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wibblewobble
12-26-2010, 05:07 PM
I recently went through a break up with a guy. It's left me feeling really down. I didn't even think I liked him as much as I apparently did. I gorged on food for several days which just made me feel worse about myself. I righted the diet ship yesterday.

I went on match.com to try and cheer myself up and convince myself that there were plenty of other fish in the sea and all that. But when I put up a pic the only interest I recieved was from men who were much older than the age range I said was acceptable. Which just left me feeling more depressed.

I've never really been in a relationship before. And this one ended so suddenly-I really wasn't expecting it. I just don't know exactly what to do to snap myself out of it. I find myslef getting snippy with everyone. And I don't want to do anything. He was the first guy to show any interest in me in like 3 years. He liked me at 165 and told me I was beautiful. And now he's rejected me...and that hurts.

Advice is greatly appreciated. I'm visiting family in Floriday. I have no friends down here. I just don't know.


starfishkitty
12-26-2010, 07:41 PM
Seems like you might have just liked him because he showed interest in you... like you said, you didn't even realize you liked him that much until he broke up with you.

I went through that with a couple of my exes. I hated myself and felt nasty... being with someone just made me feel like I wasn't that bad cos if they could like me I must NOT be that bad! But then I felt so down and out when we broke up.... when I actually the majority of the time I couldn't stand them when we were together!

I think it more that we feel that if someone else can care about us, or find us attractive, then we must be so... once they "reject" us, so to speak, we feel like we're really nothing. But you know what? That's so not true. Eventually, you WILL find a guy out there who really truly likes you for you.... at 300lbs, or 100. He'll like you for those little things about you that are unique only to you. The way you make him laugh. The way you take care of him, the way you make him feel. It's not about what you look like.... its about who you are. You didn't have that with this guy... and he probably felt it.

Don't regret what isn't meant to be... look forward to what can be.

:hug:

Nola Celeste
12-26-2010, 07:49 PM
:hug: I'm sorry for your rough time. Break-ups almost always hurt, regardless of who did the breaking.

If you find yourself missing him more than you thought you would, is it possible that you're missing the "you" that you were with him instead? It's been a long time since I was involved in a break-up, but I remember it all too well. I went into a tailspin over it. In retrospect, though, the guy I thought I missed SO much was...not really all that hot. Nothing special.

But I thought I loved him because I needed that relationship at the time. I didn't really miss him--I missed being the sort of woman who inspired a man to write poetry (even if it was bad poetry). I missed who I was in that relationship more than I missed the person I had the relationship with.

Sorry, that might be tangential to your experience, but that phrase "I didn't even think I liked him as much as I did" really struck a chord. Maybe you just need to be adored a little--and if that's what you need, then no wonder rejection hurts even worse because it's happened just when you most needed acceptance.

I don't know that there's anything that'll snap a person out of relationship blues. Sometimes time is the only cure. It'll probably be a good thing for you to go visit family, though, and get in touch with anything and everything that isn't related to him. No friends where you're visiting? That's not a bad thing--that's a reason to feel free, to be more outgoing, to learn more about yourself.

There are a lot of fish in the sea, but that doesn't mean you can't rue the loss of one you had on the hook. Give yourself some time to heal up and think about what you got out of the relationship (and how you can provide yourself with some of what you needed, like telling yourself that you're beautiful) before considering another.

I hope you heal quickly. :hug:


Cali Doll
12-26-2010, 08:00 PM
:hug: I'm sorry for your rough time. Break-ups almost always hurt, regardless of who did the breaking.

If you find yourself missing him more than you thought you would, is it possible that you're missing the "you" that you were with him instead? It's been a long time since I was involved in a break-up, but I remember it all too well. I went into a tailspin over it. In retrospect, though, the guy I thought I missed SO much was...not really all that hot. Nothing special.

But I thought I loved him because I needed that relationship at the time. I didn't really miss him--I missed being the sort of woman who inspired a man to write poetry (even if it was bad poetry). I missed who I was in that relationship more than I missed the person I had the relationship with.

Sorry, that might be tangential to your experience, but that phrase "I didn't even think I liked him as much as I did" really struck a chord. Maybe you just need to be adored a little--and if that's what you need, then no wonder rejection hurts even worse because it's happened just when you most needed acceptance.

I don't know that there's anything that'll snap a person out of relationship blues. Sometimes time is the only cure. It'll probably be a good thing for you to go visit family, though, and get in touch with anything and everything that isn't related to him. No friends where you're visiting? That's not a bad thing--that's a reason to feel free, to be more outgoing, to learn more about yourself.

There are a lot of fish in the sea, but that doesn't mean you can't rue the loss of one you had on the hook. Give yourself some time to heal up and think about what you got out of the relationship (and how you can provide yourself with some of what you needed, like telling yourself that you're beautiful) before considering another.

I hope you heal quickly. :hug:

I really want you to know how very much this post means to me.

OP, I'm going through something similar and Nola Celeste has hit the nail right on the head as far as what I'm feeling right now. Time will help (I know this as, sadly, I've been here before). We will get through this. It may hurt now but it'll get better. :hug:

Garretthall82
12-28-2010, 06:08 AM
Do something new, something of your interest. Always be busy in your work, as time pass on it will heal your wounds.

MiZTaCCen
12-28-2010, 09:21 AM
It’s not the point you actually liked him, you probably still don’t even like him as much it’s probably the fact he ended it and there’s a blow to your ego; and that is what makes you think you like him a lot more, because he something you can’t have anymore. Don’t worry we’ve all been through it at least once sometimes it’s nice to have someone around who can boost your ego. (actually I think I’m going through that right now…tho I’m semi still seeing the guy..LOL)

As Nola said break up suck it doesn’t matter who does it, it still affects you in some way. You’re just going to have to work through it some way. You know what I would do if I was going to a place where I didn’t know anyone? Get all dolled up and explore the town just to get attention to help with your ego boost, plus you’ll start to feel great about yourself, who knows maybe you’ll actually meet some people. If not then at least you got some attention :)

Also you mentioned he’s the first guy to show interest in you in 3 years…maybe that’s true but maybe it’s not. Ever thing you could just be oblivious to certain things? Sometimes guys won’t go forward with things because they are pansy’s and scared of rejection just as much as anyone else…maybe it’s time you started showing interest in people and making the first move instead of waiting for them to do it. (I don’t know your situation or anything or if you already do that, I’m just saying is all.)

Enjoy life, so it was your first boyfriend, (you weren’t in love with him…) there’s going to be plenty more break ups where that came from whether it’s you doing the dumping or being the dumpee. Things will get better give it a week and you'll be back to your old self in no time.

Nola Celeste
12-28-2010, 07:41 PM
I heartily second MiZTaCCen's get-dolled-up-and-hit-the-town suggestion. It doesn't have to be the bar scene if that doesn't appeal--just getting out and seeing new things, new faces, new places can help.

It may take a little longer than you think to get over him (I wandered in a fog of misery for about a month and a half before I started to come around), but you will. Even after a long time, you may still get a queasy little shudder when you see someone or something that reminds you of him, but it's like remembering a bad case of food poisoning--you recall that it was unpleasant, but you don't actually feel sick.

Just as I can't stand the smell of gin because of a bad experience with overindulging in it in my teens, I can't stand skinny corduroy-wearing pretentious hipster would-be poets with an inflated sense of their own intelligence and a cavalier attitude toward personal hygiene. I can totally live with that. :D

Hope you and Cali Doll are both doing great. :hug:

somethingnew912
01-19-2011, 11:35 PM
I'm sorry to bump this thread, but I was about to post something about breakups when I found this.

I am having a rough time....I'm not eating my way through it (I did that for about a month, but now i'm past it). But it still hurts so much sometimes I physically feel sick. He was my first (and only so far) love.....as in my entire body loved him, I feel like I'm missing a part of me since he's not with me anymore.

We had a really messy breakup and are attempting to still be friends....but he is dating someone else now and I feel like I am torturing myself....but I don't know how to let him go. I want him in my life as a friend because he is one of the closest people I have.....but I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't like who I am when I get bitter and angry and just sick.

I know that time heals...and it definitely has. It has been a couple of months since we had our huge falling out (we broke up a few months before that, but it was only 2 months ago that we stopped acting couple-y).

Does anyone have any advice? Besides time? Any words of wisdom that have helped put things into perspective? I'm just sick of hurting. If you've seen the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind....i wish I could just erase memories. It would make it easier.

Sorry for the long rant, it's just been a really tough night....

Twiddlebug
01-20-2011, 12:05 AM
aw, somethingnew :hug:
I am sorry you are hurting, but I have no words of advice for you. Hang in there. As I'm sure you've been told countless times, time does heal.

rosababe
01-20-2011, 01:55 AM
I just feel a little better from my breakup in October.
For the last 3 months, we still went shopping together.
I was feeling ok when we were on the street. But I felt upset when I was back home.
I finally decided not to go shopping with him again.
And now I am feeling better.
I do believe that the next one will be better than him.
We do deserve better man

MiZTaCCen
01-20-2011, 10:37 AM
Somethingnew - It took me about 10 months to finally be able to move on and past the guy I was deeply in love with him. I surrounded myself with friends and family which helpped the healing process and finally got the nerve to completely cut him out of my life for good. I recently sent an email (it's all apart of of the healing process and testing measures for yourself) and after the emails (which neither of us were hurting each other for once) I realized how much I've passed this part and I'm not capable of fulling moving on. Healing takes time, the sickness of it will eventually go away just concentrait on yourself and keep yourself busy.

Nola Celeste
01-20-2011, 10:40 AM
Somethingnew, I'm sorry to hear you're feeling low. :hug:

You really risk tormenting yourself, though, when you still see this guy as he's dating someone else. Right now, of course you want him in your life still--he meant so much to you that you can't just turn your emotions off. But the "we'll still be friends" thing is probably tripping you up worse, at least while everything's still fresh.

Your brain is wired to see this guy and think, "Boyfriend." A cascade of happy-making neurotransmitters flood your system when you see him, but at the same time your conscious mind knows that that book is closed. The dissonance there just makes you feel worse than you would if you made a clean break of it. It is bad juju to try to keep that friendship going while you're still actively hurting over the breakup.

You wonder how to let him go? It's tough. Really tough at first. But you were able to let go of other things that light up your brain's pleasure centers, yet aren't healthy for you right now--if you weren't, you wouldn't have lost the weight you have. You have the strength to let go of him completely.

Sometimes it's hard to separate out how much you value him as a person and how much you value his former place in your life. Are you really missing him? Or are you missing the things that he represented (a companion, a confidante, a lover, what have you) and maintaining contact with him in an attempt to fit him into that space that he no longer fits?

Either way, you're better off without him in your life for now. If you discover it's the relationship that you miss, then it's a perfect time to rekindle friendships that you may have let lapse or to form new ones. Re-train your brain to get those happy-making chemicals flowing for other reasons--going out with friends, doing something you love to do, trying a new hobby. Not having that relationship means having room for a lot of other things in your life. Prove to yourself that he is not your sole source of serotonin, dopamine, and oxytocin. ;)

I hope you quit the habit that is him with few withdrawal symptoms. It really is tough, but it becomes easier each day that you manage it. Even Prometheus only had his liver eaten once a day; don't eat your heart out again and again by continuing to see the guy. :hug:

somethingnew912
01-20-2011, 06:19 PM
Thank you all for your responses. I hadn't thought of it in the scientific sense of those happy chemicals being released.

I know that I need to cut him out....I really do. And I probably will....I just need some more time. I hate that I am not strong enough right now, and I know that I am hurting myself....but I don't know that I am strong enough yet. He and I have decided to just do emails for a while because we are both busy and we know that it is still very hard for me. I'm hoping that with a few months of not seeing him (and only doing occasional emails) that trigger will go away.

Thank yall for your help. The messy discussion he and I had yesterday that put me in the depression hole last night continued through part of today...so today has been tough as well.

If anyone has any stories or offers of advice I think that myself and I'm sure many others on here could definitely use it. I'm glad that I went through my first big breakup because I feel like I have passed through a phase of life that you can't describe or necessarily prepare someone for.....its just a learning stage...that sucks but also makes life so much richer.