Alternachicks - Just for laughs!




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mauvaisroux
11-17-2002, 10:21 PM
Actual Headilines Collected by Journalists:

POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIGN TO RUN DOWN JAYWALKERS

SAFETY EXPERTS SAY SCHOOL BUS PASSENGERS SHOULD BE BELTED

DRUNK GETS SIX MONTHS IN VIOLIN CASE

SURVIVOR OF SIAMESE TWINS JOINS PARENTS

FARMER BILL DIES IN HOUSE

IRAQI HEAD SEEKS ARMS

SOVIET VIRGIN LANDS SHORT OF GOAL AGAIN

BRITISH LEFT WAFFLES ON FALKLAND ISLANDS

LUNG CANCER IN WOMEN MUSHROOMS

EYE DROPS OFF SHELF

TEACHER STRIKES IDLE KIDS

REAGAN WINS ON BUDGET, BUT MORE LIES AHEAD

SQUAD HELPS DOG BITE BICTIM

ENRAGED COW INJURES FARMER WITH AXE

:lol:


katrinabgood
11-18-2002, 02:09 PM
THE REAL MEANINGS OF PMS

1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Swings
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. Provide Me Sweets
6. Pardon My Sobbing
7. Pimples May Surface
8. Pass My Sweatpants
9. Pissy Mood Syndrome
10. Primarily Men Suck
11. Pack My Suitcase
12. Permanent Menstrual Syndrome

...and my favorite...

13. POTENTIAL MURDER SUSPECT

katrinabgood
11-19-2002, 05:38 PM
This 45 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her a while then says, "You look ridiculous! What on earth do you think you're doing?"

She says, "I just got my checkup and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old." She starts laughing and
jumping again.

He says, "Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 45 year-old ***?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.


ellis
11-19-2002, 06:57 PM
Good ones, girls. :lol:

mauvaisroux
11-19-2002, 10:50 PM
Those were great Kat!
I loved the one about the 45 year old ***!
ROFLMAO!

ellis
11-20-2002, 08:50 AM
Hey! Why isn't this called Scotch and Humor anymore? What if I need to tell a story about a drink and a worm?

Here's one... I love it.

...........

A very attractive lady goes up to the bar in a quiet
pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who
comes over immediately.

When he arrives, she signals him to bring his face
closer to hers. When he does she begins to gently
caress his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his
face with both hands.

"Actually, no," the man replied."

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak with him" she
says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is
there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she
continues, running her forefinger across the
bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her
fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them
gently.

What should I tell him?" the bartender barely manages
to say.

"Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper,
hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room

squeaker
11-20-2002, 09:17 AM
Love it! :lol:

mauvaisroux
11-20-2002, 09:22 AM
Gross! :p :lol:

katrinabgood
11-20-2002, 10:10 AM
OHMIGOD! I LOVE IT!! I just sent that to everyone I know! Thanks ellis!

ps...I like "Scotch and Humour" too...

oh yeah...AND the thread with the same name!

katrinabgood
11-20-2002, 10:18 AM
Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the, performance of the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0 system. In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 7.4, NBA 3.2 and NHL 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6
simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate

~~~~~~~
Dear Desperate,

First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 was an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilt 3.3 and Flowers 7.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to such background applications as Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.

Please also remember that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly.WAV files. DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. It could also potentially cause Husband 1.0 to default to the program: Girlfriend 9.2, which runs in the background and has been known to introduce potentially serious viruses into the Operating System.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and can't learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to enhance the system performance.

I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Single Malt Scotch 4.5 combined with such applications as that old stand-by...Lingerie 6.9 (which has been credited with improved performance of the hardware).

Good Luck,
Tech Support

mauvaisroux
11-20-2002, 10:18 AM
:p okay , okay, the next one will be "Scotch and Humour", Sheesh! But no one was talking about Scotch anymore ....:shrug:

katrinabgood
11-20-2002, 10:22 AM
true...but the holidays are almost upon us...lots of opportunities to imbibe!
and discuss...

ellis
11-20-2002, 10:29 AM
We're teasing you, Mauvais. :lol: We love you. :grouphug:

Love that one, Kat. :lol:

ellis
11-20-2002, 10:40 AM
Mrs. Hennessy was taking a bath when she heard a knock at the front door. "Who's there?" she called out. "A blind salesman," came the answer. Thinking it would be entirely proper, she went to the front door without a stitch on her. Murphy stepped inside and said, "Here's the blinds you ordered. Where shall I put them?"

"What a lovely cow you have there Dermot", says Finnigan, "I particularly like its colour, I do, I do". Dermot replies, "It's a Jersey". "Oh pardon me, I tort I was lookin' at its skin".

Mary Kelly is 93. She was walking down the road, a walking stick in each hand, and she's shaking all over, almost unable to walk. She turned into the "Sex Toys Boutique" and yelled to the sales girl behind the counter, "How the **** do I turn this damn vibrator off?".

katrinabgood
11-20-2002, 03:23 PM
Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there's no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam, and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared. And you can do this right in your own home!

Exercise 1:
Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast
between the door and the main box. Have one of your
strongest friends slam the door shut and lean on the
door for good measure. Hold that position for five
seconds (while you hold your breath). Repeat again,
in case the first time wasn't effective enough.

Exercise 2:

Visit your garage at 3 am when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off
your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.

Exercise 3:
Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an
appointment with the stranger to meet next week and do it again!!


CONGRATULATIONS!
Now you have nothing at all to worry about when you go for your Mammogram!

And just a thought for all you women out there:
MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown, MENopause.

Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?

And when we have real problems, it's HISterectomy!

P.S. Don't forget the "GUY"necologist!


PC disclaimer: The preceding joke is IN NO WAY enouraging anyone to skip the ol' mammo because of these EXAGGERATED claims...Suck it up, do yourself and your boobs a favor and get them checked regularly!

dentrassi
11-20-2002, 11:43 PM
TOO FUNNY!!!! Kat, you need someone to ask, "How are you doing?" 2 seconds after slamming the refrigerator door on your breast!!!! (I just had a mammogram Monday night!!!)

Ellis-The bar joke is a SCREAM!!! I love it!! I told a few people tonight (DH being one of them) and HE looked like he was going to throw up!!!

ellis
11-21-2002, 05:36 AM
Ouch, Den! Your poor...

Yeah, I love it, too. It drives me nuts when I see people leaving a public bathroom without washing their hands. I feel like calling out, "Umm, excuse me?! Did you forget something!?"
It's one of the main reasons I hate shaking hands with people. You just never know where the **** those hands have been.

ellis
11-21-2002, 05:37 AM
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first
Class section of the plane. The woman sneezed, took a tissue, gently
wiped her nose and then shuddered quite violently in her seat.
The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes passed. The woman sneezed again, took a tissue,
Gently wiped her nose and shuddered quite violently in her seat.
The man was becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.
A few more minutes passed and the woman sneezed one more time.
Again she took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered
violently.
The man had finally had all he could handle. He turned to the
Woman and said, "You've sneezed three times, you've taken a tissue and
wiped your nose, then shuddered violently! Are you all right?"
The woman replied, "I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare
Condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The man was feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious
And said, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"
The woman looked at him and said, "Pepper."

katrinabgood
11-21-2002, 10:18 AM
oh lordy...that was good, keep em coming!

...er..no pun intended!

Wanttolosealot
11-21-2002, 01:30 PM
HAHAHAHAHAHA Kat
Very punny!
Virginia
P.S. Ellis, pass the pepper!

dentrassi
11-21-2002, 11:35 PM
I AM JEALOUS!!!!!! I used to sneeze in threes too........just think of it........sigh......

Wildfire
11-25-2002, 06:55 PM
Disclaimer: No offense is intended to any Christians!


One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God. "Lord, I have a problem."
>"What's the problem Eve?"
>"I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
>"And why is that Eve?"
>"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."
>"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
>"Man? What is that Lord?"
>"A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he is aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and
>will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he will also need your advice to think properly."
>"Sounds great," says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, "but what's the catch Lord?"
>"Well.....you can have him on one condition."
>"And what's that Lord?"
>"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring.....so you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. And it will have to be our little secret. You know, woman to woman."

katrinabgood
11-25-2002, 06:58 PM
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

That was great! Thanks Wildfire!

ellis
11-25-2002, 08:33 PM
Thanks, Wildfire... I needed a laugh! I particularly like your disclaimer. heh heh.

mauvaisroux
11-25-2002, 09:32 PM
Good one Wildfire! :lol:

Wanttolosealot
11-26-2002, 07:07 AM
Wildfire,
That was great! I knew it all along too. We truely are the smarter sex, LOL
Virginia

katrinabgood
11-26-2002, 04:40 PM
Martha can't make it this year...


Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. I'm telling you in advance, so don't act surprised. Since Ms. Stewart won't be coming, I've made a few small changes:

Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries. After a trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.

Once inside, our guests will note that the entry hall is not decorated with the swags of Indian corn and fall foliage I had planned to make. Instead, I've gotten the grandkids involved in the decorating by having them track in colorful autumn leaves from the front yard. The mud was their idea.

The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china, or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match and everyone will get a fork. Since this IS Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using the plastic Peter Rabbit plate and the Santa napkins from last Christmas.

Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I promised. Instead we will be displaying a hedgehog-like decoration hand-crafted from the finest construction paper. The artist assures me it is a turkey.

We will be dining fashionably late. The grandkids will entertain you while you wait. I'm sure they will be happy to share every choice comment I have made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims, and the turkey hotline. Please remember that most of these comments were made at 5:00 a.m. upon discovering that the turkey was still hard enough to cut diamonds.

As accompaniment to the children's recital, I will play a recording of tribal drumming. If the children should mention that I don't own a recording of tribal drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them. They are lying.

We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the start of our feast. In the end, we chose to keep our traditional method. We've also decided against a formal seating arrangement. When the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit where you like.

In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to sit in a separate room. ... Next door.

Now, I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will not be happening at our dinner. For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private ceremony. I stress "private" meaning: Do not, under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh at me. Do not send small, unsuspecting children to check on my progress. I have an electric knife. The turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason that I will eventually win. When I do, we will eat.

I would like to take this opportunity to remind my young diners that "passing the rolls" is not a football play. Nor is it a request to bean your brother in the head with warm tasty bread.

Oh, and one reminder for the adults: For the duration of the meal, and especially while in the presence of young diners, we will refer to the giblet gravy by its lesser-known name: Cheese Sauce. If a young diner questions you regarding the origins or type of Cheese Sauce, plead ignorance.

Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering a choice between 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped cream and small fingerprints. You will still have a choice: take it or leave it!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING to all of you who won't be showing up at our house on Thanksgiving Day!

ellis
11-26-2002, 06:59 PM
Oh, Kat... that's too friggin' funny. :lol:

dentrassi
11-26-2002, 10:46 PM
HEY!! Sounds like Thanksgiving at my house! Only more organized!!

flower
11-27-2002, 08:38 PM
Thursday, November 21, 2002
" R.I.P. "
Please join in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday from a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.
Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain
Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as someone who never knew how much he was kneaded.
Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very 'smart' cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

katrinabgood
11-27-2002, 10:21 PM
ohhh...that was cute! Thanks flower!

flower
11-28-2002, 12:48 PM
<< >The real truth>>According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game,
while both male and >female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year
(the only members of >the deer family, Cervidae, to have females do so), male
reindeer drop their >antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late
November to mid December.>>Female reindeer retain their antlers till after
they give birth in the >spring.>>Therefore, according to every historical
rendition depicting Santa's >reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph
to Blitzen......had to be >a girl.>>We should've known.>>Only women would be
able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around >the world in one
night, and not get
lost.>>************************************************** *********************

mauvaisroux
11-28-2002, 04:24 PM
:lol: :lol: :lol:

You girls are killing me! I am trying not to laugh out loud at work! :lol:

dentrassi
11-28-2002, 07:00 PM
GOOD ONE FLOWER!!!!

mauvaisroux
11-29-2002, 01:42 PM
Prime Minister Jean Chretien wanted a postage stamp issued with his picture on it, so he instructed his staff to have one commissioned, stressing that it should be of the highest quality. The stamps are created, printed and released.

Jean Chretien is very pleased with the results, but within a few days of the release of the stamp, his office started receiving complaints that the stamp was not sticking, Mr. Chretien became infuriated at this and called the head of Canada Post and ordered that the matter be investigated.

The officials at Canada Post looked into the matter at several post offices, and sent their report to Mr. Chretien.

The report stated, "There is nothing wrong with the quality of the stamp. The problem is that people are spitting on the wrong side."

katrinabgood
11-29-2002, 01:52 PM
oooh...DIS!

ellis
11-29-2002, 03:10 PM
ooooh la la.... that is GOOD, Mauvais! :lol:

dentrassi
11-29-2002, 08:59 PM
VERY FUNNY!!!!!!!!!

(dentrassi's DH here: That was the funniest Canadian political joke since the Conservative-Reform Alliance Party figured out that they'd have to change their name [CRAP]!)

mauvaisroux
11-29-2002, 09:33 PM
To Dentrassi's DH: Yes that "CRAP" thing was hysterical and the press had a field day with it :lol: I can't believe no one from the parties caught it before they put it up for public consumption!

ellis
11-29-2002, 09:40 PM
The press here regularly have hay days with our government. Ditto with yours. :D

mauvaisroux
11-29-2002, 10:03 PM
Hey! Who are you calling a moron?!?!? Why them's fightin woids!
:lol: No, nothing of interest in the news these days :rolleyes:

dentrassi
11-30-2002, 12:36 PM
Moron and Cretin.......what's the world coming to?

ellis
12-04-2002, 01:48 PM
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses, then yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses, "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful."
She knocks on wood for good measure, then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."


,,,,,,,,,,,,,


The psychiatrist's receptionist went to her boss and said, "doctor,
there's a man in the office who thinks he's invisible."
The psychiatrist replied, "tell him I can't see him."

,,,,,,,,,,,

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is
using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him.
3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
4. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest.
5. You change your underwear after every sneeze.
6. You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendale's.

ellis
12-04-2002, 02:23 PM
This guy was lonely so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box.

He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time. This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?

A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my effing shoes!"

ellis
12-04-2002, 02:28 PM
I think I may have already posted this one, but I'm cold and crabby, so you can all darned well read it again. :D

FACTS

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home...maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length.
It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes...can you imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity.)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm........)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing....)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(Who knew? Who cares!)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

ellis
12-04-2002, 02:46 PM
Signs that you may be Canadian:

You know what a Robertson screwdriver is.
You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.
Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
You know that the Dicky-Dee vendors take Canadian Tire money.
You have a firearm that's been in the family for at least one generation and name it after the person who originally owned it -- "Fetch me Grampa's gun, I'm going hunting, eh."
You stand in "line-ups" at the movie, not lines.
You're not offended by the term, "Homo Milk".
You are moved to tears by those Bell Canada phone commercials they show around Remembrance Day, where the grandson calls his grandad from Dieppe. You understand the manipulative nature of the advertisement, but continue to be moved, nonetheless.
You understand the sentence, "Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine".
You eat chocolate bars instead of candy bars.
You drink pop, not soda.
You own a pot-bellied stove. (Extra points if it's "been in the family" for a while.)
You know what it means to be on pogey.
You know what a two-four of Blue is.
You know what screech and alcool is.
You can drink legally while still a 'teen.
You don't know or care about the fuss with Cuba, it's just a cheap place to travel with good cigars
and no Americans.
When there is a social problem, you turn to your government to fix it instead of telling them to stay out of it.
You're not sure if the leader of your nation has EVER had sex and don't want to know if he/she has.
Pike is a type of fish, not some part of a highway.
You drive on a highway, not a freeway.
You know Toronto is not a province.
You know that Ottawa and not Toronto is the capital of Canada.
You're pretty sure you can see Alex Trebek smirking when Jeopardy contestants get the "Canada questions" wrong. Even if you weren't sure of the answer yourself, you consider yourself a hundred times smarter than the idiots who always guess, "What is .. uh, Toronto?"
You know that Thrills are something to chew and "taste like soap".
You know that Mounties don't always look like that.
You know what happens in the Evergreen Forest when Bert Raccoon wakes up.
You know that the Friendly Giant isn't a vegetable product line.
You know that Casey and Finnegan are not a Celtic musical group.
You can sing "O' Canada" in French and actually know what the words mean.
You think Peter Mansbridge is sexy.
You think Lloyd Robertson is sexy.
You think Peter Kent is sexy.
You have been on Speaker's Corner. Bonus points if they edited out your carefully prepared rant against the Harris government.
You still haven't taken down your "NON" posters from the 95 Referendum.
You know more than 3 guys named Gordon.
You know that a "Premier" isn't a baby born a few months early.
You actually watch The Gemini Awards, The Genie Awards, and The Juno Awards. You wonder why Stompin' Tom doesn't get his own category in all three.
You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada, and you make a mental note to mention it at work tomorrow.
You can eat more than one maple sugar candy without feeling nauseous.
You know what a tuque is.
You know what Timbits, Nanaimo bars, Pogos, Sugar Pie, and Beavertails are.
You know who Doug and Bob are.
You've bought wine at a dépanneur.
You played shinny hockey as a kid.
Back bacon and Kraft Dinner are two of your favourite food groups.
You participated in "Participaction". (bonus points if you still have the pin)
You experience a warm fuzzy feeling while picturing a fat man with a blonde Mr. Spock haircut giving a recorder recital to an audience of two: an orange and purple sleepy-eyed giraffe with a voice like Lee Marvin and a pin-headed hyper rooster who is made out of a flannel tea cozy and lives in a bag on the wall.
You have an Inuit carving by your bedside with the rationale, "What's good enough protection for the Prime Minister is good enough for me".
You've got some rocks and you've got to leave an important message -- Lucky you know how to build an Innukshuk!
You find it difficult to explain "milk in a bag" to non-Canadians, and even more difficult to describe the "snippy-thing" used on bag corners. (Bonus points if your collected snippy-things are stuck to your fridge.)
Your local zoo is mainly flamingoes, giraffes and sad elephants freezing their asses off against a backdrop of pine trees, grey skies, and Precambrian shield formations.
You live in a "beach town" and have to eat your brothers and sisters to stay alive during the winter months.
You're proud that Captain Kirk came from Montreal.
You wished that Relic's boat would get crushed to bits by one of those logs.
You've frozen your tongue to something metal and lived to tell about it.
You talk about the weather with friends and strangers alike.
You know what to do with all parts of a buffalo.
Unlike any international assassin/terrorist/spy in the world, you don't possess a Canadian passport.
You have a Prime Minister who isn't fluent in either of the official languages.
Your car has a cord and plug sticking out of the grill connected to a block heater. (bonus points if you have a set of booster cables in your trunk)
You only know three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.
You have 10 favourite recipes for moose meat.
You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
Your snow blower gets stuck on the roof.
You think the start of deer season is a national holiday.
You head south to go to your cottage.
The trunk of your car doubles as a portable deep freeze.
You automatically read 'Z' as 'Zed' and don't give a damn that it doesn't rhyme with "now I know my abcs".
You carry empty beer cans from your camping trips home with you in your backpack so you can recycle them when you reach civilization.
You know that the 'Extra Creamy' in Kraft Extra Creamy Dinner means "add more milk" (preferably homo).
You steal stationery from your Government of Canada co-operative education placement because you figure you can find lots of uses for paper with 'Human Resources Development Canada/Développement des Ressources Humaines Canada' written at the top.
You know the difference between real snow and "television" snow -- the white stuff that passes for snow on tv and in films. You scream, "For Christsake! That should be sticking to their pants!" and "Lookit, it's not melting! That's *so* not snow!" when watching 'Winter' scenes.
You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the missing 'u's from labor, honor, and color.
You know the French equivalents of "free", "prize" and "no sugar added", thanks to your extensive education in bilingual cereal packaging.
You are reading every line of this list instead of merely scanning over it.
You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
You can do all the hand actions to Sharon, Lois and Bram's "Skin-a-ma-rinky-dinky-doo" opus.
Someone accidently stepped on your foot. You apologize.
You stepped on someone's foot. You apologize, then apologize for making them apologize.
When abroad, you have a cold fear that somebody might mistake you for an American. You make a point of deliberately being kind to locals just to make it clear you are a Canadian, and you wear a maple leaf pin.
You admit Rich Little is Canadian and you're glad Jerry Lewis is not.
You never miss "Coaches Corner".
The local paper covers national and international headlines on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey.
You frequently clean grease off your barbecue so the bears won't prowl on your deck.
You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
You find -40C a little chilly.
You know 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, Almost Winter and Road Construction.
The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.. .
You perk up when you hear the theme from "Hockey Night in Canada"
You wonder why there isn't a 5 dollar coin yet, because you can really use more change (You are already wearing your pants halfway down your *** and the hair and three layers of skin is worn off the front of your thighs from carrying your pocket money around.) The new coin should have a picture of a musk-ox on it and be the size of a hamburger pattie and have fifteen different kinds of metals in it, including poutine.
You found any of this funny.

Wanttolosealot
12-04-2002, 03:22 PM
I AM CANADIAN!!!!!

Ruthxxx
12-04-2002, 03:37 PM
ROFLOLPIMP!
Now we wait for questions from our non-Canadian friends.
(Hey, I double dated with Rich Little and baby sat Paul Anka and cried when Friendly went off the air. Did he die? His was the favourite show for the guys in the gay bars of NYC, so I hear.)

flower
12-04-2002, 03:42 PM
I am so not Canadian! I can only relate to two things. I love pike and I always drive with booster cables. :) ~flower

ellis
12-04-2002, 05:11 PM
Yes, he died. sob. (why the **** do think the show went off the air? Didja think they cancelled him? COME ON!!! He's a Canadian Classic, for cryin' out loud!)

Lamorgan
12-04-2002, 05:20 PM
DICKEY DEE TAKES CANADIAN TIRE MONEY?????????

Where have I been???????

katrinabgood
12-04-2002, 08:33 PM
Okay...I know who Doug and Bob are, AND Sharon Lois and Bram...thanks to TV. beyond that, I'm lost...but very amused!

PS...I'm not one of those Americans, I swear!

mauvaisroux
12-04-2002, 10:45 PM
You forgot a few Ellis-

You know what a buttertart is.

Your favorite movies are "Slapshot" and "Canadian Bacon"

You believe that we are secretly taking over the U.S. through our careful placement of spies in the American entertainment industry
ie: Alanis Morisette, Michael J. Fox, Dan Ackroyd, John Candy, Pamela Anderson, etc., etc.

You laugh at the waiter in a Thai restaurant in the U.S. when you order a Thai beer and he warns you that it is really strong.

You know what the phrase "double double" means.

You turn up your nose at the offer of a "light" beer.

You know there are two seasons in Canada: Winter and Patio season.

You have two sets of outdoor winter clothing; one for +5c to -15c degree weather, the other for -15c to -50c degree weather.

You think that hot chocolate and a cinnamon sugar beavertail make a balanced breakfast.

You know that "flocon de mais" is not a french swear word but simply a breakfast cereal.

You can skate to work on the canal in winter.

You never take down the outdoor Christmas lights on your house. You just switch them off in April and switch them back on on November 1st.

sabrina
12-04-2002, 11:00 PM
>>>You turn up your nose at the offer of a "light" beer.

I just knew there was a Canadian trapped inside me somewhere! (Now girls, get your MINDS OUT OF THE GUTTERS!)

I never, ever liked beer until I tried Widmer Hefeweizen about 15 years ago. Now the lightest I'll drink is an Amber Ale, but my favorite is either a Porter or a Stout. Delicious, eh?

S.

"If I can see through it, I won't drink it!"

ellis
12-05-2002, 07:30 AM
Knew there had to be some more out there, Mauvais. ;)

Kat, no slight was intended towards our darling America friends and neighbours. ;) We love all of you.

Lois... I had a terrible dream last night. You were trying to pay for your ice cream with Canadian Tire money, and the little Dickie Dee man was refusing it.

dentrassi
12-05-2002, 09:46 PM
Ellis-I've been through this one with you before. Detroit is a strange place, because a number of the references ring true. Grew up watching "The Friendly Giant" and my kids watched "Mr. Dress-up." We call it "pop" too!! I thought everyone did EXCEPT those out east until I went through Ohio this last summer and tried to order some. They looked at me like I was nuts!!!
A 2-4 of Blue is a case of Labatt's, right? We usually buy Labatt's because it is BETTER and actually cheaper than most of the crudy US brands. (And we can't afford European or microbrew!!)

Mauvais-I've been trying to get Ellis to see "Canadian Bacon"!! Go to her house, kick her butt, and make her see it!! It is WONDERFUL!!!! (Michael Moore is from Flint, MI.) (I liked Slapshot too!!)

mauvaisroux
12-05-2002, 10:37 PM
Den- Slapshot was on TV last night.

I stunned DH as he was channel surfing and landed on the opening scene where one of the players is getting interviewed by a tv host who looked like Monty Hall-I looked up from my book and said "hey isn't that Slapshot?" without seeing the title or the credits! I am a bit of a tomboy at heart and love "guy" movies :shrug: but I dare any of his friends to be that quick on the draw :lol:

BTW-yes I watched Slapshot again for the 15th time :dizzy:

VelvetCyberpunk
12-06-2002, 01:32 AM
Yeah, Michael is from Flint, LOL! I still haven't seen Canadian Bacon, but we Michiganders can relate to some of that stuff. Like Bob and Doug, and the tuque, and Actually I read on a Faygo site that the term pop was coined in Michigan by the Feigen Brothers (makers of Faygo) because of the sound the top made when it came off. We like Pike here too, we also refer to it as homo milk, I used to have a plug on and an engine block heater on my car, and I always have booster cables incase it gets too chilly, and the damned battery gives out. In the UP everyone says eh after every other frickin' word, and we use Canadian coins here and are shocked when we go to Ohio and they won't accept it becuase it's foreign currency.

ellis
12-06-2002, 07:10 AM
Okay, let's get this straight. Bob and Doug are NOT Canadian. They are a pair of aliens that were dropped into our country several years ago in an attempt to infiltrate our culture.

I DO like Red Green, though. :D

squeaker
12-06-2002, 08:13 AM
:lol:

I love all of this Canadian talk. I actually understood most of those lists. I live close enough, and actually had one band I went to see in Rochester say "We will be back in Canada tomorrow. We will be in Buffalo." :)

I am still convinced that Canada has come up with some of the best food ever. Tims being my favorite. Dutchies.....yummmm.... And coffee crisp. and caramilks.

I used to watch Mr. Dress Up and Canadian Seseame Street where you learn french instead of spanish. Red Green is pretty amusing too. :)

We also drink pop.

Though you guys could have kept Pam Anderson. ;)

Lamorgan
12-06-2002, 09:08 AM
Tim Hortons used to have the best Apple Fritters... until they recently started to bake them all at a central bakery and now they only heat them up at the donut shop. All the teenage bakers were laid off... I swear they used to have contests on who could make the biggest Fritters, on Sat morning the size of them was nearly frightening! Now they are teeny-tiny, square and hardly worth the bother.

Sigh.

Not that I would actually eat a donut. No, no, no....

I don't think I'd ever have the nerve to pay Dicky Dee with Canadian Tire money! I feel guilty about using it at the C.T. store! But I did find $20 worth recently and bought a slow cooker.

L

mauvaisroux
12-06-2002, 09:34 AM
Okay, we will think about taking Pammy back but there is no way we are taking Celine Dion back- you are stuck with her!:devil:

My favorite Timmy's doughnut is the Canadian Maple- it is lke a boston cream but with maple flavor icing instead of chocolate. My second favorite is the glazed sourdough. Sigh:( I haven't eaten one of those in ages.


I love Canadian tire money! We recently bought a $50.00 coffee maker with $30.00 worth of C.T. money so it only cost $20! And a friend of ours bought a $200.00 barbeque all in C.T. money so it was like getting a free one!

ellis
12-06-2002, 09:59 AM
Yeah, that Celine is a weirdo. You can also have Wayne Gretzky.

And we're keeping Mr. Dressup. Sweet old thing. Den... don't you say anything rude about Mr. Dressup.

mauvaisroux
12-06-2002, 10:14 AM
Hey! I like Wayne!

You know you are Canadian when:

Your first part time job in high school was running the canteen at the local hockey arena.

Your second part time job was running the scoreboard at the local hockey arena on Saturdays.

Your first boyfriend was a hockey player :rolleyes:

You had your front tooth broken in half by getting hit in the mouth with a hockey stick while playing street hockey with the neighborhood boys when you were 14.

You hum along to the theme of Hockey Night in Canada whenever you hear it.

You know all the words to the Stompin' Tom hockey song.

Your favorite tv commercial is the one where total strangers start playing street hockey on a busy downtown street while waiting at the bus stop.

You think Don Cherry is an national icon.

I am Canadian!

squeaker
12-06-2002, 10:22 AM
I guess we can keep Celine. She is spending 2 years in Vegas. That is far enough away from me.

Wayne is cool. But I would like to take Michael Peca! YUM! :) And our new goalie Martin Biron. *sigh* I love hockey players. :D

ellis
12-06-2002, 10:22 AM
Speaking of Canadians... this is the wrong thread, but I think Brian Adams is pretty damned hot.
He put together a book of his fantastic photographs with the proceeds going to women's breast cancer research.

Lamorgan
12-06-2002, 03:44 PM
Can I still be Canadian if I hate Hockey??

:)

Lois

mauvaisroux
12-06-2002, 04:17 PM
I dunno about that Lamorgan...:chin: seems kind of unpatriotic if you ask me...well I guess that as long as you like Tim Horton's (who was a hockey player BTW) it will be okay ;)

ellis
12-06-2002, 04:18 PM
I feel the same way. Bunch of big brutes knocking each other about on the ice.
Of course, I wasn't actually BORN here. ;)

Ruthxxx
12-06-2002, 04:24 PM
My great uncles were the original Silver Seven of the original Senators - we are talking 1900's here. My mother grew up hearing about hockey and hated it. I hate it too!
But then my idea of sport is fishing with a bamboo pole and cork bobber!
Lamorgan, we ARE Canadians!

flower
12-06-2002, 05:04 PM
I really thought this was funny because the majority of my shopping was done at Walmart this year. I spend entirely too much money at that store.

Dear Friends: I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year and since you have I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas. I was going to bring you all gifts from the 12 days of Christmas, but we had a little problem.


The 12 fiddlers fiddling have all come down with VD from fiddling with the 10 ladies dancing, the 11 lords leaping have knocked up the 8 maids a-milking, and the 9 pipers piping have been arrested for doing weird things to the 7 swans a-swimming. The 6 geese a-laying, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves and the partridge in a pear tree have me up to my sled runners in bird ****.

On top of all this Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, 8 of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined the gay liberation and some people who can't read a calendar have scheduled Christmas for the 5th of January.

Maybe next year I will be able to get my **** together and bring you the things you want. This year I suggest you get your asses down to Wal-Mart before everything is gone.


Sincerely, Santa Claus

Wanttolosealot
12-06-2002, 08:44 PM
I love hockey. Played on a girls hockey team for two years when I was in my teens. I will take Pamela if no one else wants her.
Virginia

dentrassi
12-06-2002, 08:50 PM
FUNNY FLOWER!!!

Tim Horton's-i usually don't LIKE doughnuts, but I love their Walnut Sticks!!!
My kids like ALL of them, but they especially like those maple things Mauvais!!! I also like their frozen cappucinos!!

VelvetCyberpunk
12-07-2002, 01:02 AM
Yeah well you can have Pammy back, and Alex Trebek, Alan Thicke, and Martin Short, and The rest of the Cast of SCTV but we're keepin' Mike Meyers! He's ours now, and you can't have hime back so there! Nyah! :p LOL! I just love that guy, he's so funny, and he was naturalized an American this summer. :D

katrinabgood
12-07-2002, 08:21 AM
NO! I love ALL the SCTV gang! ...but you can have Alan Thicke...

squeaker
12-07-2002, 01:25 PM
Can't remember if I posted this before...

In my next life; I wanna be a female bear...

If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.

If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them, too. I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup . I wanna be a bear.


Ok now back to the Canada talk :)

katrinabgood
12-07-2002, 03:15 PM
Bear-y funny! Thanks, Squeak!

Ruthxxx
12-07-2002, 03:53 PM
Un-bear-ably! Let's hope the puns don't go any further!

Maybe we should start a PUN thread!

dentrassi
12-07-2002, 08:47 PM
HEY!!! I think I AM a female bear!!!

Lidian
12-07-2002, 08:56 PM
I want to be a bear too! They get to eat a ton of blueberries and salmon (two of my favorites) and I don't recall that cubs require snowpants and an endless supply of mittens (cuz they keep getting LOST!).

And all she has to do is fix the male bear with a piercing look and I'll bet HE falls into line too!

Lidian:)

mauvaisroux
12-08-2002, 01:55 AM
Yeah! And you get to go around bear naked all the time ;)

flower
12-08-2002, 10:29 AM
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ellis
12-08-2002, 01:09 PM
Good ones, Flower. :)



A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before
Thanksgiving and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have
to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five
years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father
says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about
this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
"Like **** they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take
care of this," She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at
her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single
thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll
both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU
HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he
says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

dentrassi
12-08-2002, 06:00 PM
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

katrinabgood
12-08-2002, 06:50 PM
oh, that was good...