy diet in place, I don't have a lot of the life stressors that made it difficult before and I am SLEEPING for the first time in ages. I'm not worried about failing, because I know I can do it. I guess I want him to be excited for me too?

Can I ask why you are sleeping now? I ask because getting my sleep fixed has been THE factor in my weight loss and why I KNOW I can do this for good this time. Thing is, my hubs has known me from 150 to 350 lbs and every weight in between. He mostly keeps to himself on the matter, and it's just now that I've really started to show a great loss and he sees me making good choices consistently over time and exercising regularly that he has started being my biggest cheerleader.

I have no doubt that my husband has loved me through all of this, but I also imagine he has had to emotionally detach himself from MY weight. Of course it would be sunshine and lollipops to think that he has loved me exactly the same way through it all and that he is perfectly happy either way at 200 lbs heavier or lighter, but the truth is I didn't love my self so much a lot of the time, so how could he really? I give him credit for doing the best he could when I was really in the throes of my sleep apnea, basically a blob on the couch eating like there was no tomorrow. How long has it taken for him to really start to believe, see that light back in my eye, and really get on board with the new lifestyle I have envisioned for us? About 8 months and 82 lbs. I honestly think it was too painful for him to get his hopes up before, as not one teeny tiny bit of it was in his control.

My mind is wandering, but I hope it helps. Live the way you want to live, and he'll get there!

rachael
02-02-2011, 04:02 PM
You said several times that your husband doesn't say he loves you. Do you tell him you love him? If so, does he not reciprocate? Does he just say "thanks" or nothing? Or are you not saying it, either, to see how long it takes him to say it first? Because that's never a good game to play, you never like the results.

berryblondeboys
02-02-2011, 04:05 PM
Can I ask why you are sleeping now? I ask because getting my sleep fixed has been THE factor in my weight loss and why I KNOW I can do this for good this time. Thing is, my hubs has known me from 150 to 350 lbs and every weight in between. He mostly keeps to himself on the matter, and it's just now that I've really started to show a great loss and he sees me making good choices consistently over time and exercising regularly that he has started being my biggest cheerleader.

I have no doubt that my husband has loved me through all of this, but I also imagine he has had to emotionally detach himself from MY weight. Of course it would be sunshine and lollipops to think that he has loved me exactly the same way through it all and that he is perfectly happy either way at 200 lbs heavier or lighter, but the truth is I didn't love my self so much a lot of the time, so how could he really? I give him credit for doing the best he could when I was really in the throes of my sleep apnea, basically a blob on the couch eating like there was no tomorrow. How long has it taken for him to really start to believe, see that light back in my eye, and really get on board with the new lifestyle I have envisioned for us? About 8 months and 82 lbs. I honestly think it was too painful for him to get his hopes up before, as not one teeny tiny bit of it was in his control.

My mind is wandering, but I hope it helps. Live the way you want to live, and he'll get there!

That's how I think my husband feels about it too.

And the sleep. Well, it started about 6 years ago when I was pregnant with my son. I had terrrrrible restless legs and I couldn't do anything about it because I was pregnant. Then, I started having gall bladder attacks (though I didn't know what they were until after he was born). Then a newborn and then that newborn wouldn't sleep. I was getting up 5-7 times a night for 2.5 years with him. He would fall asleep so easily, but couldn't stay asleep. Then for a year, he would wake only once, but for like two -three hours - first 4 times a week, then 3, 2, and then once a week and until about age 5, once a month. Later, he was diagnosed with high functioning autism, but while in the throws of waking that much EVERY NIGHT of my life - I just existed. I didn't live.

Then, he's finally sleeping and then I would just not be able to sleep - at all. 3-4 times a week. I had to wake to go pee 3 times a night too. I never felt rested, ever. And then, daily headaches - all day, every day for three months.

After 6 weeks, I called a doctor, and since we had recently moved and I was a new patient, another 6 weeks to be seen.

My blood pressure was through the roof 230/130. Two days after I started taking BP pills, the headaches stopped and I started to SLEEP. Like REAL sleep. I told my husband, it had been YEARS since I felt this alive. When I think about it, I wasn't sleeping well before I got pregnant either. And bad sleep, means eating throughout the day to make it through the day.

So, I had already started to make better choices before I learned I had an underactive thyroid, and we're still working on that.

And, that's why I'm hopeful - very hopeful. Everything is now in place to be able to succeed. Just hasn't been long enough, I guess, for anyone but me to believe it.

berryblondeboys
02-02-2011, 04:16 PM
You said several times that your husband doesn't say he loves you. Do you tell him you love him? If so, does he not reciprocate? Does he just say "thanks" or nothing? Or are you not saying it, either, to see how long it takes him to say it first? Because that's never a good game to play, you never like the results.

We used to say it every day to each other. I think what happened is that we went through a bad patch and my husband didn't believe my words. THough they were ALWAYS true, but he didn't 'feel' it. That's when he stopped saying it. Probably 8 years ago. I was still saying it, then he said it bothered him that I said it all the time. And no, he wasn't saying it back and it dug like a knife.

Since then, we've had more ups than downs, but he still doesn't say it. I'm respecting his wish to not say it often, but he still never says it. When i say it, he'll smile back at me. Or, hug me (if we're in bed and I'm on his shoulder), but he never says it back. And never says it on his own. ONE TIME he said it last year when he was away from a trip and we talked on the phone. I about fell over, and then, after the call, I cried.

We've talked about it, and he doesn't know why he doesn't ever say it and doesn't think it's been that long. But I know, because it really hurts. He does want me to come to his shoulder every night when we happen to go to sleep at the same time (about twice a week) and he does kiss me goodbye in the morning, but no more words. And even though I should be able to see PLAINLY that he loves me, it still hurts to not here it, and he knows how i feel about it.

kittycarlson
02-02-2011, 04:34 PM
Sorry you've had such a rough time. Your blood pressure was through the roof. Hope everything is going well with your son. That is so stressful. My niece had her four-year-old diagnosed with Aspergers last spring. Now her two year old. She doesn't get much sleep either but I think it is getting better as they both take Melatonin.

berryblondeboys
02-02-2011, 04:47 PM
Sorry you've had such a rough time. Your blood pressure was through the roof. Hope everything is going well with your son. That is so stressful. My niece had her four-year-old diagnosed with Aspergers last spring. Now her two year old. She doesn't get much sleep either but I think it is getting better as they both take Melatonin.

I hadn't been to the doctor since my postnatal appt., but my BP had always been fine till then. Same with my thyroid. I realllllllllly believe that those years of lost sleep royally screwed up everything in my body. And why not? Who can go sleep deprived for years without some severe consequences?

I don't know why the medicine for the BP helped me sleep though. My blood pressure was still really high when I started to sleep. I'm not a big medicine person, but boy, it really helps - A LOT.

I love my little guy to pieces. he's extremely bright, but he didn't know how to communicate back and forth (getting better). But it was a realllllly rough few years.

shannonmb
02-02-2011, 06:01 PM
Oh berryblondeboys, I am really excited for you! It sounds like you are getting a GOOD handle on everything. I honestly believe some of those things you talked about make it damn near impossible to lose weight, but WAY TO GO plugging away and SURVIVING until you could get to a better place. Now this is not only possible, you are doing it!! It does take them a little time to catch on that things are a-changin'. But I have a strong hunch that you won't even recognize your current life or your relationship in a year or so if you keep feeling great and taking care of YOU. :hug:

beerab
02-02-2011, 06:13 PM
I totally understand wanting to have a cheerleader. You aren't asking him to do it all just be a bit more supportive right?

Then you have to tell him that BUT you have to keep him more involved in the process. Just say you want someone to be excited for you and cheer you on and ask him if he can help you out with THAT aspect of your weight loss. Then each day give him an update and each week tell him how much you have lost.

"Hey babe today I am so proud of myself I did so well, I worked out half and hour AND stayed within my alloted calories!" or "Hey babe I lost two more lbs this week for a total of 10 lbs!" etc...

And as your cheerleader he can say "great job babe I knew you could do it."

If that's all you want I don't see how he can't toss in a few words of encouragement here and there.

Honestly sounds like you guys might want to look into marriage counseling- if my husband stopped telling (and showing) he loved me I'd be a very unhappy person.

berryblondeboys
02-02-2011, 09:15 PM
Oh berryblondeboys, I am really excited for you! It sounds like you are getting a GOOD handle on everything. I honestly believe some of those things you talked about make it damn near impossible to lose weight, but WAY TO GO plugging away and SURVIVING until you could get to a better place. Now this is not only possible, you are doing it!! It does take them a little time to catch on that things are a-changin'. But I have a strong hunch that you won't even recognize your current life or your relationship in a year or so if you keep feeling great and taking care of YOU. :hug:

Thank you so much for the vote of confidence. Of course, I GOT overweight (to my highest actually) when I was sleeping, but I was also eating horribly then - stress is an UNDERSTATEMENT for those years. But the lack of sleep really put a damper on doing much with weight loss. I'm just happy I didn't gain, but slowly VERY SLOWLY lost during that time, but I could have lost way more if I had sleep.

berryblondeboys
02-02-2011, 09:37 PM
I totally understand wanting to have a cheerleader. You aren't asking him to do it all just be a bit more supportive right?

Then you have to tell him that BUT you have to keep him more involved in the process. Just say you want someone to be excited for you and cheer you on and ask him if he can help you out with THAT aspect of your weight loss. Then each day give him an update and each week tell him how much you have lost.

"Hey babe today I am so proud of myself I did so well, I worked out half and hour AND stayed within my alloted calories!" or "Hey babe I lost two more lbs this week for a total of 10 lbs!" etc...

And as your cheerleader he can say "great job babe I knew you could do it."

If that's all you want I don't see how he can't toss in a few words of encouragement here and there.

Honestly sounds like you guys might want to look into marriage counseling- if my husband stopped telling (and showing) he loved me I'd be a very unhappy person.

See, that's just it. I don't "need" it. I am doing this. I'm ready to do this. But a cheerleader would be nice!

krampus
02-02-2011, 09:42 PM
I'm sad to hear you're not getting the support you'd like from your husband. I think with most couples, competition and hurt feelings are closely entwined and it ends up being the better option to not try to arrange any kind of "you keep me accountable" deal with your husband/wife.

Since it sounds like he wishes you were thinner, it would really benefit all parties if he said some kind and/or encouraging words. I hope you hear them, as well as an "I love you" or 10, ASAP.

ebb&flow
02-02-2011, 11:40 PM
I am so sorry that you feel let down in this situation. I have a couple of thoughts, that my or may not have already been posted because I only skimmed the other responses.

First, I agree with the guys/gals who said me need detailed instructions on what they are expected to do. The important part of that is that he could say he loves me till the cows come home. He feels love is best expressed by actions because anyone can say the words. However, he often needs me to spell out instructions of what I need and what I feel is helpful. Instructions almost always start out with "don't try to solve my problem." His first reaction is to come up withe a plan for me/things for me to do. Then I say Do A B and C when I do X Y and Z.

Other hand, or other point. Sometimes one thing is an indicator of an issue of other larger issues. We have a lot of pressure. Separations for work, a kid with medical issues and special needs, and sometimes financial strains. We've had rough patches as well as good times. The thing is, when we are having a rough patch and there is a distance between us that we can't breach immediately, he doesn't communicate well. Then he starts to feel like he has no right to have input into my "personal stuff". Weight loss, how I spend my free time, etc. For example, I recently discovered that while I spent our time after the kids were in bed reading while he was watching tv, he felt the distance and wanted attention, but felt like he couldn't put a demand on me to pay attention to him. Weird and staying quiet was no way to get what he wanted, but he wasn't exactly rational.
Nothing shuts my hubby up more than the subject of my weight. First, the problem is that he isn't as affected by it as I am. I gained 20 pounds after we were married before he noticed the gain to the same extent that I noticed it at 5 to 10 pounds gained. On the flip side. He notices the losses slower too.
Second, he knows weight is an emotional issue for me and men and emotions and my hubby are an uncomfortable combination. When he's uncomfortable he says nothing.

Boiling it down:
1. Weight loss is individual and (if you learn from my recent posts and struggles) your joy should be shared with others, but shouldn't depend on others to keep it alight.

2. Men need detailed instructions on how to show support and exactly what support looks like.

3. Relationship baggage show up in many different areas. Perhaps work on the weight as a personal thing for now until your hubby is secure in your bond enough to support you in the ways that you tell him to support you later? Just shooting for a possible suggestion for you that could possibly help. I could be way off.

of course all of these things are individual and your circumstances may be different from mine. Though, I home that something I've said helps you.

berryblondeboys
02-03-2011, 09:24 AM
I haven't had a chance to 'talk' with my husband yet, but I am feeling more support. Like, I just ordered a heart rate monitor and foot pod. I didn't ask for approval of the purchase, just did it as I need one (my old one of 12 years died). Normally, before making a purchase over $100 we discuss it of "do we need it or not" if it's a 'want' versus need. He saw the charge, asked what it was for and I said for a new heart rate monitor and his response was, "Ok, I'll put that down under fitness expenses." If that was for clothes or makeup or something for the house, I would have some 'splainin' to do, but he obviously felt that was a needed expense.

And he's not that controlling... we are just stretched a bit financially after remodeling our house last year and are trying to figure out our budget needs/wants so we keep on track. So... THAT showed support. I didn't have to debate with him it's importance... So again, actions speak volumes, right?

LindseyLou
02-03-2011, 09:46 AM
Berry,
I'm sorry to hear that your husband isn't as supportive as you'd like him to be. He sounds a bit like my husband, at least when I first started. My husband told me he was worried about my health and I knew that he probably wasn't liking the way I looked, although he never out right said it. I never got comments on how "good" or "beautiful" I looked either.

I agree with the other ladies in saying that it's your responsibility to take on the emotional support. I honestly think if you can do this "alone" so to speak you will start hearing the comments. My husband would never really comment on the fact I lost 5 or 10 or 15 pounds. And he might ask the occasional "is that on your plan?" question. BUT, I think he saw how much drive I had, how much determination and then I started getting the comments. I think he respected me for doing it alone and not giving up. He comments on how little I look (though I think he might be crazy), I get comments on my rear end, and the "you're lookin' good." I love it! It makes me feel good to see that he SEES the changes in my body and the hard work I've put in. I really think you taking on weight loss on your own and not depending on him for support will show your determination and how strong you are and I think that will get you comments/support. I think men like when women are strong and confident!

I think if you feel you must have his support, you are going to have to spell it out like the other ladies said. Men don't like guessing what we want/need. I think they try to avoid that! ;)

kittycarlson
02-03-2011, 11:11 AM
I've been thinking since yesterday about your posts. My husband rarely says anything about anything. This fall after I had lost about forty LBS he said How much weight have you lost anyway? That made me feel good. Deprivation I guess. I went shopping to a nice plus size consignment store and bought hundreds of dollars worth of new clothes. He actually watched me try them all on and made comments about which ones he liked the best and would say "That looks really nice, I like it better than xyz." I didn't ask permission either. When I said I bought a bunch of new clothes that fit he said "good". Like I said before I believe he is supportive but doesn't show it much at all.

astrophe
02-03-2011, 11:14 AM
I have not read all the replies. But why not just print the original post and hand it over for him to read?

Tell him how you want support and don't want support, and then move on to the business of doing what you gotta do.

A.

Shrinkmfs
02-03-2011, 01:17 PM
I have to hand it to my hubby-when i had gained alot of weight I asked him"DO you still love me?" and he said" Of course. Love is not a number on the scale -it is a feeling in your heart". Now that is encouraging.Around that time (about 10 years ago) I decided to start exercising and I have kept with it. Twenty pounds lighter now and about 15 more to go..

ThinningVegan
02-03-2011, 05:19 PM
I think that if you want him to show more support than you have to take the good with the bad. Telling someone you want them involved means they are going to say things that sometimes are helpful and sometimes are not so helpful. In that persons mind they probably think everything they are doing is positive (like the bacon comment) You can't expect someone to be involved and say ONLY the right things all of the time.

From my personal experience with my own husband, I think if you stick to it on your own and show that you are capable and keep going, he will see that and he will notice. How many times have you tried to lose weight before and failed? I know with me, I've tried and gave up so many times during my marriage that right now my husband is probably just sitting on the sidelines waiting to see if this is for real.

I know my husband loves me and supports me though he is a quiet one also. He is also on board with a healthier lifestyle but for him it's because he wants to be healthy and bulk up. I tell him all the time how proud I am of him for drinking more water, getting up extra early to workout, etc. He asks me when he comes home if I have worked out and I can tell you in the past when he would do that and I wasn't really giving it my all, I would get defensive and upset at him. I think that when we embark on this kind of a journey there are so many ups and downs and mixed signals sent out. That's why I totally agree that it is important for you to do this on your own. Husbands, friends, etc. are just not going to notice everything we want them to, and they are not going to say everything we want them to. OH WELL! Do it anyway, do it for YOU.

I wish sometimes my husband would be more excited over what I am doing but then I think to myself, what I am doing now is not really any different than what I did before so why should he be excited? I know that when I start dropping significant pounds and he sees that I really am doing this for myself, his excitement will grow. He has never said that he does not love me or my weight affects him from an attractiveness perspective, but I do know that my weight affects him in other ways. He wants me to be healthy, happy, confident, energetic, and improve my self esteem. That will all come with this journey I am on, but to expect his words to keep me going just simply won't do.

It's your OWN words that will keep you going. Be your own motivator, tell yourself you love yourself.

Katydid77
02-03-2011, 05:53 PM
I think you should try to look at this the other way.

IF he isn't the type to make comments now, he surely will when the results start being more noticeable and visual. Make your motivation to be to MAKE him so astounded that he does say something!!

Obviously he is supportive in his own way, but he's been dissapointed before. Remember you spent months, if not years, mentally preparing yourself for this lifestyle change and to make this commitment. He is just at the beginning on this journey, give him a little time to catch up. :)

cammieb
02-03-2011, 07:40 PM
I didn't read all the replies, but I don't think you can have it both ways. My fiancée will support me completely by letting me buy expensive fitness equipment (i.e. bodybugg, weighted vest, etc), watching baby so I can work out, etc, but that means I also get to hear about how I shouldn't be eating x or y if I'm trying to lose weight, how I need to exercise more, etc. He's a Marine so I know when he's giving me fitness advice, he means it well because he's experienced it first hand, but sometimes I still feel the sting of criticism, I take it as he cares and brush it off.

I think maybe your hubby is afraid to say anything at all because of the bacon incident. Or maybe he just doesn't know what to do. I'd just tell him exactly what you want. Tell him you're serious about losing weight and would like his support. If you don't want him to do something, tell him that too. I told my fiancée to leave me alone if I'm eating a piece of cake or something because I have already planned it into my diet plan. Now he knows not to say anything if I'm enjoying a treat.

lajpr
02-04-2011, 10:38 AM
Wow, I'm really glad you posted this. Because our significant others can really have a big impact on our eating choices and our exercising routines. I also despise little comments on food choices. It does hurt when someone doesn't approve of what you are doing. And it would be great if we all had someone rooting us on. And to top it all off, it can't be easy living with your mother in law.

I wish you the best of luck, we've all probably been in this situation before. And I just want you to know you've got someone out there rooting for you.

berryblondeboys
02-04-2011, 11:23 AM
Wow, I'm really glad you posted this. Because our significant others can really have a big impact on our eating choices and our exercising routines. I also despise little comments on food choices. It does hurt when someone doesn't approve of what you are doing. And it would be great if we all had someone rooting us on. And to top it all off, it can't be easy living with your mother in law.

I wish you the best of luck, we've all probably been in this situation before. And I just want you to know you've got someone out there rooting for you.

I hate living with my mother in law. I always knew it was coming. She moved to the US to be near us. My husband is an only child and when we were moving last year (job change for DH), we had the 'talk' as it made no sense to buy a house that wouldn't work for her too as she's getting older, her health isn't great - bad osteoperosis and her brain is well....getty scary. I always knew it was coming, but it's been HARD. She has her own bedroom, living room and bathroom on the main level. We share the dining, kitchen and basement storage areas. Our bedrooms, study and family room are upstairs. It's a big house, but not big enough! :^:

She's never had a weight problem in her life, so she's always been VERY critical. Even now when I say I simply CANNOT have simple carbs because of blood sugar issues, she'll say, "oh, a little won't hurt. People who have diabetes still eat these things" Yes, and have to do insulin - no thank you!

Fortunately, Dh is on my side of support, but yes, she's a PILL to live with and I'm still adjusting (it's been a bit over a year). Never thought I would be doing all the cooking and cleaning of the kitchen. Until TODAY, I've been doing her laundry too as she would wash like 3 pairs of pants ONLY when there was a pile a mile high of 'our stuff' next to the washer. She's a selfish, self-centered piece of work... Ah, rant is over! :o

My husband, I think, is beginning to get on board with this. I came up and told him that I had eliminated all the slow songs on the wii game (Walk It Out) and he blew me off. Later he came in and asked, "So, how was your work-out?" I must have caught him in the middle of something before. I think when he sees my motivation continuing, and the pant size dropping, he'll 'believe' more.

berryblondeboys
02-04-2011, 11:28 AM
Obviously he is supportive in his own way, but he's been dissapointed before. Remember you spent months, if not years, mentally preparing yourself for this lifestyle change and to make this commitment. He is just at the beginning on this journey, give him a little time to catch up. :)

This is SOOOOO TRUE. I have spent YEARS getting ready for this. I got so scared/unsure of myself when I gained back all the weight the last time I tried. I've really only tried once FOR REAL, and once I started, but then life was way too busy and difficult at the time to sustain anything serious. But, it's true. In my head I have been working on all the baby steps to get there for years. YEARS! He doesn't know that. He probably isn't really aware of the little changes I've made over the years and he's definitely not aware of all the 'discussions' with myself I've had in my head for eons. For him, this is "She got scared at the doctor's office and so she's working on it for this month out of fear. It probably won't last...and then a little voice in his head, but maybe it will?"

Thighs Be Gone
02-04-2011, 11:33 AM
Your husband is a wise man. You've gotta find a way to do this without him. Dependence is way, way more unattractive than fat.

See, what you are accidentally doing is trying to make your weight his responsibility. That way, if you fail, it's also his fault, so he can't blame you. But it just doesn't work that. Eating is the one thing that is really only under our own control. Two year olds get this and refuse to eat to show their independence. Eating disorders are rooted in control issues.

You can ask him for practical help: take over the grocery shopping or cooking, watch the kids when you exercise, not keep brownies in the house--but he can't be emotional support. That's gotta come from within.

I have also been married 18 years and yes, ultimately I know my husband loves me and his reaction to my weight through the years could be discussed for days to come. I do however, completely agree with the post overhead. When I began my journey, I didn't tell mine at all this time. About thirty pounds down he said, "you are looking thinner." I acted surprised and said, "am I?" I really do get THIS IS all about ME. It really has nothing to do with anything or anyone else. I did however, put myself at the very tip top of the list though--for a change. Once I committed to the proper foods, exercise and proper sleep and caring of myself I let nothing and no one come before it.

Don't look for him to give you what you need. Get it and GIVE IT to yourself!

Hey, also wanted to mention to you BRAVO for getting your sleep under control. I think this has been SO important to me personally. My sleep habits were a wreck. I would stay up late and pile my plate high and then surf on the internet. For years! I realize now it was probably when I did the most damage to my body.

jls0867
02-04-2011, 11:46 AM
I have to agree with Shmead. Men ARE from Mars and clam up when their attempts at supporting have been met with anger, resentment or redirection. You've said you have done the diet thing and failed several times in the past. Sounds like he has chosen to take the 5th as he likely feels you blame him in part for falling off the diets in the past? Be silent and go forth with this on your own! You are finding too many excuses to fail. You are the key and only you can break your failure cycle. I'm fairly certain once your hubby sees this new independent focus and your growing confidence, he will be your number one fan! YOU CAN DO THIS!!!

berryblondeboys
02-04-2011, 11:52 AM
Where is ANYONE reading that I don't think I can do this without my husband's support? Where have I said, "if he can't support me, I can't go on with it?"

And I've tried to lose weight TWICE in 18 years and really only once, 12 years ago was it an all out try. I've yo-yoed a wee bit because I lose weight when pregnant, so my weight has been up and donw a couple more times because of that, but I think people are ready WAY more into what I said.

I know this is my journey and my journey alone. I've known he's wanted me to lose weight all 18 years of our marriage, but all his 'desire' in the world wasn't enough to get me to the point to do it. Of course, it's totally an inside thing that has to finally click all in place to do it. And I thought I clearly stated that, but apparently I did not.

This is MY journey. I simply want him to be along with me in the ride, smiling at me and cheering ALONG WITH ME. Just as I am whenever he attempts anything.

lucysam77
02-04-2011, 12:05 PM
Dear berry:
I used to put everyone first: my husband and my daughter, that's why I gained 50 pounds. But then I thought: lose weight has to be for me, my health, and live long for my beautiful 5 year old girl (with autism).
I love my husband but i don't care what he thinks or if he is supportive or not. We must learn to love ourselves first to be able to love others.
(i hope i wrote this right 'cause my english in not perfect:o)

Good Luck :hug:

berryblondeboys
02-04-2011, 12:13 PM
Dear berry:
I used to put everyone first: my husband and my daughter, that's why I gained 50 pounds. But then I thought: lose weight has to be for me, my health, and live long for my beautiful 5 year old girl (with autism).
I love my husband but i don't care what he thinks or if he is supportive or not. We must learn to love ourselves first to be able to love others.
(i hope i wrote this right 'cause my english in not perfect:o)

Good Luck :hug:

And it's the same for me - if we all need a shower before getting out the door. Guess who's the least likely to get a shower? I've always put myself last. That now includes behind my mother in law and that is also the last straw that put me in the "wait a minute, what about me???? state of thinking". She's soooooo self-centered and thinks nothing of taking advantage of others... So, I started to rethink all of this.

It is MY turn. I'm 41 years old and not getting any younger. And I think by putting myself, maybe not to the tip top as I have two kids, but CLOSER to the top of priorities, they will appreciate me more. Of coruse, i want them to be proud of me! I want my husband to feel he has a beautiful wife and my kids to think I'm not an embarrassment.

aimeebell
02-04-2011, 01:12 PM
This is MY journey. I simply want him to be along with me in the ride, smiling at me and cheering ALONG WITH ME. Just as I am whenever he attempts anything.

I don't see anything wrong, needy, or dependent with wanting your husband, your partner in life, to support you through weight loss or anything else by showing confidence in your ability to be successful with plenty of compliments and loving gestures. Isn't that a big part of marriage no matter what the journey is?

berryblondeboys
02-04-2011, 02:22 PM
I don't see anything wrong, needy, or dependent with wanting your husband, your partner in life, to support you through weight loss or anything else by showing confidence in your ability to be successful with plenty of compliments and loving gestures. Isn't that a big part of marriage no matter what the journey is?

YES!!!! Thank you. My husband and I are partners - through and through and while he has his things and I have mine, my health affects him as his affects me. So, having his support benefits him too. Like, if I haven't had a chance to exercise yet, taking over bedtime rituals so I can get it done. That's showing support. If I come up from a workout and announce I've walked 6.3 miles, say "way to go!" or "wow!" Not just look my way and nod and then continue on with whatever you were doing. But as I said, he's coming around. I think he can see I'm serious. He has stopped asking if I want a glass of wine with dinner (as I keep saying I can't have it). And so on.

But I'm a bit shocked at the number of married folks saying I shouldn't expect that kind of partnership and support. It's not dependence, it's friendship!

Sum38
02-04-2011, 02:27 PM
My husband is the silent type. He supports my weightloss his own way, and sometimes he even says "you are eating that?" -- I know he means well. Men can be such buttheads at times.

He actually "paid" me a compliment today; Wow you almost have a waist-line. -- Someone may take those as negative comments. But he is who he is, and I need to read between the lines :lol:

I saw him checking me out today. It has not happened in a long time. it gave me a good feeling inside. He did not need to say anything encouraging. The look told it all.

So keep an eye on your hubby :)

berryblondeboys
02-04-2011, 02:34 PM
He actually "paid" me a compliment today; Wow you almost have a waist-line. -- Someone may take those as negative comments. But he is who he is, and I need to read between the lines :lol:


That is such a funny back sided compliment. But then, you know your husband and how he is. That's just well....laughable!

Sum38
02-04-2011, 03:12 PM
Isn't it? Early on I used to get so mad at him...lol

Hey i asked in a different thread where your husband is from? -- Just curious, because I grew up in Finland.

luciddepths
02-04-2011, 04:56 PM
In a partnership and friend ship you always let them know what you need. They should try to provide for that need.

Have you told him what you want/need yet?