100 lb. Club - A moment of self-reflection derived from.... porn??

01-10-2011, 08:53 PM
On occasion, I watch porn. Okay, there I said it. It's not something that I'm particularly ashamed of, but it's also not something I'd ever intentionally advertise. However, a few days ago, I was watching a random, fairly generic porn video, and it got me thinking about weight, sex appeal, insecurity, confidence, and general stereotypes regarding beauty...and the thoughts/musings keep popping in my head, so I thought I'd lay some of them out here -

I am in no way an expert with regards to porn...I couldn't name specific actors, directors or production companies... but in general, unless you are watching more fetish based stuff, chubby girls rarely seem to show up (unless they're there as a random side character). I've never found anything particularly odd about that...it simply fed into my general belief that most men find thin, big-breasted women to have the greatest sex appeal. However, the video I was watching had a girl who had a fair bit of chub. I'd guess she was about a size 16 or a bit larger, with some stretch marks and cellulite if you looked closely (and with the closeups, how can you avoid it, really :p). What threw me, was that she was confident, gorgeous, and sexy as ****. There was nothing different about her role in the video due to her weight, no fetish angle, no comments about her weight, etc. She just did her thing, and the video moved on.

Honestly, what throws me for a loop is the fact that this throws me for a loop. The fact that I'm still thinking about a porn video days after watching it is definitely unusual. Until I saw this girl in a porn video, I believed that I found women of all shapes and sizes beautiful, however, I guess I didn't believe that many people found them sexy. It never really occurred to me that beautiful and sexy were apparently very different concepts in my brain, and while I knew there were people who found larger women beautiful, I never really believed that they found them sexy. I've spent all of my adult life never considering myself sexy, never considering that men might be interested in me based on appearance. Based on what I've seen on these boards, it seems a somewhat common insecurity for heavier women - although I've also seen plenty of larger women posting on these boards that are incredibly confident of their sex appeal with men.

It makes me wonder, why is there such a difference? I had no problem seeing the heavier girl in the porn video as a sex object, but I have such a hard time seeing myself that way. My past relationships (of which there have been few), have typically been from friendships that developed into something more. I think this fed my belief that men didn't find me particularly sexy, but they could be attracted to my personality.

For those of you who do feel sexy at any weight, is there anything in particular that helped you develop that confidence, or did it just feel like something you were born with? As I go through my weight loss journey, I'm trying to be kinder to myself, to look at myself in a more positive light, and hopefully, to ultimately boost my level of confidence - particularly with regards to men. The fact that I was so shocked by a plus-sized character in a porn video only brings into sharp focus how much I have bought into stereotypes about sexiness.

Okay, so that was a really long post for me - way longer than intended...I can't believe a porn video made me think that much :D

01-10-2011, 09:15 PM
On occasion, I watch porn. Okay, there I said it. It's not something that I'm particularly ashamed of, but it's also not something I'd ever intentionally advertise.

You do realize that this is a public forum, right?

Larger women can definitely be sexy. Definitely. Sexy isn't about a perfect body... It's about knowing what you've got, not being ashamed, and having a clear intention... It's a frame of mind as much as anything.


01-10-2011, 09:26 PM
I think, too, that's a HUGE difference between 'sexy' and 'sexual'. I know a lot of fat girls who'll 'do' anyone just if they ask - they see it as liberated and free spirited, and then get sad and depressed because the guy doesn't want to be their boyfriend. And then do it again. And then again... sigh.... i think confidence can be learned, fake it til you make it as they say, but it might be easier if there's a life-long foundation there - natural support and nurturing, feeling valued etc., from a child onwards.

I've always felt sexy with my DH because he makes me feel beautiful, even at 300 pounds!

oh yah, this is a public forum, i'd delete that first bit of your post! ;)

01-10-2011, 09:27 PM
I doubt any thread title will ever snag my attention as fast as this one did --- LOL!

That said, you ask a really good question. I fall into the same boat as you; I definitely do not think of myself as sexy or physically attractive and quite frankly, it is difficult for me to wrap my head around men being attracted to women my size. I am one of those fat ladies who dresses very quietly and keeps her hair/jewelry very conservative so I don't draw attention to my (to me) physical ugliness. My husband claims to have no particular problem with my looks and still finds me attractive, but I don't believe him, frankly; I don't ever catch him checking out any other fat ladies, for instance!

So, what makes some women our size step out with confidence --- and be sexually/physically successful with the guys? I am curious if there is any correlation between being heavy all your life and not having that confidence. (Probably not -- lol!) Some posters have talked about how they are uncomfortable with male attention as they get closer and closer to goal --- are those ladies from the not-so-confident in the first place or is there some crossover?

And I suppose the million dollar question is how does a non-confident person learn to accept themselves enough to join that other, looks-like-they-are-having-a-lot-more-fun group?

Great topic for a thread, Spixiet!

01-10-2011, 10:33 PM
I"ve always been big, the last few years at my biggest.

I think maybe I had personal insecurities, as we all do, but I've always been pretty outgoing and confident. Then again, I've had a bf for nearly 16 years who was attracted to me before he knew me. (saw me at the mall the week before I met him through a friend.) and likes chubbettes.

Honestly, I find bigger women far more attractive. No offense to thinner people, I will occasionally find them attractive too if they have a feminine shape. It's just a preferance thing I guess? I've always watched porn with chubbier girls. (non fetish) and I've never really thought anything of it.

I definitely feel sexy, not every day by any means, ha, but more often than not.

And to be fair, more so since losing some weight.

The Last Noel
01-10-2011, 10:53 PM
Porn is cool. I watch it sometimes but it gets old compared to the real thing after a while, ya know?

I would say I have alot of confidence and it came from a hard life where I had only myself to rely on. When you are extremely poor, you have alot of nothing and with nothing comes self-reflection. From that you either learn to love yourself and make yourself better or build walls so that you never have to self-reflect again. After everything I have been through and everything I have accomplished despite hardship, how could I not be my biggest fan?

Hey I have one thing left to say to you, spixet. You really shouldnt discount your confidence in yourself. Look at you, losing weight, making commitments....and to who? YOU. You have confidence in you that is why you are here. Take a deeper look at who you really are. That is a sexy ***, motivated, determined woman!


01-11-2011, 12:06 AM
in the real world confidence is everything. Skinny people aren't sexy just because they are skinny and heavy people aren't not sexy just because they are heavy.

porn and hollywood in general aren't real world though.

btw, if you watch amateur porn there is a way wider range of body sizes and ages.

01-11-2011, 12:12 AM
I had sort of an opposite experience once. My husband has always enjoyed women of all shapes and sizes. He/We were watching a porn that was supposed to have heavier girls in it (fetish style) and much to my dismay the women in this movie were hardly "plus size" by my standards...maybe an extra 15 or 20lbs, but nothing that I would consider excessive. I found it made me feel so much worse, when my husband's intention (skewed as it may have been) was to make me feel BETTER about my size. He's the type who gets really upset when I refer to myself as a "fat girl".

01-11-2011, 12:41 AM
I have had my fair share of experiences, and I know that I am a very sensual person, which comes off to guys as sexy. I knew that part existed, but as I got bigger, I thought it got covered up. My partner has truly made me understand that I am sexy, and that it is great that he loves me, and is attracted to me just as I am. I am forever looking at other women and gauging attractiveness and sensuality "sexy" I agree with Cherry Pie... Sexy is about attitude and confidence, not about a dress (or in this case) lingerie size.

BTW - Sparrow sings.... That truly IS the million dollar question!

Wild Vulpix
01-11-2011, 12:43 AM
Very interesting thread :lol: I'm not part of the 100lb club, but I can't help myself but to comment!

I've always had a huge stigma against the porn industry because of how they treat women in general. It's likely that I'm just projecting my own insecurities; I'm not sure. Wiki says it better than I can though: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Porn_industry#Opposition

The media in general has really skewed my view on what I personal find sexy and beautiful, and I hate it.

The Last Noel
01-11-2011, 01:05 AM
Very interesting thread :lol: I'm not part of the 100lb club, but I can't help myself but to comment!

I've always had a huge stigma against the porn industry because of how they treat women in general. It's likely that I'm just projecting my own insecurities; I'm not sure. Wiki says it better than I can though: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Porn_industry#Opposition

The media in general has really skewed my view on what I personal find sexy and beautiful, and I hate it.

Good point. I agree with you about how the porn industry treats its women if what you mean is bad pay and worse benefits. I think that is largely our fault as a SOCIETY. We criminalize sex and criminalize women enjoying sex. If we respected these people as professionals trying to make a buck (like the rest of us) and empowered legislators to apply the fair wages act to the sex industries (instead of ignoring it and wishing it would go away) perhaps they would be respected just as much as the men are respected and treated like human beings.

Sorry for soapboxing this thread. She started it!

01-11-2011, 01:11 AM
For those of you who do feel sexy at any weight, is there anything in particular that helped you develop that confidence, or did it just feel like something you were born with?

I like my porn/erotica to come reviewed. I don't want to waste my time/money on crap made stuff. There's plenty of that out there! But variety in body shapes certainly exists.

I was born an introvert who likes small, close groups best. I am still an introvert who likes small, close groups best. :)

I'm also straight up and I don't like fussy. Confidence is developed over time by taking small risks, and finding out it isn't so bad. Being comfortable at the new place for a bit, then taking a new risk to push the boundary out a little more.

Like public speaking doesn't bug me as much as it used to. I don't LOVE it, and I don't THRIVE on it, but I can do it now without having a cow and I get complimented on my style. Little do they know the night before a presentation, I still cannot sleep and I have butterflies! But I've made friends with the butterflies and they just flutter and go away after a visit. I don't worry about butterfly cures or spend too much time analyzing butterflies. They just come, they just go away. Knowing this, I can endure butterfly visits and take it in stride.

In all my early relationships, I've always been comfortable and confident. Usually more so than my partner. It wasn't like I was some big dating expert, but neither did I expect perfection from the get go! I think my partners were too teenagery HS/college in the sense that they worried so much about all the firsts -- date, kiss, etc. I went into it thinking more like "Well, let's see what this holds!" and I never cared about being someone's first anything. I was more interested in getting to know my partner deeply and meaningfully and enjoying the relationship.

Which is why I wasn't a big dater. I was more like a serial serious relationshipper! LOL.

My DH and I met quite young and he says the confidence attracted him. We've now been together and/or married for almost 20 years. and in that time I've been slimmer, fatter, pregnant, younger, older. As we keep aging together I might be slimmer or fatter, but certainly older!

I've never felt anything but loved, sexy, and cherished with him. Oh, I'll have the occassional freak out but that tends to go away... I think my insecurities come out when I haven't been paying attention to nurturing myself or the relationship and some time doing that cures the freak out. And I don't spend a lot of time what iffing in my head. That just makes fluffy butterfly clouds of confusion. I am more apt to announce "I feel insecure/jealous/whatever! I need reassurance/attention/whatever!" and we talk and I feel better and life goes on.

It's like the public speaking butterflies -- they come, they go. Sometimes body image butterflies are winged insect pests, and sometimes they are fun to look at to see what new thing you learn about you.

The man sees me naked, birthing, throwing up, etc. I don't think seeing my emotions out "naked" is going to freak him out any. Puke is way messier and he could handle that!

I sometimes think it might be a Meyers-Briggs thing too -- how critical one is of oneself and whether one needs approval or self esteem boosts from outside sources or if they can be their own rebooter from within. It certainly could influence your ability to make peace with your own self from within and how environmental factors play out on you.

I'm known as "the confident, slightly eccentric one" in the family and my mother once threw her hands in the air and exclaimed about me and my sister... "I don't know what it is. I fed you both the same food, raised you in the same house, you played with the same toys, went to the same schools through high school and look! One is like THIS and the other is like THAT!"

I've seen all shapes and sizes be confident or have anxieties. It isn't as simple as all slim people are confident feeling and all larger people are anxiety prone.


01-11-2011, 02:07 AM
astrophe, loved your post!

01-11-2011, 02:31 AM
Interesting, I see what you mean spixiet, but in some ways I actually think the general media and porn have started to embrace some of the curvier body-types as "sexy."

To a girl who in her youth thought Kate Moss-style tiny frames were the epitome of beauty, I was surprised in recent years by how voluptuous some of the pop-culture sex symbols are. If anyone is aware of the actress Christina Hendricks (from madmen) and the reality star Kim Kardashian, and even some of the more well-known porn stars, they are celebrated because they are so curvy and "womanly."

We are moving in the right direction in some ways as far as embracing all body-types but it is a slow move.

I say there is nothing sexier than a happy, healthy, confident woman, and that encompasses so many more types than those featured now.

01-11-2011, 02:34 AM
For those of you who do feel sexy at any weight, is there anything in particular that helped you develop that confidence, or did it just feel like something you were born with?

TMI alert: If you're disturbed by the idea of two fat people being sexy together, do not read any further.

For as long as I remember, I've been overweight or obese. I've also always felt sexy and friends have always said they admired my confidence with men (I've had better luck with dating and with choosing good guys than many of my thin friends).

I think confidence is like bravery, it's not about feeling no fear, it's about acting despite fear. Confidence isn't so much a feeling as it is a behavior. You can act confidently and secretly be scared to death (which I was much of the time, I was just willing to take the rish of rejection).

I think a couple thoughts really helped me though.

1. What you look like naked, isn't really a big mystery. Clothes don't hide much (at least not without heavy-duty spanx). Anyone who has seen you in comfortable clothes, has a pretty good idea of what you look like naked if they think about it. At about 380 lbs, when I met my husband, I had no illusions that when I dropped my clothes, he would gasp in horror "OMG, I had no idea you were so fat."

2. Creativity and humor are very sexy. I was extremely nervous about my first sexual encounter with hubby (first naked-time is always nerve wracking, even when you know he probably knows what you look like naked, there's always that little bit of fear and thought "what if he doesn't like what he sees." Of course what most women don't realize is that the men are just as scared about first-nakedness.

To break the ice, I brought an erotic game-bag to our first sleep over. I'm not talking about strange, kinky sex toys. In fact, nothing in the bag would normally be considered a sex toy at all, and only a few items were sex related at all. The most sexy turned out to be the washable Crayola Markers. We took turns drawing "tattoos" on each other, while the person being tatooed tried without looking, to guess what the tattooer was drawing.

When now-hubby saw the markers he looked at me like I was insane (the brightly colored condoms were at least self-explanatory), and asked what they were for, and I explained the game I had in mind.

I regretted the markers, and the whole bag of toys immediately, thinking he thought I was not only a slut, but an insane slut.

As it turns out, it was one of the sexiest idea I ever had. When we were drawing on each other, and guessing, we actually became less body conscious. I felt less self-conscious than "in-the-dark, under the covers."

I think it's hard to be silly and body-conscious at the same time.

Not to gross anyone out with the image, but I discovered that the look hubby found sexiest, was anything but sexy in my mind - me (at nearly my highest weight no less) naked except for running shoes and bobby socks (I undressed after a work-out and peeled my clothes off before my socks and shoes).

The next time I worked out, I did the same on purpose and did a silly little dance for hubby (yes with the lights on). We both laughed so hard, our eyes watered (for us laughter is the best foreplay).

It's funny how acting as if you're sexy, makes you sexy.

Arctic Mama
01-11-2011, 02:42 AM
Well I can't speak to porn, we don't invite that into our marriage, but I can speak to confidence. It is as much about me as him. I am secure in our relationship and his feelings for and about me - that makes me confident and frees me to act sexually with him, without fearof any rejection or reprisal. And because I carry myself with confidence and assurance, he finds me very sexy.

I think it is that way in most healthy marriages. Security breeds confidence and trust, trust and security breeds confidence, and the cycle feeds itself. My husband and I belong to one another to enjoy and cherish, so we make the absolute most of it because this is what we have (and never anyone else, in fantasy or reality). That monogamy (emotionally and physically) is the foundation of most of my confidence.

I can say that I did not have this confidence when I was younger, even at a lighter weight, because I didn't feel loved and cherished and translated that to not being WORTH loving and cherishing. I had to get rid of the traditional type of young, serial relationships to find that ground I needed to personally blossom and grow in my sensual nature and self assurance. It's a chicken and egg thing, truly. They create one another.

01-11-2011, 02:44 AM
I have always been the type that always took care of myself no matter what my size. I bought sexy clothes and lingerie then just like I do now. I still do it because it's what makes me feel pretty, confident and sexy. I can appreciate other females who put off the same "because I'm worth it " vibes.

Skinny doesn't equal sexy just as Overweight doesn't equal unattractive.

01-11-2011, 02:48 AM
Not to gross anyone out with the image, but I discovered that the look hubby found sexiest, was anything but sexy in my mind - me (at nearly my highest weight no less) naked except for running shoes and bobby socks (I undressed after a work-out and peeled my clothes off before my socks and shoes).

I know this! I totally get it. :)

Only in my case was naked but for a mostly blue and green but sort of multicolored diamond pattern panties and multi color polka dot knee socks. I was trying to get naked to take a shower and DH walks in on me and busts up laughing.

Him: "OMG! You look like some kind of crazy clown stripper and it is adorable!"

Me: "I am amused you think I look like a crazy clown stripper but I am disturbed you find clowns adorable."

Him: "Here... let me disturb you some..." (enter shenanigans)

It's not a terribly sexy image -- me in crazy clown wear, but the sexy is in the intimacy and vulnerability and confidence to allow these sorts of moments in your life.


The Last Noel
01-11-2011, 03:16 AM
lol astrophe


01-11-2011, 03:23 AM
I'll start out by saying a) best thread title ever...sucked me in immediately (no pun intended...heh. yes, I have the sense of humor of a 12 year old boy) and b) kaplods, I kind of want to marry you now. Love your confidence, love the story about the sexy game.

And apostrophe, your crazy clown stripper story killed me. That's some good stuff.

I'm no stranger to porn. I find most of it funny and have watched tons with friends and turned it into a drinking game ("drink if the gardener shows up at the door saying he's hot!"), but I notice that my own personal preference leans toward curvier ladies.

I'm one of those feel-sexy-at-any-size types, and maybe that has something to do with the fact that the women I enjoy are softer, if you will. The first woman I was ever attracted to in my early 20s was a bit older than I, maybe a size 16, and absolutely gorgeous. She was so confident and free and sensual, and I got a lot of inspiration and strength from watching her and the way she interacted with people.

I've never had trouble attracting male attention, and the guy friends I have tell me it's because of my confidence and the way I carry myself. They also maintain that the prefer women with a little more cushion. (Their opinion, of course, so take it for what it's worth. These are boys who still find fart jokes funny...lol.)

It's odd timing, because I was just having a conversation with a male friend last week about sexiness, and we were talking about how ideally it comes from within and one shouldn't need anyone one else to tell them they're sexy. But sometimes seeing yourself the way someone else looks at you is a really powerful thing, and it just propels the confidence forward. Not gonna lie, being told I'm not doesn't hurt my feelings. :)

Again though, my vote is for curvy ladies...just something yummy there!

(Oh, and there's a great song honoring the larger woman called "Big Girls (You are Beautiful)" by Mika. Youtube it. It's awesome.)

01-11-2011, 03:35 AM

BRAVO to you for being so open and honest! That took guts, but sex is something "most" of us do from time to time lol.

You know what's weird about me? When I'm not in the "bedroom"... I have no confidence in myself whatsoever... and I'm constantly putting myself down and feeling embarrassed about my weight... but... when I'm in the "bedroom".... it's like a different woman comes out lol. I don't know where she comes from... but I like her much better!

I wish I could get her out here all the time ;)

01-11-2011, 04:20 AM
This is slightly off topic (although generically relevant in terms of sex appeal), but this conversation has reminded me of a conversation my husband and I had with my best friend and his boyfriend a couple weeks ago. My friend and I were reminiscing about a Halloween party about twelve years ago, and I was dressed as a barmaid/wench (and some serious "boobage" created by a tightly laced bodice). I actually had sewn the costume several years before and wore it every Halloween because of the great male attention I got in the dress.

At my friend's party, there was quite a mix of sexual orientations, and that night I got so much flirtatious attention from both genders (not only the heterosexual men and lesbian women, but even some of the gay men), that I told my friends my theory that "boobage" of that degree was mesmerizing (like the hypnotoad in Futurama), and how it was a shame and a waste that boobage to that degree was only socially acceptable at Halloween parties and ren-fairs.

But the experience reminds me that my confidence isn't just internal. It is shaped by outside attention. With so much positive attention, my already strong confidence really did blast into the stratosphere. I've never felt sexier before or since, because all the male and female attention really made me feel gorgeous (even if it was my chest that got the lion's share of the attention).

That dress boosted my confidence to such a degree that every time I saw it in my closet, I wanted to wear it (sadly, not appropriate for corporate cubicle land). When we moved to Wisconsin six years ago, I donated the dress to Goodwill, because we had to move on such short notice and on such a tight budget, that we got rid of everything we didn't really need.

Of all the things I gave away, the ren-fair dress is the only thing I miss. I think it almost became a symbol of my sexuality. Of course it was also a good-luck charm, in that it never failed to attract attention (I wore that dress every Halloween until we moved to Wisconsin).

There's not really a point to this story, except that it's funny how different I felt in that dress, because of the positive attention it drew, and the fact that I loved how I looked in it. I really was half-tempted to wear the chemise and bodice with jeans.

01-11-2011, 04:28 AM
Partly because of my age/generation (I think) when a lot of mainstream films were definitely what we would now categorize as soft porn (oh, the 70s!), I definitely have totally bought into the fact that "sexy" =
frequently blonde
ricketty ribs
large (but bony) hips
enormous and immobile boobidoos
oh yes, and impossibly flat, impossibly shaved hmm hmms

Something that will become more of an anxiety the nearer I get to goal is the nearer I become to this definition of "attractive", the more I'm going to have to work on what the root of my inner conviction of unattractiveness.

Of course I've met/seen plus size women who are drop dead gorgeous (clothed, I haven't met any naked ones) but somehow that doesn't alter my thinking of how *I* could be.

Related - honestly, don't laugh - is a thought that came to me a few months ago while watching QVCUK. They have a newish plus-size model, who is not just statuesque, she is fat. She is very tall too, so offers me no insights at all into how the garment might look on me. She always wears a 1XL size, and they cling to every curve! To me, she doesn't look big and shapely, she looks big and wearing too tight clothes, why don't they just put her in a 2XL or a 3?
And what I was churning around for a while was that my clothing goal, even now, is to cover up. My aim is to hide my shape as attractively as possible. So just through QVC, I was left with the same questions as OP. - I complain often enough about society stereo-typing fat people as unattractive but it seems I have totally bought into it. Interesting.

01-11-2011, 04:49 AM
I like porn too. :o

The best stuff is amateur. The stuff with super high production quality is just bad. White blonde hair extensions, two layers of spray on tan, enormous chest that's way out of proportion to their body, fake nails...really? Two inch fake nails....whaa? I won't comment on why that's bad.

Plus the actors don't seem to be enjoying it. You can tell who gets into it and who cares more about the camera.

I'd rather see real people who really enjoy it. As it turns out, the majority of real people aren't flawless. We all have the occasional roll, stretch mark, odd shaped whatever. We also don't all have the money to get rid of these things and create a Barbie standard. If I had the money to surgically sculpt my body and fix my skin and have healthy white hair and a dark tan, would I? Yes. But that's not happening in my lifetime. :D

I've seen absolutely sexy women of all sizes and shapes. The way they present themselves, and enjoy themselves...and their attitude. It makes you ignore the imperfections completely and just enjoy the moment.

So, yeah. :p

01-11-2011, 11:19 AM
I've got to say... this post gave me tons of laughs this morning! Way to go ladies! :)

For me.... I agree with the others here that there are definitely some beautiful, SEXY plus sized women out there. They're just... shaped nice... big or not. Unfortunately... I don't really think that I'm one of them. I've got those weird rolls that just... ugh. Hang. Nasty. To me anyways. Lots of guys have told me to cram it and had more than a lot of fun with me (though I still will never understand why)

The thing is...... one thing I noticed and came to realize in my crazy college days was that when I'd drink, I'd become this crazy confident sexual female. And a lot of the time, in a group of all skinny girlfriends, I would be the one getting a number or whatever. However... if sober (and thus quiet and conservative)... it never happened.

To me.... that says it all. It's about confidence. About letting your personality shine through and highlight your sexiness. As so many other women here have been saying as well. :)

01-11-2011, 12:52 PM
Ohhh I love this thread.

First off Kaplods and Astrophe, I think you two are my favorite people today!

I find porn ladies to be the least attractive! What is with that angry face? Seriously, they should rethink that staple.

Before I really came into myself and my body I knew a girl who got SO much male attention and was pretty heavy - same story - she told me once " The most attractive thing you can wear is a smile" and it stuck with me.

(until fairly recently) I have always felt sexy and, well, always have thought that my body looks better without clothes. :o Never had a tough time getting attention from men, even my highest weight. I was known as the girl in the group who would get hit on first.
There has been a significant drop in that male attention though, I look the same - the only thing that has changed was my confidence level. My last BF was a man with some intimacy problems I think (hated his mom, been single for 15+ years - anybody else see red flags?!). I stayed for 1 year thinking things would get better, if I was better, or smaller, or took better care of him or whatever. Being sexual and feeling sexy has always been a huge part of who I am so that killed me inside and, I'll be honest, I left him a year and half ago and I am just now getting back to feeling like myself. I have no idea why I needed to learn that lesson, but I guess I did.

So, I guess the moral of the story is even if you have to 'fake it till you make it' - do what you have to do feel your best and love the body you are in right now.

01-11-2011, 01:08 PM
At 298 lbs my male colleagues would drool over me and my breasts have always attracted attention. I have been told I was extremely sexy, and my husband agrees. However, I feel different now. Not sexier as such, but more comfortable (despite the saggy skin on my tummy and legs). I think women of all shapes and sizes are sexy, but the thing that truly makes them sexy is confidence.
Most people, male and female are infact beautiful - someone just has to see it :)
Thanks spixiet - this is a great thread!

01-11-2011, 05:04 PM
LOVED the title to this thread! Don't censor yourself even though some people got a little uppity. :p

Very good topic and good productive conversation, yes even about sex/porn!

I also have the humor of a 12 year old boy and this thread was awesome!

01-11-2011, 08:33 PM
Wow! - there are a ton of amazing responses here...thanks people :)

Wrt to the fact that it's a public forum...yes, I do realize that anyone surfing the internets could possibly come across my post, and that I have my picture there (and a user name that is closely related to my actual name), lol. However, I wanted to be honest about where all my original ponderings originated :) Plus, really, how often does porn lead to any serious musings???

Thank you so much for the open and honest responses. Fantastic ideas and observations, and I definitely think I'm just going to have to go down the "fake it til you make it" path. The only way to get better at something is to practice - whether it's learning to see yourself as confident and sexy or anything else in this world....

01-11-2011, 09:49 PM
Okay, I am loving a thread that encompasses both porn and the hypnotoad from Futurama! :p

I have to think on this some tonight, and get back to it. I've never had a lot of male attention, even when I was young and semi-thin, so now that I'm getting some I don't always act appropriately. My husband says I'm more beautiful NOW (39) than when we met (17) but he's my husband and HAS to say that, right??


01-11-2011, 11:15 PM
pr0n always makes me feel like sh!t and reinforces the idea i'm trying to deny which is that the universal definition of hot = flat stomach and super low body fat. i must be doing this wrong.

01-11-2011, 11:22 PM
Exactly your pre-coception of Porn is why I stopped watching it myself.
Of course my reasons were different. It never bothered me that if you find porn it's 99 percent likely it's thin-white people. However if you want/like something different you can find it. My reasons why I stopped watching porn was the distinquished difference of Love & Sex. Just as you might view the difference between sexy/beautiful. I've been with my husband for 15 plus years we used to watch and enjoy it together, till I learned that we have is so much more powerful and meaningful then all of that.

When you find someone that truly loves you, you will feel beautiful and sexy. I was always shown affection and given loving compliments. For the longest time we both were comfortable fat people. It wasn't till we both starting to push the envelope and love making became difficult to be as intimate with kissing with 230 plus pounds of fat between us. Needless to say I've lost almost 130lbs and he has 100 plus gone and we can't be any closer in the bedroom and it's amazing, My sexy'ness is just flying off the roof and he loves me just the same as before....so in a way I've been like "honey we both are so awesome and hott lets do it more!!" Lol. but we just do it as the same we did before, it's just better now, way better, lol.
So yeah I think my confidence was always supported/boosted by my husband. There are plenty of men that LOVE bigger woman, woman of any/all sizes!

Goddess Jessica
01-12-2011, 01:03 AM
I love porn! And I actually do advertise it because I hate that we have to hide it. :) One of the reason I like porn as opposed to nude photography (like Playboy) is that you can't airbrush a movie so when there are zits on a porn stars butt -- I can see it. It's much more "human" for me.

Anyway! I've been fat all my life and I'm very confident with my sexuality and picky with who I sleep with. For me, sexuality was always about ME -- am I enjoying this, am I getting off. My confidence comes from the idea that if I'm having a good time, my partner will be too.

That doesn't mean I don't have moments of insecurity. When The Cute Boyfriend and I were just beginning to date and I knew we would sleep together soon, I remember telling a friend of mine that I was so worried what he would think when my clothes came off. My thin friend said, "Do you think your clothes are magically making him think you're a different size?" Uhh... good point! And if you quiz a guy about what he thinks about when he sees a naked woman, it's NOT critiquing her body.... it's HOLY CRAP I AM GETTING LAID. Which is all together a comforting thought.

Fake it (confidence that is, not orgasms) until you make it.

Nola Celeste
01-12-2011, 10:43 AM
Goddess Jessica, I freakin' LOVE your post and agree totally. :D

My husband confirmed the "Holy crap, I am getting laid!" thing to me many years ago. I asked him if it bothered him that my boobs aren't quite identical--"sisters, not twins," you could say. He looked at me like I was insane and said, "Why would I mind!? That way I get to have a favorite!" I never even imagined that anyone could think that way, yet his response was too immediate and surprised to be anything but genuine. So while I was thinking, "I hope he doesn't notice too much," he was just thinking, "Yay, boobies!"

No partner is looking at your body and criticizing its flaws (real or perceived) when you show it off to him or her. They aren't comparing you to porn actresses, either; the women on the screen aren't real to them, and reaching out and touching skin is vastly different from simply seeing images of it.

01-13-2011, 12:10 AM
I'm not a big fan of most porn. I prefer what would be categorized as erotica. The bodies tend to be natural and there is usually a somewhat decent story line. And, I really don't want to see anatomy up close and personal on my TV screen! Subtlety is vastly underated.

But, I must confess, my hysterectomy and weight gain have made me feel less sexy and less inclined to tempt hubby into the bedroom. Hubby has gained weight,too. Being obese and out of shape makes me less flexible, I have less stamina, I have less interest and...doggone it... the bellies just get in the way!:lol: Overall, the experience can't compare to how things used to be. At all! I'm sorry if some find this offensive, but I'm being honest. I don't only want to lose weight to be healthier, to wear prettier clothes, to feel more energetic...I also want to bring back what we seem to have lost. From what I hear from others, this is a definite possibility.

01-13-2011, 12:49 AM
My husband and grown sons, confirm the "HOLY CRAP, I"M GETTING LAID" thought.;)

Hubby and I watch a little porn now and then, but I guess I never thought too much about it.

Most men see boobs and have instant tunnel vision. lol.

01-13-2011, 12:01 PM
Okay, so I've thought about this some. I'm not crazy about porn. I mean, we watch it sometimes but it's stuff that *I* chose (DH isn't stupid LOL) and what I chose is non-blondes with real boobs outnumbered by men. I think it's a Brazilian series? Anyway, the language barrier is erotic, the REAL women with small breasts, etc. is far more enjoyable than your peroxide blonde with huge fake boobs and gobs of makeup gettin' it on with truly ugly men. When I watch the pretty Brazilian women, I think, "Gee. They're really pretty!" When I watch the blondes, I just feel like crap about myself for some reason, maybe because they're supposed to be the "ideal" in beauty, and they're NOT. And let it be said, I HATE THE MONEY SHOT. Why does every scene have to end like that (even my Brazilians)? It's ugly and uncreative. /rant

Okay, on to how I feel about me. I feel...awkward. I've never really felt sexy in my own skin, even when I lost weight the first time. I felt creeped out when men would look at me, yet I loved how I looked. Weird, eh? *I* was happy with my looks, but unhappy with the attention, as I'd never received it before, even as a teenager. See, as a teenager I had VERY bad skin, like my mother should have had me on Accutane bad. My figure was probably okay, but because I hated my face, I hated ALL of me.

Now that I'm losing weight, I'm more comfortable with myself. My skin is not scarred, thank gawd, and I'm starting to get some lines around my eyes (39), and I still don't know how to apply makeup, so mascara's all I wear. I've been with my DH for almost 22 years and he says I'm more beautiful now than when we met (he's the bomb, my guy). Anyway, I get male attention, mostly at work where I'm dressed somewhat nicely (I work in a library, so jeans, Docs, and whatever I want on top is my usual uniform, but I do have my $1 Tommy Hilfiger pants and some Reitmans dress pants that I zest things up with). Last week, I had one guy (who I think has been flirting with me, but again, can't tell for sure as have had NO practice with flirting) do the "eyes drop, back up to eye contact" thing and I didn't feel squicked out. Progress maybe? But is it GOOD progress??

Now for the bad stuff. When we went to Mexico, I had 4 of the resort staff hitting on me, blatantly so that even Ms. Oblivious here noticed: one squeezed my boob and told me, "I like you. I LIKE you, like you" and said he wanted to "do things" with me, another slapped my *** (and more), a 16 year old (well, really young anyway) security guard was following us around one night and made a move when DH went to the bathroom, and another fellow, who I thought was just being "nice", said that because I was there with just my husband, it'd be easy to get me alone. Like, I'm a 39 year old woman, married to her first boyfriend, the only man she's ever had sex with...and being chased by 4 other men. I *should* have been appalled, but I wasn't. Au contraire. I'm lucky that my husband found it amusing, but I didn't like how I liked the attention.

09-02-2011, 01:09 AM
What a wonderful thread.

09-02-2011, 10:01 AM
I haven't read all the responses but I'll reply to your post. Sexiness....mmmm I have ALWAYS felt sexy but I don't know if that has anything to do with being gay...ok I think it has a whole lot to do with it so I'll give you my perspective. I find women beautiful, unique and totally off the wall sexy. I like bigger girls, smaller girls, medium girls, nice booty, small breasts, big breasts, it's all how she carries herself, confidence is key. I have always felt sexy cause in general women are curvey and yummy and I feel honoured be a woman, to be in that category. Not only because of physical attributes but because of the complexity of a woman too. The ability to birth babies, give life, create life, omg that is soooooo sexy! The emotional depth of women, how we feel, how we connect to eachother, its like a secret club that men will never get. That is soooooo sexy! Our strength, courage, our abilities to multitask being mothers, career women etc....its all soooooo sexy! And being a part of the "women's" club makes me feel sexy too. We have such a remarkable feminine energy that's soft yet so powerful, to be a part of that is where I gather my sexiness from. Your woman too, hear you ROAR!!!!

ETA I use to enjoy porn but I don't find it portrays in reality the diversity of the female species, just a small select few. If you can see the sexiness in women in general I'm sure you'll be able to find it in yourself as well

09-03-2011, 11:26 AM
I <3 this thread! Go Kaplods!!

Porn doesn't do it for me, never has. (As a professionally trained sociologist, I tend to find myself wondering what led those particular actors to making that lifestyle choice, etc., LOL.) I find words a lot lot sexier than pictures. My (former, now again current) BF is really into it. But now we're doing things we never did before we broke up for a couple months - like exchanging naughty texts/pics. The naughty texts REALLY turn me on. And the naughty pics really turn him on, far more than generic porn.

I've had some sexy lingerie for a while, wore it a bit when we first started dating then stopped, because 1) it didn't seem to matter to him what I had on as long as he could take it off as fast as possible and 2) I got too fat to wear it. I can fit into it all again, but I've bought new lingerie that's a lot racier than the older stuff, which was more pretty/romantic. The new stuff is pretty extreme. And he LOVES it.

One thing I noticed is, with my newly renewed self confidence, both in everyday life and in the bedroom, he really has opened up about what he wants, which he never did before. I would ask him what he wanted to do, and he was like, oh, whatever. Now he tells me specifically what he wants, and I do too, and things were great before, but now they are exceptional.

You can find some really hot lingerie for ANY size on the internet - like up to 7X if you need it. It's good stuff. :)

09-03-2011, 01:03 PM
I was much more confident at my largest than I am in this current state. I don't know or understand this body - I'm just learning how to live in it. I was used to myself before... I had postures and poses memorized so I knew how my body looked. I know it sounds strange, but that knowledge coupled with a kickass lingerie collection (that no longer fits) made me feel like a vixen. But with this ever changing situation of how I look and feel about how I look, I've kind of lost my sexuality. Which is like a really big deal considering in my relationship, Eric says I'M the boy and he's the girl (he's the academic that wants to snuggle while we read and gets the headache and I'm like "Woo Hoo let's get it on!!!")

I like watching decent porn with him, but usually we watch it and laugh. However, HE is very visual, so if I want to get him going without having to work so hard at it myself, I put on the suicide girls screen saver, go take a shower, and he falls victim to it every time. As a photographer, I tend to like the photo stills better than the skin slaps and bad acting. I think it's the light that really bugs me.

It's interesting, the psychology of weight loss and sexuality. I plan on treating myself at christmas to a few new pieces of sexy lingerie. Eric will be gone at school until then, so really, I'm not bothering until then. But maybe by then I'll be used to this weird feeling that I'm me, but I'm not me. Even my face looks different to me these days.

In clothing, I feel very pretty. My skin looks rocking awesome because of all of the veggies and fruits I'm juicing/eating. I glow. And I just ordered size 1x clothes and can fit into most of them, which I think gives me a little more booty shake in my step than I used to have. I get flirted with. It feels good.

But take the clothes off and I'm totally lost. I do hope I find my Mojo soon. But not too soon. Once Eric is in Portland for his quarter, finding my missing mojo would just frustrate the **** out of me. Heaven help the man in December.

PS any thread that is honest and open about sexuality is bonus to me. I can't handle the inability to talk about something so organic. Plus, Log the calories, baby. That's some BURN Work right there!


09-03-2011, 06:44 PM
This thread is amazing, really interesting to talk about something that people rarely talk about in public. I've been with my husband for 38 years. I had a fantastic figure for the first few decades and of course am pretty darn big right now. I have to say though we do still have a good sex life. I have always preferred to do it in the daylight, I feel like I can't find everything in the dark LOL or practically fall off the edge of the bed. We used to watch porn but I think we're both past that now. To the woman who said stomachs get in the way the best position for that I think is for you to be on top, sitting up and facing away from him (reverse cowgirl). Nobody's stomach will cause a problem at all.