General chatter - Venting!!!!!!!




View Full Version : Venting!!!!!!!


tattoodles
12-30-2010, 05:44 PM
So my younger sister just called to tell me that her boyfriend is planning on proposing soon. One small catch though: she's still married to her first husband!!!!! They're almost divorced. But she was engaged once BEFORE her current husband.

What I don't understand is how she has had three guys want to marry her and most of the guys I go out with won't even say "I love you". And then they marry the next girl they go out with. That's happened to me SEVEN times now.

I don't feel like I'm ready for marriage yet (I'm 24), but it would kinda be nice even once if someone would like/love me enough to want to marry me. I should probably be happy for my sis, but I sort of always assumed when we were growing up that I'd be the first to walk down the isle.

Ugh.


vdander24
12-30-2010, 05:59 PM
I want to tell you everything you have probably heard from your girlfriends... Your time will come, and when it does, you will be happy it did! I don't want to be negative, but your sister is younger than you.... younger than 24, and has already experienced "love.... then divorce.... then love again?" Do you want that? Focus on loving you, and the rest will follow! Live your life to the fullest, and as confidently as you can... you will have a great time, and guys find that immensely attractive. As for your sister, I don't know whether you should feel happy or sorry for her. Good luck!

Ashley829
12-30-2010, 06:01 PM
I'm sorry that you feel this way. And you are right, 24 is still very young so don't get discouraged or base what your love life should be off your sisters, especially since the 3 engagements seems like she isn't very successful in the long run, even if she can find someone to propose to her. I don't say that to be rude, just to remind you that you are waiting on something that will last and you have plenty of time to find that love that will make it.


ArcticFrogs
12-30-2010, 06:15 PM
Not to be a *****, but it sounds like her ideas and standards regarding marriage are skewed. Making the commitment to spend the rest of your life with someone else while you're still in the process of bailing on the first time you went through with that promise...doesn't bode well for long-term stability.

I'm not trying to judge her, promise. Life hands us all sorts of situations, and we all know that we don't get to plan the timing as we'd like. However, the point I'm trying to make is that if she's (more or less) churning through marriage possibilities, how happy can she really be in and with any of them?

Be happy for her, sure, but be wary for her as well. I know absolutely nothing of your lives, but could she be going from marriage to marriage because of self-esteem issues? Just from what you've written, it sounds to me that there could be something far deeper at work here than her being prime marriage material.

I don't feel like I'm ready for marriage yet (I'm 24), but it would kinda be nice even once if someone would like/love me enough to want to marry me.

I know that you're venting, so I may be saying this for no reason, but keep in mind that someone loving you enough to marry you does not necessarily make them the person that you want to spend the rest of your life with. Just making sure you're not feeling like you'll have to leap at the chance when it's offered...because that's not the case at all.

but I sort of always assumed when we were growing up that I'd be the first to walk down the isle.

Again, not to be a *****, but maybe you'll be the first to walk down the aisle and actually make it last?

tattoodles
12-30-2010, 06:16 PM
I do agree with what you said Ashley and in my head I know it's true, it's just been frustrating. Not just the part with my sister, but I also don't understand why I'm always the girlfriend before "the one".

tattoodles
12-30-2010, 06:28 PM
I know that you're venting, so I may be saying this for no reason, but keep in mind that someone loving you enough to marry you does not necessarily make them the person that you want to spend the rest of your life with. Just making sure you're not feeling like you'll have to leap at the chance when it's offered...because that's not the case at all.



Again, not to be a *****, but maybe you'll be the first to walk down the aisle and actually make it last?

I have no intention of settling. And I generally LIKE being single. I like having free time, not having to check in with anyone, etc. . .the only time it's really bothered me is with these engagements (hers and all my exes). Especially cuz a couple of the guys ended up with really mean wives. It's a bit of a blow to the self esteem when a guy marries someone who's mean and controlling but doesn't even say they loved me.

Andejean
12-30-2010, 06:32 PM
just remember, you don't need to worry about being his "the one" until you've found your "the one". Sounds like the right one hasn't found you yet. but he will! (though it will be a little harder now since you keep getting smaller! :D )

weightgame
12-30-2010, 07:00 PM
you are just not dating the right type of guys. And you said your sister has had 3 engagements and one failed marriage obviously the first 2 didn't work out I would rather wait for the right guy and be married once than go through engagements and weddings like they are nothing

winning the war
12-30-2010, 08:10 PM
My older sister was very upset that I got married before her. It happens for everyone at different times in their life. My sister has never really been happy for me and spent many years waiting for my marriage to fail. I think it's part of the reason why she married the man she did (he's a great guy, but they're really not happy). Please don't get caught up in who does what first, just know that you're "one" is out there and you'll find each other when the time is right. In the meantime, enjoy your freedom and have fun with your life :hat:

tattoodles
12-30-2010, 08:47 PM
Sounds like the right one hasn't found you yet. but he will! (though it will be a little harder now since you keep getting smaller! :D )

Haha. Thanks. :)

And to be fair, I know a big reason a couple of my relationships failed does have to do with the fact that I 100% do NOT want kids. It's surprising how hard it is to find a guy who is ok with that.

A7X
12-30-2010, 09:07 PM
So my younger sister just called to tell me that her boyfriend is planning on proposing soon. One small catch though: she's still married to her first husband!!!!! They're almost divorced. But she was engaged once BEFORE her current husband.

What I don't understand is how she has had three guys want to marry her and most of the guys I go out with won't even say "I love you". And then they marry the next girl they go out with. That's happened to me SEVEN times now.

I don't feel like I'm ready for marriage yet (I'm 24), but it would kinda be nice even once if someone would like/love me enough to want to marry me. I should probably be happy for my sis, but I sort of always assumed when we were growing up that I'd be the first to walk down the isle.

Ugh.

You shouldn't let the green-eyed monster get the better of you.

Why would you want guys throwing around the love word for you when they don't mean it, anyway? To be honest, I think you have the better deal. Think about it... You've never been divorced... And she has already and yet she's younger than you?

I personally wouldn't care as long as I get my happy ending as well, no matter when. And I am sure you will. Your time will come. You said yourself you're too young and you're not ready for it, so why care so much? Why get upset over it? Just be happy for your sister and let it go. :goodluck:

bargoo
12-30-2010, 09:09 PM
You are concerned that somebody hasn't said he loves you. Be thankful that someone doesn't say it that doesn't mean it.

tattoodles
12-30-2010, 09:19 PM
There are other issues here that come into play here. Getting date raped and finding out I was pregnant from it didn't exactly help my self esteem. I know I deserve someone amazing and I'm just going to wait for that.

Expunge
12-31-2010, 01:21 AM
Quality over quantity. Wait patiently, make it count, and you will reap the rewards.

Have you gotten counseling for the date rape issue? It sounds like you could probably really benefit from it. I'm so sorry that happened to you, and I think if you focus on victim recovery steps it may help.

tattoodles
12-31-2010, 02:09 AM
I did go to counseling, and maybe could use more but it's not in the budget. :-/

MiZTaCCen
12-31-2010, 10:12 AM
What I don't understand is how she has had three guys want to marry her and most of the guys I go out with won't even say "I love you". And then they marry the next girl they go out with. That's happened to me SEVEN times now.



Oh story of my life..All my ex's have married the next girl right after me...but you want to know the truth about those ex's I wouldn't marry them anyways. They have all said I love you to me and the relationship had fail in one way or another and the next girl that came along they were engaged and ended up getting married.

I understand your frusteration but the only thing I see with your sister is she has clearly NEVER been in love and to her marriage is a game. Like when we were kids we'd play house. Let her get married, then get divorce god knows how many times it will happen but that's her choice in life and as much as it sucks...be happy that it's not YOU go through that crap.

A lot of people around me are married, have married young, having children la de da da...but you want to know something I've noticed with these "young" married couples. They're husbands cheat. They continue on having kids with them in order to think that they will stay. Eventually it's going to become a world of hurt and then what? I'm sorry but what man is really going to want a young 20 something with 3 or 5 kids from another man...good luck with that. (not all theres like 1 or 2 out of the married people I know in their 20's that have a good man by their sides...but thats hard to find)

Just be happy with yourself, and be happy for your sister though she seems a little off to me...no offence. One day someone great will come for you and you'll be happy you don't have to say..."yea I was young dumb and divorce once before"

Ciao
01-03-2011, 12:58 PM
http://farm6.static.flickr.com/5286/5270505190_3f6c4a0d5a.jpg

:hug: I agree with everyone else.
You'll be so happy and excited once it
comes time for you to walk down the isle.

http://farm6.static.flickr.com/5161/5269916959_e986e6e58e.jpg

natamars
01-03-2011, 01:08 PM
tattoodles, 24 is so young! I was supposed to get married at 22(finace broke off the engagement) and looking back, I think, what was I thinking? I spent way too much of my 20's worrying about getting married instead of focusing on things like travel, career, getting an advanced degree, and improving myself. I met my husband at 24, we married at 29, and I really wish I'd met him later. We raised his children from a previous marriage and now have a child together, and it will be years before I can focus on myself again. Enjoy every minute!!!

Lady Stardust
01-03-2011, 05:50 PM
I have no intention of settling. And I generally LIKE being single. I like having free time, not having to check in with anyone, etc. . .the only time it's really bothered me is with these engagements (hers and all my exes). Especially cuz a couple of the guys ended up with really mean wives. It's a bit of a blow to the self esteem when a guy marries someone who's mean and controlling but doesn't even say they loved me.

Sure, your sister has been engaged three times, but one was called off, and the other ended in divorce. It's nice to hear those words but only when the man means it and when it sticks. You don't want to be in your sister's situation. Divorce sucks. And I thunk its really telling that a couple of your exes wound up with mean and controlling wives. Some guys like controlling women, or they just can't have enough confidence to stand up to them so they marry them. I think it means that you're not like that. You're not mean and controlling. And simply put, every guy that breaks up with you isn't meant for
you. Don't fall for the first guy who says it either. I think you might be in love with the idea of being in love, theres nothing wrong with that. Sure, its nice to have that, but at the end of the day, you're in a much better situation than your sister and all of your exes who married mean women.

When its the right time and the right person, it'll happen, and it'll be awesome.

Lady Stardust
01-03-2011, 05:59 PM
Another thing, this might sound weird, but the whole children thing, for a lot of men, it has to do with passing down the family name. My fiancÚ is the last one in the family to pass down the name, he is an only child (technically he has a half sister) and two female cousins. Not having kids isn't an option, and further, not having a boy isnt an option. Lame, I know. But I'd date older men with brothers. Try an online dating site and men in their early 30s. A lot of guys in their 20s still don't know what they want. But there are plenty of men who don't want children.

tattoodles
01-03-2011, 06:53 PM
Try an online dating site and men in their early 30s. A lot of guys in their 20s still don't know what they want. But there are plenty of men who don't want children.

I can't do online dating. I tried once and lasted about three days. I was getting a lot of messages, but they'd be from guys going, "Your name starts with a K?! My middle name ends with a 'K'; we have so much in common!!!!" or they'd fixate on one thing that I wrote down and ask a million questions about it. I know it's a way to break the ice but was way too overwhelming for me.

And I don't like dating. All the guys I've gone out with have been friends first and we enjoyed spending time together and then went out. My most recent ex was my tattoo artist and after working on my back piece for 10 months (and talking for hours after each session) we knew each other pretty well and started going out.

I have issues with the idea of two people basically trying to "sell" themselves as a good potential dating/marriage partner. And have had a couple of VERY bad experieces being set up on dates by friends.

Unfortunately I have a job where I do not have any co-workers (male or female) and the only men I'm around are married and have children. So that's part of what gets irritating too.

I'm not in love with love at all. I want to be loved, but all people are that way. I honestly think that's why so many people have kids is to fill that void and have that sort of unconditional love.

Also (a couple of people have eluded to this, so just to claridy) I have never said that I just want someone to be throwing the word "love" around, I want someone to say it and mean it. I don't think it's a lot to ask.

Lady Stardust
01-03-2011, 07:15 PM
Of course that's not too much to ask, but it just sounded like you were comparing yourself to your sister.

I think a question you need to ask yourself is if you really do want a partner. You say you don't like dating and have wound up dating friends and have never sought out partners, that it just kind of happens. And while I think that is the best way to meet someone, and have a relationship, you honestly dont sound too enthusiastic about having a relationship, at least right now.

I think you shouldn't focus on your sister or your exes getting married. Sure, it's nice to have someone, and to be loved, but you are loved by your friends and family.

GabrielleEmersyn
01-06-2011, 02:31 AM
My sister is 24 & has been married & divorced once - she's now engaged to be married again, with a bub on the way..... & I'm just as single as ever... it makes me kind of jealous...

milliondollarbbw
01-06-2011, 03:21 AM
((hugs))

Try not to let it bother you....I know I am being a hypocrite, cause it isn't as easily done as it is said.

I will say this....I have had those times (often), when I see other people getting married and proposed to and just generally wanted romantically, and well, it makes me a bit bitter and upset and hurt at times.

Why?

Well, when it is a good person like my best friend or someone I respect, then it doesn't bother me at all. But when I see people who are focused a bit too much on the exterior, or feel they are superior to others because of how much money they have, or, can't put together a sentence but have men fighting over them, then yeah, I start getting kind of upset and I guess people would call it bitter.

I feel like I have a lot to offer emotionally and mentally, but because I am not thin I don't know if there is a decent guy out there that wants to make my eggs happy. Sigh.

BUT, you can't let that kind of frustration and bitterness upset you.

Be happy for your sister and be happy for the marriage proposal. YOU WILL MEET THE RIGHT PERSON FOR YOU! Just be strong and keep the faith, and keep yourself focused on making yourself happy. A great guy will see and be attracted to your level of good self-esteem and happiness.

NYGiantsGirl
01-07-2011, 02:43 PM
:(

I feel your pain -- I was a "lid loosener" too. And I'm really sorry about the awful stuff that happened to you.

But this will work for good in the end -- I'll echo everyone else who said that he's out there, and that you'll find him. It's absolutely true.

Mickeypnd
01-07-2011, 03:11 PM
i know it sucks. But once you meet that one guy that ells you he loves you, and means it, the wait will be worth it. To hear someone tell you those three magical words and truly deeply mean it is a wonderful feeling.

try not to think about dating too much. Once you place your needs and things in order, the perfect guy will come along.

tattoodles
01-20-2011, 07:52 PM
So...my sis and I were discussing this whole situation and she said she'd rather be me, almost 25 and never married than be 23 and divorced. I guess we always want what someone else has.

astrophe
01-20-2011, 09:04 PM
I'm sorry you feel bad. :( And I hope you feel better soon. :hug:

To me it sounds like your sister is rushing for some reason... who knows why. So far it isn't ending up in choosing permanent partners wisely... so while it is her life, and her own process to figure out... don't be getting jealous of that! She's only 23 and she's living life awfully fast!

To me it sounds like you know what you want for yourself -- def.. child-free. Not ready right this minute, but open to marriage... eventually.

And just because past BF's wanted something different doesn't mean that what YOU want for YOU is wrong or flawed somehow. It's simply going to take a bit longer to find.

It will happen for you when it happens. Just have fun in the meanwhile circulating, being social with your friends, doing your activities, hobbies, etc.

And when you date, lay that out what it is you are looking for on the table a little sooner. Say you aren't ready for marriage, but open to it eventually. Say you want no children. Weed out the ones that aren't even going to be a runner for you early because they are def. about wanting kids, or def about marrying ASAP or on some other kind of speed/timetable.

When you find yourself in a relationship that looks like it might be a long distance runner... You can be the first one to say "I love you" or the first one to propose. You don't have to wait on the guy.

Just as you want to be told you are loved and have it MEAN something, you too can wait to say it til it MEANS something.

GL!
A.