General chatter - Bridal Party DRAMA!! help?




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martha328
01-07-2011, 12:43 AM
Okay I will try to make it brief.

Characeters:
Amanda - the maid of honor in my wedding last year who did nothing but whine about the other girls in my bridal party
Rebecca - a girl who is presently getting married this August and I'm her maid of honor
Me - well i am me, and i have flaws like anyone else but i always look out at what is best for other people because that is how i was raised..


So I got married last June and Amanda was known as someone who did nothing for parties or planning. After the wedding we lost touch with each other and everyone that who knows her as well as I do basically kept saying that she was in the wedding to have an excuse to dress up and wear a title. (she really didn't plan anything.. my other girls had to).

Amanda has been friends with Rebecca about 3 years longer than I have. In fact, I have only known Rebecca for 1 year. Rebecca asked me to be her maid of honor a few months after the wedding because she knew of Amanda's reputation for not "fufilling her duties" and she said that I am very crafty and have always been a caring friend in such little time we had known each other. (She had a total of 5 girls to choose from- all that she has known longer) Well this infuriates Amanda and she has made my ears ring for several months now because all she does is bad mouth me for "taking her place". (None of the other girls feel this way -- if anything, they have said very nicely that they were happy I got the role because I love to do these kinds of things) Things such as "Oh she's not even a real friend" "I've known Rebecca longer.." "She is a stranger to Rebecca" and so forth.. I have promised Becca to be civil for the wedding festivities because that is what friends are for, but that I didn't like how Amanda gets to be ugly about all this and not be told anything.. Well Rebecca knows that Amanda says bad things about me.. and often Amanda will tell Rebecca about how she feels about me by saying mean things about me to Rebecca (I know, because Rebecca tells me) and Rebecca DOES NOT DEFEND ME!! (How do i know? Because I ask Rebecca if she has defended me and she says "Oh well you just have to learn how to let things go.."). So I told Rebecca how upset I am about how mean Amanda is being about all this and Rebecca basically brushed it off and told me to just patch things up with Amanda until the wedding is over and then I can do whatever I want. I feel like this isn't fair.. at all.
As a past bride to be, I can understand the fear of drama within a bridal party and would try my best to avoid it.. but to have someone hurt because they don't want to cause drama in your bridal party is not great either..

What do you guys think?

Thanks for reading. :)


cherrypie
01-07-2011, 12:51 AM
how is it your fault that Rebecca asked you and not her? Just tell her she should be mad at rebecca not you.

martha328
01-07-2011, 01:06 AM
But besides me being upset with Amanda, should I be upset with Becca? I just feel so bad all this and it makes standing in her wedding not fun at all..


lizziep
01-07-2011, 02:48 AM
ugh that sucks! how soon is the wedding? maybe it is good to just be the better person, stick it through and then when it's done wash your hands of them all. people's drama is just not even worth it in my opinion.

astrophe
01-07-2011, 04:08 AM
Have you done it so you can stop triangulating? You can't bow out. You promised to be a matron of honor and you promised to be civil for the wedding already.

Maybe just get them both in the room and clear the air straight up and stop with she-said-she-said business.

Conflict happens in life. It is an opportunity for personal growth, there isn't a need to shirk from it. You could face it, clear the air, come out stronger friends and get past this drama crap.

If you can't say it, feel free to print this and give it to them read in the same room so you can talk it out after. Don't email so they can pretend they never got it.


"Are we friends, or not? We say we are friends on top. But there's unfriendliness going on underneath. Apparently you both think it is ok to be mean to me by talking bad about me or ignoring me when I say I'm being hurt. That's not friendship to me.

Rebecca, As a past bride to be, I can understand the fear of drama within a bridal party and would try my best to avoid it.. but to have me be hurt because you don't want to cause drama in your bridal party is not great either.
I'm trying to do my best for you. I've tried to talk to you about this privately in hopes you would deal with it. I'm disappointed that you think it is ok for one friend to bad mouth another one. That doesn't make me feel respected or the work I do for you appreciated."

"Amanda, Rebecca asked me to be matron of honor and you to be a bridesmaid. It is not nice to take out your disappointment by being mean to me. It's like you are dissing me for being the matron of honor when all I did was say yes to helping out. Rebecca is free to choose whoever for her wedding how she wants. It is her wedding.

It's also like you are dissing Rebecca twice -- once for her choice of matron of honor that you don't like and once for choosing you as a bridesmaid -- an honor you don't seem to like either. Why say yes then? You go around telling others how I'm not a real friend to Rebecca. I thought you and I were friends too, and you were even my matron of honor. I am disappointed you think it is ok for one friend to bad mouth another.

I have promised Becca to be civil for the wedding festivities. But I don't like how Amanda gets to be ugly about all this and not be told anything. I would like for us to work all this out so Rebecca and Spouse can be the focus of Rebecca and Spouse's wedding rather that all this side drama. Can we do that?

Hope things look up!

A.

martha328
01-07-2011, 04:04 PM
ugh that sucks! how soon is the wedding? maybe it is good to just be the better person, stick it through and then when it's done wash your hands of them all. people's drama is just not even worth it in my opinion.

The wedding is in August. I could stick it out - - or at least I think I can. I just cannot bring myself to be forgiving to Amanda.. and I feel awful for it.

astrophe you are amazing. That was perfect. I really appreciate you taking time out to help me out with this, because I am going to need it tonight.

lady stardust the same thanks goes to you. I completely agree with all that you have said and plan on using some of the points you made out.

It's weird how you tell people something (like I just told you guys about what is going on) and then you are able to realize different perpectives or pick out things you didn't realize were there.

Today Rebecca has told me that she is sorry for me being so upset about this and that she wants me in the wedding and that I should just blow Amanda off. I tried to explain to her that I can't blow Amanda off if she persists on bad mouthing continuously and the showing face in public. I see it as a slap in the face. It would be different if I never had to see her, because it's not like she would be in my life to have to worry about. But the fact that Amanda is in the bridal party and is acting the way she is -- will make things very difficult. I told Rebecca that Amanda will most likely be the end of Rebecca and I's friendship if this worsens. I'm realizing that I am the better friend and would do anything to make Rebecca happy and she doesn't appreciate it and all because she's too afraid to stand up to a bad friend. I don't see the two of them being friends after this wedding; where as I saw Rebecca and I being friends as we grew older - or at least I did.
I just feel so down about all of this because it's not fair to Rebecca as a bride to be.. but it's not fair to me as a good friend either.

eclipse
01-07-2011, 05:37 PM
I would just ask Rebecca not to repeat any negative things that Amanda has to say about you to you.

lizziep
01-07-2011, 06:37 PM
hmm eclipse has a good point. for someone that doesn't want drama for her wedding, why is she telling you what amanda said and creating more drama? this seems pretty stupid, and not very much the kind of thing a friend would do.
i had to be in a wedding w/ a bridesmaid i could not stand- i just shut my mouth and delt with it because it wasn't my place to say anything. The bride gets what she wants, that's that, it's her day. she wanted her best friends with her and unfortuately we didn't like each other.

i like what astrophe had to say. i think having it out now and moving on is a good idea- especially now that i know there are still seven months to go!

astrophe
01-08-2011, 01:53 AM
I didn't realize it was 7 mos out... that is still plenty of time to bow out if you need too. I thought it was like next month!

I just feel so down about all of this because it's not fair to Rebecca as a bride to be.. but it's not fair to me as a good friend either.


Your bride doesn't seem like a strong leader type. But it is still the bride's job as the common link to keep peace in the bridal party and smooth the way if people are acting out. All these sisters, cousins, friends etc all know HER, but not necessarily each other. They may not even like each other and try to turn it into a "who loves/knows the bride best" contest. That Amanda bridesmaid seems to fall in that category.

At least today Rebecca acknowledged your feelings and suggested blowing Amanda off. Still not the best solution, but she's coming around to admitting there IS a problem rather than trying to run away from it or hide it under the rug.

If the bride needs help making the hard choices, maybe help her out and just make it easy.

"Rebecca, sometimes being a good friend is knowing when to bow out. There's all this bridal party drama over my being the matron of honor. I know you wouldn't dream of taking it back since you already asked me... but seriously. Would it just be easier on you if I bow out and just come support your wedding as a regular guest? I'd like the focus of you and Spouse's wedding to be you and spouse. Not all this side drama. So how about I just bow out and be a guest, and you and I can be friends without all this stress causing strain between us."

If you feel generous, you could offer a cash wedding gift to help reprint anything that had you listed as maid of honor. If not, you don't have to -- had the bride gotten her leadership together sooner this all wouldn't be happening!

But don't let wedding hooha and the fact that she's not a strong bride type make you crazy. Rebecca may not have known this about herself until she was actually there. She isn't going to be a bride forever. Most people plan/are in weddings once or a few times over a whole life. Not every single year!

So if Rebecca-as-Bride has turned out to have some weak traits, at least you know Rebecca-as-Bride is not the Rebecca that's on the front burner all the time. You could still be friends once this Bride business is past.

Take care of your own needs. With 7 months out, the bride still has plenty of time to sort the rest out on her own.

I just cannot bring myself to be forgiving to Amanda.. and I feel awful for it.

Don't confuse "forgive" with "reconcile."

In life I've learned that to "forgive and forget" means simply to "let resentment go, move on and not let it eat you up inside." Just the simple passing of time can make it easier to do. You do not have to forgive right this minute. Eventually you will feel better and be able to forgive and forget Amanda. Don't sweat it.

"Reconcile and make ammends" is a whole other deal, and some people aren't worth reconciling with. She doesn't sound like a good friend to have. Besides, you are the one who has to be willing to reconcile, and she'd me the one who'd have to apologize and make ammends. So until she apologies first you don't even have to worry about "Well, should I allow myself to reconcile or not? And what sort of ammends does she need to make?" So you don't have to sweat that right now either. :)

A.

martha328
01-09-2011, 07:09 PM
Thanks astrophe :) your words are definitely something i needed to hear after these past two days.

I have spoken with Rebecca and told her that I will be keeping my peace with Amanda as long as it has to do with any planning or parties. Outside of that, I have no other reason to speak with her and do not intend to. She is not the same person I once knew and I know that as soon as this wedding is over she will not be around. In fact, the only reason we are in each others lives right now is because we just so happen to be in the same wedding. Thanks everyone for all your help. It's greatly appreciated :)

Ursula745
01-09-2011, 07:33 PM
Sounds like to me that no one wants to confront anyone.

Tell Amanda that you are hearing that she is saying things about you since Becca asked you to be her maid of honor. Ask her what are issues are with it. And, they are HER issues. Then tell her if she doesn't like it, to discuss it with Becca.

Tell Becca to "woman up" and tell Amanda why she didn't choose her and that Amanda can be happy and agreeable in the position for which she was chosen, or she can go on her marry little way. Becca needs to do this so you aren't Amanda's target for Becca's decision.

Of course, this is how I would handle it. It's up to you, but this just seems ridiculous to me and very stressful, which I would remove from my life.

martha328
01-09-2011, 11:29 PM
Sounds like to me that no one wants to confront anyone.

Tell Amanda that you are hearing that she is saying things about you since Becca asked you to be her maid of honor. Ask her what are issues are with it. And, they are HER issues. Then tell her if she doesn't like it, to discuss it with Becca.

Tell Becca to "woman up" and tell Amanda why she didn't choose her and that Amanda can be happy and agreeable in the position for which she was chosen, or she can go on her marry little way. Becca needs to do this so you aren't Amanda's target for Becca's decision.

Of course, this is how I would handle it. It's up to you, but this just seems ridiculous to me and very stressful, which I would remove from my life.

Thanks for your response. And you're right.. Becca nor Amanda want to confront anyone. Becca says Amanda hasn't asked her why she picked me but that she will not pry either. Becca also says that Amanda refuses to speak to me because she has nothing to say to me (although doesn't have a problem keeping my name in her mouth behind my back).

I do plan on questioning Amanda eventually. I didn't want to do it now because I'm still fired up from all this and have a tendency to spit fire when I am angry :( (Not a good quality, I know).
I have told Becca that it is her responsibility to own up for her own decisions and she didn't like it very much, but it's the truth. I told her that expects me to be the friend she likes me to be that she has to respect me as one.
For now, I'm just letting things die down until I see Amanda again (which I know won't be until another week or so at a dress fitting). If she decides to childishly lash out - I hope Becca and the rest of the bridal party can see how she really is, because I refuse to stoop down to her level to lash back. I will, however, let her know after all is said and done how I feel when I can just get her and I together because it's not for the rest of the party or Becca to hear. :)