100 lb. Club - Does anyone else feel like the weight makes them Not who they REALLY are?




milliondollarbbw
01-10-2011, 02:16 AM
I have been obese my whole life and now I am currently towards the higher end of my weight (my highest was around 332lbs. or so) range. For most of my life, ever since before I was 10 years old, I kept saying that "When I lost weight,..." and thinking of how my life, or at least how I really wanted to act, to dress, to behave, would be different once I lost the weight.

When I was a teen, I just wanted to be able to dress in regular teenage clothing. It was difficult for me to do that because plus size clothes were so hard to find and so expensive. I used to, at times, by clothes from Esprit that were too small and hang them up in my room as a form of inspiration. Obviously, that didn't work.

Now, I can find clothes in my size, but, the style is still very limited, the clothes are very expensive, and I am dealing with more issues around my weight: I don't feel like my outside represents my inside. I am now at that stage where I want to feel a bit sexy and attractive and sometimes I feel like that. Then I will see a regular pic taken of me, and I get grossed out and unhappy because when I look in the mirror I look regular, but when I see myself in a photo, I do look so bloated and my body looks overwhelmed by my weight.

I feel like I want to be a bit sexier, or rather, a bit more of a bonafied woman, ya know? Right now, people at work treat me like a younger person (could it be because of the weight?---I know how to do my job and I do it well and can usually help others, but some seem so keen on viewing me as inept), I don't get a lot of male attention, and I really want to wear cute and attractive clothes and feel more like a desired woman. It is hard to find clothes that I can afford and that look good at my current size.

How many of you feel like your weight is preventing you from really being who you are inside?


KenzideRhae
01-10-2011, 02:26 AM
I definitely feel like I allowed my weight to keep me from doing things I wanted to. I always said I'd take dance classes once I lost weight, I'd start dating once I'd lost weight, etc. Now I'm wishing I would have done things sooner! I'm taking a dance class and it's awkward just starting out, I wish I would have taken them years ago when I first wanted to. I'm dating here and there and, again, it's awkward because I didn't start when I wanted to, and I'm still not quite sure what to do.

I always tried to be as fashionable as possible, because I love clothes and shoes and everything to do with shopping, but it is hard to find all the cute clothes in bigger sizes, yeah. But I also feel like a lot of things my weight "prevented" me from doing wasn't entirely because of the weight, I was just using that as an excuse.

Rosinante
01-10-2011, 02:29 AM
I struggle with this because as a lifelong obese person I've always felt that being fat's stopped me being who I really am. The only thing is, the couple of times I've lost lots of weight and become 'normal' - I haven't had a ....ing clue who I was either. I have a lot of work to do in this area.


fillupthesky
01-10-2011, 02:37 AM
holy crap...

i can totally relate. i've also been overweight as a kid, then obese as a young adult and as an adult. i sometimes feel like i have no idea as to who i am. on the inside, i'm free spirited, i want to try new things, i want to do everything..but when it comes down to it, i don't because of my weight. i get shy, i feel like all eyes are on me, i don't like the attention. i really feel like it hinders me from dressing the way i'd like to, wearing my hair a certain way, doing certain physical activities, etc...even dancing, boxing classes...sooooo much.
there was a point in time where i was at a normal size. and, like Rosinante said, i had no idea where to start either.
sheesh. i need to get it together. it might be a part of a larger excuse, but its definitely a big part of the problem.

milliondollarbbw
01-10-2011, 02:41 AM
I used to have this idea of being really thin and what my life would be like.

Now, I just want to get back down to a size I was before, which was still plus size, but I felt a lot healthier at that size and I realize not as bad as I thought, ya know?

I am making small steps now to get to be who I really am. I would love to be a more alternative looking chick. But, to be honest, if I were thinner I could look more alternative and it would be cute. But, at this size, some of the things that I think look good in a smaller size don't translate well into a bigger size.

My most pressing goal is to get below 300lbs. I just have to.

fillupthesky
01-10-2011, 02:51 AM
you can totally do it...sometimes, i look at the mountain of weight in front of me, and i'm like whatever, this is going to take me forever, i dunno if i can...all the discouraging thoughts. but i break it down...into like 5lb increments. thats more like a speed bump.
it sounds like that's where you're at...getting back to you're previous size, then maybe take it from there.

i'd like to think of myself as more alternative as well. i'm really a more jeans a fitted tshirt kinda girl, but i like funky stuff. i like funky hair cuts. but like you said, it wouldnt necessarily translate well to my size. maybe some accessories that are edgier?

personally, i hate that i let my weight define who i am. but its hard not to.

gloo
01-10-2011, 03:22 AM
This is such an interesting question.

I've been fat and I've been as thin as 135 lbs, and I can honestly say that for the most part I've always felt like the same person. Sure, I've had clothing challenges and stuff like that, but I really believe that sexiness comes from an inner confidence and being okay with who you are no matter what your size.

I guess I've never let my weight stop me from being outgoing or sexual -- maybe part of it is because I've just never wanted to let my physical size define me. It gives my weight too much power, gives other people too much power to perceive me in a certain way because of what the scale says. I've never really thought about it before, but maybe being aware of the asexual fat lady stereotype p*sses me off, so I never wanted to give into it.

Again, I think so much of being sexy comes from attitude, from how you walk into a room or have a conversation. From looking someone in the eye when you talk to your head held high and your shoulders back. It's about swagger.

From a physical standpoint I've always been hyper conscious of my hair and makeup and all that stuff, so even if I'm not loving my outfit I can still find something to dig -- like the way my eyes look or my cute shoes. I'm not even sure if I'm expressing myself properly, so I hope you know what I mean.

None of this is to say, of course, that I don't have beaten down self esteem, crappy days -- everyone has those, no matter what their size. But for the most part I try to meet the world head on with strength and positivity and a good dose of flirtation and, when I do, it's amazing the awesome response I get back.

Even though you're in transition right now, please don't let that number tell you who you need to be. It's just poundage and a BMI -- never forget that it's not WHO you are. :hug:

fillupthesky
01-10-2011, 03:34 AM
This is such an interesting question.

I've been fat and I've been as thin as 135 lbs, and I can honestly say that for the most part I've always felt like the same person. Sure, I've had clothing challenges and stuff like that, but I really believe that sexiness comes from an inner confidence and being okay with who you are no matter what your size.

I guess I've never let my weight stop me from being outgoing or sexual -- maybe part of it is because I've just never wanted to let my physical size define me. It gives my weight too much power, gives other people too much power to perceive me in a certain way because of what the scale says. I've never really thought about it before, but maybe being aware of the asexual fat lady stereotype p*sses me off, so I never wanted to give into it.

Again, I think so much of being sexy comes from attitude, from how you walk into a room or have a conversation. From looking someone in the eye when you talk to your head held high and your shoulders back. It's about swagger.

From a physical standpoint I've always been hyper conscious of my hair and makeup and all that stuff, so even if I'm not loving my outfit I can still find something to dig -- like the way my eyes look or my cute shoes. I'm not even sure if I'm expressing myself properly, so I hope you know what I mean.

None of this is to say, of course, that I don't have beaten down self esteem, crappy days -- everyone has those, no matter what their size. But for the most part I try to meet the world head on with strength and positivity and a good dose of flirtation and, when I do, it's amazing the awesome response I get back.

Even though you're in transition right now, please don't let that number tell you who you need to be. It's just poundage and a BMI -- never forget that it's not WHO you are. :hug:

it's really good to get some perspective. i guess for me, i've always been told that i was never good enough. not just physically, but i just never seemed to live up to "x" standards according to my parents, and the ethnic standards of a woman of my ethnic background. then, as i grew up, i didn't live up to the supposed "beauty" standards, which were reinforced by lack of men who were interested in dating me long term (but were ok with just sleeping with me- ugh, losers), members of my family telling me "oh you have such a pretty face"...thanks, i know, the rest of me sucks, and just not feeling like a functional member of society in some way. i personally WISH i didn't let it define me. and it's not just the weight for me...i really think its a combination of all the crappy experiences and put downs throughout life that have kept me sort of encased in this shell of fat, quite literally.
it's all made me not confident, and has just hindered me overall. i'm hoping things will be different this time around.

milliondollarbbw
01-10-2011, 03:50 AM
it's really good to get some perspective. i guess for me, i've always been told that i was never good enough. not just physically, but i just never seemed to live up to "x" standards according to my parents, and the ethnic standards of a woman of my ethnic background. then, as i grew up, i didn't live up to the supposed "beauty" standards, which were reinforced by lack of men who were interested in dating me long term (but were ok with just sleeping with me- ugh, losers), members of my family telling me "oh you have such a pretty face"...thanks, i know, the rest of me sucks, and just not feeling like a functional member of society in some way. i personally WISH i didn't let it define me. and it's not just the weight for me...i really think its a combination of all the crappy experiences and put downs throughout life that have kept me sort of encased in this shell of fat, quite literally.
it's all made me not confident, and has just hindered me overall. i'm hoping things will be different this time around.

I can sooo relate to you! I've met a lot of guys like that and have been told that my face is pretty, if only I would lose the weight (as if I haven't tried!). I have also had men that were not ok with my ethnic background as I wasn't the classic American girl next door type. :(

We just have to be strong, one pound at a time. One pound at a time.

fillupthesky
01-10-2011, 04:04 AM
very true. i just hope that shedding weight will also help some of the more of my "true" self come out...
despite not living up to my parents' expectations as far as my lifestyle and career choice (who would have thought that moving out of state, living with my boyfriend, and being a social worker would be such a controversy?), i do like who i am. i just tend to keep it to myself and to a select group of close friends.

one pound at a time :)
we'll all get there.

rachael
01-10-2011, 07:22 AM
I was just talking about this yesterday. I am suddenly close to goal and I feel very much like myself. I look at fat pictures and it is almost like a stranger, a very sad stranger. I was so sad so much of the time and I felt like was constantly trying to prove I was more than just a fat girl. Now I feel freer and like my actions are not weighted by my weight. I am just me, not fat me, for the first time in over a decade.

I tried to be okay with myself and sometimes thought I was, but in retrospect, I wasn't. Maybe I am a weak person for that, but I can't help it. I can only acknowledge my feelings.

Eliana
01-10-2011, 08:40 AM
Gloo, how I wish I had that perspective for the past 10 years!

I was always thin, but of course didn't think so. I've always strived for tiny. I come from a tiny family where my 5'4" is tall! :dizzy: My grandpa is about 5'4", one uncle is 5'0" and all the women are 5'0" and smaller. My mom is 4'9". So I grew up feeling like the amazon woman. I remember one Easter, and I have the picture, where my mom dressed me from head to toe in black. I was 12. My cousins wore white and pastels and I was in black shoes, stockings, dress, and I even had a black flower in my hair. :rolleyes: Black is slimming, you know. In the picture I stand a head taller than my same aged cousins. I was tall! Not fat! But my mom, at 4'9", did not understand that it was ok for a tall 12 year old to weigh more than 100 pounds. 100 was her redline. Not mine!

So gaining all the way up to 235 really caught me off guard. I have a lot of spunk on the inside and I felt thin, just imagining what I looked like inside my head. I've said that through this journey I learned that my inner self, the me I see when I'm not looking in a mirror or at picture, the me in my head, weighs 175 pounds. I know this because as I started losing this time around I finally matched my image of myself once I reached 175. It was surreal. I knew at that moment the opposite was going to happen. As I continued to drop, I was going to feel fatter than I was. And it's been true. I look back at pictures where I was 175 and I just stare because even now, that is how I feel. It's very strange. But it's been a wonderfully freeing realization. I can easily talk myself into a better head space when I know this about myself.

dancinginpaint
01-10-2011, 09:15 AM
I understand, but I think for me I understand because I haven't always been this way. So while it was a slow process I went on to lose things I used to enjoy. I lost confidence and became a fearful person, and I used to have no fear when it came to what life would throw my way. So I don't at all feel like myself, because I used to not be afraid to laugh or look nice or do anything good or bad because the people would be looking at me. I think that being on this road and losing we get there, that is my hope and prayer.

rachael
01-10-2011, 09:21 AM
Dancing, that's the way it was for me, too. I felt like each pound took away a part of who I was. Now I know that I accomplished a lot while fat, and I have to give credit to that girl even more than I would have had I been thin. I guess what it comes down to is that I don't feel like I have to be the smartest person in the room (though I usually am anyway, ahaha) and the most clever all the time. I'm allowed to make mistakes and not immediately think that people are going to blame the dumb fat girl.

I know it's totally cliche, but I feel like my fat time was time spent in prison. I had to work my way out with good behavior and relearning how to participate in society (food). My new body is my freedom. It's not as perfect as an incarcerated person would hope freedom would be, but it's amazing and good, imperfect body and all.

DixC Chix
01-10-2011, 09:31 AM
For me, I think the head stuff (self-image, confidence development, being able to feel 'sexy') is different if you were ever 'normal' sized as an adult for at least 6 mo to a year or if you were overweight or treated as overweight your whole life.

My brain developed certain memory paths when I was thinner and it is easier to get back to those paths. That's why I know what I will probably feel when I get normal sized. I know what it felt like to dance, to run, climb, hike, feel sexy. The downside is of course I miss these feelings terribly. And I do associate them with being normal sized.

For those who have been overweight since at least adolescence there is no previous memory path to get back to so you have to make the new brain paths. This learning process takes longer to develop the paths but once they are mapped in our brains they are there for good. (Like riding a bike!)

Eliana
01-10-2011, 10:03 AM
For me, I think the head stuff (self-image, confidence development, being able to feel 'sexy') is different if you were ever 'normal' sized as an adult for at least 6 mo to a year or if you were overweight or treated as overweight your whole life.

My brain developed certain memory paths when I was thinner and it is easier to get back to those paths. That's why I know what I will probably feel when I get normal sized. I know what it felt like to dance, to run, climb, hike, feel sexy. The downside is of course I miss these feelings terribly. And I do associate them with being normal sized.

For those who have been overweight since at least adolescence there is no previous memory path to get back to so you have to make the new brain paths. This learning process takes longer to develop the paths but once they are mapped in our brains they are there for good. (Like riding a bike!)

Brilliant, yes. You explained this very well. I had to get back to that memory of who I knew I was. And it's everything I knew it would be. But I'm glad for the time I spent fat. I appreciate thin so much more than I think I ever would have. I am also far more compassionate.

SouthLake
01-10-2011, 10:11 AM
Eliana- I can so relate! But on a bigger scale- most of the women in my family are also quite short. 4'9", 5'1", the next tallest woman in my biological family on either side is 5'3.5". I, on the other hand, am almost 5'9". Without scoliosis, I'd be 5'11"! Or taller! I'm a freaking amazon in my family!

I have a different story than most people here. I spent my teen years very healthy. I was a very athletic person- I worked out two hours a day minimum, atleast 6 days a week, and loved every minute of it. Of course, I always felt fat, but was never above a healthy BMI until 2007. Somewhere, inside, I am still that athlete. Still competitive, still dreams (literally) of running, or lifting weights. Except I get winded on the stairs.

I'm so embarrassed of "What" I have become that I went from being exceptionally outgoing and personable to someone who shies away from new people and situations because I'm ashamed to let people see me. I haven't updated my Facebook profile photos in years. Truth be told, even my profile pic here is about 20 pounds lighter than I am, because I've refused to take pictures for almost three years.

I don't know what's worse, the people in my life who have known me when I was thin, or all the people that didn't. The people I am close friends with now never saw me at a healthy weight. To them, I've always been fat, and they seem confused by the fact that I do know a lot about weight lifting, and about nutrition. For the people who have known me longer, I'm sure my current weight is shocking. They remember me as a hardcore athlete, as someone who never got winded, as someone who took on everything and everybody in life with confidence and a huge smile.

I know that somewhere, that person is still there. I just have to unbury her from all the fat.

Sum38
01-10-2011, 10:18 AM
I was very skinny as a child. I stayed very thin during my 20's. I was 96 pounds when I got pregnant with my daughter.
I was 113 pounds when I got pregnant with my son. After having my children I managed to drop my weight down to 108 pounds....way too thin.

Anyways, I have always thought myself as a very thin person. I get shocked when I see pictures of myself...I don't admit it is me...I keep saying well it was the outfit; it was the camera ankle. -- I run away from cameras now a days, which makes my husband sad, because he is semi-professional.

My inner self is size 2/4. To others is am size 12/14. So yes...my exterior does not represent me.

milliondollarbbw
01-10-2011, 12:37 PM
For me, I think the head stuff (self-image, confidence development, being able to feel 'sexy') is different if you were ever 'normal' sized as an adult for at least 6 mo to a year or if you were overweight or treated as overweight your whole life.

My brain developed certain memory paths when I was thinner and it is easier to get back to those paths. That's why I know what I will probably feel when I get normal sized. I know what it felt like to dance, to run, climb, hike, feel sexy. The downside is of course I miss these feelings terribly. And I do associate them with being normal sized.

For those who have been overweight since at least adolescence there is no previous memory path to get back to so you have to make the new brain paths. This learning process takes longer to develop the paths but once they are mapped in our brains they are there for good. (Like riding a bike!)

Omg...so true! I don't have memories of being an average sized person (size 12!). I do have memories of having more attention in high school, but that is about it.

So, now, when someone gives me a nice comment on a photo, I am really floored by it. When someone opens a door for me, I feel so special. I realize that it is normal behavior, but I am not used to it, so I probably put more meaning to it than I should (i.e., oh, he must like me, when in reality he is just doing what guys do). I am still flattered when someone finds me attractive and somewhat shocked by it at times...I have a hard time trusting that the guy is telling the truth, mainly because so many guys have put me down because of my appearance AFTER telling me they thought I was pretty. Sigh.

Lizz
01-10-2011, 05:41 PM
I have also been overweight as long as I can remember, basically from early teens onwards from the age of 11-12 or so. Being overweight and smart has determined a great deal of my path if that makes sense, in terms of choice of profession, free time activities, socialization, relationships with peers. In a way, being shy, aloof, tough and respected has become a part of me and how I define myself as normal. Being overweight and everything it brings along is normal to you if you have not known any different in your life.

Until about 2 months ago I never really imagined what life would be like without the excess weight, what changes it may have in store. I was aware that I would have to loose some weight eventually but I figured that minus 20-40 lbs would still leave me a big girl so while an improvement for my health prospects, little other changes would result.

Reading your posts makes me wonder though, who will I become without being overweight? There lies much possibility but I also sense a great deal of uncertainty at this point. There is still lots of time left to figure things out of course but it is an intriguing topic, whether my reactions, views and values may change after I have conquered the excess weight. :?: And will I like those changes?

milliondollarbbw
01-10-2011, 10:38 PM
I have also been overweight as long as I can remember, basically from early teens onwards from the age of 11-12 or so. Being overweight and smart has determined a great deal of my path if that makes sense, in terms of choice of profession, free time activities, socialization, relationships with peers. In a way, being shy, aloof, tough and respected has become a part of me and how I define myself as normal. Being overweight and everything it brings along is normal to you if you have not known any different in your life.

Until about 2 months ago I never really imagined what life would be like without the excess weight, what changes it may have in store. I was aware that I would have to loose some weight eventually but I figured that minus 20-40 lbs would still leave me a big girl so while an improvement for my health prospects, little other changes would result.

Reading your posts makes me wonder though, who will I become without being overweight? There lies much possibility but I also sense a great deal of uncertainty at this point. There is still lots of time left to figure things out of course but it is an intriguing topic, whether my reactions, views and values may change after I have conquered the excess weight. :?: And will I like those changes?

I do wonder what life will be like thinner. I have been a bit thinner before, and I did get a lot more respect workwise. I am so obese now that I feel talked down to alot. ALOT. Sigh. And men barely look at me, though lately, something must be in the water cause men sometimes circle around me.

Or wait, they may just be like lions and think I am the weak wilderbeast....sigh...

howellbe
01-14-2011, 03:56 PM
yknow, it is a very interesting question.

i have always been heavy, even as a child, even as a baby. i don't know what its like to be thin. i do remember being an active child... i played on a boys basketball team, hocky, softball for 3 years, swam a lot, always running around and climbing trees like the little tomboy i was... but food has always been a sore spot for me. my parents did their best--kept healthy stuff in the house, but for years my brother and i would sneak downstairs in the middle of the night to take cookies from the jar, and as soon as i started getting an allowance for chores, i would go "play outside" and walk to the gas station, buy candy, and hide the wrappers at home till i could go throw them out. and i would always take extra food in between meals and especially at night.
as a teenager my parents couldn't keep me home. i would literally bikeride around town for 6-8 hours a day, I know because they had to give me quarters so i could call them every hour so they'd know i was ok.
about then I was still around 160, 170, 180. Then as soon as I got my drivers license and my first job, i discovered fast food. had never had it before, but when i started eating mcdonalds, it never stopped. i would eat a ton of it there, and then smuggle it home in my backpack after school and work. it wasn't much of a job, but i spent nearly all of my money eating myself obese, and pretty much by the time I was 19 and living on my own, i was 255lb.
I'm trying to lose it all now. i want to be thin
i want to learn to eat healthy, to exercise regularly, and to understand what it is to be a healthy fit person.

at times i feel hopeless, and at times i feel empowered. this morning i woke up and spent an hour and a half at the gym, created my own circuit/routine, and i might even go again at night, so i don't feel tempted to overeat and ruin all my hard work.

i look in the mirror. and i've never seen a small person in it. but intellectually, i feel like a small, petite person. i feel tiny, and yet i look at my body and i am dumbfounded. how is this possible?
i wear skirts and dresses, and high heels, and make up. i take great care to make my hair and skin look good. i love fashion and shopping and clothes. I even make/alter a lot of my own clothes.
i can put on lipstick and a fancy dress and the highest heels and feel incredibly sexy and powerful, and then I just stand in front of the mirror and feel emotionally ruined... I know i have really bad self esteem problems. I know.
but its hard to get yourself out of this vicious cycle. I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle.

So yes, I feel like this weight... this 255lb makes me NOT who I REALLY am. I've always been described as a small, fragile, delicate person... on the inside. I know it sounds strange but I do want to be small. I don't necessarily want to be fragile, but I want to be dainty and graceful. I always wanted to be a dancer.
I have so many things I want to do. I want to be able to run a mile. Right now I can not even run between street lights without getting winded or a pain in my side. I want to go to a beach in a bikini, I want to wear a teeny dress to a party and turn heads, i want to feel like i deserve my boyfriend. I want to be that one girl that people look at and they say Wow, she's gorgeous.
I want to be drop dead gorgeous.

I like my face.
And thats all I like.

And hopefully that will change.
No, I cannot say that.
This will change.

goodforme
01-14-2011, 04:45 PM
I feel a little bit differently than a lot of you all. I have always been fat, there is no memory in my head of "thin" or "average" or "normal" or what have you. That said, I have been married, divorced, had children, been in several long term relationships, had many jobs, been to college, partied, etc. etc. I don't feel like "fat me" didn't get to experience anything. BUT, I feel like "fat me" accepted the dregs and settled for less her whole life because she didn't know she was allowed to expect more.

I have been thinner than I am now, though not skinny or petite or dainty or even average, and to be honest, it scared the cr@p out of me! Attention I was not used to (both male and female/romantic and not) threw me out of my element and made me feel insecure and unable to handle myself socially. I think that's a big part of why I gained it all back! I love hiding inside my fat suit, where I don't have to show the world who I am. If someone wants to know who I am, they have to really work to get to it, and that's the way it's always been and what I am used to.

I'm afraid that I can't change my personality to match my outside. I love "fat me" because she's all I've known for 37 years. Who will "thin me" be? Who will she act like? Will she have a horrible sense of humor, have trouble in crowds, be awkward? I'm afraid to find out. . .

Great topic!

Kelleigh
01-14-2011, 10:47 PM
Excellent, thought provoking question!

I KNOW my weight keeps me from being who I am. Inside, I am a WARRIOR, I am strong, I am fit, I am healthy, I am able to do things with my kids and family. I know that is who I really am. Something is keeping me from being her.

Here at 250some pounds, I sit at the campsite while my kids and hubby go on hikes. Oh, they want me to go, they say they'll go slow and wait for me, but I don't want to punish them for my letting myself go. I stay home while they go ziplining and skiing and tubing even canoing (i'm so afraid the lifejacket wont fit).

When I met my husband I weighed 113 pounds. He use to pick me up and carry me around. And not even ONE time has he ever been anything but loving to me. All the way from 113 to 270, he has loved me. Loved me, supported me. He put my treadmill together then never said a word as it set there collecting dust.

This 250 pounds is hiding who I really am. I just dont understand why I can't let it go.

Angie
01-15-2011, 09:41 AM
I love this topic!

Yes, I can relate to this. At 5'6 I was a size 12 in highschool and in my early 20s, which was bigger than my friends, but not fat by any means. I had a firm and curvy body and got lots of attention from men. I was confident, somewhat sporty -- loved outdoor sports -- and fearless. I knew that I would succeed at almost anything I tried, I just felt like that was 'how it was' for me...

Looking back now I can see how I gradually lost my confidence and my surety/entitlement to success. I do miss it, all of it, and as others have said I dream of it. Last August, following the end of my marriage, I saw my opportunity to grab on and make the change to bring me back to all that; one major change in my life inspired others.

As I lose weight (46 lbs so far) I can feel myself becoming more confident again. I notice I'm more confident at work, and it may be my imagination, but I feel I'm getting more respect at work too. The trick seems to be to keep on moving down the scale. I've been 'resting' at this weight since early December, and I'm starting to feel bad about where I am, so it is time to move on again I think...at least 50 more lbs to go.

Shmead
01-15-2011, 10:42 AM
I was heavy but not off the charts in high school: heavy enough to believe no boy would want to date me, so I made sure none ever noticed pathetic me was interested, and so none ever showed interest, confirming my view. But in retrospect I was ok. At one point I even got down to 135 or so--the only time I felt even sexually plausible. Not pretty or desirable, but "A man probably wouldn't throw up if he saw me naked". I was pretty dumb about boys.

As an adult, being fat shaped who I was, because I became hyper-aware of controlling the image I projected in order to NOT be "the fat lady". I have a strong, confident, authoritative, dignified personality, and I really think it's because I wanted to be remembered as, at least, "the smart fat lady" rather than "the jolly fat lady". I NEVER self-deprecated or made jokes about my weight. Not Being Pathetic really shaped me into the person I am, and those changes seem to be permanent. It helped that I am a teacher, one of the few positions where you CAN be fat and taken seriously. But I knew that, and it may be one of the reasons I am a teacher.

That said, these conversations always make me uncomfortable because I think sometimes obese people are quick to tell themselves that they aren't like "real" obese people. It's like a friend of mine, who developed an addiction to cocaine but didn't want to go to NA meetings because they would be full of cokeheads. Yes, he knew he had a problem, yes, he knew he couldn't stop, but he wasn't one of them. He wasn't a nasty, weak-willed cokehead. He just did too much coke.

I think it's easy to be that way about our own weight. Society tells us that fat people are weak, stupid, self-indulgent, pathetic, wimpy, and pitiful. It's easy to believe that, and look at our own fat as somehow an anomaly. Yes, I have too much fat, but I am not a fatty like her. It's how fat people can make nasty comments about other fat people, and it's why people often turn down really good dieting advice because "I don't need that. I am not like other fat people". I think sometimes that is a road block that needs to be overcome.

A long time ago we had someone post here about 3 times and disappear. They said 'I weight 300, and I know you are not going to believe this, but I look like I weigh 190. All my friends agree I look like I weight 190, tops". Now, there is no way in **** someone who weighs 300 looks like 190, but I found the number the girl picked to be interesting: the top of Onederland. To me that says "I have an image of the sort of person who weighs omg 200 lbs. She's the size of a barn, lives on the couch, watches reality tv all day and is covered in a thin layer of Cheeto-dust. I know I don't look like that, so I must look like I weigh 190."

No one here is doing this, I am just saying it's something to think about. When we say we don't feel like we are "really" fat, it's important not to have the subtext be "because people who are "really fat" are stupid lazy bums, and I am not that". Because that isn't true, and that sort of fat-hating is self-destructive in the long run.

dragonwoman64
01-15-2011, 11:07 AM
wow, really thought provoking posts.

In my fantasy, the thin me I think is different, more athletic and physically active -- that's who I'd like to be. As a kid I was heavy, so I never participated in sports much (was embarrassing, and I always got picked last or near last for sports teams in school).

working out at the gym and getting some muscle tone, and actually changing my body through exercise really changed how I looked at my physical self. I'm still heavy, but healthier.

I don't see the fat so much as making me different from who I really am, more like I let it be an excuse and/or reason for not pushing and striving and exploring how I might want to be because I was anxious or afraid or intimidated (and letting the fat make me feel like I didn't deserve as much too).

My fat experiences really are a part of who I am. I don't want to let those experiences stop me for experiencing a thin me, but it is something I feel like I have to deal with all the time -- the fat thinking and way I've defined myself for so long, most of my life.

So I see losing weight as part of me growing (funny, me shrinking = me growing, heh heh)

another thought: I think it can be hard to feel sexually confident when there's such a negative social pressure against bigger sized people. Part of the struggle is personal, and then there's additional prejudice of the outside world.

as for denial, it is a roadblock (another thing I deal with), at the same time I feel like there are times it at least gives me mental/emotional relief. It's like this big swing of feeling HUGE and not being acceptable in society, to giving in to denial thinking I'm just a "little overweight" and it's really not a problem (then I don't have to feel afraid and weak and abbie normal).

The in between and closer to reality is that I'm significantly overweight and it impacts my health and self esteem and I need to face that and take care of it.

ParadiseFalls
01-15-2011, 12:06 PM
I absolutely feel like this. I've been realizing lately that I don't even consider myself a real person a lot of the time. I always put so much stock in the future that I feel like the present isn't even happening. "Next year..." "When I'm not fat..."

Kelleigh
01-15-2011, 12:31 PM
is covered in a thin layer of Cheeto-dust

:rofl: I got a great visual of that description in my head

Kelleigh
01-15-2011, 12:34 PM
"Next year..." "When I'm not fat..."

Sadly, I say this a lot too.

aasshhlleeyy
01-15-2011, 02:19 PM
I have to say defenitely and I think this hits home with many of us overweight women... we're so worried about our outside appearance that we are afraid to let the true us come out. One day I wont have to worry about ths anymore... soon I hope lol then ubby we be happy I will finally have some confidence