General chatter - Being Obese and Dating and Reality TV and the Dreaded D-Word




milliondollarbbw
01-05-2011, 12:19 AM
So, I was watching reality tv tonight, and I saw something that really bothered me.

The lady was on a reality tv dating show. She had a lot of money, and she wanted a good looking guy. He wanted her money. She paid for dinner, and she agreed to help him in his endeavors economically. It was so sad to watch.

It got me thinking....as a big woman who was not raised in a family full of big women or with positive big women as role models, I did not learn how I should interact with men when it comes to dating.

I tend to be very assertive, and I often offer to go dutch or sometimes even pay for the date. I was never taught not to, and I just thought it was normal. As I have done more soul searching, I realize that I do try to do so much in a relationship as a way to maybe make up for imperfections I have.

I wonder, how many of us, as big women, have not been taught our value as women in society? I often have friends talk about how men salivate over what we have to offer (ahem, sex), but often, I find that I am jumping up and down in the middle of the street with a sign and having very few guys, except for some weirdos and the rare really cool guy, even pay me any attention.

Over time, as a big woman, many of us may not have had the normal dating experiences, at least in terms of having a lot of attention.

Have any of you, honestly, ever felt the dreaded d-word----desperate? And do you think that feeling is more a result of how you are raised or how society views us, versus our true strength and beauty and all of the good things that we possess?


mandalinn82
01-05-2011, 12:41 AM
. As I have done more soul searching, I realize that I do try to do so much in a relationship as a way to maybe make up for imperfections I have.

I do this sometimes, even at goal. I think it's less a weight issue and more a self-confidence issue. It's when I feel most like I'm not worthy of love that I start with the overtures. It took a lot of work to NOT feel that way, but that work actually took place before I lost weight, and had nothing to do with my weight. In fact, I had a lot of trouble losing weight at all until I convinced myself that I was a person worthy of treating well (by eating healthy foods, exercising, and taking care of myself). Only by realizing my own worth did I both start losing weight AND start realizing that I don't have to give up all sorts of concessions in order to make up for who I am, romantically or otherwise.

So, I have experienced this, but I don't think it was about my weight. It was about my unstable sense of self worth.

I have been "desperate" though, for sure. At the start of my relationship with my wife, I conceded on basically every argument or major decision because I was terrified that she'd figure out I wasn't worth being with and would leave. And it honestly almost ruined our relationship that I did! So I DO understand...but again, for me, it wasn't weight-related.

milliondollarbbw
01-05-2011, 12:49 AM
So true! :) I feel like I think I have so much to offer in a relationship and am a good person---there is just this juxtapose that as a bigger person, less men are attracted to excess weight, so I think I try to shine as much as possible so that the weight doesn't seem like such a big issue. However, people are attracted to what they are attracted to, and you can't really change that (nor should you try to or have to).


Nola Celeste
01-05-2011, 02:27 AM
In a general sense, no. For a particular man? Oh my, yes. I didn't polish my toenails for a year after meeting and being smitten with my husband because he made an offhand comment about "I don't know why women do that." I love polished toenails, but...well, if he didn't, then bare they would be.

That's a fairly lighthearted example of the partner-pleasing behavior I used to do, but there were plenty of more serious instances, too. I used to bite my tongue on a fair number of disagreements because I wanted him--the "him" changed from month to month or year to year, but there's pretty much always at least one "him"--to like me more.

I have to say, though, that it was never weight-related one way or the other. If I felt rejected--and even now as a longtime married person, I still cringe at the memory of both rejections I'd gotten in the past--I felt totally rejected--intellectually, morally, physically, emotionally, you name it. (Heh, can you guess I didn't take it well? :D) If the almighty crush didn't like me, it was because I was completely unacceptable, not simply big.

One great thing about getting older is that people-pleasing has become less important. I'd never want to be disagreeable intentionally, but at the same time, I like what I like and it doesn't matter so much who doesn't like it. My toenails are currently a vibrant metallic purple and I love 'em. ;)

Meggie Girl
01-05-2011, 02:45 AM
I suppose when I was younger - in my college days - none of the kids (yes my friends & I) had any money so it was the accepted thing to go dutch. Also, there is still an element of Australian male that feel if they spring for dinner, then it's an automatic that dessert will be thrown in so, it's probably safer to go dutch. If you in a more semi permanent relationship, I think it's okay to take it in turns or if he takes care of dinner, then maybe organise a picnic or an home cooked meal. Even now with friends, we usually split the bill. It usually works out fairly even.

nelie
01-05-2011, 09:23 AM
Actually, I was always told by my friends that I was too picky. I figured I had the right to be picky. My mom is someone who can not be alone and really finds value in herself when she is in a relationship. As a result, I think she has had some bad relationships. She has always been chubby (although her highest weight is probably somewhere around 180) and that may have played a part in that. That is not what I wanted.

For me, I liked being single and being out of a relationship. I have had a few but I was usually the one to break off the relationships, not the guy I was dating. And in terms of trying to please them? Well my ex boyfriend told me he loved long hair, I told him I was going to cut all mine off :) And in terms of paying for meals? Well I think that is something you need to work out with someone you are with. I've always had guys pay for my meals for the first few dates at least although I'm more of an equality type person and figure that I rather go back and forth on who pays rather than splitting a check.

At the time I started dating my husband, I wasn't really expecting or even wanting a relationship but it happened. I weighed 300 lbs at the time and all my other relationships were while I was 300 lbs or more.

milliondollarbbw
01-06-2011, 02:56 AM
Actually, I was always told by my friends that I was too picky. I figured I had the right to be picky. My mom is someone who can not be alone and really finds value in herself when she is in a relationship. As a result, I think she has had some bad relationships. She has always been chubby (although her highest weight is probably somewhere around 180) and that may have played a part in that. That is not what I wanted.

For me, I liked being single and being out of a relationship. I have had a few but I was usually the one to break off the relationships, not the guy I was dating. And in terms of trying to please them? Well my ex boyfriend told me he loved long hair, I told him I was going to cut all mine off :) And in terms of paying for meals? Well I think that is something you need to work out with someone you are with. I've always had guys pay for my meals for the first few dates at least although I'm more of an equality type person and figure that I rather go back and forth on who pays rather than splitting a check.

At the time I started dating my husband, I wasn't really expecting or even wanting a relationship but it happened. I weighed 300 lbs at the time and all my other relationships were while I was 300 lbs or more.

I really do think that how we are raised makes a big difference in terms of dating, self esteem, etc. I was not raised negatively, but I just did not have any positive female role models, so all I had of early development was schoolyard taunts, ya know?

I also think that I definitely like guys waaaaay too much to be single.....I have been single for long periods of time, but as I get older, I feel like I want to date more.

Everyone on this site is so amazing and genuine and I really like that. I am sending big smiles and enthusiasm to everyone who is so supportive here.

Nola Celeste
01-06-2011, 03:48 AM
Ahhh, men, I love 'em! It was so hard to pick just one. That's one of the things to love about the single life--you don't have to pick just one. :D

milliondollarbbw
01-06-2011, 11:56 AM
Ahhh, men, I love 'em! It was so hard to pick just one. That's one of the things to love about the single life--you don't have to pick just one. :D

Ha! Yes, I admit that I am found of the male gender. Ha! But, I can't date more than one at once cause it would be soooo awkward to call one by the wrong name!!

Also, I have to admit that I am realizing that while I do have my own issues when it comes to dating, sometimes, sometimes, the dude himself has some serious issues.

Good advice: If you are dating a guy who had kids--look at how he treats the mother of his children (let's keep it classy and refrain from baby-momma). If he treats the mother horribly, that could be an indication of how he may treat you one day.....

milliondollarbbw
01-06-2011, 09:06 PM
I did some good thinking last night and today, and I am feeling better on the relationship front. I feel like the guy I dated recently wasn't a bad person, just that we ultimately weren't the best for each other. I also feel that he may have been mean to other girlfriends as well, and I think that maybe it is for the best that we never hooked up. I don't think I would want all of that crazy drama if we had gotten serious....seems like he has a lot of women in his life and I don't think he treats them very well in general.

I am dating someone new (I know, maybe too soon, but I am taking it slow), and I am not thinking about rushing into anything or pushing marriage or anything like that. I am just thinking about enjoying that person's company and maybe enjoying a guy treating me nicely for a change.

I didn't overeat today and that is very important to me. I will work on reducing my sugar intake over the weekend. I have been eating more salads, so I am happy about that at least.

Nola Celeste
01-07-2011, 05:56 AM
Boo, hiss to men who don't treat other people decently! While I admit I find "nice guys" boring, it isn't too much to ask to find a kind guy. My mom always said to look out for how a man treats restaurant personnel on a date; if he's a jerk to the waiter, bartender, or valet, RUN. :D

Living well is definitely the best revenge we can have on cads.

As for "too soon"--feh, by whose account? I hope you have a fantastic time with Mister Right (or Mister Right-Now, if that turns out to be the case).

Congratulations on taking such good care of yourself! Feels good to do that, doesn't it? :)

nelie
01-07-2011, 10:04 AM
Well honestly I wouldn't worry about marriage or what not. If that is the path your relationship takes then it'll happen naturally. Prior to dating my husband, I wasn't interested in getting married. After a year of dating my husband, we discussed it and then 4 months later we were married. It all happened very quickly but also naturally. I had dated other guys for a year and never thought of marriage.

milliondollarbbw
01-09-2011, 06:46 PM
Well, I want to thank everyone for their support on this weightloss journey of mine.

I really need to take a step away from dating for a bit and focus on my weight. I am so tired of seeing event photos taken of me where I think I am looking good, and the camera does not hide that I weigh over 300lbs....sure, pics I take of my photos make me look less than 300lbs, but those other photos do not. Sigh. It makes me realize how out of control my weight is and how that is really messing with my life.

As for the guy that I was seeing who started putting me down....it turns out that most of what he told me was probably a lie. I can't even be sure that he even likes bigger women or if he even really liked me at all. He may have just been with me because he was lonely. I do realize that when someone likes to you THAT much, from the very beginning, they have a lot of issues best to not be around or deal with. On one hand I feel really stupid about the whole thing, on another hand you can't control people that lie compulsively. I mean, he lied when I had told him I was just fine with dating casually, and he pushed for more of an LTR. I do realize that it is so much better that we are not talking or seeing each other. I need to surround myself with people that respect and care for me.

My weight is so so....I am stressed a lot so I have been eating A LOT more lately. I also was nauseous for a few months (no lie), so every time I ate a bit too much or got that full feeling, I would get sick. Now, I feel ok, but still try and eating smaller amounts at one sitting. I now need to just eat a lot more protein, cut out the sugar, bread, cookies, crackers, and pasta, and drink tons more water and hopefully the weight will start to go below 300lbs.

Thank you all for your support and encouragement. You are an amazing group of people. :)

Nola Celeste
01-09-2011, 07:42 PM
"Looking good" and "over 300 pounds" are NOT mutually exclusive. :) You will undoubtedly feel better as you lose weight, both physically and emotionally, but please don't fall into the trap of "I thought I looked good, but I really didn't." All it does is make you want to cringe at a past that you cannot now change; I know this because I used to do the same thing.

You DID look good--you just looked 300 pounds good and soon you'll look 250 pounds good, 200 pounds good, and so on. ;)

And do not feel stupid for being taken in by a liar. Some of them are very, very good at what they do. It's how they feed. It's how they live. My husband had a friend--more of an acquaintance, really--who had a "system" with women. The key, his friend swore, was to treat a woman like gold for six weeks, then act cold and distant without offering a reason why. According to him, his target would then do anything she could to get back into his good graces, figuring that she must have done something wrong to make him turn so cold.

Sick? You bet. I couldn't stand this guy and was glad that my husband no longer counted him a friend by the time he and I met. But a lot of inveterate liars know that little trick, whether consciously or unconsciously, and it's not the victim's fault if she wanders into such a trap.

You're too good for creeps in your life--and you're only going to get better from here, given your desire to treat yourself well. The more you get in the habit of eating well, the easier it becomes and the more satisfying your results. :)

Nebuchadnezzar
01-10-2011, 03:46 AM
I think I have been the opposite of desperate because of my weight, really. I'm rather closed off and solitary, though its possible this is because of a diagnosis of Schizotypal Personality Disorder...which I don't quite buy.

I actually get angry at my thinner friends for ALWAYS having to date someone just to function correctly and live in fear that if I become small, I might become one of them. I've dated though, lots. I just can't stand the thought of someone being in my space or questioning my thoughts, moods and motives for too long.

...It irks me.

I'll tell you what people do say, though. They think I am this way *because* I am fat and that I must be secretely desperate for love and always jealous of thin folk. Like I want to "bring them down" to my level of the misery they always assume I have.

Because yaknow, us Land-whales are emotionally crippled, stupid and petty just because we don't get the same attention as the "pretty" girls.

/end rant.

MiZTaCCen
01-10-2011, 10:26 AM
As for the guy that I was seeing who started putting me down....


One thing I learned over 25 years of my life...if you can't love yourself no one is going to love you. as for the dickwad that was putting you down you did the right thing in kicking his butt to the curb.

It doesn't matter what size you are you should always be treated with respect. The second respect leaves so should he. Don't let it get you down though, if you think you should take a step back from the dating world and focus on yourself do it.
(men will start coming once you stop looking...seriously lol)

When I decided to get back into the dating game I allowed one guy in (the first guy who kind of reminded me of my ex but he was a pumpus jackass) and I was a needy and desparet when it came to him...but the truth was I forgot how to play the game. After him and I were done I was like oh yes, now I remember and went back full force and was a multiple dater. I had 3 dates in one weekend from 3 different guys. One who I currently hang out with no were just friends I can't see myself getting into a relationship with him, not now, not ever but we seem to have some weird friendship thing going on.

I don't really know how he feels about me and the truth is I don't actually care as much because I'm into someone else who I am extermely attracted to (who works in my building I see him once in a while). Focus on you, enjoy life and when one guy comes around still keep your options open because there are so many other guys out there.

milliondollarbbw
01-10-2011, 12:33 PM
I think I have been the opposite of desperate because of my weight, really. I'm rather closed off and solitary, though its possible this is because of a diagnosis of Schizotypal Personality Disorder...which I don't quite buy.

I actually get angry at my thinner friends for ALWAYS having to date someone just to function correctly and live in fear that if I become small, I might become one of them. I've dated though, lots. I just can't stand the thought of someone being in my space or questioning my thoughts, moods and motives for too long.

...It irks me.

I'll tell you what people do say, though. They think I am this way *because* I am fat and that I must be secretely desperate for love and always jealous of thin folk. Like I want to "bring them down" to my level of the misery they always assume I have.

Because yaknow, us Land-whales are emotionally crippled, stupid and petty just because we don't get the same attention as the "pretty" girls.

/end rant.

(hugs) --- I do admit that the land whales comment made me smile a bit...but only because whales are very smart creatures, they are majestic, they rule the oceans, and we have not yet even begun to measure their true abilities and capacities, but we treat them just like really big fish. So, if someone wants to think of me as a land whale, well, then go right ahead. I will go swimmingly along.... :)

You are a good person...never forget that!