Husband doesn't want me to lose more weight... advice?
I was married recently, and while my husband and I were very close before we were married, we did not live together, and he simply was not exposed to my daily routine. By routine, I don't mean that I have much of one... but I try to exercise daily, and I also highly limit my intake of sweets and things like breads. I eat lots of vegetables and do not much like red meat.
However my husband is a big eater... he eats a LOT... and he loves sweets and fried things, and things that I pretty much like to stay away from. It is annoying that he seems to adore the foods that tempt me, and I'm not going to make him change his eating habits, but I am tired of him trying to force me to eat those things.
Now he is constantly telling me that I am starving myself, and he doesn't want me to lose more weight because he likes me to be "soft". He is always asking me if I have eaten and what I have eaten, and that he doesn't want me to turn into Karen Carpenter.
The man did not know me at my high weight, although he knows how much I have lost. I have been pretty steady the past year because I have not well handled the transition of moving several times, graduating, holidays, job searching, wedding planning etc... so he has really only known me at this weight.
I guess I just need some... constructive advice on how to explain myself to my husband and how to help him feel secure that I can control my eating the way I do and still be healthy.
Assuming that there a isn't ED real concern here like him worrying that you are anorexic like Karen Carpenter...
... ask him gently what his deal is. Cuz then it would seem like it is on his end of things and not yours. Was he hoping for an "eating buddy" adn disappointed you aren't it?
Are your healthier-by-comparison habits making HIM feel insecure or threatened? Like you are going to try to change him?
Is he worried about other guys hitting on you if you get fitter?
I would tell him that you are not dieting but eating in a healthy manner. That is what I tell my friends that keep telling me to stop loosing weight, I do not know where they see a skinny person because I am not. i explain that I want to get a healty bmi to lower risks of diseases. Calculate your bmi and show him what is recommended, he might even get a reality check if he knows his number and the risk of a high bmi.
it is your health and what you do now will affect the rest of your life.
Like previous posters have said, you need to sit him down and find out what his actual concerns are. If he's legitimately worried about your health, you'll need to explain BMI to him and reassure him that you are eating a normal amount. Maybe Google for some images of portion sizes and show him what an actual serving size looks like, so he knows you're not eating too little. Tell him that you aren't looking to change his habits, but that you'd appreciate it if he'd stop trying to force foods on you that you don't want.
If he really just doesn't want you to lose weight because of wanting you to be "soft" and it's totally a physical thing, it's really not any of his business. Let him know that you're doing this for your HEALTH and that you really hope he'd love you just as much at a lower weight.
Last edited by KenzideRhae; 01-18-2011 at 05:41 PM.
I think it's pretty insulting to compare you to KC. If anything he's the unhealthy one if he is overweight and only eating junk.
That being said I'd tell him just as you aren't forcing him to eat the things you eat you'd appreciate it if he didn't try to make you eat things that your body just cannot handle.
I tried eating like my husband and all it led was to me gaining a TON of weight and being unhappy. So while HE may be happy with your body YOU are not and trying to get to 135 is a reasonable goal weight for your height. If you were already at 135 and saying you wanted to lose 20 more lbs I could understand him being concerned.
Remind him that men have a higher metabolism than women do. That is, men can eat more than women can without gaining weight. That is an unfortunate truth.
I don't tell my husband that he needs to lose fat, he doesn't tell me that I need to gain it (or not lose it, when I was plumper). Maybe that's partly why we're still together after 20+ years.
Seems strange that your husband wouldn't be supportive of something that is good for you and that you want. The commitment that a husband and wife make to each other is thorugh thicker and thin... he really shouldn'ttry to undermine you and should support your efforts no matter what those efforts are!
Maybe seeing you eat healthy makes him feel a little guilty for his own choices and this is his way of coping.
Also you said he is aware that you have lost a lot of weight. Maybe this is his way of telling you he loves you how you are and you don't have to lose any more to be beautiful to him.
Either way sounds like a talk is in order. Just chose your words carefully so he doesnt get defensive.
This is a really tough situation to be in and I know how easy it is to cave, especially when you're with someone in that capacity.
I agree with the posters who suggested having a gentle "fireside chat" with him about BMI and health. Also agree that he might be feeling guilty or insecure about his own food choices - you could remind him that you're not trying to change him and that your eating and food is just fuel to stay healthy and nothing more.
Also, women are soft by nature unless they are a.) Karen Carpenter or b.) very serious muscle builders! Just because you're smaller won't change your ahem "texture."
Remember - if you don't continue to make the healthy choices that you are now, it'll be YOU that has to take the insulin shot, it'll be YOU that gets heart disease, it'll be YOU that has sore knees from hauling extra weight around. He might want you to look different for him, but under the skin, your organs will be struggling ... keep focused on being healthy!
If he's constantly telling you you're starving yourself, you need to deal with this NOW. GOOD LUCK!!
^thats what i tried to explain to my boyfriend, though honestly it did make much sense to him. Last year i was almost to my goal weight before slipping up and gaining a bunch of my weight back. But when i was down to 126 (20 pounds less than i am now) i was astonished at the fact that i still had curves. I still had boobs. i still had a big butt. Those things arent determined by how much fat i have, they are determined by my body shape. Ya everything did get a little bit smaller of course, but mostly my shape was more defined which made me look more curvy than i look now, because right now i have belly bulge and thunder thighs making me look more circular than hourglass.
It might not make sense to him, but maybe try and explain that to him.
Another thing that is definitly relevant is the jealousy factor. My bf would say that im the more attractive of the two of us (though i obviously find him attractive cuz i chased him and got him to ask me out) but i think that hes afraid that if i have a more generally attractive body than i will run off with some buff jock and leave my nerdy bf behind. Men are naturally jealous, so assure him that whether 100 or 400 pounds, hes got your heart.
idk if any of this helped at all. at the very least just know that you are not alone, and eventually he will get used to your eating habits and will be comfortable with your lifestyle. Once it becomes normal to him he won't find it worthy of changing cuz it wont be weird or out of the ordinary. He will just see his darling wife who likes to eat a salad instead of a hamburger
Last edited by 100percentME; 01-18-2011 at 08:06 PM.
My husband actually is somewhere I'm betting on the very light side of normal BMI or even underweight... he's a very thin man, and can eat 14 cookies and 7 slices of pizza every day and not seem to have any weight issues... albeit I'm sure it is causing other issues and the reason why he gets so tired at times!
I think I will wait until next time he makes a comment, and then make him talk about it then.
Husband doesn't want me to lose more weight... advice?
That is an unfortunate truth.
